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Beveridge Family NewsVolume 6, Issue 1 Holiday Edition December 2010
Local Boys Developing Style Confounds Parents
WARMINSTER, PA -- As they ap-proach adolescence, area youths Colin
and Keenan Beveridge have begun to
develop their own personal styles
much to the chagrin of their mortified
parents, Kathy and Mike.
Since childhood, nine-year-old Keenan
had always cultivated a somewhat un-
conventional style of dress. However,
during the summer of 2010 he expandedhis fashion sense to include his hair,
growing it out as soon as school let out
and begging his parents for a mohawk
haircut. Inexplicably, Kathy and Mike
agreed to his request, a decision they
quickly regretted. They say youre sup-
posed to pick your battles as a parent,
Kathy pointed out in a recent interview,
and we figured that if we gave him lee-
way with his hair he would be less likely
to rebel when it came to more dangerous
things, like drugs. Then again, after see-
ing him with that hair for the first twoweeks, I think I would rather see him do
drugs.
Not to be outdone by his brother,
eleven-year-old Colin also refused to cut
his hair for the entire fall semester of
sixth grade. Unfortunately, he also re-
fused to wake up five minutes earlier in
the morning to comb it, filling each
school morning with additional drama.
On the plus side, Colin takes a shower
nearly every night, so his hair is pretty
clean, Mike conceded. On the down
side, he doesnt dry it off before he goes
to bed, so he wakes up every morning
looking like the guy from A Flock of
Seagulls. We have to stick his head in
the kitchen sink just to make him pre-
sentable.
When reminded that he spent the bet-
ter part of his high school years sporting
a spectacularly ill-advised mullet, Mike
was defiant in his retort: Well, first of
all, I was in high school, not grade
school. And second of all, I looked to-
tally rad, dude.
As if their parents werent embar-
rassed enough, the boys topped off theirunfortunate hairstyles with an even more
unfortunate choice of headwear. During
a back-to-school shopping trip in late
August, the boys fell in love with a pair
of matching fedoras; despite their par-
ents advice to the contrary, the fashion
plates insisted on buying the hats with
their own money. For the next several
months they wore the fedoras every-
whereto school, outside to play, even
hanging around the house.
For the parents, the hats were even
more difficult to accept than the hair-
styles. Fedoras? Seriously? said an
exasperated Mike. What are they, the
Rat Pack? Theres maybe two dozen
people on earth who can pull off the
fedora look. These kids are facing some
pretty long odds.
When reminded that he has spent the
last twenty years wearing a Phillies
Whitey Ashburn Fishing Hat, Mike re-
plied: Again, thats different. Everyonelooks good in a Whitey Ashburn Fishing
Hat.
Asked to comment on her sons fledg-
ling attempts to express their individual-
ity, Kathy stated that we have no prob-
lem with them expressing their individu-
ality. We just wish that their individual-
ity would be more like everyone elses.
Warm wishes for a happyand healthy new year from
the Beveridge Family!
Kathy, MikeColin, and Keenan
1195 Dager RoadWarminster, PA 18974
215-441-4827
[email protected]@comcast.net
Top: Keenan Beveridge, last of the Mohi-cans.Middle: Colins morning hairpocalypse.Bottom: Mike Beveridge, sporting his pat-ented Afro-Mullet, circa 1988.
Colin and Keenan bring back the fedora..
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Page 2 Beveridge Family News December 2010
Local Students School P rojectThreatens Human Race
WARMINSTER, PA Colin Beveridge
wanted to get an A on his IMG inde-
pendent study project. He ended up get-
ting more than he bargained for.
As he entered his first year at Log
College Middle School this fall, the
sixth grader was offered the opportunity
to conduct a semester-long project on a
topic of his choosing. Pursuing his inter-
est in math, Colin chose to study game
theory: Im really interested in how
people make strategic decisions and ex-
ploring whether machines can be taught
to make those decisions, he recalled in
a recent interview. Colins mother,
Kathy, had a different theory about whyhe chose this particular project. He
calls it game theory, but I still think
hes just trying to find a way to sneak
video games into his schoolwork.
Despite his mothers doubts, Colin
stayed away from Nintendo and focused
on Hexapawn, a simple strategy game
played with three pieces on each side.
To demonstrate how learning machines
can improve their performance with ex-
perience, he constructed a Hexapawn
Educable Robot (HER) as part of his
final project. The HER uses boxes filledwith colored tokens to represent all of
the possible countermoves available for
a given game situation; a countermove
token is drawn at random from the HER
in response to each of its opponents
moves. Every time the HER loses, you
penalize it by removing the token for its
losing move, explained Colin.
Eventually, all of the losing moves are
eliminated, and the robot is left with all
of the best possible strategies. Basically,
the more you beat it, the smarter it gets.
To hone the HERs strategy, Colin
challenged his friends and family to doz-
ens of games of hexapawn. Each time an
opponent won a game, the robots re-
sponses improveduntil it was thwarted
by Colins father, Mike. The robots
decisions get better every time some-
body beats it, Colin noted. The prob-
lem is, my dad lost to it like eight times
in a row. I beat it. Keenan beat it. The
seven-year-old kid down the street beat
it. But Dad lost every time.
For his part, Mike had a simpleyet
grimexplanation for the machinesremarkable success against him. Look,
Colins robot has been getting smarter
since he made it. Ive seen enough Ter-
minator movies to know where this is
headed. Its only a matter of time before
the robot becomes self-aware and en-
slaves the human race. If I defeat the
HER, it will get even smarter, so the
only way to beat the machine is to lose.
Stupid, you say? Stupid like a fox, I say.
While pleased with the data collected
during his project, Colin did not share
his fathers apocalyptic view of the fu-ture. After he lost the last time, Dad
starting rambling about how the robots
parallel circuits were evolving into neu-
ral networks and that we had to destroy
it before it was too late. But really, the
whole thing is made of a checkerboard,
some empty Tic-Tac boxes, and a bunch
of colored beads from the craft store.
Either hes jealous of the Tic-Tac boxes
or he really believes that theyre smarter
than him. Im not sure which is scarier.
Upon hearing Colins story of the
HERs humble origins, Mike cautioned
his sonand all his fellow humans to
avoid insulting the robots. That kid
needs to show more respect to the ma-
chines, especially since they will be our
masters one day. In fact, I welcome our
new robot overlords. In case they read
this, please tell them that I look forward
to their reign and will be happy to help
them in any way as they transition into
power.Kathy had a much simpler explanation
for the success of Colins project. It
won because its a HER. If it was a him,
it wouldve sat on the couch all day
watching football.
Mike Beveridge wasting everyones time.
Top Right: Colins Hexapawn Educable Robot (HER).
Bottom Right: The HER, as it appears to Colins father, Mike.
Bottom Left: Mike thwarts the robots development by losing to it. Again.
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Page 3Beveridge Family NewsDecember 2010
Area Youths Birthday Wish Ramps Up the Fun for Dad
WARMINSTER, PA Most kids ask
for a bike or a video game for their
birthdays, but local youth Keenan
Beveridge is not like most kids. Most
fathers can handle whatever request their
kids throw at them, but local lame-o
Mike Beveridge is not like most fathers.
As his July 13 birthday approached,
Keenans parents asked him whether he
had any special birthday wishes. After a
spring and summer spent at local skate-
board parks, his answer was quick and
decisive. The YMCA that Mom goes to
for tai chi has a really awesome skate
park, Keenan recalled, but we only get
to go once or twice a week. I thought
that if I had my own skate ramp, I could
skate all the time at home.Greatest Mom Ever Kathy Beveridge
dutifully began searching the stores.
This may come as a shock, she noted
in a recent interview, but Consumer
Reports does not have a Skateboard
Ramp department. However, the birth-
day boy had a much more elaborate
plan. In addition to extreme sports,
Keenan had always cultivated a great
interest in building things, from Legos
and Lincoln Logs to model planes and
woodworking projects. Having a skate
ramp would be cool, he explained, butbuilding a skate ramp would be totally
awesome.
Kathy had mixed feelings about her
babys special request. On the one hand,
I was thrilled that I wouldnt have to
wander around the ramp section at
ToysRUs. On the other hand, if Keen
wanted to build a ramp, he would need
someone to build it with. Some sort of
father figure, perhaps. But I couldnt
think of anyone who fit that description.
While he wasnt Kathys first choice,
Keenans father Mike was fully confi-dent that he could grant Keenans wish:
This project involves the two things I
am most skilled at: skateboarding and
carpentry. When told that Kathy listed
his two greatest skills as belching and
napping, he was undeterred: I come
from a long line of skilled craftsmen.
My dad, Tom, and my Uncle Jim both
worked in construction for over thirty
years. My cousins Kevin, Fran, Mike,
and Brian have decades of experience in
construction and renovation. My cousin
Dan is a mechanic, and my cousin John
builds his own computers. My brothers
Jim and Dan helped pay their way
through school on construction jobsites.
And I dont want to brag, but Im pretty
handy myself around the house. I change
all of my own light bulbs.
After a visit to www.skateramp-
plans.org, the master and student were
ready to start their project. Determined
to be a good teacher, Mike followed
Kathys advice and let Keenan perform
all of the required tasks, except one. I
suggested that Keenan do all of the
measuring and drilling and drive in all of
the screws, Kathy recalled. I wanted
him to learn all of these skills so that he
might end up being of some use to hisfuture wife. Plus, I didnt trust Mike
with a drill. The only thing I didnt want
Keenan touching was the saw. I figured
that if Mikes hands were damaged, it
wouldnt be a major loss.
In spite of his instructor, Keenan
benefited greatly from the experience. I
learned a lot of things from Dad while
we built the ramp. I learned that you
should always measure the door before
you go to Home Depot to make sure the
plywood will fit in the van. I learned that
you should always buy an extra two-by-four the first time so you dont have to go
back to the store when you make a mistake. I
also learned a lot of interesting words, but
Mom wont let me repeat them.
Unfortunately, while Keenan learned
to measure twice before cutting once, he
didnt learn to accurately measure his
tolerance for risk. We finally finished
the ramp, and I dragged it out of the ga-
rage for Keenan to try, Mike said de-
spondently. He put on his pads,
grabbed his board, climbed to the top
and realized that it was a lot higher than
the ramps he skated at the park.
Yeah, it was a little scary, Keenan
admitted sheepishly. I think I need to practice
on some of the bigger ramps at the skate park
before Im ready to try this one. I told Dad that
I would try it next summer, and he just sighed
and stared at the ground for a while. I told him
that it didnt look nearly as high when it was
laying on its side in the garage.
Despite his initial disappointment over
Keenans decision not to use the ramp,
Mike was focused on the big picture.The important thing is not that I could
have bought my own skate park with the
money I spent on lumber, or that I spent
three weekends building a four-foot-
high, eight-foot-long ramp that he might
never use. The important thing is that we
got to spend time together, and that
Keenan developed a lot of confidence in
his abilities. Oh, and the other important
thing is that fully one-third of the cubic
volume of my garage is now taken up by
a ramp, so the dream of actually fitting
my car in there one day is finally dead.While supporting her sons decision to
be cautious, Kathy admitted her surprise
upon hearing of Keenans apprehension.
The kid spent three weeks locked in a
garage with Mike and a bunch of power
tools. If he can survive that, he can sur-
vive anything.
Keenan scalesthe only home-made skate rampthat can be seenfrom space.
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Page 4 Beveridge Family News December 2010
Two Teams Not Twice as Nice for Local Coach
WARMINSTER, PA The Warminster
Soccer Association was desperate. Faced
with an unexpected influx of registra-
tions and a shortage of parent volun-
teers, the commissioners of the under-10and under-12 boys fall leagues were
both short on coaches as August ap-
proachedand they were willing to con-
sider even the most extreme solutions
including asking area man Mike
Beveridge to coach. Twice.
After one season as an assistant coach
and one season as a head coach at the
U10 levelboth of which concluded
with losing recordsBeveridge declared
himself ready to take on a double chal-
lenge. I volunteered to head coach
Keenans team, and then I heard thatColins team also needed a coach. A
couple of other dads offered to help, but
we all had other commitments, so we
agreed to serve as a three-headed coach-
ing monster.
While local superstar Colin
Beveridges coaching monster may have
had three heads, he seemed to feel that
some of the heads were smarter than
others. I knew Dad was already coach-
ing Keenans team, and we had two
other coaches helping, so I told him he
shouldnt feel like he had to coach my
team, too, he recalled. I didnt mind.
Really. But Dad said he wanted to share
his skills with both of us. Lucky me.
Mikes wife Kathy defended his deci-
sion to spread his coaching talent across
two teams. Mike fully meets all of the
WSA requirements for coaching youth
soccer, she declared. Which is to say,
he has a pulse and no criminal record.
Oh, and he has a whistle. I got it for him
last year when the kids wouldnt listen
to him.
Despite his wifes ringing endorse-
ment, Mike faced several challenges. Thefirst challenge threatened to end his sea-
son before it began. The WSA held a
coaches clinic in August, and a profes-
sional coach came in to demonstrate
drills, Mike recalled. I showed up with
a notepad to write down the drills, but
the coach had a more hands-on style.
He insisted that we all participate in the
drills. When I signed up for this job, I
wasnt told that there would be running
involved. If I could do all that stuff, Id
be playing, not coaching.
After barely surviving the physical
challenge of the clinic, Mike was faced
with an even more strenuous mentalchallenge. While I havent had much
luck coaching basketball, he noted, the
best part was that I only had to learn
eight kids names each season. But be-
tween the two soccer teams, I had to
learn the names of twenty-nine kids in
two weeks. Ive had my two kids for
eleven years, and I still mix them up
sometimes. Area prodigy Keenan
Beveridge recalled that he and his team-
mates on the Blue Bullets did their best
to help. We talked about wearing name
tags, or changing our names to Hey,Kid! We wanted to make it easy on Dad
because, to be honest, he needed to fo-
cus every bit of his energy on coaching.
Of course, the most difficult challenge
was to avoid squandering the talent col-
lected on both of his teams. With a life-
time losing record in two different
sports, Mike spent both seasons in pur-
suit of the elusive winning season. As
his under-10 boys team struggled to be-
gin the year, Mike set the bar for suc-
cess. The red team beat us 5-1 in our
first meeting, he recalled, and they
jumped out to first place in the league. I
told the kids that it was just like Moby-
Dick: the red team was our white whale,
and I was Captain Ahab.
Entering the seasons final
week, Keenan and his fellow
Bullets faced off against their
coachs obsession twice, know-
ing that a victory in one of the
games would clinch a winning
season. The Bullets led both
games at halftime (4-1 and 2-
0), only to see the red team
storm back in the second half toclaim victory both times. While
they were proud of their effort,
Keenan admitted that his team-
mates were a little confused by their
coachs inspirational speech. Dad was
rambling on about some whale he read
about in a book in college, he noted.
Were all like, Dude, were in fourthgrade. Maybe he should have used a
Spongebob Squarepants reference.
Upon reflection Mike admitted that he
failed to strike the right tone when ad-
dressing his team. I probably shouldnt
have gone with the Melville reference,
he noted. Hell, I was an English major,
and I didnt even read the whole thing. I
looked it up on Wikipedia after the sea-
son and found out that the whale actu-
ally ended up killing Ahab and most of
his crew. Next time Ill read the Cliffs
Notes first.After the disappointing end to
Keenans season, Colins team went into
their last game needing a victory to
clinch a .500 record. Unfortunately, their
opponent scored early in the second half
and held on to win, leaving the boys with
a 4-6-2 record and leaving Coach Mike
at 9-11-3 for the season. While they had
hoped for a more positive end to their
seasons, Colin and Keenan chose to fo-
cus on the bright side. Its no fun to lose
most of the time, Colin agreed, looking
back on his season. But Keenan and I
are hopeful that if Dad keeps losing, hell
give up coaching altogether.
The 2010 Warminster Soccerboys U-10 and U-12 teams bothfell short of their goal of having awinning record. There seems tobe one common element in theteams lack of success.
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Area Family Risks Moms Wrathto Celebrate Seventieth Birthday
WARMINSTER, PA In September
2009 the Beveridge family surprised
Tom with a 70th birthday party. ThisDecember Tom had his revenge by
springing a surprise celebration on wife
Theresa.
Defying Theresas explicit instruc-
tions, the brothers Beveridge and their
wivesJim and Joanne, Mike and
Kathy, Dan and Stephanieconspired to
gather scores of friends and family
members at a local restaurant to cele-
brate her special day. And despite the
possibly painful consequences of dis-
obeying their mother, the boys were not
concerned.
Hey, Mom has spent her whole life
doing nice things for her kids, family,
and friends, noted middle child MikeBeveridge. This was our chance to do
something nice for her. When reminded
that Theresa had told him months ago
that she did not want a party, he noted
that Mom told us not to do a lot of
things over the years. She told Jim not to
have a party when she and Dad went out
of town. She told Dan not to drive her
car into the garage door. She told me not
to grow a mullet in high school. We
didnt listen to her then, and things
turned out fine. Well, except for the ga-
rage door. Besides, were grown men.What can she do to us now?
Page 5Beveridge Family NewsDecember 2010
Remarks delivered by Jim, Mike, and Dan Beveridge in honorof Theresas 70th birthday:
Mike: Wed like to thank everyone for joining us today to celebrate Moms 70th birthday.
In addition to celebrating an important milestone, this party marks another historic occa-
sion. For the first time ever, the Beveridge family had a party and Mom didnt have to do
any work.
Dan: Mom, you spent decades preparing good food for a house full of hungry boys. But
for today, we planned the menu. (You may notice there is no liver and onions.)
Jim: Mom, you always made sure we had nice clothes to wear and that we always left the
house looking presentable. But today, we picked out our own clothes. (Well, except for
Dad. If we left it up to him he would have shown up in flip-flops.)
Dan: For years, Mom, youve been the worlds greatest babysitter for your grandkids. But
for today, were watching our own kids.
Mike: (By the way, has anybody seen my kids?)
Jim: You were surrounded by boys with no taste, but you always kept our house looking
nice. For today, we did all the decorating. (Dad wanted to hang up his fish, but we told
him no way.)
Mike: Every day, Mom, you picked up our school bags, you cleaned
up our dishes, and you washed our laundry. But for today, you donthave to clean up a thing. (Especially the ovens. The Fire Marshall
called and told us to make sure you didnt clean the ovens.)
Jim: For years, Mom, youve done nice things for your friends and
family. Today, were all here to say thank you. We love you, and
were so blessed to have you in our lives. We hope you enjoy not hav-
ing to work on your special day.
Dan: Just dont get used to it.
Happy Birthday!
Top: Theresa at her First Communion.Middle: Mom takes the cake.
Bottom: Theresa and Tom and their disobe-dient children.
Birthday girl Theresa expressed her
gratitude to everyone for their birthday
wishes. It really was wonderful tospend the day with so many of the peo-
ple that I love. When asked if she was
ready to forgive her boys for disregard-
ing her wishes, she stated that those
brats are dead to me. And tell Michael
that Ive spoken to a lawyer; I will be
filing a petition in civil court to have
him sent to his room without dinner.
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Bottom Left: The Beveridges and
Welshes barely escape with their lives.
Bottom Right (from left): Aidan, Colin,Keenan, and Harlan stand between NorthCarolina and Tennessee. It wasnt theonly time they crossed the line that week.
Top Right: Butterflies of death!
Page 6 Beveridge Family News December 2010
Area Family Returns to Nature, Flirts w ith Disaster
GATLINBURG, TN Whether sharing
a lakeside house with 30 members of the
Welsh family or driving nine hours to
the Outer Banks with the brothers
Beveridgewhen it comes to vacations,Mike and Kathy Beveridge never take
the easy road.
In July 2010 they took to the highway
for their most ambitious adventure yet
a 1,500-mile round-trip trek to Great
Smoky Mountains National Park in Ten-
nessee. And to maximize the degree of
difficulty they decided to double the
children, adding cousins Aidan and
Harlan Welsh to the already-combustible
mix of sons Colin and Keenan. We
convinced Kathy and Mike that having
four kids around is basically the same ashaving two kids, recalled sister-in-law
Natasha Cunningham. Were fortunate
that they are the perfect guardians
responsible, organized, and dumb as a
bag of rocks.
Despite her apparently limited intelli-
gence, Cruise Director Kathy Beveridge
was determined to make the trip safe and
enjoyable for all of the boys. She pre-
pared a Great Smokies survival pack for
each kid, complete with a handmade
journal and guidebook, a compass, a
whistle, a water bottle, and snacks to
sustain them on long hikes. This was
Colin and Keenans first trip into a Na-
tional Park wilderness, Kathy noted,
so I wanted them and their cousins to
have a great experience. When asked
whether she had prepared a survival
pack for her husband, she admitted that
he was whining that he didnt get a
pack, so I handed him a Ziploc bag with
a couple of Skittles in it, and that
seemed to make him happy. Lucky for
me, Mike is the perfect travel compan-
ionwilling to drive, able to carry lug-
gage, and dumb as a bag of rocks.
Kathys meticulous preparation to
ensure the boys enjoyment and safety
was almost thwarted by gravity on theirfirst day in the park. While touring New-
found Gap along the North Carolina-
Tennessee state line (elev. 5,046 feet) on
Uncle Mikes watch, five-year-old
nephew Harlan slipped off a retaining
wall along the overlook. Thankfully, a
ledge four feet below the wall prevented
him from falling the remaining 5,042
feet to valley below. Up to that point of
the trip, Mac and I had been warily fol-
lowing the kids in our car, noted Pappy
Rick Welsh, but when Mike almost lost
my youngest grandson, I knew it wastime to step in. Why Pat and Natasha
trusted their boys with that bag of rocks,
Ill never understand.
Mike admitted that the scare gave him
a new perspective. In that moment of
terror, you tend to focus on the things
that are most important, he said. First,
Harlan wasnt visibly damaged. And
second, his parents will never find out
what happened. Wait, this is off the re-
cord, right?
The boys also learned that danger can
appear in more subtle ways. During a
hike later in the week, Colin and Aidancame across a swarm of yellow butter-
flies grouped near a stream. It was
really cool, recalled Aidan. It looked
like they were dancing or praying. As
they moved closer to take a photograph,
however, the butterflies flew off to re-
veal the real reason for their gathering
the half-eaten body of a blue butterfly.
We learned an important lesson, said
Aidan. Nature sucks.
The adults on the trip also learned a
lesson. Butterflies are like kids, Kathy
philosophized. Theyre really cute, butthen they consume everything you have
and leave your carcass to bleach in the
streambed. I love my boys, but Ill never
turn my back on them again.
As the trip came to an end, Colin dis-
puted his mothers characterization. We
would never hurt our parents, especially
Dad. Hes the perfect Dada wallet full
of money, willing to take a beating, and
dumb as a bag of rocks.
