BALANCING LOVE AND LIMITS WITH YOUR EVER-CHANGING MIDDLE SCHOOLER John Walker, Ph.D., LMFT Family Connections: Loudoun County Department of Family Services
Feb 24, 2016
BALANCING LOVE AND LIMITS WITH YOUR EVER-CHANGING
MIDDLE SCHOOLERJohn Walker, Ph.D., LMFT
Family Connections: Loudoun County Department of Family
Services
They Grow Up Fast!
Scrappy, hyper & forgetful Bikes to mopeds Goal oriented; Cutting lawns Loved Gilligan’s Island, Dukes of
Hazard and being independent Class clown “Shattered” by the Rolling
Stones
Thrived on attention from friends At any expense
Girls were wonderful and magical
Tried to defy puberty Swim class and locker rooms Love the honesty, silliness, and
awkwardness of pre-teens
What were you like at 12 or 13? What is your most salient memory of that time? How did you handle puberty? How did you think about adults and peers? How about the opposite sex? What did you feel most awkward about? Were you under a lot of pressure? How were you acting like a child, but wanting to
be mature? What is it about the age of your middle schooler
that you like?
Getting in Touch with Your Inner Middle Schooler
Middle School: A Developmental Roller Coaster
A lot of work to do: cognitive, physical, and psychosocial development
Most important characteristic is “uneven development”
Behavior may swing from childlike to adult-like Physical characteristics may be adult-like while
behavior is childlike Lack of fit between adults’ expectations of
preteens, preteens’ expectations of themselves, and preteens’ capabilities
Peer oriented, but still need parents (e.g. values) Makes it confusing to them and frustrating to
adults
“I am SPECIAL” Personal fable (David Elkind)– belief in own uniqueness; feeling of invincibility
You’re not so perfect”: Welcome to de-idealization “It’s all about me” –
• They assume others are thinking about them all the time
• Highly sensitive to judgments/opinions: Imaginary peer group is far more critical than actual peers (who are preoccupied with own selves)
Idealistic: Can think about abstract ideals, but lack actual experience and are often unable to accept failure of school, family, and society to live up to ideals
“It won’t happen to me”: Don’t fully understand cause-effect structure of world due to lack of experience; often feel it doesn’t apply to themselves“
Normal Developmental Challenges & Annoyances
What is Different in the World of Today’s Teens?
What was normal then, is not “normal” now Child oriented Over-scheduling; parents become agents Perfection Trap; school, sports, body image,
etc. More parent friends Fast tracked sexuality Accessibility of drugs and alcohol Difficulty delaying gratification
Internet/texting/e-mail: Less inhibition, fewer boundaries, less
pressure from the conscience, more exploration of alternative selves
Cyber-bullying Violent media Harassment and bullying False self Social skills Physical danger/exploitation
What is Different in the World of Today’s Teens?
Connection and Limits: Our Biggest Challenges
Technology isolates: I-pods, internet, cell phones, my space, etc.
Disconnection from extended family and community
Disconnection/isolation among teens Teens can feel empty and with no purpose
or mission Entitlement: Our kids expect more than we
did Parents can feel guilty, overwhelmed, and
tired
Top 3 Strategies to Set Limits
Limits: Button Pushing Starts Early
Children... the masters of process Who is controlling the mood and direction? How does the parent’s age drop? Who is bringing out the worst in whom?
Top 10 Teen Button-Pushing Tactics (Sells, 2001)
1) “You never let me do anything” 2) Lying3) “You don't care about me.” 4) “You're not my real mother/father.” 5) A disgusted look or improper gesture 6) Finding your most vulnerable area and preying on it7) “ You play favorites.” 8) “ I hate you! ”9) “ I’ll do it later …... ”10) Chronic, unbearable whining
Top 10 Parent Button-Pushing Tactics (Sells, 2001; Walker 2004)
1) Preaching or Using Clichés 2) Talking in Chapters 3) Labeling 4) Futurizing 5) Instant Problem-Solving 6) “You’re so moody!” 7) Not tolerating experimental behavior (e.g.
clothes, hair,etc) 8) “When I was your age…….”9) Collecting criticisms10) Hovering
Strategy #1: Button Busters: Managing the Mood (Sells, 2001)
“Discipline problems decrease as the overall climate of the family improves”
1) Don’t take it personally2) Exit and wait3) Short and to the point4) Deflectors
Nevertheless; regardless; the rule still stands5) Secret Signals
Strategy #2: Couch criticism
A. Make positive intention knownB. Give the criticismC. Make sure they hear your confidence in
them
Remember to Privatize it!
Strategy #3: Family Agreements In-home accountability training Encourage responsibility with teen input
Involve choices Focus on behavior, not person They are easier to accept than
punishments Helps teens build internal locus of control
Family Agreements. Parents
Unite
STEP 1
Rank order the problems Check your gas gauge Convert problem into a rule (Family Agreement sheet)
Top 10 things teens care aboutNegotiate Rewards and Consequences
Troubleshoot
Parents & Teen negotiate
STEP 2
Can You Tell They Didn’t Troubleshoot?
Top 6 Strategies to Get Connected
Strategy #1: Assess your Connection (Steinberg, 2004):
Can you name all of your child’s teachers? Do you know who your child’s best friends are? Do you know what he/she likes to study in
school? Do you know what book he/she is reading? Can you name your child’s favorite athletes,
celebrities, movies, music, TV shows? Do you know how she/he spends time after
school, in the evenings, & on weekends? How does he/she spend their money? Do you know if you child is happy, sad, popular
or lonely, anxious or untroubled? What are they most worried about? Who does your child go to when they are
upset? Ask them why. ( it’s a roadmap for what you can do).
Strategy #2 Slow Down the Race to Maturity
Relieve the pressure to be perfect Provide opportunities to achieve
competence and success Support and accept bouts of immaturity Monitor dating
Encourage group dates Friend them on Facebook Casually meet the girlfriend/boyfriend
Strategy #3 Befriend their friends
Get to know them Make sure you spend time with them Make your house the place to be Get to know the parents
Strategy #4 Monitor the Computer
Put it in public Limit time Check history Get access to My Space, Face Book, etc.
Strategy #5 Insist on Tech-Free, Quality Time
In the car In the hot tub During a meal and 20 minutes after
Strategy #7: Find a mutual interest
Unconditional one on one time Prioritize it and schedule it
Special Outings Handout
Strategy #5: Accept feelings
Separate behavior from feelings “I know you feel that way” “I can see why you think that” “No wonder you feel that way” “Oh, I get it, that makes sense”
Strategy #6: Praise in Public & Private
Nurturing notes Positive reports
DISCUSSIONJohn P. Walker, Ph.D.Family ConnectionsLoudoun County Department of Family [email protected](571) 258-3071