Assertiveness

ASSERTIVENESS“DON’T SAY YES WHEN YOU WANT TO SAY NO” -Herbert Fensterhein

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DOES IT HAPPEN TO YOU?

• Do you often find that others coerce you into thinking their way?

• Is it difficult for you to express your feelings openly and honestly?

• Do you sometimes lose control and become angry at others?

• Do you yell at your group mates when they don’t pay any heed to your idea?

“YES” is an expression of“LACK OF ASSERTION OR ASSERTIVENESS IN

COMMUNICATION”

OK CORRAL:LIFE POSITIONS VS ATTITUDE

I'M NOT OKYOU'RE OK

"I wish I could do that as well as you do“

Passive

I'M OKYOU'RE OK

"Hey, we're making good progress now"

Assertive

I'M NOT OKYOU'RE NOT OK

"Oh this is terrible – we'll never make it“

Confused

I'M OKYOU'RE NOT OK

"You're not doing that right –let me show you"

Aggressive

“I’m OK, you’re OK”:people are in the ‘get on with’ position“I’m OK, you’re not OK” :people are in the ‘get rid of’ position“I’m not OK, you’re OK”:people are in the ‘get away position’“I’m not OK, you’re not OK” :people are in the ‘get nowhere’ position

All four positions have bearing on individual thinking and subsequent verbal manifestations (communication)

AGGRESSION

• Getting my own way anyway – cost to others, not my concern

• No interest or respect for the rights, wants or needs of others

• Usually destructive – physically or psychologically or both

• The basic message remains: “This is what I think – you’re stupid for believing differently. This is what I want – what you want is not important.”

AGGRESSION

IMPORTANT PROCESS VARIABLES:• Invasive/angry staring-eye contact• Loud strident voice,• Invasion of spatial boundaries,• Use of aggressive gestures • Stiff or muscled up posture,• Towering over others, etc

AGGRESSION

AGGRESSION

AFTERMATH:• Aggression often breeds aggression- a

vicious cycle

• Aggression can make us unpopular

• Aggression discourages helping hands in the future

• Short-term and myopic “feel-good” factor

PASSIVITY

• Violating one’s own rights by failing to express honest feelings, thoughts and beliefs in a manner easily disregarded by others

• The basic message: “My feelings don’t matter – only yours do. My thoughts aren’t important – yours are the only ones worth listening to. I am nothing – you are superior.”

PASSIVITY

• Behaving as other people’s rights matter more than our own

• Goal is to appease others and to avoid conflict at any cost

• Passive people don’t consider as if they have the right to:o Have an opinion,o Contribute, and o Be valued

PASSIVITY

IMPORTANT PROCESS VARIABLES:• No eye contact(indirect or evasive eye

contact)• Soft or muffled voice,• Cringing or physically making yourself

small(hang-dog posture),• Use of nervous or childish gestures, etc

PASSIVITY

PASSIVITY

AFTERMATH:• Not getting what we want

• Inviting less respect from others

• Reduced stress in the short term

• Likely permanent under-confidence

CONFUSED

• These people feel confused or aimless

• They don’t see the point of doing anything, and so usually don’t bother

• People tend to become deceptive/ misleading

CONFUSED

ASSERTIVENESS: WHAT IS IT?

Assertiveness is the ability to express ones thoughts and feelings in a way that clearly states your needs and keeps the line of communication open with the other.- Ryan and Travis

ASSERTIVENESS

That Code of conduct which enables an individual to think in a positive manner about oneself & the co-participants, to be open to ideas and suggestions and willing to accept change if the need so arises.- Asha KaulProfessor IIM - A

ASSERTIVENESS

• Sees everyone as equal with equal rights and equal responsibility

• It’s about finding ‘win:win’ solutions

• Standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways that do not violate another person’ rights

IMPORTANT PROCESS VARIABLES:

• Direct but non-invasive eye contact,• Modulated voice,• Respect for spatial boundaries, • Use of illustrative gestures,• An erect but relaxed postures,• Wearing a friendly yet professional look, etc

ASSERTIVENESS

BONUS:

• Necessary skill for human survival

• A reflector of positive mental health

• Assertiveness increases the chances of our needs being met

• It allows us to remain in control

• Assertiveness brings greater self-confidence

• Assertiveness lets us have greater confidence in others

• Assertive people have more friends

• You experience fewer conflicts and arguments

• Reduced stress

ASSERTIVENESS: SOME MYTHS

• “I will get what I want”: Not necessarily.Not a form of manipulation otherwise no mutual respect will exist.

• “There is a need to be assertive in all situations”: Not true. You may choose to be non-assertive when:

• Dealing with overly sensitive individuals who become threatened when faced with open communication

• Unusual circumstances call for special understanding and compassion

• Chances of misinterpretation are high

• “Others will be assertive if you are assertive”Not necessarily

Others may respond with confusion, passiveness, or open aggression or they may withdraw completely

EGO STATES OR PERSONALITY TYPES

Berne defined three basic personalities or Ego States –

Each with characteristic attitudes, feelings, behaviours and language. Two of the states subdivide into two further facets.

THE EGO STATES

Compliant and politeRebellious and manipulative

ADAPTED CHILD

Fun loving and energeticCreative and spontaneous

FREE (NATURAL) CHILDCHILD

Concerned with data and factConsiders options and estimates probabilitiesMakes unemotional decisionsPlans and makes things happen

ADULT

Advises and guidesProtects and nurtures

NURTURING PARENT

Make rules and sets limitsDisciplines, judges and criticizes

CRITICAL PARENT

PARENT

EGO STATES VS LIFE POSITIONS STRIKING THE BALANCE

HOW ASSERTIVE AM I?

For each situation below, mark each response as either passive, aggressive, assertive or confused.

Situation 1: Your friend has just complimented you on how well dressed you are and how nice you look. You feel pleased, and you say:

1.“Oh come on, you’re just saying that to be nice. You probably say that to everybody.”

Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused 1.“Thank you.”

Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused1.“Oh, I bought this on sale.”

Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused1.“Yeah, life is full of fun.”

Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

Situation 2: You have just been criticized by your family because they didn’t like what you prepared for the evening meal. You say:

1.“Oh I didn’t know that food is bad. Anyways, I will not cook any more in the future.”


HOW ASSERTIVE AM I? - 4

1.“Nothing”Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused1.“Shut up! If you don’t like what I cook, you

cook it yourself !”Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused1.“I think your criticism is unfair. Tell me what

you like that I can cook next time.”Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

Situation 3: You are returning a faulty item to the department store. You bought a shirt and when you got it home, you found it to have a flaw in it. You don’t want the item as it is. The clerk has just said, “It’s a sale merchandise, and besides no one will ever notice it.” You say:

1.“Well, I still want to return this one and either get my money refunded, or exchange it for one that is not defective. I do not want this one”

Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused• “Look, give me my money back. I don’t have

all day for you to waste my time.”Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

1.“Well, I suppose I can keep it, if you’re sure it won’t show.”


1.“I think you have cheated me. I will just call the police.”


Situation 4: You and your partner are dinning out at a moderately expensive restaurant. You have ordered a medium Tandoori Chicken. When the Tandoori is served, it is rather over done. You :

1.Grumble to yourself but eat the Tandoori and say nothing to the waiter. When you pay the bill and the cashier asks, “How was everything?,” You say, “Fine.”


1.Say to the waiter, “I ordered my Tandoori to be cooked medium. This is over done. Please bring me one cooked medium.”


1.Get up and complain to the cashier about the poor service. “If people can’t cook what I order, I am not going to eat here!”


1.You yell at the waiter and walk out of the restaurant.


HOW TO PRAISE AND CRITICISE

• Comment on specific actions than generalizing it

e.g., ‘You missed the deadline for that report’ rather than ‘You are absolutely hopeless at managing

your time’

• Follow up with reasons for your comments. e.g.,

‘You missed the deadline for that report, probably because you have been spending more time on telesales than we planned.’

‘Perhaps we should discuss how you should allocate your time in future?’

• Do not use insincere praise e.g., ‘I know you are the most hardworking

person in this office.’ ‘Perhaps you could just write up the minutes

for me?’

• When giving criticism, seek solutions, rather than commenting on somebody’s personality.

e.g., ‘You seem to be getting lot of complaints.’

instead say:

‘You seem to be getting lot of customer complaints in your section at the moment. Do you know what the problem is.’

• Above all, avoid public put-downs, or criticism in situations which will cause embarrassment

WHETHER ‘YES’ OR ‘NO’

Rationally, saying ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ depends upon the nature of the anticipated outcome

• You say ‘Yes’ when anticipated outcome satisfies you

• You say ‘No’ when anticipated outcome does not satisfy you

Thank You…

Assertiveness

Health & Medicine

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