RADIO PLAYS/ ANNIES PLAYSCOLLECTION 1
286.
Friday night. Bryan and Sineads living room.
Bryan:Cant say this is the best curry Ive ever had but its not
bad. Try another one next time maybe. What do you think
love?Silence.
287.
Friday night. Bryan and Sineads living room.
Bryan:Cant say this is the best chinese Ive ever had but itll
do. Fills my belly. What do you think love?Silence.
288.
Friday night. Bryan and Sineads living room.
Bryan:Cant say this is the best curry Ive ever had but its not
bad. Its growing on me actually. Its got a good kick. What do you
think love?Silence.
289.
Friday night. Bryan and Sineads living room.
Bryan:Lovely fish and chips eh love? Silence.Are you ok love?Did
you like your fish and chips?Silence.Gogglebox in a minute. We like
that dont we?Maybe we should apply to be on it. Wonder how you go
about it. I could look it up.Silence.Might have some ice cream for
pud.Do you want some ice cream love? Quick, before Gogglebox
starts.Silence.Ill get you some anyway.We like vanilla.Bryan leaves
to get the ice cream.Sinead sits in silence.302.
Angel:Fine, vilify me for the horrible things I do. Just dont
fuck about.
303.
An osteopaths.
Angel:My name is Angel and Ill be taking your taking your
session today; Danielles not feeling too well. Vera:Oh dear, give
her my love wont you? Whats wrong with her?Angel:Not right in the
head.Vera:You what?Angel:Just a little joke, think shes got the
shits. Now if youd lie down on your front for me.
304.
Angel:If youre going to vilify me then get it over with pet.
305.
An osteopaths.
Angel:Got a little question for you Vera.Vera:Whats
that?Angel:Are you currently on illegal drugs? Have you brought
Class A drugs into this practice with you?Vera:Excuse me?Angel:Just
a little joke. lol.
306.
Angel:Im a completely normal person. Just dont look me in the
eye.I get awkward.See you then. Bye.
RADIO PLAYS/ ANNIES PLAYSCOLLECTION 2
319.
A caf. Donna is sitting with Jessie and Jill. Ashley spots Donna
from the other side of the room.
Ashley:Hi!Donna looks up. Has no idea who Ashley is.Donna:Oh
hi!Ashley:How are you?Donna:Yeah, yeah, good. How are
you?Ashley:You dont remember me do you?Donna:ErmmShe is
struggling.NoAshley:From Cineworld..Donna:Oh. Right yeah, yeah. I
remember, sorry.Ashley:Cool. So what you doing here?Donna:Just
having a jacket potato.Ashley:Thats cool.Silence.Really good to see
you, you know. Donna:Yeah.Ashley:Whats your facebook? Donna:Erm. My
nameAshley looks at her expectantly.Donna Summer.Ashley has got his
phone out and is typing. He shows her the screen.Yeah thats
me.Ashley:Cool. We should meet up or something. Ill facebook
you.Donna:OkAshley:Really good to see you. Donna:Bye.Ashley
leaves.Ive never spoken to that boy before in my life. Oh look, Ive
got a friend request.
320.
I dont like people staring at me through cracks.
321.
I dont like people staring at me through cracks but I like to
look at them when they dont know.
322.
I dont like people staring at me through cracks but I like to
look at them when they dont know. I look at them through tiny
spaces and I take a picture in in my mind. I blind and take a
picture and then I go home and draw it.
323.
I go home and draw them and then I go back and I post the
picture through the crack. If it fits. Otherwise, I find somewhere
to stick the picture where I know theyll see it. I dont want them
feel scared. I want them to feel beautiful.
324.
Im wary of cracks in my home. I dont wish for anybody to draw
me. Thats just my rule.
325.
A coffee shop. A notice is written on a chalk board: We are no
longer serving Chai Latte, apologies. Hilda considers this for a
moment.
Hilda:I wonder what she did.
326.
Eggbert:Whenever both Hammy and Veg arent here I get suspicious.
I am suspicious now.
327.
Meg:I love walking about with a rat on my shoulder. Its just the
way I am.
RADIO PLAYS/ ANNIES PLAYSCOLLECTION 3
328.Matilda:When I was at the hairdressers the other day I lied
both profusely and compulsively. I told her, Maisy her name was,
that my name was Maureen and Id been part of the bomb disposal
squad in Afghanistan. I had just split up from my long term partner
and neither of the kids were speaking to me as Id had affairs with
a string of men including Jakes head of year. I told her that Im
callous and cold and I hate myself for not caring that my world is
crumbling around me. She said she was very sorry to hear all this
but wasnt it exciting. Like a soap, she said. Or a three-part
drama. She asked me about Afghansistan and I said I didnt want to
dwell on it too much. Said my somewhat wild behavior on my return
was probably a consequence of being so controlled and regimented
whilst out there, I mean you have to be. She told me I was very
brave. I said thank you though bravery didnt come into it, it was
just a life choice. Told her Im pregnant and I dont know who the
father is. One of my string of men I said. Said I dont really know
how to feel anymore. Said my favourite colour was blue. I mean I
dont mind blue but its not my favourite by any stretch of the
imagination. Only truth I told was what brand of shampoo I use.
Herbal Essences. I felt I owed that to her. Let her do her job
properly. Couldnt let lovely Maisy waste her breath. Also, I
thought about this, if I lied about my shampoo her advice would be
redundant. As it was, she told me that thats probably why I find my
hair is getting greasy more quickly than it used to. Thats
something I took away from it. Thats a fact I took home with me.
Stopped off in Sainsburys on the way and got some Head and
Shoulders, stop me getting dandruff. Might get my hair done
somewhere else next time. On the other hand, might not.
329.
yeahyeahalrightokalrightyeahok then.Yeah, okGood.
330.
I feel really really sad.Thats because were breaking up.332.
Prunella and Martha are knitting.
Prunella:Oh petal youve done that wrong havent
you?Martha:No.Prunella:You have petal, youve done it wrong.Martha:I
havent done it wrong.Prunella:Its all in a muddle
petal.Martha:Youre in a muddle. She throws her knitting at Prunella
and storms off.
333.
Oh mate!What you doing there mate?Can I help you mate?Mate?Where
you going mate?Mate?Mate?Oh mate.
334.
Martin:I love biscuits. Thats why Im so fat. I live almost
exclusively on a diet of biscuits, bacon and beer. Im not a well
man. But Im a happy one.
336.
Beth:I think what makes me different from everybody else is the
fact that Im so selfless. I never think of myself. You know how it
goes, theres no I in me. Thats the mantra by which I live my life.
Im not a hysterical person. Whenever I start getting really worked
up about things like famine or poor people, I just sit down in my
quiet room and say my mantra over and over again.Theres no I in me,
theres no I in metheres no I in meand so on. You get the idea.And
then Im back to normal. You should try it. Dont forget it, theres
no I in me. Theres no I in me and youre on the path to being a
little bit more like me. And really, I think thats what the world
needs. More people like me.
337.
Jet:Im just like you, but famous. And that makes me quite a lot
better.
RADIO PLAYS/ ANNIES PLAYSCOLLECTION 4338.
A cinema.Hannah:Whats your name and Ill search for you on the
system.XXX:X X X.Hannah:No, sorry your name. And then I can search
for you on the system.XXX:Yes, that is my name. XXX.Hannah:Erm. Ok.
Ill have a look. Types XXX into the system.Nothing seems to be
coming up.XXX:It should.Hannah:Is there anything else it could
possibly be under?XXX:Jet.Hannah:Jet?XXX:Yes.
Jet.Hannah:OkTypes.No, sorry still nothing. Have you got an email
address it might be under?XXX(Getting impatient) Jet XXX.Hannah:Jet
XXXXXX:Yes. Jet XXX.Hannah:No, I mean what it at. JetXXX at
Hotmail, or..?XXX:JetXXX at JetXXX.co.uk.Hannah:Ok. I still cant
see you.XXX:Jet. Hannah:Ive tried that. Ok Ive had an idea, Ill try
the postcode again without any spaces.XXXJet. XXX.Hannah:Ok right
Ive found you. Sorry about that.XXX:Jet.Hannah:Ok that will be 8.60
please.XXX pays by card. Hannah hands her her ticket.(She turns to
her colleague) Her name is definitely Sharon or something.
339.
Eloise:Everyone else is nice. Its just her.Angie:Who?Eloise:The
doctor.
340.
Eloise:So she just offloaded on me. She basically said Im
clinically depressed. Angie:Because of the doctor?Eloise:Because of
the doctor.
341.
Eloise: My mum calls it aspir-asian-al.
342.
Eloise:Shes had her surgery. She had a tummy tuck, facelift, and
liposuction. You name it, shes had it.
343.
Eloise:Doctor Browne will sort me out.
344.
Eloise: Hes having coffee with Naomi Klein.
345.
Eloise is on the phone to Doctor Browne.
Eloise:The lizard kind of fits with the whole tropical theme as
well. Whats the plot?
No this is too much detail, I only want it to be very short.
Ok, carry on.
Eloise looks unimpressed/confused. Doctor Browne is speaking a
lot and confusing her.
I dont want to go from there, that sound so long winded and
dull. If only Annie would have heard you she would have cut you
short within the first 30 seconds.
It must be succinct.
The sounds down the phone. What are you doing? Oh its windy. Are
you going home?Having coffee with Naomi Klein.
Oh shes gone.RADIO PLAYS/ ANNIES PLAYSCOLLECTION 5
313.
Tina:Made the mistake of reading the comments sections of an
opinions pieces on the guardian website about the Jenifer Lawrence
and co naked photo leaks, now I think Im going to be depressed all
day.Gina & Nina:What did it say?Tina:The article was talking
about how these sorts of things are done to keep women in their
place, reminding them of their otherness, pointing out this never
happens to male stars etc. Clearly very exploitive, these things
are done deliberately to humiliate, using womens sexuality as a
weapon to shame them etc. And well done Jenifer Lawrence for saying
something. But all the comments underneath are just, oh great
another article bashing white men, why is this even a news story?,
serves them right for taking photos of themselves. Im hoping that
all of the sane people have become so sick of the stupidity of the
guardians supposedly liberal readership.Gina:I never read the
comments, pure poison.Tina:yeah genuinely feel upset for women
today. And just society in general.Gina:On a different note I got
reported at work for eating a olive.
346.
Eloise is on the phone to Doctor Browne.
Eloise:Ive got the characters down. Your contribution has been
huge. You created the concept. You want your name splattered all
over it. Ill make sure that happens. Can Rudolph transform into a
giant arachnid. Ill think about it. Yep. Its quite Kafkaesque.
Yeah. Micro climate, Im liking it yeah.
I like it I like it a lot. I like it.
Ok Ill let you go off to have coffee with Naomi Klein. You said
you were, why you lying? Ok, love you. See you on Friday. Yep. Ok.
Love you bye.
347.
Eloise draws hearts on a banana skin.
RADIO PLAYS/ ANNIES PLAYSCOLLECTION 6
349.
Jenkins is more than a little daunted by the task ahead. Its the
scariest thing Ive ever done, she confesses. Butt, that environment
comes very naturally to me.
362.
I wrote one about a guy who was licking someone.Oh.
371.
I only write in blue. Blacks not good for my handwriting.
372.
I only write in blue. Blacks not good for my heart.
384.
Dinah:Tomorrow I will be attending an intensive improv
workshop.
385.
Danah:I think I would rather die than attend an intensive
improve workshop.
386.
Yasmin:Denny can do one.
387.
Tobes:When was the last time you thought about myspace?
388.
Abi:Things die.
389.
A hospital.
Tilly:Some of the patients here are so cute and frail I want to
die.Theres a husband and wife duo from Venezuela called Ismand and
Pasquela. Their taxi to the hospital always drops them in the wrong
place but they still find their way in. They are like 87.
390.
Tia:Peter Andre loves his kids Tamera:I love my patients.
391.
Tamera:One of the nurses is called Maureen OMaureen. Shes Irish
and I think shes the best person Ive ever met. Maureen has taught
me how to make beds really quickly. Tia:Im very slow and irritable
when making a bed.Tamera:Im so good at stripping the sheets
off.Tia:I can believe that.
392.
Annie:Im using you for your words, you know that dont
you?Lizzie:Ive been used for many worse things.Silence.Annie:I have
silenced you.
RADIO PLAYS/ ANNIES PLAYSCOLLECTION 7
401.
Trisha:I like things my way and I will not apologise.
402.
Trisha:Never apologise, never expain.
403.
Trisha:Go hard or go home.
404.
Trisha:There are certain rules that I will live and die by. I am
a very unforgiving person.
405.
Trisha:Dont cross me.
406.
Trisha:If you cross me the first thing I will do is stamp on
your foot.
407.
Trisha:If you cross me the last thing I will do is pour acid in
your eye.
408.
Trisha:If you cross me, all that comes between the first and the
last things I do are as yet unknown to me.
409.
Trisha:If you cross me I will have to pop on my thinking
cap.
410.
Trisha:I never apologise and I certainly dont explain.
411.
Trisha:I work in customer service.
412.
Trisha:Never call me Trish. Once I met a man and he called me
Trish. Now he is with the dinosaurs.
429.
Joe:I think Mum rung Dad the other day.Pete:No way.Joe:No yeah I
think she did.Pete:How dyou know?Joe:Dunno.Pete:What dyou mean you
dunno?Joe:I dunno, I just think she was on the phone to
him.Pete:Did you hear?Joe:Yeah.Pete:Well what was she
saying?Joe:Dunno.Pete:What dyou mean you dunno? You said you heard.
What did she say?Joe:I dunno, I cant remember. I just think it was
Dad.Pete:Why?Joe:I dunno, I just do.Pete:Dyou think we should ask
her?Joe:No!Pete:Well.. I dunno.Joe:No, me neither.
432.
Stacey:I forgot how drive this morning. I got my keys out, got
in the car and I shit you not, I didnt know what to do next. It was
a very weird experience. Just didnt know what to do. Couldnt
remember. So I got out and got on the bus. Took bloody ages. Still
cant remember how to bloody drive. James dont believe me. I said to
him why would I pretend Ive forgotten how to drive? Why would I
lie?, he said, I dunno, I said exactly. Hes still not convinced. I
dunno what Im gonna do in the morning. What if I havent remembered
by then? Gonna have to set the alarm half an hour earlier incase I
have to get the bus again. Right bloody nuisance this is.
RADIO PLAYS/ ANNIES PLAYSCOLLECTION 8
433.
Gavin:Forgot how to use the grill earlier. Just ate my bacon
raw.
434.
Jane:If Im talking to you and Im looking at you, you know Im
telling you the truth.
435.
Jane:If Im talking to you and Im not looking at you, you should
be worried.
436.
Jane:If Im not talking to you and Im not looking at you,
run.
437.
Jake:Ive never had a bunch of flowers of my own before. I like
daffodils.
438.
Sainsburys. Jake buys a bunch of Daffodils. He smiles.
439.
A florist. Jake is creating an enormous and extravagant bunch of
flowers.
Jake:A couple of those. Yeah yeah and one of those. And, would
that look nice? Yeah yeah one of those please. And that big yellow
one. Excellent.
440.
Hilary:Its nothing to do with me, but you cant please everybody
all the time.
563.
Tall man:I love you.Short woman:But you are too tall.
564.
Tall man:I love you.Short woman:I have already told you, you are
too tall.Tall man:I have thought of a solution!Short woman:What is
your solution?Tall man:I have hand crafted you a box to stand on
when I am near. I got the idea from the yellow pages advert.Short
woman:I think thats a terrible idea.Tall man:So you still wont love
me?Short woman:No Im sorry, you are too tall.Tall man:Although I
will always love you, Im beginning to think that you are a very
closed minded lady.Short woman:I am not closed minded!Tall man:I
beg to differ.Short woman:What makes you think I am closed
minded?Tall man:You wont love me because I am so tall.Short
woman:You are a very tall person.Tall man:But does that make me
unlovable?Short woman:In my eyes, yes.
577.
A plea.
Facebook.
Annie Jenkins: I'm trying to accumulate 1000 short plays in ten
days. I've done 562 myself so far, the rest are other people's
donations. I need another 261 by sunday.... if anyone would like to
contribute a play i would be VERY GRATEFUL. Can be as short as a
couple of words, or few lines. Here is an example: Tall man: I love
you, Short woman: But you are too tall. Please send any
contributions to [email protected]. They're going in a BOOK (along
with your name, or not if you dont want...) thanks pals please
help
they can also obviously be longer and more meaningful than my
example
/less discriminative
RADIO PLAYS/ ANNIES PLAYSCOLLECTION 9
506.
Frankie and Hankies house. Hankie is merrily splashing about in
the bath. Frankie creeps into the bathroom armed with a stale
baguette. He throws it across the room and it hits Hankie on the
back of the head. Hankie stops splashing. Is he dead like the duck
in About a Boy? This is ambiguous. This play has an ambiguous
ending.
507.
This play is potentially a companion piece to play 506, however
this of course is determined by ones interpretation of 506s
ambiguous ending. 507 could be about another scenario entirely.
Another Frankie. Another Hankie. And another stale baguette.
Frankie: A poem for Hankie. By Frankie.
Oh woe. I miss you so.I played a horrid trick with breadAnd for
just one moment Hankie, I thought you were dead.But you werent, And
now youre goneand with you taken all our pokemon (cards).That was
mean,It was only bread,I didnt meanTo kill you dead.And I didnt
anyway so please come backwithout you my world is cracked.This is a
poem from Frankie to Hankie. I love you so,Without you,I just
gowoe,woe.
508.
Hankie:Say cracked again.
509.
Hankie rings on the doorbell to his and Frankies flat. Hankie
has grown a beard. Frankie opens the door. He looks forlorn.
Frankie:What a wonderful beard Hankie.Hankie:Frankie-Frankie:Yes
Hankie?Hankie:I am aware my beard is wonderful, however Im that is
not why I am here.Frankie:You are not here to discuss and show off
your wonderful beard?Hankie:No.Frankie:Take me
back.Hankie:Frankie-Frankie:Yes Hankie?Hankie:I will take you back
on one condition.Say cracked again.
510.
Hankie and Frankie are embracing.
Frankie and Hankie: CRACKED.
511.
Phillip:Im waiting.Charles:Im thinking.
512.
Mick: You dont need to say a lot to say a lot.Baz:Yeah but you
need to say something.
RADIO PLAYS/ ANNIES PLAYSCOLLECTION 10
530.
A group of people are sitting in a circle.
Pumba:Well we all know why were here. Damaged by our parents,
thats what it is damage. I think its important we are open about
things. Perhaps we should start by going round the circle and
saying our names. Im Pumba.As each of them introduce themselves
there should be a sense of mutual understanding/empathy apparent in
the
group.Dumbo:Dumbo.Nemo:Nemo.Bambi:Bambi.Ursuala:Ursula.Maleficent:Malificent.Scar:Scar.Zazu:Zazu.Caoptain
Hook:Captain Hook.Snow White:Snow
White.Tinkerbell:Tinkerbell.Grumpy:Grumpy.Pumba:Thank you Grumpy.
Thank you everyone. And welcome all of you Disneys a dick
anonymous. Ursula bursts into tears.
604.
Tilda is talking about a Japanese style bath.
Tilda:We have got the one called Oronsay. David made the
surround to build it in and filled it with insulation so the bath
stays hot for ages, but you can just buy panels to surround it.
Thats what my mum said!Jerome:"This bath can be ordered with a
Pegasus Whirlpool System" Did you get one?Tilda:No. No whirlpool
system on ours. Which is a shame.
641.
The pub.
Maria:Is that a pint of wine?Mariah:Yes.Maria:I want
one.Mariah:Then you shall have one.Mariah clicks her fingers and a
pint of wine appears on the table in front of them.I presumed you
wanted red.Maria:How did you do that??Mariah:I used my magical
powers.Maria:Did you pay for it?Mariah:No.Maria:What else can you
do with your magical powers?Mariah:Nothing. My powers are limited
to making pints of wine appear as if from nowhere.Cheers.They
cheers with their wine.
676.
Josh:Everyone gives Annie their stuff. On the last night shes
going to leave 1000 plays and take everybodys stuff.
677.
Im really like, handsy when I like talk to people. Im
illustrative.
678.
You should write these things instead of saying them out
loud.
678.
Whats wrong with Leyton?No schools. There are no secondary
schools in Leyton.
679.
Im getting more cookies. Do you want a cookie?No I dont really
like biscuits.
680.
You havent got any blue tack by any chance have you mate?
RADIO PLAYS/ ANNIES PLAYSCOLLECTION 11
681.
The plates were so heavy because you could have full fucking
partridges and shit on there.Partridge.Genuine babe.Spatchcocked
Partridge will change your fucking life.
682.
He showed me the lanes downstairs. MassiveYeahSo Well I think Im
in love.With the house or the man?
683.
I would rather go to Cornwall with my friends than to a party in
the Rose Lipman building.
684.
I arrived one day with my shed on my shoulder.
685.
I used to deal in characters. Not the case anymore.
686.
I love this desk.Nice init?Have you had your hair cut again?
687.
Did you get the shoes?
688.
Your generosity knows no boundsI know Thats the thing youll
learn about me
689.
Apparently Harold is used a lot.Harold is a big name.A BNOC.
690.
Its very dark in here.Had you noticed?
691.
Its about twins.Thats very Shakespearean.Is it?
692.
Youre not a professional real person.Nics hair is pretty
professional.
693.
Basically I figured back if I can do 7000 words between now and
December then I can pay myself back for my writing course plus five
hundred quid!
694.
You need to make a new one. Because that one smells
fermented.What is that?Blood.
695.
Oh my god Dalston Junction is a hell hole.
696.
Too many beautiful people in this worldlol lotta uggos out there
tooRADIO PLAYS/ ANNIES PLAYSCOLLECTION 12
697.
He has to go to Cheltenham.Its a long-standing commitment.
698.
Omg. Perky Sakky and Perky Jacky.Its a match made in heaven.
699.
You will be told where to go what to doIs that a new bagNew
schoolbagIts prettyIs it asos?New look.
700.
An elderly lady with shingles in her eyes.
701.
Im all about my art.My craft.