Almost everything i need to know about love I learned from Rumi

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There is no one definition

We know it when we see it, feel it, hear it, experience it.

It is a divine attribute, an energy a force that surrounds us, jus like gravity.

It is free and the more you give the more you get.

I WILL ONLY FEEL WHOLE AND COMPLETE WITH HER/HIM

LOVE CONQUERS ALL

There is only one true love or soul mate for you.

Love occurs when it’s “love at first sight.”

You will be completely fulfilled in every way. Powerful sexual chemistry equals love.

IF WE REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER NOTHING CAN BREAK US APART

LOVE COMES AND STAYS AUTOMATICALLY, WE DON’T HAVE TO WORK AT IT.

MY LOVE WILL FILL MY VOIDS, MY NEEDS AND MY INSECURITIES

Highly passionate, sexual, & intense

Often Believe in: Love as Magical

Love as fate

Love at first sight

Very “American”

Movie: Titanic / Romeo and Juliet / Ghosts / Sweet Home Alabama / Natural Born Killers / Princess Bride / Sleepless in Seattle / Snow White, Sleeping Beauty & Cinderella Hollywood loves eros love!

The “Players” love Will often: Keep their passions in check

Avoid trouble and intensity

Feel uncomfortable about commitment

Keep secrets

Have affairs

Remember, we all have a little ludus in us

When a relationship gets too intense (or is no longer fun), they leave

Movie: Great Expectations / St. Elmo’s Fire / Cruel Intentions / Dangerous Liaisons Hollywood’s Formula: Ludus plays with

Eros--Eros is crushed

Peaceful and slow

Not passionate and intense

Friendship is key

Difficult to separate from friendships

This love . . .

Develops over time

Endures long periods of inactivity or

excitement

Lacks the heat of eros and the games of

ludus

Movie: Harry Met Sally / The Wedding

Singer / My Best Friends Wedding /

Shrek / You’ve Got Mail / Beauty and

the Beast / 2 Weeks Notice / How To

Lose A Guy / Tootsie

Practical

Looking for “types”

Parents, $, race, nationality, family, etc.

Love is logical & More stable

Not magical, but rational

Movie: Pretty Woman / Bridges of MC / As Good As It Gets / Shakespeare in Love / Big Fat Greek Wedding / Grease / Maid in Manhattan / Notting Hill Hollywood Formula: Woman settles for

pragma love--but is unhappy

Extreme highs and lows

Jealousy

Obsessive

Self-worth comes from the

relationship

Nothing else matters

Movie: Fatal Attraction /

Something About Mary / American

Beauty / The Crush / Memento /

Taxi Driver / Swim Fan

Hollywood Formula: slashing

tires, stalking, going into exile,

drinking, etc..

This love is . . .

Compassionate

Selfless

Egoless

No concern for personal

reward or gain

Want the best for the other

person

Movie: Forrest Gump /

Man Love a Women / John

Q / Casablanca /

Thought Frequency As Pie Charts

Men

thrashing

Aging Having

to pee

Things we shouldn’t

have eaten

Food

Pets

Sex

The

relationship Women

Sports

The

relationship

Sex

Men

Going

bald

Aging

Strange ear

& nose hair

growth Career

Consummate

Commitment

Liking

Passion

Romantic

Intimacy

Companionate

Fatuous

Infatuate Empty

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

(Intimacy & Passion)

(Intimacy & Commitment)

(Passion & Commitment)

Intimac

y

Passion

Commitment

Non-Love x x x

Liking x x

Infatuated x x

Empty x x

Romantic x

Companionate

x

Fatuous x

Consummate

Sternberg’s 8 Components of Love

Attraction

Communication/

consolidation

Buildup

Ending

Deterioration

and decline

Relationship

continues

Triggering

factors:

Proximity,

Similarity, Erotic

love etc…

Social-exchange and

equity: Communication,

Self-disclosure, Communal

concern, External

supports

Social-exchange and

equity/inequity: Relative

attractiveness of

alternatives, Barriers to

dissolution

Important

variables

influencing

attraction

Emotion

Low:

Relationship

in stable

state

High: Heady

feeling of

romantic

love

High: Upset of

deterioration and

trauma of

disruption

The life cycle

of a

relationship

Factors that increase attraction

Proximity – people you know or see often

Similarity – background, values, attitudes

Physical Attraction – “matching hypothesis”

Personality – openness, sociability, humor

Economic Resources – especially in men

Mutual Attraction and Love

Ideal qualities are consistent across gender,

culture, and sexual orientation

Study comparing 37 cultures (Buss, 1989)

Men valued “good looks” in their partner

Women valued “good financial prospect” in their

partner

Men preferred younger partners

Women preferred older partners

Self-disclosure is important

Those who value intimacy tend to be more

trusting, concerned for others, disclose more,

have more positive thoughts about others, are

perceived as more likable, smile, laugh, make

more eye contact, and enjoy marriage more

1. Physical Style (appearance, personal fitness, and hygiene)

2. Emotional Style (attitude toward romance, affectionate, supportive, faithful)

3. Intellectual Style (educational background, enjoys learning, attitude toward world affairs, creativity)

4. Social Style (personality traits, interaction with others, sense of humor)

5. Sexual Style (enjoys sex, likes to cuddle, easily aroused with no hang-ups)

6. Communication Style (verbally articulate, good listener, attitude toward communication, expresses thoughts and feelings)

7. Spiritual Style (believes in God or higher power, has moral views, open to the mystical and different philosophies of life, compassionate toward less fortunate)

8. Personal Growth Style (attitude toward self-improvement, wants to learn about self and change for the better, sees own shortcomings, attends seminars)

9. Financial Style (relationship with money, attitude toward success, hard worker, ambitious career, honest and ethical, financially responsible)

10. Interests and Hobbies (enjoys music, dance, movies, travel, or whatever you are interested in).