AFRICA The Law vs. The Gospel in Our Home & Family ...grace4life.com/SONSHIP_for_Africa_FILES/S-14_A4.pdf · Then, “law” supplants the gospel in our home and we are left with

““Wedding Day DreamsWedding Day Dreams

The Law vs. The Gospel in OurHome & Family Relationships

Marriage & Parenting by Grace

S-14AFRICA

hehe phrase “Christian home” phrase “Christian home” is very popular these days.is very popular these days. But, whatBut, what is is a Christian a Christian home—home—a house of wattle, wood or stone in which a few Christians happen to live—or something more? All believers have the same Holy Spiritliving in them, and when he comes to make his home in our hearts, he brings along a set of “Jesus-like”principles of relating to other people. So theoretically, when there are a number of believers living underone roof, that place should be more like heaven than anywhere else on earth.

We laugh nervously at that because we know the truth—that all too often, “Christian homes” areplaces where people (who should know better) live under the constant tension of strained relationships. Ofcourse none of our homes are like that. In such families, Jesus is like a policeman locked away in a closet. Hemay be let out on occasion to referee minor squabbles, but he has not been enthroned as the Reigning Kingof the domain. Well, we have some good news—literally. The Gospel can transform our troubled homes.

I. TO CHANGE THINGS IN YOUR HOME: THINK I. TO CHANGE THINGS IN YOUR HOME: THINK STRAIGHT—THINKSTRAIGHT—THINK GOSPEL GOSPEL !! A. It may sound odd at first,A. It may sound odd at first, but the chief cause of poor relationships in our homes is that we Christians “forget the Gospel”. For that reason, this lesson is designed to:

1. diagnose some of the ways1. diagnose some of the ways (overt and subtle) that our unbelief quenches the Holy Spirit to neutralize the transforming power of the Gospel in our families, and…

2. teach us how to correct the problems.2. teach us how to correct the problems. Thankfully, though our sin is very complicated, grace is simple.

We wear ourselves outWe wear ourselves out trying to battle the visible fruits of our unbelief in ourselves, our spouses and our children. We are able to make temporary changes in our outward behavior, but if left un- treated, the root simply sprouts again, and we’re back where we started. The good news is that we have a friend in the Holy Spirit. He is ready to expose the core of our sin problem and lead us to repentance. In our home, we have found when each of us is willing to say, “I am the problem,” (either by initiating the problem or sinfully reacting to it), we are humbled before one another, hard hearts melt, forgiveness is asked for and granted, love grows, and our home becomes more like heaven than. . . that other place. Does that mean that we can have perfect homes?Does that mean that we can have perfect homes? No, but “walking the Gospel” makes atremendous difference! So, how do we “walk” the Gospel? Do you remember the two simple steps of the “Gospel walk”? (ref. S8-3,7-10)

LEFT FOOT: I am a big sinner.LEFT FOOT: I am a big sinner. “I admit it. I am guilty. Ow! Look, there it is. I can see the log in my own eye.”

RIGHT FOOT: Jesus is a bigger Savior! RIGHT FOOT: Jesus is a bigger Savior! “Jesus, here I am again. Help me! I yield to your righteousness. I am powerless. Clothe me! Be my beauty and my righteousness.”

Now, Now, that is not very complicated, but it is easily forgotten. And, when we forget it, we begin to think of ourselves as “non-sinners,” while other family members remain “big sinners.” In that state of mind, Jesus, our Great High Priest, our Advocate with the Father, our only beauty and righteousness, disappears in the fog of our unbelief. When Jesus slips out of the picture, we become con-fused about how we are to get and maintain righteousness and we lose the ability to relate to other sinners. Then...

S14-1

The LAW vs. The GOSPEL

Traditional Wattle House - Ghana T

in Our Home & Family RelationshipsIs yours an Old Testament Law—or a New Testament Gospel Family?

S-14 AFRICA

Then, “law” supplants the gospel in our homeThen, “law” supplants the gospel in our home and we are left with only one way to change ourselves or others—by making and enforcing rules. We live in Exodus 20 instead of Acts 2. Rather than relying on the Holy Spirit, we try to use guilt, duty and raw willpower to make people change. (We ignore Rom. 7:6; 8:13.) Worse, our self-reliance quenches and grieves the Holy Spirit so that things get worse—not better. In this “brave new world” where law is king, we act as if our rules, our teach- ing, and our enforcement of God’s laws will reform the terribly imperfect people we are forced to live with. We want them to shape up so that they’ll be acceptable to us and to Him—in that order.

B. CHANGING THE IMPERFECT PEOPLE IN OUR LIVESB. CHANGING THE IMPERFECT PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES It is easy to see what is wrong with our family members and friends. And guess what? When you see their sin, you are merely agreeing with God who sees it too! In fact, you are his ally in changing them! His attitude is…

1. THE PROBLEM1. THE PROBLEM Knowing that God wants to change our family and friends, we try to take over God’s job of doing the changing. We step out of the minor role God has assigned us as their encouragers and examples, and appoint ourselves as God’s agents of sanctification—often supposing that we are the “means” of it as well. (These are the roles of the Holy Spirit and the Gos pel.) However, there are three questions we must ask ourselves if we want to become partners with God in the spiritual growth of others:

a. a. Into WHAT Into WHAT do I hope to change them? do I hope to change them? In other words, if I do succeed in changing everybody in my family, what will my “finished product” look like? What am I aiming for?

b. b. HOW HOW do I think these changes will take place? do I think these changes will take place? That is, what will be the mechanism I will use to change all of these imperfect people? (And how does that compare to God’s methodology—the Gospel?)

c. What role does . What role does MYMY being changed have in motivating others to change? being changed have in motivating others to change?Am I the sort of finished product on display that my family can look atand say, “That is what I want to become?” Could it be that God wantsto change me first, and then use my example to change them?

It is our misunderstanding It is our misunderstanding of the biblical answers to these questions that gives rise to so much pain and conflict in our most intimate relationships—especially in our families.

2. THE SOLUTION: “Believing the gospel” in our homes will transform them.2. THE SOLUTION: “Believing the gospel” in our homes will transform them. Just how “believing the gospel” transforms our homes is the subject of the next part of

the lesson. As you let the Holy Spirit overhaul your life—including your style of relating to others, you will become a very effective change-agent in the lives of others. Are you interested? The price will be high—you must allow the Holy Spirit to probe your heart.

The first thing you need to understandThe first thing you need to understand to effectively disciple others, including the members of your family, is the difference between law and Gospel—and the different types of reaction each one promotes—dutiful/legalistic compliance versus loving/heart obedience. Mere outward obedience is not the “gold” that God wants to produce in our lives. And, like God, we earthly fathers and mothers want our children’s love—not a begrudging, dutiful service born of fear and urged on by threats. Our goal is changed hearts.

A PRINCIPLE:A PRINCIPLE: ““MpokoMpoko iyaiya kuku nzovunzovu ikaleikale yatwa.yatwa.”” (The knife which comes to the elephant should be sharp.) — a Kanonde Proverb of the Bakaonde in Zambia. Meaning?

The GOAL shapes the METHODOLOGY. If we want to “skin an elephant,” i.e. see hearts changed, we must have a tool that can change people from the inside-out! What can change a heart?

S14-2

“I love you just the way you are, but . . . I love you too much to leave you the way you are.” (So far, so good.)

t

C. OUR THESIS: ONLY THE GOSPEL CAN CHANGE A HEART!C. OUR THESIS: ONLY THE GOSPEL CAN CHANGE A HEART! The New Testament is clear onthe role of “law” in the life of the believer: God did not design the law to change man’s heart. Rather, it is a “tutor” (Gal. 3:24) to cause him to despair of himself and drive him to Jesus who can change him as he “walks in the Spirit” by faith. Our flesh resists this Gospel solution, so, we fall back into trying to change others by making rules and enforcing them by punishments. But hearts are not changed.

The The llaw only changes aw only changes outwardoutward behavior! behavior! It does this in two ways: positive and negative. First: the First: the llaw motivates us positivelyaw motivates us positively by promising rewards. This works, and it is not all bad, but we must be careful. “Positive reinforcement” can become a form of bribery that encourages self-centeredness and demandingness. (“Yes, I’ll obey—but only if there’s something in it for me.”) Second: the Second: the llaw motivates negatively,aw motivates negatively, by creating a climate of fear and threats of punishment, exclusion, loss of privilege, etc. Law can exert such a strong influence on a person that he will striveto meet its demands and refrain from what it prohibits—unless he can sin and escape the consequences.

But, we aim much too low when we depend on the law to change people!But, we aim much too low when we depend on the law to change people! Our target, we must remember, is not the “visible pool,” but the “underground spring” that feeds the pool. The Pharisees were superlative “law keepers,” but Jesus condemned them because they cleansed “the outside of the cup” but left the inside filthy. Their “obedience” was self-centered, not God-centered.

The Hard Question: Good behavior has occurredThe Hard Question: Good behavior has occurred but but what was the motivation? what was the motivation? WAS IT...WAS IT...

1. 1. a desire to merit personal glory or acceptance?a desire to merit personal glory or acceptance? The Sermon on the Mount condemns this. See: Matt. 6:1ff; Matt. 23:5ff – “Everything they do is done for men to see.”, etc.

2. 2. or, a desire to escape punishment?or, a desire to escape punishment? This is just a form of self-love, an ill-motivated,false obedience that is warned against in the New Testament. Paul called it the “worldly sorrow” that leads to death. (2 Cor. 7:9,10)

3. 3. or, was it love for God, others, and the glory of Godor, was it love for God, others, and the glory of God—the heart and soul ofthe law? Paul tells us that we are to “do all for the glory of God.” (I Cor. 10:31)

Dr. Dr. WayneWayne Mack Mack of the Christian Counseling & Educational Fellowship (CCEF) in Philadelphia, PA in the USA , gives this example:

Little Johnny had disobeyed,Little Johnny had disobeyed, and his mother wanted him to sit down in a chair for aparental lecture. “Young man, you sit down!” she commanded. He kept standing. “SIT DOWN!” she insisted. Still he stood. “Johnny If you don’t sit down this instant, I am going to hit you with a stick.” she threatened. Johnny sat down, and, glaring at his mother said, “I may be sitting down on the outside, but I’m standing up on the inside!”

Did Johnny obey?Did Johnny obey? Was sitting down all his mother really wanted? Do you see it? External obedience is necessary, but it doesn’t go far enough. God wants our loving obedience, not just external conformity to his rules. Review:Review: “The Three Levels of the Law” on page S4-3.

Our aim as spouses and parentsOur aim as spouses and parents should be to create an atmosphere in which everyone inthe home is conscious of the fact that they stand before God and one another only on the basis of grace, since everyone is imperfect and constantly dependent on the forgiving love of God.

The The OromoOromo in Ethiopia and in Ethiopia and EritreaEritrea have a proverb: have a proverb: “Namummaan“Namummaan kessakessa — — mataanmataan rifeensa.”rifeensa.” The real person is inside — the head is only hair [what you see].

II. LAW VS. GOSPEL-BASED RELATIONSHIPS COMPARED & CONTRASTEDII. LAW VS. GOSPEL-BASED RELATIONSHIPS COMPARED & CONTRASTEDWhat follows is two sets of comparisons.What follows is two sets of comparisons.

THE FIRSTTHE FIRST is general. We compare “Law-oriented” and “Grace-oriented” styles of relating to one another. This is an excellent check-list for evaluating the health of any relationship. THE SECONDTHE SECOND specifically targets home and family relationships by comparing “Law-based” and “Grace-based” homes.

S14-3

LAW-BASED vs. GOSPEL-BASED RELATIONSHIPSCOMPARED & CONTRASTED

RELATIONSHIPS BASED ON LAWRELATIONSHIPS BASED ON LAW l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l

How legalism How legalism (“moralism”)(“moralism”) shows itself in our relationships—at school, shows itself in our relationships—at school,in in the office, in the nthe office, in the neighborhood, at eighborhood, at hhome—ome—aanywhernywhere...e...

1. 1. My primary focus is on “enforcing the rules”My primary focus is on “enforcing the rules” with others.

2. 2. I am sure that nagging and scoldingI am sure that nagging and scolding will change the other person—so I do a lot of it.

3. 3. I demandI demand that my friend/spouse/child/parent/roommate/unbelieving neighbor live up to my standards. I get critical and judgmental when they don’t perform according to my expectations.

4. 4. I correct othersI correct others as if I was not a sinner and as if I did not share the same root sins.

5. 5. I lack confidence I lack confidence in the promises of God. I often feel worried and fearful. “It’s all up to me.”

6. 6. I believe that I believe that I am justified by faith, but sanctified by my works. I try to keep God happy with me and assure his daily blessing on me and my family by what I do for him. I try hard to make my Christian life work, but when it doesn’t, I get frustrated, angry, and depressed and may blame others.

7. 7. I don’t understandI don’t understand the radical nature of grace—so I have little or no grace to give to others.

8. 8. My personal relationships are characterized byMy personal relationships are characterized by excuse-making, blame-shifting, defensiveness, and complaining. When things go wrong, I am rarely, if ever, to blame.

9. 9. I expect my I expect my spouse/child/roommate/friend/parent spouse/child/roommate/friend/parent to do for me what only Jesus can do.

10. 10. I tend to focus on problems and I tend to focus on problems and make make rules rules to to change change people people on the outsideon the outside rather than on discipling them into a personal relationship with Jesus that will change them from the inside-out.

�

S14-4

t

RELATIONSHIPSRELATIONSHIPS BASEDBASED ON GRACE ON GRACE l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l

How the How the Gospel of GraceGospel of Grace Shows Itsel Shows Itself in our Relationshipsf in our Relationships

I am being “gentled” by the Gospel. The Good News that I am being “gentled” by the Gospel. The Good News that God is always gentleGod is always gentlewith me (the sinner) leads me to be gentle with with me (the sinner) leads me to be gentle with other sinners.other sinners.

1. Grace 1. Grace enablesenables me: me: I am forgiven and God keeps forgiving me—and I am learning a lifestyle of forgiveness.

2. Grace teaches me2. Grace teaches me that I am not condemned by God, therefore I do not condemn others.

33. When I must correct others,. When I must correct others, I go to them repenting myself, sharingin their weakness as a sinner who needs Jesus’ cleansing blood and renewing grace as much as they do.

4. 4. When I am corrected, I am able to listen and repent. (“Clothed in Christ,” I don’t have to be perfect.)

5. When I’m right, I do not need to be defensive. My Father will fight my battles for me.

66. Grace enables me. Grace enables me to accept others as they are. (“Love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Pet. 4:8)

77. I am able to. I am able to honor, praise, and appreciate others.

88. Grace enables me. Grace enables me to treat my closest relationships with courtesy.

99. As I daily respond to God reaching out to me in the Gospel,. As I daily respond to God reaching out to me in the Gospel, my heart is warmed toward my friends, my spouse or roommates, my children and others so that I reach out to them with grace and love.

10. I believe that God will change 10. I believe that God will change meme by taking the beam out of my eye, and that he will changeother people (unbelieving friends, fellow Christians or my mate) as I pray and let them see God at work changing me.

DOES OUR SUGGESTION SEEM DOES OUR SUGGESTION SEEM SIMPLISTIC—thatSIMPLISTIC—that when YOU are changed by the Gospel it has when YOU are changed by the Gospel it has a powerful effect on the people around you? Try it!a powerful effect on the people around you? Try it! In social relationships, everyone tends tohide their sin, be defensive, and pretend they are perfect. Just one humble Christian thrown into that mixcan begin to transform the whole thing. Just one person challenging the “I AM PERFECT” lie, admittingtheir sinfulness, and then pointing to THE MIGHTY CHRIST that loves, forgives, and clothes them in hisrighteousness, can have an astounding effect.

FACT: People will be drawn to Christ whenFACT: People will be drawn to Christ when they “see him” — through you! they “see him” — through you! (Ezek.(Ezek. 36:23) 36:23)NOW WE MOVENOW WE MOVE specifically into the area of home and family relationships. specifically into the area of home and family relationships. This is theplace where the Gospel needs to work the most powerfully because in the home, we rub up against thesame sinners day after day after day—without any way of escape.

SONSHIP for Africa by John Wade Long, Jr. v Copyright ©1996 - 2002 World Harvest Mission

S14-5

t

LAW vs. GRACE-BASED FAMILY LIFECOMPARED & CONTRASTED

LAW-BASED FAMILY RELATIONSHIPSLAW-BASED FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS l l l l l l l

How Family Members Relate when the LAW is KingHow Family Members Relate when the LAW is King

1. I think that my rules,1. I think that my rules, my wise parenting and my training will produce godly children.

2. I am inconsistent.2. I am inconsistent. (At times I demand perfection; at other times I overlook disobedience.)

3. I correct my family3. I correct my family as if I am a perfect person. (This destroys your relationships since everyone—except you—knows very well that you are an IMperfect person. They see your sins all the time.)

4.4. II “nag” “nag” rather than discipline thoughtfully. rather than discipline thoughtfully. I think that my words can change people’s hearts.

5. The 5. The outwardoutward behavior of my children is very important. behavior of my children is very important. I deal almost exclusively with surface problems. I am satisfied if they obey enough to “look good” to outsiders.

6. There are many rules in my home. 6. There are many rules in my home. I find myself creating a new set of rules for each newsituation. (But, I fear that I may only be enforcing laws instead of molding my child’s conscience to obey out of love for God, myself and others.)

7. I feel sad or depressed when I think I’ve failed7. I feel sad or depressed when I think I’ve failed—and proud when I think I’ve succeeded.

8. I deal with problems out of guilt.8. I deal with problems out of guilt. (In fact, sometimes I’m “dripping with guilt.”)

9. I make quick judgments9. I make quick judgments before listening to my family to get all the facts.

10. If my children suffer,10. If my children suffer, it must prove that I have done something wrong. Therefore I must try to protect my children from suffering—something even my Heavenly Father doesn’t do with me.

11. I wonder if I am 11. I wonder if I am “using my children”“using my children” to make me look like a good parent and Christian.

12. I fear that my children12. I fear that my children may be beginning to despise me and all of my rules.

�

S14-6

t

SONSHIP for Africa by John Wade Long, Jr. - Copyright ©1996–2002 World Harvest Mission

A WORKSHOP IN “PARENTING BY GRACE”A WORKSHOP IN “PARENTING BY GRACE”

THE GRACE-BASED FAMILYTHE GRACE-BASED FAMILY l l l l l l l l

How We Relate When CHRIST is KingHow We Relate When CHRIST is King

1. I have faith in God’s promises1. I have faith in God’s promises to feed and clothe my family.

FAITH IN THE PROMISES OF MATTHEW 6:24-34 (look up and read)FAITH IN THE PROMISES OF MATTHEW 6:24-34 (look up and read)

THINK IT OVER: THINK IT OVER: When we are struggling financially to meet our basic needs offood, clothing, shelter and school fees, how can we as parents show our children invery practical ways how a “childlike faith” in our Heavenly Father feels, talks and acts?

YOUR NOTES:YOUR NOTES:

2. I have faith in God’s promise2. I have faith in God’s promise to save my children as the gospel is lived before themand presented to them.

WHAT WHAT TWO TWO PRINCIPLEPRINCIPLESS IN I PETER 3:1 IN I PETER 3:1-4-4 APP APPLYLY HERE HERE? (Hint: life example, true beauty)? (Hint: life example, true beauty)

There is an OT parallel in this proverb: There is an OT parallel in this proverb: “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion.” — Prov. 11:22 (Wouldn’t this saying be equally true of men?)

Eph.Eph. 6:4 - 6:4 - Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruc-tion of the Lord. (“exasperate” is parorgivzw - para + orgizo - to stir up to wrath.) Col. 3:20, 21 - Children,obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, orthey will become discouraged. (The NIV “do not embitter” is the KJV “do not provoke” from ejreqivzw- to be “DIS-heartened” is from ajqumevw - to be without ardor).

THINK IT OVER:THINK IT OVER: Where does parental authority come from? From mere biology? From our physicalsize or greater age and experience? We can use these things to gain authority, but they are poor substi-tutes for the beauty of a “childlike faith” that shines from a heart that is humble and submissive to Christ.The “authority” of biology, size and age will pass away, but the testimony of a life lived “in Christ” isthe unfading legacy we really want to leave our children.

YOUR NOTES: YOUR NOTES:

3. I am free to accept the child the way he 3. I am free to accept the child the way he is—is—and trust the Holy Spirit to bring the deepand lasting changes that are needed.

WHAT PRINCIPLE IN WHAT PRINCIPLE IN PHILIPPIANSPHILIPPIANS 2:3-11 APPLIES HERE? (Notice how Paul speaks to them 2:3-11 APPLIES HERE? (Notice how Paul speaks to themgently, holding up Jesus’ life to them, and trusts that the Holy Spirit will apply his words.)gently, holding up Jesus’ life to them, and trusts that the Holy Spirit will apply his words.)

THINK IT OVER:THINK IT OVER: “Accepting my child the way he is” does not mean that you don’t want to see changes inhim or her, but an admission that you cannot change a heart. And, your child must never feel: “Father andmother don’t like me because I am not like so and so.” They need to feel the same loving acceptance fromyou that your Heavenly Father gives you—an inprefect child. Otherwise, their “obedience” will be that of aslave, not a son or daughter. Yes, they will fear you, but they will not love you with a happy heart.

FACT: FACT: Our attitudes toward God and our perception of his attitudes toward us are beingOur attitudes toward God and our perception of his attitudes toward us are beingmirrored in our style of parenting.mirrored in our style of parenting.


S14-7

4. 4. I am confident that I am confident that grace enables megrace enables me to teach my children. I understand that suffering anddiscipline are “means of grace” that God can use to bring them to Himself.

WHAT WHAT PARENTING PARENTING PRINCIPLE PRINCIPLE DO YOU FIND DO YOU FIND IN IN ROMANS 5:3-5?ROMANS 5:3-5?

“And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation works patience; And patience, experience, and experience, hope: And hope does not lead to shame, because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit which is given unto us.”

APPLICATION:APPLICATION: Don’t put stumbling blocks in your child’s way, but neither should you run ahead of themto remove every stumbling stone. If you protect them from all danger and the possibility of mistakes, you“short-circuit” one of God’s sanctifying mechanisms. This actually cripples your children by robbing themof opportunities to struggle with difficult choices, learn responsibility, and grow from their mistakes.


5. I remember that 5. I remember that although although loving disciplineloving discipline is important and necessary, it cannot takeaway sins. It is, however, a primary way that God can use to reach my child’s conscience.

READ READ EPHESIANSEPHESIANS 6:4 AND EVALUATE YOUR PARENTING: 6:4 AND EVALUATE YOUR PARENTING: Paul draws a contrast “exasperating”our children with “bringing them up” in the training and instruction of the Lord. (The Greek verb for“bring them up” is ejktrevfwejktrevfw — literally, “to suckle,” that is, to nourish and nurture to maturity.)

Some parentsSome parents nurture their children like tender plants in a garden. Others “let them grow up”—likeweeds in a neglected field. Which parenting style most accurately describes yours? How purposeful andthoughtful is your discipline with your children? Is it aimed at punishment (retribution), or training—reaching the conscience of the child so that deep and lasting change can take place?


6. I take my children in my arms6. I take my children in my arms and look into their eyes. I use my eyes and my words toshow them my love, praise, appreciation and approval. They feel loved, accepted and delighted in.

WHAT PARENTING PRINCIPLE DO YOU FIND IN WHAT PARENTING PRINCIPLE DO YOU FIND IN MMATTHEW 23:37, and MARK 10:13-16? ATTHEW 23:37, and MARK 10:13-16?

Matt.Matt. 23:37 - 23:37 - ‘‘O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, howoften I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings,but you were not willing.”

Mark 10:13-16 -Mark 10:13-16 - People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touchthem, but the disciples rebuked them. 14 When Jesus saw this, he was indignant.He said to them, ‘‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 15 I tell you the truth, anyonewho will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” 16 And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.

QUESTION:QUESTION: You can feel God’s tender love in these verses. What a worthymodel for our own parenting! God expresses his love to us in words, word-pictures, but better still, in actions. We aren’t left guessing about how he feels. What about us?How did our parents relate to us? And, do your children feel loved, accepted and“delighted in” by you—or do they feel like they are merely being endured?

After this lesson,After this lesson, a mother in Addis Ababa (a university professor) confessed withtears that she had acted like many Christian parents there—as if God had enacted a law against being kind toone’s own children. Harshness and impatience are the order of the day in many homes, she said. After theHoly Spirit convicted her, she asked God’s forgiveness and went straight to her teenage son, whom she hadbeen persecuting terribly. As she repented to him, a Gospel prophecy was fulfilled. (See: Malachi 4:6.)

S14-8

Do you give your children focused love and attention?Do you give your children focused love and attention? Do you look at them when you talk tothem, or “talk at” them when they are behind you?

Have you ever Have you ever looked into your child’s eyeslooked into your child’s eyes and told him or her that you love them? Chilren need that kind of love from you every day. It willfeed their tender souls and provide a foundation for Gospel faith by help- ing them believe that God loves them too. And remember, no matter how“mature” we are, we never outgrow the need to know that we are loved.

FACT: FATHERS!FACT: FATHERS! You have a precious gift that only you can give yourchildren. Your children are most certainly sinners—just look at who borethem. And, yes, they need parental discipline just as surely as we parentsneed God’s chastening at times (Heb. 12:6). BUT, in your discipline, if youshow patience, tenderness and love toward them, they will find it easy tobelieve that their Heavenly Father really loves and cares for them. God intends for your love to be an earthly picture of his, and without it, they may struggle to believe in God’sloves for them for the rest of their lives. (We the Long family know about this first-hand.)


7. I am free to ask forgiveness for myself7. I am free to ask forgiveness for myself—yes, especially from my children, and, since Iremember how much I am forgiven, I am eager to forgive others.

WHAT IS THE PARENTING PRINCIPLE in WHAT IS THE PARENTING PRINCIPLE in Eph.Eph. 4:29 – 5:2? 4:29 – 5:2?

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building othersup according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit ofGod, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger,brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another,forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

5:1,25:1,2 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

THINK IT OVER:THINK IT OVER: What sort of future impact will it have on your children’s attitude toward the Gospel(or an unbelieving spouse’s) if the Holy Spirit produces fruit like this in your life?


8. I always discipline/correct them 8. I always discipline/correct them as a fellow sinneras a fellow sinner,, and freely admit my own sins,struggles and weaknesses to them—so the Gospel is not an imaginary cure for imaginary sinners.

NOTE THE PAULINE PRINCIPLE OF SHARING FROM WEAKNESSES . . .NOTE THE PAULINE PRINCIPLE OF SHARING FROM WEAKNESSES . . .

2 2 Cor.Cor. 11:29,30 - 11:29,30 - “Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardlyburn?* If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.” [* There is disagreement as to whether Paul is referring to his own “burning”—i.e. admitting to lust—our view of the verse.]

Rom.Rom. 8:26 - 8:26 - And in the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how topray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words…

CONSIDER:CONSIDER: Our children (and spouses) know what sinners we really are. If we are defensive, try to defendand excuse ourselves in our homes, how will that reflect on the Gospel? It will discourage everyone. If theGOSPEL can’t change us, what can? We PARENTS need to learn how to use these simple words— often:“I was wrong. I sinned against God and you. I am sorry. I repent. Will you forgive me?” Some parentsargue that if we confess our sins to our children, they will “lose respect” for us. Are they correct? Whatis behind this idea? Do we want repentant children? Then we must model repentance in our homes.


S14-9

“Akoko“Akoko nannan tiatia ba,ba, nanaenkumenkum ba.”ba.”

“The motherhen steps on

her chicks, butdoes not kill them.”

An Akan proverb fromthe Adinkra tribe. – Ghana.

NOTE: The Adinkra tribe has awhole set of proverbs that are“told” simply by drawing the

appropriate symbol!

9. Because I know that neither God’s 9. Because I know that neither God’s llaw nor maw nor my rules y rules can produce true, loving obed-ience in my children, I repent, love, pray, and trust the Holy Spirit to work on their root problems as hebrings them to light.

CAN YOU FIND A SOUND PARENTING PRINCIPLE IN 2 CAN YOU FIND A SOUND PARENTING PRINCIPLE IN 2 Cor.Cor. 3:2-11? WHAT IS IT? 3:2-11? WHAT IS IT?

I know that I cannot change my family members by my harsh and repeated corrections.I know that I cannot change my family members by my harsh and repeated corrections. Quite the opposite is true! It will cause their sin to either break out into open rebellion or be driven deeplyunderground. Therefore, I parent humbly, lovingly—from my needy heart to their needy hearts.


QUESTIONS FOR SMALL-GROUP DISCUSSIONQUESTIONS FOR SMALL-GROUP DISCUSSION l l l l l l l l l l l

Instructions: Instructions: Each Group take one question,Each Group take one question, discuss it, discuss it, and report back to the and report back to the llarge arge ggrouproup..

1. IN OUR HOMES, how can we deal with thorny issues like:1. IN OUR HOMES, how can we deal with thorny issues like: dirty clothes that need to be pickedup, children’s rooms that look like pigs live in them, (or if you are single, your roommate’s side of the flat),and financial and other resources that must be wisely managed to avoid chaos or poverty—without resort-ing to nagging, an oppressive atmosphere of legalism, criticism, cruelty or guilt or manipulation? Is thiseven possible? How? Give some practical problems and possible solutions.

BAD EXAMPLE:BAD EXAMPLE: The Burdessons were our neighbors in Florida (USA). Everyday, the husband wouldthrow his dirty underwear on the floor, refusing to put them in the dirty clothes basket right there inthe room. What did his wife do? Why, she let a pile accumulate for several days, and then nailed themto the floor. Did he change? No. To spite his wife, h e went to a shop and bought all new underwear.


2. IS THERE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “BEATING” AND “SPANKING” A CHILD? IF SO, WHAT?2. IS THERE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “BEATING” AND “SPANKING” A CHILD? IF SO, WHAT?

How could a parent use physical punishment in a godly way? How could a parent use physical punishment in a godly way? Try to describe a godly, practicalway to use physical punishment.

BAD EXAMPLE: BAD EXAMPLE: The Burdessons used to “discipline” their two children by beating them (using excessiveforce). Scotty, their 5 year-old son would often threaten to “beat” our 2 year-old son John Wade. Their 3year-old daughter used to reach through the wire fence, grab our son’s hair, and hold him againstthe fence, laughing while he cried. We’re not child psychologists, but do you think that their early child-hood aggression was illustrating the truth of an old American proverb: “Monkey see, monkey do”?

Can your group create a mini-drama to illustrate this?


3. SUPPOSE YOUR CHILD CONSTANTLY DISTRACTS PEOPLE DURING THE WORSHIP SERVICE3. SUPPOSE YOUR CHILD CONSTANTLY DISTRACTS PEOPLE DURING THE WORSHIP SERVICEby by calling attention to himself or herself. calling attention to himself or herself. What could you do to reach the child’s conscience to correct this behavior—rather than being satisfied with merely forcing them to be still on the outside?

YOUR PERSONAL EXAMPLE: YOUR PERSONAL EXAMPLE: Have you ever tried to draw attention to yourself? Have you ever “stolenglory” from God by taking the credit for work that only his Holy Spirit can do? I have. You probablyhave too. So? That’s the same root sin. Repent of that to your child as you call them to repent with you! Now, two Big Sinners need a Big Christ—you and your child.


S14-10

W

t

by John Wade Long, Jr. - © WHM - 1996–2002

Five Levels of Communication a Small-Group Workshop

Level One: The Surface, Casual Chatter, Current Events, Humor

Examples: “Have you had rain at your place? Yesterday we had over 2 cm..” “What are we having for dinner tonight?”“Will you turn up the radio? I can’t hear the news.”

Note: This is “no risk” communication with no possibility for disagreement.No opinions are offered and no emotions are expressed.

Level Two: Reporting Facts about Other People

Examples: “Mwangi broke his arm on Monday.”“My husband got a new job yesterday.”

Note: This is also “no risk”—nothing from the heart is offered.

Level Three: My Own Ideas and Judgments About Current Events

Examples: “I think Ocholla will win the parliamentary seat.”“I disagreed with the sermon today; it was full of bad theology.”“Rain was forecast for today, but I don’t think we’ll get one drop.”

Note: There is some risk at this level since your listener can always offer an opposing viewpoint. Example: “I thought the sermon was the best I’ve heard in months. Anyway, who are you to question the pastor’s theology?”

Level Four: My Feelings and Emotions

Examples: “I really like Joseph and Grace. They are nice people to be with.”“I love this kanga my husband bought me. Don’t you think it’s pretty?”“I really hate my job. Do you think I ought to make a change?”

Note: There is increased risk at this level. Your heart is exposed to the other person. Not only have you shared an idea (as in Level Three), but how you feel about something. You are vulnerable and could be wounded.

Level Five: The Deepest Heart, Full Communication—nothing hidden

Examples: “John, I have really been struggling with the discipline of my son. Can we have lunch this week. I need some advice and prayer.”

“Helen, I know it’s hard to cope with Steven’s death (husband). Whenmy Samuel died, it took me over a year to get back to normal. Whydon’t we get together this week?”

“Grace, my dearest. I love you. Will you marry me?”

Note: This is very “high risk” communication—total vulnerability. You are sharing your deepest thoughts and struggles. You are allowing people to know the “real you” and enabling them to open up to you as well.

S14-11

tt

à

COMMUNICATION: GOD’S LEVEL and OURS 1. Why do you think some people communicate no “deeper” than levels one and two?

a.

b.

2. At which level does your pastor communicate in his sermons? Your Sonship leader?

LEVEL _______ LEVEL _______

3. At what level does God the Father communicate with us? Hosea 11:1-11 – LEVEL _______.

Jesus? Jn. 12:27; 15:1-17 - esp. vs. 15 – LEVEL _______. Paul? Eph. 6:21 – LEVEL _______ .

4. At which level do you usually communicate with God ? LEVEL ______.

Think: Does the level of your intimacy with God need improving? (See: Hosea 14:1-8; Ps. 51)

Explain:

5. At which level do your family members usually communicate with you?

a. your spouse (if married, roommate if single)? LEVEL ______

b. your children? LEVEL ______

c. friends of the same sex? LEVEL ______

6. At which level would you like for your family members to communicate with you?

LEVEL ______ WHY?

7. At which level do you usually communicate...

a. ...with your husband or wife (if married, roommate if single)? LEVEL ______

b. ...with your children? LEVEL ______

c. ...with friends of the same sex? LEVEL ______

Think: Do you think that your family feels that they really “know your heart”?

YES NO (circle one, and explain)

Think: Does your level of communication affect how they feel about your love for them?

YES NO (circle one, and explain)

8. What could your family members (your parents, spouse and children) and friends do to make it easier for you to communicate on the deeper levels—four and five?

Your answer: a.

b.

S14-12

tt

©1996—2002 World Harvest Mission – SONSHIP for Africa – by Dr. John Wade Long, Jr.

n my generation it has been fashion-able to use the Bible as a whipping stick in

parental discipline—supposedly as a means ofsanctification:

“Go to your room and read this verse until youunderstand what you have done!”

Or worse, “Go to your room and memorize thisverse; David said, ‘Thy Word have I hid in myheart that I might not sin against Thee!’”

Naughty Nicholas Let’s pretend, shall we, that we are Nicholas' mother. Nicholas is nine, and he has taken aquarter (KSh.20/=) from our bedroom dressingtable— and lied about it until we pressed himfurther. His admission of guilt has come, but notremorse. He is embarrassed for getting caught,but not sorry. The choices before us are two:We can imitate Moses on Mount Sinai, delivering the Law (with the usual accompani-ment of parental thunder and lightening), or wecan imitate Jesus on Mount Calvary and givethe free offer of the Gospel to a sinner. Whatdo we mean? We could tell Nicholas that“stealing is wrong” (which it surely is); that hehas “broken the rule” (which he surely has);confine him to his room to “think about it”(which he surely should); have him readExodus 20 until he is “genuinely sorry” (whichhe surely should be); and, tell him to “pray forGod’s forgiveness” (which he surely needs). Or,we could take another tack. What that other tack is, we’ll not let on just yet. First things first:

Nicholas' Guilt Before God and ManEstablished

Let us not rationalize by saying, “But it wasonly a quarter!” Nicholas' heart is a childhoodversion of the Rich Young Ruler’s. The boy isthe in- famous “Billy the Kid” of the 1860sAmerican Wild West just waiting to happen.Let’s take his sin seriously. How has he sinned?Nicholas has broken not one, but severalcommandments directly, and, if you are guiltyof one point, you are guilty of all (James2:10). Which commandments has he broken—directly? V. Honor Your Father and YourMother; VIII. Thou Shalt Not Steal. IX. ThouShalt Not Lie (actually it says “don’t bear false

witness,” but we can technically hang him on thatone too). X. Thou Shalt Not Covet. In addition, byimplication, we can charge him with breaking twoothers: I. Thou Shalt Have No Other God’s BeforeMe (Nicholas loved money more than God.), and,II. Thou Shalt Not Make or Bow Down To AGraven Image. Clearly, our fictitious Nicholas is alaw-breaker; a rule violator.

But is that all Nicholas has done—breakrules? What about the law behind the law, thelaw that speaks to the sin beneath the sin?What about the Royal Law of love that judgeshis sin of self love? That, is Nicholas' realproblem, and unless we, as his parent, dealwith that, we may get him to comply with therule, but we will only have made a good Phari-see of him, nothing more. “Man looks on theoutward appearance, but God looks on theheart” (I Sam. 16:7). I believe that we wantmore for our children, our parishioners and ourpupils. Don’t you? “My son, give me yourheart” (Prov. 23:26). Let’s think about the twoways we might deal with Nicholas' sin: Lawand Gospel.

The Two Ways: Law and Gospel

1. The Law Since stealing “is wrong,” (itbreaks the rule), what is wrong with sendingNicholas to his room to read Exodus 20 “untilhe is truly sorry?” It’s not a wrong instruction,per se, but it is a terribly incomplete one. Wehaven’t touched Nicholas' heart. He is not sorry;embarrassed, but not sorry. He doesn’t see thathe is a sinner, only that he has committed a sin,i.e. that he has broken a rule. There's a bigdifference! Nicholas' problem, you see, is notthat he lacks sufficient information about theerror of his ways. Do you think that giving himmore law in bigger doses will change him?What if we threatened him with such awfulpunishment that he never stole from us again?Would Nicholas then be sanctified? What aboutNicholas as an adult? Suppose we gave him$10,000,000.00, and he never stole anythingfrom anybody ever again? Is he a sanctifiedman? We would have to hand it to him, he haskept the law. Would we be satisfied with thatobedience? (If we say “yes,” we’re in realtrouble.) How might a Pharisee approach

S14-13

“Naughty Nicholas”

A Case Study in the Confusion of Means — by John Wade Long, Jr.

I

Law vs. Gospel Parenting

Nicholas—or advise his parents? What wouldyour plan of action be? What does this obviouslyvery troubled young man really need?

What Nicholas needs is...

2. The Gospel Whether Nicholas is con-verted or unconverted, he still needs three thingsall young sinners need. What things?

First, Nicholas needs the Law—all of it. He needs to see his sin. If the law is to be ef-fective in leading him to Christ in repentance(which Christians who steal need too), he mustsee that he is using you, his parent, and lovinghimself more than you. In other words, he hasdone a worse thing than merely breaking therule about stealing. The reason that stealing is asin, is that it is a refusal to love. You make yourneighbor your victim. You use him ratherthan love him. Jesus, James and Paul allsaid that the whole law is summed up inthe commandment to love (cf. Romans13:8-10 for Paul’s version). Nicholasneeds to see that he is a “lover of self,”and not a lover of God. He loves himselfmore than you, his parent. That is why heuses you and dishonors God by stealingfrom you. Thus, God is not glorified byNicholas' life.

Second, Nicholas needs theGospel.

Nicholas needs to know that he cannot keep thelaw, and that the law cannot therefore give him aright relationship with God. And more, he needsto know that even if he stops stealing, it doesn’tmean that he is either saved or sanctified. Nicholasneeds to see the Cross of Christ which is the placeof refuge and cleansing for sinners, the place ofatonement, the only basis of man’s justification.And, he needs to know that faith in the blood ofJesus will not only cleanse him from his sin, butthat an ongoing faith in Jesus will give him thepower of the Holy Spirit to stop stealing—and startloving God and others in the future. The Gospeloffers Nicholas real for giveness for his sin, andreal power over his sin.

Third, Nicholas needs real Christianparenting Notice that we didn’t say “aChristian parent.” He already has that. We said,

“Christian Parenting”—which you will never give him by using the law as law or the Bible aspunishment. Nicholas needs a parent whounderstands the difference between law andGospel, and their relative power to sanctify. Thelaw is spiritual, show him that. This is the HolySpirit’s pathway to the conscience, and your realgoal for Nicholas is not that he be a strict keeperof rules, but that he be a tender-hearted lover ofGod, of his parents, and others.

The parent who assumes that mere externalmeans can change Nicholas—apart from a living,vital, conscious, heart-to-heart, saving andsanctifying relationship with Jesus, is wrong.Nicholas needs a parent who will say,

“Nicholas, honey, come here. Sit down in my lap. I can remember that when I was ten years old, I took money from my father’s

trouser pocket.”

You see, we parents are sinners too. If we haven’t stolen quarters from ourparents or siblings or classmates, wehave stolen something—or have beentempted to. We all have “Nicholashearts!” So, let’s confess that to ourchildren. We are sinners, so let’s “besinners” with our children. Let’s beparents who gladly admit that we needJesus just as desperately as our childrenneed him.

Having joined Nicholas as asinner (instead of a self-righteous

accuser), we can tell him what is most wrongabout his stealing. The biggest problem is not thathe has broken a rule, but that he hasn’t trusted hisheavenly Father to provide his needs, and that instealing from us, he has loved himself more thanhe has loved us. When you lovingly (not angrily)tell him that you don’t feel that he loves you, hemay bring forth the tears of repentance that barecommand- ments cannot produce. Tell him that youlove him, and that God loves him, and that youwant him to feel free to ask you for a quarter, andtrust your love to give him what he needs. Showhim that as the Holy Spirit gives us love forothers, that we will have the desire to give to them!

“He who has been stealing must steal no longer,but must work, doing something useful with hisown hands, that he may have something to sharewith those in need.” – Ephesians 4:28

S14-14

Then, and this is the most important part,we take Nicholas to Jesus in prayer together. Werepent of our sins, maybe not the same surface sinsas his, but our root sin of self-love which we sharewith him. If Nicholas is not yet remorseful, “praythe Gospel” in his hearing. Let him hear you prayfor his understanding of the great gift the Fatheroffers him, and how powerful the Cross of Christis to cleanse him from his sin. Look at Isaiah 53together, or read the narrative of the crucifixion inJohn 19, and tell Nicholas what Jesus meant whenhe cried out, “It is finished!” (vs. 30)—that yoursins and his sins (if he is converted) were nailed tothe cross so that we bear them no more. Explain tohim I John 1:9 and the role of confession forcleansing of the conscious and the renewing of ourrelationship with God and others. He needs to hearabout the free offer of the Father to forgive his sinas he receives the merits of Christ who died to paythe penalty for them. He needs to know that theHoly Spirit is ready to empower God’s adoptedones to walk in obedience to him by faith.

A final word to all

This is “Christian parenting,” and as you and Iparent this way, the strong likelihood is that ourchildren will grow up very much in love withsuch a Jesus; a Jesus who tenderizes their parents’hearts, and makes us into repentant andforgiving people as he forgives our sins.

You may ask: “But what if the Gospel “doesn’twork?” Oh... so the law does? “But what ifNicholas is never sorry, never asks forgiveness,and never returns the quarter, what then?”Forgive him, and keep giving him the Gospel inwise doses. You have nothing else, no othermeans. The Gospel is all you have, and it is allyou need. Use it, for yourself. Patiently teach itto your children, and leave the results to God.They don’t belong to you, they never did. Theyare not your possession; they are his. If theyrefuse his offer of grace, they will miss his loveand merit his wrath. But be sure that from you,they get more than the law. Be sure that they getthe Gospel—that they hear the Gospel in yourmouth, and they see the Gospel transformingyour life.

Be sure not to miss the principles ofGospel ministry in this story that can be appliedto any other social system (“family”) youhappen to be a member of—extended family,clan, congregation, denomination, or evenbusiness.

And a final word to highly skepticalprone-to-be-legalistic Evangelicals

Are we questioning the value of the Bible? Insaying that the Bible cannot change Nicholasapart from his faith, are we replaying the tiredlove affair that the American church had withexistentialism in the 1960s? (Africa too wasinfected via Western seminaries.) God forbid! We are neither hawking philosophicalexistentialism, nor some vapid Christianmysticism. When we speak of the ineffectualcharacter of external means of graces— theWord, the Sacraments and Prayer—apart fromfaith, we are proclaiming Biblical, NewCovenant Christianity—good, old-fashionedliving union with Jesus Christ. We arereasserting a much-needed emphasis that hasalmost been lost to our generation. WeEvangelicals are far too content with beingright. Yes, we are able guardians of the faith, and proud of our ability to defend it. Butorthodoxy and biblical holiness are not the same thing. (Ask Jesus about the Pharisees.)

God’s moral Law and the canonical Scripturesare objectively and absolutely true apart from ourfaith, but they have no efficacy to save us or make us holy without it. It is by “a true and livelyfaith” in the Redeemer that we are saved andsanctified. Obedience flows from the purewellspring of faith, because faith by its verynature taps into God the Father, Son and HolySpirit—the source of all life and godliness, and theLiving Author of the Law. That is what webelieve and what we preach.

– Dr. Johnny Long.

S14-15

AFRICA The Law vs. The Gospel in Our Home & Family ...grace4life.com/SONSHIP_for_Africa_FILES/S-14_A4.pdf · Then, “law” supplants the gospel in our home and we are left with

Documents