Jun 19, 2015
How To Find The Right
Person To Date
A step by step guide to finding the right partner
and detecting an abuser
Celia John
Copyright © 2014 by Celia John
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form
or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or
introduced into any information storage or retrieval system without the written permission of
the author.
Disclaimer
Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the information in
this book was correct at press time, the author and publisher do not assume and hereby
disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or
omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other
cause.
Also by Celia John
The System Sucks What Victims Of Domestic Violence Want You To Know
Get Out If You Can How To Escape An Abusive Relationship And Be Happy
How To Find The Right Person To Date Workbook
Love Poems
Poems
Poetry
www.overcomebooks.com
www.overcomedomesticviolence.com
Table of Contents
Preface
Introduction
Chapter 1: Domestic Violence and Abuse
Experiences of Abused Women
Types of Abuse
Abusive Relationships
Types of Abuse
Characteristics of an Abuser
Myths Concerning Domestic Abuse
How the Abuser Gains Control and Power
The Abusive Partner and Sex
The Abusive Partner and their Children
Consequences of Abuse on Personality Development
Chapter 2: The Role of Relationships
A Good Relationship
The Impact of a Positive Relationship
Family Dynamics
Theories of Domestic Abuser
Characteristics of a Good Partner
Chapter 3: Relationship Diagnosis
Examination of Feelings in the Relationship
Examination of Your Behaviour
Examination of Your Partner’s Behaviour
Examination of Your Relationship
Relationship Checklist
Self Examination
Chapter 4: What To Do If You Are In An Abusive Relationship
Change Your Behaviour
Express Your Anger
Decide What You Want in a Relationship
Make a Decision
Stay or Leave? The Choice is Yours
Barriers to Leaving
Plans for Leaving
After You Leave
Chapter 5: How to Avoid Getting into an Abusive Relationship
The Power of Knowledge
Abuser Checklist
Understanding the Legacy of the Past
Heal the Hurt Child Within
Self-Esteem
How to Develop High Self-Esteem
Avoiding Abuse
Chapter 6: Recovery from Abuse
Healing from Abuse
Feelings about Relationships
Impact of Abuse on Children
The Healing Power of Tears
Improve Your Child’s Self-Esteem
Getting Support
Starting a New Relationship
More Books from Celia John
Resources
Bibliography
Preface
Let's face it. There are people out there who have the potential to turn out to be an abuser.
What's my definition of an abuser? It is someone who intentionally harms you. It could be
physically, emotionally or verbally. My ex-husband was an abuser. He was abusive, rotten,
unkind and a psycho. He stalked me and was just plain obsessed with me. He could not
accept that our marriage was over and even when we separated he could not let go. I wrote
this book for all the women and men out there who do not want to get involved with an
abuser. So for those of you who do not want to end up with an abusive partner you need to
read this book.
I wrote this book for everyone out there who wants a good partner to love and be with. If you
want to know how to find a good relationship and escape dating an abuser read this book.
You will gain the knowledge you need to escape the pain and hurt of being with someone
who does not love you and only wants to hurt you. All of us want to be loved and respected.
Everyone deserves to have love and have a good partner. The goal of this book is to give
everyone the knowledge they need to have a positive relationship and avoid abuse.
Characteristics of a Good Partner
Earlier we discussed the qualities of a positive relationship and now I would like to discuss
the qualities of a good partner. First of all, a good partner will accept you for who you are.
They will not try to change you into what they want you to be. So the first quality of a good
partner is acceptance of your true self.
A good partner will love you, care for you and appreciate you. This love and caring that they
have for you will come out in their actions. They will care about how you feel and about your
life. They will be interested in you. They will not want to hurt your feelings or take pleasure
from doing so. They will be genuinely concerned if you have a problem or something that is
worrying you and will actively try to make you feel better because they care about how you
feel. They will try to make you happy. They will try to find out what makes you happy and
do it. They will ask about your wants and needs and try to fulfil them. They will not take any
pleasure in making you sad or unhappy. Everything they do is for your pleasure and
relaxation. Their purpose is to please you and make you happy.
A partner who is positive will be able to argue with you without being abusive. It is normal
for arguments to occur in a relationship. However, a good partner will be able to disagree
with you and not be offended if you do not share their opinion. They will respect the fact that
you have your own opinion and are a separate person from them. A good partner is not going
to try to control how you think or try to manipulate how you think in any way, shape or form.
During arguments they will look for a peaceful solution and will not criticize you or be
abusive towards you because you had an opinion that differed from theirs.
When you are in a relationship with a good partner they will speak to you using positive
language. They will not criticize you or make you feel worthless. They will always speak to
you with respect and kindness because they care about how you feel. A good partner's
purpose in your life is not to tear you down. It is to build you up to become a better person. A
good partner will enhance your life and make it better than it ever was. They will compliment
you, say positive things to you and build up your self-esteem not tear it down. They will take
pleasure in encouraging you to fulfil your goals and dreams.
Your significant other should be secure in who they are and confident in themselves. There is
no room for insecurity and jealousy from a good partner. A good partner is mature. They
have reached a high level of self-development and know what they want out of life. They
know their purposes and goals in life. They are not aimless or dependent on other people for
their survival. They are independent and do not feel threatened or intimidated by their
partner's strength of character or confidence. Because a good partner feels good about
themselves there is no need for them to criticize their partner or be threatened by their
partner's success.
A good partner will be considerate of your needs and wants. It will be important to them to
know how to please you. They will not be deliberately inconsiderate of your needs. Your
needs and wants will be at the forefront of their minds. They are not controlling, obsessive or
jealous. A good partner will not have any problems with you having friends of the opposite
sex and will encourage you to have a social life of your own.
A good spouse will trust you and therefore will not forbid you to have friends of the opposite
sex. They will trust that you will be faithful to them and their behaviour will reflect this. A
good partner will not suffer from the Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome. They will display only one
personality. They will not have mood shifts from cruelty to kindness in the same moment.
Their personality will be consistent with who they presented themselves to be on the first
date. Their personality will be stable.
A good partner will not try to dominate or control their partner. Both people in the
relationship will be equals and will discuss their problems and try to solve them together.
There will be a lack of monitoring over their partner's behaviour because they accept that
their spouse has the right to their own life and that they have the ability to control their own
behaviour because they are adults. Also, a good partner is authentic. They are not pretending
to be someone they are not in order to be with you. They will be real and genuine. They will
be open about their life, their family, friends and activities.
There will be no desire to seek to isolate their partner from other people. A good partner will
involve their partner in their activities and pursuits. They will introduce their partner to their
friends and family. They will enjoy being with their partner but will also accept that their
partner will have other activities and pursuits apart from them and this will not be a problem
or issue in the relationship.
A partner who is genuine will take responsibility for what they do and how they behave.
They will never blame the other person for their behaviour. If they behave inappropriately
they will be able to recognize this and will hold themselves accountable for their actions. If
they have done something to hurt their partner they will be genuinely remorseful and
apologize and will seek to make it up to their partner for whatever they did to hurt them. This
is not to be confused with the cycle of abuse. In a positive relationship there will be times
when each partner may have done something to offend the other one. However, they will be
genuinely sorry and will try not to repeat the offending behaviour because they do not want to
hurt their partner.
There will not be any threatening behaviour or threats if you are involved with a good person.
A good partner will not try to manipulate your behaviour by using physical intimidation or
even the threat of violence. They will also not attempt to hit you. They will not issue verbal
threats which can be seen as emotional blackmail such as “if you don't do what I say I will
leave you.” There will respect and consideration your feelings.
During sex a good partner will be open to meeting their partner's needs and will try to
pleasure them during sex. They will never abuse their partner during sex by forcing them to
do something against their will. They will always seek consent from their partner for sex and
if they want to try something new they will discuss it with their partner before doing it. They
will not try to coerce their partner into doing something that they do not enjoy or find
degrading because they will respect that each partner has their free will and right to consent
to sex and not to be forced into doing anything that they do not want to do. A good partner
will make love to you. They will show you through love making how much they love you and
after having sex you should feel loved, valued and appreciated.
If you liked this sample chapter of How To Find The Right Person To Date it is available to
buy at http://www.overcomebooks.com/ebook-healthy-relationships/
The following books by Celia John are also available at www.overcomebooks.com and
Amazon.
More Books From Celia John
How To Find The Right Person To Date Workbook
This book has worksheets with various activities and exercises to help you assess your
relationship in order for you to decide whether your relationship is beneficial to you or not. It
also has various questionnaires to help you explore how your family environment and
previous relationships have influenced your choice of partners. You will also be able to
develop your own criteria in order to find a fulfilling relationship.
Get Out If You Can How To Escape An Abusive Relationship And Be Happy
This book is a summary of the concepts that have been discussed in the book How To Find
The Right Person To Date. It is a short guide to help you identify the characteristics of an
abusive partner so that you will have the knowledge you need in order to leave an abusive
relationship.
The System Sucks What Victims Of Domestic Violence Want You To Know
This book explores the experiences that victims of domestic violence have had with social
workers. If you would like to know how victims of domestic abuse feel about social workers
read this book.
Poems
This is a selection of poems about life, womanhood, nature, love and relationships.
Poetry
This is a selection of spiritual poetry about how we can use faith to overcome our problems.
Love Poems
This is a selection of poems about the beauty of love from the first kiss to burning passion.