A South African Dictionary

(OK, I tried designing a cover)

A South African Dictionary

FROM ANNANIAS MATHE TO ZUMA

by

Siyabonga Nyezi

(insert those inspirational dedications real authors put here)

Preface

This booklet is the result of a combination between boredom and

unemployment; and was written under the influence of a worrying

amount of alcohol. That is probably the worst ever opening line of a

book; but I felt it was necessary to make that very clear, so that if you

continue reading, you know what you are getting yourself into.

You have probably never heard of me in mainstream writing circles,

because I write material that is targeted at a very exclusive niche.

Okay, I am lying; you have never heard of me because I have not

written a single book. But this is not the point. It does, however,

explain why I have decided to publish this booklet independently. I do

not think many publishing houses would want to risk publishing the

pilot work of a rookie writer with a mouth as loud as mine. What I do

know is that many people can relate to the things I write about.

This book (this word is used very loosely) is in the form of a

dictionary. It explores our country (pronounced “cowntree”), its people

and culture from A to Z. Most of what is here is the kind of stuff you

would hear in bar conversations.

I hope for two things; firstly, that this is an enjoyable read (otherwise

I’ll have to stick to my day job, which I don’t have). Secondly, I hope

no one shows this to my mother. If she reads some of the things here,

she will terrorise me with a wet cloth. Yes, I am in my early twenties;

but that will not stop her.

If I have written things about you that you do not like, I am sorry (I

think). Just don’t sue me, I have no money. In fact, at the time of

writing, I had a net worth of R17.63, which I can’t even withdraw from

my account. Anyway, back to the point; I trust that you will enjoy this.

A

Annanias Mathe– convict, multiple prison escapist,

all-round legend

If you have never watched the movie Shawshank Redemption (kill

yourself), then this will not ring a bell. Andy Dufresne spent two

decades in prison, digging a tunnel through the wall; and he used it to

escape. Multiple-convict, Annanias Mathe probably watched that

movie at some point and decided to add some South African flavour to

it. So he went for a less tedious route and used, of all things,

VASELINE. Yes, the Blue Seal petroleum jelly we all know; he used to

that to slide through prison bars. Okay, SAPS is obviously lying but

still…

Over the years, Mathe has escaped from prison on various occasions,

each time in spectacular fashion; the kind of way I would one day like

to escape from relationships when butch girls from my village start

getting abusive.

Correctional Services should actually just hire the man as a consultant,

to help prevent escapes.

For his work, Annanias Mathe is a South African legend (albeit for the

wrong reasons), who deserves a mention. He takes the letter A with

some close competition from Amaberete, who I won’t dare mention

because I have seen the beatings they administer on those who cross

them.

B

Bompi– master interpreter, superstar

The year 2013 was closely contested by those who wanted to take the

trophy for the top gaffe of the year. With our president seemingly

headed for a clear victory, up stepped one man to wrestle it from him.

They say cometh the man, cometh the hour.

Bompi (full name Thamsanqa Bompi Jantjie) came to the nation’s

rescue at a time when the nation was grieving and in need of a sign

language interpreter at the memorial service of former statesman,

Nelson Mandela. Those of us who don’t know Sign Language took no

notice of his skill. It turns out that while Barrack Obama was giving a

great eulogy, Bompi was translating powerful statements like

“Mandela not only freed the prisoner, he freed the jailer” to more

interesting variations such as “rocking prawns” and ‘Ke December

boss”, as reported by some.

To stand next to the leader of the free world and essentially just throw

gang signs is an achievement no man can ever claim. To do it for five

whole hours is an outstanding act of brilliance all South Africans

should applaud. For that reason, Bompi won the year 2013

comfortably.

C

Cele – former police commissioner, cowboy,

occasional philosopher

Bheke Cele is a politician and former police commissioner who got the

axe after accusations of financial mismanagement. His short tenure as

police commissioner brought about major policy changes such as

“stomach in chest-out”. He is also the first person to ever have the guts

to make it clear to a Nobel laureate (Desmond Tutu) that he is not a

“Deputy Jesus Christ”

D

Dalindyebo – monarch

King Buyelekhaya Dalindyebo is the King of the AbaThembu clan. His

royal highness (accidental pun) has gained national fame because of a

number of unprintable statements made to the media. The proud user

of marijuana ranks highly among the winners of life, for being the only

person to ever accuse a sitting president of “flushing people like

condoms”.

E

I had to resist the temptation to write about the E.F.F, which seems the

obvious choice for the letter E. There are compelling reasons for

deciding not to. For instance, there are rumours (I may or may have not

started these) that the name E.F.F was chosen because those were the

party leader’s Matric symbols. For that reason, I refused to be dragged

into writing about the E.F.F.

"Ezi weyi" - Xhosa slang phrase; refers to girls with questionable

behaviour (also see: Sugar Daddies)

South African women are so beautiful, and we love them so much for

that. However, these beauties sometimes have questionable actions.

These actions hurt us. The phrase "Ezi weyi" is used to refer to those

who engage in such acts. To put everything into context, consider the

following example. I have a friend who decided to change his ways

because he fell in love with this one girl. He loved and did everything

for her. She cheated on him with some local house DJ. It hit my friend

so hard; he doesn't listen to deep house anymore. Women who do that

are called "ezi weyi" (the moral acceptability of which is not my

business).

There was the obvious temptation to not include my own experiences

with "ezi weyi" so that I spare myself the embarrassment. So, I will

keep it to a minimum. I have been left by a girl because another guy

bought her three shots of vodka, proving another famous township

saying: "Don't trust ezi weyi"

F

Firepool –

(No one actually knows what this is)

G

Guarana- alcoholic beverage

Smirnoff Guarana is a vodka-based beverage, introduced in the

country in 2013. While it was well received by drinkers

nationwide, it has been hailed by many as the driving force

behind many very drunken nights, and also unexpected changes in

plans to remain celibate. One philosopher from Mthatha accused

girls who drink it of being the ones who steal viennas in the fridge

when you invite them for a braai.

H

Hofmeyer - singer (apparently)

"We are not used to getting raped by Blacks and people of other races".

Let that statement sink in. Done? Those are the philosophical words of

Afrikaans pop "singer" Steve Hofmeyer, made in October 2013.

Following an immensely glorious career (so I hear), where he gave us

hits like Pampoen, Steve Hofmeyer has become very vocal in the

political arena. He has even gone as far as suggesting that there is

genocide against Afrikaner Whites in South Africa, and that they are

suffering economic oppression. While both claims are ridiculous and

not worthy of a response, it would be an injustice to not respond to the

latter with at least a LOL. Steve is a South African icon, for more

comical reasons these days. Let us hope he goes back to making

“music” soon.

I

IFP – political party

The Inkatha Fredom Party (IFP) is one of the oldest political parties in

the country. Led by Mangosuthu Buthelezi (who is more famous for

memes these days), the IFP has a strong following in the Kwa-Zulu

Natal province and no one is sure what exactly they do outside KZN.

J

Jackie Selebi - terminally ill man (apparently)

Jackie Selebi is a former South African police commissioner who was

jailed for fraud then released because he was near-death sick. He was

then spotted looking very alive on a shopping spree, and it wasn't

medication he was shopping for.

Similar figures include Schabir Shaik, who is also "terminally ill".

K

Kompela - football coach, analyst

Kompela (full name Steve Kompela) is a former Bafana Bafana player

and football coach. He is also a football analyst who once said "Stats

are like (a) bikini, they don't show everything" on national television.

Writing anything beyond this would ruin this entry, because that is

surely the greatest quote ever by a South African.

L

Long-drop - "toilet"

The long-drop toilet is well known in South Africa, more especially in

the rural areas. It symbolises the work that still has to be done in order

to ensure that all South Africans have access to decent amenities.

Having grown up using long-drops myself, I know the feeling of

relieving yourself while worrying that, at any moment; the entire

structure might just give you a free ride into the hole. Like many others

who have long-drops at home, I also know that newspapers aren't just

used for reading.

M

Mandela - former president, Nobel laureate

Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela was a politician and former president of

South Africa. Following years of anti-Apartheid activism and

imprisonment, Mandela became the first president of a democratic

South Africa.

His one term as President was dedicated to non-racialism,

reconciliation and the rebuilding of South Africa. The rights he fought

for are the reason why today I am able to make people all over the

country read the nonsense that I write when intoxicated (I hope people

are actually still reading).

By the time of his passing, Mandela was a world icon, whose influence

touched all who knew him. His memorial service (see: Bompi) and

funeral were televised to millions all over the world.

N

Nkandla- luxury resort in KZN, president’s house

Worth over R200 million, Nkandla is the homestead of our very own

president. Located in rural Kwa-Zulu Natal and largely funded by the

taxpayer, Nkandla is a national treasure, which boasts security features

like a firepool (NOT a swimming pool), a tuck-shop and a chicken run.

Other recent upgrades include measures to ensure that people can

“wear high heels when visiting”, according to ministerial reports.

Like any other man who owns a home, Zuma had no idea there were

upgrades being done at his house in Nkandla.

O

Orania- separatist town

Orania is a separatist Whites-only (yes, in this day and age) town,

located in the Northern Cape. Orania was apparently established to

preserve Afrikaner heritage. Despite being an Afrikaner stronghold,

Black people who come to do manual labour are welcome, but have to

leave in the evenings (“You can’t sleep with us”).

There have been reports that the leaders seek to make Orania an

independent state within South Africa, like a Lesotho for Afrikaners.

Interesting bunch.

P

Pop Bottles- party

Pop Bottles is a quarterly event, usually hosted in Johannesburg,

Durban and Cape Town. As the name suggests, patrons get there and

pop bottles, whether it’s champagne or whiskey bottles.

It is a great event, characterized by the spending of student loans, rent

money etc. People who like to make phone calls using tablets are quite

the regulars at this event. Nonetheless, it is always a great party.

Q

Qunu- Eastern Cape village

Qunu is a rural village located in the Eastern Cape, south of Mthatha. It

is the home and resting place of former state president, Nelson

Mandela.

In 2013, Qunu was at the centre of a legal battle, following claims that

the remains of Mandela’s children had been illegally exhumed and

reburied elsewhere by Mandela’s grandson, Mandla.

R

Razzmatazz – politician, cabinet minister (No, seriously)

Razzmatazz (real name Fikile Mbalula) is a South African politician. A

former ANC Youth League president, Mbalula is now a cabinet

minister and earned himself the nickname Razzmatazz due to his

eccentric personality and presence on the social scene.

Like many South African politicians, his career has not been without

controversies; some of which include leadership battles and even

towning allegations.

S

Sugar Daddies- (very) old men who like young girls. Usually drive

Volvos

Writing about sugar daddies is always a risky and uncomfortable

exercise. Why? Because my dad could be one of them and I wouldn't

even know (which would be awkward for everyone).

Sugar daddies are old men who love young girls (usually in Matric and

first year). Sugar daddies are a prominent feature of the South African

social scene, for a number of reasons. The obvious one is their

willingness to spend obscene amounts of money on girls. We, young

men resent them for a number of reasons. They take our girls in clubs.

You can't exactly compete with someone whose table has three bottles

of champagne while you try pace your sips so that your beer can last

you an hour. And the fact that they sometimes spend their kids' Back to

School money on girls doesn't do much to repair their image.

That brings me to the real reason I wrote about them: to appeal to all

South African young women to reject our fathers in clubs...we are

suffering in res while you enjoy our allowances.

T

Towning - the act of having unprotected sex.

This word, popularised all over South Africa by Khaya Dlanga's In My

Arrogant Opinion, has been a part of Eastern Cape township slang for

years. It is said to have its origins in the East London township,

Mdantsane; where taxi conductors would shout “Town straight!” to

indicate that the taxi wouldn’t take longer alternative routes. Others in

Mthatha say it originates from rural people who went to town so rarely

that they described the great feeling (I wouldn’t know) of having

unprotected sex to that of going to town when you are not used to

going there. Whatever the origins, towning is definitely a major part of

South African culture, with our politicians indulging quite often.

U

Ukutyela- sleeping with someone’s wife/girl (Xhosa slang)

Ukutyela is the philanthropic act of assisting your fellow man by

taking time off your busy schedule and assisting with the “duties” he

has towards his girlfriend (see Towning, above). Despite being

unpopular to the men who are on the receiving end, it is actually quite

a generous act that is in the spirit of Ubuntu.

Many prominent South Africans have engaged in ukutyela, and many

have been on the receiving end (ukutyelwa). Due to fear of lawsuits,

examples will not be made.

V

Vavi- trade unionist (also see: Towning)

Zwelinzima Vavi is a politician and trade unionist who, prior to his

suspension led the Congress of South African Trade Unions

(COSATU). Vavi is well-respected in political circles, and is also quite

recognised in towning circles, after a “brief” (he actually used that

word to describe it) steamy encounter with a subordinate landed him in

hot water.

W

Winnie Madikizela-Mandela- politician

Winnie Madikizela-Mandela is a politician and former wife of Nelson

Mandela. Often referred to as the “Mother of the nation”, Madikizela-

Mandela is one of the women that were at the forefront of the struggle

against Apartheid.

Her influence and political prowess inspires many, locally and abroad.

X

Xhosa women-

A famous philosopher once said: “Xhosa women are hot, but so is the

water they will pour on you if they catch you cheating” (I’m lying; it

was me who said that). These words typify the feistiness of women

from the Xhosa tribe, whom I believe are the feistiest in the country.

Having been raised by Xhosa women in my community, I know the

love that they have. They are very strong-willed, something we love

and sometimes hate them for.

I cannot speak extensively about women from other tribes, but I have

dated enough Xhosa women (scary time in my life) to be able to offer

commentary on them. Their feistiness forces us to be good men; so

they are worth a mention.

Y

Yengen’- (new slang) an old man who frequents parties

A Yengen’ is an old man who is frequently seen at parties, despite

being on the wrong side of 50.

Note: not to be confused with the surname of a famous former

politician.

Z

Zuma- politician, state president

Jacob Gedleyihlekisa (what a name!) Zuma is an ANC politician and

president of South Africa. Msholozi, as he is affectionately known by

those who look past his towning mistakes, is an influential figure, and

also the first man to ever own a firepool in the country.

When he is not reminding South Africans how lucky they are not to

live in Malawi, he handles presidential duties and the affairs of the

Jacob Zuma Foundation.