A Short Happy Life

8/8/2019 A Short Happy Life

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A SHORT, HAPPY LIFE

by

Craig Mazin

Story by

Craig Mazin & Greg Erb

Based on the short story

"The Short Happy Life of The Brown Oxford"

by

Philip K. Dick

June 25, 2001


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FADE IN:

EXT. SUNRISE - IVY LEAGUE UNIVERSITY - MORNING

BONG....the massive bell of Nassau Tower begins to toll.

EXT. CAMPUS VIEWS - CONTINUOUS

CRANE across the view of campus. Students on bikes speedpast squirrels and birds, who take flight.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Once upon a time, there lived a manwho was happy. Not happy the waymost people are--that is to say,"not as sad as they could be..."

INT. PHYSICS HALL - CONTINUOUS

An enormous LECTURE HALL. On the blackboard, "ANGULARMOMENTUM."

NARRATOR (V.O.)...no, this man was truly happy.No matter what life sent his way,he somehow made peace with it.

PROFESSOR HARRY TIMMSDALE, 65, big white beard, bright blueeyes...almost a Santa Claus in tweed, is at the front of theroom in a suit, working a winch that slowly raises a LARGESTEEL BALL up to...

CARLO, 40, standing on a ladder at the far side of the hall,TWENTY FEET OFF THE GROUND. Rumpled and somewhat out ofplace, he seems to be enjoying this...

NARRATOR (V.O.)(cont'd)In fact, Carlo's favorite sayingwas, "If you want to make Godlaugh, tell him your plans."

We now see the experiment. The massive steel ball isconnected by a chain to the roof of the hall. It's anENORMOUS PENDULUM. And when the support line that is raising

it into position is released, the pendulum will SWING FREE.

NARRATOR (V.O.)(cont'd)You see, while the rest of us railagainst our lot in life, Carlotrusted fate.

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The huge sphere is RIGHT AT CARLO's NOSE. The professor hitsa switch, the support line FLIES FREE, and the huge ballbegins to SWING AWAY....

The students hold their breath as it swings with INCREDIBLE

MOMENTUM all the way to the other side...hovers in theair...then begins its return...

CARLO'S POV of the massive sphere RUSHING TOWARDS him withthe force of a WRECKING BALL...

The kids can't look...it's going to knock Carlo's head off!!!

And just as it's about to strike...the wonderful laws ofphysics take hold...it cannot rise further than its point oforigin...

The ball comes to a stop ONE MILLIMETER away from Carlo's

face. He never flinches...but rather, in the moment ithovers there...

Gives the ball an impish little KISS.

The kids APPLAUD!

NARRATOR (V.O.)(cont'd)And fate, it seemed, was kind inreturn.

EXT. FLORENCE - DAY

NARRATOR (V.O.)It was fate, after all, thatbrought Giulietta to him.

Carlo walks over to his BICYCLE, which he's chained up at ametered public bike rack. He unlocks the bike, but the frontwheel is STUCK in the rack.

He pulls, SHIMMIES, yanks...nothing...JUMPS on it, KICKSit...

The meter FLIPS to RED. Time's up.

Just like that, the meter maid is there with a TICKET.Angry, Carlo is about to give this woman a piece of his mindwhen...he sees her face. She sees his.

EXT. ITALIAN COUNTRYSIDE - NIGHT

A SHOOTING STAR flies by....the moon BIG BEHIND THEM...

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Carlo has presented her with a DIAMOND RING. She loves it.

They KISS. Giulietta is gorgeous, strong, taller than Carlo,a man's strength wrapped in a woman's beauty.

EXT. CAMPUS - BACK TO CONTINUOUS

An explosion of FEATHERS as Carlo BICYCLES through a clusterof PIGEONS...

NARRATOR (V.O.)And Giulietta brought him toAmerica. Carlo didn't mind. Heliked his new job running thephysics lab for ProfessorTimmsdale, and even though hisEnglish wasn't very good, it seemedeveryone understood him.

Carlo, always wobbly on his bike, RIDES a bit too close tosome passing students.

STUDENTAsshole!

CARLO(smiles, waves)

Thank you!

EXT. SMALL SUBURBAN STREET - DUSK

HIGH ANGLE on Carlo biking down the street. The street lampsflicker on, ONE by ONE as he passes...

NARRATOR (V.O.)But it was Giulietta who reallyloved America. She learnedEnglish. She studied to become acitizen.

Carlo arrives at THEIR HOUSE. There's a big American flagoutside.

NARRATOR (V.O.)(cont'd)She observed Flag Day.

There isn't another flag to be seen on the entire STREET.

INT. SEWING ROOM - DAY

Giulietta is hard at work over her sewing machine.Dressmaker's dummies, patterns, etc. fill the room.

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Yet she's completely dressed for a night out.

NARRATOR (V.O.)But what she really loved was theone thing only America could give

her.

Carlo ENTERS. She RUSHES over and hugs him. Begins DRAGGINGhim right back outside. She's been ready to go for a while.

EXT. BIG HUGE AMERICAN MALL - EVENING

Giulietta and Carlo stand before it like pilgrims to Mecca.

INT. MALL - EVENING

Giulietta SKIPS HAPPILY along.

Carlo STRUGGLES BEHIND, loaded down with BAGS.

FAST CUTS as she buys scarves, dishes, perfume, books...

NARRATOR (V.O.)Giulietta never spent more than shemade, but certainly never less.

Giulietta DRAGS Carlo to see...

The people taking DANCING LESSONS in the central court. Shelooks hopefully at him. He BACKS AWAY...oh no...

EXT. MALL - EVENING

Giulietta EXITS through the revolving door. Carlo attemptsto do this with the bags, insistent that he can fit them allin with him. He gets them all in, but has no room to take astep. He has to do a strange SHUFFLY MOTION back and forthto SLOWLY SLOWLY SLOWLY free himself.

He finally does, and LEAPS OUT! Leaving the bags behind.They spin around to the other side. Now how is he going toget them? He gets in across them, and begins chasing them,like a dog after its own tail.

INT. CARLO'S HOME - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Giulietta is UNPACKING her brand new purchase. A gorgeousset of those NESTING little Russian BABUSHKA dolls.

The camera SWIRLS around her to see that the small home ispretty CROWDED with...well...STUFF.

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NARRATOR (V.O.)But Giulietta wasn't driven bygreed. She loved every thing shefound...and each thing had itsplace and meaning.

Carlo WAITS for her in the kitchen, watching through the dooras she SETS the clocks, DUSTS the figurines, winds up thelittle toys, straightens the frames, FOLDS the clothes, etc.

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Carlo SMILES as he watches her, so in love. He leans back,and sees her personal touches all over the kitchen.

CARLOAnd Carlo loved the way she alwaysseemed to be near him, even when

she wasn't there.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. KITCHEN - AFTER DINNER

The plates are empty. The wine is finished. The candleshave burned low.

Carlo struggles to eat one more of Giulietta's deliciousravioli. She SMILES at him, so happy that she's found a manwho appreciates what she does with everything he's got.

He WIPES his mouth, RISES, gestures..."come this way"...

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

He crosses to Giulietta's ALBUM COLLECTION and puts a recordon an old PHONOGRAPH she must have found at a flea market.

MUSIC: "Caro Nome," Verdi's RIGOLETTO.

He takes her hand. She takes his.

They begin to DANCE. He's TERRIBLE, but all that means is

that they end up LAUGHING on their little dance floor.

NARRATOR (V.O.)It was then they decided to have ababy. To complete their happylives by making a new one.

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EXT. CAMPUS - WINTER - DAY

Snow on the ground.

INT. TIMMSDALE'S LAB - CONTINUOUS

This junky physics wonderland looks more like an undergroundgadget warehouse than a prestigious scientific researchfacility.

Carlo is busy TURNING OFF equipment, stacking glasswareneatly, disconnecting wires, covering various devices...getting ready for the big VACATION.

He SHIMMIES up makeshift ladders and uses his homemade systemof HOOKED POLES and PULLEYS to move the tall storage stacks.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

It was Christmastime, and Carlo wasrushing to get home. Giulietta hadwoken up sick, which, as anyhopeful parents can tell you, wasjust fantastic. All they werewaiting for was the doctor to callwith the results.

At his desk, Timmsdale works on a COMPLICATED EQUATION,flipping through various opened reference books.

Carlo WAVES "goodbye." Timmsdale doesn't notice. He tapsthe old prof on the shoulder. Nothing.

Carlo gingerly slides a CHRISTMAS CARD underneath the oldman's sleeve. Still, he doesn't look up.

Sadly, Carlo turns and WALKS AWAY.

CLOSE ON Timmsdale's FINGERS. They leave the book and creeptowards a small switch. PRESSES IT.

Just as Carlo is about to exit...snap! WHOOSH!

A huge SACK made of old cables and chicken wire DROPS DOWN

from the ceiling, right in front of the door, FULL OFPRESENTS.

Carlo TURNS, beaming. Old Timmsdale still doesn't look up,but he's got a wonderful SMILE on his face...

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EXT. SNOWY CAMPUS - EVENING

Carlo rides home on his bike, the SACK of gifts strapped tothe back basket. He sings carols very poorly...

CARLOTis the seasons for my jolly,lalalalalalal

He hits a patch of ice, and almost takes out some students.

STUDENTAsshole!

CARLOThank you! Merry Christmas!

INT. CARLO'S HOME - EVENING

Carlo ENTERS with the SACK of gifts. The house has been doneup for Christmas.

Giulietta is in the kitchen, on the phone.

Carlo doesn't see her at first, and goes to the mantle.Pulls out a SURPRISE.

It's two FRAMED PHOTOS, one of him, SMILING in PROFILE, andone of her, SMILING BACK. He has little BOWS taped to both.

And a card. Hallmark. "TO MY DARLING..."

NARRATOR (V.O.)The doctor had called. It was notthe news they had been hoping for.

Carlo turns to the kitchen, sees Giulietta, and instantlyknows something has happened. His face drops.

NARRATOR (V.O.)(cont'd)It was not what they had hoped forat all.

EXT. WINDOW TO CARLO'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

In silhouette, Carlo holds Giulietta. We hear her coughingand coughing...

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INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Carlo brings her some toast. She looks TERRIBLE. But he'smade little men out of the toast, and he starts them into aPunch and Judy battle...they both GIGGLE...

NARRATOR (V.O.)To Carlo, it seemed sure he hadentered a dream, and he was just assure he would wake from it. So henever stopped smiling, and shenever stopped smiling back.

Carlo gives her the toast, then gets the juice pitcher hebrought up. When he turns from her, she lets herself FEELwhatever pain she has.

NARRATOR (V.O.)(cont'd)

But Giulietta knew it was not adream.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MONTHS LATER

BRIGHT SATIN RED...a Christmas ornament. We slowly pull backto see Carlo's reflection in the ornament, holding his headin his hands.

NARRATOR (V.O.)Christmas came and went. Buteverything had been left unchangedfrom that day. Everything exceptGiulietta.

REVERSE to see Carlo sitting on the floor, staring at thetree. He is wearing a dark SUIT. It seems ODD on him.

The DOORBELL RINGS. Carlo looks out the window and sees thatthe LIMO is here for him.

And the HEARSE behind it.

NARRATOR (V.O.)(cont'd)If you want to make God laugh...

EXT. THE CEMETARY - DAY

Carlo stands in front of the grave, placing some flowers.The cold winter WIND begins blowing...faster and faster...

All around Carlo, TIME BEGINS PASSING.

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The snows melt, and spring begins, clouds flying through thesky, the grass growing and receding, the treesblooming...then autumn, as the leaves turn colors and beginfalling all around him, eventually leaving everything bareand gray once again.

But Carlo exists in his own moment, placing flowers.Finally, he's done.

He stands up, and suddenly remembers he's supposed to breath.He takes some air in, and lets out a long, slow breath.

A single snowflake FALLS, then another.

It's winter again.

EXT. CAMPUS - PHYSICS HALL - SNOWY DAY - A YEAR HAS PASSED

INT. PHYSICS HALL - LECTURE HALL - CONTINUOUS

Students write furiously in their notebooks.

At the front of the room, a very tall, angular, dark-hairedman PACES back and forth like a strutting cock, which, infact, is a rather apt description of PROFESSOR CYRILHEINEGGER, late 50's, British accent. Holds a POINTER.

HEINEGGER...so we see that atoms in highconcentration seek to move towardsareas of low concentration. Why?In keeping with this phenomenon, Iwill bring my agile mind over here,where the slower students haveerected a shantytown monument toNOT LISTENING!

He SLAMS his POINTER down on one of these kids' desks,SNAPPING him to attention.

Heinegger turns to a girl who is writing copious notes, butseems LOST nonetheless.

HEINEGGER (cont'd)

Would you like a hint?

GIRL STUDENT(relieved)

Yes.

HEINEGGERZyaw. Zyor. Zyora.

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She's confused. What?

HEINEGGER (cont'd)Not ringing any bellsother thanthe ones you normally hear whilst

your head moves to and fro?(beat)

The answer is, "diffusion," whichyou did not know, becauzyora MORON.

Behind Heinegger, the door opens QUIETLY. Carlo entersbehind him, carrying the BIG STEEL SPHERE. It's HEAVY.

HEINEGGER (cont'd)You people don't know what you havehere, do you? This is PHYSICS!This is the answer to everything!

Sure enough, they're all slack-jawed, but they seem moreinterested in Carlo's struggles to CARRY this enormous SPHEREwithout dropping it or making a sound.

HEINEGGER (cont'd)It is modern man's alchemy, it isthe magic of our day! It is

Carlo finally gets the SPHERE to rest on the table, right ontop of Heinegger's JACKET.

We hear a CRUNCH. Carlo FREEZES. Right under the ball, fromhis POV, we can see Heinegger's GOLD POCKET WATCH.

Heinegger WHIRLS on him.

HEINEGGER (cont'd)What are you doing?

CARLOThis, for Professor Timmsdale. Hecome in after you.

HEINEGGEROh, yes. Harry's Italian lab

jockey.

Carlo SMILES, put his hand on the SPHERE. We hear anothersmall CRUNCH.

HEINEGGER (cont'd)What was that?

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Carlo STARES, then shows Heinegger he was just CRACKING hisknuckles. But no sound comes.

So he does it again, LEANING on the SPHERE to hold it inplace. We hear the cracking. Carlo SMILES. Cracks his

"knuckles" again, then his neck, his elbows, his jaw, all insyncopation with the CRACKING WATCH, which is most likelybeing CRUSHED into powder.

HEINEGGER (cont'd)Thank you, Il Doofe. Silence,please.

Heinegger turns back to the class. Carlo immediately pushesthe BALL and gets at the watch...

It's in PIECES. Carlo, SWEATING, tries frantically to put itback together, bits of it TINGING and PINGING on the FLOOR.

HEINEGGER (cont'd)(back to class)

Where was I? Oh yes. Yourstupidity, sitting there with yourstool-like minds, slack-jawed andnumb in the face of the infinitewill you STOP THAT NOISE!!!

He turns on CARLO once more.

HEINEGGER (cont'd)Tell Timmsdale the next time youinterrupt my class, I'll see to itthat you're dismissed. Si?

CARLOSi.

SFX: The BELL rings...the kids all get up. As soon asHeinegger turns, Carlo closes the WATCH and slips it back inHeinegger's coat. Exits.

Heinegger gathers his coat, puts it on, pulls out his watch.Yes, just about time for his next appointment.

He closes the watch with a SNAP, and it collapses into ahundred pieces in his hand.

He stares at the empty shell. What just happened?

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INT. PHYSICS CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

A table of professors. DEAN CROSBY, late 40's, presides.They're all sort of drumming their fingers, waiting forsomething...

DEAN CROSBYI'm sure Professor Timmsdale willbe along shortly...

HEINEGGERGod forbid we start without him.After all, he's got senility...ahem, seniority.

Timmsdale BUSTLES IN, a briefcase EXPLODING with papers...

TIMMSDALE

Hello, hello...oh, good! You'reall here!

HEINEGGERFor thirty minutes, Harry.

TIMMSDALEYes! Yes! Precisely. Thirtyminutes ago, I had a tremendousidea! Revolutionary!

DEAN CROSBY(excited)

Well that's what this meeting isabout. New ideas the Universitycan patent. Let's hear about thenext big thing from the famousTimmsdale!

TIMMSDALEPardon?

DEAN CROSBYYour revolutionary idea?

TIMMSDALEOh! Well, you see, that's thething. I've been trying toremember it for the past 30minutes...

Heinegger ROLLS HIS EYES...

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TIMMSDALE (cont'd)(searching his papers)

It's really quite extraordinary.Even better than my laser!

HEINEGGERYour laser? I had the idea first!

The rest of the room GRUMBLES.

PROFESSOR BRIGHTONYeeees, and you had my high-efficiency engine too.

HEINEGGERI did! I was just a week behindyou!

PROFESSOR SCHWERINAnd my proton quantifier...

HEINEGGERI wrote that one down on a napkinone year before you ever

PROFESSOR ECKSTEINLet's not forget the fistfight withStephen Hawking...

HEINEGGERI practically dictated A BriefHistory of Time! And it was NOT afistfight. I barely touched him,and the little bastard bit me onthe kneecap...

TIMMSDALEAh! I remember my idea!

(glances at Heinegger)But I shouldn't say, it's notcompletely finished.

DEAN CROSBY

At least tell me if we can expect apatent, some income, maybe sixfigures?

TIMMSDALEOh no. No no, nothing like that.

(beat)I'd guess billions.

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Dean Crosby CHOKES on his coffee.

TIMMSDALE (cont'd)But I'll need some extra boron tofinish it...

DEAN CROSBYI'll buy you a damn MINE...

HEINEGGERBoron? Boron!?!

(rises)I'm working on a project involvingboron!

TIMMSDALEDid I say boron? I meant barium.

HEINEGGERI need barium too!

(off everyone's looks)WHAT? I do!

Everyone GRUMBLES again. Outside, we hear the BELL TOLLING.As the professors RISE to return to classes.

DEAN CROSBYOne last thing. The University'sbudget crunch continues.

Again, more groans.

DEAN CROSBY (cont'd)At year's end, we may have to scaleback. On faculty.

Everyone gets quiet. Eyes shift FURTIVELY to Heinegger.

DEAN CROSBY (cont'd)For what it's worth, this is stilla meritocracy. Results, people.Show me results, and you havenothing to worry about.

EXT. CAMPUS - CONTINUOUS

As the bell tolls, we PAN ACROSS CAMPUS to another building.

INT. HISTORY BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

A door reads HISTORY DEPARTMENT. We push into the room...

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INT. HISTORY FACULTY LOUNGE - CONTINUOUS

The professors here are gathering THEIR things. Theirdepartment head, Dean Stoller, is giving the same speech.

DEAN STOLLER...because of this crunch, we mayhave to cut back on faculty. Sostart publishing.

As they gather their things, JAANSEN, a female professor,turns to Professor LUCY LIPKE, 35, dowdy in her clothes andhair, but with a charming, if overexpressive face.

JAANSENPublish again? Haven't we all putout a book in the last year?

LUCYI know. I mean, I haven'ttechnically published mine yet.But I wrote it. Actually, I'mrewriting it. More likereconceiving it.

(beat)I haven't started.

JAANSENLucy! What's going on?

(wink)New boyfriend?

Lucy's face breaks out into a GRIN.

JAANSEN (cont'd)A real non-internet one?

Lucy's grin FADES.

LUCYWell, he's not that far away.Ithaca.

JAANSENUpstate New York. That's close.

LUCY(sheepish)

Ithaca, the Greek Island, actually.

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JAANSENRiiiight. I'm going to walk awaybefore I show visible pity.

LUCY

Thanks.

Lucy gathers up her things, stares out the window. Outside,it's snowing.

LUCY (cont'd)(depressed)

It's beginning to look a lot likeChristmas.

INT. FLASHBACK - CHRISTMASES PAST - DAY

MUSIC: LET IT SNOW

QUICK FLASH 1: Lucy walks happily, hand-in-hand withBOYFRIEND #1, through a CHRISTMAS TREE lot.

They come face to face with a PREGNANT WOMAN and her threeother kids.

PREGNANT WOMANAaron?!?

AARONOh shit...

QUICK FLASH 2: Lucy with her eyes shut, sitting in front ofa Christmas Tree.

BOYFRIEND #2 (O.S.)Ready for your surprise?

LucyI'm ready!

BOYFRIEND #2Okay, open!

She OPENS her eyes. Boyfriend #2 is standing in Broadwaydiva pose, wearing a Santa-style bustier, fishnets, fullmakeup, gorgeous wig.

Lucy's jaw drops.

QUICK FLASH 3: Lucy at Christmas dinner with the wholeextended family. Very Norman Rockwell. She snuggles next toBoyfriend #3.

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LUCY'S DADWell, Lucy, I must say, Norm isquite a catch.

5 YEAR-OLD KATIE

(giggling)He's like Rudolph!

LUCYOh yeah, Katie? How?

5 YEAR-OLD KATIEI saw him smelling snow in thebathroom. And his nose was red.

A humiliation bomb explodes in Lucy's brain.

MALE VOICE (O.S.)

Miss? Miss?

INT. HISTORY FACULTY LOUNGE - BACK TO PRESENT

A janitor is standing near her.

JANITORWe need to clean up.

LUCY(snaps out of it)

Oh. Yeah. Sorry.

She heads for the door.

JANITORHappy Holidays!

LUCYOh, shove it...

INT. TIMMSDALE'S LAB - AFTERNOON

Carlo is doing some repairs on a MOTOR. But really, juststaring out the window...at the gray sky...at the snow...

TIMMSDALECarlo! Where are my 10,000 ohmresistors? I can't seem to findthem, and the thing I need them foris rapidly leaving my mind...Carlo!Carlo...oh! Here it is!

(beat)Now why did I want this?

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Carlo sees the clock. 5:00. Time to go. He puts the motordown, grabs his coat, and heads for the door.

As he gets to it...SHPANG!!! The sack of PRESENTS descendsagain. But Carlo can't be happy. He FORCES a smile.

Timmsdale doesn't get it.

TIMMSDALE (cont'd)It's the happiest time of year.

(beat)Oh.

(beat)Oh, yes. Well, try to enjoy thelong weekend.

Carlo nods with gratitude at the man's warmth.

CARLOThank you for this, boss.

TIMMSDALENo thank you required. I don'tknow what I'd do without you.

Timmsdale picks up a BOX labelled BARIUM and opens a doorleading into another room.

Carlo gets a quick glimpse of...

THE MACHINE. About the size of a 10 gallon BUCKET, but withgobs of wires, things spinning, sparking...and somethingGLOWING deep in its guts...

His view is suddenly BLOCKED by Timmsdale's large frame. Theman is clearly keeping The Machine a secret.

Carlo NODS again, turns to the door.

TIMMSDALE (cont'd)Carlo...

(Carlo turns back)Do you know the second law of

thermodynamics? You cannot destroyanything. You see? Maybe no onereally dies. Maybe things just getrearranged.

(beat)Merry Christmas.

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EXT. LAB - EVENING

Carlo walks to his BIKE. Sees a little flyer. "CITIZENSHIPTEST? Tutoring Available."

He takes one of the little slips off the flyer.

EXT. CARLO'S HOME - EVENING

Carlo RIDES up on his bike. Looks around at the other homes,with their Christmas LIGHTS on.

Stares at his own house.

ROOTS AROUND in a bush...finds a FILTHY OLD electricalcord...then another. CONNECTS THEM.

Around the house, year-old CHRISTMAS LIGHTS BLINK ON...some

of them, at least. About half have burnt out.

A few of the strands have fallen from the roof and justwaggle in the wind.

INT. CARLO'S HOME - EVENING

The door opens. Carlo ENTERS, and as he walks through thehome, we realize...

NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Nothing. The same plastic Christmastree, the same furniture...all of Giulietta's things. Allstill there.

INT. CARLO'S BEDROOM - EVENING

In his room, we see, again, how everything is untouched.Giulietta's perfumes are still on the dresser. In thecloset, her clothes still hang.

INT. CARLO'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

Here, too, it's almost a mausoleum. Carlo takes the pastafrom the pot, then opens the FREEZER. Inside, there's alarge container.

He OPENS IT, and we see it's frozen TOMATO SAUCE...almost allgone. He CHIPS OUT just a little bit, and drops that intohis bowl of pasta.

He swirls it around, lets it MELT, then takes a bite.

A SMILE crosses his face...but it's bittersweet. Thesethings only give him fleeting seconds with her.

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INT. CARLO'S HOME - NIGHT

Carlo carefully moves from room to room, dusting, arranging,making sure everything looks perfect...as if he wereexpecting her to walk in at any moment.

Finally, he takes out one of her records. A Christmas album.Puts on "Silent Night."

He gets to the PHOTO of Giulietta on the mantle.

CARLOWhat? Why are you giving me thatlook?

Impishly looks UP to the ceiling. He's hung some MISTLETOE.

CARLO (cont'd)

Oh. That. What is it? Mistletoe!I don't know who put it there! No!Not me. Why would I put it there?

(beat)You want me to what? Hey, this isa very religious day here! He seeseverything, you know. Windows,doors...right through them...

(looks around)Ah, Giulietta, for you? Anything.

Carlo CROSSES HIMSELF, then smiles playfully at the photo,LEANS in and gives her a little KISS.

In the background, the choir sings "sleep in heavenly peace."

EXT. COLLEGE STREET - MORNING

A quiet house near the college.

INT. LUCY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Lucy pads into the living room in her robe. As she rummagesaround for her little tape recorder, we SCAN the room.

Cats. Books. Lots of Americana collectibles...as in oldvintage political pins, banners, photos, etc.

Lucy finds her tape recorder. Begins recording as she walks.

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LUCYThe witches of Salem have alwaysbeen thought of as victims of malesubjugation combined withadolescent female treachery, where

empowerment of the town matrons wasseen as a literal manifestation ofSatan.

Lucy heads into the kitchen.

LUCY (cont'd)But is there another explanation?In a Puritanical era where the only"respectable" life for a woman wasmarriage, where unmarried womenwere seen as useless spinsters, arewe to be surprised that the single

women of Salem starting pointingfingers?

Lucy opens her fridge. There's a whole lot of Slim Fastcans. She pushes them aside to find a jar of peanut butter.

Spoons some into her mouth. Heads back into the living room.

LUCY (cont'd)I mean, all day long, why aren'tyou married? Not good enough toget a man? Sure you're only 15,but if you don't land a guy now,you're through.

(swallows peanut butter)You know what, witch? I'm singleand I'm proud, so howsabout we hangyour fat asses? This is Salem,girl! We got time and we got rope!

Lucy SNAPS the recorder off, pops the little tape out, andthrows the cassette into a large cardboard box FULL of littletiny tapes.

LUCY (cont'd)

That's a chapter.

Lucy sits down at her computer. Jiggles the CLUSTER FUCK ofmulti-outlets she's jammed into one socket so that the damnthing goes on.

Her CAT jumps up on the box of tapes.

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LUCY (cont'd)Hey, Alger. That's mommy's book.I'm gonna really start it thistime.

Alger HISSES, then YACKS a nice gummy HAIRBALL into the box.

Lucy SNAPS the computer off.

LUCY (cont'd)This time tomorrow.

EXT. CAMPUS - SATURDAY - AFTERNOON

Carlo TRUDGES through the snow across the mostly emptycampus. He enters the History Building.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Consulting his little slip of paper (citizenship tutoring),he finds the room.

INT. CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS

Carlo enters a small classroom and takes a seat between aChinese man and an African woman. Around him sit a Mexicanman, a Pakistani couple and a white dude.

Carlo turns to the African woman.

CARLOCiao.

The Chinese man looks up.

MR. CHOWWhat?

Carlo says nothing, confused. Chow scowls at him.

Lucy ENTERS.

LUCY

Hello. My name is Lucy Lipke. I'ma professor of American History,and I'll be helping you prepare foryour American citizenship exam.

They all stare at her, silently.

22.

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LUCY (cont'd)These sessions will cost 25dollars. I take checks.

They all stare, silently.

LUCY (cont'd)I should let you know, I only speakEnglish. If you don't speakEnglish, please raise your hand.

No one raises their hand.

LUCY (cont'd)Now, just for fun, if you do speakEnglish, raise your hand.

Carlo and the white dude raise their hands.

LUCY (cont'd)Great. Okay, you guys...?

(points to the rest)Can't stay.

(points to the door)No English, no stay. Big bye byetime for you now.

Mr. Chow begins yammering at her.

LUCY (cont'd)It's just noise to me, friend.Like jack hammers or locusts. Ican't help you.

They get the point. Gather their stuff and leave.

LUCY (cont'd)Okay, so it's just two of you.Fine. Let's get started, shall we?

WHITE DUDE(rises)

Um, cool. My name is Tim

Hendershot, I'm 39, and I'malcoholic. Just like my father.

LUCYAA is two doors down. Were you notlistening when I came in?

23.

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WHITE DUDEWere you not listening? I'm drunk.You're lucky I'm wearing pants.

He EXITS. Now it's just Lucy and Carlo. He SMILES at her.

EXT. SNOWY CAMPUS - MINUTES LATER

Lucy walks with Carlo by the old college building.

LUCYAmerican History is all around us.In fact, the administrationbuilding was once the site of a six month siege. Revolutionarypamphleteer James Cartwright wastrapped alone inside by the Britishduring the winter of 1777.

Carlo stares up at the building.

LUCY (cont'd)He wrote, "I stand against theirtaxation and oppression. And if Istand here alone, do I not stillstand?"

Carlo gets his notebook out, starts writing.

CARLOTaxation. Oppression. Famfateer.Okay yes. Do I must to know date?

LUCYIs that question geneticallyencoded in all humanity? No, thiswon't be on the test.

They begin walking.

LUCY (cont'd)So, where's your wife?

(off Carlo's look)

I noticed your ring. If she's acitizen, then so are you bymarriage, but you're obviously not,so she's not, so where is she?

CARLOShe love this country. I likehere. Very nice.

24.

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(MORE)

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But sono Fiorentino, Florence. Yougo to Florence?

LUCYNo. But I've seen pictures. It'sbeautiful.

CARLOBeautiful? Gah! BaYOOOOOOtiful!

(breathes in, remembers)But she love here. Want to becitizen.

(beat)She...I don't know polite way tosay. E morta.

LUCYOh. Well, we would say, "Shepassed away."

CARLO(shrugs)

That does not sound right.

Awkward moment. They stop. Lucy points at the ground whereCarlo stands.

LUCYThat's where Washington stoodshortly after the Battle ofMonmouth.

Carlo pulls out his wallet, takes a dollar bill, and holds itin front of his face, like he's Washington.

CARLOFourascore, atwenty years haggo!

LUCYWow. It's like I was there.

BIRD'S EYE VIEW of them looking up at the building.

CARLO

So this man up there six month?Alone?

LUCYThat's right.

CARLO(shrugs)

That's no so bad. I could do that.

25.

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CARLO (cont'd)

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LUCYYou know...so could I.

INT. TIMMSDALE'S LAB - DAY

DANGER! DO NOT X-RAY! DO NOT SHAKE! DO NOT EXPOSE TO HEAT!

Just a few of the warning labels on...

AN ENORMOUS BOX, the size of a large man. Carlo PUSHES intothe room.

CARLOBoss! It's here!

Timmsdale comes RUSHING in.

TIMMSDALE

From the Ukraine, yes? Ah!Excellent! The final element!

Carlo opens the side of the box, SLIDES OUT a huge STYROFOAMPACKING block.

Removes tissue paper, more cardboard...finally,finally...this huge box...all for...

A tiny METAL CUBE. Timmsdale lifts it with reverence.

TIMMSDALE (cont'd)At last.

He opens the cube. Inside...a A GLOWING GREEN SPHERE. Carloand Timmsdale stare in awe...

TIMMSDALE (cont'd)It's beautiful, but deadly. Goodthing we're wearing our leadaprons, eh?

Carlo CLEARS HIS THROAT. They are NOT wearing lead aprons.

Timmsdale SNAPS the cube shut.

TIMMSDALE (cont'd)Oh fudge. 5 seconds of exposure atless than 15 feet, fudge indeed!

(panics)Did you have that bald spot fiveminutes ago?

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CARLOYes.

TIMMSDALE(big sigh of relief)

If you go blind, whistle for me.

Carlo WINCES. Timmsdale takes the cube into the SECRET ROOM.

WHAM. The secret room SHUTS.

Carlo tries to work on some little projects, but theFASCINATING NOISES coming from the room are very interesting.

He needs a longer length of TUBING for something. The tubingis on the top level of the 20' tall shelving.

He starts climbing up a makeshift ladder to the top. When he

gets there, he realizes...

There's a small VENT GRATING through which he can see intothe SECRET ROOM. He leans in...

CARLO'S POV THROUGH THE VENT GRATING...

Timmsdale's MACHINE is complete. The professor takes a PAIROF SCISSORS, places them into the machine, and shuts it.

Hits a button.

ANGLE ON Carlo's EYES through the vent...the GREEN LIGHTreflected back nearly BLINDS HIM.

CARLO'S POV THROUGH THE VENT GRATING

Timmsdale opens the machine.

And, amazingly...the scissors GET OUT. They climb out, walkout, they...well, they're ALIVE. They have a rubbery organicflexibility. The blades are like little legs.

Timmsdale has BROUGHT an INANIMATE OBJECT TO LIFE!

Carlo can't believe what he's seeing!

ANGLE ON his foot...SLIPS on the ladder, makes a noise...

ANGLE ON the SCISSORS...the finger holes WHIRL TOWARDS thegrate like PEERING LITTLE EYES...

Startled, Carlo completely loses his balance and FALLS...

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TWENTY FEET BELOW...

WHAM! It's okay. He's landed squarely on top of the largestyrofoam slab.

Phew. Relieved, he gets up.

Whooops. Can't. He's EMBEDDED. A shadow PASSES OVER HIM.

HEINEGGERIs Timmsdale selling you on Ebay?Italian monkey-boy, Mint in Box?

CARLOHelp...I cannot get...

HEINEGGERWhat did you see? What's he up to?

CARLOI saw nothing. No thing. Help?

HEINEGGERVery well. Back to Italy you go.

Heinegger SLIDES the styrofoamed Carlo BACK INTO THE BOX.Pulls out a pen. Starts writing on the box.

HEINEGGER (cont'd)To: Some dank Sicilian prison, viaslave barge.

From inside the box, MUFFLED YELLING...

HEINEGGER (cont'd)Hmmmm? So sorry, I don't speak"package." Now, you can strugglefor the remainder of your life,i.e. one hour, or...

Heinegger grabs a HOOK from the desk, JABS it into thestyrofoam, and HAULS CARLO OUT of the box.

HEINEGGER (cont'd)...you can surrender like a goodItalian and get me the plans to hisinvention. My career is on theline.

CARLOWhy?

28.

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HEINEGGERBecause I invented it first!

CARLOInvented what?

HEINEGGERI DON'T KNOW YET! It could be anynumber of things. I'm a genius,quite frankly, lots of irons in thefire you see. The point is, Iwon't be robbed of glory again!Get me the plans, get me theinvention...or arrivederci, il mioamico.

Heinegger raises his BOOT, and SLAMS IT DOWN...

Right to the side of Carlo's head. The indentation is enoughfor Carlo to wiggle his head out, lift his neck, and WRIGGLEhis body FREE of the styrofoam.

Heinegger is GONE.

Behind the SECRET ROOM door, more NOISES....

INT. HISTORY BUILDING - MAIN OFFICE - DAY

Lucy pulls some papers out of her departmental mailbox.Flips through them.

An INVITATION. She opens it.

LUCYThe President of the Universityinvites you and a guest to a wintergarden soiree.

JAANSENWho are you going with? Lucas fromPolitics asked me.

LUCY

What is this, Junior Prom?

JAANSENPlease, we're Ivy League scholars.

(beat)You wanna go in on a limo with us?

Lucy frowns, CHUCKS the invite in the trash.

29.

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INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Carlo sits in his chair, DISTRACTED...

LUCY

So while Congress drafts laws, onlythe President has the power to...

(beat)Hellooooo?

Carlo STARES at a pair of SCISSORS on her desk.

CARLODid those move?

LUCYNo. Are you okay?

CARLOYes, sorry. My work I think makeme derange.

LUCYIt's a common complaint. Whichdepartment are you?

CARLOI run physics lab. I fix electric,welding, computer, all things forexperiment.

(back to the scissors)They were no over there?

LUCYNo. Scissors don't just get up andwalk around.

Outside, we hear THUNDER...on Carlo's eyes...

INT. TIMMSDALE'S LAB - NIGHT

Carlo sits at his desk, backlit by the huge window andLIGHTNING. CRASH!

Gripped with a certain fear, he stares at the SECRET ROOM.

Timmsdale ENTERS, soaked. He is JUMPY.

TIMMSDALECarlo! Come here!

Carlo approaches.

30.

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32/111

TIMMSDALE (cont'd)Old friend, I have an importanttask for you. Wait here.

Timmsdale enters the SECRET ROOM, then returns, LOCKING THE

ROOM BEHIND HIM.

He now holds a BOX...just big enough to hold a pair ofscissors. The LID occasionally BUMPS UP and DOWN.

TIMMSDALE (cont'd)I have created something ofremarkable power, but potentiallygrave danger. I must leave forEngland at once. I have friendsthere who will arrange it so mymachine does not fall into thewrong hands. Until then, I leave

it with you.

CARLONo no no no no...

TIMMSDALEI can't exactly take a smallnuclear device on United, now, canI? There is no other way.

(beat)While I am gone, you must not letANYONE in here.

CARLOA no one!

TIMMSDALENo one must touch the machine!

CARLOA no touch!

TIMMSDALENothing must happen to it!

CARLOA nothing!

TIMMSDALENOTHING!

CARLOA NO THING!

31.

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Timmsdale ARMS the FOUR ALARMS on the door. We hear thechunky THUNK of electronic locks falling into place.

Timmsdale turns to Carlo, HUGS him.

TIMMSDALEGood luck.

He EXITS.

Carlo looks around. The electronic locks FLASH and BEEP.Hmmm. He isn't impressed. This place needs more security.

MONTAGE

Cutting wooden boards, stringing wire, tying rope, winchingthe BIG STEEL SPHERE up towards the ceiling, filling a pailof water, etc.

BACK TO SCENE

Carlo steps down from his ladder, wipes his hands. Looksaround. Yup, that's much better.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE TIMMSDALE'S LAB - CONTINUOUS

Carlo walks out in the hallway with his BIG HUGE FLASHLIGHT.Sits down in a chair, and WAITS.

TIME PASSES...

He's starting to NOD OFF. Think...think...

JUMP CUT TO:

Carlo back in his chair, but he's rigged some ALLIGATOR CLIPSto his eyelids. The flashlight is between his legs, AIMED athis CHIN. He smiles. Waits.

Starts to NOD...his head droops, which makes the alligatorclips pull his eyelids open, and the flashlight beam hits himFULL BLAST in the retinas.

Carlo YELPS in pain. It's working, but it hurts. He getsanother idea!

INT. COFFEE ROOM - MINUTES LATER

A fresh pot of coffee. Carlo pours, takes a sip. Strong!

He SNORTS IN like a bull! No way he's going to sleep now!

32.

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34/111

He EXITS, revealing he's just brewed half a can of SANKA.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE TIMMSDALE'S LAB - MINUTES LATER

Coffee mug on floor. Carlo DEAD TO THE WORLD in his chair,

sleep drool making a bungee line to the floor.

A FIGURE passes by silently...enters the lab...

INT. TIMMSDALE'S LAB - LATER

The electronic lock panels all have WIRES dangling, leadingto...HEINEGGER at a laptop...running a CRACK program.

The last NUMBERS fall into place. KaCHUNK, KaCHUNK, KaCHUNK,the locks yield.

HEINEGGER turns the knob of the DOOR. Starts to open it...

PLINK. The door has struck a small LEVER at its top.

Heinegger STOPS...watches as...

Mini unbalanced see-saws FLOP against each other, eventuallyreleasing a BASEBALL BAT tied to a rope. The bat drops down,counterweighting a Coke can with a nail in it up towards theceiling...

The nail POPS a balloon, which had been suspending a MATCH.

The match crosses a STRIKE PAD, ignites a trail of powder allthe way to...

A small container with some sterno. The sterno ignites. Thehot air it creates sends a miniature SAIL upwards, which hitsANOTHER LEVER...

FASCINATED, Heinegger continues to watch as the leverreleases THE BIG STEEL SPHERE...the metal ball is now ROLLINGalong a series of RUNNERS in the beamwork.

At each turn, it hits a flag that pops up with a number...

3! 2! 1!

The final beam DROPS on a HINGE, and the huge SPHEREPLUMMETS...

Landing a good 10 feet away from Heinegger.

33.

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35/111

HEINEGGER(chuckles)

Idiot.

Heinegger TURNS back around to the door.

And there's Carlo with the BASEBALL BAT.

BONK! Heinegger drops like a sack of potatoes.

Good plan, Carlo!

Heinegger GROANS...he's out, but not for long...

The SECRET DOOR is open. Carlo has to do something, orHeinegger will steal the boss' machine!

INT. SECRET ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Carlo covers THE MACHINE with some FABRIC. Lifts it. Heavy.But he's got to get it out of here.

EXT. PHYSICS BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

CRACK! Lightning illuminates Carlo making his way throughthe suddenly MENACING GOTHIC CAMPUS...

EXT. STREETS - NIGHT

Carlo SLOWLY WORKS HIS WAY back on his bike, the heavyMACHINE in the basket.

COP CARS fly by, shining their lights...but Carlo carries on.

INT. CARLO'S HOME - NIGHT

Carlo FALLS through the door, finally getting into thekitchen, where he sets the MACHINE down on the table. Thenlocks the door, the windows, everything...

THUNDERCLAP!

Carlo turns away, then sees a pair of SCISSORS on the

counter. A reminder of what he saw...a reminder of what theMachine can do...

INT. CARLO'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Carlo TOSSES and TURNS...opens his eyes and sees...

GIULIETTA'S CHRISTMAS FRAMED PHOTO...he's put it on hisnighttable. Still with the ribbon on it.

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He agonizes...turns away.

Puts a pillow over his head.

Throws the pillow off, and turns the PHOTO around so he

doesn't have to look at it.

Throws the covers over his head.

A few seconds go by...

Carlo PEEKS OUT from underneath the blanket...

INT. KITCHEN - SECONDS LATER

Carlo RIPS off the ribbon, fumbles with the frame clasps inthe back, then simply SMASHES the frame against the sink.

Pulls out the photo. Does he dare do the unthinkable?

He opens the machine and puts the PHOTO inside. Closes thehatch. Puts his finger on the BUTTON.

Then PUSHES the button. Looks away as the room FILLS WITHGREEN LIGHT. Then, nothing.

With trembling hands, Carlo OPENS the MACHINE.

WHITE SWIRLING SMOKE WITHIN bubbles and roils, then thins toair. What's left behind is...

The photo. Sitting there. Not moving.

Carlo reaches in. Takes it out. Holds it up.

CARLOGiulietta?

Nothing. He taps the photo. Nothing.

Sadly, he drops the photo back on to the broken frame.Dismisses the photo with a gesture, gets up, and EXITS.

CLOSE ON the photo. That great smile, frozen for ETERNITY.

LIGHTNING/THUNDER CRASHES

INT. CARLO'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Carlo SLEEPS under the covers. Twitching in dreams...

35.

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CONTINUED


37/111

We HEAR a very creepy sort of DRAGGING NOISE...someSCRABBLING across wooden floors...

ANGLE ON the crack underneath the bedroom door. The light isSHIFTING...something's moving around out there...

INT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

MOVING THROUGH HOUSE low and fast...'til we get to...

INT. THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

The broken frame. But the PHOTO is gone.

EXT. CARLO'S HOME - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

From across the street, we can see through the windows, oneafter another after another...BRIGHT GREEN FLASHES.

FADE TO:

INT. CARLO'S BEDROOM - MORNING

A piece of fabric TOUCHES Carlo's nose. Pulls back, thenTICKLES IT.

Carlo AWAKES. What the hell?

The window is a bit open. The wind was just flapping a bitof sheet. He RUBS HIS EYES.

INT. HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Heads downstairs. Walks THROUGH the living room towards thekitchen, out of frame.

Then walks back in.

Ever have that feeling someone's watching you? He looksaround...nah...nothing...


Carlo ENTERS, grabs for a cereal box, pours a bowl, takes aspoon, sits down and...

Sees that the PHOTO is gone.

FREAKS OUT! JUMPS UP! Turning and leaping like a man whosepet scorpion has gotten loose. Where is it???

36.

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Ah! There...on the floor...the wind again. He takes it,brings it into...

INT. THE LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Puts it on the mantle.

INT. THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Sits back down to breakfast. Napkin, bowl, cereal, and...

The spoon is off the napkin. Hmmm. He puts it back on thenapkin, unfolds the newspaper, absentmindedly grabs for it...

It's off the napkin AGAIN.

Carlo puts the paper down. This is not good. He makes a BIGSHOW of looking away, humming...

Then POUNCES on the SPOON.

It LEAPS out of the way! Carlo SWIPES at it again! It jumpsinto the air, SMACKS him on the FOREHEAD...

The CHASE is ON. Carlo throws himself at the spoon, WRECKINGTHE KITCHEN, but he CAN'T catch it. Each time he misses, thespoon SMACKS some other part of his body.

It's MOCKING HIM.

Carlo CHARGES...the spoon BOUNCES OUT into the...


Carlo LEAPS for the spoon, MISSES AGAIN. Lands FACE FIRSTonto the RUG.

Ouch. His eyes OPEN slowly. He looks up, and sees...

THE LIVING THINGS

The room is literally BUZZING with life...all the littleknickknacks and objects that Giulietta gathered are dancing,

running, spinning, hopping...

It's very Wizard of Oz. Except instead of Munchkins peeringout at Dorothy, Giulietta's THINGS are staring at Carlo.

The CUCKOO CLOCK BIRDS, once wooden, pop out of the clocksand FLY AROUND, joined by...

37.

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39/111

The VINYL RECORDS leap out of their SLEEVES and put on anacrobatic show, as if they were Chinese Plate Spinners...

An old TIN WHISTLE hops down towards the BELLOWS, which walkswith the gait of a fat old man. The bellows blows air intothe whistle, which causes...

...the CANDLE PROCESSION to begin. Candles in their sticks,gliding solemnly like a file of monks.

The BIC LIGHTER flicks itself and lights up like a ceremonialtorch. The candles bow reverently and light their wicks.

They gather around the curtains, which are fluttering aroundsomething. The curtains PART and...

Carlo GASPS...

It's one of Giulietta's DRESSMAKER'S TORSOS. The kind with

arms that sits on a long stand. Wearing a BLOUSE.

Giulietta's DIAMOND RING on its finger.

And sitting in the collar...

The PHOTO of Giulietta.

Carlo RISES. Walks to THE FIGURE.

The Figure moves towards him.

One of the VINYL RECORDS leaps onto the record player. TheSPOON hops over and CLICKS it on.

It's "Caro Nome," Verdi's RIGOLETTO.

The blouse sleeve reaches out. Carlo takes it, puts his handon The Figure's back, feeling it MOVE underneath his fingers.

Feeling that it's alive.

He SMILES...and THEY DANCE. They dance as the cuckoo birdszoom around and the candles sway.

Then The Figure points to the nested Babushka dolls.

The BIG BABUSHKA DOLL begins to SHAKE. Something is ALIVEinside. The PAPA doll SPLITS OPEN. Then the MAMA, then theBIG SISTER, THE GRANDPA, etc....all just inanimatedolls...until...

38.

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CONTINUED


40/111

The BABY BABUSHKA is born, like a chick emerging from an egg.The Baby is ALIVE. It STUMBLES about like a newborn...tapsforlornly against its MAMA's wooden face...

The Figure takes Baby B. and carries him gently to Carlo.

The Figure is the mother. Carlo is the father. This istheir child.

Carlo isn't quite sure how to handle all this.

The Figure puts the Baby down on a soft pillow, then takesCarlo's hand...leads him to the stairs...

CLOSE ON a small wicker basket. Inside, something unseenSHIFTS and MOVES...

INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

She leads Carlo into the bedroom. To the bed.

CARLOAh. I see.

(clears throat)How, how do we, ummm...?

He touches her skirt, lifts it just a bit.

The Figure WHACKS his hand away, then puts her sleeves endson her hips, annoyed.

CARLO (cont'd)Giulietta! It IS you!

The Figure POINTS to the closet.

Carlo gets up, opens it.

CARLO (cont'd)I don't understand.

The Figure KEEPS POINTING...at the floor of the closet.

Carlo gets down, pats around, then finds a small finger hole.He is able to PULL THE FLOORBOARD UP...

Inside is a WRAPPED CHRISTMAS GIFT.

CARLO (cont'd)What is this?

(beat)

39.

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(MORE)

CONTINUED


41/111

This was meant for me. From lastChristmas, before you

The Figure NODS.

Carlo rips the paper off. Opens the box.

It's a pair of BROWN OXFORDS.

Carlo stares at the gift his dead wife never had a chance togive him.

Then starts to CRY. A smiling cry. A laughing cry.

The Figure's SLEEVE reaches up to wipe away his tears.

CARLO (cont'd)Thank you...

(beat)

...Giulietta.

EXT. HEIGHTSTOWN ASSISTED LIVING CENTER - DAY

That's what they call the group homes for the old folks thesedays. From inside we here singing.

VOICES (O.S.)Well I'm the Sheik of Araby,Your love belongs to me.

INT. REC ROOM - ASSISTED LIVING CENTER - CONTINUOUS

The elderly have gathered to sing around AUNT AUDREY, 85, atough-looking sort of elfin old gal, who plays the piano.

ELDERLY SINGERSThe stars that shine aboveWill light our way to love.You'll rule this world with me,I'm the Sheik of Araby.

They all clap when they finish.

ELDERLY FOLKS

Oh! That was great! What fun!

AUNT AUDREYFun? You people SUCK! If theSheik were here, he'd camel-screwya.

40.

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CARLO (cont'd)

(MORE)

CONTINUED


42/111

There's no rhythm, no feeling, someof you are still forgetting thelyricsand don't give me that lameAlzheimer's excuse, HarryandDorothy, how long have you smoked?

DOROTHY(croaks)

Sixty years.

AUNT AUDREYJesus Christ...you're singing bassfrom now on. But not towards me.Your lung-rot breath has a way ofwafting.

(looks up)Lucy!

Lucy WAVES from across the room.

LUCYAunt Audrey! I didn't mean tointerrupt.

AUNT AUDREYInterrupt? Half of these coots'llbe dead before I reach the door.

(waves her cane at them)CLEAR! Hahahah...only a matter oftime, suckers...!

EXT. GARDEN - ASSISTED LIVING CENTER - DAY

Lucy strolls with Aunt Audrey through the garden, flippingthrough a PHOTO ALBUM.

AUNT AUDREYSo you're still working on yourbook, right?

LUCYWell, the first chapter is

AUNT AUDREY

I was just feigning interest. Cutto the sex.

LUCYWhat?

AUNT AUDREYWhat's going on in the sack? Iwant details. The filthy stuff.

41.

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AUNT AUDREY (cont'd)

CONTINUED


43/111

LUCYNothing is going on in the sack.I'm single. I'm happy single.

AUNT AUDREY

Right. And I'm happy taking a crapevery full moon. Get real.

LUCYI thought you of all people wouldunderstand. You lived on your own.And look at all the things you did!

(re: photo book)You flew airplanes, you joined thePeace Corps...and you weren'tsubsumed by some other person. Ibet most of the women in here pineaway over their dead husbands.

They don't know what it means to beindependent and strong, like us.

AUNT AUDREYUs? First of all, you've neverflown shinola, so back off with theAmelia Earhart sisterhood bunko.

(beat)Besides, I never look at thosephotos. It's just me in there.Truth is, it would have been niceto have someone. Now it's toolate.

(inhales)Take a deep breath, Luce. Beforeyou know it, you won't be able to.

LUCYOh come on. We both have plenty oflife left.

AUNT AUDREYNo, I mean I'm taking you to thecafeteria for lunch. Ever smell ahundred adult diapers catching

fudge at the same time?

INT. TIMMSDALE'S LAB - AFTERNOON

The SECRET ROOM DOOR, left unlocked, is slowly pushed open.

TILT UP to reveal HEINEGGER with a rather LARGE KNOT on hishead. He walks towards the table. The Machine is GONE.

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Heinegger DARKENS. He has a feeling he knows where it is.

INT. CARLO'S HOME - KITCHEN - EVENING

Carlo, STRETCHING from a nap, ENTERS to find...

THE KITCHEN GADGETS have made him his dinner. The SPOONleads a kind of New Orleans Marching Band style progressionof utensils across the table, while the KNIVES swashbuckleeach other for the honor of cutting the meat.

The WINE GLASSES, drunks that they are, sort of STAGGER OVERto the table full of WINE.

The Figure SITS across from Carlo.

He takes a bite. Oh yeaaaaaaah. Just the way she used tomake it. It's DELICIOUS. This is heaven. His beloved wife

is there, his kitchen is full of wonderful smells...it's asif nothing could possibly corrupt this beautiful dream.

INT. CARLO'S HOME - LIVING ROOM - A BIT LATER

He SITS down on the couch, UNBUTTONS his pants. Whew!

He reaches for the REMOTE, but it PRESSES ITSELF.

The TV turns on. It's news. Carlo leans in to change thechannel, but the remote, again, PRESSES ITSELF.

It's a commercial.

TV ANNOUNCERTonight, one night only, never everever to happen again as long as theplanet is in one piece...it's aSUPER SALE at Edison Park MALL!

CARLOEh.

He hits the REMOTE buttons, but the remote keeps SWITCHINGBACK to the ad.

TV ANNOUNCERPrices will never be this lowagain. I do not exaggerate when Icall this the greatest bargainexperience in human history! Open'til 9...hurry! Stores are open!

Carlo ROLLS his eyes. Stupid mall.

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Then he looks to his right.

The Figure is all DRESSED up the way Giulietta used to.

CARLO

Oh no. No no no no no. You can'tleave this house. None of you mustbe seen! You don't know what kindof trouble I'd get in!

Baby B. HOPS DOWN and stares up at Carlo plaintively.

CARLO (CONT'D) (cont'd)Please, don't give me the eyes.

The Figure gets an idea. RUNS UP the stairs, then comes backdown. HOLDS UP...the BROWN OXFORDS.

EXT. BUS STOP - EVENING

CU the Brown Oxfords. Carlo's feet SQUIGGLE in them. He'strying to get comfortable.

The Bus arrives...its sign says "MALL."

INT. BUS - EVENING

Carlo sits on the bus across from a LARGE MUSCULAR DAD andhis three teenaged girls.

He smiles at the girls. They smile back. Then GIGGLE.

Carlo SHIFTS in his seat. Odd feeling...

CLOSE on the CROTCH of his pants. There's a lump, GROWING.It drops down, and BABY B. peeks his little head out ofCarlo's pocket, then back in he goes.

Carlo looks down, sees a TINY PROTRUBERANCE tenting hispants. The girls GIGGLE again.

CARLO(annoyed)

Sit still!

The father GRUNTS at them.

Carlo tries to PUSH the lump back down, but it keeps MOVING,like a tiny erection with a mind of its own.

A NUN stares at him with DISGUST.

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CARLO (cont'd)(whispering)

What did I tell you? I no bringyou next time if you no behave!

The girls are really GIGGLING now. The Father looks over atCarlo. Sees a man having an argument with his erection.

CARLO (cont'd)Don't look at me like that. You nothe boss. I the boss. You want toget spank? I give you spank, righthere, right now!

The Father gets up, cracks his knuckles, walks over to Carlo.

Carlo CLAMPS a hand down on his crotch, frightened. Looks upat the massive man.

FATHERYou got a problem in your pants,buddy?

CARLONo! No problem. Pants are good!

The man LEANS IN. Puts his fist in Carlo's face.

Then produces a business card from the fist.

FatherI'm a psychiatrist. We havetherapies for conditions likeyours.

CARLOThank you.

FATHER(glances down)

There are medical procedures toincrease size as well.

Carlo smiles weakly.

BUS DRIVER (O.S.)Mall!

EXT. CARLO'S HOME - CONTINUOUS

A car ROLLS SLOWLY past the house...then BACKS UP. Parks.

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Heinegger GETS OUT.

He looks around casually, hums, then suddenly DASHES like acoked-up rabbit towards the BACK.

EXT. ROUND BACK - CONTINUOUS

He STOPS. Drops. ROLLS like a commando.

Right into a ROSE BUSH.

HEINEGGERGAARrr.....

He MUFFLES his scream, POPS up, produces a lock pick, andgoes to work on the BACK DOOR.

INT. MALL - EVENING

Carlo at the entrance of the mall. He SIGHS. The place isJAMMED with people...hundreds of stores...

He holds Baby B. up to his face.

CARLORemember. You stay with daddy.Okay? No run around.

(looks around)So. Here we go.

CU the OXFORDS. The laces TIGHTEN. The heels CLICK.

Carlo stares down at his feet. Here he gooooes...

The SHOES are walking THE MAN.

CARLO (cont'd)Whoa!

Frightened, he tries to hold on to something - a pole, atrash can, a lady...no good. His feet are on a MISSION.

He LETS GO, and his feet STAGGER ahead of him, picking up

speed to a trot.

All he can do to balance is wave his arms like a FREAK.

ANGLE ON THE MALL PLAZA - lined with shops.

Carlo RUNS from window to window, or rather, THE SHOES DO,one of them occasionally LIFTING OFF THE GROUND to get abetter look.

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He appears to be a lunatic to everyone around him.

The shoes literally SLIDE HIM ACROSS THE FLOOR towardsBLOOMINGDALE's.

INT. MALL - LATER

Carlo, now laden with FIVE shopping bags, is being WALKED tothe next store.

CARLO(talking to his feet)

I don't have room for this. Nomore, please

The feet are dragging him towards the Coach Leather store.

CARLO (cont'd)

Oh no. No no. Too expensive.Look! Over there!

He starts walking towards the discount Purses 'n' Things.

The shoes REBEL and begin walking him BACKWARDS towards CoachLeather. He appears to be a man SWIMMING against aninvisible tide, doing a kind of running in place thing...butbeing dragged backwards with every step...

CARLO (cont'd)No! No.....

INT. CARLO'S HOME - BACK ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS

SNICK. The door unlocks, then OPENS.

Heinegger ENTERS. Looks around.

Everything is perfectly still.


Heinegger CREEPS in, still looking around.

HEINEGGERI know you're in here...

The FELIX THE CAT CLOCK on the wall stops moving its eyesback and forth, and just follows Heinegger now with itscreepy pupils...

Heinegger walks towards the kitchen...where The Machine is!

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Behind him, the BELLOWS takes a big INHALE. A GLASS BEADfrom a decorative DISH hops OVER to the bellows and lands onthe TIP. The bellows SQUEEZES...firing the bead at the backof our villain's HEAD.

PLINK. He WHIPS AROUND.

HEINEGGER (cont'd)Who's there?!?

Nothing. Nothing moves. The bellows, at a weird angle, letsitself SLIDE over and fall. Nothing too strange about that.

Behind Heinegger, the DRAPES sneak off from the window andarrange themselves in front of the kitchen entry.

He's about to turn back towards the kitchen when, the RUGsort of PULLS ITSELF OUT from under him.

He HITS the ground. Gets up, confused.

HEINEGGER (CONT'D) (cont'd)Wait a second...

Heinegger looks over at the CURTAIN, moves towards it.

BEHIND him, the wicker basket begins to TWITCH. The lidcomes off...and the bright orange EXTENSION CORD rises outlike a COBRA...

It slithers to the wall, and its RATTLER-LIKE tail PLUGS intothe wall. The receptacle end gives off tiny, hissing sparks.This thing is DEADLY. It's about to STRIKE WHEN...

The Figure steps in front. Casts the CORD back.

Heinegger TURNS.

FOOOP! He's hit square in the head with a LARGE PILLOW heldby The Figure, spinning his face away from it. He never seesit coming. And then...

...he COLLAPSES.

A FRYING PAN slides out of the pillow cover, BOWS PROUDLY.

The CORD reluctantly RETURNS to its basket.

A pair of ROLLER BLADES come SCHUSSING around the corner, doa few tricks, some figure eights, then SLIDE to a stop infront of Heinegger, HOOK on to his shoelaces with theirlaces, and start DRAGGING him out the door.

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A record HOPS up on the turntable, and all the toys do alittle DANCE...

RECORD PLAYERNa na, na na na na, hey hey hey,

goodbye!!!

INT. MALL - MINUTES LATER

Carlo GRUMBLES. He's got more bags, including stuff fromCoach Leather.

He leans back against a wall, tired.

CARLOThe more things change...

(talks to his shoes)Well, are we done? Yes? Okay.

All the bags, bus fare, littlebaby...

(pats himself down)Baby...

(looks up)Baby!

Carlo looks around FRANTICALLY! VERTIGO EFFECT of thousandsof people, etc....no way to find the little guy!

But his shoes know something, SPIN HIM AROUND and start himRUNNING.

Carlo looks straight ahead and sees...BABY B. weaving aroundpeople's feet on the escalator...

He looks up further and sees...suspended from the 100 ft.high ceiling...the mall's LOGO character...

A HUGE MAMA BABUSHKA FLOAT with a big GRAND SALE bannerdraped across it. Uh oh. Baby thinks he's found his realmommy.

THE CHASE is on!

Imagine your feet running faster than you've ever gone.They're in control. And they're not going to stop until theycatch that damn Baby Babushka!

SCREAMING AND YELLING all the way, Carlo RUNS up the centraldivider of the escalator...

Blocked by the crowd, the shoes JUMP UP on the foodcourttables, LEAPING Carlo's ENTIRE BODY from table to table.

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Meanwhile, Baby B. is obviously hopping along on the floor,unnoticed by the crowds. But he's like a cat crossing thefreeway, constantly in danger of being CRUSHED...

The Shoes run Carlo STRAIGHT THROUGH THE FOUNTAIN...

Baby B. hops up onto one of the inflatable Babushka's TETHERLINES...almost loses its balance...

Carlo stands by the tether line. He looks around. How canhe get the baby down?

Meanwhile, his shoes had MADE THEIR DECISION. By the timeCarlo looks back up, he's TIGHTROPE WALKING backwards about100 feet above ground.

Below him, people see the man tightrope walking (Baby B. istoo small to even see). They begin APPLAUDING.

CARLO (cont'd)Oh my God....OH MY GOD...

SLIPS! But the shoes recover.

People are OOHING and AAHING.

Closer, closer....Carlo reaches for Baby B...and...GOT HIM!

CARLO (cont'd)Okay...okay...we go back now.Please.

A HUNDRED FEET BELOW, the DANCE CLASSES have begun again.

The shoes start to shift and SLIDE to the rhythm...still onthe TIGHTROPE.

CARLO (cont'd)Oh boy.

MUSIC: Benny Goodman's SING SING SING

The drums pound out the intro, and the Oxfords start TAPPING,

then shuffling...moving Carlo UP AND DOWN the TIGHTROPE.

The crowd below starts WHOOPING IT UP. This is a great show!

CARLO (cont'd)Wait! Listen! We can do thisdownstairs? Okay? Hello?!?

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Then they begin to DANCE! A fantastic dance, in which thedancer is NOT IN CONTROL of his own FEET.

This is Fred Astaire dancing on the ceiling, but for a wholenew generation. Carlo is twirling, hopping, sliding, doing

splits...all effortlessly...and all on a wire suspended 100feet above ground. He even throws in a moonwalk.

He finishes up by SLIDING down the longest wire all the wayto the BOTTOM FLOOR, tucking and rolling, then doing a fewflips and landing on his feet!

The crowd BURSTS INTO APPLAUSE.

Carlo SMILES, WAVES to everyone, then FAINTS DEAD AWAY.

EXT. CARLO'S HOME - EVENING

Heinegger STUMBLES out of the shadows, holding his head, getsin his car and PEELS OFF.

In the other direction, the BUS. It pulls up right toCarlo's house.

Carlo EMERGES with LOADS OF BAGS. He's the last passenger.

CARLOThank you.

BUS DRIVERIt's okay. I have a wife too.

The bus TAKES OFF.

INT. CARLO'S HOME - CONTINUOUS

Carlo ENTERS, and is immediately HUGGED by The Figure.

CARLO(laughs)

Okay, okay...I know. You want tosee what you got. The shoes seemedto know all your favorite stores.

The Figure does a "who, me?" shrug, then picks up Baby B.Gestures to Carlo, then back to the Baby.

CARLO (cont'd)How was he? Well...

Baby B. looks up nervously...

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CARLOPeekaboo!

Baby B. jumps, then tries to hide again.

CARLO (cont'd)PEEKaboo!!!

The Figure puts her sleeves around Carlo and hugs him frombehind. This was their dream. It's come true.

SFX: PHONE RINGS

All the THINGS swivel and STARE at the phone...they don'tseem to friendly towards it.

Carlo gets up, suddenly worried. Is it Timmsdale? Is itHeinegger? What if they found out what he did? What if...?

CARLO (cont'd)Hello?

LUCYCarlo, this is Lucy. Lipke. Yourcitizenship test teacher.

CARLOLucy. Hello.

The Figure looks at Baby. Lucy?

LUCYI'm so sorry, but you said you'regood with electrical, or computers,and...

(beat)I have a really bad problem. Noneof the places I called are open,you're...please...

Carlo looks at The Figure...he doesn't want to leave. ButLucy's begging...

CARLOOkay. I come. Goodbye.

The Figure is looking at him.

CARLO (cont'd)Fifteen minutes! Then I'll comeright back! Okay?

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The Figure slumps sadly, but NODS. Okay. She holds up theBrown Oxfords, but he's already GONE.

EXT. CARLO'S HOME - MINUTES LATER

Carlo has his toolbelt. He gets on his bike.

INT. CARLO'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

The Figure and Baby B. watch him LEAVE from the confines ofher room. Her house. In a way, her prison.

INT. LUCY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

A KNOCK on the door. She OPENS IT.

LUCYCarlo, thank you so so much...

CARLOIs okay. No problem.

He FOLLOWS her in over to the computer.

LUCYI didn't mean to sound like, youknow, my iron lung stopped working,but I started my book.

(beat)It's an important book. But thecomputer blew up.

CARLOOh. You lose everything, hmm?

LUCYNo. No. Just, ummm...

(beat)Well, it wasn't a whole page, butit was almost a page. It was aquarter page. A solid eighth to aquarter.

Carlo SMILES. She smiles back. There's something verycomfortable about this fairly non-judgmental guy.

CARLOWell, I have to be home, so we seewhat the problem is.

Carlo LEANS DOWN, sees the forest of EXTENSION CORDS.

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CARLO (cont'd)Oh. Okay. No big deal.

(mutters)God protect me.

Carlo CROSSES HIMSELF, then YANKS the cords out. Plugs thecomputer cord into the socket.

Lucy leans over to look.

CARLO (cont'd)Okay. If you have power strip

Carlo RISES, smacking his shoulder into Lucy's FACE.

CARLO (cont'd)Ahh! I'm sorry, let me see...

LUCY(holding her face)

It's okay.

She takes her hand away. Her lipstick is a little smeared.

LUCY (cont'd)My lip is numb.

He reaches out and grabs her lip, SQUEEZES.

LUCY (cont'd)Ow.

CARLOIt still works.

Suddenly, he's very aware how close he is to her. And howwarm she is. And how ALIVE she is.

And she's aware too.

CARLO (cont'd)It's hot in here.

LUCYIt's me. I've been inside all day.Body heat.

CARLOYeah.

LUCYYeah.

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CARLO(snaps out of it)

I'm sorry, I have to go...

LUCY

Can't I pay you?

CARLO(fumbling with door)

No, no pay...I just...I havesomething at home...

Lucy LEANS near him to unlock the door.

CARLO (cont'd)Okay. I see you next class.

Lucy takes a breath, jumps into it.

LUCYDo you own a tie?

He looks at her.

LUCY (cont'd)There's this garden party...

INT. HUMAN RESOURCES DEPT. - UNIVERSITY - DAY

An HR clerk taps away at a computer.

HEINEGGERExcuse me.

Reveal Heinegger, who has a LARGE KNOT on his skull.

HEINEGGER (cont'd)I need some records on one of thepersonnel in my department. Carlosomething Italian.

HR CLERKYeah, well I can't really give

those out.(eyeing Heinegger's bump)I have witch hazel if you want.

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HEINEGGERNo, thank you. You see, it'sCarlo's birthday, and a few of thechaps thought it would be a lark tothrow a "This is your life" kind of

thing for him. Just need the info,you see.

HR CLERKOh. That's funny.

HEINEGGERThank you.

HR CLERKCan't do it. Wow is that thingred! I can see your pulse.

HeineggerIGNORE it. Now listen to me, I ama professor of physics. Either yougive me those files, or when youleast expect it, and it could beanywhere, anytime, I will quietlyand secretly expose you to amodified beam of enhancedmulticharged protons that will giveyou cancer.

HR CLERKA cancer ray.

HEINEGGERCreeping death. The big "C." Thesick of all sicks.

The HR clerk stares at Heinegger

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE HR DEPT. - MINUTES LATER

Heinegger CHUCKLES, smugly STROLLS OUT with Carlo's FILE...

HEINEGGER

Moron...

INT. CARLO'S BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING

Carlo puts on his tie.

CARLOShe's just a friend!

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Behind him, The Figure FUMES with her hands on her hips.

CARLO (cont'd)And I'm not dressing for her. It'sa fancy party. They have it every

year. I've never been invited.

Carlo gets his SOCKS on, then looks for his SHOES.

The Figure HOLDS UP the BROWN OXFORDS.

CARLO (cont'd)Ummm, don't the black shoes matchbetter?

FURIOUS, The Figure MARCHES out of the room, SLAMMING THEDOOR. Carlo looks at himself in the mirror, SIGHS.

Giulietta's LIPSTICK HOPS UP and draws HORNS and a MOUSTACHEover his image in the mirror.

CARLO (cont'd)Very nice.


Carlo CHASES after The Figure.

CARLOWhat? So I'm wearing the blackshoes. That doesn't mean I don'twant you there! But if ProfessorHeinegger sees you, we're both inbig trouble, Giulietta.

The Figure turns, then POINTS at some dishes, then to thewall. The dishes THROW THEMSELVES at the wall.

CARLO (cont'd)Okay, that's enough! There's noreason for this jealousy. Whywould I want anyone else?

The Figure GESTURES towards the living room. COSMO magazineflaps its way in like a bird and hovers in the air.

It's a photo of a nearly naked, voluptuous and very flesh andblood woman.

CARLO (cont'd)Giulietta...

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INT. CARLO'S HOME - LAUNDRY ROOM - DAY

The Figure is DOING some LAUNDRY. She's got little Baby B.in the CROOK of her SLEEVE, like it was her real baby.

She pulls out the shirt that Carlo wore to Lucy's the nighthe fixed her computer.

Notices something. The proverbial LIPSTICK on the COLLAR.

She seems to CURL UP in RAGE, both sleeves HOLDING the shirtlike a bloody dagger. Baby B. hops away, FRIGHTENED.

INT. GARDEN PARTY - DAY

ANGLE ON LUCY as Carlo TAPS her on the shoulder.

She turns. He presents her with the flower.

She takes the flower, fixes it to her dress.

LUCYIt's okay. It's my fault.

CARLONo, it's...I feel like infidel.

(off her look)To cause infidelity.

LUCYOh. I see.

CARLOCan I start over?

LUCYYes.

CARLOYou look very pretty today, madam.

LUCYThank you, sir.

CARLOBayooootiful flower, madam.

LUCYI agree, sir.

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PRESIDENTWell, I'm not sure how to top allthat, but I'd like you all to turnto our own Professor Srinivasan,who, after 35 years of tireless

hunting all over the world, hasbrought back a perfect specimen ofthe rarest flower in the world...the Rafflesia!

They all TURN to see a SMALL INDIAN MAN staring at nothingbut a stem.

SRINIVASANAHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

(puts out his hands)AAGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Carlo and Lucy both stare at the flower on her dress. Theyslowly walk BACKWARDS towards the door....

EXT. LUCY'S HOUSE - DAY

Carlo and Lucy are LAUGHING their ASSES OFF. Laughing sohard, they can't even speak.

LUCYOhh! Oh....oh man...

(removes the flower)Thank you!

They laugh some more. She WHACKS him on the arm, and indoing so, CRUSHES the flower.

This starts them laughing EVEN HARDER. Finally, they catchtheir breath.

LUCY (cont'd)So, I hate to bring it up, but wasthat true? What Heinegger saidabout your visa?

CARLO

Yes, but I no worry. I take thetest on Monday.

LUCYMonday? You're not ready.

CARLOYes I am!

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INT. CARLO'S HOME - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Carlo in bed. He opens his eyes, turns. The Figure is nextto him in bed. Just staring.

INT. CARLO'S HOME - KITCHEN - MORNING

Carlo sits in front of a bowl of cereal. The Figure isacross from him. Just staring.

Staring.

Staring.

CARLOWhat?!?

The Figure MARCHES out of the kitchen, then MARCHES back in

with the SHIRT. Shows him the lipstick.

CARLO (cont'd)Giulietta, that's not what youthink!

She turns away, won't let him touch her.

CARLO (cont'd)She bumped into me! I was fixingher thing!

The Figure WHIRLS on him.

CARLO (cont'd)Her computer! You've got to stopthis. It's not healthy.

He starts gathering his notebook, pens...

CARLO (cont'd)I'm sorry, I have to go. Yes, toher place, but she's teaching methe citizenship test! I'm doingthat for you, don't you understand?

She holds up the BROWN OXFORDS.

CARLO (cont'd)No, the black shoes fit better.Where are they?

He finds them, puts them on.

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They both hear a TAPPING NOISE.

ANGLE ON Baby B., who is again trying to WAKE the MamaBabushka. But that doll is just a dead piece of wood.

The Figure MARCHES OVER to collect her "baby," and brings itto Carlo. Holds it out to him.

CARLO (cont'd)You want me to take the baby?

The Figure NODS.

CARLO (cont'd)You think this is what children arefor? To keep husbands honest?

The Figure stands her ground. Carlo TAKES the Baby.

CARLO (cont'd)Fine.

The Figure POINTS to the clock.

CARLO (cont'd)I don't know when!

He EXITS angrily.

EXT. CARLO'S HOME - CONTINUOUS

Carlo marches to his bicycle, strapping Baby B inside hisBELT, tightening it to keep the Baby from moving.

CARLOI know, it's tight. No more fun!No more game!

EXT. LUCY'S HOUSE - A BIT LATER

Carlo rides up to her front door, gets off and RINGS thedoorbell.

CARLO(to Baby B.)Time to work. You want me to bedeport?

(beat)And your mother driving me crazy.

(darkly)Maybe I'm already crazy.

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LUCYWhoa!

CARLOJust...a minute...

He WRESTLES himself out the back door.

EXT. LUCY'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS

He pulls the shoes off, throws them to the ground.

Looks at his hands.

They're covered in BLACK.

He picks up a shoe, wipes his finger along it.

It's the BROWN OXFORDS. The Figure polished the brown onesblack and the black ones brown.

CARLOOh. Very smart.

He GLARES at the shoes. They shuffle backwards like two dogsthat just crapped in the house.

He's about to re-enter the house, when he sees a looseflagstone in the ground. He lifts it up, then DROPS it onthe SHOES.

CARLO (cont'd)Stay.

EXT. LUCY'S HOUSE - PASSING TIME

From the front of the house, through the window, we can seeLucy tutoring Carlo...

Lucy working on her book while Carlo reads aloud from histexts.

Lucy grilling Carlo...it's not going well.

Carlo watching over Lucy's shoulder while she tries to writeher book...

Meanwhile, the light grows dimmer and dimmer as time passes,until it's NIGHT.

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INT. LUCY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

They sit on the floor in front of her fireplace, eatingChinese delivery from takeout boxes.

They're both a bit weary.

LUCYWell, I did 20 pages today. Notbad, right?

CARLOMmmm.

LUCYI mean, if you did, 20, you know,like those two sciency things thatgo BZZZ and have the sparks between

them, and in one day? That wouldbe a good day for you, right?

CARLOI like the way you talk! Manywords, I never hear these words!Sciency!

LUCYYou make me feel very comfortableabout being stupid.

CARLOThank you!

Lucy SMILES, then snaps back to the business at hand.

LUCYSo, you ready for the final quiz?

CARLOAny question. You go!

LUCYWhat's the capitol of Montana?

CARLOHelena.

LUCYWhat is a filibuster?

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CARLOWhen the Senator talk and talk andtalk...

LUCY

The Second Amendment?

CARLOOH! I know this...

(beat)It's the crazy one, where everyonegets to shoot each other...

LUCYRight to bear arms, you actuallysummed up that issue fairlycompletely. Okay. How manybranches of government?

CARLOThree! Legislative. Executive.

LUCYAnd?

CARLO(beat)

Lincoln?

LUCYJudiciary.

Carlo SIGHS with impatience.

CARLOI think it's Lincoln.

LucyLook. The government is the body.First, the mind. Thinks a thought."Carlo didn't study enough. SpankCarlo." A law. Legislative.

CarloSpank?

LUCYMy body puts it into action.Executive.

(she raises her hand)

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CONTINUED


74/111

But...the judiciary, the moralcenter, the heart and soul ofgovernment, says "No. Do not spankCarlo. That would be wrong."

CARLO

(beat)It's not always wrong...

LUCYAnd the best part is...

(grabs his shoulders)It has NOTHING TO DO with LINCOLN.

CARLOYou know, that's very good. Iremember this now.

(beat)You should put that in the book.

LUCYYeah, well, the book is a littlemore complicated than that.

CARLOWhy?

She opens her mouth, then shuts it. Suddenly is hit with aburst of inspiration.

LUCYYou're RIGHT. It IS that simple!The whole mind body soul trinity,the role of the Church in earlyAmerican politics, Jonathan Edwardswith the spider, the thread, God'swrath...you're right! It's beenthere the whole time! That's mytheme! That's the key to the book!Thank you! Thank you!

She grabs his face and gives him a fast KISS.

Then, surprising even us as we write it, she grabs his face

AGAIN and really KISSES HIM...

The two fall back onto the rug, kissing for dearlife...fumbling at each other like two people who are verymuch out of practice.

CARLOWait...that goes...

73.

CONTINUED: (2)

LUCY (cont'd)

CONTINUED


75/111

LUCYNo, the other way...yeah...

CARLOWhat was that?

LUCYI think your belt.

CARLOOh...okay...

More KISSING....

LUCYOh....oh...

Then Lucy SCREAMS!

LUCY (cont'd)Bug!

CARLOWhat?

Carlo looks down, sees his BELT is undone. Uh oh....

LUCYIt was ON ME!!! AAAH!

Lucy JUMPS UP, grabs the iron fireplace shovel, and RUNSafter the "bug."

Carlo sees it's Baby B.

CARLOWait!

WHAM! Lucy is trying to kill the little thing squirmingunder and around enough stuff that from her POV, it DOES looklike a ROACH.

Carlo gets up to stop her, and his pants drop. Lucy turns.

LUCYYeah, I know, just a second!

She corners it under a little paper bag, poises to strike...

CARLONo!

74.

CONTINUED: (3)

CONTINUED


76/111

WHAM!!!!

She lifts the shovel up. Nothing's moving.

LUCY

Got him.

Carlo DROPS to his knees, CRYING LIKE A BABY.

CARLOOH GOD! NO!

Lucy's jaw drops.

CARLO (cont'd)He was only a baby!!!!

LUCY

It was a bug. It wasn't wearing adiaper or anything...

CARLO(bawling)

Innocence! A child's love!Silenced forever!

LUCYAre you in PETA?

CARLO(cries out to heaven)

I send his soul to You, oh Jesus!

LUCY(mutters to herself)

I am never going to get laid.

Carlo looks over at Lucy, then COCKS his head...odd...

There's something SQUIRMING in her hair. Baby B. emergesatop her head.

CARLO

Ah!

Carlo RUNS to LUCY and GRABS at Baby B., capturing him. Butas far as Lucy can tell, he's just thrown himself at her andembraced her.

LUCYOkay, Carlo, you're a littleunstable, and it's freaking me out.

75.

CONTINUED: (4)

(MORE)

CONTINUED


77/111

(beat)Well, no, not really.

She begins KISSING HIM again...but this time, Carlo PULLSaway, hiding Baby B. in his pocket.

CARLOI'm sorry. I can't.

LUCYIt was A BUG!!!!!

CARLONo, it's not...

(sadly)I want to. But, my wife, she's,she was, ummm...

(beat)I need some time.

Lucy swallows her disappointment and shame.

LUCYOf course. I'm sorry. I'm noteven like that, you know. Yeah,time. I've got all the time in theworld.

Carlo nods. EXITS.

EXT. LUCY'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS

Carlo walks out in his socks to get his shoes, stroking Baby.

CARLOAre you ok?

Baby NESTLES in his hand.

CARLO (cont'd)I take you home to mommy.

Baby B. PERKS UP.

CARLO (cont'd)Your other mommy.

It SLUMPS back in his hand. Carlo SIGHS. Bends down andLIFTS the flagstone.

The shoes are GONE.

76.

CONTINUED: (5)

LUCY (cont'd)

CONTINUED


78/111

Carlo sees footprints. He follows them to the side of thehouse, then up the side of the wall to the windowsill...

OVERLOOKING the living room where he and Lucy were...

Uh oh.

The footsteps lead away from the house.

EXT. CARLO'S HOME - NIGHT

The front wheel of the bike is riding along the FOOTPRINTtrail. Right up to Carlo's FRONT DOOR.

Carlo gets off the bike. Takes a deep breath.

INT. CARLO'S HOME - CONTINUOUS

Carlo enters.

The place is a SHAMBLES. The Figure has obviously been on arampage.

Carlo walks through the mess, sees the Brown Oxfords, stillpartially camouflaged in BLACK polish.

CARLOYou two. I should cut your tonguesout.

Sure enough, the TONGUES of the Oxfords CURL back in fear.

From the kitchen, we hear a ferocious CLANGING noise.


Carlo enters to see The Figure BASHING at THE MACHINE.

CARLOGiulietta!

Carlo grabs her HAMMER away.

CARLO (cont'd)You want someone to blame, blameme. I put you in The Machine.

(beat)Giulietta, I was...I am...faithfulto you. But you have to let melive.

She STARES at him, then EXITS.

77.

CONTINUED:

CONTINUED


79/111

Carlo slumps down into a chair. This is killing him...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. KITCHEN - MOR

A Short Happy Life

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