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MyLastLoveSongonthisLittlePlanet~Atruestoryoflove,oflifelessons,breakthroughsandmiracles~
~~PREFACE~~
Thismaywellbeastoryaboutmylife.Afterall,heismylife.
Thestoryhasyettobecomplete;anditwillbe,untilIamforanyreasonunabletotypetheexperiencethatwehavehadbeenthrough.
Itsnotjustanyoldlovestory.Itsastorybetweentwolongdistancelovers,aboutastudent,aboutaMexicanmarine,aboutherandhislifeandtheirlessons
andjourneythathascreatedtheirlastlovesongonthislittleplanetcalledEarth.Itisalongread,butIbelieveitsgoingtobewellworthyourtime.Thinkofitas
readinganovelbutonline.
Illstartoffwithintroducingmyself,andmyloveOscar.Itisaboutourpastthat
madeusthewayweareandthepresentthatmadeustogether.Youcouldchoose
toskiprighttothestory,whichstartsonPage3.
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~~ABOUTTHEAUTHORJOYCE~~
ImfromHongKong,beenlivingin
NewZealandeversinceIwas3yearsold.Ihaveanolderbrotherwhois7
yearsolderthanme,mumanddadandapetdognamedSnoopy.WemovedherefromHongKongbecause
HongKongistootoughtogrowup
andtostudyat,somyparentsworkedreallyhardforourfuture.Im
prettymuchoneofthosetypicalgirlsthatseestheworldasmostlypink,
butthatdidntlastlong.Onlylasted
until6orso,whenmumstartedtobeatmeup.
Ivehadbothphysicalandmentalchildabusefrommymumuntil15,to
thepointwhereallmyself-esteemandconfidencewerestrippedaway.AsaresultIvehaddifficultiesmakingfriends,communicatingwithpeople,learning
andevenjustnormaltalking.
Atage8to10,Ivehadanothersectionofmylifesnightmare.Mybrother,being
15yearsofagetill17isrightatthegoldenageofbeingcuriousaboutawomansbodyandtheirchemicalreactions.Itbuiltanotherpartofmylifelongfearand
itsureashellmademefeeldirtyeventhoughthecasewasmild.Untiltoday,Istilllivewithhim,andmyparentsdidnothingaboutitwhenItoldthemsinceitwastoolatetodoanything.
Fromage14till19Ivehadbeenlivinginmanyvirtualworlds,whereeverythingwasperfect.Ibecameveryreliantwiththesegames,especiallyPWI(Perfect
WorldInternational)MMORPG.Ivestayedhereforthelongesttime,andhadmadethemostfriends.Therehadbeenmanyhiccupsalongtheway,soItendto
vanishonceinawhile.Imgladhowever,thatIreturnedtothegamenearthe
endof2011becausethisiswhenImetOscar.Perhapsthisistherighttimetosay,standupwhereyoufell,becauseyouwillbeabletoachievemuchmore.
Me.
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~~ABOUTMYHEROOSCAR~~
OscarcomesfromMexico,acountry
knownasthemostdangerousandthemostfearful.Everydayonthenews
youdseeanythingandeverythingthatsrelatedtodrugtrafficking,massmurders,corruptionandallthealike.I
neverknewaboutMexico,Ididnteven
haveanideawhatwasgoingonthere,nothingabouttheirDrugWarbusiness
untilImethim.
Oscarhashadatoughchildhood,athis
ownleveloftoughness.Wheneverhespeaksofhislife,Ihadtomakesurethat
everywordhesayslikepainortough
orshitwouldmeanmillionsmoredeepthanwhatweciviliansdefineitandfeel
itas.Itstotallyadifferentlevelofunderstanding,ahugedifferenceinperspectiveandonethatIwillneverbeable
tounderstandorendureuntilithappenstome.
WhenOscarwas8,hehadtoenduresomethingsimilartome,butmuchmuch
worse.Itwasalsothefirstpersonhekilled,outofself-defense,angerandsorrow.BecauseofitOscarhaddevelopedapluginhisheart,agellike
substancethatcloggeduponeofhisarteriesbecausetheoffenderwasinfected.ItwasveryinterestingtolistentohismilitarytrainingstoryItsamazinghow
weallliveinthesameworld,yethavesuchadifferentlifestyle.Hewasdumped
inajungleonhisownforsurvivaltraining,eatingrawbirds,starvationtrainingforoneweek,notoiletfor3daysandnohotwateratallduringa-2Celsius
weather.
IaskedOscarwhatmadehimsomotivated,andhavesuchabigwillpowertobe
abletosurviveallthesehardships.Itwasasimpleanswer.Hedidntwanttoseeanyonesuffer,didntwantinnocentchildrengothroughthesamethathedid,
andwantedtomakeadifferencetohisowncountry.
Hehastwoyoungerbrothers,ayoungersisterwithason,andhisparents
divorced.Hisfamilyisveryreliantonhisincomeanddontreallycareabouthiswell-being.
LuckilyhewasabletohaveInternetaccessdownatbase,wherehecouldusesomevirtualworldescapinglikeIwasableto.HealsoplayedPWI,butstarted
aroundayearlaterthanme.
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~~OURSTORYSTARTINGINPWI~~
OscarandImetinadungeonruninPWI.
Iwasanassassin,withgoodenougharmorand
weaponrytobeknownandnamedasapro4.0SageAssassin.OscarwasaBlademaster.
OurteamneededaBlademaster,soIdidashoutrecruitonachannelwhereeveryonein
thegame,wherevertheyarecansee/read,
askingforaBMtojoinourNirvanasquad.AloadofPMs(privatemessages)immediately
appearedinmychannel,linkingtheirweaponrydescriptiontomychatbox,tellingmewhatskillstheyhave,howprotheywere.Howeveronepoppedoutto
me.HisnamewasOskarGhost,himbeingOscar.Doyouhavetobe5.0apsfortherun?(aps=attackspersecond,thebestattackspeed)HewastheonlyoneIactuallybotheredtoreadandreplytoandsaid,
pfftscrewthatcrap,yourein!Iimmediatelyinvitedhimtothesquad.
Duringtherun,Oscarwashappythataproplayerinvitedhimovereveryone
elsethathadbettergearandattackspeedthanhim.Hesaid,Thanksforinvitingme.IhaveSageBelltooifitwerentforitIthinkIdhavebeenkickedoutofthe
squad.(SageBellisthehighest-leveldefensebuff).Ireplied,psh,yourenot
goingtogetkickedoutifyoureinmysquad.Ithenaddedhimtomyfriendslist,andPMedhim,There:DnowImabringyouwithmeinmyfuturenirvana
runs!^_^Hethankedmeagain,andwasgratefulofmykindness.
Aftertherunwesplitandwentanddidourownthing.Ihad4othercharacters
onevenomancer,twoclericsandoneseekerEarthguard.AfterawhileonanotherdayIplayedonmycleric,tryingtodoanotherdungeonrun.Iranintoa
fewpeoplethatwereinaguild/faction(agroupofunitedassociates,like
GriffindorinHarryPotter)calledHolyGuard.Ilikedthesepeoplebecausetheywerenice,soIaskedifIcouldjoinHolyGuard.Oncejoined,Ilookeddownthelist
ofnamesintheguildtoseeiftherewasanyonethatIknew.Tomysurprise,Oscarwasonthelist.Iforsomereasonfelthappy.
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Onanotherday,theguildwantedtodoanotherdungeonrunbutwasshortof
somepeople.Iofferedtogoonmyothercharacter,myvenomancer.SoIswitchedontomyothercharacterandusedhertoplay.Coincidently,Oscarwas
calledovertojointhesquad.Hedidntknowitwasmetillmynamerungsomebells(MyassassinsnameisFinrah,andmyvenomancersnameisFinra).
Asmoredayspass,Iquiteoftenhadtotakebreaksfromthegamebecauseofstudies.AfterthebreakIwentonlineonmycleric,andgreetedmynewonline
family.Oscarwasinamiddleofaconversationabouthiswork.Ididntpaymuch
attentiontohim,sinceIwasexcitedtoseeOscarandtoldhimIwasthatassassinhemetduringNirvana.Idontknowforwhatreason,Iwasjusthappytoseehim
online,toseehimchat.Heather,hisonlinesister(andnowmysisterinlaw)wastryingtogetmetolookathisphotosonhisFacebook,teasingOscarabouthis
hotlookswithhisbalaclavaon.ItwasthenthatIknewhewasamarinein
Mexico.
AtthetimeIhadmyFacebookaccountclosed,becauseIhadstalkersfromother
games,somefromreality,sotheonlywaytoseehisphotoswastologbackonline.IwascuriousbecauseofHeathersdescriptionssoImadeanew
account,anduploadedsomepicturesofmyownaswell.Iwenttoseehisphotosbysearchinghisname,andsaidtohiminthegamechat,Whoayoulook
handsome:3Thentoreturnthefavour,IpostedmypicturetoOscarand
Heathertoo.WhenOscarsawit,hesaid,wowyoulook..cute.Heatherwassurprisedathisreaction,becausetheOscarsheknewwouldnever
saywhatwasinhisheadrightaway.
Wesomehowthenderailedtothesubjectofwhatkindofgirlheliked,andIsaid,Ifyouwantayoungwoman,lookforanasian:Ptheydontgetoldsoquickly.Heagreed,andsaidthathelikesAsianstoo...andhopedtogetanAsiangirlfriend
becausetheMexicanladiesheseeshereisnthistype.
Nextday,Iranintoanotherconversationbetweenhimandouronlinefamily
abouthispromotionfromPFCtoCPL.Thiswasoneofthoseconversationsthatmadeanimpressioninourminds.
Me: WhatsPFC?Him: PrivateFirstClass.
Me: OooandwhatsCPL?Him: Corporal.
Me: Doesthatmeanitsmoredangerousforyou?
Him: YesandnoMe: Dontdieonme.
Him: Lol,Iwont.
Me: Promise?Him: Yea,promise.
Onanotherdayofrunningintoaconversationbetweenhimandthefamily,he
wasbeingemoandtalkingaboutpeopledying.Whatstuckoutwaswhenhesaidwelldoesntmatteranyways.Itsnotliketheyarethefirstonestodie.I
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immediatelygotpissedoff,andwasmadathimforbeingemo.Iyelledathim,
andloggedoffthegame.Inanhourorso,Iwentbackonlineafterhavingsomechill-outtime,becauseforsomereasonIwasboughttotearswhenhesaidthat.I
didntwanttoloseafriend,becauseitshardformetogainfriends.WhenIsignedinIhadaletterinmymailbox,andIwentandreadit.Hewasapologizing
formessingupandbeingemo,andthathewouldntdoitagain.Irememberedatimewherehementionedhelikedthishelmetinthefashionsectionofourgameboutiqueshop,soIwentandboughtitandsentittohimtocheerhisgloomyself
up.Hewasthankfulforthehelmet,andsaidhellkeepitwithhimalwaysasa
reminderofthislesson.
AfterawhileIvanishedforanother2monthsorsobecauseofstudies,butthistimeIhadmyshopcharacteronlinecalledFinshop.WhileIwascheckingtosee
ifIgotanybusiness,coincidentlyOscarwentpassedmyshop.Iimmediately
PMedhimaHiandtoldhimIwasFin.HewashappyandalsosurprisedthatIrememberedhim,andevenbotheredtotalktohimwhenIcouldhaveignored.
Duringanotherbreak,IwentontomyEarthguardSeekercalledLufiahandwantedtoexplorethenewmapthatthegamehadjustreleased.BeforeIdidthat,
Iloggedontoallmycharactersatonceall5ofthem.Thegamewasnolongeraplacetojustplayandjoininevents,butalsoaplacewhereIgettochillandhang
outwithfriends.IaskedOscarifhewasfreetohangout,andtoldhimtocometo
theAuctioneersdownsouthofArchosaur,thebigmaincityofthegametocheckoutmygamecharacters.Ididaminiparadearoundhimwhenhearrived,andI
casuallyoutofthebluesaid,Oscar!Chooseonetobeyourwife!Hewassurprised,buthegotonwithitanyways.Hesaidallareaworkofart,andthey
areallyou,butifIreallyhavetochooseIthinkitwouldbeyourSeekerbutthenImetyouonyourassassinfirstsoprobablyyourassassinIlaughed,andaskedhimifhewasfreetotraveltoTellusCity,thenewmapwithmetoexplore
thegamedesign.HesaidhewasfreesoweflewtoTellustogether.
TherewasaplaceinTelluswhereitwasallsnowy,calledtheGelidPlateau.We
flewontopofatowerandsatdowntogether.Oncehesat,Isatdown.Anotherconversationthatleftamarkinourminds:
Him: IjustnoticedthatourhandsaretouchingMe: o_ooopssorry!
(Igotupandmovedawayfromhimabit,andsatdownagain)Him: IneversaidIdidntlikeit...
Me: lol..(speechless)
WegotupandexploredabitmorearoundTellus,andthenIsuggestedwe
shouldgotoRagingTides(thecityofthemermaids)foravisit,becauseIhavent
hadathoroughvisitthere.
Whenwereachedthere,hesuddenlysaidhewantedtotalktomeandtellmesomething.Sowesatdownnearbyunderatreethatwaskindofhalfdead,not
themostromanticplace(andthatplacewascalledlike,somethingBloodsomething)butitsnowclaimedasourspot.
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Underthistreewaswhereitallstarted.
Him: Iusedtothinkthatlovewasacomplicatedthingbutitsnotthat
complicated
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah.Seemsmyfortuneisrightlikeadragon...youwillbeproudand
lonelyandIllneverunderstanditverywell.Wellatleast,Ishouldtakeitoutfrommychest;itwonthurtsohardifItakeitout
IhaveacrushonyouthoughIalreadyknowwhatsnextIpreferjusttotakeitout
Me: *surprisedandspeechless*
Itwasamomentofsurprise,becauseIneverknewOscarfeltthatwayforme.AtthetimeIwasatthestagewhereIvehadenoughofrelationships,especially
LDRs,andthoughtthistimeroundImgoingtogoforaphysicalrelationship,as
itisnormalandhealthier.Ionlylikedhimmorethanjustafriendatthetime,soIdidntknowexactlywhattosay.
AlthoughIdidntlovehimatthatmoment,Istillwantedtogivehim,andgivemyselfachanceandthis,wouldbeourlastchance.Ashesays,thiswouldbe
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thelasttimetogethumiliatedlikehowhisex-girlfrienddidtohim,whichalso
causedhimtoloseafriendslifeprotectinghimfromsuicide-andlikeIsaidtohimtoo,itwouldbemylastrelationship;oratleast,thelastLDR.Ifitdoesnt
workout,therewouldntbeanotherone.IgaveusachancebecauseIfeltthathewassomeonewhowonthurtmeforbeingamarine,someonewhowouldstay
truetome,givemewhatIwant,andletmegivewhatIwanttogive.Hesgotnothingtolose,andhadnoreasontothrowsomeonehelovesaway.Healreadygavemeasenseofsecurityforwhathewas.
Me: Oscarrightnow,Ionlylikeyoumorethanjustafriend,butIdontloveyouyet.IwilltellyouwhenIstarttofallinlovewithyoualright?
Him: SuretakeyourtimeIwillwaitforyounomatterhowlongyoutake.
Me: So.Isnttheresomethingyouneedtoaskme?xD
Him: :DFinwillyoubemygirlfriend?
Me: *pausesforamomenttomakesuspension*Yes
Oscarwasoverjoyed.Wethenannouncedthatweweretogetherbymecalling
HeathersisterinlawandourbrotherChadbrotherinlaw.David(anotherbrotherinlaw)wasofflineatthetimebutwewereplanningtogetabooze
somewhere.AlthoughOscarunderstoodIdontlovehimatthetime,hewasalreadyreallyhappytogetthechancetoprovehimselfworthyofmylove.
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~~FROMPWI,TOSKYPE~~
Afterthatdayofconfession,wespentalotoftimetogetheringame,asiftime
hadstopped.OvertimeIlearnedmoreabouthim,andweneverhadany
argumentsyet.Everydaywespendtimetogether,observinghowheislike,gettingtoknowhimmore.Ilikedhimlittlebylittle,andthoughtweshouldreach
thenextstepifwearegoingtotakethisseriouslybecauseIalreadystartedtofeelthatImfallingforhim.IaskedOscarifhehadSkype,andtoldhimweshould
startchattingonSkype.ThefirsttimeIheardhisvoice,IdidntgetthefeelinglikeIlandedonthewrong
boatandIwasinthemiddleoftheocean,nowheretoescapewithouthurting
him.IwasgladImadethatmove,becausehisvoicewassonicetolistento.Hewasnervous,talkingaboutlotsofthings,eventotopicslikeeatingpies.
Wespentquitesometimejustvoicechatting,novideos.Voicechatwasthefirst
steptoprogression,andthenthenextwouldbevideo.Ihadtomakesurehewas
reallythepersonIwouldgivemylifetobeforeIrevealmyselftoomuchtohim,andIwasalsoveryshy.
ItwasntrightawaythatIknewwhatexactlyhedoesIknowhesamarine,but
Idontknowwhathedoesexactlyoverthere.SoIaskedhimthingsIwantedto
know.Iaskedhimwhathedoesasamarine,andheexplainsthathegoesagainstthesepeoplecallednarcos,whoaredrugtraffickers.Itwasonlythen,tillIrealize
thattherewasthisDrugWargoingoninMexicoforsomanyyears,andIhave
beenblindedandkeptawayfromitbecauseImdownunderinNewZealand,mindingmyownassonly.ThemoreIhearhimtalkabouthisexperienceand
knewabouthim,themoreIfellforhim.Heisinmyeyes,suchahero.Wetradedinformationaboutourpast,justgettingtolearnabouteachothermoresowecan
understandeachotherbetter,anddeveloptherelationshipfurther.
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BeforewegotoffSkype,hesaidhisfirstIloveyoutomewithhisvoice.ThenI
replied,Iloveyoutoo.
WesometimeshadMSNsessions,butitgotoutdatedandweswitchedtoSkypeforthemostpart.ItwasonMSNwherehesentmelotsofsongslikeCatalyst
fromLinkinPark,HeroofWarfromRiseAgainst,etc.Fromthenwestartedtoskypeeveryday,andIautomaticallylearnthissleeping
times,hisworkingtimesandhisgamingtimes.Gamingtimeisthesameas
spendingtimewithmewellbeonskypeandonPWIatthesametime,doingdungeonrunsandflyingalloverthemap,enjoyingourselves.
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~~OSCARSSTORIESINTHEMILITARY~~
Ioftenwonderwhyhesalwaysseemsohappywhenhecomeshomefromalongdayofwork,whenIassumehesnotsupposedtobehappy.Iknowhesprobably
happytoseeandbewithme,butforsomereason,heseemstobehidingthings.IfIdidntpokeathimenough,hewouldnthavetoldmethehardshipandhorror
hehadontheday.ThereweresituationswhereImadehimsaywhatwasworryingandtroublinghismind.IwasntsureifIwassupposedtomakehim
spill,butallIknowisIcannotlethimsuckallthepaininandlethimdealwithit
onhisown,becausemylifewasnolongerjustmine,andhislifewasnolongerjusthisorhiscountries,butalsopartofme.
Hetoldmethathekilledafatherofachild,andahusbandofawifebecausehe
wasassociatedwiththenarcos.Hewasreallyupset,notbecausehewasslappedandbeinghitbythewife,butbecausehemadeafamilyfallapart,whenthehusbandonlywantedtogetmoneyforthefamily.Heunderstood,butthisisthe
choiceofwhatsrightandwhatswrong,andterminatingnarcoswashisjob.He
hadtofacemanypeoplethatverballyabusedhimforwhathedid,andhehadtotakeitallinandnotsayaword,eventhoughhewasjustdoinghisjob,anddoing
therightthing.
Onanotherday,therewasacrossfirebattlebetweenagroupofnarcosandhis
teammatesincludinghimself.Alittlegirlwasinthemiddleofthecrossfire,so
Oscardidntthinktwicebutdashedout,pickedupthegirltosaveher.Hepromisedherhedbringhertosafety.Unfortunately,becauseOscarhadbeen
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overworkinghisbody,hislegssuddenlycollapsedandcouldnotmove.Thegirl
gotshot,anddiedinOscarshands.Hewasshocked,terrified,andwasbrokenseeingthelittlegirldieinhishands,staringathimwiththoseeyesthathell
neverbeabletoforget.Hewasntsurewhethershemisunderstoodwhathappenedorknewwhatreallyhappenedtohislegs.Thisleadthecivilianswhom
histeamandhimselfwereprotectingtothinkOscarusedherasameatshield.Heyetagain,hadtofaceacrowdofpeoplesabuse,morns,andphysicalattacks.Histeammatesgothimoutofit,buthewasmorethanhappytobebetupforwhat
happenedtothegirl.
Oscaralwayshasdreamsofthosefacesthathekilled.Wheneverhecloseshis
eyes,thesmell,thestaresandthesoundofthedeathsofthosepeopledriveshimcrazy.Hehasithardtosleep,anditreallyhurtsmyhearttoseehimlikethis.I
feltsosorryforhim,andfeltthatIreallywanttoprotectthisman.Ialsofelt
upsetaboutnotknowinganyofthisbeforeImethimandfeltsoashamed.
Ononeofhismissions,therewerealotofexplosionsfromgrenades.Hecamebackwounded,withglassandmetalfragmentsinsidehisleg,buthepretended
hewasfineandhetriedtohidewhathappened,becausehedidntwantmetoworry.Ihadtogoawayfrommycomputerforabriefmomentbecausemymum
calledme.WhenIcameback,Irealizedhismicrophonewasonmute.Iasked
whathappened,andwhywasheonmute.Hejustsaid,nothingbaby.Imadehimspill,becausetherewassomethingtothattoneofvoicethatmademe
scarednotbecauseitwascreepy,butitsoundedlikehewasbadlyhurt.Hefinallytoldmewhathappened.Hemutedbecausehedidntwantmetohearhim
suffer.Hetoldmetherewerebrokenfragmentsofglassandmetalinsidehisthigh,andtherewasnomedicaroundtohelphimextractthem,sohehadtodoitbeforeitstartscontaminatinginsidehisbody.Iwasshocked,andthiswas
beyondwhatasanehumancandotohimself.Healsodidntwantmetoget
frightened;hedidntwantmetobeexposedtotheHellsoflife.Therefore,hetooktheopportunitytocurehimselfwhenIwasawaysoIwontbeinfluenced
andbepartofthishorrorweciviliansconsider,tobedoneuponourselves.Buthewasntdoneyet.HewasabouttomutethemicrophoneagaintillIstopped
himandsaidthatIwantedtohearhim.Iadmititsthefirsttimetobeexposedto
this,andIwoulddefinitelybehorrifiedifIsawwhathewasdoingtohimself,butifIcantevenstandthesoundsthentheresnowayIcouldeverunderstandhim
andlovehimenough.SoIaskedhimtonotmutehimself,Iwantedtobetherewithhimwhenhesgoingthroughthepain.Becausehewaslackingofproper
medicaltools,hehadtousehistwinbladeknifethatwasnotsanitized,which
alsohadbloodstainsofnarcosbloodonthemtocutopenhisleg.Next,hetookapen,tooktheinkoutandusedthecasetopokeoutthefragmentsoutofhisleg
sincehehadnotweezers.Thenhehadtochecktoseeifallfragmentsareoutof
hislegbutwigglinghisfingeraroundinsidethecut,andthensewedhislegtogetherwithaneedleandthread.DuringthecourseoftheoperationIwas
utterlyterrifiedatallthepainhehadtobear,becauseitisjustunbearableifitweretobeme.Thesoundsofhisbreathingmademefeelsosmall.Therewasno
anestheticeither.Helookedathimself,andthensuddenlystartedlaughinghysterically.Iaskedwhyhesuddenlylaughinglikethat,andaskedifhewas
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feelingalright,thenhesaidImnotahumanImnotafuckinghuman,
hahahahahaandthensuddenlystartedtocry.Hetoldmehismateswerestayingawayfromhimandgivinghimthoselooks,becauseofwhathecandoto
himself,callinghimamonster.
Itsnotallabouthowhesuffersinthearmythough,thoughitneverends.ThepleasantthingIcantalkaboutishisteammate,wholikestopissOscaroffwithhismusicbyplayingthesamefewsongseveryday,everynight.Oscarwouldget
somadthathedgetupandpunchhimintheface,tellinghimtogetlostandplay
itsomewhereelse.
Oscarstartedtochangeaswell,whenhebecamemoreloving,andalwayshadasweetlookonhisfacewheneverhethinksaboutme.Healsobecamesoftertohis
teammates,butthatleadhimtobeingteased.Hestuckaphotoofmeinsideof
hishelmet,andtime-to-timehewouldtakehishelmetoffandstareatmyphoto,inhisdorm,intheVTR,duringbreakortraveling.Onetimeoneofhisteammates
snatchedhishelmet,andtosseditaroundtheroomthrowingittoother
teammates.Oscargotfurious,becausetheyweremakingfunofme,funofus.Ohhhlook,anasiangirl!WoohooO~!Oscargotintoafightwiththem,and
punchedhimtogetthehelmetback.Becausehedidntwanthisstufftobemessedwithagain,hemovedtotheammostorageroomtosleep,wherethere
wasabsolutelynothingbutarmoryandweaponry.HeusedhisKevlartosleepon
asapillow,sleepingonthefloor.Whentheweatheriscold,thewindwouldtravelthroughthecracksoftheirondoor,gettingtoOscar,makinghimsick.
IhadnoideawhataKevlarwas,tillhetoldmetogoogleimagethem.Itdidnt
lookatallcomfortable,andIwasconcernedabouthisneck.SoIdidsomeresearchonhowtomakeabolster,andmadehimmyfirstwaterproofbolsterandsentittohim.Ialsocutasectionofmylonghairtoputinsidethebolsterfor
goodluck.LaterIsenthimanotherparcel,withaloadofmedicationlotsoffirst
aiditems,tweezers,scissors,creams,warmclothingandsanitizers.
HealsogotdegradedfrombeingaCorporalbacktoaPrivateFirstClassbecauseoneofhisteammateswantedarevengeonhim,andmadesomefalsechargeson
him.HedidlaterearnedhisCorporalpositionback,butitdidntendthere,the
secondcorporalthatwaspartofhisteamgotontohisassevenmorethefollowingdays.
Yetanotherfightoverme,discouragingOscarthattherelationshipbetweenhim
andIwasnotpossible.SayingIwillfindsomeoneelsehereinreallife,livea
betterlifeandwilldumphimrealsoon.Oscargotagitatedandstartedtohaveaphysicalfight.Forsomereason,thesecondcorporalsomehowknewabouthis
ex-girlfriendaswell,andaddedtothedamageofhowhefailsatlongdistance
relationships,andthiswontbeanydifferentwithme.
OvertimeitsreallyeasytoreadwhatisgoingonwithOscar.Wheneverheshidingsomething,Icanfeelanddetectit.Iwouldnthaveknownaboutthese
fightsifIdidntdetectitfromhiswayofspeech.UptothispointIwasreadyforhimtoseemeonwebcam.
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Me: Osky,youwanttoseemeoncam?Him: surewhynot?
Me: Ithinkyoullbefreakedoutthough*turnsthecameraon*Him: andwhywou-(hestutteredandwaslostinwords,thenasuddenchange
oftone)whywouldIbefreakedout?Later,IwasabletomeethiscoachandhisLieutenant.Iwasntallowedtosee
thembecauseOscarwasatbase,andwebcamswerestrictlyforbidden.Atleast
Oscarcouldseemethough,andnotonlyhimbutalsohisteammatestoo.TheysawmeenoughtoknowthatImtheoneforOscar,andhestheoneforme.
Oscarscoachisafemale,whotaughthimSystemaandKravMaga.SheisthewifeofhisLieutenant,andthem3aregreatfriends.Thebothalwayslookoutforhim.
ThesecondinchargeCorporaldidntjustgiveuponpissingOscaroffthough,butdidallhecouldtogethimintotrouble.TherewasamissionwhereOscarhadto
lockupanarcointothebackofthevan,andbringhimbacktobase.Howeverthe
narcowasabletoescape.Oscarimmediatelybecameundersuspicionoflettingthenarcogo,andthesecondcorporalaccusedOscartobeabetrayerofthe
military.Heendedupgoingtothemartialcourts,seeingifhellgetpenalizedforlettingthenarcoescape.Thecorporalstartedtobringmeintothecourt,saying
thatOscarissuspiciousbecauseheconstantlytalkswithmeonSkype.Oscar
foughtformeincourt,andfortunatelyhislieutenantandhiscoachstoodbyhissideandbackedhimup,becausebothofthemhadseenmeoncamera,andboth
knewofmetobeasafepersontobewithandcausednothreattoanything,andhadgotnothingtodowiththis.Theyendedupfindingtheculpritandhegot
imprisoned.IttookawhiletohaveOscarsteammatessettledownwithalltheteasing
betweenOscarandI,drivinghimnutswithallthediscouragingandtryingto
makehimsuffer.Therewasonenighthewasreallyshockedatwhathediscoveredonhistableinadraweritwashisfiles.Hisidentityfiles,hisstatus,
hisbringup,hisrecordsandhishistoryandanexperimentresult.Apparently,OscarsgrandfatherhadconnectionswiththeGeneral,andplannedaMilitary
trainingcoursearoundOscarsothathecanbecomeakillingmachine.Hewas
oneofthemanycandidatesthatwereputintoexperiment,toseetheresultsofwhatthemilitarytrainingcanprovide.Thisincludedbrainwashingtechniques.
Oscarwasoftenbrainwashedwithnumbers,eithertogiveadrivetohimsothathecankillmoreefficiently,orbrainwashtoforgetcertainthingsorchangethe
wayhefunctioned,andthethingsthathebelieved.Heknewhewasonlyatoolto
hiscountry,butnotsomuchtothestageofakillingmachine.Hewasshockedtolearnthathesbeentreatedasanexperiment,andahighlysuccessfulone,which
gavethereasonwhyhecouldcurehimself,beingabletosustainsomuchpain
andwasbeingcalledamonster.
Hewashesitanttotellmethis,becausehewastooafraidhewouldloseme.ButasusualIwasabletomakehimspillwithjustafewnudges.Iadvisedhimtotalk
tohisGeneralaboutthis,andforthemostpartfindoutwhyhisfileswerejust
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lyinginthestorageroomsdrawer.Itsasifsomeonedeliberatelyputittherefor
himtosee,sohewillhaveanothermentalbreakdown.
ThenextdayIkissedOscarbestofluckwhenhemarcheddowntohisGeneralsoffice.Thereweretwoguardsatthedoorleadinghimin.Oscaraskedaboutthis
wholeexperimentprogramandwhatwasitallabout,buthecouldntgetananswertowhowastheonethatputhisfileinhisdeskdrawer.HisGeneraltoldhimthathewantedtoturnhimintoakillingmachine,andaccordingtothe
resultstheexperimentwashighlysuccessful,onlysometweakinghereandthere
tomakehimabetterkiller.Oscarstartedtoflameathimandsaidhehadnorightstomesswithhismind,andheisnotgoingtobeakillingmachine.His
Generalremindedhimhewasnothingbutadogofwar,andthisexperimentwouldvehelpedhimexecutemissionseasierwhenhecanfeelnopain,andhes
theonemakingithardforhisselftohaveaheartforlovingme.Oscarfuriously
drewhisgunoutandpointeditathisGeneralshead.Instantly,theGeneralsguardsthrewhimtothefloorandbeathimupforinsultingtheGeneral.Hecame
backtomeandtoldmeaboutthisincidentindetail.Hewassoproudthathe
insultedhisGeneralandyelledathisface.Icommentedhecouldvebeenkilledifhewasoverlyreckless,buthereplied,Psh,hecantkillme.Iwasthinkingthat
ifitwerentforme,heprobablywouldnthavechosentobeahumanbutgoneaheadwiththeplanasakillingmachine.
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~~HISLIFE,MYLIFE~~
Oscarhadalwaysbeenonthesespecialpillsforhishearteversincetheincident
thathappenedwhenhewas8.Hequiteoftenattendstothemedictohaveacheckathowthegelisdoinginhisartery.Theplugwasexpandingandwas
cloggingalotmorespace.Hismedictoldhimhehadnomorethan10yearstolive,ifthisconditionpersists.Hewasabouttorunoutofthepills,andtherewereonlytwowaystogetthepills.OnewasthroughhisGeneral,andtheotherwas
payingalocaldoubletheamountofmoney.Itmustbeapilladay.Hecouldnot
skipthismedicine,orhewillhaveaheartattack.HeaskedtoorderthepillsfromtheGeneralinadvanceandheagreedtogetitordered;butitnevergottohim.
OscaralreadysawitcomingsinceheknewtheGeneralhatedhim,sohetookhischancetogoouttothelocalmedicandgetthepills,payingdoubletheprice.
Theywereveryexpensive,butinordertosurvive,itshisonlyway.
AugustwasthemonthwhereIgottoseehimonwebcamforthefirsttime.Itwas
hisbirthday,sohewasallowedtogohomeforabreak.ThefirsttimeIsawhim
onewordonlygottome.JACKPOT.HenotonlyhasawonderfulpersonalitythatnowIvefinallyfullyfallenfor,butalsoveryhandsome.Inoticedhewasa
littlenervouswhenhekeptongigglingatmyreaction,andtoldmehefeltthesamewaywhenhefirstsawme.Hewasdragginganohmygodoutloudfora
verylongtime,becausehecouldntbelievehehadsuchabeautifulgirlfriend.
Hewasntallowedtostayforlong,soreallysoonhehadtomovebacktobase.It
wasanamazingexperience,whenwecouldfinallyseeeachothertogetheratthesametime.Healsogotmetwochococatsandoneblackangrybird.Oneisnamed
ChocoOsky,andtheotherisnamedChocoFinny.ChocoFinnyhasacloveronherrightfoot,whichwasthereasonwhyOscarpickedher.
Whenhewentback,hehadtochangehisschedulearound,becausewehavea
differenceof3hoursand1day,to4hoursand1dayto5hoursand1day.HewouldchangehisschedulearoundsothathellbeherewhenImhome,andbe
workingwhenImatuniversity.Quiteoftenneartheendoftheyear,wehavebigprojectstohandin,soOscarwouldbeonSkypewithmeworkingonhisreports,
andIwillbedoingmyDigitalDesignproject.Timetotimehewouldsendmea
kiss,andthatimmediatelyknocksmeoutofmyfocus.
SoonwegotmarriedinPWIonDecemberthe15th,withalegitweddingceremonywecreatedforourselves,havingaproperweddingring,awedding
dress,theoathandtheaudience.Itwassuchawonderfulday,becauseitran
throughsosmoothly.Oscaractuallyhadtorushbacktobasetogetmarried,andheluckilymadeitintime.
IfullyquittedPWIafterawhilewhenIneededtoberealseriousaboutmyfuture,becauseIdontwantmyaddictiontogetthebestofmeandmesswithmy
studies.Ialsowantedtogettoknowhimmoreandinteractwithhimmoreinreality,notviathegame.Mygoalwastograduate,getajobandsaveupforus.I
cannotaffordstudyinganotheryearifIweretofailanypapers.LeavingthegamehoweverfeltlikeIwasleavinghim.
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Westartedarguinginto8monthsofourrelationship.Weargueaboutthemoststupidthings,and95%ofthetimeitsaboutthegameandthepeoplethereeven
thoughIwasnolongerplaying.IfeltthatIvedumpedhimthereonhisowneventhoughIvebeenalwayshereonSkypewithhim,includingthecam.We
couldntdoanymoredungeonrunslikeweusedtoasworkwasdemanding,andIhadtodowell.Therewerebreaksofcourse,buttoavoidgettingaddictedagainIhadtoholdstrongforthebetter.Heunderstoodme,butIcanthelpfeelingbad
aboutiteventillnow.
Icouldbarelyrememberwhatelsewearguedabout,butitdidgoquiteserious
whenOscarsbloodpressurerose.Hehadapressureattackbecauseheforgottotakehispillsontime,becausewewerearguing.Forsomereasonhispillswere
gonefromwhereheusedtokeepit,andlaterfounditintherubbishbin.
Howeverhewasalreadystrugglingwiththeattack,crashingonthefloorasifafishisabouttogiveupbecausetherewasnowatertobreathe.Theonlywayfor
himtogetbacktogetherwastoinjectanadrenalineneedleintohisbody.Since
hewasstrugglingtocontrolhimself,theneedlesnappedinsidehisarm.Hesworeandhadtograbhisknifeagain,slitopenhisarmandpullouttheneedle
beforeitmovedanywhereelse.Thenheusedalightertoburnbackhisslittogether.
Ialsohadhyperventilationattacksbecauseofmymindbeingunstable,being
confusedwithwhatistrueandwhatisnt,whatmatteredandwhatdidnt,whatproblemsIvecausedhimbecauseofmyworriesandconstantnegative
statementsthrownatmefrommymum,andthepeoplethatkeptontellingmethisrelationshipwontworkoutjustallcametomeatonce.ItworriesOscaralotwhenIhavehyperventilationattacks,becauseitremindshimofthosepeople
whoareabouttodie.
Weneverletargumentsgoovernight.Evenifitcostshimonenightsleep,ora
latenightforme,wewouldneverletanargumentunsolved.Ourargumentsonlygosofartillitdidntmatterwhowasrightandwhowaswrong,becausewhat
wasimportantwashishealth.Wecanscreamateachotherbutitwouldalways
endupproblemsolved.Therewasonenightwherewehadanintensefight,whereIendedupintearsandwasreallyangrywithhim.Everytimewehavea
fightthough,bothofuswouldapologize.Iwouldapologizefortheargument,andhewouldapologizefortheargumenttooandalsohisbadtemper.Italmostfelt
likeasintohavehimapologizetome,becauseIunderstandwhyhehadsucha
temper.
Withargumentsdelayingmyworkandoursleep,hewaitedformetoget
finished.HefellasleeponskypewhileIwasfinishingoff,withagradualsofttunethatstartedtocomethroughmyearcanals.Ivehadneverheardsuchbeautiful
snoringbefore,andIwouldlovetohearitforallmylife.Itwasthesoundofbeingalive,withthelookofacorpse.Heisfinallyhavingagoodrestfromallthe
Hellhesbeenthroughtheday,andIfeltasifIwasrightbesidehiminreality.It
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wasjustlikeasweetlullaby.After20minutesorso,Oscarsuddenlywokeup
fromhissleepjustalittlebit,andcalledme.Hemutteredwithasleepyvoice,
Him: BabyMe: yesmylove?
Him: Iloveyou. (Fallsbacktosleepandstartedtosnoreagain)
Atthatmoment...tearsrandownmyface.Wevejusthadaheatedargument,we
bothwerestillrecoveringfromyellingateachother,butevenwhilehessleepinghehadmeinhismind.IfeltsobadforarguingwithhimIcouldnt
believethatIwasevenyellingathim.Itsamazinghowmuchwemeantoeachother.
BecauseIwasgettingconstantlybusy,hewantedtoloadhisschedulewithmoreworksohewouldntbeinthewayofmeorbesittingarounddoingnothing.
HoweverhisCaptainmanagedtoinjurehislegsohedhavetostaybehindand
recoverhimselffullyandgetmorerestbeforehecouldgetbacktoaction.Hestillmanagedtodowork,thoughitsnotatallpleasant.Hehadtogothroughrape
videosandmakereportsonthem.Beforehewasonitwehadanotherargument,whichalwaysoriginatefrommisunderstandings,andonthesubjectmatterof
oppressionsoithithimevenharder.Becausehewasalsoavictimhimself,he
couldnotstandwatchingrapevideos.Togetherwiththememoryofthepainfromthepast,ourargumentandthevideowiththesoundsandgraphics,hehad
amentalcrashandinstantlystoodup,drewhispistoltohisheadreadytopushthetrigger.Luckilyhisteammatesthatwereinthesameroomsawwhatwas
happeningandimmediatelyjumpedonhimandtookhimtothetherapist.Hetoldthetherapistwhatwasgoingoninhismind,andhowhecouldbea
betterboyfriend.Heaskedthetherapisttofixhim,sothathecouldbeless
paranoid,lesscaringandlesspossessiveofmesoIgettobreathe,andnotfeellikeheisoppressingme.
Hecamebacktome,indeedwithsomechanges.Istartedtofeelscared,becauseI
neverwantedhimtogounderthebrainwashtherapyeveragain.Hetoldme
beforehehatedbrainwashing,seeingallthenumbersandseeingwhatitdoestohim...buthediditformysake.Icouldnthelpmyselfbuttocry,andapologizing
tohimbecauseIdidntwanthimtochange.Ilovedhisflaws,andevenifhewastochange,itshouldbedoneundernaturalmethodsinsteadofbrainwashing.I
remindedhimthatheisnotamachine;youcantjusttakechipsoutofyourhead
andalteryourselflikethat.HeaskedifIwantedhimtogoandchangehimselfback,butIrefusedforhimtodosobecauseitsjustwrongtobeabletoalterand
changethewaysomeoneis.Iwasalsoscaredthatthebrainwashingmightaffect
hismemoryofme.IvealreadyexperiencedanightmarewhereOscarcompletelyforgotwhoIwas,andwasreallycoldtomeandactedlikeheneverhadknown
meandthathewaslovingsomeoneelse.Iwokeupcryingreallybadlyinthemiddleofthenight,wakingmybrotherupfromtheotherroom.
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~~MOREMOMENTSTILLPRESENT~~
Fearisalwaysthefirst
emotiontostrikewhenyouknowyourmanisrecklessand
thinkshesabadass.Itdefinitelydoesntaddtothesecurityeitherwhenyoure
working,hesuddenlygives
youatextmessagetellingyoutoliveon,andtoforgetabout
him.Iimmediatelysnapped,stoppedwhatIwasdoingand
gavehimatextbacktohim.
Noreply.Ithenrunghim6times,nopickup.Iwasconvincedthathewasdead.Icriedandcriedlikeno
tomorrow,luckilynoonewasathometobotherme.Screamingatthetopofmy
lungsthathesgone,IthoughtIveoughttogivehimaproperrecognitionthatIonlybelongedtohim,whetherhesdeadoralive.IhoppedontoFacebook,
changedmystatusfromengagedtomarried,andaddedhislast-nameontomyfirst-name.Itsuckedthathehadtoagreewiththestatuschangeinordertosee
theeffect,butitssomethingIdiddo.Suddenlyafterawhile,mystatuschange
gotagreed.IwasoverjoyedwasitreallyOscar?Iaskedmyself.Hemessagedmeandapologizedtomeandsaidhellexplaineverythingwhenhecomesback
home.Iwassorelieved,sohappy,andcriedagainthistimebecauseIwassohappyhewasalive.WhathappenedwasOscarandhisteamwasfacingagroup
ofnarcos,whowantedtonegotiateacompromise,andaskedforarepresentativetowalkoutandtalk.Noonedaredtowalkout,becausetheyknewthenarcoswouldshoot.Beingthecorporal,Oscarknewhedbetheoneto
go.ItwasatthismomentOscartextedmethemessage,andthenwalkedout.
OscarwalkedstraighttowardstheNarcosandthenarcosstartedfiringathim.OscarwentcrazyandyelledYOUCANTKILLME!andshotatthenarcos,along
withthehelpofhisteammatesfrombehind.Oscarwasmadeasthemeatshield,butfortunatelyhewasnotshotatanyvitalplace.
Hestartedtodobodyguardinginsteadoffrontlineactiondutiesjusttokeepmy
mindateasebutIknewitwasdefinitelysomethingfartooboringforaguylikehimtodo.NotthatIwanttopushhimtothefrontline,butknowinghimhestoo
keenfortheaction.SoquiteoftenItellhimtogobacktowhathewantstodo
andwhathesreallygoodat,andleavethebodyguardingbusinesstothelowerlevels.Doingbodyguarddutiesallowedustoseeeachotheronwebcamsothat
wasabonus.Itcouldntlastforeverthough.Hesjustnotcutouttodosuchan
easyjob.
Duringthebodyguardingtimes,ImethisnewfriendChaparo.HewasalsoinaLDR,andoftentalkedabouttheirrelationshipstoeachother,discussed
problemsandtheirfuture,etc.Iwasreallyhappytomeethim,heseemedlikea
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niceguy,anddefinitelyforOscarhavingagoodfriendashiscomradeisalwaysa
greatbonustohismorality.Butbadthingsjustgottohappen.
Onamissiontogether,OscarandChaparoweretogetherhidingbehindsomeobstacletoavoidthenarcosattacks.Agrenadelandedovernexttothem.
Withoutsecondthoughts,Chaparopickedupthegrenade,pushedOscaroverandranawaytheoppositeside.Beforehecouldthrowthegrenadebackatthenarcos,itwasalreadytoolate.Oscarwascoveredwithhisfriendsbodyparts
andblood.
Laterwhentheywereinhospital,OscargotontoFacebookandwroteonhis
wall...speakinginaveryemoattitude.AtthatmomentIjustwishedIwastheretocomforthim.Apparentlybeforegoingonmission,Chaparohadafightwithhis
girlfriend,sohewasntinagoodmood.ThisisthereasonwhyIalwaysnever
leaveargumentsbeheldovernight.IcannotriskthesamethinghappeningtoOscar,norcouldwebothsleepuntiltheproblemissolved.
Oscarhadsometimetorecover,andheseemedtohaverecovered
veryfast.Imadehimanotherbolster,thistimemoredurable,
andalsoknittedhimascarfand
sentthattohimalongwithsomelipbalmssincehesbeeninthe
desertssomuch.Ialsopurchasedtwostainlesssteelrings;one
engravedMyOscarandtheotherMyJoyceandsentonetohim.
Hewasabletospend2wholeweekswithmeathometospendovermybirthday,andasaconsequencehe
startedhisdeploymentoncehegotbacktoworkuntiltoday,stilldeployed.IdidntknowhewasdeployedtillhewasabletogetInternetaccess2dayslater
totellme,soIgotemoandwentandcutmyhairfromlongtoshort.
EverydayOscarwouldsomehowgetwifiandborrowhisteammatestabletor
phonetogetintouchwithme,tellingmeheisfine.Itnowdecreasedtoonceeveryfewdaysandthenonceaweek,sometimesaweekandabitover,butat
leastthechangewasgradual.Weusedtonotbeabletocopeevenbeingaway
fromeachotherforoneday,letalone2,then3then1week2weeksmonths...thenhalfayear.IbelieveIaminnogroundstocomplainabout
anything,becauseheisonlydoinghisjob;ajobthatagoodmanwoulddo.Iam
proudofhim,andhadalwaysbeen.
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BecauseofmeetingOscar,Ibasedmy3rdyearDigitalDesignprojectcalledIRENE
onnarcoticsinMexico.Withouthim,thiswouldnothavehappened.Iwaspleased
withtheresultandthefeedbackthatIgotfromit,andIreallyamthankfulforwhatOscarhasdoneforme.Heisjustutterly
andabsolutelyamazing.
Rightnowthegoalsarestillthesame,
tryingtokeepsane,keepbeingpositive,keepon
believinginourloveandthatmiracleswill
happen,liketheonewherehetoldmehisgelinhisarterydisappeared.Henolongerneedstotake
thosepills.Itisdefinitelyamiracle.Somehowitfeelstoogoodtobetruethough,butImreally
hopingitistrueandthatitwontcomebackagain.
Asfortoday,IamwaitingdiligentlyforOscarto
appearagain.Ihavedevelopedahabitofbringing
mylaptoparoundwithmetowhateverIdo,includingbeingintheshower.Ialsohavethe
computeronwhenImsleepingwiththevolumeonhigh,soifhemessagesmehellwakemeup,
andIllshootoutofbedtospendsometimewith
him.
Ineverstoppedbelievingthatourrelationshipwillworkout,afterallthethingswehavebeen
through,themiraclesandtheopportunitiesGod
cannotjustgivemeallofthisandtakehimawayfromme.Itwouldbetoocruel,fartoocruel.
~FINfornow.~