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Praise for A Little Book of Parenting Skills
A genuine treasure! When we shift our attention toward
skillfully parenting, our whole world changes. Learning to parent
well is equal to learning to love well . This creative handbook
teaches us that there are tangible ways that we can deepen our
capacity for empathy and presence - transforming our relation-ships
with children and ourselves. Parenting has helped me to be a better
spouse, friend and parent. A Little Book of Parenting Skills is a
rare gift!
~ Ruth Cox, Ph.D. Mother and Professor
Institute for Holistic Health Studies San Francisco State
University
Besides prenatal care, the best way parents-to-be can spend the
nine months awaiting the birth of their child would be to learn
this little book by heart. Then, keep it close at hand for the next
eighteen years. The world would benefit greatly.
~ Kathleen Dowling Singh, Ph.D. Mother, Grandmother and
Author
The Grace in Dying
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We license people to drive. It's insane that we don't educate
and license people to parent. A Little Book of Parenting Skills
ought to be the Parent's Ed Manual designated to help reduce the
100 billion dollars we spend annually on this problem.
~ Peter Pearson, Ph.D. Father and Co-founder The Couples
Institute
A Little Book of Parenting Skills is a tremendous resource for
parents, educators, and students of human development. It offers a
wealth of information in a compact package, including a virtual
directory to delve more deeply into the topics it covers. The
possibilities for who could find this book useful are almost
endless for new parents and parents-to-be, and for adults from
dysfunctional families looking to re-parent themselves, this book
will be an invaluable resource. ~ Liz Zed, Ph.D. Mother and
Daytop Village Woodside, California
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This guide to parenting, based on recent research as well as
time-tested wisdom, gently encourages parents to improve parenting
skills and strengthen heart connections with their children.
~ Karen Rossie, Ph.D. Mother and Global Mentor Faculty
Institute of Transpersonal Psychology
A Little Book of Parenting Skills makes the findings from many
research disciplines readily accessible. Its a beautiful guidebook
for learning the art of mindful parenting. I appreciate the way it
encourages the development of core coping strategies to help deal
with the challenges of parenting at all stages.
~ Carole Press, LCSW Child and Family Social Worker
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A wise and practical guide to what Mark Brady rightly calls, the
most important job on the planet. Its especially refreshing to see
the author urging parents to take even his sensible advice with a
grain of salt. As he says, Dont parent by the book, parent by the
child. Any parenting expert wise enough to offer this advice, is
worth attending to closely.
~ Doug McAdam, Ph.D. Father and Sociology Professor
Former Executive Director Center for Advance Studies
in the Behavioral Sciences at Stanford
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A Little Book of
Parenting Skills
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22
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Other Books by Dr. Mark Brady:
Non-Fiction
On Becoming A Listening Organization (2005)
A Little Book of Listening Skills (2005)
The Wisdom of Listening (2003)
Growing a Housebuilder (1990)
Fiction
Death School (2004)
Psychomanteum (2003)
The Icing of the Shooter (1994)
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A Little Book of
Parenting Skills
52 vital practices to help with the most important job on the
planet
by
Mark Brady, Ph.D.
Paideia* Press Los Altos, California
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Paideia Press P.O. Box 3936 Los Altos, CA 94024 (415) 828-6275
[email protected] Copyright 2006 by Mark Brady All Rights Reserved.
*PAIDEIA (pie-day-a) from the Greek pais, paidos: lifelong learning
that pays special attention to the spirit, heart or essence of
things. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by
any means, electronic or mechanical, including photography,
recording or by information retrieval or storage systems or
technologies now known or later developed, without permission from
the publisher. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Brady, Mark, Ph.D. A little book of parenting skills /Mark Brady p.
cm. ISBN 0-9768898-8-9 BF323.L5S27 2006 153.77dc27 2006111946 09 08
07 06 5 4 3 2 Designed by Graffix House Set in Times New Roman
Editor: Sheldon Steere Printed in the United States of America
26
For Margaret
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Theyre Singing Your Song
When a woman in a certain African tribe knows she is pregnant,
she goes out into the wilderness with a few friends and together
they pray and meditate until they hear the song of the child. They
recognize that every soul has its own vibration that expresses its
unique flavor and purpose. When the women attune to the song, they
sing it out loud. Then they return to the tribe and teach it to
everyone else. When the child is born, the community gathers and
sings the child's song to him or her. Later, when the child enters
education, the village gathers and chants the child's song. When
the child passes through the initiation to adulthood, the people
again come together and sing. At the time of marriage, the person
hears his or her song. Finally, when the soul is about to pass from
this world, the family and friends gather at the person's bed, just
as they did at their birth, and they sing the person on to the next
life. In the African tribe there is one other occasion when the
villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life,
the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual
is called to the center of the village and the people in the
community form a
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circle around them. Then they sing their song to them. The tribe
recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not
punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity. When you
recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything
that would hurt another. A friend is someone who knows your song
and sings it to you when you have forgotten it. Those who love you
are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold
about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your
wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty;
and your purpose when you are confused. You may not have grown up
in an African tribe that sings your song to you at crucial life
transitions, but life is always reminding you when you are in tune
with yourself and when you are not. When you feel good, what you
are doing matches your song, and when you feel awful, it doesn't.
In the end, we shall all recognize our song and sing it well. You
may feel a little warbly at the moment, but so have all the great
singers. Just keep singing and you'll find your way home.
~ Alan Cohen
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How to get the most out of this book The feedback Ive gotten
from readers of early drafts
of A Little Book of Parenting Skills indicates that the
practices in this little book truly are life-changing and
child-affirming. As such, they work best when read and referred to
regularly. I suggest you read the titles and mark those that
resonate with you. Begin with those skills and practice them in any
way that feels comfortable. Many parents carry this book with them
and refer to it often as they begin practicing the new skills. Even
seasoned parents report they keep a copy close at hand for ready
reference. Feel free to write in the book. Be creative in getting
the most out of the practices.
One powerful way to get the most out of A Little Book of
Parenting Skills is to create a community of practice. Ask friends,
colleagues, or members of your church or temple who have children
to practice with you. Small, faith-based groups are quite effective
in helping each other learn to parent skillfully.
If you feel anxiety, sorrow, anger or any other strong negative
emotion while reading a particular skill, listen carefully
internally. Explore the discomfort. Perhaps something in your
personal history is being activated. It is often useful to turn
towards such feelings and learn what they have to teach. But never
force a parenting practice that is overly charged for you.
Take your time. Be curious while you learn some of the most
powerful and rewarding skills you will acquire in your life - the
art of skillful parenting.
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Table of Contents
Theyre Singing Your Song
Introduction
Section One
1. Begin positive parenting in the womb 2. Begin a prenatal
internet website or blog 3. Engage dynamically in the critical
first three years 4. Dont parent by the book parent by the child 5.
Avoid repeating the sins of your parents 6. Never neglect 7. Never,
never, never scream at your kids 8. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER SCREAM AT
YOUR KIDS! 9. Never, never, never hit your children 10. Anticipate
and optimize growth spurts 11. Cultivate and express Caretaker Face
12. Be a super-soother 13. Constructively channel tantrum
energy
Section One Reflection Questions Page 34
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Section Two
14. Practice managing transitions skillfully 15. Make caretaker
audio and video recordings 16. Teach your children to say No! 17.
Interact regularly with the right brain 18. Touch and be touched
19. Be a safe haven 20. Provide your children what you most lacked
21. Repair relationship ruptures as soon as possible 22. Practice
paideia 23. Essential: Limit violent TV and video games 24.
Practice Smart Moves 25. Accept everything your child offers 26.
Make your kids Heart Smart
Section Two Reflection Questions Page 50
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Section Three
27. Help your child develop Mindsight 28. Orient towards high
E.Q. 29. Disentangle family triangles 30. Learn and practice
contingent communication 31. Express appreciation often and
unexpectedly 32. Aim for progress, not perfection 33. Regularly
monitor for goodness of fit 34. Ask your children what their hearts
want 35. Repeatedly return to the high road 36. Interactively
repair all relationship ruptures 37. Use parenting for gaining
self-knowledge 38. Tell your kids stories about your life 39.
Create a compassionate family culture
Section Three Reflection Questions Page 66
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Section Four
40. Regularly assess whats not working 41. Be a Good-Enough
Parent 42. Teach and model positive self-talk 43. Deliberately
defuse strong reactions 44. Harness your murderous impulses 45.
Take first steps to repair relationship ruptures 46. Engage
regularly in reflective dialogue 47. Take special care during
stressful times 48. Never say No unless you mean it 49. Reclaim
your negative projections 50. Sidestep power struggles 51. Listen
to your kids 52. Form a parent reading and support group
Section Four Reflection Questions Page 82
References Appendix Authors Biography Contact Page
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Introduction
Raising children is difficult. The challenges are rarely easy,
the answers rarely simple. Frequently, when we feel at our wits end
and absolutely cannot expend another ounce of energy, the needs and
demands of children must still be addressed. We must find ways for
self-care and the means to restore our energy, that are not at the
expense of either ourselves or our children. This is a central
requirement for skillful parenting. Its part and parcel of what we
must do in order for parenting to be a calling, a sacred trust, an
ongoing expression of our best and highest selves. Western culture
does not place sufficient value on parenting. Only in special
instances is it seen as valuable and honorable work. Career
success, peer relationships, social acceptance there is a long list
of things that Western culture considers more import-ant and
meaningful than parenting. Thus, when many of us become parents
with little experience, at a relatively young age, we have only our
own parents as our primary role models. We may believe we can rely
solely on our intuition and optimism to be effective in the
parenting role, forgetting or denying that where we are entering is
mostly unfamiliar territory. Some of the skills and practices you
will find in this book may surprise you. Some may infuriate
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you. Not all of them are for everyone, but all of them are
intended to have a positive impact in helping you raise your
children. Some of them can actually make a dramatic difference in a
very short time. (For example: Listen to your kids!) Parenting
children successfully requires many things of us, including growing
and changing our-selves. Sometimes this can be painful. Parenting
then becomes hard emotional and physical work, tied so intimately
to how we view and think of ourselves and the things we value in
our lives. This is especially true when our children know every
insecurity we have, recognize every place we feel inadequate,
remember every emotional button we have, and somehow manage to
press them regularly. At these times the primary work of parenting
is to cultivate our own capacity for self-awareness, clarity and
compassion. To help in this regard I have drawn from current
research in the fields of develop-mental psychology, infant
attachment theory, trauma-tology, neuroscience, anthropology and
interpersonal neurobiology. Helping with this lifes work the most
important job on the planet is the central aim of this little
book.
Mark Brady Los Altos, California
October, 2006
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Its not only children who grow. Parents do, too. As much as we
watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are
watching us to see what we do with ours. I cant tell my children to
reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it myself.
~ Joyce Maynard
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40
1. Begin positive parenting in the womb
Research has shown that significant fetal brain growth begins
after the first five weeks, when the ability to hear sound is first
established. Alfred Tomatis, the French ear, nose and throat doctor
known as the Einstein of the Ear, determined that the sounds a baby
hears after only five weeks, works as the primary stimulus for this
neural growth.1 Of all the sounds it hears, the baby soon begins to
key in on the mothers voice. Each time it hears the mothers voice,
it begins moving to her cadence and rhythm, performing a sort of
stop-and-go growth dance to her music.
By the eighth month the babys brain is 50% larger than it needs
to be. Just before birth, a process unfolds that will prune away
half the extra brain cells. If the stress level is high, the
pruning will unfortunately take place in the intellectual centers
of the brain, leaving the reactive, instinctual centers most
strongly fortified and intact. If the prenatal environment is safe
and relatively unstressful, the brain will remove the excess from
less needed areas, and keep the intellectual areas intact. We owe
it to our children and the development of their brains to provide
as safe an environment as we possibly can, literally from
conception.
Practice: Identify a dozen or more stressors that may be
unnecessarily causing your baby stress in utero. Take whatever
steps you need to in order to remove them, for yourself and your
baby.
For further follow up:
www.babyplus.com/corp_info/logan_bookpage.html
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2. Begin a prenatal internet website or blog
The digital age affords parents an easy way to monitor and mark
childrens development. Milestones that used to be preserved in
family photo albums and holiday greeting cards can now be easily
preserved privately and in perpetuity on an internet website or
weblog. There are a number of safe internet sites that are
regularly monitored by parents to insure that the content and the
activities that take place on them is safe and poses little threat
to children. Two examples of such websites can be found at:
www.kidgrid.com/ and www.imbee.com. You can also do a Google search
for Safe Childrens Websites to find others to allow your child to
explore. Children love looking back at photos and written
descriptions about them at earlier times in their lives. It not
only clearly illustrates how much theyve grown and how different
they are becoming, but it also provides them with a personal
history that is inextricably linked to their unfolding
identity.
Practice: Take a look at some of the childrens blogs on the
Internet that other parents and teachers have started for children.
You can begin your investigations at these two sites:
http://us.blog.com and
http://www.learningcircuits.org/2002/apr2002/ttools.html
For further follow up: www.blogspot.com
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3. Engage dynamically in the critical first three years
Beyond what growth and nurturing can be provided during
pregnancy, the first three years of a childs life are critical for
forming and stabilizing healthy brain structures needed to maintain
and sustain continued optimal growth later on. Biochemical
alterations in the right brain in the first two years is enduring;
during this time states become traits.
Since left brain language capacity doesnt come online usually
until after age three, children mostly learn symbolically and
experientially before this time. The early years are a period when
great emotional integration takes place. Children work to figure
out the meaning of No, they communicate mostly with body language,
and engage in parallel play with other children. Children at this
age also enjoy stories that express feelings they are discover-ing
about themselves.
Practice: Spend time drawing, painting or playing with any kind
of art media with your child at this age. Start reading to them
using picture books with stories of growing children and families.
Recall what kind of play you most enjoyed at this age.
For further follow up: http://www.zerotothree.org
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4. Dont parent by the book parent by the child
Each year several dozen books on parenting are published in the
United States. Much of what was true when Doctor Spock first wrote
his best-selling, Baby and Child Care,2 has been rewritten in the
intervening years. Field research and advancements in technology
that allow for more precise observation and assessment, now force
us to revise what we know and think about parenting.
So, with parenting information under constant revision and flux,
whats a parent to do? If reading and research is something you
enjoy and get benefit from, by all means continue to do it. Just
dont use what you learn in a haphazard, rigid manner. Better is to
pay attention to, and take our cues directly from our children
themselves. Young children know what they need, and because they
dont have good language skills, they develop creative ways to let
parents know about those needs. Much of what constitutes effective
parenting is like detective work, learning to discern and translate
a childs needs in ways that contribute optimally to their
maturation and development.
Practice: What are some of the unique ways your children let you
know they have needs not being met? Things like bedwetting or
having accidents can be examples. So can forgetting things or
writing with crayons on the living room wall. Assume that such
behavior is expressing unmet needs and see if you can watch and
listen to find out what those needs might be.
For further follow up:www.cfw.tufts.edu
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5. Avoid repeating the sins of your parents The root definition
of sin is to miss the
mark. We miss the mark when we make mistakes that we dont
realize or dont correct or repair when we can. But how do we know
when weve missed the mark? None of us comes perfectly prepared to
take on the role of parenting, since each of us was raised by
parents possessing their own unique strengths and weaknesses. An
example of a mark that was historically missed by the culture is
spanking. For many years spanking was considered an acceptable way
to discipline children. They were regularly spanked in school, in
churches, and at home. If you were someone spanked by your mother
as a child, it is very likely that you feel okay about spanking
your own children. This would be an example of missing the mark, of
repeating, rather than moving beyond the sins of the parents.
Especially since spanking children has been shown to take up
residence in the body and physically inhibit the natural growth of
both the body and the brain.3 So, the first requirement to undo and
avoid repeating the sins of the parents is to be aware that
child-rearing research and knowledge, like children themselves, is
growing and changing constantly, as must we.
Practice: Experiment with paying attention to how what we do as
parents makes us feel. How we feel in our bodies will often provide
good data about how we are doing in our interactions with our
children.
For further follow up: www.cyberparent.com/esteem/
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6. Never neglect
Child development experts are virtually unanimous in their
agreement that neglect is the most difficult kind of psychological,
neurological and spiritual damage to repair in children.4 5 6
Surprisingly, it is more difficult to recover from neglect than
from the most horrendous physical, sexual or emotional abuse.
Reasons for this vary from researcher to researcher. One theory
offered by child psychiatrist Bruce Perry and his colleagues, is
that neglect fails to provide the caretaking necessary for a child
to form human attachments critical for growing essential brain
structures necessary for optimal early development.7 Five areas
that are generally implicated when neglect is investigated in
mistreated children are: medical, educational, physical, emotional,
and supervisory. What is most often involved is that parents simply
do not provide regular, timely or consistent parenting in each of
these areas.
Practice: Consider the five areas mentioned above. Are you
somewhat flexible in how you relate to your children with regard to
them? How might you begin to pay more attention and be more firm
and engaged in these areas? Remember, a small positive change can
produce dramatically powerful results.
For further followup: www.childtraumaacademy.com
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7. Never, never, never scream at your kids
Emerson suggested that sometimes a scream is better than a
thesis, but rarely is that true when it comes to parenting. If
youre a parent who attempts to control, reprimand, discipline or
get your kids attention by screaming at them, psychologist Sarah
Radcliffe suggests this is a negative parenting pattern that you
dont want to continue.8 Whether you know it or not, whether you
believe it or not, research shows that screaming parents cause
their children considerable harm.9 A study in a 2001 Journal of
American Psychiatry agrees: emotional abuse was more predictive of
mental illness than either physical or sexual abuse!10 So, what
might you do in place of screaming? Many things. To get their
attention, you can say a childs name repeatedly and firmly until
they make eye contact. Then make whatever specific requests you
wish. To discipline children, or to get them to perform chores or
homework, or come to dinner, call them once. After that, go to
where they are and, without anger, gently take them by the hand and
wordlessly lead them to where you want them to be, and tell them
again what you want.
Practice: Next time you find yourself screaming at your kids,
STOP! Be aware that you are causing them great harm. Find some way
to get your message across as if these are people that you really,
really love.
For further follow up: www.sarahchanaradcliffe.com
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8. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER SCREAM AT YOUR KIDS!
Screaming at children significantly impairs their brain
development. Dr. Allan Shore, at the UCLA Neuro-psychiatric
Institute, explains that a number of times, all through
development, childrens brains undergo massive pruning as much as
50% of the brains 200 billion neurons.11 And which brain structures
ultimately receive the bulk of that pruning has great impact on
development. If you scream at your children, you repeatedly
activate structures in the limbic system like the amygdala and the
hippocampus structures that regulate flight or fight reactions.
Repeated activation tells the brain that the environment is not
safe, thus a maximum amount of interconnecting neurons in these
areas must remain intact. Because pruning has to happen, neurons
will be pruned from structures like the frontal cortex where
higher-order functions tend to be regulated. Thus, screaming at
your kids works to impair their intellectual and emotional
development by forcing the brain to retain neurons in the limbic
area where they are most needed. Commit to finding alternative ways
that do not cause this kind of damage.
Practice: Make it a practice to find ways to let your children
know that you are a safe person to be with, and that everything in
their daily environment and experience contributes to their safety.
When they are old enough, include children in the decision-making
process.
For further follow up:
www.hawaii.edu/medicine/pediatrics/parenting/c15.html
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9. Never, never, never hit your children
By now it should be clear that the parents role fulfills a
sacred trust: one intended to safely help grow the heart, mind,
brain and body of a vulnerable human being. No matter what you
think, or what your own parents did that made you "turn out all
right," hitting children violates that sacred trust. Modern brain
imaging studies clearly show that hitting children disrupts and
disorganizes the developing structures of the body and brain. The
home that used to be a safe refuge, no longer is. The people who
used to be the ones a child could turn to for safety, no longer
are. With nowhere safe to go, and no one available to turn to for
soothing and help in regulating emotional distress, the world
becomes an overwhelming, confusing, unmanageable place. Anytime we
feel the urge to hit our children, that is a signal we have some of
our own work that needs doing. It is more likely our own limbic
system that has been hijacked by some fear-based experience that
our rational mind or courageous heart is unable to easily regulate.
That is a place where our own conditioning and wounding live, and
the place where our own healing needs to happen.
Practice: The next time you feel the urge to hit your children
find some way, any way at all, to stop yourself. Count to five.
Give yourself a time-out. Air-box. When self-control returns, begin
examining the impulse. Start with these two questions: What was I
afraid of? What does this remind me of?
For further follow up:www.neverhitachild.org
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10. Anticipate and optimize growth spurts
The brains and bodies of our children are almost always in a
state of growth and change. In addition to a childs brain
alternating growth spurts on each side roughly every two years,
several periods of massive pruning of brain cells takes place at
various times up until the early 20s. As parents we have some power
and responsibility for positively affecting where that pruning
actually takes place in our childrens brains.12
Ideally, in a securely attached child, navigating in a safe,
organized, well-cared-for environment, as already mentioned, the
pruning will take place in the limbic areas of the brain, those
places where many more cells might be needed if the child is living
in an unsafe, disorganized environment. An extensively developed
limbic system is only necessary for survival in the wild. In secure
children limbic pruning thus reduces those cells and leaves more
brain cells remaining in the cerebral and prefrontal cortex areas,
those areas more concerned with higher-order functions, like music,
language, abstract thinking and art.
Practice: Think of three changes that you can make in yourself
or in your childs environment that will increase their safety and
security. Resolve to make and sustain those changes and any others
that occur to you over the next several weeks and months.
For further follow up:
http://kidshealth.org/parent/growth/growing/childs-growth/html
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11. Cultivate and express Caretaker Face
The two most potent brain regulating influences in a childs
world are faces and voices. Repeatedly looking at mothers or
fathers face, and being looked back at by mothers and fathers,
helps develop what UCLA child psychiatrist Dan Siegel calls
Mindsight.13 Mindsight, when well-developed, allows a child to know
and resonate with the internal experience of others, to see and
feel what another person is thinking. It helps children under-stand
others and by extension, to understand themselves. The critical
factor in looking at our children however, appears to be something
child psychologists call contingency. Contingency creates caretaker
face when we respond directly, in real time, to the signals our
children send us. If they smile, we smile back. Likewise, if they
frown, we frown. Its a mutual collaboration, a reciprocal give and
take that neuroscientists Allan Shore and Marco Iacoboni believe is
essential for growing important mirror neurons in the brain. Mirror
neurons are essential for the feeling of attunement in a child,
resulting in neural circuitry releasing pleasurable endorphins in
the brain.14 15
Practice: Spend time deliberately gazing into your childs face.
Look directly into the left or right eye. What do you see? What do
you imagine they see as they look back at you? Remember also, to
smile. Smiling releases endorphins, and children will mirror it
back.
For further follow up:
http://marriageandfamilies.byu.edu/issues/2002/April/dance.aspx
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12. Be a super-soother
One primary job of a parent, particularly in the early years, is
to be the external regulator of the childs internal states,
especially those that are accompanied by great surges of energy.
There are many ways to accomplish this, from physical holding, to
emotionally empathizing, to extended compassionate eye contact.
Anything that soothes your child in times of stress helps them in
learning to self-regulate. Interacting with a parent who is a
super-soother, provides a child with the sense of feeling felt.
That is, they have the experience that their parent gets them. When
an attuned parent is responsive and accurately reflects their
experience of the world back to them, kids feel good about
themselves. One key to being aware and accurate in this process is
to pay close attention to what we see. Siegel and Hartzell16 point
out the error of a teacher who cheered for a shy kid who managed to
walk across a log all by herself. This response was too much for
the child. A more attuned response might have been, That was a
scary walk. It took a lot of courage, but you did it!
Practice: Spend some concentrated time with your child observing
them and saying what you see. Do it without any overlay of what you
think or what you feel. This simple response often works like
magic!
For further follow up:
http://childrentoday.com/resources/articles/impactwar.htm
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13. Constructively channel tantrum energy
Tantrums are outpourings of emotional energy in a disorganized
way. One key to controlling tantrums is to find the source and
channel the energy in manageable ways. One important rule for
parents is to help children organize and understand disorganized
behavior.
In order to help your child with such behavior, very often you
have to constructively channel your own tantrum energy first. You
can channel it by counting to ten, yelling out loud (not at your
child directly), or by jumping up and down anything that moves the
energy from inside your body, harmlessly out into the world.
Once youre feeling more settled and realize your childs tantrum
is not about you or a reflection of your effectiveness as a parent,
you can begin to look closely for what triggered the tantrum. What
was it that pushed your child beyond their ability to cope? Late
afternoons are often tantrum times, so consider that. Some ways to
channel tantrums might involve later talking and listening to your
child about what you saw happening, gently touching your child, and
discussing how to deal with tantrums in the future.
Practice: Next time your child has a temper tantrum, see if you
can identify the trigger. Is your child tired, over-stimulated,
struggling with a transition? Tell them clearly what steps youre
going to take to help them with such triggers in the future.
For further follow up: see parents advice at
www.sesameworkshop.org
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Section One Reflection Questions
Of these first 13 skills, which stand out the most as you
practice to become a skillful parent?
What have you learned about your own childhood that you hadnt
realized before you began practicing these skills?
You are actively working on improving your skills by...
Notes ...
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If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we
should first examine it and see whether it is not something that
could better be changed in ourselves.
~ C. G. Jung
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14. Practice managing transitions skillfully
Transitions are the intervals throughout a day when children
move from one place, activity, or internal state to another.
Children rarely make transitions as easily as adults do. Changing
activities like stopping play to come and eat, or waking up and
getting dressed and off to school, can each be transitions fraught
with peril.
The first step in managing transitions is to be aware of them
yourself. You can use words to describe them to your kids. Along
with the words, its good to also establish regular consistent
routines, ones that you can slow down to allow sufficient time for.
For example, Bedtime can always involve two short stories. Baths
might require washing all body parts in the same sequence each
time.
Another action thats good to take with kids is to forewarn them
about transitions. You can paint them a clear detailed picture of
what the transition will look like: When that show is over, were
going to turn off the TV and eat dinner together. Tomorrow when you
wake up and get ready for school, Julies mom will be driving
carpool in her green van.
Practice: Identify a half dozen transitions that are often
difficult for your kids. What words might you use to describe them?
How might you forewarn them before a transition is actually upon
them?
For further follow up:
www.atozteacherstuff.com/tips/sponge_and_transition activities/
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15. Make caretaker audio and video recordings
The role of the primary caretaker in a childs life is
unparalleled. A childs brain begins orienting to the mothers voice,
scent, sounds and heart very early in the embryonic cycle. Dr.
Alfred Tomatis, a French researcher mentioned in Skill No. 1, and
known for his work on how listening grows both the neurons and
their connections in the fetal brain, developed a collection of
strategies using sound recordings of mother, and/or classical
music, to radically and positively alter learning-challenged
childrens abilities.17 For this reason and others, it is an
especially good practice to make and store audio and video
recordings of primary caretakers in a variety of situations and
circum-stances. We can make clear audio and video recordings
throughout a childs life in order to serve a variety of functions
from soothing and calming, to being able to recall fond memories at
significant periods throughout a childs developmental years. Early
recordings during the first 2-3 years are particularly important,
since the child only has sufficient brain capacity to be able to
process images and sensations during this period.
Practice: Once a month, take the time to make a short
video/audio recording that clearly features the primary caretaker
interacting with the child and other important people in the childs
life.
For further follow up:
www.dynamiclistening.com/how-dls-works.cfm
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16. Teach your children to say No!
Many of us were taught that it is not polite or proper for
children to say No to parents or other adults. I would argue that a
High Road No! is not only proper, but after about age three it is
exceedingly important. A High Road No! is a reasoned No. Its a No
that teaches kids how to use the frontal cortex of their brains. A
High Road No! is different than a reactive, whiny, spiteful,
resistant or angry No delivered in response to a parents request.
Those would be considered Low Road Nos that often erupt with a
great emotional charge on them. These kinds of Nos frequently
signal a rupture in the parent-child relationship. They should not
be dismissed, but rather, worked with skillfully by speaking to the
emotion being expressed behind the No: Youre really angry, or You
sound frustrated, or This sounds like something you really dont
want to do. Such acknowledgements work to help begin shifting the
relationship from the Low Road up to the High Road for both parent
and child. On the High Road is where the ruptures in the
relationship can begin to be repaired.
Practice: Have your child and you experiment with different ways
of saying No. See if you can teach them to recognize that a No at
one time might be different than a No at another. Try explaining
the kinds of Nos you are open to discussing.
For further follow up:
http://www.answers.com/topic/prefrontal-cortex
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17. Interact regularly with the right brain
Human brains are profoundly relational. They grow their neural
connections by interacting with the environ-ment and with other
whole brains.18 Unfortunately, much of western culture and
parenting style places an imbalanced emphasis on language and the
left hemisphere of the brain. Schools teach words and logic and
math and science; workplaces demand punctuality and production and
precision; and many religious organizations have rituals and
structures very much oriented towards the left brain. But childrens
brains naturally develop cyclically, with different sides dominant
during different growth stages. In the first two years, and again
at ages 3-5, and then again at ages 7-11, growth in the right
hemisphere dominates.19 Optimal parenting must take this asymmetric
brain development into account, with a general bias towards the
right, non-verbal part of the brain. Why? Because the right side of
the brain is primarily responsible for self-regulation, a strong
sense of self, and empathic connection to others.
Practice: Formulate an intuitive collection of non-verbal ways
of positively interacting with your children. In other words, use
your own feeling-oriented brain to come up with creative,
emotionally-oriented ways of interacting with your children things
like funny faces, special hand signals, crazy moves, etc.
For further follow up:
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Gross3.html
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18. Touch and be touched
The word touch has the most definitions in the Oxford English
Dictionary.20 This is not surprising when we consider that physical
touch is basic to the human experience, essential for optimal
health and wellness. Non-sexual touching of our children, when done
with awareness, sensitivity and respect, is a unifying, connecting
experience. It helps our children and us feel loved, valued and
accepted. When we affectionately touch our children, it
demonstrates tolerance and acceptance. Childrens and adults
capacity for touch is not a static thing. It is constantly
expanding and contracting both with age and life experience. The
teenager rarely wishes to be touched as he or she was as a toddler.
Knowing when a loving touch is needed or when a child is better
left alone is more art than anything else. At such times when were
unsure, we might simply resort to asking what a child needs or
wants!
Practice: Think about your own attraction or aversion to
touching and being touched, both physic-ally and emotionally. What
might move you to a more optimal balance in this regard?
For further follow up: www.hohmpress.com/Newfiles/books/
to-touch-is-to-live.html
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19. Be a safe haven
The number one job for parents is to provide safety and security
for children. The home has to be safe, the car has to be safe, the
neighborhood has to be safe, and all members of the extended family
have to be safe. Safety contributes to secure attachment in
children the central building block for building healthy bodies and
resilient brains. When a childs home environment is unsafe, when a
parents behavior is frequently over-whelming, frightening or
confusing, children end up in a double bind. The bonding impulse
drives them to seek out the parents in times of stress in order to
be calmed and protected. When these same impulses turn them to
parents who are the sources of repeated stress and fear, these
children end up in an inextricable bind that researchers Erik Hesse
and Mary Main have termed fright without solution.21 As you might
well imagine, the brain function in such children becomes extremely
disorganized and chaotic.
Practice: Identify as many ways as you can that you might be
contributing to an unsafe home environ-ment for your children. Is
your house messy? Do you scream and hit your children? What, if
anything, can be changed to bring more beauty, order and safety
into your living situation that might make it safer and more secure
for your children?
For further follow up: http://www.imsafe.com/
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20. Provide your children what you most lacked
When adults are asked what they most wanted as children but
didnt get, the answer often centers around one theme: to be seen
and accepted by all members of the family for who they actually
were. What this means is being treated with kindness, understanding
and respect by all members of the family. It means having parents
who pay close attention to our inclinations, talents and
tenden-cies family that provides safety, privacy, freedom, respect
and a sense of belonging. Providing a child with what they most
need requires us to be able to deeply empathize with them. Not only
when theyre struggling or in a crisis, but when they act or speak
in ways that were uncomfortable with or may disagree with.
Empathizing doesnt mean agreeing with or permitting unacceptable
behaviors. It means being willing to see and feel what life is like
from a childs point of view, of being able to have a sympathetic
understanding for their pressures and stresses.
Practice: Spend a day imagining life from the point of view of
your child. Whats it like to wake up in the morning at your house?
What things in a day feel strange or anxiety-producing? Who are the
people youre drawn to? Who do you shy away from? What is the end of
the day like? How might the end of the day be better or different
from your childs point of view?
For further follow up:
http://www.earlychildhood.com/Articles/index.cfm
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21. Repair relationship ruptures as soon as possible
Screaming at our children, hitting them, sending them to their
room for extended periods, ignoring them, putting them down,
disrespecting them all these actions rupture the parent-child
relationship. Frequent, unrepaired ruptures that go on unaddressed,
damage a childs vulner-able, developing brain.22 Such unrepaired
ruptures can lead our children to withdraw or to react
aggressively. As parents, one primary responsibility is to reflect
on how our own actions may be contributing to our childrens
unwant-ed behavior. As soon as things have calmed down,
relationship repair work must begin. Successful repair work cannot
be made from an angry or resentful emotional state. Success-ful
rupture repair often begins with the parent admitting to, and
taking responsibility for their own out-of-control behavior.
Usually such behavior has fear or high levels of stress or anxiety
at its roots. From there, one useful response is to make ourselves
available for what our kids might have to say, blocking nothing.
(See Skill No. 25)
Practice: Think of several instances where you have felt overly
reactive to things your child said or did. What fears or anxieties
might lie at the root of your reactivity? Are there still raw
feelings involved? Read over the three repair practices in this
book and begin the critical repair work soon.
For further follow up: www.focusas.com/parenting.html
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22. Practice paideia
Paideia is an ancient Greek word that, loosely translated, means
life-long learning. But not just any kind of learning. It is
learning that deeply considers the spiritual or essential nature of
things. And so it is with parenting. When we practice paideia as
parents, our children become some of our greatest teachers and
healers. Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn suggest we think of parenting as
an eighteen-year spiritual odyssey with master teachers who will
provide us with repeated, and sometimes not-so-welcome, growth
oppor-tunities.23 Thus is the special nature of the relationship we
have with our children. We practice paideia by paying close
attention to our children, marveling at their capacities,
shepherding their growth and development, delighting in the rich
gifts they bring to our lives day after day. We practice paideia
when we filter the experiences we have with our children through
the light of spirit, a light which Andrew Newberg and his
colleagues at Princeton University have demonstrated is hard-wired
into the healthy human brain.24
Practice: Some night when you are not overly-tired, go into your
childs bedroom and spend twenty minutes or so silently watching
them sleep. Synchro-nize your breathing to theirs and simply be
quietly in the moment with your sleeping child.
For further follow up:
http://hometown.aol.com/paideiapgi/page/
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23. Essential: Limit violent TV and video games
Recent research in child development and neuroscience has come
to the conclusion that regularly viewing violence on TV or in the
movies, retards brain development.25 Briefly heres what happens: as
the tension mounts in a television show that moves towards a
violent outcome, the physical tension also mounts in our own
bodies. Additionally, and most importantly, the brain begins to
call for the release of the fight or flight chemicals, primarily
adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol from the adrenal glands
sitting atop the kidneys. By repeatedly stimulating the production
of these hormones, the limbic system of the brain makes the
determination that it needs all the cells contained in its various
parts. So, when the time comes for the regular prunings that take
place in a childs brain every few years, the pruning needs to take
place in the higher order areas, such as the prefrontal and
orbitofrontal cortex. This sort of pruning ends up later negatively
affecting a childs development and their ability to self-regulate
their emotional life.26
Practice: Watch several television shows or movies that have
high incidents of violent action in them. Pay close attention to
the feelings evoked in your own body as you watch these shows.
Imagine what the effects of exposing your body to such stresses day
in and day out, year after year might be.
For further follow up: www.abelard.org/tv/tv/htm
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24. Practice Smart Moves
Smart Moves is a program of integrated sensory-motor experiences
developed by biologist Carla Hannaford designed to maximize
learning and brain growth in children.27 Based upon research that
shows that physical movement of the body anchors thought and is
essential for integrating new learning, Hannaford first introduced
Smart Moves to middle school kids in the late 1980s. Many of Dr.
Hannafords Smart Moves can be found in Neurobics by Lawrence Katz,
and in programs for kids sponsored by Dr. Paul Dennisons Brain
Gym.28 Activities that employ cross-lateral, bi-modal movement
movements that facilitate information crossing the midline to both
sides of the brain and body work profoundly to speed the
integration of learning. Physical movements with descriptive names
like Cross Crawls, Lazy Eights, Brain Buttons, Energy Yawns and
Hookups are simple but powerful exercises that can be found in
Hannafords book.
Practice: Learn three or four of the Smart Moves exercises
mentioned above and practice them regularly with your children.
They are especially good to introduce in lieu of a time out when
kids are feeling overloaded or emotionally reactive.
For further follow up: www.igreen.tripod.com/gerpe/1d29.html
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25. Accept everything your child offers
This skill is based upon The Rule of Agreement from
Improvisation. The Rule of Agreement requires that one never block,
never say No. No creates conflict and stifles the flow of energy.
By accepting whatever our children offer us, we dont deny their
reality. And instead of blocking, we can offer something that keeps
the energy moving. Say, for example, your child wants to run around
the grocery store. Rather than grabbing them and force-fully
strapping them kicking and screaming back into the shopping cart,
we can chase after them, take them by the hand and co-conspire by
saying, Lets run away from Candy Monster. Quick! Hurry! Often, the
child will respond with a Yes, and rather than a Yes, but: Yes, and
then lets hide, so that she cant find us! This method, also known
as pacing and leading in Neurolinguistic Science, teaches us to
meet our children where they are, and like a talented martial
artist, skillfully lead them gently in the direction we want them
to go, rarely blocking their movement, rarely saying No.
Practice: Pay close attention the next time you find yourself
saying No to your children. Experiment with ways that you dont
necessarily say Yes, but you practice responding in ways that move
both your energies in the direction you want it to go.
For further follow up:
www.dangoldstein.com/howtoimprovise.html
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26. Make your kids Heart Smart
The heart is the most powerful organ in the body, generating a
magnetic field 5000 times stronger than any other organ. The brains
power pales by comparison. Brugh Joy, a medical doctor and wisdom
teacher, has written that whether we know it or not, all hearts
continually exchange energy and information with other hearts.29
According to psychologist Paul Pearsall, we can help make our kids
heart smart by teaching them about the brain in the heart a
collection of neurons with axons and dendrites and glial fibers
similar to those that make up the brain in the head.30 We can
further demonstrate the wisdom of our own heart by listening and
responding to our children with compassion and concern. We can also
be playful, slow down, and learn to listen for the still small
voice through which the heart most often shares its mind. Finally,
we can teach our kids about physically caring for the heart by
modeling good heart health care: by exercising regularly, by not
smoking or drinking, and by not letting the brain in our head run
rampant over the hearts strongest desires.
Practice: Have regular heart to heart discussions with your
children. What are some of your childrens hearts greatest concerns?
What are some of yours? How can each of your hearts more easily
express themselves now and in the future?
For further follow up:
www.alantisrising.com/issue17/HiddenLanguageoftheHeart.html
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Section Two Reflection Questions
What changes have you noticed in your relationships with your
children since youve begun practicing these parenting skills?
What conflicts have you been able to resolve since youve been
practicing these skills?
What things are you curious about or newly interested in about
your children?
Notes ...
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What a child doesnt receive, they can seldom later give.
~ P.D. James
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71
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27. Help your child develop Mindsight
UCLA child psychiatrist, Dan Siegel calls Mind-sight, the
ability to perceive whats going on inside others and understand in
a way that enables us to offer responses that reflect our own
understanding and concern.31 As introduced earlier, Mindsight
allows us to see the inner workings of another persons mind and
make sense of their behavior. We can help children develop
Mindsight by speaking regularly and openly about internal
experiences. Included in such discussions would be thoughts,
feelings, sensations, perceptions, memories, beliefs, attitudes and
intentions. In part, Mindsight involves teaching children how to
think about thinking. It also depends largely on the nonverbal
processing of the brains right hemisphere. Bedtime can be an
excellent time to do Mindsight practice. Having your child tell the
story of his or her day in words and word pictures, can be
highlighted by you identi-fying and reflecting feelings and
sensations. By asking questions about what our children are
thinking or feeling, we show them understanding and compassion.
Practice: Make a time to explore and discuss an intense shared
experience with your child. Notice the differences in what each of
you recalls. Take the lead and talk about your own internal
experiences. Ask your child about their thoughts, feelings,
sensations and beliefs about what happened.
For further follow up:
http://psychotherapynetworker.com/so04_wylie.htm
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28. Orient towards high E.Q.
E.Q. is the emotional equivalent of I.Q Intelli-gence Quotient.
It is primarily activated in the non-verbal, imagery and
feeling-dominant, right side of the brain. Western culture and
education are heavily oriented toward the left, linear, language
and mathematically-oriented left side of the brain. Effective
parenting will tend to over-compensate for this cultural and
educational imbalance.
Family therapist, teacher and researcher, Eileen Healy has
identified eight interactive skills to nurture and expand E.Q.32
The first is to help your child learn to recognize and identify
feelings as they arise and surface in the mind and body; the second
is to foster the ability to easily talk about these feelings; next
comes a ready self-acceptance for any and all feelings; fourth is
an expanding ability to problem-solve using all aspects of mind,
body and spirit; fifth is the cultivation of strong decision-making
skills; sixth involves the ability to skillfully self-regulate,
particularly in managing anger; seventh is a ready willingness and
capacity for taking self-responsibility; this leads naturally to
the eighth and final interpersonal skill forming and maintaining
lasting friendships.
Practice: Pick one of the eight E.Q. skills above that is most
age-appropriate for your child and come up with three ways that you
might help them expand those skills in their daily interactions in
the world.
For further followup: www.familypedia.com
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29. Disentangle family triangles
Children quickly learn that it is to their short-term benefit to
play one parent off against the other. They also have unerring
radar for which parent will side with them on any issue. As the
third leg of the triangle in a family, children have the advantage
of being able to pick and choose the parent most apt to let them
have their way. Whenever stress puts pressure on the dyads in a
family system, the people in the family will tend to move into
less-than-optimal triangulated relationships. Joseph Chilton
Pearce, in his book From Magical Child to Magical Teen suggests it
is important to counter this tendency.33 It is ultimately in
everyones best interest to keep the lines of communication between
each parent and between the child and each parent open and active.
By doing so, children receive consistent, reinforced messages about
what is, and what is not acceptable behavior.
Practice: Identify at least three issues where triangulated
relationships tend to surface in relation-ship with your child. You
can often identify them by the fact that conflict or disagreement
surfaces in relation-ship to these issues. Discuss these triangles
with every-one involved and take positive steps to dismantle
them.
For further followup:
http://www.socialworksearch.com/research/researchjs4.shtml
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30. Learn and practice contingent communication
Contingent communication between parent and child works to
positively increase neural connectivity in both brains. There are
three conditions that must be met for a communication to be truly
contingent: 1. the parent must accurately receive the words or
nonverbal signals a child is sending; 2. the parent must be able to
process and understand the signals; 3. and most importantly, a
parent must respond in a timely and effective manner. A timely and
effective response signals to a message-sending brain that the
people around them understand them. It makes children feel seen and
safe. Who our children become is in large part a result of how
important people respond to them.34 Contingent communication works
to help organize the brain, and at the same time it teaches
children and adults how to work together, how to collaborate with
each other and with other people.
Practice: Consider all the different channels through which your
children might send you messages, for example: eye contact, facial
expression, voice tone, gestures, along with timing and intensity
of their responses. What might be some positive ways of receiving
and responding to such messages be that might be different than you
may have responded in the past?
For further follow up:
http://www.imago.com.au/WhatIsImago.php
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31. Express appreciation often and unexpectedly The research
evidence is undeniable: letting our children frequently know that
we appreciate them, and the specific things that we appreciate
about them, has proven benefits for our own hearts and theirs.
Positive emotions affect the heart and body as much as they do the
brain. Dr. Rollin McCraty, a researcher at the Institute of
HeartMath,35 has conducted numerous studies identifying the
relationship between emotions and the heart. The heart is in a
constant two-way interchange with the brain sending roughly ten
times more information to the brain than it receives. When we
experience and express heart-felt emotions like love, care,
appreciation and compassion, the heart produces a smooth rhythmic
pattern that looks like gently rolling hills. Appreciation is one
of the most concrete and easiest positive emotions for individuals
to self-generate and sustain for long periods. Almost anyone can
find something to genuinely appreciate in others. By simply
recalling a time when you felt sincere appreciation and expressing
it, you can increase your heart rhythm coherence, reduce emotional
stress and improve your health.
Practice: If you initially find it difficult to generate a
feeling of appreciation, start by recalling any past memory that
elicits warm feelings. With practice, you will be able to generate
feelings of appreciation in real time and no longer need the past
time reference.
For further follow up: www.heartmath.org
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32. Aim for progress, not perfection
It would be great if our kids would do what we want, when we
want them to, all the time, perfectly. But kids have their own
ideas, needs, desires and dreams. Fortunately, as parents, we have
the advantage of age and experience working together with the
ability to learn and grow and change even as our children do. Few
of us were the beneficiaries of perfect parenting ourselves, and so
we cant simply transfer the ways our parents raised us onto our
children wholesale. For example, my own mother would let me sit and
pout in my room and stay there for extended periods when I was
angry with her. This was not an optimal, active repair to our
ruptured relationship. Better would have been for her to knock on
the door and find out why I was hurt and angry and do her best to
patch the rift. As parents, in many areas, we can do better than
our own parents did. But doing better does not mean aiming for
perfec-tion. It means picking areas to make progress in. Based on
what we know about stress and its potential to cause damage to
young, developing brains,36 if we only make progress in this area
with our kids, that would have wide-ranging, positive benefits to
parents and children alike.
Practice: Pick a single area of your parenting where you'd like
to make progress. Write down what would actually represent progress
in this area. Think about ways to actually accomplish that
progress. Do it!
For further follow up: www4.semo.edu/snell/scales/mppq.htm
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33. Regularly monitor for goodness of fit Goodness of fit
describes the complex interactions between a child and his or her
temperament, his or her parents and the environment. Successful
parenting depends not so much upon the child or parent considered
alone, but always upon the goodness of fit between these
elements.37 A deliberate, careful child who has impatient parents
will have more difficulty than if the same child has patient
parents. In the same way, two children in the same family can have
quite different parenting experiences depending upon the goodness
of fit in the temperaments between parents and children. Many
challenges in parenting children result from a poor fit between an
environment or an activity and a childs basic temperament. By
monitoring for good matches between these elements, we can head
many problems off at the pass. For example, we would be asking for
trouble if we tried to enroll our popular-music-loving child in a
class to learn to play classical music. Or sent our soccer-loving
child off to tennis camp. These are two examples, but lots of
others crop up every day in our childrens lives. By regularly
monitoring and assessing for goodness of fit, we can avoid a lot of
unnecessary strife in our parenting lives.
Practice: Think about the places where your child may not fit
well. School? Playgroups? Neighbor-hood kids? What might you do to
help find better matches for their interests, temperament and
capabilities?
For further follow up:
www.earlychildhood.com/Articles/index.cfm
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34. Ask your children what their hearts want
The research of J. Andrew Armour, a neurocardi-ologist at the
University of Montral,38 Doc Childre, a scientific researcher at
the Heartmath Institute in Boulder Creek, California,39 and Paul
Pearsall, a psychologist at the University of Hawaii,40 all point
to the same conclusion: evolutions current Great Turning appears to
be manifesting by our human heart growing a brain of its own actual
axons, dendrites, glial fibers and microtubules that already
generate a magnetic field that is 5000 times stronger than that
found in any other organ! As parents, we can participate in this
Great Turning by regularly reminding our children to pay close
attention to the way things feel in their hearts. Our children can
learn to become friends with and become familiar with the
sensory-somatic experience of heartfelt thought and feeling. When
accessed in combination, head and heart together provide a dynamic
duo that can process and synthesize information and make the
positive, life-affirming decisions that will almost certainly be
needed to address problems of future generations.
Practice: Spend some bit of quiet time as often as possible with
this discernment process: follow the breath down into the belly. On
the outbreath, allow your awareness to pause in the area of your
heart. What sensations arise? What subtle stirrings long for
expression? How might you honor what you discover?
For further follow up:
www.appliedmeditation.org/the_heart/articles.shtml
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35. Repeatedly return to the high road
Having a rough idea of how our brains work is very useful in
parenting. The brain can be divided into three parts brainstem,
limbic system and neo-cortex. Whenever were upset or reactive with
our kids, some element in our limbic system has been involuntarily
triggered. This is useful to recognize as the low-road, the part of
our brain that automatically overrides all rational thought and
reason. When were on the low road, weve literally lost our mind
access to the neo-cortex most capable of making rea-soned,
effective decisions. The neo-cortex can be trained to override the
reactivity of the limbic system, calm us down, and return our minds
and bodies to a state of equilibrium. This is the high road.
Learning to regain the high road is essential for being able to
parent our kids most skillfully. Being able to return to the high
road when our kids trigger low-road reactivity in us is crucial to
the parent-child relationship. When we lose it and then regain
control, we model for our kids the possibility of them being able
to do it as well.
Practice: The next time you feel yourself upset with your
children, pay attention to exactly how your body feels. Does your
stomach get tight? Does your throat close? Does your face become
hot? Try various ways to regain control: breathe deeply; count
silently to ten; make Smart Moves (See Skill No. 24). See if you
can discover what best restores your equilibrium.
For further follow up: www.parentsanonymousofiowa.org
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36. Interactively repair all relationship ruptures
Children deeply attune to their parents energetic and emotional
states by paying close attention to their faces and the sounds
parents make. Children are often more aware of how a parent feels
than the parents are. This ability to tune into parents plays a
significant role in growing the connections that make up the
Central and Autonomic Nervous Systems. Through positive attunement
and secure attachment, children grow up better able to cope with
stress; they become more flexible and resilient intellectually,
emotionally and physically. As previously mentioned, the
relationship between parents and children inevitably becomes
ruptured parents lose their temper, children get tired or
frustrated and act in ways that would try the patience of a saint.
Ruptures in the parent-child relationship and the subsequent loss
of attunement become problematic only when steps are not
deliberately taken to repair the rupture. We make repairs in
ruptured relationships by taking responsibility for our actions,
explaining our motivations, and sincerely apologi-zing for things
we may have done that caused the relation-ship break.
Practice: Recall a recent time when youve been on the outs with
your child. What did you do or fail to do that could have repaired
the break? How might you quickly get reconnected in the future?
For further follow up: see children and parenting at
www.helpguide.org
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37. Use parenting for gaining self-knowledge
Part of being a parent means becoming more self-aware. The Greek
word is autonoesis. A large part of this growth in awareness
requires a neurological expansion resulting in cross-lobe
integration of both halves of our brain experiences and learning
that resides mostly in the networks permeating the left half of the
brain, become activated and redistributed over to the right half.
And vice-versa. A simple example would be reading this book about
parenting skills, and then employing them with your children. This
kind of activity would produce maximum, whole-brained integration
and awareness. Our children are always reflecting aspects of
ourselves back to us. It can be disturbing when what we see is less
than admirable. Its even more of a challenge when what they reflect
is positive and praiseworthy! Taking on either projection will
inevitably lead to trouble. Best is to cultivate a recognition
that, as Kalil Gibran pointed out, our children do not belong to
us. We are simply intended to steward and shepherd them along the
path to adulthood.
Practice: Think about the relationships you have with each of
your kids. Now think of three words that would describe each
relationship. Do those three words remind you of the relationship
you had/have with your own parents? What might you wish to change
about those words? About the relationships?
For further follow up: www.maryhartzell.com
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38. Tell your kids stories about your life
Storytelling is fundamental to all human cultures stories create
a sense of connection and belonging and they help us create meaning
by understanding what happened to us. Stories also help to
integrate experiences from our own lives across both hemispheres of
our brains. Autobiograph-ical information, stored primarily in our
right brain, has a chance to move to the left brain and become more
fully integrated when we use stories to explain what happened.
Telling personal stories from our own lives help our children
make sense of similar experiences in their lives. How we tell such
stories, how we frame the telling as observer or participant, for
example can reveal how weve come to understand our experience. Were
we initiators, actively engaged in making things happen? Were we
passive bystanders, helplessly caught in the midst of overwhelming
things happening to us and all around us? Reliving such experiences
through stories we tell our children can help us and them begin to
see how our present lives are significantly shaped by our past.
Practice: Think of a story to tell your child from your own life
when you were around their age. Tell about some conflict or
difficulty you had. Give lots of specific details and tell how you
felt before, during and afterwards, when things were finally
better.
For further follow up:
http:mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php/tyupe/doc/id/818
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39. Create a compassionate family culture
Life is a learning journey. Each of us will have many painful
experiences mixed in with the joys and adventures. A compassionate
family culture recognizes this full catas-trophe and honors it in a
variety of creative ways. Parents in such families support their
childrens emotional, intellectual and spiritual lives in ways that
help establish an organized, solid foundation, one that will allow
them to be creative and resilient as they go out to meet lifes
challenges. They teach them how to make sense of their short
personal histories of the world, their limitations and how to go
beyond them.
Compassion involves a clear recognition of our childrens
challenges and inspires a deep desire to help deal with them
effectively. Compassionate actions take into account the stresses,
pains and problems of our children, all the while trying not to
unnecessarily add to them. For example, we never belittle a childs
problem because it might seem small to us. In this sense, the
Golden Rule based on the concept of compassion applies: we should
treat our children as we ourselves would like to be treated, and
may wish we had been treated when we were their age.
Practice: Identify three areas where your child might benefit
from compassionate understanding. Find a good time to explore
feelings about school, or siblings, or their peers with your child.
Initiate a discussion, first by listening, then by actively
encouraging him or her to come up with creative ways to address
each situation.
For further follow up: www.compassionatesouls.com
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Section Three Reflection Questions
What is it like when you do things as a parent that you dont
feel good about?
What have you discovered recently that you may have found
uncomfortable about your parenting ability? What might you
change?
What have you noticed about your capacity to care for your
children?
Notes ...
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If I had my child to raise all over again, Id build self-esteem
first, and the house later. Id fingerpaint more, and point the
finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting. Id
take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. Id take more
hikes and fly more kites. Id stop playing serious, and seriously
play. I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. Id do
more hugging and less tugging.
~ Diane Loomans
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40. Regularly assess whats not working
Because every child is unique unto themselves, parenting often
becomes an unpredictable adventure involving a lot of trial and
error experimentation, a continuous series of course corrections. A
central guideline for discovering whats not working and needing to
be put back on course is recognizing those things that we dont feel
good about as parents. They may be hot feelings of angry resentment
or small niggling feelings of doubt or uncertainty. No matter the
shape or the size, a parents feelings of discomfort need to be paid
attention to and addressed in some fashion. For example, having a
child refuse to go to sleep and demand to be read bedtime story
after story, at some point doesnt work for many parents at the end
of a long day. How best to address this situation is something a
parent will need to assess and experiment with. Coming to a
creative solution, through reading, consulting with teachers or
other child care experts, or simply trying different strategies to
remedy the situation is important. But whats more important is
first paying attention and addressing whats not working.
Practice: Identify three behaviors or situations in your
household that youre currently not comfortable with. Begin a
dialogue with those involved or affected as the first step in
remedying your discomfort.
For further follow up: www.chuckbauer.com/article.sap?ID=39
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41. Be a Good-Enough Parent
In his insightful book on the trials and tribulations of
parenting, child psychiatrist Bruno Bettelheim put forth the
concept of the Good Enough Parent.41 The Good Enough Parent is not
the self-sacrificing saint who parents to perfection. Rather, they
spend a lot of time seeing the world through the eyes of their
children, recognizing the need for care and protection, guidance
and direction. Being Good Enough is intended to appeal to reason
and do away with guilt. We become Good Enough as parents by
continually working to find an optimum balance between self-care
and child-care, by recognizing and appreciating what is working, by
being truthful about whats not working, and then doing our best to
remedy things not working as best we can. Probably few of us raise
our kids and never make mistakes. Mistakes arent the problem so
long as we cultivate our ability to admit them, along with our
capacity to correct them. It is from making mistakes and correcting
them that we learn to step fully into the whole-hearted role of the
Good Enough Parent.
Practice: Identify three parenting mistakes that you make
regularly. One way to identify a mistake is if you would feel
uncomfortable having someone you know and respect witness your
behavior. What steps can you take to correct these mistakes? What
support might you need to actually take those steps?
For further follow up: www.directionjournal.org/article?663
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42. Teach and model positive self-talk
Positive self-talk moves us away from focusing on problems and
complaints and points us and our children in the direction of
solutions. Affirming the outcomes we most desire and asking
questions that begin with What can we? or How can I? keeps us from
catastrophizing, blaming or thinking in all-or-nothing absolutes.
Repeating to ourselves and our children I am capable and lovable,
and I can be effective in this situation, tends to activate parts
of the brain that help to turn these statements into
self-fulfilling prophesies. Unfortunately, the same tends to be
true for statements that profess the opposite sentiments. Henry
Fords famous observation rings too true in this regard: Whether or
not you think you can do a thing, you are right.
By modeling positive self-talk and repeatedly affirming optimal
possibilities for our children, we build a foundation and reinforce
neural pathways that can gener-alize across all the multiple human
intelligences: emotion-al, logical, spatial, physical, artistic,
musical, interpersonal and naturalistic.
Practice: Come up with a half dozen affirming self-talk phrases
to counteract familiar negative things you think and say. Begin
using them on a regular basis. Look in the mirror as you do. Notice
any difference it makes in your parenting, problem-solving or
creativity.
For further follow up: www.topten.org/content/tt.ba184.htm
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43. Deliberately defuse strong reactions
Our childrens strong reactions may come with an uncomfortable
level of intensity. When parents learn to manage strong reactions
skillfully, their children can begin to feel comfortable with a
depth and range of emotional expression that will serve them well
throughout life.
Child care specialist Mary Sheedy Kurcinka says that picking up
on early non-verbal cues is key to managing strong reactions.42
Each childs early warning signals indicating that intensity is
building can be unique. Some kids get louder, some quieter. Some
get active or impatient. Some get bossy or demanding or whiney. One
way to help kids diffuse strong reactions is to help them recognize
and name their own high-energy states: Youve got gusto, Christy!
You have Big Energy, Jesse. Simply telling kids whats true in
positive ways often works to moderate strong feelings. Words quell
impulses. They validate experience and provide children with a
means to slow their reactions.
Practice: What are some of the cues your child displays that let
you know intensity is rising? You may know them well, but may have
never taken the time to name them. Are there specific body
movements? Changes in voice tone? Specific facial expressions?
Begin paying attention and offering positive descrip-tions of the
things you see.
For further follow up:
www.ierg.net/confs/2004/proceedings/patten-Kathryn.pdf
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44. Harness your murderous impulses
Occasionally we feel great rage at our children. Parent educator
Bonnie Harrris suggests these surges of energy are not something to
be suppressed or denied but rather, they are to be worked with
skillfully.43
When we feel like murdering our kids, its not the kids lives
that need ending, but often something in us that needs to die.
Perhaps the feeling of not being a good-enough parent, or maybe the
shame of our own thoughts or our behavior towards our kids.
One way we can begin to harness our murderous impulses, then, is
by learning from them. We can treat such impulses like nightmares,
which often show up because our unconscious has been having
difficulty getting our attention through normal channels. What
might these impulses be trying to teach us? What internal and/or
external changes might they be demanding that we pay attention to
with so large a flood of energy? Needless to say, our murderous
impulses are about us more than they are about our kids.
Practice: Next time you feel youd like to throttle your kids,
give yourself a time-out. Pay attention to where you most feel the
anger or rage in your body. Allow any instructive thoughts or
images to arise that may be trying to get a message to you. What
changes might you need to make? What support and resources might
you muster to help you take action?
For further follow up:
http:specialchildren.about.com/od/respite/hit/timeout.htm
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45. Take first steps to repair relationship ruptures
One final time for this important practice: success-fully
repairing ruptures in parent-child relationships requires action on
the part of parents to restore intimacy and strengthen resilience.
We cannot simply ignore such ruptures and act as if they never
occurred. Repairing a ruptured relationship with our children
frequently begins with responsible self-reflection. Take time to
review the events that caused us to be upset, paying particular
attention to what we said and did. By attending to our own tone of
voice, body language, or any anxieties we werent aware of at the
time, we can begin to take the next steps, make contact, explain
what happened and apologize for our actions that took place on the
low road of limbic hijacking. Knowing that their primary caretaker
can be relied upon to do the work required to repair a ruptured
relation-ship contributes significantly to establishing a safe
haven and helps to form a secure attachment bond for the child.
Practice: What emotional hot buttons do your children easily and
repeatedly trigger? What are the thoughts and feelings, fears and
concerns underlying them? What in your own personal history might
be trying to come to some resolution?
For further follow up:
http://www.word-power.co.uk/catalogue/0091884195
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46. Engage regularly in reflective dialogue
Reflective dialogue is a kind of contingent verbal communication
which Daniel Siegel identifies where a parent actually talks to
their child about the nature of his or her mind.44 Related to
Mindsight, such discussions involve speaking about thoughts,
feelings, memories, sensations, attitudes, beliefs and intentions.
Siegel suggests parents remember the factors below, or put them on
a list and remember to talk about them on a regular basis: ~
Collaborative communication: sharing non-verbal signals such as eye
contact, facial expressions and voice tone ~ Reflective dialogue:
talking with kids about thoughts, feelings, perceptions, memories,
sensations, attitudes, beliefs and intentions ~ Repair: reach out
to a child after a misconnection ~ Emotional communication: accept
and share both the child's positive and negative emotional states
and help the child regulate his or her emotions ~ Coherent
narrative: delve into one's past to better understand oneself and
one's children.
Practice: Pick one of these aspects of communi-cation and focus
on it for a week in your interactions with your children. Mealtimes
present good opportun-ities for such discussions. What differences
do you notice in their behavior as a result? In your own?
For further follow up:
http://www.andrews.edu/~freed/MetaphorsOnlinel.pdf
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47. Take special care during stressful times
In Beautiful Boy, the song John Lennon wrote to his newborn son,
Julian, he said, Life is what happens to you while youre busy
making other plans. Our plans notwithstanding, each of our lives is
periodically filled with unexpected twists, turns and stresses.
Brain-imaging studies have proven conclusively that during times of
significant stress, the frontal cortex of the brain does not work
as effectively as it does during non-stressful times.45 During such
times then, it makes sense to refrain from making important
decisions, taking on even greater stressors, or ignoring
significant evidence of increased stress in our lives. At such
times it makes more sense to take special care. Such care is
probably unique to each family some people may increase physical
exercise, or reduce food intake, or get away from normal routines
for short periods. Others may seek peer or professional counseling,
get some form of preferred bodywork, or simply sit out in the
backyard, enjoying the wind and sun.
Practice: What are the signs that let you know when your stress
level is high? One person I know has small blisters that break out
on her fingers. Another gets indigestion. Still another snaps at
people unexpect-edly. Only by first being aware of the tell-tale
signs of your own high stress-levels, can you begin to put
stress-reduction practices into action.
For further follow up: http://sln.fi.edu/brain/stress.htm
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48. Never say No unless you mean it
Telling younger and older children No is critical for teaching
them about limits and boundaries. From Day One however, it is
essential that No ALWAYS means No. One of the most mixed-up
messages we can send to our children is to teach them that No means
Maybe, or if they up the ante with acting-out behavior, No will
eventually result in a Yes. What you never want to inadvertently
teach your children is that No means Yes, if you pester me enough.
Whenever we tell our children No, Stop, or Dont, it is imperative
that we follow through with consequences 100% of the time. If we
fail to follow through, were setting ourselves and our children up
for even greater stress and conflict down the road. In many
instances, what this will mean is that we have to carefully pick
and choose the behaviors and requests that were going to say No to.
Ideally, they will only be ones that we are fully prepared to
follow through on with consequences.
Practice: Pick two or three recurring behaviors that youd like
your child to change. Spend a week only saying no to those
behaviors, never wavering or weakening in a way that allows a No to
morph into a Yes.
For further follow up:
http://borntoexplore.org/discipline.htm
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49. Reclaim your negative projections
Projection is the well-documented psychological process whereby
we unwittingly ascribe our disowned thoughts, feelings and
behaviors onto our children or other people. The childhood saying,
It takes one to know one accurately sums up the mechanism of
projection: we see in other people those things that we both like
and dont like in ourselves.46 What we cant be with, wont let us be.
Anytime we find ourselves disproportionately irate at the laziness
or selfishness of our children, or at the arrogance of our partner,
a close look at these aspects of ourselves is in order.
Disproportionate reactions are the tells that give us away, that
indicate a high probability that we are projecting something we are
unwilling to own, out onto other people. Carl Jung called this
aspect of us, the person we would rather not be. These are the
parts of ourselves that we have unconsciously disowned or rejected.
And we can be pretty confident that with any such parts of
ourselves, somewhere along the path, our kids will find a way to
reflect those rejected and disowned parts back to us for reclaiming
and owning.
Practice: Think about three of the most dislikeable qualities in
your kids. Take an honest look at yourself and see where those very
same qualities might live in you. How might you befriend them?
For further follow up:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection
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50. Sidestep power struggles
Power struggles are one aspect of parenting that mostly create
feelings of distance and hostility, rather than affection and
trust. Nevertheless, it is natural for children to continually test
limits, both their own imposed from within, and those imposed
externally by parents and other author-ities. One thing to bear in
mind is it takes two to create a power struggle.47
Whenever possible, it is best to sidestep such strug-gles. Some
effective wa