Emilia Nagy -Love and Confidence Coach © 2018 http://www.womanworthyoflove.com Page 1 3 Ways to Release Self-Blame by Emilia Nagy March 28, 2018 PART 2 **Only honorable people experience shame** In part one we talked about self blame held in by: 1. Cognitive dissonance (both the “good” that person is and the “bad” that person is can’t both be true so there must be something wrong with us for thinking badly about them) 2. The self-blame habit (learned behavior from childhood) 3. Self-Forgiveness for some of these: a. Not speaking up for myself b. Not standing up for what I believed was true Exercise: What do you need to own? This is an exercise of self-forgiveness. “I betrayed myself when I gave up my own identity. I own that.” “I hurt myself when I gave away pieces of myself until I forgot who I was. I own that.” Part 2: Facing Shame to Recover Freedom and Power We are not talking about toxic shame (generational shame passed down the generations) as a result of a severed relationship to honor, values and “healthy” shame. See John Bradshaw: Bradshaw On: Healing the Shame that Binds You. Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications. 1988. ISBN 978-0757303234. We are also not talking about being shamed (being told we did something wrong). Even though the above are extremely prevalent in narcissistic abuse and we will look at them in future classes, today we are talking about the part about shame that is between us and us. Me and me. You and you. So this is OUR feeling of humiliation or distress when we know or are conscious of having violated our own values or harmed another or ourselves. This is the most insidious and most destructive aspect so let’s deal with our inner game first. Personal Example: I feel shame when I overeat or eat too much sugar. I also feel shame when I don’t go outside or exercise. I also feel shame when I stay up late. This is because I am violating my own standards around what I “should” be doing or how I “should” be taking care of myself. This doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else. Example: I feel shame when I get sick (as a result of the above behaviors ) because I “shouldn’t get sick” and because, “I should be taking care of my family” and “my husband has to pick up the slack” and “I should be available to connect with my daughter.” Do you have an example of what it looks like for you? Notice how honorable that is? The shame is a result of having FAILED to be honorable and provide for myself or another. They say wealth is an inner game. Well, so is Healing, Freedom and Power. Emilia Nagy