22985537 Chapter 13 17 Midnight Sun

8/9/2019 22985537 Chapter 13 17 Midnight Sun

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Chapter 13

Balancing

As I sped down the winding road I knew what lay ahead for me. My home. As the woods thinned out I

knew what I had to face. My family. I’m sure Rosalie had informed them all in her own colourful words of my recent revelations to this human girl. The human girl that she could never be. The human girl that

had been materialised out of my own personal hell. The human girl that was my punishment for being amonster. The human girl who’s delectable scent still lingered with me. The human girl… Bella that

actually had accepted the fiend beside her for the entire day. Bella who’s touch had not been a mistakeon my ice cold hands. Bella…

As I parked in the garage I shot a side glance at the red car next to me. Any happiness from the day hadgone. I had left it on Bella’s doorstep as I drove away only a short while ago. In hope she’d keep it safe,

and welcome just as she had today.

NO! I growled to myself. No. I hope she doesn’t welcome it into her home. For her own good. Shedeserves better than me.

I locked the car and just as I thought everyone, except Alice, was waiting for me. Their thoughts reached

me before I had even walked through the door. The loudest was the string of profanities from Rosalie.Then Jasper’s quiet laughter. My father had a confused sense of relief in his eyes but his thoughts were

worried.

I mirrored his worries. About my sanity. Maybe Emmett’s right. I thought Maybe I am losing it.

Esme looked like she would have tears of joy if she could. Her thoughts were a buzzing humming song. Adance of happiness and the only words I could catch were She’s special, son.

‘’Oh crap, common ref’’ Emmett boomed from next to the TV before silently adding; You started this so

you deal with Rose now.

‘’Did you want to talk, Edward?’’ Carlisle asked me in a tone that would be used on someone who’d justrecently lost his mind. I stared blankly at him, ignoring Rosalie’s glare, trying to concentrate on his

thoughts. The same ones he had on the night I had taken him back to Port Angeles to show him those… Ifelt anger seep into me… those brutes. My fury trickled down my arms and to my hands. I clenched them

into fists as if to stop it from leaking further. Causing any more damage. Justifying the fact I was notgood enough for her .

I tried to see through the haze and listen again to Carlisle’s thoughts.

Edward, she’s special. Esme thinks so too. Look at the effect she’s having on you. I loosened my firstsslightly. The change that we all see in you is absolute. Turning back from this now would only hinder

everything you are and everything you have worked to be. Unexpectedly lost focus on his thoughts andsnapped my head up at Rose. My fury hadn’t completely waned yet and she had just ignited it higher. Igrowled at her unsaid words and her smug smile told me that this is the reaction she had wanted fromher sick thoughts. Thoughts of taking a pure innocent life of a girl who was only a danger to herself.

‘’How typically Rose. You should…’’

My words fell short as I dropped to my knees and cried out

‘’NO! No. Not, Bella, No.’’

Blood soak through her clothes, from her still, now lifeless cold body. Turning whiter. I couldn’t stand to

look. I threw my hands over my eyes but vision still plagued me and I let another cry of agony slip frommy mouth. The pain was unbearable. As if my heart was trying to rip through my chest. Like it had come

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alive and started to beat only so I could feel it breaking inside me. The ache was almost too much…Another cry left my mouth as I saw myself beside her. Bloody hands and lips. A smile on my monster’s

face

‘’STOP THAT, ROSE’’ I heard Alice say in a final tone.

‘’Pathetic’’ Rosalie answered and the visions ceased and I heard her footsteps going out the door. I got upin a quick, lithe movement and before I could follow her I felt Emmett’s heavy hand was on my shoulder.

‘’Cool down, kid. I’ll talk to her’’ his voice was low and concluding.

‘’I wasn’t going to talk to her’’ I murmured to him.

Alice was at Emmett’s side now and she gave a indifferent look. I scoffed at her but Emmett was already

following Rosalie’s footsteps out the door without another response. Alice slowly turned to look up at me ‘’ I don’t have to guess what she was thinking’’ she whispered to me ‘’But Edward if you only could…’’

‘’Not now Alice’’ I cut her off abruptly still trying to control my irritation. I turned on my heel and as Idarted towards the stairs I gave Carlisle and Esme a small, discarded look. Within a second I was inside

my room hearing the door close behind me as I went to stand by the grand window. I tried to block outall thoughts but instead was greeted by an unwelcome intruder

Almost tasted that blood, her sent the ruby pouring from her the brute whispered from within. At thatmoment my throat was set aflame and I closed my eyes imagining, welcoming the venom filling my

mouth.

I shot open my eyes and reached in my pocket for the bottle cap and as I touched it I felt the flamesfrom my throat subside and move to where she had touched my hand. A fire that I could stand. The heat

still unchanged

Without a seconds thought I went to turn on my music system in hope to drown out the bloody thoughtscompletely. As music filled the room I mindlessly started to hum out of tune. No, not out of tune… The

quiet lullaby of the beautiful sleeping girl drowned out the music in my own head.

Not long before I could see her again. Of course she didn’t know this. I could imagine her face if shefound out that I watched her sleep. She would go running and leave Forks for good. Part of me hoped for

that. For her sake. Only for her sake.

There was a quiet knock on the door and before I could tell her to go away Alice let herself in. I turned togaze at her as I slid the bottle cap back into my pocket.

‘’You’re going to see her again tonight aren’t you’’ she said morosely.

I sighed ‘’What do you want, Alice?’’

She smiled at my failed attempt to sound aloof.

‘’Well…’’ She started walking towards me

‘’I think it’s very unfair that you’re keeping my future best friend all to yourself’’ She whined.

I rolled my eyes and turned back to looking out of the window.

‘’Your future is becoming more solid, Edward’’ She continued ‘’Every time I have a flash of Bella Sawnbeing hurt, that hazy image is quickly replaced by a much more solid one of her… with you. Always with

you’’

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Of course she would be with me. I was her protector. For now. For as long as it was justifiable. In myhead.

Or until she runs from me, screaming as she goes I thought less hopefully.

‘’What do you want, Alice?’’ I repeated for lack new of words.

‘’Nothing right now’’ She began in a mischievous tone ‘’I can see you’re aren’t ready for that yet.‘’ Thenher voice became serious ‘’But the more you try and run from her, the more you can’t. So why not just

stop, Edward. Stop and just accept…’’

‘’…that I might kill her one day’’ I finished for her.

‘’No’’ She said is a louder more sarcastic tone.

I saw her eyes narrow in the reflection of the window and I let my head drop. She was standing next tome now.

‘’ You won’t do that. And you know it. You would have done it already if that was the to be, Edward. AndI was going to say that you need to accept her as part of your life now.’’

I said nothing.

‘’And mine’’ She added quietly

‘I have to go’’ I said abruptly. I didn’t even wait for her response as I ran out of the house. Racingthrough the woods as fast as possible. I was halfway to her house when I realised the irony of it all. I

should be running away from Bella Swan. Not towards her. Running far far away from her. Leaving her toa life she was worthy of. Not obliterating it with every stride I took. It’s as if I had no control over myself.Right and wrong. It was all a chaotic blur. Completely tangled with one other. Just like Bella and I. Twoopposites that were being thrown together. She was right, beautiful and pure. I was wrong, monstrous

and tainted.

I stopped my thoughts in front of her house. My mind was telling my body that each step I was takingwas wrong and I should turn back. But that voice was fading the closer I got to her room. I quietly

slipped through the window and just as if she knew, she welcomed me through her slumber with a lightmummer of my name. All the happiness was back. She bought it inside with her. It was here in her room.

I stood very still and waited for her stirring to ease while saying my name over and over. It felt like I washome.

This is wrong. So wrong. I growled.

I waited another moment before I heard her steady breathing. Relaxed now I was conflicted betweenwalking towards her or going to take my usual place on the rocking chair.

No more mistakes I reminded myself

The rocking chair won. As I sat there her scent swirled all around me. Encroaching me all over again. But

it was getting a lot easier, even the monster was quiet. I wanted to go over and stroke her cheek. Just tofeel her soft, warm skin for one last time.

And then again for the last time. And again… I was weak and greedy when it came to Bella. I just wantedmore and I knew I wouldn’t… Couldn’t stop myself.

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Before I knew it I was walking over to her bed slowly and was about to reach over to caress the side of her face when she stirred again. This time much more than before.

She was awake!

I threw myself on the floor and lay very still.

Oh no! Did I wake her? Not only was interfering with her everyday life I was disrupting her sleep as wellnow. Yes I was greedy.

Happy now? I thought to myself angrily

Bella sat up in her bed and rubbed her eyes. I tried to slide under bed discreetly in case she got out. Atthat moment I remembered what Rose had said. ‘’Pathetic’’

This truly was pathetic. I shouldn’t even be here.

I heard her slump back down and I very quickly and quietly shifted to a shadow near the corner of theroom. I should have gone out the window. But all logic, all reason was beyond me now. Bella could wake

up and see me right here and I wasn’t even thinking about leaving anytime soon.

I shook my head. And I thought she needed to be in a facility for her health?

She tossed around some more. She really wasn’t peaceful this night. I wanted very much to lay next toher. To hold her. To ease whatever agitation that wasn’t allowing her to sleep. But I would probably just

make it worse. Throw her dreams of me into nightmares.

As right they should be. A monster like me had no place in the dreams of an angel‘s creation. I had toleave her room right this moment. I looked at the window.

‘’Edward?’’ She said in a questioning tone. I froze. Had she really seen me? Was I really being socareless? She whispered my name again and threw her arm over her covers and encircled them with a

small smile on her face.

I was undone.

Sleep my sweet Bella. Sleep. I thought. And I let my back slide down the edge of the wall as I madepreparations to watch her sleep until the sun disturbed me.

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Chapter 14 - Division

It had been only less than an hour since I slid out of Bella’s window and raced through the forest to getto my home. I had freshened up and changed for school. Funny I had never been eager for school beforebut Bella had abruptly changed that. She was changing more than just that though. I signed and shook

off the thoughts.

Alice threw me the keys of my Volvo. As I caught it she gave me a solemn look and put her hands on herhips. She didn’t have to say anything. Or even think it for me to know what she wanted. I wasn’t yetrinsed of my blissful mood so instead of answering her and ruining the day before it began; I looked

down and walked towards the back of the house. Rosalie was already at her car. Thankfully her vanitywas my saviour today. All she could think about was whether or not to give her shiny car a once over

before parading it in school today.

Oh not riding with us again, Edward? Emmett asked me.

I turned around to look at him walking into the garage with Jasper close behind him holding Alice‘s hand.Her face still had the pout firmly in place. I said nothing but my mood was souring pretty quickly. Giving

them all a quick icy look, to silence their judgments, I climbed into my car and backed out of the drive.

My mood started to lift slowly the closer I got to Bella’s house. Closer to having her near me again. Asmall part of me still hoped she would decline my invite. Refuse to ride in my car. Reject being next to

me. A small part of me wanted her to keep her distance. To ignore me. But that small part was gettingsmaller with each day. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing.

I parked on the corner of her street and watched Charlie go pass in his cruiser then swiftly pulled into hisspot on the drive.

My eyes focused straight up to her room window. I saw her steal a look through it, faintly hearing herheart skip half a beat as a lovely blush filled her cheeks. She was obviously hoping that I would be here

again. The same as yesterday. I wondered how long I could continue this bizarre routine with her… Thisshould end it now. Before it’s too late.

It already is too late. I thought remembering my anger at the similar words she spoke to me the othernight. Half growling to myself I was uneasy now because I couldn’t find that comfortable spot I had been

in just recently. Trying to make right of a very wrong situation with no hope in sight.

I watched her carefully, without making it apparent, as she closed her front door and walked towards thepassenger side of my car. I almost hit the locks and bolted out of her drive but as she got closer I

couldn’t stop her, or rather I didn’t want to stop her, from opening the door and climbing in.

“Good morning” I said through a smile I didn’t even know had formed. “How are you today?” I lookedover her face and remembered how poorly she had slept.

“Good, thank you.” she replied.

Her eyes bright but the circles underneath contradicted them “You look tired” I pushed, hoping to knowmore about what had kept her so restless.

“I couldn’t sleep” she said simply without further elaboration. How frustrating this still was. Howfrustrating that I would never know. I watched her tuck her long brown hair around her shoulder. Tryingto conceal her neck? Bella was trying to ease my temptation?! I shouldn’t be amused by the thought, but

I couldn’t help it. Slightly disgusted with myself and more so exasperated at her complete off sense of self preservation I let it go and started the engine instead.

“Neither could I” I replied to her casually

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She let out a small laugh as she responded “I guess that’s right. I suppose I slept just a little bit morethan you did”

“I’d wager you did”

Before I could speak again her questions were back “So, what did you do last night?”

“Not a chance.” I interrupted, there was too much I didn’t know about her. And I wanted to knoweverything “It’s my day to ask questions”

“Oh that’s right’’ she replied her brow creasing for whatever unknown reason this displeased her “Whatdo you want to know’’

“What’s your favourite colour” I started off quickly.

She rolled her eyes as if she had expected much worse “It changes from day to day”

“What’s your favourite colour today” I pushed

“Probably brown”

What an odd choice. “Brown?” I mused with doubt in my voice. But before I could even ask why it waslike she read my mind.

“Sure brown is warm. I miss brown. Everything that’s supposed to be brown - tree trunks, rocks, dirt -it’s covered up with squashy green stuff here” I was staring into her eyes now as I listened. Why did I

question her choice of colour? It was beautiful. Deep. Captivating.

Stop starting at her I scowled at myself.

“You’re right” I composed my thoughts and looked away. “Brown is warm” I concluded out loud.Instinctively my hand reached over towards her. I wavered for less than half a second before brushing

her hair back behind her shoulders.

She shouldn’t have to worry about my temptations. She shouldn’t have to worry about anything.

As I drove into the school, easily pulling into a parking space, I turned back to look at Bella again. I didn’t

want to have to part and go to class. I wanted her to stay in this car with me. I wanted to look into hereyes some more. To watch her lips move as she talked. To smell her scent as she played with her hair.

Ignoring the burn that formed now at the back of my throat I knew I didn’t want her away from me foreven a moment. Stop it. I fought with myself again. It’s already gone beyond the realms of sanity, do I

really need to push this any further .No I wouldn’t need to push. That was the problem. This was going to

spin out by itself whether I pulled or pushed.I was bounding out of control and I needed to be reignedback in.

Bella belonged in the sunlight. I belonged in the darkness. Where my true self could never seen. Exiled.

The way I stared at her, the way she smelled to me…She should be running from my car right about now.

There just wasn’t, and never will be, any common ground between us. Safer to continue my quizzing.

“What music is in your CD player right now?”

As she mentioned the name of the band I let a half smile reign over my face and my recent thoughts.The irony was, as always, just on time. I reached into my CD compartment, flipped through the CD’s to

find one in particular. I couldn’t help but feel a little smug at proving myself wrong. No common ground Imused…

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“Debussy to this?” I handed Bella a CD. She looked at the cover and recognised it. It was the same CDshe had just mentioned.

The day continued in a lazy, repetitive pattern. But I never bored.

As usual her silent mind gave me no answers so I asked question after question. Revelling in thefascinating details whilst walking her to her classes, through to the lunch hour. I gathered the kind of movies she liked. She hadn’t travelled very much but she yearned to explore the world. I asked abouther favourite books. This seemed to enthuse her. She had a lot to say on what a good book should be

like and what she had read. She answered all my questions, mostly with a perplexed uncertainty. Some,though, made her blush. This would amuse me and I pressed the subject further just so I could watchthe colour in her cheeks deepen. Now I was intrigued as to why a simple question about her favouritegemstone, which she said was topaz, had reddened her cheeks so quickly. “Tell me” I demanded after

her reluctance to answer.

She looked away from my face and sighed in defeat. Playing with her hair she spoke quietly “It’s thecolour of your eyes today.” She looked anxious as she added “I suppose if you asked me in two weeks I’d

say onyx”

Brushing it off completely, before I started to get irritated at her close observations, I resumed with thenext question. “What kind of flowers do you prefer?” She seemed just as pleased for the subject change.

My quizzing paused in Biology as Mr Banner had decided to finish the video we were watching onPhotosynthesis. I discreetly slid my chair a little further away from Bella in anticipation of that strange

electricity that seemed to intensify in the darkened room.

It didn’t help. At all.

I watched Bella in the dark as she leaned forward on the table resting her chin in her folded arms. Istarted at her face for a long moment before my eyes wandered over her hair noticing her hands

clenched over the table’s edge just like mine. No common ground I thought again without humour. Thehour dragged on the same as before and same as before I had the urge to reach over and touch her soft

skin, to feel the warmth of her hand in mine. Several times I almost did but stopped myself. I knew thatit would open a flood gate. But nothing was stopping me from making mistake after mistake. As the

video ended and the lights were back on, I stood and was about to walk out the door and never look backbut my feet refused to move. I was frozen on the spot. I realised now that it was not about if I would

walk away from Bella. It was about if I could.

And in this moment, it was clear, I could not.

As I walked Bella to her gym class in silence I folded into myself. I had no will left. Every ounce of energyI was putting into keeping my distance from her was futile. She was the center of every thought I had

now. How could I escape that? We stopped in front off the gym I reached out, with no second thought or

any hesitancy, and touched her face with the back of my hand. The fire never ceased to shock me.

I turned without a word and walked to Spanish. Emmett was waiting for me, leaning against a walloutside of class.

Hey kid, you look a ton better than this morning. He assumed

“Thanks” I mumbled quietly. I didn’t know how to respond to the word better. We settled into class. Ibegan to rummage through the minds of Bella’s classmates and teacher. Trying every angle to get abetter view of her face. That boy Newton was still in a hostile mood towards Bella. This annoyed megreatly mostly because his hostility was misplaced. I wanted nothing more than to go over there and

snap his frail racket holding arm…

Hey Edward what’s wrong. I looked at Emmett and I realised I was almost out of my seat.

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“Nothing” I whispered climbing back in. Then I signed quietly. How long was I going to keep this mutedbarrier up against my siblings? “It’s Mike Newton” I added “He’s really beginning to bother me”

Emmett didn’t think anything more on that. And I listened to his thoughts coming out with a dozenreasons and conclusions to this ‘mess’ as he called it.

Class was finally over and I gave Emmett a defeated look and hurried to the gym. To Bella.

A wide smile spread across her face and she sighed quietly to herself. I smiled back just as wide andrelieved.

I didn’t allow too long of a silence before my questions began. This time I wanted the whys and hows of her answers. I wanted to know about her life before Forks. Before me. Although that wasn’t a pleasant

thought it was as if I was trying to compensate for not being able to see into her mind. The firstraindrops started to give way to heavier ones as we sat in front of her father’s house for hours while she

told me every scene, every scent and every detail from her life in Phoenix. I noticed the time as shefinished off the description of her old messy room.

“Are you finished” She asked at my silence.

“Not even close - but your father will be home soon”

“Charlie!” She said loudly, as if she had forgotten where we were. “How late is it” her eyes widenedslightly as they found the clock.

“It’s twilight” I said mostly to myself. I looked across the horizon as I wondered whether to continue thatsentence. I looked back at Bella, she was staring at me like she knew there was more “It’s the safest

time of day for us” I caved. “The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way… the end of another day,the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don’t you think?”

“I like the night. Without the dark, we’d never see the stars. Not that you can see them here much” Sheanswered and I laughed at her continuous findings of faults for Forks. “Charlie will be here in a few

minutes. So, unless you want to tell him you’ll be with me on Saturday…”

“Thanks, but no thanks” She started gathering her books. “So is it my turn tomorrow, then?”

“Certainly not!” I scowled with a smile. “I told you I wasn’t done, didn’t I?”

“What more is there?”

“You’ll find out tomorrow.” I concluded and reached across to open her door. In the midst of hearing herheart starting to race I heard a car nearing the house and another voice. I had to calm myself from

almost ripping the door handle off.

“Not good” I said quietly

“What is it?” Bella asked a little shocked

I looked at her bewildered expression and said “Another complication”

I let the door fly open and quickly moved away from her. A dark car pulled up on the curb. My controlwasn’t going to last. Bella needed to get inside her house. Now. “Charlie’s round the corner” I said

grimly. She instantly climbed out and into the rain. I glared back at the car and sped out of there withoutanother word.

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Chapter 15 - Back and Forth

Billy Black’s thoughts were insulting at the very least. I was seething as much as I was speeding towardsmy house. He was positive that I was a danger to Bella.Hah! A danger to Bella, not at that moment. At

that moment I was a danger to him. Had Bella not been there I would have reversed back into his car… I

remembered the look on Billy’s face. And something told me that if Billy had been the one in the driversseat instead of his son, he would have done the same thing to the back of my Volvo.

I slackly parked the car in my front lawn and in the same breath almost ripped myself out through thedoor. This was fast becoming routine but I had never left in such a hurry. Usually I waited until Bella was

asleep. So my sudden rush had left Emmett wide eyed as I disappeared into the forest so fast that Ididn‘t even catch his thoughts. I’d have to explain to later, I was sure of that.

I reached the house in record time finding a place in the shadows near the side. I would be able to hear clearly enough from here.

And I could. I heard Charlie and Billy talking about some fishing trip. But Billy’s thoughts were notentirely focused. He was still thinking of Bella beside me, in my car, but the image was wrong. In his

mind I looked dangerous. Like a predator. A killer. I almost growled. But I tightened my fists andclenched my jaw shut. He was right after all. Of course he was.

Focusing again on Charlie’s thoughts, trying to see if there was any concern in his mind about my family.

About me. About Bella and me. About us…

There was no us. I sighed quietly. Bella and I were two very separate entities. Contrary not

complimentary . I thought grimly

Well Charlie seemed fixed on the game now as Bella came through to the room with that boy, Jacob

Black. Immediately his mind hit me like a bulldozer. Every one of his erratic thoughts were a crazyspinning frenzy on how to keep Bella’s attention. He was looking at her almost inappropriately. I had to

fight every single fibre inside me to not rip the front door open… and his deluded head off . But Bella’svague unfocused answers to him made me calmer, made it easier to control the urges to annihilate the

irritating boy.

I stood statuesque for the remainder of the game until finally Billy and Jacob were heading towards thedoor. Sliding quickly into the shadows out of sight, I listened.

“You take care, Bella’’ Billy said. His thoughts were more of a severe warning than his spoken words.Letting my head drop and closing my eyes I waited for them to leave.

As the car drove away and Charlie closed the front door, locking it, I kept very still. I wanted nothingmore than to continue my nightly pattern and climb into Bella‘s room when her lights went out. But rightnow I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea. After this evening, after seeing myself as the monster through

the eyes of someone else… it made me fear. Fear not for myself but for her. Only for her. Always for her.

I don’t know how long I stood there thinking about right and wrong once again but as I refocused myeyes, ready to run home, I was greeted with the realisation that I was standing in Bella’s room. I shook

my head and gave up. Again.

The morning was the same as the last. I ran to my house, changed and then drove back to Bella’s. Butbefore I could slip through her fingers again, Alice had reminded me that I was to leave school early with

her today. Hunting trip. I couldn’t help but smile with gratitude at my little sister.

Charlie had just left and I parked in his spot. This time I turned off my engine and rolled down thewindows. I was smiling instantly as Bella climbed in beside me, her scent filling the car again.

“How did you sleep?” I asked, slightly confused by the tiny skip in her heartbeat.

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I couldn’t help but be a little smug because I knew the answer already.

“Fine how was your night?” she asked

“Pleasant” I replied

“Can I ask what you did?” She continued

“No today is still mine” I smiled fully now.

Again this day was the same as the previous. But my questions differed. I wanted to know more aboutthe people in her life. And more about her relationships with them. I was however startled at her lack of

romantic history but also comforted at the same time. In the cafeteria now, I wanted to know why thatwas the case. For I could not fathom any reason for a girl like Bella to have lack of suitors “So you never

met anyone you wanted?” I tried not to sound pathetically hopeful.

She seemed anxious as she answered “Not in Phoenix”

Argh this isn’t good I thought but contrarily I felt pleased.

She bit into her bagel when this reminded me of my own appetite and my errand for this afternoon. “Ishould have let you drive yourself today”

“Why” she almost looked angry.

“I’m leaving with Alice after lunch” I answered her quietly and watched her face drain of anger only to bereplaced by what looked like disappointment. She was going to miss me? My dead heart almost started

thumping right then but her answer broke my jovial moment

“Oh, that’s okay, it’s not that far of a walk”

“I’m not going to make you walk home. We’ll go get your truck and leave it here for you” I snappedirritated by the thought.

He face became confusingly poignant “I don’t have my key with me, I really don’t mind walking”

I was shaking my head before she even finished. How asinine of her to think I was just going to leave her

to walk home. “Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition - unless you’re afraid someonemight steal it” I laughed and she finally agreed

“All right” she said in an almost challenging tone. I felt a little conceited. It’s always helpful to have alittle sister with an uncanny ability to find things.

“So where are you going?” Bella’s voice was slightly hesitant

“Hunting” I never even thought about what I was saying. The truth just came out automatically withBella. “If I’m going to be alone with you tomorrow, I’m going to take whatever precautions I can.”

Otherwise I’ll end up killing you, of course. Just so you know, no big deal. I left the last part out but Iknew that this was going to be dangerous. “You can always cancel, you know” Please cancel. Do it. Tell

me you don’t want to be alone with me. Tell me you are scared of the monster inside me. Let your human senses lead you away from me, Bella. Do the right thing. Because I just can’t I thought almost

painfully

“No, I can’t” Bella echoed my thoughts.

Surrendering I murmured “Perhaps you’re right”

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“What time will I see you tomorrow?” Bella asked casually

“That depends… it‘s Saturday, don‘t you want to sleep in?”

“No” she answered almost overlapped my question

I muffled a smile unsuccessfully at her eagerness.

“The same time as usual, then,” I asked “Will Charlie be there?” Maybe her father being at home wasgoing to help me anchor my need.

Her answer seemed triumphant “No, he’s fishing tomorrow”

The monster inside me peeked out “And if you don’t come home, what will he think?” Oh yes, now youreally do sound like a creep. Might as well tell her that you sneak in through her window when she’s

sleeping. Hopefully this was warning enough for her to finally back away. But her face was unchanged asif she had no idea of my insinuation. She answered steady and casual “I have no idea, he knows I have

been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe he‘ll think I fell in the washer”

Impossible. She was just impossible. She grimaced at me as if asking me to challenge her some more.

But I remained silent, just glaring back.

“Where are you hunting tonight” Bella asked, startling me with her casual tone at such non-standardsubject.

“Whatever we find I the park. We aren’t going far” I managed to say

“Why are you going with Alice?”

Because Alice loves you like I do. I frowned and opted for a less open response “Alice is the most…supportive” That worked.

She seemed nervous when she continued “And the others? What are they?”

They’d rather I killed you and got this over with. Another answer I would have to modify “Incredulous, forthe most part”

She looked behind at the table where my siblings sat.

Idiot . Rosalie thought and I focused on blocking her out

Emmett was laughing as he tried not to look over I never knew watching you fumble over a girl would beso much fun!

“They don’t like me” Bella interrupted my scowling at Emmett.

She seemed hurt by this thought. I tried my best to comfort her insecurities, however rightly placed theymight be “That’s not it. They don’t understand why I can’t leave you alone”

Frowning now she turned back to face me and replied “Neither do I, for that matter.”

“I told you - you don’t see yourself clearly at all. You’re not like anyone I’ve ever known. You fascinateme.” And there, again, was that wretched truth that keeps slipping from me.

11



Reading Bella’s face was becoming a little easier. This made me smile and I watched as her expressionchange. She thought I was being false.

“Having the advantages I do” I tapped my forehead quickly to remind her “I have a better than averagegrasp at human nature. People are predictable. But you… you never do what I expect. You always take

me my surprise.”

Now I was confused by her look of resentment and embarrassment. But she turned her head back to myfamily.

I decided to keep going to help her understand more “That part is easy to explain. But there’s more… andit’s not so easy to put into words - “

Oh, that’s right tell her everything, Edward. Do you have any idea how dangerous all this is? Rosalie’sthoughts came at me loud and fast. She turned to glower at Bella now And you’re risking it for this

insignificant human girl. Maybe you just need a little push or maybe I can… - I growled under my breathsilencing her thoughts abruptly.

Bella turned back to me as confusion and fear washed over her face.

Now I had to explain Rose’s behaviour too. “I’m sorry about that. She’s just worried. You see… it’s

dangerous for more than just me if, after spending so much time with you so publicly…” I couldn’t look ather anymore. Staring down at the table I wasn’t sure if I could finish that sentence

“If?” Bella persisted. Of course I couldn‘t refuse her. And she had a right to know what her fate might be.

“If this ends… badly” I let my head drop into my hands. I didn’t move. I thought that this would be it.These words would be all she needed to start grasping the danger she was in. Slightly stunned I felt her

hand come towards me but she let it drop on the table. Bella wanted to… console me?

“And you have to leave now?” She asked in a nonchalant tone

“Yes” I replied and as I raised my face, her big brown eyes looked disheartened at the thought of mydeparture. Making my mood perk up.

“It’s probably for the best.“ I started, remembering what class we had next “We still have fifteen minutesof that wretched movie left to endure in Biology - I don’t think I could take anymore”

Alice crept behind me silently “Alice” I said without looking away from Bella’s face.

“Edward” Alice replied and then silently added Quit being so dramatic

I decided to introduce them “Alice, Bella - Bella, Alice”

“Hello, Bella” Alice trilled and smiled widely at her “It’s nice to finally meet you” I gave Alice a warninglook. She was overstepping the mark

“Hi, Alice” Bella said timidly.

“Are you ready” Alice directed her question to me

Still irate at her I answered curtly “Nearly. I’ll meet you at the car”

Without response, Alice walked out of the cafeteria.

12



“Should I say ‘have fun’ or is that the wrong sentiment?” Bella asked turning back to look at me.

“No ’have fun’ works as well as anything” I said grinning at her candidness

“Have fun then”

“I’ll try. And you try to be safe” I cautioned

“Safe in Forks - what a challenge” She said sarcastically

“For you it is a challenge.” How little she knew herself “Promise.” I urged

“I promise to try to be safe. I‘ll do the laundry tonight - that ought to be fraught with peril”

“Don’t fall in” I said keeping with her mocking tone

“I’ll do my best”

I stood up. Bella followed suit and sighed “I’ll see you tomorrow”

She looked unhappy and I knew why. Because I felt it too (though I knew I would see her before she sawme).

“It seems like a long time to you, doesn’t it?”

And she nodded confirming what I thought.

“I’ll be there in the morning” I said and reached over to touch her face, brushing across her cheekbone.When I realised what I was doing I turned and walked away without another word.

Alice was at the car, grinning, as I approached. She was ecstatic to have made contact with Bella today.

As if that was a green light for her. She didn’t have free reign yet . I grimaced at her thoughts

I drove home in silence… on my part anyway, I couldn’t control Alice’s thoughts. But I knew if I said

anything it would just worsen the images in her head. I parked the car in the garage and made my wayinto the house with Alice just a step behind. Esme was in the dining room and Alice skipped around me to

kiss her on the cheek. And then they both turned to look at me. I shifted on the spot and put my handsin my pockets, not able to meet their gaze I stared at the tips of my shoes. They didn’t speak but their

thoughts were almost identical. Neither of them saw me making a mistake. They didn’t think of it thatway. They were sure I wouldn’t undo Carlisle’s teachings. My fingertips found the bottle cap in my right

pocket as I looked up at Esme. Through her mind I saw my face. It looked agonised, pleading almost.She was by my side in an instant, her hand on my face

“You won’t fail, Edward.” she tried to reassure me “You are stronger than you think, son”

“She’s right Edward,“ Alice chimed in “Do you really think I would let you be alone with Bella if I saw youhurting her? I wouldn‘t be able to bear it almost as much as you”

“I guess you’re right Alice but…” I couldn’t bring myself to say my uncertainties out loud. Looking atEsme’s clear, determined face and then at Alice’s, how could I tell them when they had such faith in me?

I couldn’t break that. No I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I shouldn‘t…

“We’ve got to go Edward, Bella will have finished class soon” Alice cut through my thoughts

13





Chapter 16 - Ready or Not

Elks never seemed to satisfy me, but I didn’t want to go very far. And in the park that was all Alice and Icould find of substance.

She didn’t actually hunt much. Just watched me most of the time. She wasn’t thirsty, just accompanyingme on this very necessary and fruitless trip. Necessary because I couldn’t allow myself to be thirsty

tomorrow even the slightest. And fruitless because no matter how many elks I slayed it would be in vainthe moment Bella’s scent caught up to me again.

I wouldn’t think of that now.

Finishing off my fourth meal of the evening, I felt full to the brim when Alice put her hand on my shoulderEdward, I really think that’ll be enoughI looked up and met her eyes. She had a small crease between

her brows. Pulling back, sheepishly I cleaned the side of my mouth. Doing this for as long as we have, itwas an art form of sorts and we seldom made much of a mess.

“Shall we go back now? Or did you want to test the theory that vampires can‘t get sick?” She teased me.

“I’m finished.” I replied

“Good. Jasper’s waiting for me and… everyone else is waiting for you”

“Sorry” I felt guilty for making her come with me when she didn’t need to but I wasn‘t looking forward toanother round with my family.

“It’s okay, they won’t be too much trouble. And this trip was for Bella”

I narrowed my eyes and murmured “For Bella.”

She laughed her bell like laugh and started to run back

Come on slow coach, You need to change before you go to her house don’t you?

Reaching the house before her, of course, I leaned back against the wall to wait, grinning when shefinally caught up

“Slow coach?” I said feigning innocence

She squinted her eyes at me and darted into the house. I wasn’t as eager to follow but I figured I might

as well get it over with, Bella will be sleeping soon and I didn’t want to miss a moment.

As I hesitated by the door I heard Emmett talking “Rose, come on, he’s done well so far give him some

credit”

“That’s only because there were always too many witnesses” she hissed back.

“Not true…” Emmett began stifling a laugh “He’s with her alone in her room most nights or don’t youknow?”

“Thanks, Emmett… But I’m not worried about his creepy, perverse behaviour.” She accentuated the word’perverse’ making me cringe “I like it here. I really don’t want to have to move again so soon, that’s all”

Emmett was too busy laughing, when I finally walked in. He turned to look at me which only made his

laughter more boisterous. I shook my head trying to rid myself of his thoughts.

15



“YOU are going to ruin everything tomorrow.” Rosalie shrieked at me

I looked at the floor, not out of embarrassment but to control my anger. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself if she said anything about Bella.

“Rosalie please…” Carlisle began

“Oh what’s the point Carlisle? He’s made his choice. He’s chosen her over his sister. Over all of us”

“That‘s not the case here” Carlisle continued his voice hardening.

“Yeah, it’s called faith, Rose” Alice’s joined in

“You’re all just placating him, making it worse until it‘s…” she narrowed her eyes refocusing on me “Untilit‘s meal time”

That did it.

“Edward don’t!” Alice shrilled but it was too late. Before I knew it I was airborne, lunging for Rosalie. Iheard a snarl rupture from her as I collided with Emmett who had darted between us. He wrapped his

huge arms around to restrain me but I couldn’t stop my own snarls ripping through me. Glaring solely onRosalie‘s blazing eyes as she bared her teeth but made no sound.

I became aware that a calming wave of serenity was washing over me. Jasper was trying to defuse thesituation but it wasn’t enough to contain my anger.

I was ready to try and fight off Emmett when I felt a hand on my chest. Esme.

She was looking at me with concerned pleading eyes. In her mind I saw my own face. I looked like… like

a vampire. I immediately slumped, almost limp, in Emmett’s arms.

Rosalie stormed out of the room in the blink of an eye and Emmett let me loose.

“Emmett you should go after her” Alice said, her face twisted up in apprehension “Now Emmett… I don’tthink Esme wants her entire kitchen destroyed”

Emmett looked at me for a long moment. But he wasn’t angry, just confused. He hated choosing sides.

He sighed heavily and then went through to the kitchen.

I was about to fly up to my room when Carlisle spoke

“Will you be bringing Bella to… meet the family, Edward?”

I glanced at him for half a second before slowly turning, with accusing eyes, to frown at Alice.

“I was just telling Carlisle the few possible futures I saw for tomorrow, that all” she said with a ring of innocence in her voice and eyes wide.

It was impossible not to believe her. My eyes fluttered to Jasper for a second as I answered Carlisle “Idon’t know”

There was a ear splitting smash from the kitchen.

“If you decide to bring Bella here I’d be more than happy to welcome her” Carlisle continued

16



“And I would love… like to meet her too” Esme began as she started to walk to the back of the house “but right now I’d like to salvage what’s left of my kitchen or Emmett for that matter” she smiled warmly

and disappeared.

Jasper’s thoughts filled my mind. I don’t know about bringing Bella here Edward… I’m not sure… He was

scared that he wasn’t strong enough. I looked at him through narrowed eyes

“Give him some credit, Edward” Alice cut in bitterly

“Just keep your distance” I snapped at Jasper ignoring Alice’s glare.

I needed to get out of here. “Sorry” I whispered while fleeting to my room and slamming the door behindme.

I couldn’t take anymore of this. Everyday was a chore. Juggling my family and Bella. Sometimes I didn’tknow if I was protecting Bella from my family and myself or protecting my family from Bella? I was

shaking my head as I looked for clothes in my closet. I needed to be near Bella again. My anxieties

seemed to melt away when I watched her sleep.

I found a white shirt and blue jeans as there was a light knock on my door. If I ignored her she might goaway.

“Oh stop being melodramatic, Edward” Alice walked in without consent “I just wanted to see you beforeyou left, that‘s all”

I turned to glare at her as she sat herself on my long black leather couch, folding her hands over herchest tightly.

“You love her, and as soon as you realise just how much you’ll stop all this over done brooding stuff” shequipped, winking at me. I couldn’t help giving her a half smile. I was rather doom and gloom lately, I

thought as I picked a tanned sweater out.

“Hurry up, she’s almost asleep…well she trying” Alice told me whilst eyeing my chosen clothes. Then shechuckled blocking out whatever thought that amused her just then and flitted out of the room. Eyeing my

clothes I wondered what that was about. I hurried to freshen up and change.

Racing out of the house and running through the forest alleviated me almost instantly. The speed and thewind made me feel free of all the weight I felt in the house. The unneeded air was welcome in my lungs

and I breathed it in deep.

Bella was fast asleep but her body didn’t look entirely relaxed. She had headphones in with the music stillgoing. I wondered if I should turn it off. But decided against it. Partly because I didn’t want to wake her

and partly because that was just excuse to touch her. I shook my head.

Instead I sat quietly in the rocking chair thinking of the day ahead. Could I really be alone with Bella forthat long?

No witnesses… An echo of the monster inside me reminded. It wasn’t as strong as before. The monsterwas getting weaker. But he was still there. I concluded wryly.

Bella seemed more peaceful as the night moved forward.

I watched her steady breathing and took in her scent every so often with exaggerated deep breaths. It

burned. Deal with it I told myself and breathed even deeper.

I thought about leaving in the morning and cancelling the trip.

17



I ran through the conversation in my mind. I would tell her the age old ‘something came up’ reason. ButI knew Bella would be eager to cash in on the rain check that particular reason would involve. And, I

would of course, concede.

The next few hours were spent running through excuses and then deciding what reaction Bella would

have to each one. I smiled at myself. I was getting quite good at guessing what she might say or do.

I could go through every justification in my mind, but I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to use any one of them.

I wanted to keep Bella safe and I am still so undecided about her being safe with me? This made me feelweak. This wasn’t the strength that Esme had seen in me. Or the faith that Alice had. Or even Tanya’s

words when I had run to Denali not long ago.

I truly was a monster. I shouldn’t endanger her if I wasn’t a hundred percent sure that… I trailed off in tomany different scenarios in my mind. Some which I had had when I first encountered Bella Swan’s scent.

The urge, the uncontrollable desire. The lack of care to what happened after I had devoured her. Wasthat all really buried now. No, not completely. But it was less. Less? I questioned myself. How much less.

Enough to last the day?

I didn’t know the answer to that. Wanting to occupy my mind away from guilty thoughts I looked out of the window. It was very still outside. The world was still asleep. My eyes stopped at Bella’s truck. Wincing

slightly as I remembered the deal I had agreed with her in haste. She was going to be driving tomorrow.In that. I should go down there now remove the rotor, that way she would have no choice but to allow

me to get my car. But that it wouldn’t fool her, Bella would know I had something to do with thedisabling of her truck.

A short while after dawn had broken Charlie was pulling out of the drive. As his car vanished down theroad I looked back to the sleeping beauty not too far from me. She would wake soon. I should leave. But

I couldn’t make my legs move.

I slid out of Bella’s window and was now standing against the wall beside her front door. She wouldn’t be

able to see me at this angle from upstairs, listening to her hurrying around. I was still in a gloomymindset. I didn’t know if I should be here, still ready to go through the day as planned. I didn’t want to

let Bella down but I didn’t want to disappoint my family either. And most of all, I didn’t want to be thereason Bella ceased to exist. I shuddered. I am stronger . I told myself. Of course I am. But the words

seemed hollow.

I heard her footsteps coming down the stairs and I before I knew it I was facing the door and my handlightly tapping

Knock knock knock

No turning back now.

There was a small delay while she struggled with the dead bolt but as soon as the door was open I mether eyes and they were wide and excited. I looked over her and realised instantly why Alice had laughedat my choice of clothes. This helped my mood considerably and I chuckled as I spoke “Good morning”

“What’s wrong?” she replied anxiously

“We match.”

She laughed with me, the sound was melodic.

She locked the door as I began walking to her truck. I stood beside the passenger door regretting mydecision about not hindering it.

18



Bella had a tinge of smugness to her face as she spoke “We had a deal” she reminded me. I climbed insilently when she unlocked my door from the inside.

“Where to?” she asked.

“Put your seat belt on - I’m already nervous”

She narrowed her eyes at me as she did so.

“Take the on-oh-one north” I instructed.

I was staring her face as she drove. She kept focus mostly on the road but every so often her eyes would

just slightly jerk to the side at me. To check if I was still looking. But I couldn’t tear my gaze from her.

I realised how much slower than usual she was driving.

“Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?”

“This truck is old enough to be your car’s grandfather - have some respect” she snapped back.

Finally we had left the town borders and the conventional houses had been replaced by greenery, treesand underbrush.

“Turn right on the one-ten” I instructed again and smiled as I purposely added “Now we drive until thepavement ends”

I watched her eyes slightly widen and her knuckles whiten just faintly over the steering wheel. Just thereaction I had predicted.

“And what’s there, at the pavement’s end?” she questioned

“A trail”

“We’re hiking?”

“Is that a problem?” I knew she’d not be too pleased

“Don’t worry, it’s only five miles or so, and we’re in no hurry”

She didn’t reply. We drove silently now and I watched her face intently. She seem anxious, nervous. Wasit because she finally realised that she didn’t want to be alone with me. Not in a empty forest anyway.

She still didn’t speak. This was going to drive me insane.

“What are you thinking?” I broke the silence almost rudely.

“Just wondering where we’re going”

“It’s a place I like to go when the weather is nice” I looked out of the window at the same time she did.The clouds were retreating

“Charlie said it would be warm today”

“And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?”

19



“Nope” she replied. She hadn’t told her father?

“But Jessica thinks we’re going to Seattle together?” At least someone knew that she was with me, Icouldn’t slip up now.

“No, I told her you cancelled on me - which is true”

“No one knows you’re with me?” How could she be so stupid, didn’t she understand what I was capableof?

“That depends… I assume you told Alice”

“That’s very helpful, Bella” What an apt time to make jokes. She didn‘t reply and I just got harsher “Areyou so depressed with Forks that it’s made you suicidal?”

“You said it might cause trouble for you… us being together publicly”

“So you’re worried about the trouble it might cause me - if you don’t come home” I tried hard not to raisemy voice

Bella just nodded, and didn’t turn to look at me.

“Of course you’d make this as difficult as possible for me” I murmured so slow there was no hope of hercatching that.

We drove silently for the rest of the journey, if I spoke now it would only come out as a growl orprofanities. Neither of which I wanted Bella to hear.

We arrived at the beginning of the narrow marked out trail. Bella parked the truck on the edge and got

out. I waited a moment and watched her remove her sweater and tie it around her waist. She had on asleeveless shirt. He ivory skin looked soft. Warm. I shook my head quickly and looked up at the sky. Thesun was beginning to shine brighter now making the day much warmer. Climbing out, I removed my ownsweater but placed on the seat. Then I slammed the truck door to catch Bella’s attention. I kept my bodyfacing forward into the vast forest awaiting us, but turned my face to look over my shoulder as I spoke

“This way” The annoyance was still clear in my voice and I began to walk into the forest.

“The trail” Bella’s voice was frightened.

“I said there was a trail at the end of the road, not that we were taking it”

“No trail” the same panic in her voice. She was actually reacting as she should.

“I won’t let you get lost”

She seemed like she choked on whatever she was going to say as I turned to smirk at her now. Her eyes

met mine and I was confused by the sadness I saw in them. Why would she be upset ?

“Do you want to go home” I asked quietly. I didn’t want her to go but I couldn’t let her be this frightened

“No” she replied and then walked beside me closer as if to affirm her answer.

“What’s wrong?” my voice calmer now.

“I’m not a good hiker. You’ll have to be very patient.” she replied unhappily

20



“I can be patient - if I make a great effort” I stared down at her face smiling, trying to ease her fear.

“I’ll take you home” I finally promised hoping to relieve her doubts.

“If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you’d better start leading the

way” she said sourly. I couldn’t understand why she would be angry now. I frowned at her but sheoffered me no answer. So I began into the forest and she followed. She seemed to relax once we got

deeper and I didn’t want her falling so I would hold aside all the damp ferns and moss webs for her. Andwhenever we would encounter obstacles such as fallen trees or rocks I would help her, lifting her gentlyby her elbow. The warmth of her skin stunned me every time. And I could hear her heartbeat accelerate.

I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing. Maybe it was out of fear. Her eyes were sad whenever I caughther looking at me. We carried on walking mostly in silence unless I offered a question. I was lighter withthe quizzing today. She told me she had killed all her pet fish and this made me laugh loud. It was such a

relief to be able to laugh this way. So openly. So fully. It felt so good.

We carried on walking through the green maze at human pace. It didn’t bother me to take it this slow. It just meant more time with Bella. The ancient trees continued to bound out around us as we continued on

my path. We were close to the meadow now and the sun was beginning to shine down on the murky

green, brightening it vividly. I could hear the rhythm of the gentle stream, and see the white, violet andyellow colours of the wild flowers ahead.

“Are we there yet?” Bella mocked

That made me smile to hear that her mood was more lifted. “Nearly, do you see the brightness ahead?”

She squinted “Um, should I?

“Maybe it’s too soon for your eyes”

“Time to visit the optometrist” She was much happier now. I grinned at her ease.

After another a few moments Bella began to over take my stride. Walking ahead, almost eagerly, into thebright yellow shades. She walked through into the perfect round meadow looking around at the beauty of

it. I stayed behind under a dark shade watching her warily. She turned her head to find me and thenspun her whole body round until her eyes rested on mine. Could I do this? Could I show her what I am.She knew of course, but to see it… would it be too much? Would she allow me to take her back to the

truck before she started screaming? I sighed almost silently to myself as Bella watched. Anticipation onher face. To my surprise she took a step towards me and smiled. I didn’t move. Again another step

towards me as she gestured with her hand for me to come closer. I held up my hand quickly. I didn’twant her to get too close.

Okay it was time. I took one last unneeded deep breath and walked out under the bright glow of themidday sun.

21





“It’s a hard life” I continued “But you didn’t tell me”

“I was wishing I could know what you were thinking…” She asked wearily

“And?”

“I was wishing that I could believe you were real. And I was wishing that that I wasn’t afraid”

“I don’t want you to be afraid” And as I spoke the words I realised how true they were. The pain Bella’sscent caused me would be insignificant compared to what I would feel if I was to ever hurt this frail girl. I

knew right then that that pain would be far greater that what I endured everyday.

“Well, that’s not exactly the fear I meant, thought that’s certainly something to think about”

That surprised me. So much so I half sat up and found myself closer to Bella’s face than I expected. But

she didn’t move back. My eyes locked on hers as her scent hit me stronger than ever at this proximity “What are you afraid of, then?” I pressed

But instead of answering me she moved closer still. Her face was almost touching mine and her breathalmost drove me completely insane right then. As she inhaled I tore my hand from hers and within a

blink of a human eye I was standing in the shadows, at edge of the meadow. Bella focused on me withblatant shock on her face. I thought I saw the glimpse of another emotion. Pain? No… Hurt. I had hurt

her feelings even after my resolution before.

“I’m… sorry…Edward…” she whispered quietly.

“Give me a moment” I said back just loud enough for her to hear me.

I stared at her from this distance. This distance…is what I should have kept between us from thebeginning. This was almost a ‘safe’ distance between us. No. There was no safe distance for her.

Keeping my eyes on her face, careful not to alarm her again I started walking back slowly. I didn’t dareget that close to her again so soon. Instead I stopped a few feet away and sat back on the grass. Herscent found it’s way to me, of course. Inhaling deeply a couple of times I welcomed the burning back.

Smiling my most human smile I began “I am so very sorry”

Was there any normal way to apologise for being a vampire?

“Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?”

No there wasn’t.

I could hear her heart thudding harder and the blood coursing through her veins with a rush. Thisreaction I was familiar with. I had seen it so many times on the faces on those that met their end with

me. This emotion I knew. Fear. Fear raced across Bella’s face.

Though I continued to smile at her but it began to feel more sardonic now. This was the chance youwanted. Take it. I growled at myself. Take it. Make her run. Make her run away from you.

“I’m the world’s best predator, aren’t I? Everything about me invites you in - my voice, my face, even mysmell. As if I need any of that!”

I jumped to my feet arrogantly and ran out of her sight. Within half a second I left a trail of wind behind

me, as I circled the entire meadow twice and stood back at my ‘safe’ distance under the shadows of thefir tree.

23



She needs to know what I am.

“As if you could outrun me,” A hostile laugh escaped as I ripped a thick branch from the tree. Showing itoff I let it sit in my hand for a moment before throwing it so fast I’m sure Bella didn’t see it fly but onlyheard the noise it made when it shattered into another tree which almost bowed over by the collision.

Before the noise faded I was already standing only two feet away from her.

“As if you could fight me off” I said much more quietly. This seemed to make her further afraid.Unbeknown to her I saw her hands were slightly trembling.

Bella did not move, but the colour from her face was almost drained and her eyes unable to break frommy hostile gaze. You’ve done it. Now just go. Leave her here. Show her you’re the monster.

I couldn’t move and with every passing second I realised it was me who couldn’t break from her gaze.

A gloom set around me. I spoke again, much more softly “Don’t be afraid. I promise…” That wasn’t

enough for her or even for myself “I swear not to hurt you”

Slowly, very slowly I began to step closer to where she sat. “Don’t be afraid” I wasn’t sure if I was talking

to her or myself at this point. I sat down, our faces less than a foot apart now.

“Please forgive me” The words sounded official somehow, slightly rehearsed even. “I can control myself.You caught me off guard. But I‘m on my best behaviour now.”

Bella’s heart was thumping at the same speed. I was going to have to do better than that to put her backat ease. Did I want her to be back at ease?

“I’m not thirsty today, honestly” I half lied with a wink to add effect to my failed attempt of humour.

She exhaled and began to laugh still taken aback.

“Are you all right?” I said warmly as I placed my hand back from where I had snatched it from before.

She didn’t answer me still, and looked down at my hand in hers and then back up into my eyes. Shemust have seen something in them to relax her a bit as her heart began to set itself back into a slower

rhythm and she carried on tracing her warm fingertips across my cold hand.

When she looked up again she answered my earlier concerns with a slight smile and I grinned back

openly.

“So where were we, before I behaved so rudely”

“I honestly can’t remember” she finally spoke.

“I think we were talking about why you were afraid” Back to this subject I thought feeling guilty “Besidesthe obvious reason.”

“Oh right” was all she offered.

“Well?” I pressed

She didn’t answer me. Instead her focus was back on my hand as she was lost in her private thoughts.Oh this was going to drive me mad by the end of today. I hated not knowing what went through her

mind.

24



“How easily frustrated I am” I sighed and Bella looked up and whatever she found in my face seemed tocalm her further.

“I was afraid… because, well, for obvious reasons, I can’t stay with you.” she looked down at my handsseeming slightly embarrassed and she continued “And I‘m afraid I‘d like to stay with you, much more

than I should”

Ah. I thought. I understood very well what she meant. I felt the same. Wanting her when I knew Ishouldn’t.

“Yes” I began quietly “That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That’s really notin your best interest”

Bella’s browed puckered slightly at my words.

“I should have left long ago.” I sighed but carried on telling the truth as I always did in her presence “I

should leave now. But I don’t know if I can”

“I don’t want you to leave” she said almost incomprehensibly, the heat in her face back faintly.

“Which is exactly why I should. But don’t worry. I’m essentially a selfish creature. I crave your companytoo much to do what I should”

“I’m glad” she said. This frustrated me a little.

Gently this time I slowly took my hand from hers “Don’t be!” I had to say it bluntly for her to understand.I looked away from her face and into the forest so I wouldn’t falter when I spoke again. “It’s not only

your company I crave! Never forgot that . Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyoneelse.”

She was silent for a moment. Was she finally afraid now?

“I don’t think I understand exactly what you mean - by the last part anyway”

Of course. Confused. Inquisitive. Same every time. I don’t know why I keep expecting her to be afraid. Ishould know by now, she’s sitting fully aware and alone in a forest with a vampire it‘ll take more than

words. This thought had me smiling and I looked back to her face.

“How do I explain? And without frightening you again… hmmmm.” Keeping my eyes on her face I placedmy hand back into her, this time she held it with both hands and much tighter.

“That’s amazingly pleasant, the warmth.” I looked down at our hands.

I tried to think of the best way to explain her draw for me.

“You know how everyone enjoys different flavours?” This was the best I could think of right now. “Somepeople love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?”

She nodded.

“Sorry about the food analogy - I couldn’t think of another way to explain.”

She smiled as she understood what I meant. I smiled back slightly apologetic.

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“You see every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room fullof stale beer, he’d gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic.

Now let’s say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest finest cognac - andfilled the room with it’s warm aroma - how do you think he would fare then?” She stared into my eyes as

I tried to find an answer in hers. Nothing.

“Maybe that’s not the right comparison” I thought out loud “Maybe it would be too easy to turn thebrandy down. Perhaps, I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead”

“So what you’re saying is, I’m your brand of heroin?” Bella answered in a mocking tone.

I smiled.

“Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin”

“Does that happen often?” her question was one I was expecting long ago.

I looked out at the treetops and recalled my talk with Jasper and Emmett.

“I spoke to my brothers about it” I began “To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He’s the most

recent to join our family” I struggled with the last bit. I didn’t want to let too much out about Jasper “It’sa struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn’t had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in

flavour.” I quickly looked back at Bella’s face to see if I had offended her in any way.

“Sorry” I apologised

“I don’t mind. Please don’t worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever. That’s the wayyou think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can.”

She was far too relaxed. I sighed heavy and looked away from her again. My words flowed more freelynow.

“So Jasper wasn’t sure if he’d ever come across someone who was as” - what would I say? What wordwould best describer her without offending her? - “appealing as you are to me. Which makes me think

not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twicefor him, once stronger than the other”

“And for you?” Her question startled me. But I didn’t let that slip.

“Never” I answered simply and the silence took over.

“What did Emmett do?” Bella asked.

I didn’t want to tell her this. She knew we were monsters but she didn’t need to know what us monsters

did . There was no way I could explain this to her. My hand became a fist in hers and I refused to breakthe silence that lingered now.

“I guess I know.” Bella finally said.

After a few moments I had gathered myself and I looked back at Bella.

“Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don’t we?” was all I could think of to say in defence of Emmett.

“What are you asking? My permission?” she said abruptly. But her face softened immediately and hervoice was kinder when she added “I mean, is there no hope, then?”

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Is that was she though? I was just biding time until the end. Softening the blow that I would eventuallykill her? I couldn’t let her think that!

“No, no!” I spoke fast now “Of course there’s hope! I mean of course I won’t…” Won’t I? Was I this sure?I just stared at her and left that sentence unfinished. “It’s different for us. Emmett… these were strangers

he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn’t as… practiced, as careful as he is now”

I watched her face, trying to read it.

“So,” she began “if we’d met… oh, in a dark alley or something…” There was a question that. I wanted tobe honest with her again but I didn’t know if this would be a little too much information. I spoke

regardless.

“It took everything I had not to jump in the middle of that class full of children and -” No I wouldn’t beable to tell her that. I decided to take another way round. “When you walked past me, I could have

ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn’t been denying my thirst for thelast for the last, well, too many years, I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself.” I made myself stopthen and tore my eyes from her face. I was angry with myself. I didn’t want to think about that one

nearly bloody day not so long ago where I had almost lost everything I had become over the years.Looking back at her now I tried to lighten the tone in my voice. “You must have thought I was

possessed.”

“I couldn’t understand why. How you could hate me so quickly…” I interrupted her and began speaking alltoo quick again. The words almost inaudible to a human.

“To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruinme. The fragrance coming off your skin… I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one

hour I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And Ifought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away

before I could speak the words that would make you follow…”

I watched her as she processed everything I had just said to her. Seeing that first day through my eyes,

Bella was a little shaken.

“You would have come.” I promised her.

“Without a doubt.” she said trying hard to hide the alarm in her voice.

I looked down at our hands. If I’ve started I may as well continue I thought grimly. “And then, as I triedto rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there - in that close, warm littleroom, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human

there - so easily dealt with”

I felt Bella shiver slightly. The sun was warm so I knew it wasn’t because she was cold. I still didn’t lookup and continued “But I resisted. I don’t know how. I forced myself not to wait for you, not to follow youfrom the school. It was easier outside when I couldn’t smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make theright decision. I left the others near home - I was too ashamed to tell them how weal I was, the only

knew something was very wrong - and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I wasleaving.” I recalled the guilt I had felt that day and grimaced. “By the next morning I was in Alaska. Ispent two days there with some odl acquaintances… but I was home sick. I hated knowing I’d upset

Esme, and the rest of them, my adapted family. In the pure air of the mountain it was hard to believeyou were so irresistible.” I left out the bit where all I could see was her face., With my eyes closed or

open. Her face had not left me for even a second. “I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I’d dealtwith temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an

insignificant little girl”- I looked up at her and smiled widely knowing how this would sound to her - “tochase me from the place I wanted to be. So I came back…” I stopped there. And looked away into the

depth of the forest. Waiting for her response. But I got nothing and I continued to explain myself further.

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“I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure I was strongenough to treat you like any other human. I was arrogant about it.

“It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn’t simply read your thoughts to know what yourreaction was to me. I wasn’t used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in

Jessica’s mind… her mind isn’t very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then Icouldn’t know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating” I paused andremembered the laboriousness of having to stay in Jessica’s mind longer than I usually liked.

“I wanted you to forget my behaviour that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk with you like I would anyperson. I was eager actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too interesting, Ifound myself caught up in your expressions… and every now and then you would stir the air with your

hand or your hair, and the scent would stun me again…

“Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes. Later I thought of a perfectlygood excuse for why I acted at that moment -” I half paused at what I what I was about to unveil and

continued “because if I hadn’t saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don’t thinkI could have stopped myself from exposing us for what we are. But I only thought of that excuse later. At

the time, all I could think of was, ‘Not her’ ”

I was silent now. My eyes closed. It was a long moment before Bella spoke. “In the hospital?”

I looked up at her. “I was appalled. I couldn’t believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself In yourpower - you of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you.” I recoiled as soon as the word

slipped from me. She did the same. I continued urgently, trying cover that moment “But it had theopposite effect, I fought with Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time…

the worst fight we’ve ever had. Carlisle sided with me and Alice.” I frowned as Alice’s visions flooded mymind once again. “Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay.

“All that next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone that you spoke to shocked that kept yourword. I didn’t understand you at all but I knew I couldn’t become more involved with you. I did my very

best to stay far from you as possible. And everyday the perfume of your skin, your breath, your hair… ithit me as hard as the first day.” I looked at her now with such fondness and affection. “And for all that I’d

have fared better if I had exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here - with no witnesses andnothing to stop me - I were to hurt you.”

“Why?” she asked

I was amused suddenly with such a candid question. “Isabella” I said as I ruffled her hair and the warmthof it coursed through me again and her scent was stirred hitting my senses.

“Bella, I couldn’t live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don’t know how it’s tortured me” I looked downagain, feeling embarrassed. “The thought of you still, white, cold… to never you blush scarlet again, to

never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretences… it would beunendurable.” I looked up at her face and finally had the strength to say the words I needed her to hear “You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever”

I waited for her to tell me what she thought. Whatever it would be. Whether she chose to accept it ornot. I needed to know.

“You already know how I feel, of course. I’m here… which, roughly translated means I would rather diethan stay away from you.” She frowned and kept her eyes low. “I’m an idiot.” she finished off.

“You are an idiot” I had to agree but my laugh lightened the words and as I did so she joined in with herquiet laugh looking at me. What an odd and completely wrong situation. Nothing could be more perfect.

“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…” I said quietly. She blushed and looked away.

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“What a stupid lamb” she replied.

“What a sick, masochistic lion” I upped the idiocy stakes.

Was I giving her false hope or myself. I knew there was no way I could hurt her. And she seemed to

believe that too. But still… If I ever was to make a mistake. The cost would be great. Not just to me. Butmy family. Although my pain would never be…

“Why…” Bella interrupted my thoughts.

I turned back to smile at her. “Yes?” I urged her to continue as the afternoon sun hit my face again.

“Tell me why you ran from me before”

Not a question I wanted to hear.

“You know why” I answered, my smile fading.

No, I mean, exactly what did I do wrong? I’ll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learningwhat I shouldn’t do. This for example” - she stroked the back of my hand with a finger - “seems to be all

right”

That made me smile again. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault”

“But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you”

She was hanging in the balance here and she wanted to not make things harder for me? “Well…” I beganwondering how to phrase the next words. “It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shyaway from us, arte repelled by our alienness… I wasn’t expecting you to come so close. And the smell of

your throat .” I stopped abruptly. Was that too much? I waited for her reaction as usual. Unable to knowinstantly like I could with everyone else.

“Okay then” Her tone was dismissive and cut through my fears quickly. “No throat exposure” She finishedtucking her chin. Concealing her neck from me. This made me laugh when I responded. “No, really, it

was the surprise more than anything else” I think…

Slowly I raised my free hand and placed it on her neck. Trying to make my actions mirror my words of reassurance. Her soft skin felt wonderfully warm.

“You see, perfectly fine”

I felt her blood rushing and a beautiful scarlet race up to her face. Adding the perfect amount of colour.

“The blush on your cheeks is lovely” I said quietly. Not knowing if I wanted her to hear. But my actionshad no hesitance and I took my other hand from hers and brushed the side of her face. And then held it

in-between both my hands.

“Be very still” I said, not knowing how to control my body, and not wanting to now, I moved closer to hermy eyes holding hers. I wanted more than anything to touch her lips with mine, but I wasn’t sure how

and I didn’t know if that was a step too far. So instead I softly I placed my cheek at the base of thethroat. Breathing as evenly as I could. Finding that it was a different kind of hunger I felt when I was thisclose to Bella. A hunger I didn’t know what to call. I wasn’t sure what this was and without thinking again

I let my hands slide down her neck very slowly, so I could fell the warmth of her skin for longer. Bellashivered delicately and I stopped breathing immediately. But my hands didn’t stop moving until they

rested on her shoulders. Her smell was overpowering, but again I was surprised that it wasn’t in the way

I had come to expect.

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“I’m not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?”

“For me?” she hesitated a little “No, never. Never before this”

Holding her hands in mine I told her yet another uncontrollable truth

“I don’t know how to be close to you. I don‘t know if I can” But I want to. I never want you to be awayfrom me. The last part I couldn’t say aloud.

And then surprising me Bella leaned towards me and placed the side of her face against my chest andmurmured “This is enough.”

She was right… This was enough. Just to have her so close. Protected. I’d never let anything harm thisbeautiful girl in my arms right now. Least of all me.

I leaned down and put my face on her warm head, inhaling the scent of her hair. Was I smellingstrawberries? It was faint but it was there.

“You’re better at this than you give yourself credit for” she interrupted my musing.

“I have human instincts - they may be buried deep, but they’re there”

We sat like that as I watched the sun fade away. The sky changed from a deep yellow to a musty orange.And darker still. Now the sky began to dull into a more grey and Bella sighed, Her breath stirred the air

around us. I realised it must be time for her to head back

“You have to go”

“I thought you couldn’t read my mind” she said

“It’s getting clearer” I mocked. Oh how I wish it were true. But her mind was just as silent as the firsttime I encountered her. And then something occurred to me. Excited me. I pulled her shoulders back.

She looked up at me with confusion at my sudden exhilaration

“Can I show you something? I asked

“Show me what?”

“I’ll show you how I travel in the forest” I was thrilled at the idea of showing her how I ran. Showing hermy speed.

Now Bella looked even more bemused and slightly fearful.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be very safe, and we’ll get to your truck much faster” I half smiled at her.

“Will you turn into a bat?” She asked quietly.

I boomed with laughter. I don’t know if it was Bella’s face as she asked me that or the sheer anticipationof having a non vampire to share this with but I laughed loud. Louder than I can ever remember

laughing.

“Like I haven’t heard that one before!”

“Right I’m sure you get that all the time.”

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“Come on, little coward, climb on my back”

She looked at me as if I had just told a bad joke. So without wasting more time trying to convince her Ireached out to pull her on my back. I felt her heart fluttering like a butterfly. Her scent whirled aroundme as she secured her arms and legs around me tightly. Her face next to mine. Her breath on my neck.

“I’m a bit heavier than your average backpack” she warned.

“Hah!” I exhaled. She wasn’t getting out of this one.

I took her hand and pressed my face into her palm, inhaling deeply.

“Easier all the time” And it was true.

Then I began to run.

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22985537 Chapter 13 17 Midnight Sun

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