2 February 2015

Somebody filched from Keplinger rock and mineral display, p. 4

Student voyeur caught on Sorority Row, p. 3 High-tech Scissortail

Farms raises produce locally, p. 3

After overtime victory, men’s basketball still undefeated in AAC, p. 11

There’s been gerrymandering in Flatland! p. 8

Choose your own adventure on a boring Friday night, p. 6

Anti-LGBT bills inconsistent with conservative goals, p. 9

Elias Brinkman / Collegian

the Collegian : 2 2 February 2015

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Lee Blessing, a Pulitzer-nominated playwright, held a staged reading of his play, “The Hourglass Project,” Jan. 30 and 31 at the Lorton Performance Center.

Blessing has written more than 20 plays and screenplays throughout his career. “The Hourglass Project” was a recent commision by the Hendrix College Department of Theatre Arts and Dance in Arkansas.

The production at TU is only the second time the material has been on stage. Professor Michael Wright, who teaches Creative Writing, Theater and Film, said that students had three days before the first showing to work on the play.

While the production is important, Wright said this week has “been even more important for teaching students.” “The play was not perfected (by years of reproduction on the professional stage),” Wright said. The play, according to Wright, gave students an opportunity most theater students don’t get throughout college.

“Some universities are unadventurous,” Blessing said. But he is “more interested in theaters and universities doing new and more recent work,” and had a “great time” organizing the reading here.

Blessing and Wright have a long history, which was part of the reason “The Hourglass Project” was brought to TU.

After Hendrix College performed the play, Blessing contacted Wright and others about taking it on as well. Wright “loved the idea of it.”

Blessing had also been to TU two or three times, with both his work and previous students, when he worked at Rutgers University.

As for “The Hourglass Project,” Blessing was influenced by the book “The Singularity is Near” by Ray Kurzweil. He wanted to write roles for 20 year olds, but “wanted a different take.” “The Singularity is Near” touched on a fascination of Blessing’s.

The book describes when humanity’s knowledge of science, technology and themselves will collide to create a “quantum leap” in understanding and ability.

According to Blessing, technological advances raise “a lot of questions of how we behave, the degree to which we change ethically, morally, and how we’ll do when faced with those kinds of decisions.”

He treats the topic with a “somewhat comedic tone,” however, because it is “too grim of a topic to treat in a dramatic light.”

The topic was new to Blessing, although it was something that fascinated him.

“I write a lot of different plays,” Blessing said, but he “just got attracted to this idea.” He likes to experiment with a variety of styles and genres, and “The Hourglass Project” was an example of this.

After the staged reading, Blessing had a talkback with the audience. He noted, however, that “most everything I learn comes from watching the audience.”

An audience is “at their most honest and eloquent” during the production itself, when he can watch reactions.

At talkbacks, he does hear “very interesting and relevant points” as well.

While Blessing is currently writing a play to world premiere in April, he is constantly revising former ones, including “The Hourglass Project.”

“I’m always trying to get them produced,” he said, noting that he’s “sometimes successful.” One of his plays from the 1980s is set to run in France this year.

Wright hopes to have a full production of “The Hourglass Project” next year.

Students read Lee Blessing’s “The Hourglass Project”Professor Michael Wright worked with Pulitzer-nominated playwright Lee Blessing to host a reading of “The Hourglass Project,” Blessing’s play about humanity, science and technology. Student Life Reporter Michaela Flonard reports.

TU students perform a dramatic reading of Lee Blessing’s play “The Hourglass Project.” This was only the second time this play had been heard by an audience.

Oscar Ho / Collegian

Lee Blessing is a Pulitzer-nominated playwright.Courtesy Reed Magazine

Jan. 199:25 a.m.Officers were dispatched to Chapman Hall to pick up a found property. Officers retrieved a pair of brown sunglasses, a purple coffee / water bottle, and a gray coat with red letters displaying “TU Service Day 2013”. All the properties were placed in property room for safe keeping.

2:30 p.m. A set of keys were found near the Case Ten-nis Center and turned into the Physical Plant. The keys were tracked by the locksmith and it belonged to a Fisher West Apartment. Of-ficers attempted to make contact at Case Tennis Center and the Fisher West Apart-ment but were unable to locate the owner. The set of keys were stored in the property room for safe keeping.

Jan. 2112:56 a.m. Officers were dispatched to Fisher West for a student who reported they were experienc-

ing heart attack like symptoms. EMSA ar-rived on scene and evaluated the student and determined the student was experiencing an anxiety attack and that it was not necessary to transport him to a medical facility for fur-ther treatment.

9:00 a.m. Officers were dispatched to a non-injury motor vehicle accident at 5th and College Ave between two University of Tulsa Staff members. Minor damage occurred to only one vehicle involved.

4:41 p.m. A black IPad mini was turned at the Secu-rity Office and it was secured in the property locker for safe keeping.

Jan. 221:00 p.m. Officers are investigating a report of possi-ble dating violence that occurred on 18 Jan-uary 2015, approximately 12:35 AM at the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity. Details of the in-

cident were provided by an anonymous wit-ness who did not know the parties involved. Further investigation has revealed the iden-tities of the victim (student) and suspect (not affiliated with TU) and has been turned over to Student Affairs.

3:15 p.m. A shuttle driver reported an unidentified per-son tripped and fell while exiting the shuttle near Chapman Hall. The person claimed to be fine and left the scene. Officers were un-able to locate the person.

7:55 p.m. Officers responded to a vehicle fire in the 8th & Harvard Lot. Officers were able to extinguish the fire in the vehicle engine compartment prior to the arrival of Tulsa Fire Department. The cause of the fire was determined to be a leaking fuel line.

8:20 p.m. Officers responded to the UMC Lot after witnesses reported an intoxicated male. Of-ficers located and identified the male as not affiliated with TU. Tulsa Police were con-tacted and refused to arrest the male for public intoxication since he lived close to campus. Officers issued the male a trespass warning to stay off campus.

Jan. 236:00 p.m.Officers found a non-University of Tulsa affiliate in a student’s apartment in Mayo Village. The suspect is banned from campus and a contact card was issued. The suspect was escorted off campus by officers and a updated contact card was created.

5:20 p.m.A car key, and ring with a TU keys were found in a classroom at Keplinger Hall. The keys were was impounded at the Security Office for safe keeping.

neWS the Collegian : 32 February 2015

Oscar Ho / Collegian

In 2010, the founders of Scissortail Farms, Rob Walenta and John Sulton, realized that most of the leafy greens found in Tulsa’s produce sections came from California or Arizona.

They started looking into technologies that would help them produce locally grown vegetables that could get to the market in hours instead of days.

Scissortail Farms found the solution in aeroponic farming. Unlike conventional farms, aeroponic farms grow plants without soil.

In place of dirt, they use nutrient enhanced water to feed the plant all the minerals it needs.

Aeroponics stands apart from other forms of hydroponics because it uses less water. Instead of floating in a bin of water, the

plant is suspended in a hollow tower with 43 of its buddies where its roots hang in the air and absorb water that rains down on them.

More plants can grow this way than one might expect. Right now, Scissortail Farms produces 9 types of lettuce, 14 different leafy greens and 10 separate herbs. Chief Operations Officer, Rob Walenta, said that his favorite product is sorrel.

The most popular products among Scissortail’s customers are their romaine and arugula.

In order to maintain a regular growing cycle all year round, Scissortail Farms needs a lot of equipment.

They have a large boiler system to keep the temperature steady, carbon dioxide generators to give the plants the air they need and lights to balance the amount of

lighting the plants get during summer and winter.

Because they don’t have to worry about inclimate weather, they can sell at a regular price all year long.

Scissortail’s technology comes from Future Growing LLC, a company based in Central Florida.

The company has a patent on the towers and on the nutrient water that the plants use.

Aeroponic farming is not limited to leafy plants. Growing fruits and vegetables that flower is also possible, though more difficult.

In the future, Scissortail plans to expand so that they can produce a wider variety of food for Tulsa consumers.

You can find Scissortail produce at Reasor’s if you’re hungry.

Or if you have a lot of money just sitting around you could try starting your own aeroponic farm.

Although the executive officers couldn’t give us an exact amount of the initial investment, they assured us that this is not a business one should enter into lightly.

Scissortail Farms is still growing. They now have 12 employees and plan to triple their production area in the near future.

Aeroponic farming is more space-efficient, water-efficient and time-efficient than conventional farming, and doesn’t rely on genetically modified seeds or pesticides.

One employee said, “You know what you’re doing is going to better the community, and better society.”

Scissortail Farms grows produce locally with aeroponicsTulsa’s Scissortail Farms specializes in aeroponic farming. While traditional agriculture requires soil, aeroponics allows farmers to grow produce without any soil whatsoever. Student Writer Kayleigh Thesenvitz reports.

University of Tulsa student Yonas Clarke was arrested by TPD last month on voyeur-ism charges. He was booked into the David L. Moss detention center on Jan. 16, after being arrested at his off-campus home.

Around 1 a.m. that morning, a university employee reported seeing someone looking into a dormitory window on Sorority Row. When Campus Security arrived, they found and detained Clarke.

According to the arresting officer’s prob-able cause report, Clarke told Campus Se-curity officers that he had used his cell phone to take photos of a woman while she dressed. This took place four days earlier on Jan. 12 near the Delta Delta Delta sorority house.

TPD sex crime detectives obtained a search warrant for Clarke’s phone and iden-tified the woman in the photos. Detectives interviewed the victims from each of the two incidents. One of the women wishes the press charges.

On Jan. 23, Clarke was formally charged with two misdemeanors, “Peeping Tom” and obstructing an officer, and one felony, “Peeping Tom” with an electronic device.

Sophi McArthur, president of Delta Delta Delta sorority, was informed of the incident by Campus Security. “I have heard girls say that they have been suspicious of people lin-gering around Sorority Row late at night,” said McArthur, “but this is the first time I have heard of an actual incident occurring.”

Student “Peeping Tom” arrested, chargedA TU student was arrested and charged with criminal voyeurism af-ter looking into windows on Soror-ity Row. University News Reporter Caitlin Woods reports.

Aeroponic grower Scissortail Farms tends to its produce in climate-controlled greenhouses. Rows of aeroponic columns provide extensive growing area for these leafy greens.

The University of Tulsa’s Geoscience Department has a large collection of rocks and minerals. Some of these are just for reg-ular classroom purposes, but around 2005, a large collection was donated. A rough, conservative estimate would put the value of that collection at around $50,000.

The collection was donated by Ed Sier-eveld’s family. Mr. Sierveld was a Korean War veteran and electrical engineer, but he also had a strong interest in rocks and min-erals. After he passed away, his family con-tacted Dr. Larry Rice, who was then on TU’s Board of Trustees. Dr. Rice contacted Dr. Steven Bellovich, who was the dean of the College of Engineering of Natural Science. TU accepted the donation, and had Cathy Webster, a graduate student and former lab coordinator, catalogue the collection. When TU received the collection, the rocks and minerals were in different boxes and unor-ganized. Also, while many of the specimens had handwritten labels from Mr. Siereveld, some of the labels were incorrect.

It’s difficult to estimate the size of the col-lection in terms of the number of specimens. It came in around twenty boxes, but each box contains a different number of specimens. Keplinger Hall hosts a display of many of the specimens. Based on variety, the display represents about two-thirds of what the col-lection has to offer. However, based on vol-ume, it’s closer to about a fourth of the space the collection takes up. The display consists mainly of minerals, but there are also a few meteorites and a fossilized shark tooth. All specimens have a label with their name, ori-gin, and chemical formula.

Among the minerals present is a barite rose, which is Oklahoma’s state rock. There

is also a large halite specimen. Halite is the mineral form of table salt. One of the more prominent specimens is a large amethyst ge-ode. It’s near the center of the display and one of the largest. It’s probably the heaviest of all the specimens, but some of the miner-als that have metal in them would be denser. The geode has an estimated value of $800.

When asked if there were any minerals of particular note, Dr. Cornell, a professor in the department of geosciences, selected a calcite and sphalerite on matrix specimen that comes from Tennessee. He said it’s similar to the specimens from a large area in northeast Oklahoma that have been left after a mining operation. He described that area as a “blight on the land” because as-sociated minerals like pyrite and marcasite react with water in such a way as to make the water acidic.

It’s difficult to identify what type of min-eral around a tenth of the collection is. While there are many ways to identify what type of mineral something is, those processes often result in the destruction of part of the min-eral. However, the use of an electron micro-probe in the lower level of Keplinger Hall avoids the issue. Small parts of the mineral naturally come off and stay at the bottom of their box. Dr. Cornell described these as be-ing the size of a toast crumb. The electron microprobe can use these small toast crumb size pieces to test for a mineral’s chemical composition.

Currently, TU doesn’t have the space to put the entire collection on display. So, a large portion of the collection remains in a room somewhere in Keplinger Hall. This room has very limited access, with only two keys.

neWSthe Collegian : 4 2 February 2015

TU’s rock collection rocks, two items missingAbout ten years ago, a large rock and mineral collection was donated to TU. Some of the specimens are on display; others have yet to be sorted. Politics Reporter Brennen VanderVeen reports.

At least two items have been stolen from TU’s rock and mineral display in Keplinger Hall. Politics Reporter Brennen VanderVeen reports.

Keplinger Hall hosts a large display of rocks and minerals that are part of a collec-tion donated to TU. On Jan. 29, Dr. Cornell, a geology professor, and Cathy Webster, who curated the collection, discovered that one of the locks on the display had been bro-ken. They’ve identified two items as miss-ing, a sample of labradorite and sugilite.

Those items are present in a picture that was taken in September, when the display was last cleaned. So, the theft would have happened between then and the 29. They note that the two items were not the most

valuable in the display. The labradorite has an approximate value of $90, and the su-gilite is worth about $600. However, Ms. Webster notes that both specimens reflect light in interesting ways. This leads them to believe that the thief stole the items based on their looks and was probably not an ex-pert about minerals.

Campus security is investigating the mat-ter using surveillance footage. It’s possible that it’ll take a few weeks to review all of the footage.

In our Jan. 20 issue, the article “Relaciones con Cuba: una oportunidad o un error?” said “Todos los estadounidenses no apoyan esta decisión,” when it meant “Algunos de los estadounidenses no apoyan esta decisión.”

In the same issue, Sam Beckmann should have received credit for the cover graphic. Finally, we incorrectly credited the Pew Hispanic Center for the “OK proposes hoodie

ban” graphic (p. 3), when Elias Brinkman should have been credited.

TU’s rock collection contains this brilliant chunk of Rutilated Quartz, shown next to a quarter for scale. Oscar Ho / Collegian

“Neurotic newspaper reporter Mikey McNulty is in love with June Summers, and he has plans to marry her. But when fate and family have other plans, Mikey is forced to question what he wants and what he believes.” This is Amazon’s description for the novel, “It Only Got Worse,” written by TU alumni and sports reporter RJ Young.

RJ came to the University of Tulsa to study Exercise and Sports science. He dreamed of coaching the world’s most talented future athletes. While at TU he was a cheerleader,

ran track and wrote for the Collegian. After graduating, he realized coaching

wasn’t quite the career he wanted to commit to for the rest of his life. His love of sports and talent for reporting instead led him to get his masters degree in Professional Writing at the University of Oklahoma.

Since then, he has written for the Tulsa World, The Oklahoman, Grantland, This Land, SB Nation Longform, Knoxville News Sentinel and the USA Today among many others. His favorite piece is a recent one that he wrote for SB Nation Longform about Langston University’s basketball coach, Cheryl Miller. “It was tough because my editor was pushing me to do my best,” Young said. Yet it was his proudest work because he felt that it was a growing experience that made him a better writer.

“It Only Got Worse,” Young’s first novel, was the brainchild of his masters project at OU. It took nine months to complete the first draft and is set in Norman, Oklahoma.

Yet, RJ claimed that only about 15 percent of the book was based on his own experiences. “There are some really bad things that happen to to the main character that I hope don’t happen to me,” he said.

RJ also said that it was difficult to find a publisher. He wrote the book in 2012 and sent it to many publishers and agents. He spent two years just waiting to hear some good news. It finally came in late 2014, and by December it was published and available online.

RJ’s novel is available to purchase on Amazon. There will also be a book signing on Wednesday, Feb. 25, from 6:30–8:30 p.m. at This Land Press, 1208 S. Peoria Ave. The event is free and all are welcome to attend.

Student Writer Kayleigh Thesen-vitz interviewed Collegian alum RJ Young about his novel “It Only Got Worse,” his time at TU and other projects he has worked on since he graduated.

Collegian alum publishes novel

Details of Australian hostage crisis revealed

Glebe Coroner’s Court in Sydney heard the details of how the Sydney Siege of De-cember 15, 2014 ended. Coroner Jeremy Gormly SC told the court that hostage-taker Man Haron Monis shot the owner of the Lindt café, Tori Johnson, in the head. Seconds after the execution, police stormed the café, firing 22 shots. At least two police bullets or bullet fragments hit Monis in the head and killed him; 11 others hit his body. Police bullets or bullet fragments hit three of the hostages, including barrister Katrina Dawson, who died soon after from the wounds. Dawson “was struck by six fragments of a police bullet or bullets, which ricocheted from hard surfaces into her body,” said the coroner.

Deflation continues within the Eurozone’s 19 countries. Prices are 0.6 percent lower than they were a year ago. Much of it has to do with the costs of energy and food. Disre-garding energy and food prices, inflation continues at about 0.5 percent. During the week of Jan 19, the European Central Bank announced controversial plans to begin quantita-tive easing. Signs of deflation should support the ECB’s decision, economists say. The Eurozone’s financial instability has been troublesome for countries who peg their cur-rencies to the Euro. Late last year, Switzerland introduced a negative interest rate and decoupled the franc from the Euro, allowing the franc to rise. During the week of January 26, 2015, Denmark’s Central Bank cut its interest rate twice to -0.5 percent. Denmark has no current plan to unpeg the krone from the Euro.

The Euro continues to fall in Europe

Russian and American break balloon record

Leonid Tiukhtyaev of Russia and Troy Bradley of the United States set a world record in a helium balloon. The two pilots set off from Japan on January 25 and landed in the sea off the Baja coast of Mexico. To break the record, the Two Eagles Balloon needed to stay aloft for about 138 hours, 45 minutes and travel about 5,260 miles. The team says that it had achieved “six days, 16 hours and 37 minutes” and 6,646 miles. The record must now be verified by the Federation Aeronautique Internationale.

Oscar HoStudent Writer

Italian scientists study chickens’ number sense Italian scientists have found that chicks can understand numerical quantities. The pa-

per, published in the journal “Science,” said that baby chickens map numbers spatially, similar to humans. Humans have a “mental number line,” in that when picturing the num-bers 1 to 10, most place 1 on the left and 10 on the right. Newborn chicks also associate smaller amounts with the left, and larger amounts with the right.

On Feb. 17, Tulsa’s Young Professionals (TYPros) will again go to Oklahoma City, as part of their annual Day at the Capitol.

Once a year TYPros takes a trip to the state capitol and spends the day lobbying to legislators for changes they would like to see in Tulsa.

Though this is advertised as a day of lobbying, anyone can attend and listen to what is happening in town or even attend the new Advocacy Happy Hour, which promotes in-state networking.

The Day at the Capitol began in 2006, when the Young Professionals came in support of a bill drafted by the Government Relations “crew” of the organization.

The event has seen success since then, recording an all-day attendance record at the Oklahoma capitol in 2011 and the passage of a bill mere hours after the Day at the Capitol last year—an extension of tax credits to Hollywood filmmakers.

TYPros is an organization that “provides its members with opportunities to build

relationships with local community, business and government leaders and gives a voice to Tulsa-area young professionals aged 21–40 from all professions,” according to the organizations website.

TYPros to host lobbying eventTulsa’s Young Professionals will lobby in Oklahoma City for legislation to better Tulsa and Oklahoma. Sports Reporter Wade Crawford reports.

Tulsa’s Young Professionals’ “Bring it to Tulsa” campaign is an effort to show unfilled niches in Tulsa’s economy.

Courtesy Tulsa Chamber of Commerce

RJ Young is a University of Tulsa graduate who is celebrating the publication of his first novel.

Courtesy RJ Young

the Collegian: 52 February 2015

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s your ad in the Collegian!

Once you advertise with the Collegian, people won’t be able to look away.

Contact our business manager Jesse Keipp at [email protected]

It is Friday night, and you are sitting in your on-campus apartment. Your roommates are gone, like they always are, and you feel that you should do something as well. What do you do?If you want to stay in, go to paragraph 2.If you want to go out, skip to paragraph 3.

2. You stay in and quietly get drunk by yourself. You rewatch “Friends” on Netflix. You have picked the least exciting option.Why would you do that?

3. You put on your coat and shoes and leave the apartment. What do you do now?If you want to go to Frat Row, go to paragraph 4.If you want to swimming, go to paragraph 5.If you want to go for a walk off campus, go to paragraph 6.If you want to stay where you are and just stand around, go to paragraph 7.

4. You walk to Fraternity Row and find a house party. You aren’t sure which Frat it is, but you suspect there isn’t much of a difference. Entering the house, you see a lot of the same people you pass on the way to ACAC every day. They look bored. There is nothing to drink but low-point beer. This was a mistake.Game over.

5.You decide to go swimming. Making your way to the pool by your apartment, you strip off your clothes and jump into the water. It is only now that you remember that it is February and the pool is empty. After landing on the hard tile at the bottom, you drag your bruised and bloody self out onto the deck and walk back to your apartment, only to find that you have left your keys inside and have locked yourself out.Goddammit.

6. You decide to take a walk off campus. Heading north, you make your way through neighborhoods, past the highway and into one of the worst neighborhoods in Tulsa. Bad stuff happens to you.Why is TU in such a bad part of town?

7. While you are standing on your porch like a moron a magical genie appears and offers to grant you a wish. What do you wish for?If you want your student debt erased, go to paragraph 8.If you want infinite free food from ACAC, go to paragraph 9.If you want a puppy, go to paragraph 10.

8. You ask that the genie erases your student debt, adding that it feels wrong to go into lifelong debt for the sake of getting a basic education. The genie lectures you about the free market, and says that if you don’t like the system then maybe you should try being born with more money. He fades from view.What a dick.

9.You ask for infinite free food from ACAC. The genie somberly nods, and a be-nevolent, mustachioed giant appears before you. It is President Steadman Upham. He smiles and hands you a brand new student ID. You are now a Presidential Scholar. Thanks Stead!

10. You ask the genie for a puppy. The genie reaches into his satchel and produces the cutest puppy you have ever seen. You love the puppy for a week, at which point your ACA finds out about it and makes you give it away.Happiness is an illusion.

the Collegian : 6 2 February 2015variety

“Title” nothing but catchy, soulless tracksMeghan Trainor’s debut album tries to be empowering but comes across as demeaning and inane. Student Writer Eric DiGiacomo reviews “Title” and finds little to redeem Trainor’s music.

Courtesy Epic RecordsThe title of Trainor’s debut album is a good clue about the quality of the music contained within: uninspired, trite and corny.

Is “All About That Bass” an offensive song? This seems to be the main Meghan Trainor comment/criticism/aspect of inter-est.

This isn’t a new question/concern as any song that reaches No. 1 that isn’t mind numbingly simplistic (see Williams, Phar-rell) is accused of cultural appropriation, shaming or anti-feminism. “Bass,” a song and corresponding music video seemingly handcrafted for the Buzzfeed audience, has been vehemently accused of all three. But few people talk about whether or not it’s a good song.

Its lyrics are semi-inspirational, and the production has a vaguely rockabilly guitar combined with the handclaps that recall the last it girl before her and poppy jazz phras-ing from so many decades ago that most can’t catch where she stole it from.

Every aspect of the song is reductive, but it’s likable enough. She obviously isn’t re-ally attacking the skinny girls (“No, I’m just playin. I know you think you’re fat”), and the song comes across as well-meaning.

How does Trainor’s shtick fare over 12 tracks? Definitely less polarizing, but still very corny. “Dear Future Husband” is an interesting idea made significantly less in-teresting by its rigidly lame perspective on courting. “Close Your Eyes” and “3 AM” are listenable if unmemorable. “Like I’m Gonna Lose You” is a definite album high-point, even if Trainor makes the classic rookie mistake of letting guest John Legend outshine her.

The second half of the album sounds like it was all quickly recorded after spring break in Jamaica and features a silly sounding Ca-ribbean lilt. “Bang Dem Sticks” makes you ask, “Is stick a metaphor for something un-printable?” before figuring out that Meghan Trainor is mainly just enthusiastic about drumsticks.

“Walkashame” is a startling tonal shift. Before this song, Trainor explains she is not going to do the deed with “dem boys,” but in “Walkashame,” she defends herself when she does the deed, singing she had “a lot to drink, was just trying to be safe” and fur-

ther talks about the “rum in my tummy, yum yum.”

“Title,” the song, further indulges the criticisms of her naysayers, as her attempts to be empowering come across as insanely demeaning. (“You gotta treat me like a tro-phy, put me on a shelf” is possibly the worst metaphor of all time.) “Lips Are Movin” returns to the bouncy bubblegum template set by “All About That Bass,” with “Girls

rule, boys drool!!!” replacing “booty!” as the theme.

Trainor follows a swaggy white girl per-sona precedent set by Kesha, Miley Cyrus and Iggy Azalea before her. Despite not be-ing the first to sing/rap with an affected in-tonation, “Title” doubled the sales of both Kesha and Azalea’s most recent albums.

I think the plastic soul “Title” is the kind of music Cyrus would have sung had she

never left the House of Mouse. Its inner confidence motif is wobbly throughout, it’s never as catchy as its lead single and the instrumentation combined with Trainor’s put-on voice gives off a more musical the-atre vibe than actual pop. “Title” is manu-factured for and probably does appeal to a certain audience of (probably) young girls who will really appreciate having a pop star who speaks tumblr to them.

Choose Your Own Adventure!by Fraser Kastner

the Collegian : 72 February 2015 variety

The Void announces … the Rorschach Press

I have a proposal for an alterna-tive student newspaper of the Uni-versity of Tulsa.

But before I get to that, I must tell you a bit about the article you are reading. As I write it, I have a certain interpretation of what I am getting at in this article.

But my impression of what I’m getting at actually doesn’t matter. What matters is your impression, O reader, of what I’m getting at.

And that impression is informed by your unique life experiences and your unique and incommuni-cable feelings about those experi-ences.

In short, I have no control over the circumstances that determine my story’s legacy. I can attempt to guess what those circumstances are and adjust my writing accord-ingly (which is what every writer does). But I have no way of truly knowing how other people will ex-perience my story.

Enter my proposal for an alter-native student newspaper of the University of Tulsa. The newspa-per is called The Rorschach Press. As its name suggests, the newspa-

per consists entirely of ink blots arranged on a page with no par-ticular thought.

The reader can then transfer their various experiences and their various feelings about these experiences onto the inkblots and thus give the inkblots meaning. The main difference between The Rorschach Press and The Colle-gian would be that The Rorschach Press would free its readers of the illusion that what they are reading is anything more than their own interpretations.

Can you imagine what depths of symbolism the ink blots could convey without the shackles of de-liberate meaning? The Rorschach

Press would have too much content, not too little. Only the bravest would dare to probe the truths it would have to offer them, truths that they could not forget lightly.

The University of Tulsa deserves more voices in its student media. Those voices are the screaming subconsciouses of its thousands of students.

Managing Editor Conor Fellin has an idea for an exciting new newspaper. We think. You’ll have to decide for yourself.

Charlie McQuigg / Collegian

Fall Out Boy records another round of misfit anthems

Much anticipated by misun-derstood pre-teens and nostalgic 20-somethings alike, Fall Out Boy’s sixth studio album, “Ameri-can Beauty/American Psycho,” debuted on January 20.

“AB/AP” solidifies Fall Out Boy’s transition from the organic pop-punk of their origins to a more modern vision of rock. As a whole, the tracks on “AB/AP” are fairly cohesive.

Gems of the album include the bittersweet summer rock ballad “The Kids Aren’t Alright,” and the invigorating and powerful “Cen-turies,” as well as the brassy, bold and dangerous “Uma Thurman.” While they range slightly in style, the songs seem to have a collective vision: an anthemic call to the al-bum’s listeners.

My No. 1 criticism of the album is the heavy use of effects. Lay-ered in bulk onto several of the tracks, they give the album an odd, offbeat vibe, almost as though it were poorly mixed.

“Favorite Record” and “Im-mortals” incorporate a weird ro-bot voice auto-tune effect which is reminiscent of bad early 2000’s pop, and the heavily edited “No-vocaine” sounds as though Satan himself is providing background vocals by gargling lava (which, admittedly, is kind of cool).

I appreciate the artistic adven-turousness of special effects, but in this case they smother rather than accentuate the band’s strengths. The synth often drowns out the talents of drummer Andy Hurley

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and guitarist Joe Trohman, as well as disguising the tone and smooth-ness of vocalist Patrick Stump’s voice.

That being said, I’m particularly impressed with the obvious growth in Stump’s vocal abilities and con-fidence since Fall Out Boy’s return to the music scene. His vocals are stronger than ever, and when paired with a gorgeous backdrop of catchy punk melodies, they’re the most musically outstanding as-pect of the album.

Notably missing, however, are some of the intricate harmonies of previous albums. As in the past, bassist Pete Wentz is responsible for the bulk of the songwriting on “AB/AP.” Most of the lyrics on the album are typical of Wentz’s past work, and while not exactly fresh or original, they provide the dark, offbeat metaphors and misfit-kid anthems we’ve come to love and expect from Fall Out Boy.

I joke about Fall Out Boy’s tra-ditional fanbase of eclectic teens,

but in all seriousness, the band cre-ates a niche for kids by providing a creative and emotional outlet as well as a cause to identify with. Early in their career, Fall Out Boy filled this role by emitting an ang-sty, scream-your-heart-out, pop-punk vibe. Now they’ve switched to a focus on anthems which ap-peal to the misfit crowd in par-ticular but ultimately are enjoyed by fans of varying ages and back-grounds.

Additionally, in interviews the

band has emphasized a changing view of rock and roll. They refer to the album’s futuristic vibe, ele-ments of hip hop and soul and the incorporation of samples as their attempt to contribute to an evolv-ing perception of rock as a genre.

While I can definitely appreci-ate a hearty dose of disillusioned pseudo-punk, I must say that I like the direction Fall Out Boy’s music has taken. It shows growth and maturity, both musically and emo-tionally.

Despite some off-putting as-pects, “American Beauty/Ameri-can Psycho” is more cohesive than its predecessor (“Save Rock and Roll,” a good album in its own right) and is greatly encouraging in that it shows Fall Out Boy’s evolution since their triumphant return to the pop/rock scene.

Dedicated fans of the band will adore it no matter what, and newer, more critical listeners will likely find it enjoyable enough.

“American Beauty/Ameri-can Psycho” is slightly overbearing but manages to be enjoyable despite its flaws. Student Writer Han-nah Kloppenburg reviews.

Courtesy Island RecordsFall Out Boy’s new album art features their target demographic: the young American who was raised to be perfect but wants so desperately to be a rebel.

Courtesy opensky.caSolve the Soduko. Then stop and wonder: why is it you are still single when you can solve Sodukos so well? Clearly, whoever it is that spurned you doesn’t apreciate nice Sudoku solvers.

the Collegian: 8 2 February 2015commentary

Citizens of Oklahoma, you have been misled. The watermelon is not a fruit—it is a vegetable!

At least that’s what the Oklahoma State Senate decided when it adopted the watermelon (alleged cousin to the cucumber) as the official Oklahoma State Vegetable.

This quirky state symbol must have come into being in the early 1900s, when Oklahoma was still prairie and the categorization of fruits and veggies wasn’t yet

widely agreed upon, right?Wrong! This egregious mistake

happened in 2007, merely eight years ago.

How could the Oklahoman State Senate have let this happened? Far from fight this blatant lie, the Oklahoma State Senate voted with an overwhelming majority of 78 to 19, in favor of making the watermelon the official state vegetable.

Am I missing something? An overly enthusiastic senator

Don Barrington declared that “the controversy on whether watermelon is a fruit or vegetable has been officially decided by the Oklahoma legislature.”

But as no one listens to

“watermelon-loving-rednecks,” the world remains unconvinced that watermelon is a vegetable.

Senator Nancy Riley pointed

out that her dictionary defines watermelon as a fruit. Well that settles that debate!

Barrington originally sponsored the bill because the boost in the watermelon’s status was expected to aid his Rush Springs watermelon-growing constituency. Since the watermelon was ordained Oklahoma’s State Vegetable, tourism to Rush Springs’ annual Watermelon Festival has indeed increased.

But why not just make watermelon the state fruit? That would make more sense.

Unfortunately for watermelon, it was beat out by strawberry in the 2005 race for Oklahoma’s State Fruit.

Watermelon then decided to run for the vacant office of state vegetable. Its claim to that spot rests on the argument that

watermelon is related to the gourd and cucumber families (both of whom refused to comment), which are both classified as vegetables.

Watermelon won its spot as state vegetable in part because watermelon frequently makes the list of top 20 most valuable Oklahoma commodities.

Watermelon and Senator

Barrington’s victory may be short lived, however, as Senator Nathan Dahm has filed a SB 329 with the goal of repealing the watermelon as the state vegetable.

His grounds? That the watermelon is a fruit.

It remains to be seen if such a logical argument will survive the Oklahoma State Senate.

Flatland has recently decided to elect a representative congress. Each district will get to send one local representative to this con-gress, in order to better act on the needs of the citizens. This is all well and good, but the citizens are having some trouble deciding where the lines between districts should be drawn.

Eventually they decide to let current president, Triangle, decide how to divide up the districts. He does so, and divides up the land as follows (see Figure 1). It all looks nice and fair, with evenly sized districts not dominated by any one political party, but the citizens begin to get suspicious when the election results come in, and the congress is made up of mostly tri-angle representatives.

Now, Triangle has the major-ity of supporters in these districts,

but a proportional representation would also have at least one square representative. Here, Triangle used a technique called “cracking.” He spread out Square’s supporters, making sure no one district had enough votes to win, and thus en-suring all of Square’s votes were wasted.

Square makes a big deal out of the fact that he didn’t get any rep-resentation in those districts, de-spite having a significant number of supporters. The citizens agree and let Square lay out the district lines for the next election, which he does like so (see Figure 2).

Now, this time the election re-sults come in, and square gets two seats! The citizens aren’t happy at all with this result either, since Square is a minority party. Square’s supporters shouldn’t be taking the majority of seats in those districts!

Square could win a major-ity, though, by using a technique called “packing.” Square packed most of Triangle’s supporters into a single district, spreading the re-maining voters out so thin that they couldn’t win in any other dis-tricts.

The same group of voters can thus give either political party a majority of representation, de-pending on where the district lines are drawn. This technique of manipulating voting lines to determine outcomes of elections is known as gerrymandering. It’s

particularly prevalent in first-past-the-post voting systems (which the US employs), as there is only one representative from each district.

The citizens of Flatland quickly realize that whomever they put in charge, there will be bias in divid-ing up the districts, but they’re sure that a solution must exist, so all the citizens go home and sleep on the problem. The next day, Hexagon excitedly announces that she has a solution!

Hexagon’s solution is called the shortest line algorithm. It works by dividing up any plot of land mathematically, in order to ensure that no single shape has power of the process, and it’s easy to see why divisions are where they are. The algorithm works by drawing the shortest possible line across the district that divides it in half.

Now the two halves are divided in half. This process continues un-til the entire land has been divided into the proper number of districts.

Flatland attempts to divide the country this way for the next elec-tion, and it proves to be incredibly successful, with a representative congress! However, in the next election, Square ends up with a huge majority in congress even though the distribution of voters has not changed much.

All of Flatland is puzzled. It seems like gerrymandering, but how could there be bias when the districts were mathematically se-lected? Citizens investigate, and find the voting distribution looked like this (see Figure 3).

All of Flatland then discovers that the shortest line algorithm is not always fair. Sometimes, it can randomly produce a biased result. Now, randomly being biased is certainly better than having an in-nate bias, but it’s not good enough for the citizens of Flatland. They want a system that can always re-sult in a representative congress.

To achieve this goal, they go about a very unorthodox strategy:

Features Editor Morgan Krueger explains the wacky series of events that led to Oklahoma’s choice of state vegetable.

OK state vegetable a seedy choice

editor-in-chief—Kyle Walker

managing editor—Conor Fellin

news editor—Nikki Hager

sports editor—Matt Rechtien

variety editor—Abigail LaBounty

commentary & barricade editor—Giselle Willis

satire editor—Fraser Kastner

apprentice editor—Sara Douglas

photo & graphics editor—Elias Brinkman

feature & layout editor—Morgan Krueger

copy editor—Amanda Hagedorn

business & advertising manager—Jesse Keipp

distribution manager—Walker Womack, Katie Hill

web manager—Sam Chott

The Collegian is the independent student newspaper of the University of Tulsa. It is distributed Mondays during the fall and spring semesters except during holidays and final exam weeks. The University of Tulsa does not discriminate on the basis of personal status or group characteristics including but not limited to the classes protected under federal and state law in its programs, services, aids, or benefits.

Inquiries regarding implementation of this policy may be addressed to the Office of Human Resources, 800 South Tucker Drive, Tulsa, Oklahoma 74104-9700, 918-631-2616. Requests for accommodation of disabilities may be addressed to the University’s 504 Coordinator, Dr. Tawny Taylor, 918-631-3814. To ensure availability of an interpreter, five to seven days notice is needed; 48 hours is recommended for all other accommodations. Advertising Policy: Advertising appearing in this publication does not imply approval or endorsement by the University of Tulsa or The Collegian for the products or services advertised. For advertising information, email The Collegian at [email protected] or [email protected]. The deadline for advertising is 12 p.m. on the Friday prior to the publication. Editing Policy: The Collegian reserves the right to edit all copy submitted by all writers. This editing may take place in many forms, including grammar corrections, changes in paragraph structure or even the addition or removal of sections of content. Editorial Policy: Columnists are solely responsible for the content of their columns. Opinions expressed in columns may not represent the opinions of the entire Collegian staff, the administrative policies of the University of Tulsa, the views of the student body or our advertisers. Letter Policy: Letters to the editor must be less than 500 words. While we do not require it, letters sent via e-mail to the Collegian are encouraged. Under no circumstances will anonymous letters be published. The name of the person submitting the letter must be published with the letter. We reserve the right to edit or reject all letters. The deadline for letters is 5 p.m. on the Saturday prior to publication.

Sometimes fringe groups influence politics with pretty words and fat stacks of fruit.

Madeline Woods / Collegian

Last week’s article “City Coun-cil report measures Tulsa’s quality of life”, reported that statistically Tulsa is the most generous mid-sized city in the country when it comes to giving to charity. This is obviously a commendable feat, but it is worth noting that while Tulsa’s citizens were quite gener-ous, the city ranked rather poorly in measures of poverty.

An oft-repeated argument in conservative and libertarian cir-cles is that lowering taxes would allow individuals to increase char-itable giving, which would in turn fix socio-economic problems like poverty better than heavy handed government programs.

While it is only one data point, the Tulsa experience seems to sug-gest that generous citizens and well-funded charities can coexist with high levels of poverty. The simple fact that “America’s most generous city” has the fifth high-est poverty rate of comparable cities should be enough to bring into question the effectiveness of charitable solutions to poverty in comparison to state-centered ap-proaches.

J.Christopher ProctorEditor-in-Chief Emeritus

Flatland’s citizens continue to struggle with the complications of voting. This week, Student Writer Sam Beckmann discusses gerrymandering in all its forms.

Gerrymandering and its discontents

Representatives:

Representatives:

Representatives: Representatives:

Figure 1: Triangle uses “cracking.”

Figure 2: Square uses “packing.”

Figure 3: Hexagon employs an algorithm. Figure 4: Sphere’s unbiased district lines.

“But as no one listens to ‘watermelon-loving-rednecks,’ the world remains unconvinced that

watermelon is a vegetable”

In order to eliminate the effects of gerrymandering entirely, the gov-ernment decides to hire someone to gerrymander for them! Sphere, who lives in a faraway kingdom, has no interest in the politics of Flatland, so he’s the perfect candi-date for Flatland to hire.

Sphere’s job is to draw the dis-trict lines in a way that allows Flat-land to come up with a represen-tative congress every election. So he gets to work, packing voters of one type together, cracking some of another type out, and eventually presents his plan to Flatland (see Figure 4).

It works perfectly, and Flatland

achieves a representative congress with no random bias! However, the citizens of Flatland still are not happy. The idea of purposely changing districts to manipulate the outcomes of elections, even if it’s being done with fairness in mind, doesn’t seem very fair.

In order to come up with a better solution, however, all of Flatland will have to completely rethink how they go about voting.

Stay tuned next week, as Flat-land explores multiple voting, ap-proval voting and single transfer-able vote systems! All graphics by Sam Beckmann.

2 February 2015 the Collegian: 9Commentary

State Representative Sally Kern, a Republican from the Oklahoma City area, filed three different bills aimed against LGBT individuals

Twenty-seven percent of Okla-homa’s registered young voters showed up in 2012 presidential elections, the lowest youth turn-out in the country, according to The Center for Information & Re-search on Civic Learning and En-gagement (CIRCLE). In addition, only 43 percent of young people between ages 18–29 are even reg-istered to vote.

That means that less than 12 percent of the voting-age popula-tion under 30 voted in 2012.

This low turnout is in contrast to most other states, which in the same year saw higher than average youth voting.

And it’s not just Oklahoma’s youth who are relatively bad at showing up to the polls—Okla-homa has seen some of the worst turnouts across all age groups in recent years. In 2012, the overall turnout was just over 52 percent, the third worst in the nation. In 2014, we had the lowest turnout on the state’s record.

The Oklahoma legislature is considering several pieces of leg-islation that could substantially increase voter registration and turnout, especially among young voters.

Amongst the proposals authored by Republican Senator David Holt are bills that would allow for on-line voter registration, extend voter registration, move to a “top-two” primary system and lower the number of signatures required to get candidates on ballots.

Expanded voter registration pri-marily affects two groups of peo-ple: those who have not had very

many opportunities to register in the past and those who are likely to move and change addresses. Young people fit into both of these groups.

Media attention increases sub-stantially as election day nears.

People often don’t think to register until the voter registration dead-line has passed, meaning those who haven’t voted before, have moved or have changed their name may miss their opportunity.

Online registration also par-ticularly appeals to millennials who, let’s be honest, may not even know where their post offices are or where they can buy stamps.

Both the top-two primary sys-tem and reduced signature require-ments are particularly beneficial to independent voters. Under current Oklahoma law, the Democratic

and Republican parties hold sepa-rate primaries that only members of the respective parties are al-lowed to vote in, entirely leaving out half of the millennial elector-ate that identifies as independent, according to Pew Research Center.

The top-two system holds a general primary in which the two candidates that receive the highest number of votes win—regardless of party affiliation. This means that more young people would be able to vote in primaries.

It is also incredibly difficult to get independent candidates on Oklahoma ballots under current law. A party is defined as a group that either polled 10 percent dur-ing the last election or submitted a petition signed by at least 5 per-cent of the number of votes cast for that office in the last election (for

presidential elections, Oklahoma only requires 3 percent). These are the strictest ballot access laws in the country.

Lowering the signature require-ments would make it significant-ly easier to get candidates from smaller parties (or candidates from outside of the major two parties). Again, this is particularly relevant to millennials who identify as in-dependents.

Current state policies clearly re-flect Oklahoma politicians’ ambiv-alence to their youngest constitu-ents, resulting from both low voter turnout and a lack of long-term vi-sion in the political process. Okla-homa ranks second to last in edu-cation spending per pupil and has the fourth highest incarceration rate in the nation. Both of these issues are particularly harmful to young people.

These proposed changes in vot-ing policies would boost millen-nials’ participation in the political process and in turn lead to better, forward-thinking policies across the board.

Kern’s three bills in the OK House of Representative are not useful, even from a socially conservative perspective. One of them has already been withdrawn. Brennen VanderVeen writes.

Rep. Kern’s anti-LGBTQ bills misguided and inappropriate

Oklahoma legislators are considering bills that would make voting easier for everyone, especially millennials. News Editor Nikki Hager opines.

Proposed bills would improve voter turnout

“That means that less than 12 percent of the voting-age population under 30

voted in 2012”

on January 22. One of them would have al-

lowed businesses to discriminate against LGBT individuals and groups. Kern has already with-drawn this particular bill.

A second bill, titled “The Free-dom to Obtain Conversion Ther-apy Act,” states that Oklahomans have a right to undergo “conver-sion therapy,” a largely discredited method of changing one’s sexual orientation. It also allows parents to seek it for their children.

The final bill, “The Preservation and Sovereignty of Marriage Act,” would effectively nullify recent court decisions that make Okla-homa recognize same-sex mar-riage. Advocates of LGBT rights oppose these measures for obvious reasons, but social conservatives should oppose them as well.

The Freedom to Obtain Conver-sion Therapy Act is completely unnecessary. Conversion therapy, despite being widely discredited, is still legal in Oklahoma. True, a few states have banned it, but most have not. All this law does is codi-fy what is already the case.

However, in codifying the le-gality of conversion therapy, the state invites more controversy. It could only serve to inflame its op-ponents. These opponents would likely not stop at repeal of the law.

Some consider conversion ther-apy to be a form of child abuse. Rather than maintaining conver-sion therapy’s legality, it’s more likely that the explicit recogni-tion would create a backlash that would result in court action and the possible banning of the prac-tice altogether.

It cannot be understated how legally absurd the Preservation and Sovereignty of Marriage Act is. The bill bans tax dollars from being used to issue same-sex mar-riage licenses. It also provides that any government official who rec-ognizes the legality of same-sex marriage would lose his salary and pension. Judges who recognize same-sex marriage would be re-moved from office.

This completely ignores the longstanding doctrine of judicial supremacy. Rightly or wrongly, federal courts have already ruled that bans on same-sex marriage are unconstitutional.

Any attempt to ignore that rul-ing and proceed with banning it again stands absolutely zero chance of being upheld in federal court.

I agree that the original intent of the 14th Amendment, passed in 1868, was not to mandate that states recognize gay marriage. However, attempts to ignore fed-eral court rulings are at least as offensive to the constitutional or-der as are judicial decrees of new constitutional doctrine that lack historical context.

Going forward, there are only two ways that Oklahoma won’t have to recognize same-sex mar-riage. The first is a constitutional amendment, which is extremely unlikely. The more likely (though not necessarily likely) scenario is that the Supreme Court overturns those decisions later this year.

If conservatives really care about the Constitution, they should abandon these ridiculous bills im-mediately.

Super Bowl XLIX is one of the closest Super Bowl matchups in a long time. Both teams seem to have a very good chance of bringing home the Lombardi trophy. But you wouldn’t know it.

This year’s Super Bowl has become a media circus. It all began with the now-in-famous “Deflategate,” a controversy named after their spying scandal seven and a half years prior, where the New England Patriots are now accused of deflating footballs under the threshold set by the NFL rulebook (10 pounds per square inch as opposed to 12.5).

Recently, a locker room aide has been singled out and questioned, while multiple individuals and even ESPN’s Sports Sci-ence (a segment that was mysteriously taken off the air as soon as it was on) suggested that the inclement weather likely affected the footballs, and that the recorded pressure

difference didn’t offer a competitive advan-tage.

On the other side, you have the media frenzy over a man with few words. Very few words. Marshawn Lynch has gotten heat from the NFL for his refusal to talk with the media, showing his disdain by only answer-ing questions with short phrases such as “I’m thankful” and “I’m only here so I won’t get fined.” His single phrases and shoutouts are squeezed into the short time he’s avail-able, before his iPhone alarm gives him the go-ahead to quickly leave the podium.

Underneath all of the media distractions is an extremely intriguing game. New Eng-land’s top-ten pass offense takes on the top pass defense in the league. Both teams also boast a top-ten rushing defense, possibly forcing Russell Wilson to make most of the plays with his arm and feet and Brady to face the Legion of Boom. The outstand-ing defensive back Legion of Seattle will be closely watched, as Richard Sherman and Earl Thomas both suffered injuries in the NFC Championship Game.

Then there comes the storylines with the statistics. Wilson and the Seahawks climb ever closer to, dare I say it, a dynasty in the Emerald City with a second consecu-

tive NFL Championship. Should they fall, you have the greatest quarterback and coach combination of all time earning their fourth championship in their sixth try, avenging their last two failed attempts against the New York Giants.

All the media frenzy aside, the game turned out to be intense and closely com-petitive. Scores by Brandon LaFell and Rob Gronkowski were answered by Marshawn Lynch and Chris Matthews, and the first half ended as no team had a clear edge.

The Seahawks began to slowly pull away in the second half, extending the lead to 24–14 behind a Steven Hauschka field goal and a touchdown pass to Doug Baldwin. How-ever, Tom Brady led the Patriots to a 4-point lead, with passes to Danny Amendola and Julian Edelman. With under two minutes to play, an outstanding catch by Jermaine Ke-arse put Seattle in the red zone. With the ball on the one, Russell Wilson threw an inter-ception to Malcolm Butler to seal the game.

So after Deflategate, the social adven-tures of Marshawn Lynch and all the other media distractions, Super Bowl XLIX still delivered.

*Editor’s note: Managing Editor Conor Fellin prefers “Waterflate.”

the Collegian : 10 2 February 2015Sports

Gate-gate!Leading up to the Super Bowl, the media

couldn’t get enough of a quiet Marshawn Lynch or Deflategate. Everyone, from CNN to your mother, has an opinion. But do you know which opinion is the RIGHT one? The answer is...none of them; they’re all wrong. Both topics are non-issues. Turn off CNN. Tell your mom to shut up. Whoa, did you se-riously consider that?! That woman birthed you, you ungrateful jerk.

The only appropriate stance regarding Deflategate is that people desperately need to stop using “gate” as a suffix to describe every scandal since Watergate. There’s an entire Wikipedia page devoted to the world’s worst naming convention. Some protest the Washington Redskins name by not saying “Redskins.” From now on, as a quasi-journalist, I solemnly swear to never use “gate” to describe a scandal, and you should do the same. Together, we can make the world a better place.

The Greatest of all Time?“Odell Beckham Jr. is the greatest wide

receiver ever! He’d be the next Jerry Rice if Jerry Rice were good enough! OBJ will end world hunger!” Claims of the rookie wide receiver’s greatness seem to grow more fan-ciful by the day.

Last week, the Giants prodigy set the world record for most one-handed catches in a minute, with 33 grabs.

Amazing, right? Wrong! The record was broken the next day by an unknown (yet commendable) wide receiver from the University of Iowa, named Tevaun Smith. Smith shattered Beckham’s record with 41 catches, a 26% increase. From that, we can extrapolate that Smith is 26% better than Beckham.

Jesse Keipp Resident PsychicWritten before the Super Bowl, the fol-

lowing is a clairvoyant recap of the Big Game:

Wow, what a game! It’s not called the “Super” Bowl for nothing. Can you believe the way that team won? This dynasty is alive and well! They finally proved all the doubters wrong.

Critics claimed this team was a shell of its former self, as recently as the middle of the regular season. Nonetheless, the win-ning team pulled itself up by its proverbial bootstraps.

Fans of the losing team are scrambling to point fingers. Ultimately, I blame the de-fense of the losing team. But don’t forget the costly mistakes of the losing team’s offense.

That said, I don’t want to take away any-thing from the winning team’s tremendous effort. The MVP truly rallied his teammates to a new level.

They overcame seemingly insurmount-able adversity, not only during the game, but throughout the whole season. At times, it certainly appeared to be the world vs. them. Despite all the haters, the winning team has cemented itself among the elite teams in the NFL’s illustrious history.

And what would a Super Bowl recap be without mentioning the halftime show? Katy Perry sang! Oh, did she sing. And she danced! Boy, did she dance. Then Lenny Kravitz showed up! And he performed mu-sic. Some fans cheered!

Is it just me or do the commercials get funnier every year? I broke a couple ribs from laughing during that one commercial! You know which one I’m talking about. And, of course, that commercial with the adorable animal made me cry. I’m such a sucker for that stuff.

Jesse Keipp is…

Tulsa’s club lacrosse team just started their season with wins in Texas and look to continue their hot start at home. Student Writer Ma-son Morgan reports.

There have been a lot of great duos in history: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, the Crimson Chin and Cleft the Boy Chin Won-der, Rizzoli and Isles (lol jk), Dale Denton and Saul Silver, and of course Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman. TU has its own duo that matches up with these historically great duos. Our duo is Shaq Harrison and James “Juice” Woodard.

The two of them score about half of TU’s points and have carried the team for most of the year. Before Saturday’s game in which Rashad Smith went off for 21 points, either Harrison or Woodard had the most points in each game for twenty straight games. Woodard and Harrison might be the most underrated back court in America.

What they are doing this year is amazing. With the Golden Hurricane’s recent success they are starting to get a little more recogni-tion, but not as much as they deserve, but

that is not what we are here to discuss. We are here to discuss how they match up to these historically great duos.

First up is Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. These guys are best pals who made “Good Will Hunting” together and have gone on to achieve their own individual success. What bad things can you say about these two? I mean besides “Gigli.” We will never forget “Gigli,” Ben.

Matt Damon is one of my favorite actors. I love him so much that I named my turtle after him. RIP. Ben Affleck is also an amaz-ing director who has made such classics as “Gone Baby Gone” and “Argo.” You’re probably asking yourself how Woodard and Harrison could possibly beat a powerhouse duo like this, and it is simple. Neither Wood-ard nor Harrison made “Gigli.” That movie is so bad. Just awful really. That’s why Shaq and Juice get the nod over Matt and Ben.

Next up is the Crimson Chin and Cleft the Boy Chin Wonder. This is a hard one be-cause without these two brave heroes Chin-cinatti would be under control of The Iron Lung or the Bronze Kneecap, and they both just have glorious chins, but the Crimson Chin’s arrogance is hard to overlook. That is why we give the nod once again to Shaq

and Juice.Dale Denton and Saul Silver are the main

characters of the classic film “Pineapple Ex-press.” They are a match made in heaven. One of them sells marijuana, and the other one loves to smoke it. Through trial and tribulation and several near death experi-ences, they come together to become the best of friends.

Saul even saves Dale’s life, and they take down a big time drug dealer while also be-ing hilarious, but they are not better than Shaq and Woodard because there was a third person who helped them, Red which makes them a trio. If it were not for Red, maybe they could beat Shaq and Juice.

The last duo is by far the best of the four. Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman have done so much for the world it is hard to put in words how great they are together. They have a chance to bring peace to the world. Plus, Rodman is arguably the greatest re-bounder in NBA history, and Kim Jong Un almost stopped an unfunny movie about him to be released in theaters.

Shaq and Woodard are having great sea-sons, but they just don’t hold up to Un and Rodman. LIVE 10,000 YEARS GREAT LEADER!!!

TU’s hottest new club is lacrosse.In its second year of existence, the Di-

vision II club lacrosse team, a member of MCLA, is gaining interest as it opens their new season. The team went 5–3 last year, and already with a 2–0 start this year with both as divisional wins, are looking for an even greater improvement in the form of a conference championship.

The team consists of members mostly in-volved in Greek life, but is not exclusive to any one fraternity. Jordan Stepka, Benson Oglesby, Teddy Martin, Max Boudreaux and Jordan Hartnedy were the key members in starting the club.

Team president and founder, Teddy Mar-tin, was the main organizer in putting the team together. “I was just lucky to have a group of guys who were as determined as me to start a club team for the university,” he said.

“We have 12 guys involved in Greek life who dedicate their time to do what it takes to be successful and a lot of them are really strong leaders,” he said about starting the club.

Led by top-scorers Martin, Grant Wise-man and Tommy McKone, the team swept its weekend road trip in Texas against divi-sion teams Abilene Christian and Tarleton State to start off the season 2–0.

Their next games are a doubleheader on Saturday, Feb. 7 at 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. against conference rival Dallas Baptist and Washington University in St. Louis.

Tommy McKone, third on the team in points so far had this to say about the match-ups: “We’re just excited to start playing at home so our friends can see that we’re the real deal.”

Tulsa lacrosse: hottest new club

The biggest sporting event of the year has once again come and gone. This year though, it was hard to figure out what had more atten-tion: the game or the “controver-sies” surrounding it. Sports Writer Wade Crawford reports.

The Golden Hurricane has been on a hot streak led by top scor-ers Shaquille Harrison and James Woodard. Student Writer Pat Fox compares these two to other famous duos.

At the brink of defeat, the Patriots beat Seattle with their own Legion

Harrison and Woodard: top duo?

Photo courtesy of dmcantor

This place will never be the same after that game. When the winning team changed how the game will forever be played by taking advantage of the sta-dium’s architecture, they set in motion a whole new style of playing the game.

Courtesy snugcottagehaven

I’m not sure that people understand what a gate really is. This is a picture of a gate, a device that, much like a door, allows people to close off an area and then walk in later. Sometimes a gate is just a gate.

Wade Crawford: Clash of Clans—I don’t normally like mobile game com-mercials, but Liam Neeson made this awe-some.

Joseph Edmunds: Mexican Avocado—I think the idea of an ancient draft is really humorous. Congrats to Joe for being the only Collegian writer to correctly predict the Patriots over the Seahawks.

Jesse Keipp: Jubilia—Really inspiring, if you or a loved one suffers from toe fun-gus, you now know where to turn.

Matt Rechtien: Nascar—I have to say that I’m not a big fan of Nascar but Nick Offerman knows how to sell me on any-thing.

Eric DiGiacomo: Snickers—As a TV lover I thought it was a funny combo of classic show/great character actors and a fresh take on the well worn Snickers con-cept.

Honorable Mention: Skechers—Pete Rose joking about how he is not allowed in Cooperstown was pretty clever.

The win streak continues! Tulsa’s men’s basketball team remains perfect in confer-ence play with two wins this week, against Tulane and University of South Florida.

On Tuesday night, the Golden Hurricane traveled to New Orleans to face Tulane. The teams traded lead for much of the first half, with the Green Wave holding a one point lead with four minutes remaining in the half, 20–19.

From there, Tulsa held Tulane scoreless for the remainder of the half, and used that to propel an 8-point run that gave them a 27–20 lead heading into halftime.

In the second half, Tulane quickly cut the lead back to three at 31–28 after five min-utes of play, but then the defense stepped up again, and Tulsa responded with a 14–4 run that gave them a 45–32 lead. TU then increased the lead to 16, at 55–39 with four minutes left, and appeared to have the game easily in hand.

However, Tulane proceeded to score 11 straight points, to bring the deficit down to 5 points. That was as close as they would come, however, as Tulsa’s defense stood strong and held on to win the game 62–55. The win gave the Golden Hurricane their tenth consecutive victory this season.

Tulsa returned home to play against USF on Saturday morning. The Golden Hurri-

cane started slowly, and USF built an 8–0 lead after three minutes of play. TU then got their first point on a Shaquille Harrison free throw, and the half remained tightly con-tested.

The first half of the game featured five ties and four lead changes, as neither team was able to gain a large portion of the mo-mentum.

The USF guards caused issues for Tulsa on defense with their speed and dribbling, but TU’s size led to many easy put-backs off of offensive rebounds. USF guard Corey Allen, Jr. made a three-point jumper at the buzzer to give USF a three-point lead head-ing into the break.

The second half consisted of much of the same play as the first half. Tulsa’s size ad-vantage and the speed of USF’s guards con-tinued to keep the game close, with neither team able to pull away.

The guards for USF seemed unable to miss a shot, while TU’s big men, led by Brandon Swannegan who had a big game with 12 points, 15 rebounds, and 5 blocks,

kept rebounding TU’s missed jump shots for easy layups to keep the game close.

Neither team could pull ahead in the second half either, and after Tulsa guard Rashad Ray tied the game at 62 with 20 seconds remaining, as well as Allen Jr.’s missed three pointer at the buzzer, the game went to overtime.

In overtime, Tulsa won the tip, and pro-ceeded to make all four shots they took from the field, including 3 three-pointers. The Bulls couldn’t keep up with this incredible pace, and TU pulled away for a 78–71 win, remaining undefeated in conference play.

With the wins, Tulsa extends its win streak to 11 games and the conference win streak to 20. They now stand at 16–5 (9–0 American Athletic Conference) on the sea-son.

Their perfect record in conference leaves them standing at first place, one game ahead of second place SMU, with a big matchup when they face off against each other next Saturday at the Reynolds Center. Before that though, they travel to Houston on Thursday.

the Collegian : 11 2 February 2015 Sports

Sunday, Feb. 1Women’s Tennis @ Baylor; Waco, TX; 1 p.m.

Thursday, Feb. 5Men’s Basketball @ Houston; Houston,

TX; 6 p.m.

Friday, Feb. 6

Softball vs. Santa Clara; Phoenix, AZ; 1:30 p.m.

Softball @ Grand Canyon; Phoenix, AZ; 4 p.m.

Men’s Tennis vs. Baylor; Case Tennis Center; 6 p.m.

Saturday, Feb. 7Men’s Basketball vs. SMU; Reynolds

Center; 7 p.m.

Women’s Basketball @ Houston; Houston TX; 2 p.m.Softball vs. Santa Clara; Phoenix, AZ; 11 a.m.Softball @ Grand Canyon; Phoenix, AZ;

6:30 p.m.Women’s Tennis vs. Purdue; Case Tennis Center; 11:30 a.m.

Sunday, Feb. 8Softball vs. Northern Colorado; Phoenix, AZ; 11 a.m. Men’s Tennis vs. TCU; Case Tennis Center; 1 p.m.

Monday, Feb. 9Men’s Golf @ UTSA Oak Hills Invitational; San Antonio, TX; All

Day

Track Competes in Fayetteville The men and women’s track teams trav-eled to Fayetteville, Arkansas to compete in the Razorback Invitational this past week. The men finished ninth overall, in large part due to redshirt sophomore Marc Scott, who finished first in the 3000 meter run, setting a school record, with a time of 7:55.37. The women finished 11th in team rankings off the strength of redshirt sophomore Olivia O’Hare, who finished fourth in the mile run, and Audrey Jean-Baptiste, who had the fifth best time in the 400 meter dash.Tennis BeatThe women’s tennis team won in domi-nating fashion, giving up only one score to the Pittsburgh Panthers in their match on Saturday. This set them up for a big match against the nationally ranked (6th) Baylor Bears on Sunday. In a tough loss, the women lost to the Bears 4–0. The men swept a triple header against Arkansas Pine-Bluff and Wichita State on Friday giving them a 7–2 record on the season. They have a week off before they face off against high-ranked Baylor (#10) and TCU (#18).Quality ControlMontgomery has named Michael Bloesch as the Offensive Quality Control Coach for the Golden Hurricane. For those un-familiar, a quality control coach is a step-ping stone to become a positions coach. The role of a quality control coach is to gather statistics and research about oppo-nents that a team will play. Bloesch’s hire comes after he spent a year as the football analyst at Houston, and three years as of-fensive coordinator for a local Texas high school.Softball PreseasonThe women’s softball team, which is ranked 22nd or 23rd depending on which poll you look at (NCAA or ESPN), is pre-dicted to finish second in their first season in the American conference. UCF was the only team to garner more votes in the preseason rankings. The women kick off their season this Friday in Arizona and will play their first home game of the sea-son on Feb. 27 in the Tulsa Tournament.Congrats to AthletesDuring the halftime of Saturday’s men’s basketball game over 200 student athletes from all different sports were honored for achieving GPAs of 3.0 and over. Congrat-ulations to all those student athletes!

Junior guard Rashad Smith goes up to the basket against USF on Saturday. Smith led the Golden Hurricane with 21 points, 5 rebounds (including 3 offensive) and 2 steals on the day. This was a season high for Smith.

‘Cane Calendar Feb. 1 – 9

The Tulsa Oilers returned to the BOK Center, playing a two-game series against the Brampton Beast. Tulsa is coming off a seven-game road trip, where they began strong but lost the last three games for an overall record of 3–4.

The losing streak came to an end on Thursday night, as rookie forward Jeff Ju-binville recorded a hat trick in the 5–2 vic-tory. Brampton scored within the first seven minutes of the game, but Jubinville tied the contest with a power play goal near the end of the first period.

The second period was scoreless for the first 16 minutes, until Jubinville earned his 16th goal of the year with 3:36 left.

Brampton tied the score within 48 sec-onds, in what would be their final goal of the night. Jubinville, Tommy Mele and T.J. Caig scored the remaining three goals to seal the victory.

Friday night was no different, as Tulsa came up victorious again, a 4–2 victory

Golden Hurricane blows through New Orleans and Florida, still undefeated

The Tulsa Oilers are finally back in Tulsa. Sports Writer Wade Craw-ford reports.

David Kennedy / Collegian

Junior guard Kelsee Grovey goes up for the shot against Central Florida in the Hurricane’s win.

The men’s basketball team won its last two games, running up its win streak to eleven wins and remains undefeated in conference after four weeks of conference play. Sports Writer Joseph Edmunds reports.

With their two home wins this week, the Golden Hurricane women’s basketball team is currently on their longest win streak of the season, at three games.

On Wednesday, Tulsa hosted the SMU Mustangs to play in the Reynolds Center. TU jumped out to a 14–7 lead on the Mus-tangs just five minutes into the game, but SMU fought back, bringing the score to a tie multiple times throughout the half. The game remained close, with TU edging out a 31–29 lead into the half.

In the beginning of the second half, the game remained close. Leading by 7 with six and a half minutes remaining, Tulsa went on a run to increase the lead to 19 with a minute left, sealing the victory. The Hurricane were led by Teanna Reid, who scored a career high 19 points to lead Tulsa. It came down to Tulsa being the better shooters through-out the game, shooting 47.5 percent com-

pared to SMU’s 33.3 percent.The Golden Hurricane then faced UCF

on Saturday. In the first half, UCF quickly pulled ahead for a 10–1 lead after four min-utes of play. Tulsa then found their rhythm and knotted the game at 15 each with ten minutes left in the half.

From there, TU kept the pressure on, and pushed in front for a ten point lead with four minutes remaining in the first half. Howev-er, UCF went on a 10–0 run to close the half, sending the teams into the locker rooms with the score tied.

The second half was tightly contested, and neither team could pull ahead. Until one minute left in the game, no team led by more than five points in the second half. But with a minute remaining, Tulsa pulled ahead for a 7 point lead and hung on to win by nine in a 70–61 win. Ashley Clark led the Hurricane with 23 points in the game, with 10 of those points coming in the first half.

The Golden Hurricane were able to hold the conference leading scorer Zykira Lew-is—who averages 20.2 points per game—to a season low 7 points. This win gave head coach Matilda Mossman her 200th career win and 53rd at Tulsa. Mossman had this to

say after the win: “We can’t go soft now and feel comfortable. We have to maintain what we’ve done.”

Tulsa brings their record over .500 at 11–10 (6–4 American Athletic Conference). They return to action on Saturday, Feb. 7 when they travel to face Houston.

After two more home victories, the women’s basketball team has won its last three games, its largest win streak of this season. Sports Writer Joseph Edmunds reports.

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#44 Brandon Swannegan

David Kennedy / Collegian

in front of a record crowd of 10,794. Kyle O’Kane recorded the opening goal of the game and his 14th of the year, a score that carried throughout the period.

In the second period, an early Brampton power play goal was answered by the Oil-ers, as Adam Pleskach notched his 25th goal of the season. Brampton’s second tying goal

of the game would be, once again, the only pair of goals scored, as Dave Pszenyczny and Jon Booras scored the final two goals of the night.

With the pair of home wins, the Oilers sit comfortably in third place in the Central di-vision of the Western conference.

Their next pair of games will be next

Thursday and Saturday, a pair of home games against the Rapid City Rush.

In individual player news, defenseman Scott Macaulay represented the Oilers in the ECHL All-Star Classic. Additionally, Tom-my Mele has been called up to the Okla-homa City Barons, an affiliate of the NHL’s Edmonton Oilers.

Oilers return, win two

That’s three! Women win out on the home-stand

the Collegian : 12 2 February 2015Sports

Men’s basketball win streak at 11, no loss in AAC

David Kennedy / Collegian

David Kennedy / Collegian

David Kennedy / Collegian

Brandon Swannegan goes up to the basket against three different South Florida defenders including Ruben Guerrero (#33) and Nehemias Morillo (center defender). Swannegan had his first career double-double during this game with a career-high 12 points, 15 rebounds and all five of the Golden Hurricane’s blocks in the Golden Hurricane’s overtime win over the Bulls. This win gave Tulsa an 11-game win streak and 20 straight conference wins.

Left: The student section—with over 800 students, the largest crowd of students this season—gets crazy and waves the Hurricane flag during Tulsa’s victory over the Connecticut Huskies, 66–58. This win put the win streak at 6. Right: Guard James Woodard soars over a Memphis defender for the dunk during the Golden Hurricane’s 73–55 rout of the Tigers. At one point in the game, Tulsa had doubled the Tigers’ score. Win streak: 8.

Left: Woodard, while going for the basket, loses control of the ball as he is fouled by Connecticut’s Amida Brimah (#35) in the Hurricane’s win. Woodard shot fifty percent on the night including three three-pointers, for a game-high 21 points and a team-high 6 rebounds. Right: Woodard shoots a free throw against UConn, netting six points from the line. Woodard earned American Athletic Conference Player of the Week for his effort against UConn.

Jan. 13

Win streak: 6

Jan. 21

Win streak: 8

Win streak: 11

Jan. 31

haven’t lost a conference game in a year

AAC Player of the week

Jan. 13

the Collegian :132 February 2015

n Meeting new friends and attending fun eventsn Rolling out of bed and being minutes from class

n Close to fitness center, library, computer labs and moren Wireless internet EVERYWHEREn Convenient laundry facilities

n Fill in the blank (you know you could)__________

@TUCampusHousing

Housing Office: 918-631-2516canelink.utulsa.edu

“My room is only a short walk from all of my classes, making it very convenient.” - David Horton, Class of 2017

on campus?love about living

What do you

GENERAL INFORMATION SESSIONThere will be information booths in the Union Food Court and Pat Case Dining Center on Mondays

and Wednesdays at noon from February 16 – March 4. Please stop by and ask any questions.

LIVE CHAT AVAILABLE ON CANELINK!Sundays through Fridays, Feb. 1 – March 13. Chat live with a housing professional from 2 p.m. – 10 p.m.

To start a live chat, click on the “Apply for Housing,” or “My Selection Info” link within Canelink.

Housing Selection Information Sessions

2015 Collegian Ads.indd 2 1/29/15 10:52 AM

Citing victories in gay marriage, adoption laws and anti-discrimina-tion legislation, groups around the country announced this week that they would be moving on to phase two of the Gay Agenda.

Phase two focuses on youth and calls for getting homeless LGBT teens off the streets and into shel-ters and homes, banning trauma-tizing conversion therapies, push-ing anti-bullying legislation, and promoting education to combat the high suicide rates among these demographics.

Anti-LGBTQIAA groups rec-ognize these points as corrupting our children, restricting freedom of speech, and burning all the Bibles in the land (probably while they take our guns).

We reached out to pro-LG-BTQIAAQBKE supporter Paul Hasting for comment. He stated, “These are all basic human rights that straight and cisgender people take for granted. The suicide rates for some of these demographics are five times higher than the rest of the population, and that needs to stop.”

Anti-LGBTQIAAQBKEPMRA activist Kally Sern was heard yell-ing, “The children! Won’t anyone think of the children?!” loudly at anyone who would listen, make eye contact or glance at her and then quickly away.

Sern was later heard saying, “At this rate we’ll have old men marrying little kids, people marry-ing goats, jellyfish marrying star-fish…”

Hasting replied, “Holy fuck?! Who’s asking for that? No one is asking for that. If I wanted to mar-ry my goat I’d move to Texas. Je-sus Christ people, all we want are equal rights.”

Sern went on to rant, “They’ll marry our children, stop killing themselves, find good jobs, be ac-cepted by their families. How is anyone supposed to think about global warming or the national debt with these atrocities being committed?” Sern went on mut-tering something about activist judges.

Sern is said to be proposing leg-islation in the state government that would harass LGBTQ chil-dren earlier, require bullying in school. THe bill would also offer education to their parents on how to alienate them earlier and sup-port for parents kicking their chil-dren out of the house.

According to Serns bills, chil-dren already adopted by gay par-

State-Runthe

mediaIn bed with the Gay Agenda.

the State-run Media2 February 2015

AbigAil lAbountyLiberal Stooge

Artist’s depiction of a typical homosexual, as described by Kally Sern. Note the rainbow patch. The number of stripes denotes the homosexual’s rank, this one being a Fifth Level Sparkle Unicorn, one of a variety of “jackbooted gay thugs.”

Gays secure human rights, conservatives scared

Graphic by Charlie McQuigg and Elias Brinkman

With LGBTQ causes advancing, conservative activists have started taking drastic measures.

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Watermelons as the state vegetable? “Experts” deliberate

In 2007, Oklahoma declared watermelon to be the state veg-etable. The decision was contro-versial to be sure, because al-though the watermelon belongs to the same family as vegetables such as gourds and cucumbers, historical and scientific evi-dence points to the conclusion that watermelon is not a veg-etable.

Dr. Lanatus, an expert in the field of state symbols, recently revealed breakthroughs in his research which prove not only that watermelon is not a veg-etable, but also that Oklahoma’s state fruit, the strawberry, is not a fruit. “It’s incredible,” says Lanatus, “But from my research and from the research in other fields, it would appear that none of Oklahoma’s state symbols are accurate.” Lanatus and other scientists in fields pertaining to state foods, animals and plants have only recently discovered that none of the symbols of Oklahoma are categorically ac-curate.

In 1893, mistletoe was named as Oklahoma’s state flow-er. “Through a very minimal

amount of research,” says Pro-fessor Oaktree, an associate of Lanatus, “we discovered that mistletoe is actually a fungus and not a flower at all.”

Both Lanatus and Oaktree were visibly distraught at the re-cent discoveries. “I don’t know how we overlooked this.”

Upon further investigation, evidence suggests that water-melon may not even be food at all. Watermelons consist of about 93 percent water, which is only 7 percent away from being completely made of water, and as our sources in the scientific community confirm, water is not food. “We only found this out recently,” said Lanatus. “It’s re-ally quite distressing since wa-ter was declared the state food.”

CAitlin WoodsFood Activist

With legislation being considered to remove watermelon from the list of state symbols, scientists are reexamining the authenticity of our state objects.

Freshman expert on student life, little else

Having completed his first se-mester as a free-range, Taco Bell-fed college freshman, Billy Nash is now knowledgeable of all the “important” aspects of university life. Having achieved a respectable 2.3 GPA in his first semester while still participating in totally safe and responsible activities 6 nights a week, a Certificate of General Awareness will be bestowed upon him when he graduates sometime in the next three to five years.

The University of Tulsa prides itself on educating fledgling bach-

elors to maintain the minimum level of cleanliness, social ability and nutrition to keep themselves from being shunned by society or dying of malnutrition.

Because of all the professional networking he engaged in over the past six months, Nash is expected to fly out of academia right into a stable cubicle job at an oil and gas corporation.

With his freshly obtained knowledge of things like when ACAC stops serving food and the general locations of nearly all campus facilities, Nash considers himself “basically an expert on life”. This reporter didn’t have the heart to tell him otherwise.

A general forum will be held in Chapman Hall during which Nash will answer any and all questions, or you can simply engage in con-versation with another student and he may butt in and bring you up to speed.

After finishing one semester at TU, freshman Billy Nash has attained mastery over all aspects of college life, such as where to find food and a general idea about where the library is.

RyAn stARkWeAtheR Certified Human

Graphic by Sam Beckman

Courtesy Growing With ScienceWHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE?

ents would be left under an un-derpass or entered into the state’s foster care system to save them from their horrific fate.

Later this week LGBTQ groups will be hosting educational work-shops and meet and greets with prominent LGBTQ community

members. Or, as Kern reported it, “a satanic ritual with animal sacri-fice, drinking and twerking.”