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BustA play by Sonny Sidhu16 February 2009

Stage settingA McMansion-style kitchen, with shiny, oversized appliances,glass-front cabinets lit from within, and an endless, granite-

top center island lined with stools. At the far left end ofthe stage is a faux-antique breakfast nook built around amassive pedestal table, which is set with four places fordinner.

Cast of characters (in order of appearance)Traci - woman of the houseZoe - daughter, age 15Todd - son, age 20Brian - man of the houseLee - Brians colleaguePolice Officer #1 - young malePolice Officer #2 - older male

Firemen - five, all maleParamedics - three, male and female

Traci busies herself, vaguely, at thecenter island, which is covered withvarious utensils and opened bags, jars,and bottles of food. A whole roastedchicken rests upon the countertop. Zoetexts on one of the stools.

ZOEWhat did you need me for, exactly?

TRACI(Knocking over jars, upendingbottles)

Help me with the--your father should be home in--have youseen that piece of--here it is. Are you listening to me? Anyminute now. What time is it?

ZOEIdunno.

TRACIHelp me get all this crap in the oven. Probably hasnt eaten

a good meal all week... Where is your brother? What--(Picking up a bag of salad andthrowing it into the sink)

This is garbage now. How long does it take to heat up the--what did I get, chicken? Will you help me, here?

ZOEJesus, Mom. Why did you even--I cant, like, cook.

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TRACIYour father is gonna be here any minute. Read those to me,off the thing, the instructions. What does it say to do?

ZOEConventional oven or toaster oven or microwave?

TRACIOven, oven.

ZOEOne, preheat oven to four hundred and fifty degrees. Two--

TRACIOK, good. Well skip that. Whats two?

ZOEI was goingto say. Two. Broil in oven-safe dish until... Icant see what it says because you ripped it up. Until done.

TRACIOven-safe, oven-safe...

(Rummaging through cabinets,throwing pots and pans ontothe floor)

Is this oven-safe? No. This?(Wielding Pyrex)

Im going to put all the vegetables and crap I got in thisand just throw the chicken on top of it, let it all cook.

(Pouring containers into thedish while cradling the

chicken under one arm like afootball, then throwing thechicken in with a magnificentsplash)

Go get your brother, tell him dinner is almost ready.

ZOEWhy cant you.

TRACIHe hasnt seen you in a week, youd think you would be theleast bit-- Does it matter where you stick the thermometer?Todd he hasnt seen since we dropped him off... open the oven

for me.

ZOEGod, alright, hold on a minute.

(She pockets the phone andstomps over to Traci and theoven, flinging open the door.)

TODD! Hes just outside, smoking one of his cigarettes,probably. He smokes. I bet you didnt know that.

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TRACIDont tell on your brother. Can youplease go get him andtell him he needs to--

ZOE(Dialing)

Ill call him.

Pause.

TRACIHe said he had big news when I talked to him this morning.Thats why Im cooking this big--

ZOEShut up, its ringing.

Pause.

ZOEHey, retard, Mom says you gotta come for dinner. You bettercome when you get this. I know youre ignoring me. Bye.

(To Traci)He wasnt there.

TRACIWhere could he-- It was supposed to be a surprise, when yourfather got here... Todd coming all the way up... Call himagain.

ZOE

You call him.Pause.

TRACIYou know I hate it when your father goes off to these thingsand leaves me with all the work. And you. Retreat. When doIget a retreat? Should I have set a timer?

ZOEYou had one, for Valentines. Last month, Mom, God. Youwouldnt stop talking about the spa.

TRACIWell it was terrible, the worst one Ive ever been to. I gavehim an earful after that. Sending me to some cheap place. Andhe tried to tell me it was the economy. Oh, Im sorry, Ididnt knowit was the--

Enter Todd.

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ZOEGod, you smell like farts. What is that?

TODDIts Tag. The body spray.

ZOETag?

(Gagging, spitting on thecountertop)

Why cant you use Axe like a normal person.

TRACITodd, your father is almost here. I want you washed up. Hedoesnt know youre going to be here.

TODDMy car is in the driveway.

Sounds of a car approaching, stopping.Doors slamming.

TRACIJesus Christ. Well, too late now. This damn chicken, how canyou even tell if it already looks cooked when you buy it?Its so stupid. What time is it? Its early.

Enter Brian and Lee.

LEEWell eventually were all gonna be taking dumps in a bucket.

But who woulda thought Iceland would be the first to go?BRIAN

Somebodys gotta be the first. Kronas been in the basement along time.

(To Traci:)Hey, hon. Listen, is it alright if Lee here eats with ustonight? I told him he could eat dinner here.

LEELo there Trace.

TRACI

Um, hi. Baby, look whos here!(Indicating Todd.)Arent you excited!

BRIANWell, hey, kiddo! What do you say, Todd-O. Zoe, baby. Traci,can I talk with you for a second over there?

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Traci and Brian walk to the far end ofthe center island.

ZOEWhat are you, one of Dads work friends?

LEECould say that. You must be the girl.

BRIANBabe, Lee got let go. Just like that they dropped him.Layoffs everywhere. He just needs to have a place to sit andplan for a bit. I told him he could come over here tonightand eat.

TODDHows it going. Im Todd.

TRACI

Well, thats terrible. But... when did this even happen,didnt you both just get back from the airport?

LEEPleased to meet you. Werent you going to college?

TODDIm visiting.

BRIANIts a long story. Listen, we got enough food, right baby?

(To Lee.)

Lee, have a seat, man.(He kisses Traci.)I love you, baby. We got a lot to talk about. That all smellsdelicious. What, did you cook? Mmm.

(To Lee.)Hey bud you wanna beer? I got Stellas.

LEEOh yeah.

BRIANTodd?

TODDHuh? Yeah!

ZOEWhat?!

BRIAN(Going to the fridge.)

Three crispy Stellas...

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TRACIAre you giving himalcohol?

BRIANAw, lighten up, babe. Boys in college.

TODDYeah, come on, Mom. Jesus Christ.

BRIANCrispy Stellas, crispy Stellas... All this calls for crispyStellas. Comin up!

Todd, Brian, and Lee converge upon thekitchen table.

TODDThanks, Pop!

Todd starts chugging his beer.

TRACIWhat is going on, here? Let me get the chicken. Zoe, will youput another place down on the table?

ZOEWhy do I have to do it?

BRIANZo, listen to your mother.

(To Lee.)

But going back to our conversation from before, you knowsomebodyup there had to feel it when the bottom startedfalling out. Put all their money in, what is it they got upthere?

TODD(Dribbling foam.)

Where?

LEEIceland.

TODD

(Having finished his beer.)Bands.

ZOE(Rummaging through cabinets,throwing pots and pans ontothe floor)

Where do you keep theplates? Oh.

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TODDWhat happened in Iceland?

LEETotal collapse.

BRIANComplete meltdown.

LEEJust wait and see, too. There is no local anymore. This thingwill not be contained.

TRACIChickens ready! So was the hotel any good, tell us, how wasit? What was the retreat about?

BRIANWere talking, one minute. What I think is, they shouldve

been onto it the second the government started flailing.

LEEWell, look at us, were flailing.

BRIANWell.

TRACI(Arriving with the chicken)

Come on, Zoe! Dinners on the table. Get the Coke. What areyou looking for?

ZOEWhere do you keep the stupid... Honestly. The forks. Andspoons. The knives are in here. Why arent they right inhere?

TRACITo the left. Youre making our guest wait.

LEEThats OK.

(To Zoe.)Youre OK, babe.

ZOE(Slamming his plate andsilverware down on the table.)

I dont know you. Dad, did you know for the field trip to NewYork we all gotta have our five hundred dollars in by Fridayor else you cant go?

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BRIANNow, hold on with all that. I, we got some big news to share.

TRACIYeah, you were saying. Ive been dying all day.

TODDCan I have another beer Dad?

TRACINo. Brian--

BRIANIf you can get it from the fridge you can.

TRACII dont like this!

LEE

I remember my first beer...

TRACIWell, whats the news? Jesus Christ already!

BRIANFirst lets dish out this bird, what say? Wheres thecutters? Zo, baby, can you get me the cutters from overthere? I dont know where your mom keeps them.

ZOENo, Todd is already up. Todd, get the cutters.

TODDI dont know where any of that crap is!

TRACIBy the sink.

TODD(Rummaging through the drawer,tossing utensils onto theground.)

Oh. These ones?

BRIANYeah, bring them here. Lets get this bird cut up. Say,Trace, this chicken local?

Todd returns with the cutters and a newbeer, which he promptly beginschugging.

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Brian tears distractedly into thechicken, picking up sections of it anddropping them onto the various plates.

TRACII dont know. You know I do all the shopping at Whole Foods.All that stuff is organic, you know, whatever it is they say.

They have the stickers.

BRIANNot organic, local.

TRACIWhatever. How should I know?

LEELotta difference between organic and local. You know how muchit takes to ship a chicken? Keep it frozen?

TRACI

No, I dont-- why does it matter?

LEEEverything matters.

TRACIWhats this news? I swear if somebody doesnt tell me--

ZOEThis is cold.

BRIAN

Were moving!Long pause.

TRACIWhat?

ZOESince when?

BRIANWe gotta ditch this relic!

TRACIHave you gone crazy? We just finished--

LEECheers to that!

TODDCheers, man! Where are you guys going?

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Big picture is, this is it. Whole things gonna grind to ahalt. This is just the endgame. This is just moving piecesaround.

Todd returns with three beers.

LEE

(Lifting his bottle.)Check, no checkmate!

TODDGet wasted!

Todd and Lee chug their beers.

TRACIYoure bullshitting, Brian. What happened to your JOB.

BRIANMy job? I mean, look what happened to Lee. That couldve been

me just as easy. Management, were not safe anymore. Werethe first to go. Efficiency.

LEEHa.

BRIANThey dont get it. Theyll never be efficient, thats nottheir game. The game is, they skim off the inefficiencies ineverything, thats what they eat. Its all paper. Littlestrips of make-believe. If everything added up itd be theend of their world! But now the cats out of the bag, so the

sky is falling on them,now

they wake up. Guy like Lee heremeans nothing to them.

ZOEMom, is Dad going nuts or something?

TRACINo, honey. Quitting your job because you might get fired iswhat healthy people do. Brian, youve got about two moreseconds to start telling me whats going on.

BRIANNuts, ha. That girls a sharp one. Ill tell you whats nuts,

is that not six months ago, me and Lee here woulda been theonly ones in the room knew what you were talking about if youbrought up the idea of a credit default swap. Now everybodythrows credit default swap around like they know the score,like thats all that did it. And you know what? Not oneperson actually knows the concept behind it, but whatever.Thats neither here nor there. But honestly, I dont think aone of them knows what the hell theyre talking about, andeven if they do, great.

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Mr. Monday Morning Quarterback, good for you. You found theculprit, you got us. Credit default swaps, yeah, you got thegist of it. Its all thin air, thank you very much. Like wewerent the first to know, back when nobody was asking theright questions? But either way, I concede. What I did or didnot do is so beside the point theres no use in feelingguilty.

TRACISo thats it? You feel guilt for having all this, the cars,the whole thing? You dont like living where its safe?

LEEI wouldnt be so sure...

BRIANAnd everybody thinks theyve got the inside line now, too.Big pronouncements. They dont see the half of it. Like Isaid, default swaps, thats old news. Us guys, we have afront row seat to armageddon. A guy like me, like Lee here,

we can read the writing on the wall. Total collapse is thebest time to be a step ahead of the other guys. Its wherethe real fortunes get made. Thats why I sold the house.

ZOEHuh?

TODDA toast!

(He gets more beer from thefridge.)

TRACISay that again?

BRIANIts done, I got it all under control. Everythings signed.

TRACIWithout talking to me?

LEEDont worry, he got a fair price for this market.

BRIAN

Were supposed to be out the end of next week but a couple ofdays this way or that isnt gonna make a difference. Theresno buyers yet, of course. Whos buying? I did it through thebank, got it all in cash.

LEEUnfortunately.

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BRIANYeah but its a bank. What are you gonna expect. Cash pigs.

TODD(Chugging his beer.)

Piggy bank!

(He smashes the empty bottle onthe table.)

TRACITodd! Brian, do something.

ZOEJerk! Theres glass in my eye!

LEENo there isnt, none of the glass went your way. I waswatching. Me, I mightve had some glass in my eye. Im fine.

ZOEScrew you, dude!

BRIANWhat kind of language is that to use on your fathers guest?Im sorry, Lee, I dont know whats gotten into the girl. Allthis change, it cant be easy.

TRACIWell, where are we supposed to go? Have you thought aboutthat?

BRIANIts all figured out. I have the vessel.

TRACIThe vessel.

BRIANIm moving us onto a boat.

TODDThats kind of awesome.

TRACI

A boat. Whats gotten into you? When did all this happen?

Zoe begins tearing her chicken intotiny pieces with her fingernails andflicking the shreds across the room inall directions.

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BRIANWaitll you see it. 55-foot sailing yacht, beautiful piece ofnautical engineering. The works, too. Full kitchen, sleepingfor six, two bath, lounge area, deck seating, wood panelingeverywhere, I mean God damn, Trace, you really gotta see her.First thing tomorrow. Of course, were gonna have to gut it.

Get all that extra weight out of there so we can store moredown below. All that extra crap sucks energy. Well see whatwe can lose. Heated water, definitely. Well boil what weneed.

TRACIWhat happened at the retreat? Youre going too fast. I wantto know exactlywhat happened.

LEEWasnt no retreat.

BRIAN

Yeah, no. See, they let Lee go the day of! And of course wegot to talking, and well, by the time it was time for me toget on the airport shuttle, me and Lee had it all pretty muchfigured out, that if theres a time to do it nows the time.So I told them, eff you, I know when Im on a sinking ship. Ican feel the earth moving under me. This things slowing downfor good, I said. And of course they tried to tell me, oh,you know, its gonna be a different story this quarter. Itsa whole new ballgame, they tried to tell me, with thisbailout cash were getting. And the TARP funds, they saidthats gonna wipe out most of the cancer in our books. Afresh start, Morgan! Thats what they were saying to me, a

clean slate. Begging me to stay, Traci, as my word is myhonor. Sad, really.

LEEBut he said no, sir.

BRIANNo, sir. And walked right outta there.

TRACIYoure telling me there was no retreat? Where have you been,this past week?

BRIANWhy bother with their nonsense emergency retreat? Why spend aminute longer than I have to? What could they possibly havethat I want?

TRACIOh, I dont know, apaycheck?

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BRIANTrace, Trace, Trace.

LEEYoure missing sight of the big picture, I think, here. Hey!

(Wiping his neck.)

What was that, a piece of chicken? Hey! This girls chuckingchicken at everybody!

TODDGod, Zoe, cant you stop being a little stain for one hour ofyour life? Cant you see the adults are talking?

TRACIThats no way to behave. Apologize.

ZOEYou all can rot. I hate this family. Im not going anywhere.You cant make me leave this house. I have friends in school.

BRIANZoe, your friends are going to have to adjust sooner or latertoo.

LEEAdjust, thats all.

ZOEI HATE YOU!

Exit Zoe.

TRACILook, I dont-- How much money are we talking about, here.

BRIANThats not really the issue. I mean, since you asked, ofcourse, you know, this isnt exactly a sellers market interms of home values, real estate. But the price we got isdecent, just in terms of conserving your assets. Only about ahalf-million or so off what we paid, which is a miracle in away. But at the same time whats happening with houses rightnow is happening double with boats.

LEEEspecially with luxury boats, which is all you find aroundhere in terms of sail-powered craft.

BRIANExactly, sail-powered. Thats the main point. But who wantsto buy a luxury yacht these days, huh? Buyer in this marketstands to come away with a lot of boat for the dollar.

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LEEBoat for dollar, hollow for hollow. Both float till theydont. Hey, boy, get us men another round of that stuff.

Todd gets more beer from the fridge.When he returns, all three men chug

their beers and slam them carelesslydown on the table. The bottles all fallonto their sides and roll off thetable, shattering on the floor oneafter another.

BRIANWhat you have to understand, babe, before you go thinkingabout money is this: What is money? What is it, anymore? Imean really.

LEEBig picture.

BRIANTell her, man. Shes not gonna listen to it from me.

LEESure she will. Obvious is obvious.

BRIANCome on. Listen to Lee, Trace.

TRACIYou listen to me, you motherfucker.

ZOE(Offstage)

YOU SAID MOTHERFUCKER!

TRACIGO TO YOUR ROOM!

ZOE(Offstage)

APOLOGIZE TO OUR GUEST!

TRACI

The girl is a witch. A WITCH! YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Traci begins clearing the table andloading the dishwasher, violently.Todd, laughing hysterically, goes tothe fridge and grabs another beer,which he chugs standing in front of theopen refrigerator.

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He places the empty bottle back inside,retrieves another full bottle, andwobbles back to the table.

LEEArent you forgetting your role, son?

Todd returns to the fridge for two morebeers and brings them to the table. Themen drink.

LEEYou got one kids alright, here. This onell come in usefulwhen it comes down to it, which it will. But what was I aboutto say?

BRIANAbout peak oil. I wanted you to explain the idea of peakingto the woman.

LEEPeaking, right. Well, its simple, actually.

BRIANAre you listening, Trace?

LEEImagine one day OPEC sends a guy out and says, alright,heres the deal, were not out of oil yet, but were gettingthere, and as of right now theres officially no more comingout of the ground. Ever. Use what you got, buy more while youcan. Whats gonna happen? For you and me, oil disappears

overnight. Too expensive. If you can even find some. Buttheres still some left, you say? Not anymore. The idea ofnone left is as good as none left, because were talkingabout commodities markets here, remember. Nobodys hammeringout a deal over a barrel of oil, this is happening oncomputers in Hong Kong, the prices are being set. So no moreoil, what does that mean? Gasoline, kerosene, propane,everything, gone. Non-oil fuels, what happens to them? Well,natural gas is still there, you still got natural gas, exceptall the demand carrying over from, well, anybody who uses oilnow means suddenly natural gas is too expensive... You getthe idea. Panic. Weve had price shocks before but think ofthis as the big one. The never-ending shock. The shock is our

new baseline, but it doesnt matter, because nobody can evenplay ball at that level. So no more fuel. Oil goes, it allgoes.

BRIANSo what happens is, essentially, total meltdown. The cars...Fucked. Tear em up, sell them for scrap. Well, how do youlive in the suburbs with no cars? Trains?

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LEEWe have a rail system that would be the shame of Bulgaria.

BRIANExactly. So youre probably saying, fine, you move to thecity. Population centers, you rely on farmers markets.

Everything local, figure out how to get the gasoline out ofyour diet. Everything settles back to a new normal. No.

LEEFat chance.

TODDYeah!

Traci starts the dishwasher, gets ahandle of Absolut from under the centerisland, and sits down on one of thestools, her back facing Todd, Brian,

and Lee. At intervals, she swigs fromthe bottle of vodka.

BRIANBecause once the energy starts to fade away, the cities aregonna get pretty grim real fast. Think about it, even beforethe grid blinks off for good, lets say were only talkingabout a rolling blackout-type situation. California, 2005.Well, what are all those people going to do, living inskyscrapers with no elevators? With barely any real food, youthink peoples legs are gonna take them up and down fiftyflights all day?

LEEAbandon ship!

BRIANRight, of course not. And then remember what Lee was sayingjust now about the natural gas. What do you thinks gonnahappen when the natural gas reserves in these cities startgetting low? Simple. Youre gonna see the pressure drop.Across the board. Pipes are gonna freeze and burst all at thesame time, and youre gonna see it all washed into thestreet, peoples lives and garbage. Hallways flooded, awaterfall behind every window. Buildings getting waterlogged,

sagging, listing, crumpling where they stand. Exodus. Andthen what? Nothing, really, I mean. Do what humans always do.Regroup, reconcentrate along the waterways. Figure out how touse them for energy, to get around. Rebuild.

LEEBut not us.

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BRIANNo way, not us Morgans, and not you all either.

LEEHell, no.

TRACII dont see what any of this has to do with us moving onto aboat. You cocksucker.

BRIANWell, all of it has to do with all of it! What do you mean?This thing is about to happen, now! This financial thing,its huge but its just the start. This isnt just afinancial collapse, this is it. Collapse, period. Culture,society, currency... hit reset. Were headed back to thesteam era. Its happening now. On a boat, you got everythingyou need. Well sail with six months of propane, maybe alittle bit of stockpiled gasoline if we have an outboard in

case of faint wind or pirate emergencies... And then downbelow, six months of rice, six months of beans. Whatever wecan keep. Dried nuts, figs, raisins, fruits, whatever we candry out. Done right what were talking about is essentially afloating survival capsule for a family of four.

TODDWhat about me?

BRIANWhat about you? Youll be my first mate.

TODDNo, I mean, school. Im only in my second year.

BRIANSchool?

LEEHa! These kids are all studying to become hedge fundmanagers... Theyre gonna end up picking rutabaga!

TODDYou cant be serious. What about my education?

BRIANThe school was very understanding when I called. They said Iwasnt the first... Apparently a lot of people are up anddeciding now that they just cant keep paying for all that,important as it is. Unfortunately theyre not going to refundwhat they got from us already for the year but its so muchwater down the drain.

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TRACI(Chugging vodka.)

Down the drain, down the drain! So much vodka down the drain!

TODDYou already--? I cant even go back? What the fuck? This is

bullshit! You cant just not ask me! Im-- you know what,enjoy yourselves. Look at you. Nihilist idiots. Im going tobed. When I wake up Im driving to Rebeccas and youre notgoing to see me after that.

ZOE(Offstage)

HOW DOES IT FEEL, BROTHER? CROTCH WIPE!

TRACI(Chugging vodka.)(To Todd.)

Tell your sister shes a whore, and you know how I know it

is, shes a disappointment. That foul-mouthed little shit.

ZOE(Offstage)

DRINKING AGAIN? ARE YOU SURE IT WONT EAT THROUGH YOURPLASTIC FACE?

Exit Todd.

TRACISo were broke now, great.

BRIANNo, were yacht-owners, baby.

LEEJoin the club. Sure feels good, dont it?

BRIANYacht-owners. We will be kings soon. And you, a queen.

TRACIWere yacht-poor, then. How will I explain this to the girlsat the gym? Are we going to have an address down at themarina? Oh God, am I going to have to give out a slip number?

BRIANFor a while, I figure. But its about mobility, baby. Anchorsaweigh! Give me that bottle.

He drinks.

TRACIA yacht and no job. Thats just great.

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LEENo job? Now, wait a minute, these boats are the ticket.Thats what I was telling your husband after I got mine.These vessels are our future. Everybodys future, in fact.Because when peak comes--

BRIANAnd it will.

LEEWhen peak comes, the price of diesel is going to shoot uplike nobodys business overnight. And then well be able toundercut the truckers on price, you know, set up coastaltrading routes, maybe go up for apples from Vermont and meatfrom Canada, bring them down here and sell them at farmersmarkets or just out of the boats. I mean, I figure eventuallythese boats are going to be like beacons out there. Peopleare gonna pin a lot of hope on us in these boats. If we takethem past Marthas Vineyard well hear the old millionaires

in their coastal mansions crying out in joy and desperation.And well see them paddling out to us in their little unsurecanoes so they can try and barter with us. Their finestjewelry for a can of Spam. Their familys heirloom china fora set of double As. Its sad, really. Because what are wegoing to do with heirloom china? Theyll be quite poor,really. Well have to send them back.

BRIANWell, not if its gold jewelry. Or plates.

LEE

Well, no. Of course not. Gold will always be gold.BRIAN

Exactly. Thats the other thing, Traci. Dont be alarmed whenthe bank statement comes and theres nothing in any of theaccounts anymore. Were trying out something different.

TRACI(Chugging vodka.)

Different, same, its all the same.

BRIANIve opened a little cash-for-gold business just for our

area. Took out an ad in the daily and everything, just gonnarun it out of a P.O. box I got.

LEENow, listen to this. Your husband is a brilliant man.

BRIANBecause really, you hear cash for gold, I hear gold forcash.

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LEEA man of great foresight.

TRACI(Chugging vodka, spilling itall over her face, neck, and

blouse.)Yachts and gold, Im already sold! Weve got it made in theshade! My husbands buying up all the gold in town, I must bethe luckiest woman alive!

BRIANIt started off slow the first two days but pretty soon wordgot out! Ive been in business all of six days and alreadyIve got twenty eight thousand dollars worth of gold, baby!

LEEThis guy learns too quick!

TRACIGOLD!

LEEAll you gotta do really is offer a fair price on the ounceand theyll be lining up! Tough times for everybody, even thelady down the street with the ten thousand dollar broochsitting in her jewelry box. Why not parlay the insecurity ofothers into security for your own?

BRIANAnd so what if Im offering more for it than those internet

assholes, or the pawn shop, or anyone else? They dont getit, they dont see the big picture.

ZOE(Offstage.)

THE BIG PICTURE IS YOU COULDVE BOUGHT ME A JETTA WITH THATLIKE YOU PROMISED! JESUS CHRISTRAPING FUCK, DAD!

TODD(Offstage.)

YOU PULLED ME OUT OF COLLEGE SO YOU COULD BUY ALL THENEIGHBORS JEWELRY? YOU FUCKING JOKE!

BRIAN(Yelling at the ceiling.)GOD DAMN IT WHAT PART OF THE WORDS ECONOMIC COLLAPSE DO YOUNOT UNDERSTAND? YOU FUCKING INGRATES. STOP. THINKING. ABOUTWEALTH. IN TERMS OF MONEY.

LEEHeres a wise man.

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TRACI(Yelling at the ceiling.)

LISTEN TO YOUR FATHER!

LEEOh eight and oh nine are nothing new!

BRIANI swear to God we should just leave the kids.

LEEWhat about ninety-eight? Eighty-seven? Seventy-four? Hell,twenty-nine? They always forget.

TRACINo, how could you say that? These are our children.

BRIANYoure right, they may be worth something eventually. For

bartering. The boy, especially.

LEENineteen aught seven... Eighteen seventy-three... Eighteenthirty-seven. Damn it, if you had invested heavily in gold ineighteen thirty-six, eighteen thirty-seven would have been agood year for you. Thirty-seven! But most lacked theforesight then, as now.

TRACI(Sighing heavily.)

I am going to miss this place, though. Oh baby, do we really

have to leave right away?LEE

This is nothing. All of this is nothing, there is nothinghere. Except, soon, want. Great want.

BRIANHes right, hon. Ive always hated this place.

LEEThis place and all others like it, in equal measure. Theroughly thirty-six thousand other identical cul-de-sacs inupper-upper-middle-class America, all ringed with these...

(Lightly tapping the wall withhis shoe.)...Hollow... Masonite temples. Signifying what? Debt.

BRIANIts these God damned cardboard mansions we all consignourselves to, and why? To prove our wealth? Does this looklike wealth to you?

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(He punches a hole through thenearest wall, then another,then another.)

Is this opulence? Is opulence a four-thousand dollar coat ofLaura Ashley paint on top of a four-dollar slab of stonewall?No, this, here, this...

(He kicks out a sizable portion

of wall with his shoe.)...is what a lie looks like! This is what you see when youlook too closely!

LEE(Joining Brian in punctuatingevery sentence with a wall-crushing punch.)

I was thrilled to be rid of mine. It was like yours, ofcourse, give or take a few bay windows and amenitiespackages. But much the same spirit. Hallway here, stairwaythere, doorway over there. The general spirit ofridiculousness. But I wonder, how didthis become inscribed,

repeated, reified? This aesthetic of envious pastiche? Lookat this incredible monument to bullshit. These ridiculoustwenty-foot ceilings. Who put these here, all these columnsand banisters and pilasters and finials and porticos andmezzanines, hm? Whose sad, half-formed notion of grandeur isthis? Whose ridiculous cartoon idea of dignity and importanceis this? These houses look like the whores you find duringbusiness hours in the financial district. Like somebodysidea of desire, told secondhand. And inside? Nothing. Emptyboxes. American Potemkin villages. This is how the betterhalf lives.

TRACIBut I liked it. As long as it was ours. Because it was ours.Just for that.

BRIANLook, babe, nows no time for sentimentality. But if it makesyou feel any better therell be time for us to come back,eventually. Scavenge the house, see if anythings left. Seewhat we can scrap and trade. Although, honestly, theres notmuch worth a flying shit in here now, to begin with.

Brian attacks the wall with a runningkick, knocking out a hole three feet in

diameter.

LEENo doubt about it, this is the worst place in the world youcould sit tight. No way to ride things out here. No way. Thesocial contract breaks down, sweetie. There may not even beanything left to scavenge if you do come back. Think aboutit.

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Eventually when youre talking about ad-hoc societiesforming, you know, groups of a dozen or two dozen unrulyguys, out-of-work plumber-types, sitting around campfires,drinking rancid raisin wine they got in exchange for all thefood they had, maybe a handful of snared rock doves... Youdont think eventually theyll be on the march? You dontthink theyll eventually decide to head over to Greenwich

with rocks and knives and kitchen matches and see how therich folks are holding out? This place is a wasteland, butthis whole countrys a wasteland, and for some reason this isthe wasteland to beat, and that makes it a target. So saygoodbye while you can.

BRIANHes right, you know.

TRACII know. Damn.

Traci crosses over to the cabinets,

grabs a stack of dishes, and hurls themat the floor.

TRACIWell, no use in leaving anything for the bastards.

LEENow youre talking!

BRIANAll right!

TRACICome on, help me.

They all start going through thecabinets, finding anything breakable,and breaking it.

Enter Zoe and Todd.

ZOEWhat the hell is going on down here?

TODD

Youre all fucking nuts.

TRACICome on, kids! Theyre not gonna get shit when they show uphere!

BRIANWell all be laughing on the high seas!

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LEEHere, young lady. This is your fight now too.

Lee hands Zoe a stack of bowls and Todda stack of saucers. He looks into theireyes and nods solemnly. They join in

the destruction. The kitchen is an orgyof violence. Soon, the sound of sirensfades in, and with it, the sound of acar pulling into the driveway. There isa knock at the door.

TRACIOh, its the cops.

(With raised voice.)Come in!

POLICE OFFICER #1Police!

POLICE OFFICER #2What in the-- Do you all live here?

BRIAN(Indicating Lee.)

He doesnt. Otherwise yes. Or, no. Formerly. Soon.

POLICE OFFICER #2And these are all your things?

TRACI

Yes officer, we dont need them anymore.POLICE OFFICER #1

We had reports of a domestic dispute and breaking andentering.

ZOEWell, obviously its neither, so. Can you just leave usalone?

POLICE OFFICER #2Well, what exactly is going on, here?

LEEIts just the times, officer. These are uncertain times, asIm sure youve heard.

POLICE OFFICER #2I have.

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With Lee occupying the officers, Traci,Brian, Zoe, and Todd slowly resumesmashing everything in sight.

LEEThe times are full of uncertainty.

POLICE OFFICER #2Try telling that to the pension board, damn sons of bitches.I know that, you aint gotta tell me.

LEESo, thats just it. What you see here is a family adjustingto that uncertainty.

POLICE OFFICER #1Is that what theyre doing?

LEE

Its easy. You can do it, too. In your own homes.

POLICE OFFICER #1I doubt my wife would like that very much. Were saving for anew flat screen. Prices are going way, way down.

Todd takes a break from smashing andbegins searching frantically forsomething in the various drawers aroundthe kitchen.

LEE

They are, they are. Theyre heading for rock bottom. What anexcellent time to invest in a new television set. Getting agood deal is all about being there at rock bottom. Still, youcould join in here, if not at home. Theres much work to bedone.

POLICE OFFICER #1It does look like fun.

LEEHere, let me get you some empty things.

Lee crosses over to one of the

cabinets, and returns with a largestack of dishes, which he splits intotwo, handing one half to each policeofficer. The officers look at eachother, shrug, and join in the ongoingcacophony of destruction. Todd findswhat he has been looking for: a box ofkitchen matches.

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He grabs the bottle of liquor from thecenter island and smashes it to thefloor, spilling vodka everywhere. Hestrikes a match and tosses it to thefloor, igniting a fire. Then he returnsto the work of smashing, taking a heavyskillet to the glass-front cabinets

lining the kitchen. Shortly, moresirens are heard approaching.

Enter five firemen.

The firemen survey the room, and, aftera moments hesitation, decide to ignorethe fire and join in the smashing. Theytake to the fridge, passing anydestructible items within it fromfireman to fireman, bucket brigade-style. The last fireman takes eachitem, winds up, and hurls it across the

room, leaving colorful streaks andsplatters along the walls. Soon, moresirens are heard approaching.

Enter three paramedics.

The paramedics survey the room and,finding everyone on the sceneconscious, decide to join in thesmashing. The fire spreads. Soon thereis little else left to smash, and sothe group closes in on the towering,

empty stainless-steel refrigerator.Surrounding it and clutching at it,they strain and chant:

ALLHeave! Ho! Heave! Ho! Heave!

The refrigerator tips forward, thentopples onto the monolithic centerisland, which also topples forward witha thunderous crash.

ALL

Ho!Lights dim.

FIN.

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