13 Song Title Characters # 13/Becoming a Man Evan & Kids 2 The Lamest Place in the World Patrice 8 Hey Kendra Brett, Malcolm, Eddie, Kendra & Lucy 9 Get Me What I Need Archie, Evan & Kids 1 3 Opportunity Lucy, Kendra, Brett & Girls 1 5 What it Means to be a Friend Patrice 1 8 All Hail the Brain/Terminal Illness Evan, Archie, Brett & Kids 1 9 Getting Ready Archie, Evan, Brett, Eddie, Malcolm. Eric, Kendra, Lucy & Patrice 2 3 Any Minute Brett, Kendra, Patrice & Archie 2 7 Here I Come Evan & Kids 3 0 Being a Geek Evan & Rabbis 3 2 Bad, Bad News Eddie, Malcolm, Simon, Richie & Boys 3 5 Tell Her Evan & Patrice 3 8 It Can’t Be True Lucy, Molly, Charlotte, Cassie, Eddie, Malcolm & Kids 3 9 If That’s What It Is Archie, Patrice & Evan 4 2 A Little More Homework Evan, Charlotte, Patrice, Kendra, Lucy, Eric, Archie, Eddie, Cassie, Malcolm, Molly, Richie, Simon & Kids 4 5 Brand New You Cassie, Charlotte & Kids 4 8
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13
Song Title Characters #13/Becoming a Man Evan & Kids 2The Lamest Place in the World Patrice 8Hey Kendra Brett, Malcolm, Eddie, Kendra & Lucy 9Get Me What I Need Archie, Evan & Kids 13Opportunity Lucy, Kendra, Brett & Girls 15What it Means to be a Friend Patrice 18All Hail the Brain/Terminal Illness Evan, Archie, Brett & Kids 19Getting Ready Archie, Evan, Brett, Eddie, Malcolm. Eric, Kendra, Lucy & Patrice 23Any Minute Brett, Kendra, Patrice & Archie 27Here I Come Evan & Kids 30Being a Geek Evan & Rabbis 32Bad, Bad News Eddie, Malcolm, Simon, Richie & Boys 35Tell Her Evan & Patrice 38It Can’t Be True Lucy, Molly, Charlotte, Cassie, Eddie, Malcolm & Kids 39If That’s What It Is Archie, Patrice & Evan 42A Little More Homework Evan, Charlotte, Patrice, Kendra, Lucy, Eric, Archie, Eddie,
Cassie, Malcolm, Molly, Richie, Simon & Kids45
Brand New You Cassie, Charlotte & Kids 48
13/Becoming a Man
EVANI’m Evan Goldman I live at 224 West 92nd Street
In the heart of Manhattan and my life just went to hell!
Picture me:Just another cool kid in NYCNear the park and the Met
Life is sweet:Yankees in the Bronx, pretzels on the street
Just how good can it get?Who’d have guessed
Dad would meet a stewardess?Mom’s depressed
And her lawyers are meanNow I’m stressedLife is a disaster
And I’m cracking from the strainGoing totally insane
And I’m just about to turnJust about to turnJust about to turn
EVAN & KIDSThirteen!
EVANEverything switches…
EVAN & KIDSThirteen
EVANEverything turns around
EVAN & KIDSThirteen!
EVANEnd up in stitches
EVAN & KIDSThirteen!
EVANHide away underground
EVAN & KIDS
Thirteen!
EVANCan I get through it?
EVAN & KIDSThirteen!
EVANLife has changed overnight
EVAN & KIDSThirteen!
EVANHow do I do it?
EVAN & KIDSThirteen!
EVANNothing is going right
EVAN & KIDSThe best and the worst
And the most and the leastAnd the crazy and the scary
And I’m standing on the edge!
EVANTwelve years old
Everything that used to be good as goldStarts to crumble and crack
EVAN & TWO BOYSPressure mounts:
Once it was a joke, now it really countsAnd there’s no turning back
TWO GIRLSLife goes wrong
ONE BOYSuddenly they’re yelling ‘cause your hair’s too long
ONE GIRLOr your room isn’t clean
FIVE KIDSRoll along
EVANEvery conversation is another lost cause
Or a list of my flawsAnd I’m just about to turn
EVAN & THREE KIDSJust about to turn
EVAN & SIX KIDSGod, I’m gonna turn
EVAN & KIDSThirteen!
BOYI want a dirt bike!
EVAN & KIDSThirteen!
GIRLI want to kill my ma
EVAN & KIDSThirteen!
BOYI want a moustache
EVAN & KIDSThirteen!
GIRLI want a Wonderbra
EVAN & KIDSThirteen, when do I get it?
Thirteen, all of the grown-up stuffThirteen, how will I make it?
Thirteen, when am I old enough?
Why is the world feeling suddenly stranger?Why are my friends acting totally weird?
Why do I feel like my life is in danger?Why do I feel like my brain disappeared?
GIRLHow will I get through a year of Spanish?
BOYHow can I not look dumb in track?
BOYHow can I gain twenty pounds by Friday?
BOYHow can I make my voice not crack?
EVAN & KIDSI wanna fly, wanna run, wanna drive
Wanna get richWanna get drunkWanna get out!
Wanna get my braces offWanna get my nose piercedWanna grow my hair long
But all I keep hearing is“No, you’re not ready”“No it’s not time yet!”
“No, it’s not right now”“Wait until you’re older”
“No, you’re not ready”“No it’s not time yet!”
“No, it’s not right now”“Wait until you’re older”
“No, you’re not ready”“No it’s not time yet!”
“No, it’s not right now”“Wait until you’re older”
“Homework!”“Laundry!”“Dishes!”
“Courses!”“Just settle down and hold your horses!”
EVANIn the middle of this city
In the middle of this streetThere’s the sound of something crumbling
Rumbling underneath my feetIn the middle of the sidewalk outside PS84
I hear a roar, I can’t ignore
I hear “Evan, it’s not your fault”I hear “Evan, can’t you see!”I hear “Evan, do you want to
Go with mom or stay with me”I hear “Kiddo, I’m not angry!”
I hear “Buddy, you know best!”
And there’s the rumbling getting louderBut there’s one day in October
When the pieces all will fitWhen they have to be together
And pretend they didn’t quitI’ve got one day in October
And I know it’s got to beThe perfect party!
I’m becoming a manI don’t know what “a man” really means
The rulebook growsBut no one knows
What all the rules allow
I’m becoming a manNo one tells all us scared in-betweens
Just how we shouldBe strong, be good
With so much pressure now!
One day it gets betterOne day it makes sense
One day I’ll stop talking in the friggin’ future tenseOne day in October
It’ll all be great!And I can’t wait!
I can’t wait!I can’t wait!
GIRLI can’t wait to come to your party!
ANOTHER GIRLI can’t wait to come to your party!
TWO BOYSI can’t wait to come to your party!
TWO KIDSI can’t wait to come to your party!
KIDSI can’t wait to come to your party!
I can’t wait to come to your party! Party!I can’t wait! I can’t wait!Can’t wait! Can’t wait!
Can’t wait, can’t wait, can’t wait, can’t wait for
ONE GROUPThirteen!
EVAN & OTHER GROUPSomething is comin’
ONE GROUPThirteen!
EVAN & OTHER GROUPSomething is goin’ up!
ONE GROUPThirteen!
EVAN & OTHER GROUPSomething is hummin’
ONE GROUPThirteen!
EVAN & OTHER GROUPSomebody’s growin’ up
EVAN & KIDSThirteen!
GIRLHey, yeahhh!
EVAN & KIDSThirteen
BOYNo, no, no, no, no, no
EVAN & KIDSThirteen
ANOTHER BOYHey, yeah, yeah, hey, yeah
EVAN & KIDSThirteen
GIRLYeah, yeah, yeah
EVAN & KIDSThe best and the worst
And the most and the least
And the crazy and the scaryAnd we’re just about to turn thirteen!
The Lamest Place in the World
PATRICEDown the road, there’s a Dairy Queen
Up the block, there’s a WalmartThere’s a place you can accessorize your pets
A school, a tree, a couple of churchesAnd no matter how hard anybody searches
That’s about as thrilling as this dumb-ass village gets
It’s the lamest place in the worldBut it just got a little bit better
So don’t disappearIt’s the lamest place in the world
But I’m pretty sureIt’s not as lame as it was before
Now that you’re here
Forty miles to the nearest riverSixty miles to the airport
When we plan our escape, that’s where we’re going to have to beIt’s a shame, it’s a sham, it’s a terrible pityYou got dragged away from New York City
It’s major suck for you but it’s amazing luck for me
It’s the lamest place in the worldBut it just got a little bit better
I’m happy to sayIt’s the lamest place in the world
You’re completely exoticIntellectual neurotic
You would never have a shot exceptYou’ve found the perfect guide
And though I don’t really know youI can hardly wait to show you
Every fake and freakEvery fool and clown
Since the Chippewa settled this stupid townLet and laugh
They won’t keep me downWith you by my side
And it just got a little bit betterAmazing but true
Yes, the lamest place in the worldHas lots of flaws
But maybe it’ll be fine because
It brought me to you
Hey Kendra
MALCOLMOne, two, three
EDDIEHere we go
EDDIE & MALCOLMHey Kendra
BRETTHey Kendra
EDDIE & MALCOLMI’ve been thinking
BRETTI’ve been thinking
EDDIE & MALCOLMI’ve got to, got to, got to, got to get with you
BRETTSo true
EDDIE & MALCOLMI wanna get up all in your business girl
And make you feel real fine
BRETTUh, real fine, not fake fine
EDDIE & MALCOLMHey Kendra
BRETTHey Kendra
EDDIE & MALCOLMCome closer
BRETTMuch closer
EDDIE & MALCOLMI got myself a brand new rocking horse
Why don’t you climb up here
EDDIEAnd rock it, rock it all night long
BRETTOkay, okay stop! Yeah! Not gonna work
EDDIEYeah, so gonna work! Its double edge
EDDIE & MALCOLMSmooth!
BRETTGuys, Kendra’s a good girl. I can’t just hit on her like whack-a-mole. I do that, I will never get the
tongue, incoming! Kendra, 3 o’clock!
MALCOLMOne, two, three
EDDIEGet shezy!
BRETTKendra, there’s something I want to ask you
LUCYOh, God!
EDDIE & MALCOLMHey Kendra
BRETTHey Kendra
EDDIE & MALCOLMI’ve been thinking
BRETTI’ve been thinking
BRETT, EDDIE & MALCOLMI want to spend a little special time with you
KENDRAAw!
BRETT, EDDIE & MALCOLMI want to take you to a movie, girl
BRETTFriday night
BRETT, EDDIE & MALCOLMDown at the mall
KENDRAIt’s perfect!
LUCYNo, it isn’t!
EDDIE & MALCOLMHey Kendra
BRETTHey Kendra
EDDIE & MALCOLMDon’t be nervous
BRETTTrust me, baby
BRETT, EDDIE & MALCOLMWe’re gonna get some popcorn and some Raisenettes
MALCOLMChocolate covered
EDDIETell your Mama not to worry, girl
EDDIE & MALCOLMIt’s gonna feel real fine
KENDRAYay!
LUCYNo, no, no, no, no
You can’t go to the movies on Friday night
EDDIE & MALCOLMNo, no, she can’t do it
LUCYI said she can’t go
EDDIE & MALCOLMUh-uh, no way
LUCY
‘Cause you already committed to do that thing
KENDRAWhat thing?
LUCYThat thing
KENDRAWhat thing?
LUCYThat thing you said you would do on Friday
KENDRAThere is no thing
LUCYYes there is, Kendra
KENDRAI’m going to the movies Friday night with Brett
LUCYNo, you’re not
Don’t contradict me in public, KendraWe’ll talk about this later
KENDRAFine!
BRETT, EDDIE & MALCOLMHey KendraI’m begging
MALCOLMPlease go to the movies on Friday
KENDRASure, I’ll come
LUCYWe so majorly have to talk
BRETT, EDDIE & MALCOLMOoh, baby
We so good
EDDIEYou’re gonna get all up in her business, y’all
Get Me What I Need
ARCHIEThere’s the cool kids
There’s the preps and there’s the skate punks and the jocksAnd then there’s me
There’s the losersThere’s the nerds and there’s the stoners and the Goths
And then there’s me
But then there’s you!‘Cause you’re the new kid in the school
You’re not defined by one specific breed!And so you’re free to flit from group to group
From scene to scene‘Cause you’re not the conduit, the medium, the go-between
Which means you’re perfectly positioned to get me what I need
EVANLook, Archie, I’m the wrong guy for this
ARCHIEOne date, that’s all I’m asking
EVANIsn’t there some nice girl on the special needs bus?
ARCHIEThey don’t like me
Evan back before the crutchesIt was clear, I don’t fit here
So it’s hopelessI can’t walk right up to Kendra and say “Hey”
She’d run away
But look at you!You’re making friends and having parties
And adapting with impressive speedJust twenty minutes when we’re sitting so our knees can touch
Yes, it’s a tiny inconvenience, but it means so muchCause out of all of Indiana, you can get me what I need!
EVANIt’s impossible!
ARCHIEAnd what I need is Kendra!
BOYS
Kendra, Kendra
ARCHIEBeautiful Kendra!
BOYSKendra, Kendra
ARCHIEWonderful Kendra!Make her appear!
BOYSAh-ah-ah!
Ah-ah!
ARCHIE & BOYSIf you want a girl, the girl you want is
ARCHIEKendra!
GIRLSKendra, Kendra!
ARCHIEVery hot, Kendra!
BOYSVery hot, very hot
ARCHIEGo tell Kendra
I’m waiting here!
Here’s the problemEvery minute, every second that I wait might be too late
So let’s face itIf I ever had a chance
The time is now, so who cares how?Just do your best
And I won’t bother you againAnd that’s a promise guaranteed!
So, you can help me outAnd we can both do very well
Or I can turn around and make your life a living hellIt’s up to you, you’ve got a choice, you’ve got incentive to succeed!
Yes, I know it sounds insane, Jerry Lewis can explainYou’ve got to help me, Evan, help me, Evan
Help me, Evan, help me, EvanGet me what I need!
EVANI’ll try
ARCHIEI knew you would
Opportunity
LUCYMy best friend ran out on her boyfriend
And her boyfriend’s a boy that I wanna be withMy best friend’s in a bad situation
When she cries and she tried to repair her romanceIs it nasty if I notice that I just got a chance?
If I whisper pretty please a little, maybe I can seize a little
O-P-P, opportunityO-P-P, opportunity
GIRLSO-P-P, opportunityO-P-P, opportunity
Whoa, whoaWhoa, whoa
LUCYWhat kind of glam slam girl would I be
If I didn’t take advantage of an opportunity
KENDRAHere we go!
KENDRA & GIRLSThe Quayle Quails rock and the Quayle Quails kills
The Thunderhawks won’t but the Quayle Quails willThe Quayle Quails squawk and the Quayle Quails cluckThe Quayle Quails win cause the Thunderhawks suck!
LUCYI could be Brett’s brand new girlfriend
KENDRALucy, look at Brett!
LUCYI could show him a lot of new tricks
KENDRAHe looks like a rainbow full of sad
LUCYKendra still wants to be Brett’s girlfriend
KENDRALucy, go apologize to him for me
LUCYBut do I cut her a break ‘cause she made a mistake
Or do I take the reward that I really wanna takeNo matter how I contemplate it, this is such a complicated
GIRLSO-P-P
LUCYOpportunity
GIRLSO-P-P
LUCYOpportunity
GIRLSHey-yo!
O-P-P, opportunityO-P-P
LUCYOpportunity
GIRLSWhoa, whoaWhoa, whoa
LUCYHow do I choose what to say, what to see
When presented with a candy-coated opportunity
I was denied but now I’ve learnedI’m getting ready
I’m gonna get the thing I yearnI’m really ready
I’m really ready for youI’m really ready to do
Something I’ve wanted to do for so long!
BRETTOh, hey, Lucy, oh!
GIRLSO-P-P
BRETTOpportunity
GIRLSO-P-P, opportunity
O-P-P
BRETTOpportunity
GIRLSO-P-P, opportunity
Whoa, whoaWhoa, whoaWhoa, whoaWhoa, whoa
LUCYWhat kind of best friend would I be
If I didn’t take advantage of an opportunity!
What it Means to be a Friend
PATRICEA friend’s not a cheap little phony creep
Or a jerk trying to make a dealA friend is a person who, most of all
Cares about what you feelAnd nothing is harder
Than learning a friend isn’t real
A friend sends notes back and forth all dayAnd doesn’t care that you can’t spell
A friend knows you’ve got a crush on your teacherBut a friend would never tell
A friend’s outside waitingThe minute you both hear the bell
And if your heart is always breaking‘Cause the world is just not fair
When you’re at your worstYour friend’s the first one thereGiving you something to lean on
And that’s what it means to be a friend
A friend won’t smoke when she’s in your roomOr laugh at the poems you write
A friend won’t go start kissing your brotherThe minute that you’re out of sight
A friend is the personYou call sixteen times every night
And if your heart is always breakingAnd you want to run and hide
When your hope is goneYour friend is on your side
If someone moves in ‘round the cornerAnd you want to show him you care
So you give him all your last month of vacationAnd all of the time you can spare
But then, on the first day of classesHe act like you’re not even there
Then he doesn’t knowHe doesn’t know!
He’ll never know what it meansTo be a friend!
All Hail the Brain/Terminal Illness
KIDSBrain’s gonna do it!Brain’s gonna do it!
Friday night, the brain’s gonna do it!Friday night, we go to the mall
And Brain’s gonna get us into the movie!Gonna go see The Bloodmaster!Friday night, The Bloodmaster!
Friday night, Friday night!Brain’s gonna do it!Brain’s gonna do it!
EVANI have a plan, I have a plan
Possibly, I think I have a planIt’ll take a lot of work, it’ll take a lot of luckBut when it all comes through, they’ll say
All hail the brain!He does what no mere mortal can
He’s the man, Evan GoldmanAll hail the brain!
He did what no one else could doSaw us through, saved the day
And all I have to do is
Wait till Mom goes to sleepThen sneak the license from the wallet in her purse
Make a coloured Xerox, laminate itThen put the licence back in the wallet in her purse
Then find the dress she wore in the pictureOn the license that I copied and I laminated
Wear the dress, get a wig, show the licence, buy the ticketsWhat could go wrong?
KIDSBrett’s gonna do it!Brett’s gonna do it!
Friday night, Brett’s gonna do it!Friday night, at the Bloodmaster!
Brett’s gonna do the tongue with Kendra!Friday night at the movie in the mall!
And the Brain’s gonna get us in!
EVANI have a plan! A better plan!
Actually an almost perfect plan
It sounds absolutely nuts, it’ll take a lot of gutsBut when it all comes through, they’ll say
All hail the brainGive that bar mitzvah boy a hand
Ain’t he grand, ain’t he great?And all I have to do is
Go that day to the movie theatreBreak into the projection room
Steal the reels of film for the BloodmasterTake ‘em down the hall where they’re showing Bambi
Switch the reels, leave the theatreTell the guys we’re gonna go and see Bambi
What could go wrong?
BRETTHey, Brain, did you set up my date for Friday?
EVANDate?
BRETTWith Kendra?
EVANDate? Date! Archie, I have major news!
I have a plan, I have a planSo you and Kendra can go out on Friday night
ARCHIEOoh!
EVANI need your help, though, so stay calm
You need to go talk to my momAnd it’ll all come true because
No one says no to a boy with a terminal illnessTake it from me, it’s a sure guarantee of success
Listen, I’m not making fun of your terminal illnessBut you hold the secret to getting my mom to say yes
So talk to my mom, and get her to buy the tickets we need to obtainBrett gets his movie, I get the credit, and you get your date, so who could complain?
Except for you because you’re dying, but
No one says no to a boy with a terminal illnessWho could refuse when you shuffle your shoes and say please?
Use all the tricks that you learned in your cradleYou don’t need to lay it on thick with a ladle
‘Cause no one says no to a boy with a fatal disease!