116501238-Elle-Magazine-OJ-Simpson-Trial-Coverage-by-Amy-Pagnozzi.pdf

8/17/2019 116501238-Elle-Magazine-OJ-Simpson-Trial-Coverage-by-Amy-Pagnozzi.pdf

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All

ato aelin

wants to

do

is have

some fun

Is

that so wrong?

Amy Pagnozzi spends quality time

with the clown prince

of

the case

of

the

century

henever he

isspottai

by

his public,

KaroKaelin

is always

obliging.

"Kato,

man, how yadoing?"

Kato-love

che hair."

It doesn't matter where

Kato's headed, or what he's

supposed to

do.

There

is

never

too little

t ime-no

matter

whose time he's on to ask

people's names, sign auto

graphs, swap pleasantries.

Clocks don't

faze

him. They

do me, but I'm me one whds

spent two

weeks

ofmy life

in

an L.A. hotel suite wooing

Kato's publicist, agent, and

lawyer

by

telephone and fax

machine

to

nail this sir-down

interview, which to Kato

The one that made

him

a star.

One day you're an under

emplo

yed

thirtysomething

houseboy

wim me sex appeal

ofLassie, next thing

QU

know,

Hollywood's

at your paws and

college

coeds are stripping

fur

you on the street, present

ing the glories that bounce

beneath their

T-shirts fur

your

inspection.

Karo

Kaelin

is

a

happy puppy these days,

rolling around in the karmic

wave that carried him from

freeloader

to phenom

as

ifhe

were

born

to it. People

ask

meifl'msick

of

he

arrencion.

It's an honor,

says

Karo.

"Every

person I meet

is

a sep

arate person. I{

hate to

go

up

to some famous individual on

the day he gave out his one


2/6

suggest r.his was merely the truth.

On the day of the murders, he reminds

me, had his cypewrirer been working, he

would have composed a new resume co

tuck beneath apizza he imended to

deliver

personally

to

a casting director holding an

audition. Who knows? he says, perhaps

that pizza would have landed the role that

would

have

made him as famous as h is

now because of the murders.

Sounds like DNA odds co me. To Kaco,

"You can't know

1

wouldn't be F.unous now

and I can't know that. l always knew some

thing, whatever, was going

to

happen in my

life.

I

always

knew

la be

here."

When

Kato talks

locations,

he is

talking

degrees

of fame.

Here"

Famous.

Up

there, more

famous.

Acmallocations are

problematic, because he does not

n d ~ r a n d

you can only

be

in one place at a time and

must choose between all those

A-list

parties,

show-business meetings, and hotnew babes.

When, by some miracle,

be

shows up at

my hotel for our interview only s ~ g h c l y lace,

he gets

waylaid

further in r.he

lobby.

".Am-age " he trills over the

hous

e phone.

(No matter how short your name, be

diminutizes it

furthe.r.

Amy,

An1age. The

Juice,

Juiceag

e ) "You have co rome down

her job with an Asian airlines carrier.

''Where's your

camera?

she demands when

she s s me

T

ell her

I

am

a writer, not a

photographer.

She

sends me

to my room to

search

lOr

a

disposable

camera

in

the

mini-

bar,

saying, ''Go now. Rod won't wait.

I

know my \Vay around rhe

minibar;

llmow

there's

no camera in

there; obligingly,

1

go

anyway.

When get back, Karo is

air

playing

the guitar with Rod's band (Rod never

s

howed

)

while

she

rakes

phoco afi:er photo

with acamerashe has somehow managed

to

borrow. One

of

he original m

embers

of

he

c e ~ is offering Kato front-row seats and

backstage passes to Rod's L.A. g

ig

as

I'm

dragging Karo back

to

my room.

T

d

love

ro

go, ifl 'm around,"

I bur

his manners, when it comes

to

remember

ing names, opening doors, saying please

and thank you, and avoiding profimiry, are

impeccable. Once in my

room, he

notices I

got my hair trimmed,

mixes

me his signa

ture Karo Kaelin

Global Fan

Club rock.rail

(apple juice and iced rea), then shows me

to the couch, plopping to the

£loor

at my

underemployed to be

available,

someone

s

uffici

ently beholden tha t you can send

rum back to his room, like

an

actual kid.

When he gives you that trademark

rorally

rapt-bur-slighdy-bcwildered look, you

feel

powerful by comparison. You know the

expression

I mean;

i c ~ d1e

oneyour doggets

when you've got a pocketful

of

Milk-Bones.

Kid and animal analogies are inescapable

in any disrussion

of

heman; everyonewho

knows him

uses them.

''Kato reminds meof

a puppy or a kirten- he's got this playful,

innocent-but-rroublemaking quality to

his

character, says director Savage Steve

Holland, who in fact

cast

Kato

as

Kat the

Kitten in his FOX cartoon Eek The

CAt

He's

so vivacious."

Holland

adds.

He's

kind ofl.ilre

r.heprom king but even though

be's

the

prom

king,

you still like him.

Brian "Kaco'' Kaelin, who took his

nickname from a character

on the V

show The Grem

Hornet,

was, in

fact,

prom king

at Nicoler

High

,

School in

G

lendal

e,

Wtsconsin, and prides

him-

self on being congenial. He

says

he

mixed with greasers and stoners in

school as

easily

as he

did with thejocks

and the drill-team girls:

"T

didn't have

any

Favorites,

and that's the truth, he

declares earnestly.

His mother, Isabelle, who worked as

an industrial .nurse at the Schlitz

Br

ewery when he

was

growing up,

says

that from his first day in the

first

grade

ar Our Lady ofGood Hope

parochial

school, he

was

always "very, very popu

lar. We

hav

e a grear

big

backyard, and

hewas always putting on sl;ows for the

kids here. Kato's

Favorite

act? Scooting

inside the

house

to come bounding our wid1

his

clectcic guiCU",

on

which he would

airplay

Born to Run while Bruce Springsteen

blared

&om

the stereo.

He d1ought he

\vas

Bmce Springsteen,

says

Kato

's

thirty-seven-year-old

sister, GaiL

the little girls used to scream when he

'played' he was always so up. Kato's were

tough fOotsteps to follow." In d1ose days he

was known as

Brian,

the restofthesix Kaelin

siblings were

known

as Brian's

brothers

and


3/6

l rofile

health-care professionals

.

Kato

was the only

one of

Al's

kids who never held down a

tra

ditional job; his father had a problem wiLh

thar. AI felt

he

needed to

find

some profes-.

sion, some trade- something other than

C

l

ass

Clown

to

pur

on

his

resume.

"I always thought my dad

was tough

on

me, Kato recalls.

'1tsrarnxi

when

I was

in school. He wanted me to be a pro

ballplayer, and

Twas good

enough

to

have a

shot, but

I was

n't commirred.

1

preferred

hanging with my buddies co mnning and

working out.

To this day,

Ka

to

Eek

The atdirector Holland daims,

There are 2illions ofguys like Karo

out

here inL who reason that at some point

you

aan

onlydo so much, then

you're

wait

ing for your

break.

You just open yourself

up

and l

et

it come in, instead

of

putting it

out. And sometimes it happens; people

who don't work all thar nard suddenly

become famous.

lr

's happening for Kato. A Roseanne

episode heappears

in

bas not

yt t aired,

but

there are movie roles he could take right

n

ow,

ifhewanted them.

Eek T/;e

Gtt and

occasiona

l stints host

does

not

have

the

f o c u ~

his father wanted for

him. nr just always

wanted ro be on the

top, in

something, to

be

in d1e

spoilighr

. I

never

gave up," Kato says.

Alone with Kato,

you can

see how pleasant

it mus

t have

ing

Talk Soup

keep

him

afloat till he

plays

Vegas

with Anderson,

whom he'll also

accompany

on

che

road. Ir's almost as

if

he can't

put

his foot

down without step

ping in it. When Kato

went

to

see

the

heavy

metal band Anthrax,

they told him, even

though he can't sing,

that he could

jo

in

their group. When he

flew back toLA from

the Kentucky Derby

(where he

was

f ~ t e d

with Muhammed Ali ,

hejust happened, hav-

He

decided Cali

fornia was the place

where destiny would

find him after

taking

a

trip to Redlands with

one

of

his high school

buddies. Just over

a

year

later,

he transferred to

a college in che area.

Again, he had a slight

problem

with

location.

1 thought Redlands

was

LA ,

he

admits.

been for OJ and

Nicole

to have

someone

so determinedly

ingratiating

hanging around

the house.

How

did I know

what was meant co bappeo ro me when I

growing

up?" says Kato.

I

was

pretty,

no ,

very

hip back then-

I

mean,

1always

knew I was way, way ahead ofmy time. I

remember when I was a lirde kid looking

in the mirror sometimes, when

fd

get into

an argumenr with my dad or something,

r

remember crying

all

the time and going:

Tm

eaving. I

am

not

stay

ing here. I'm l

eav

ing.' (He says these words in a sniveling,

childish voice.) I'd wa.ir until I'd stopped

bawling. And then fd move away

Tom

the

mirror. J knew I was supposed to be

Infur here.

ing been bumped up

to

first

class, co be seared next ro Jon Lovit'l..

Lovitt

offered hi

m a

ro

le

on bis FOX car

toon

series, The

Critic.

'T

m going

to

conquer

this

comedy thing

first, declares Karo. I've got Louie

Anderson,

T

can't ask

fo

r anything mor

e.

He's brilliant, he's a genius. He h

as

an

insight

in

m

e

l mean, he justknows

me.

rand-up comedy, perhaps an

album, his own

TV

show, and

definitely movies are what he

sees in his furure, for srarters.

Not only comedic roles, either.

Kato.

'1\c

ring, you're on aset gettinga lot

of

moneyand

you're there to

do

make-believe.

Youre playing pretend. You're a kid again.

I had never before met anybody overage

eight who

gaz ed

outat the

worJd

to

see such

limitl

ess

ho

ri

wns. Close your

eyes

and l

is

ten to binl.

You

could be c-alking to a child.

A lot of the

girls,

they see me

as

a boy,

and yet, a man, says Karo. It's funny.

Even

though I a prom king, I always

looked

like

a

b

aby. Th

egirls I wanted

to

go

out with were set on the older guys. Now

it's just the opposite.

Of

course, now he is an older

guy,

the

bags beginning

to

set in beneath those

puppy-dog eyes,

buc

he doesn't choose to

know it.

At

thi

rty-six,

he still talks about

marriage

and children

as

if he hasn't already

been there and gone. ''I would love to f.tll

in love someday and get married.

Kids?

I

know

I

will. Lots of

kids.

rll

hav

e all that

scuff. Maybe an occasional nanny, so

J

could srill do stuffwith thewife.''

I remind

him

that he has ao ex-wi

fe

named Cyndi. He says,

I

never should

have gotten married. She was going

ro

beauty school and modeling and she was

very beautiful and Tsaid,

O

h my God,

this model-girl

li

kes me,

she

loves

me

,

she'd marry me, I'd better get

her

befOre

my friends

do

.' That's how immature T

was at rwe

ncy-three.

Lay

la, or Laylage, as

be

a l l ~ her, comes

to my mind immediarely

ur I don'r

bring her up, because 1 don't want to

remind him that he's lace for this week's

"model-gi

rl.

It was

Like a total rejection after Cyndi

and J separared,

o

he continues. J felr very

w1atrractive physica

ll

y and I couldn

't

be

fUnny

anymore. l had

this

emotion ofbeing

hwl.

I

felt

very

alone , He feels he suffered

a major-league d

epression

that

lasted

three

weeks,

until he found bachelor

digs

with

rwo guys and three i r ~ and

"was

fine."

l


4/6

profil

at times, even to see rhac she showered.

Nevenhclcss, Cyndl's attitude

coward

her

ex

today

is

more bemused than angry: What

am.I say abour Kato? He's one of a kind,

she says. Cyndi

.

>'a)'S her generosirysprings

from her happy marriage

to

an engineer

named

Rick,

who embraced the fatherly

duties Kaco abandoned.

Karo

himse fadmits

hehad

no

desire ro

be

a dad. ''I

was like, Oh

my God, no

way

can

you be

pregnane,

you Cln't

be,

you

can't be,

1

don'r want to have a haby. l'd always rhink.

r

Or

what

do l have a baby? and it's only

now that fm srarting to

flickhe

srarred

in], with a the

boob

kissing

and humping and grinding and everything

else--when she

was

five " Shelaughs. Kato

claims he made her

close

her

eyes

during

rhe

bad pans. Lcr's justsay he's more into being

a buddy than

raking

on a fatherly

role."

Karo's

such a textbookClSC of Dan Kiley,

MD's, The

Peter

Pan Syndrome: Men. Wbo

Have Never Grown

Up f

go our and pick

up

a copy

of

he 1983 best-seller ro reread

it. When I call Cyndi to make sure I'm not

being

unfu.i.rly

harsh on Kaw she giggles

and

reUs

me about the rime

Kato

wrapped

an eight-by-ten

glossy

of himself

1n

shiny

paper and gave

it 1.0

know why

TtfEmy was

born. When I

ask him

co elaborate, he says, As

far as me looking at a

flower, to me,

it's

a

flower,

okay, bur

Tif-

fany looks at a flower

very d i f f c t ~ : : n t l y

deli

cately.

Now l under

stand women, with her

growing

up.

'Growing

up

I

was

pretty,

no, v ry

hip back then

1

mean,

I

always knew I

was way,

her for Chrisrmas.

I

make Cyndi rake

Dr. Riley

's

test for

women who want

ro

see if there's a Peter

Pan in their lives. Out

of a possible score of

forty; Kato rates a

pathological twen

ry

six, indicating that

both he and any

woman considering

sharing his life should

He

seems to be

implying chat Tilliny

was

born 1.0 enhance

his

own

self-growth,

butI figure he can't

be

.

Then he nods his

head: Yes, that's right.

Daughters This years

way

ahead

of

my time,''

says

Koto .

seek professional help.

perfectaccersoryfor the weU-dressed narcissist.

Earlier

in

our

c o n v e J ~ t i o n s

Kaco

had

told

me that

Shakespeare's The ]empest

was

aU about a

guy

who wanted "ro

go

out

and travel and experiment in life. Thar

was

pretty scary. But it

was

only when he

began calking about his daughter that I felr

genuinely horrified. L

's

not that he doesn 't

truly

love

his daughter, either-he does

within his limited understanding ofwhat

that means.

Dad,

yo

u

want

co

hear asong? liffimy

a . ~ k s when he calls her on speakerphone

from my room.

'lo

rhe nme

of Oay-0,

she sings, "Kato, Ka-a-a-to. O.J.'s

gone

and

Kato's got no home.

Kato: "Sing a di:Herenr song.

Trffany: Kat

o,

Ka-a-a-ro. Karo gees girls

wherever he goes Amy didn't

Lik

e that

The symptoms:

Doesn't like to say

he's

sorry.

Fo l gets birthdaJS

and

anrtiversar£es.

Musr

be

the life

of he

parry,

Has

unexplained

Hates

being

alone that one l

:already knew.

The night

he got

back

from Kentucky;

before

we'd even

mer,

Karo

was

so despcrnte

co

have company

for dinner, he called all ofhis friends, then

evetybody

he knew, rill,

.finding

nobody at

a was home,

he got down

to

me.

U n c a U e ~ f o r j l a s h e s ojmge?ll1at

onesur

prised me. Cyndi laughs again. Oh,

yes.

He's gor quire a temper, and

irs

always over

the silliest things. I'll tell you

wl1at,

rhough, she adds. He used to wcite me

the mosr beautiful poetry and the most

beauriful letters when we

were

still court

ing. Prerry odd, Cyndi concedes,

for

someone who can't finish sentences when

he's speaking. It gave me something w

think abour. Could it

be,

when Karo

says,

They're better than any comedy act.

Iff

get cocky. rhey

tell

me, 'He's changing

his

name from Kato

to

Pluto,

he

's

got

his

own planet now.' ''

As Karo puts it, 'IV will always be

there, but being our

wich

my

buddies, it

's

so important.

He

's got a lor of buddies

these days, including Charlie Sheen and

Nick

Cassavercs,

with whom

be

enjoys hit

ting the clubs and playing baseball. Kaw

wore oneof

Sheen's jackers

to coutton one

of

the early days of his testimony. 'Tve

made so many friends, he end1Uses,

infurming me

chat Lany

King invited him

to his engagement parcy and Politically

Incorrect

host

Bill

Maher took him along

as

a sidekick ro a friend's bachelor

party.

Jessica H

alm

and Roxanne Pul irlCr and

Gennifer flowers spring immediately ro

mind.

l

know ir 's

b o o d e . ~ s

to t:ell

him

,

''Well, of course they invire youplaces,

you're the

flavor

of he

weekJ

ir's a wonder

rhey didn't make you

jump

out of the

cake. I rell him anyway.

1 don

'r

get what you mean, he

says

.

''1

am

see

when there's fi·iendsh.ip."

Fo

r rhe first

rime

ever in my life, I regret

1 wasn't more blunt. Karo Kaelin is rhe

brand-spanking-new, latest spin on a long

standing, time-honort:d tradition.

He

's

America's first Male Bimbo.

And

he

doesn't

even

know

it.

yndi is

amazed

at the change in

the way people perccive Karo

these days, righr down ro her

own family.

My

relatives, rhe

same people who were saying he

was such a jerk, such a s e . ~ ;

want

ro

get rheir pictures

calcen

with him

now,

they're&.wningall over hlm.

Daughter Tiffany goes deadpan when

she

sees

people do rhis. Tmean, he's

nice,"

she says, bur 1 just don't see it, Mom.

What's the big &scinarion with my dad?"

Kato himself

is

the only one who's

not

amazed.

Theres no doubt he saw his srim

on the

stand ar theOJ. rrial as

an

audition,

ot

chat he

was

positively staggered when

Marcia Clark had him declared a hostile

wit;ness.''

He tOld

me he had no idea whar

tbe tetm

meanT aT

that

ume

. H ow could


5/6

profil

given his final approval ro

Stnr Witness:

My

Lift

With Nicole

and 0.).

Simpson

a

manu

script they'd worked on for

six

monrhs

together,

has a different take on that.

Bur

I

believe Kato really thinks he is

telling the truth when he

says,

There

was

never a book. After

all

he knows nothing

of the literazyworld, only show business.

In show business, when somebody pitches

you a project, whether you

love

it or hate

it, you say

yes,

yes,

yes.

Does tbac mean

you madea deal? No,

all

it means is you're

a

player.

ln show business, nothing

is real

but d

1e

check.

That

's how

Karo

can con

cede chat his

voice

was on Eliot's tape

recorderand

his

name

was

on the proposal

Eliot shopped around,

inrended.

He wasn

't even thinking about

her when he made his decision:

He

was

far too

busy

envisaging the exciting adven

tures h

e'd have living

wim

0 .J.

This a

fellow

for whom nm,

in

the most

childish meaning

of

that

word,

is

para

mount. Who keeps a princess phone in

his

'83

Jaguar

so

he can pretend he's calk

ing on it. Who ends

every

phone conver

sation with

..

Whoever hangs up first is

the greatest.

\'V'ho

doses every personal

encounter with rhe Karo handshake,

which

is

sortofa consensual snap.

In fu.imess

, just as Karo

has

no

jusri6carion

for

the

greatexpectations

he

has for himself,

he's given

others no justification to expect

anything

&om

him.

while t i l l insisting there

was

no deal.

"1

never acruall y

signed

anything, Kato

rold me.

J

never got

paid.

It

is a licrle hard to

figure

out

why he

clid-

n't publish a book, con

sidering how innocu

ous Kato

Gulin:

ih

Whole

Truth

(the un

authorized

version

Eliot

published

without

him)

is,

until you remember

how much

Karo's

life

has changed in the

rime that elapsed be-

Kato 's

father

thought he needed

to

find

some

profession

,

some

trade

You don't expect a

boy to prO(ect you the

way you would a man.

You don't expect a

joker to sraod behind

yo u in tragedy.

When it comes ro

tl:iends, maybe you get

what you pay

foL

In

times before ours,

every

noble household

had jrs

jester.

Thac

was

Kato

Kaelin

's

role

in the

Simpson households

tO

provide comic re

li

ef-an

d it is a role

recurr

in

g frequently

something other

than 'Class

Clown to

put

on

his resume.

tween the pitch and the publication. Karos

dance card

s

much

fuller

roday. What

looked

like a great financial opportunity at the time

doesn't lookso good now thathe knows he

can make money in ways more helpntl ro

his career because they arc less directly

exploitative ofhis relarionship with rhe

Simpson family, and rhus less likely to

undersco re his curiosity value.

Says

Kato:

Everything's becoming

very

legitimate for

me now."

I'm nor daiming that

Karo

treated

Eliot

nicely; but why would Eliot, a mere hired

hand, expect Kato to be

ni

ce, a.fi:er what

Karo

did to his friend Nicol

e?

After

all

,

Nicole

Brown

Simpson might very

weU

be

enough in the com

pounds and mansions of

Los Angeles

that

after

Karo's

resrin10ny you could hear peo

pleat dinner parties saying, You know, I

also

have

a

Karo

in my guest house.

During me si.x

days

Karo testified on the

witness smnd, thanks to

the

cameras

imide

the courtroom,

we

got ro

have

one, too.

Shakespeare never inflicted a rragedy

upon

us

without leavening it wim the odd

drunkard, sprite, or

grav

e digger.

And let's

be honest, the gavel-to-gavel courtroom

coverage of the ]. trial seldom

rises ro

that lcvd. On most

days

, the testimony is

dull , just as on most days our lives are. The

one-liners

Katowas crackingon

the

wimcss

sraod wouldn't get a rise out of you i fyou

Menendez brothers inro comic

fodder.

When thousandsof people

were starVing

in Africa, the lare Sam KiJlison joked,

''Why don't theygo where the food is?"

aughed.

fm

nor

a

horrible person

why did

l

think

that was funny?

As much

as

I hare ro admit ic, Kaco

Kaelin

is

far

from being the only person in

America wim a

teensy

lirde attention span

and tendencies gallopiJ1g toward

narcissism.

He s

merely an extreme

case.

Alll want ro do is have some fun and I

have a feeling I'm not the only one, sang

Sh

ery

l

Crow.

She

was

too right.

Within the first three weeks after the

Kato Kaelin

Global Fan Club set up irs

800

number, more than 7,500

calls

poured in.

The truth

is,

the

guy

couldn't

be

selling

him selfifnobodyout there

was

buying.

What better poster child could there be

for a post-baby-boomer generarion thar

believes

you're

likelier ro get life's

rewards

by

bumping your unimproved self into the

right person at the right pany than you are

through hard work? And if there are tril

lions of guys just Like Karo in LA. New

York's

East Village

is

littefed

wid1

the same

number of aging waifs who believe a

pierced

naval

or interesting earrings to be

an excuse for

a

life.

ay

ro

go, Karo

Here's

ro

the man who not only

survived

co

age thirty

six without stjckiog ro

college or a job or

mar

riage

or fatherhood,

he's

thriving because of it. the boy

who

never grew

up. and now

never

has w.

He has turned his pathology into

schtick.

I think

sometimes I'm

acrually coo

sen

si

tive.

lfl

hear whispering,

J think

people

might

be

laughing at

me,

that they think

rm this dweeh, says

Karo.

Okay. So he isn

't going

ro play

Hcnzy IV,

part one or two.

Bur

game-show host, late

night sidekick, video

VJ? All I can say

is i

you don't believe there are enough cable

TV channels out there

for Kato

Kaelin

to


6/6

contri utors

.

amy

p gnozzl

Columnist and writer

Amy Pagnozz.i flew

off o

meet Kato

Kaelin

determined to lindan

explanation fOr his

enormous

popularity-" thought there

h d

to

be

more to

him.

Four

days

in

L.A.

with the Phenomenon left

Pagnozzi feeling uneasy about our culture and

rocally exhausted.

"He

was

excruciatingly

annoy

ing," she says. Imerviewing Karo is like crying

to hold mercury in your hand." Despite her

tiranic

srmggle

to engage

Kato

inadult conver

sation and keep him ar a

professional

&tance

("He kept asking me

i

was

mad at him,''

she

says), PagnOZI ..i finally surrendered

to his

c h i l d i s h n ~

'There

comes

a point

where

you just give up, and you do the

Karo

handshake.

r ~ for

a

comparison,

she's srumped, until suddenly it hits

her:

I

t's Bill Clinton," she says. "They're

on opposite

ends of

he

intellecrual scale,

but rhey both have that Dale

Carnegie-esque l'm-going-ro-make

yo

u-like-me-no-marrer-what quality."

116501238-Elle-Magazine-OJ-Simpson-Trial-Coverage-by-Amy-Pagnozzi.pdf

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