1 TM Elaine Wilson Parenting Specialist Brenda Sheik Home Economist Tammy Fowler Assistant Parenting Specialist.

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Elaine WilsonParentingSpecialist

Brenda SheikHomeEconomist

Tammy FowlerAssistant Parenting Specialist

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Divorce changes a family.

Consider children’s ages and interests when making family decisions.

Lifestyle the child experiences.

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The child’s interests determine appropriate:

• parenting activities• visitation arrangements• explanations of divorce• family lifestyles

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Co-parenting is lifelong.

Stress management techniques strengthens children and the family.

Use support services.

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AGENDA 6:30 pm Registration 6:35 pm Introduction 6:45 pm Positive Aspects of Divorce 7:00 pm Managing Stress 7:20 pm Break 7:30 pm Development and Divorce 8:00 pm Referrals 8:30 pm Attendance

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You will learn:

how to talk about your family lifestylehow to manage stresswise custody and visitationhow to co-parent

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Positive Features of Positive Features of Co-Parenting FamiliesCo-Parenting Families

• Fastest growing family type

• Strong parent-child relationships

• Brothers and sisters close

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Children Learn

home management skills to be cautious about marriage self reliance realistic expectations of adults

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• Maintain routines• Talk about feelings • Delegate• Release tension

Managing Stress

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Grief

• Denial

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Acceptance

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HELPFUL HINTS FROM RESEARCH

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At all ages children need:Predictable, dependable routines.

Attention to abilities and interests.

Parents who communicate.

Friends for support and relaxation.

Help managing fear, stress and anger.

Stable adults.

Reassurance.

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Stages of Divorce

1. Disillusionment - giving up2. Erosion - things get worse3. Detachment - emotional distance4. Physical Separation - moves out5. Mourning - grief, sadness6. Second Adolescence - acting out, wild, crazy7. Resolution - calm, stable, single person

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Children can feel all of the emotions that adults feel.

Abandonment Denial

Disappointment Fear

Guilt Insecure

Rejection Shock

Sense of something terrible.

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Explaining divorce to children

Goal 1 - Still parents

Goal 2 - Mutual decision

Goal 3 - Get help

Goal 4 - Communicate

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Key ConceptsMarriage ends.

Parenthood continues.

Mutual decision.

Brothers and sisters bond.

The divorce is permanent.

Other people can help us.

The divorce was a “grown up” decision.

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Lifelong Process

Changing understanding

Blame

Guilt

Responsibility

Permanent

Accept change

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Infant and ToddlerSecure routine Holding and cuddlingSimple explanations Basic needs

Verbal and physical assurance of love and protection.

Set limits and provide consistent follow through.

Parent needs to seek support from others.

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PreschoolerTell 1-2 weeks before a change.

Parent model.

Predictable, stable routine.

Make few changes.

Introduce necessary changes gradually.

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Preschooler (continued)

Give verbal and physical reassurance.

Avoid unnecessary separation.

Assure child of your return.

Read aloud age appropriate books on family.

Encourage play.

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School-ageTell as soon as possible.Needs sense of family.Do family projects and activities.Stable school and social activities with

parents involved.Reassurance that parents will continue as

parents.Be clear that divorce is permanent.Encourage play and exercise.

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TeenageTell as soon as possible.Allow child time to handle feelings.Structure and routine.Avoid power struggles.Be available.Be clear that divorce is permanent.Encourage physical exercise.Maintain parent role.Maintain adult privacy.

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Arrangements for Being with the Non-custodial Parent

Infant child’s 1-4 hrs 2 x’s per wk routinehome familiar place

Toddler outside 1 day 1 x per wk favorite child’s no overnight objects

home routine

Pre- outside overnight 1 x per wk favoriteschool child’s 1 day objects home

1 week pattern

Age Location Length Min. Freq. Needs

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School- outside weekend 1 x per wk belongings inage child’s to 6 wks each home

home parent involvedpredictable pattern

Teenager outside few min. 1 contact peerschild’s 1 yr or per negotiablehome more week activitiesinside employmentdorm

Age Location Length Min. Freq. Needs

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Infant• within child’s home

• 1-4 hours

• 2 times each week

• no overnights

• regular routine

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Toddler

• outside child’s home• take favorite objects along• entire day• visit at least once a week• no overnights• maintain routine

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Preschooler

• outside child’s home

• take favorite objects along

• overnight to one week

• at least one time each week

• predictable pattern

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School-age

• outside child’s home • one time each week• own belongings in each home• overnight to six weeks• one time each week• predictable pattern• parent involvement in activities

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Teenager• outside child’s home or in dorm room or

apartment• peer relations, activities, employment,

independence, mobility• few minutes to one year or longer • at least weekly contact • negotiable routine

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Developmentally Appropriate Arrangements

More visitation is generally better than less.Children adjust better when parents are not

hostile.Greater distance requires greater effort.Telephone calls, letter, fax and e:mail

supplement time together.Child’s needs take precedence over adults

needs.

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