02-03-1967

Chapel Attendance Regulated

By New IBM Computer " G o d isn't dead , he's merely

gone m o d . " As chape l was resumed for the

second semester this week, a new system of regu la t ing chapel atten-dance was i naugura t ed . IBM c a r d s were distr ibuted a n d reli-g ion at H o p e College "went com-pu te r . "

" i r & A N ATTEMPT to b r i n g legal ism back into the C h u r c h , " expla ined C h a p l a i n Hi l legonds romant ica l ly . " T o o m a n y stu-dents th ink religious worsh ip a pe r sona l af fa i r . They s h o u l d realize that when you go t ta go, it's no t ime to s t ay in b e d , " he added suggest ively.

Under the new system of com-put ing chape l cuts, each s tudent is given a three-digit n u m b e r for each d a y of the week ( co r re spond-ing to the Tr in i ty ) which he must check off on a b e a m of n u m b e r s projected on the wall as he crosses the middle aisle (a Christ s y m b o l ) .

A s tudent fai l ing to m a k e up sleep-ins n u m b e r i n g over three ( symbol i c of the suffer ing s e r v a n t ) will be subjected to a laser b e a m sca ld ing for an entire week (sym-bolizing Tulip Time).

F E A R WAS E X P R E S S E D that since m a n y students went to chapel only to fill the requirement , get t ing in g o o d with the new compu te r would come to be m o r e impor t an t to them t h a n getting in good with God.

In fact, some s tudents were re-ported to be r ead ing dai ly inscrip-

t ions f r o m the Caic III text a n d c ros s ing themselves with their slide rules. F o u r f r e shmen seeking a u n i o n with God were repor ted in f a i r condi t ion fol lowing a severe electrical shock.

The first service of the new sem-ester exhibited the " n e w d ive r s i ty" which the C h a p l a i n h a d p romised to keep the chapel snooze r s awake . L e a d i n g the service was the IBM 6 9 8 model , which led a p r o g r a m -med l i turgy in b a s e three.

ASSISTING I N T H E worsh ip was a cute little 36 -24-36 n u m b e r f r o m the Schenectady p lan t who kicked out to the d r iv ing beat of " G i m m e Tha t Old-Time Reli-g i o n . " " I t ' s compute r a u - g o - g o , " enthused Dr. Folker t .

M a r r i n g the chapel service was a strike b y the chape l slip distri-b u t o r s (better k n o w n as Hille-g o n d ' s G o o n s ) w h o were placed in the r a n k s of the unemployed by the rel igious a u t o m a t i o n .

N o one had d a r e d to cross their picket lines until Dean Van Kenenaam m a r s h a l l e d the A.W.S. judicial b o a r d , a r m e d them with the Book of C o m m o n Praye r a n d sufficient cont rad ic t ions , and l aunched them in a pointed at tack.

DR, H O L L E N B A C H N O T E D u n d e n i a b l y that it was the most c o u r a g e o u s thing he h a d encoun-tered since the incident of the recent draf tee who took f ivecourses f rom Dr. Mueller in one semester .

"All in all, the new system is off to a g o o d s t a r t , " l auded Presi-dent VanderWerf mechanica l ly .

i

3rd Anniversary — Vol. 1 Hope College, Holland, Michigan February 3, 1967

Total Revamp

New Administration Named In a m o v e to p laca te the stu-

dent rioters last week, Hope Col-lege President Dr. Calv in A. Van-derWerf appoin ted an entirely new a n d expanded admin i s t r a t ion .

Said Dr. VanderWerf h a r m o n -iously, " I a m confident that this new g r o u p of men will work to-gether to b r i n g Hope College to

To Finance Master Plan

Hope Will Sell Indulg ences Even before the Master Plan

of Hope College was revealed d u r i n g H o m e c o m i n g weekend, the office of Development had begun to devise ways of f inanc ing the project .

Director of Development Willi-a m Hender has described his pro-posed p l a n as " in t rospec t ive , " l ook ing into the co l l egecommuni -ty for the sources of its growth . He commented , " I know it s o u n d s like we ' re bleeding the s tudents , but the President isn't k idd ing abou t this cutt ing edge bus ines s . "

O N E OF T H E MAJOR obs ta-cles he encountered was determin-ing exact ly how much was to be raised. Mr. Hender sa id , "We knew the initial bu i ld ing cost, its increase per year , and the interest rate on a n y loans , and we realiz-ed that we shou ld increase o u r endowment by the cost of the project , but where do you go f rom there?" With the help of an a d d i n g machine , he proceeded.

He p l a n s to ra ise most of the m o n e y t h r o u g h the sale of indul-gences on Hope ' s c a m p u s . Accord ing to Mr. Hender , not on ly will this se rve to p r o d u c e revenue, but it will a lso " s t r eng -then the Pur i tanical m o r a l i t y we hold d e a r . " Pope William Holy-g o d s will determine the cost of fo rg iveness in each specific case.

A FEW W R I N K L E S must be i roned out , however . "If this is to be a p rof i tab le ope ra t i on , we'll h a v e to find a w a y to become m o r e lax in our discipline poli-cies. But I think we can count on the full coope ra t ion of the stu-den t s , " he said. He est imated that in f rac t ions of college regu la t ions might be increased as much as 5 0 per cent in the next semester.

Mr. Hender did not ant ic ipate a n y theological repercuss ions f r o m the move. "After all, the issue w a s one of the m a j o r s p a r k s of the Reformat ion . Who k n o w s ? M a y b e the Hope College Master

t m m

REVOLTING—Martin Luther VanderWady nails his 95 Theses on the

door of Dimnent Memorial Chapel protesting the Administration's

plans to sell hidugences to finance the Master Plan. Said Martin as

he pounded away, "Ow!" Later he added sedately. (<Here I stand;

I can do no other, save fall in this blasted snow."

Plan will be the impetus to real religious revival in o u r t ime."

HE ALSO N O T E D that the Stu-dent Church , center of rel igious life on c a m p u s , was non-denomi-na t iona l and had not yet com-pleted its de l ibera t ions on doc-trine. "If we p romise them a lot of office space in the new Student Center, I 'm su re they'll h a v e no ob jec t ions ."

In general , Mr. Hender was ex-tremely optimistic. " T h e a lumni will be pleased, I 'm quite s u r e , " he said. " T h e y m a y be a little w a r y abou t the m o r a l implica-tions, but when they realize that they won ' t h a v e to cont r ibute any-thing, they'll d i sp lay that old Dutch p rogres s ive spirit that h a s to be somewhere deep within all of them." He added , " It m a y cause a fu ro r a m o n g faculty, ad-min i s t ra t ion and students, but then who are we t ry ing to please, a n y w a y ? "

T H E PROGRAM S H O U L D be in opera t ion fa i r ly soon. The first indulgences will be sold at a low price as " M e m o r i a l Hope College Indulgences ." Sins for which stu-dents m a y be forg iven are dr ink-ing, cutt ing chapel , fa i l ing r o o m checks, criticizing the Adminis t ra -tion, wa lk ing on c a m p u s lawns , p a r k i n g in faculty p a r k i n g lots, s m o k i n g in the Kletz, gett ing an A- f rom Dr. Peters, regis ter ing late, w o r k i n g on the a n c h o r , fail-ing to smile back at Gene Pear-son and rush ing Centur ian .

Mr. Hender was asked a b o u t the deficit incurred merely f r o m the ope ra t ing expenses of this aca-demic year . " T h a t ' s a s i tua t ion Jhat must be dealt wi th ," he sa id , " b u t we will sell e n o u g h indul-gences in connect ion with it that it will p r o b a b l y take ca re of it-self."

THIS WAS NOT the only p l a n for ra i s ing the unde te rmined sum of $10 mill ion plus $ 1 0 mil l ion plus $5 mill ion. P r e p a r a t i o n s a re now being m a d e for ho ld ing pi-geon races in the Pine Grove for which s tudents would p a y a n ad-miss ion fee. "We'l l h a v e to h u r r y this o n e , " sa id Mr. Hender . "We ' re los ing o u r resources fast. We could sell the meat , t hough , cou ldn ' t we?" He a l so repor ted that the Admin is t ra t ive Council is deliber-a t ing ove r the possibi l i ty of off-c a m p u s betting.

the cutt ing edge of Amer ican edu-cation. They will certainly s tr ive to m a k e this College both a com-muni ty of s cho la r s and a l a b o r a -tory of l e a r n i n g . "

SECOND IN COMMANDinthe new a d m i n i s t r a t i o n will be Dr. W^erfin V a n d e r C a l v i n who h a s as-sumed the crucial post of Dean of Affairs. Dean V a n d e r C a l v i n re-ceived his A. B. f r o m Hope and his Ph.D. in chemis t ry f rom Ohio State.

President VanderWerf a n n o u n c -ed that A.C. Werf inCalvin would become the new t reasurer of the College, effective immedia te ly . Clar i fy ing that somewhat , Presi-dent VanderWerf said a m b i g u o u s -ly, "Wha t I m e a n is that in o r d e r for us to be a c o m m u n i t y of scho la rs his appo in tmen t is effec-tive immedia te ly . Whether he is effective immedia te ly is some th ing else a g a i n . "

To the post of Director of Bus-iness Affairs President V a n d e r Werf a n n o u n c e d that the reknown-ed economist , Dr. V a n d e r Calvin Werf, had left his post in the Gov-ernment to t ake the posi t ion. Pres-ident VanderWerf denied the r u m o r that the Director of Busi-ness Affairs was respons ib le for af fa i rs in the Business Office; rath-er. Dr. V a n d e r C a l v i n will direct the business of the College, he expla ined.

"IT'S Q U I T E A t a s k , " said President VanderWerf forcefully, "bu t with Dr. V a n d e r C a l v i n ' s out-s t and ing record as an u n d e r g r a d -uate at Hope a n d with his Ph.D. in chemistry f r o m Ohio State, I'm confident that we'll be able to work together to b r i n g Hope College to the cutt ing edge of Amer ican educat ion. We will certainly strive to m a k e this College bo th a com-munity of s c h o l a r s and a labor -a tory of l e a r n i n g . "

President VanderWerf a l so an-nounced h a d y n l y the creat ion of a new posi t ion. Director of De-velopment . Dr. V a n VanWerf will come to this posi t ion with a "weal th of exper ience," sa id Pres-ident VanderWerf richly. Dr. Van Werf received his A. B. f r o m Hope a n d his Ph.D. in chemis t ry from Ohio State. Since then he has spent all of his time in chemical research.

"WE'RE GOING TO m a k e this college b i g g e r , " sa id the new Di-rector of Development expansive-ly. "We need development in all a r ea s of c a m p u s life to b r i n g Hope to the cutt ing edge of American educa t ion , pa r t i cu l a r ly in the area of social ac i t iv i ty ." He mentioned p lans for s tack ing t h e c a m p u s with m o r e women .

President VanderWerf included in his appoin tees V i n V a n D e r w h o will take over as Director of Pub-lic Relations. Mr. VanDer is na-t ional ly f a m o u s for his essays which h a v e m a d e c h e m i s t r y avail-able to t h e l a y m a n , such as, " Bless Be the Bonds Tha t Tie."

"If there 's a n y o n e who can tell the world of Hope ' s prest ige as a l a b o r a t o r y of l ea rn ing , refined by the fire of a bunsen burne r , it's Mr. V a n D e r , " sa id President Van derWerf heatedly.

The new admin i s t r a t i on issued this joint s ta tement as his first official act: "We ' re all go ing to work together real h a r d to make this College a r r i ve at the cutting edge of Amer ican educat ion. If eve ryone is nice and g o o d , we'll have a c o m m u n i t y of scho la rs and a l a b o r a t o r y of l e a rn ing once. But we need eve ryone ' s help."

The a p p o i n t m e n t s were greeted with u n a n i m o u s s u p p o r t f rom the student b o d y . One s tudent observ-ed spac ious ly , "At least Dad will h a v e m o r e offices n o w . "

Hope Announces Third Centennial Homecoming

Due to a su rp lus of c a m p u s pacs, H o p e College will ho ld its third centennial h o m e c o m i n g on Wednesday night of next week. C h a i r m a n of the festival H u m b e r t H u m b u g stated the reason : " D o n ' t no kids used d e o d o r a n t in dis p lace ," he sa id sour ly .

The centennial will be highlight-ed by the comedy team of Hope and Van Gronknor t se l in which Bob H o p e ( w h o will m a k e this one) will p l a y an Amer ican sol-dier and Miss Van Gronknor t se l a Sa igon Ba r Girl in their own version of a 20 th century mora l i -ty p lay .

Other events will include the con-struction of a g ian t centennial me-dal l ion on the side of the H o l l a n d Windmill. Inscr ibed on the g iant , copper -a l loyed s y m b o l will be a f lying D u t c h m a n r is ing f r o m his own ashes with Picasso 's "Guer -n i c a " in the b a c k g r o u n d . Philip

Holmes will i m p e r s o n a t e Picasso. A dance , f e a t u r i n g the New York

Pro Musica, will be danced in the Development Offices of V a n Raalte a n d will be pres ided over b y Queen Wilma B o u m a n and her court of Mother -Houses . Queen Bou-m a n expos tu la ted : "Development-wise I 'm expans ive ly h a p p y and hope that this dance will suffi-ciently express to o u r c a m p u s a n d m a n y of f -campus f r iends in down-town Ho l l and o u r redoubled interest in mental , spir i tual , and phys ica l g r o w t h . "

The whole g a u d y a f fa i r will be c l imaxed by a d y n a m i t e explo-s ion p l a n n e d in o r d e r to demolish the two houses in b a c k of Gil-more , Voorhees Hall , downtown Hol land , a n d 4 0 0 un-used c a m p u s packs . The theme of the exp los ion a n d the weekend is " Ed-uca t ion for Useless Leade r sh ip . "

1 This is a hoof note.

f

f.

Hope College ranchor February 3, 1967

'That's a Real Problem

Senate Probes Pigeon Problem RLC Breaks Down;

Abolishes Daily Chapel Meeting in the Little Theater in

conjunct ion with Prof. George Ralph's s emina r in the Theater of the Absurd , the Hope College Student Senate held its ninetieth trivial meeting of the year last Monday .

PRESIDENT P E A R S O N an nounced that all the un impor t an t business would be taken care of at the beginning, and s t r a igh tway called for Lynn Koop to open with p raye r .

The first item of business was the pigeon problem. President Pearson sa id airily, " T h i s thing has been up in the a i r for some time now, and let's get down to earth immedia te ly . " Chap la in William Hil legonds, in a t tendance as an observer at his eighth meet-ing that evening, rose and stated that he wished to retract his ear-lier statement that the pigeons were " the result of a collusion of Republican b a n k e r s . "

"NOBODY KNOWS the t rouble I've seen since 1 said t ha t , " he crooned. " I can ' t even get a loan offering my file of se rmons as col lateral ." President Pearson re-sponded, " T h a t ' s a real pro-blem."

Senator Steve Lark in suggested that the pigeons be given a pic-nic supper in the Pine CIrove, spon-sored by Slater. "If that doesn' t stop those d a r n b i rds f rom dirty-ing up everything, no th ing will," he said mildly. Reflecting a bit, he added, "Wait! Maybe that'll only m a k e things worse ."

Dick Kooi , who had been mak-

ing v a r i o u s unidentif iable noises for some time, was finally recog-nized. He offered a correction in the minutes and moved the cor-rection. Lynn Wyman burst into tears. " I can ' t be right all the t ime," she wailed. Pearson, try-ing va l ian t ly to restore order , ba r red Kooi f rom the meeting. " N o w that we've got one of the dissenters out of here we can get down to bus iness ," he said.

JIM S U T H E R L A N D , who was also a t tending the meeting as an observer , suggested that the jani-tors t r ap all the pigeons. " T h e n we'll collect all the food we can and have a Hope College Pigeon Lift for the Starving Millions in India. .lust to give it a little Madi-son Avenue lilt we'll call it HCPLSM I."

Since no one unders tood Suther-l and ' s gut tura l mutter ing. Senator Glenn Pontier moved that the pro-posal be adopted. Hob T h o m p s o n inquired what the possibility was for ob ta in ing diplomatic immu-nity for the pigeons when they fly over Hanoi . At this point Bob Donia burped .

Pearson rulled Donia out of order a n d called for a vote. Since no mot ion had been made , this was seen as a political move. Jerry Poor t inga in a more phi losophic f r ame of mind asked, "Where are we g o i n g ? " President Pearson re-sponded , " T h a t ' s no t theques t ion . The quest ion is where the pigeons are g o i n g . " And then he smiled.

T H E HOPE COLLEGE cheer-leaders crashed the meeting, car-

ry ing a huge o r a n g e H and shout-ing, " B e a t Calvin! Beat Calv in!" Pearson smiled tolerantly at the girls and said they h a d a right to s tay, but then lost his temper and bellowed, "But get the H out of here!"

Order t emporar i ly restored, Pearson smiled and said, " T h i s is a real p rob l em." Dave Allen moved that the President 's report be accepted. La rk in rose and said, " I n view of the chal lenge which has been presented by our astute representative f rom the missions committee of the Student ( hurch and given the ideals of Hope Col-lege and t ak ing cognizance of a lot other things. . . let's see. . . I think I will have to be excused for a m o m e n t . "

PEARSON AGREED and Lar-kin rushed f rom the Theater . Pear-son smiled. Lynn K o o p blushed.

Don F a r m e r moved that propo-sal NCPLSM1 be accepted as a solution to the pigeon problem, now being called "Opera t ion PP." Pearson called for ayes and nays . Everyone looked puzzled. Pear-son smiled. Then he said , "Motion ca r r i ed . "

SENATOR L A R K I N entered the Theater a g a i n and sat down. He smiled. Then he motioned for ad jou rnmen t . Pearson sighed with relief and smiled. Then everyone left.

By Monkey Do

The Religious Life Committee h a s under t aken a complete ex-amina t i on of worship on Hope ' s c ampus . Because of the "poten-tially explos ive" na tu re of the subject, the anchor reporter cov-er ing the meeting was asked to observe respons ib ly so " the mem-bers could speak freely."

" E v e r y o n e wants to express an intelligent, p o p u l a r a t t i tude , "sa id one observer , to which the re-por te r replied, " S o who 's stop-ping them?"

T H E DISCUSSION began with an a p p r a i s a l of the form of wor-ship used. It was suggested that the use of music in services was "no t in keeping with the main-s t ream of Protestant Christ iani-ty . "

Russ DeVette chimed in agree-ment, observ ing that m a n y h y m n s are merely resettings of medieval G e r m a n d r ink ing songs , and that their pe r fo rmance is therefore in-consistent with the college drink-ing policy.

Oppos ing him was J ames Tal-lis who, after refuting these ideas, sa id , "What a way to lose a j ob ! " Dr. Ronald Beery concurred with Mr. Tallis in theory but added

Le Loi Pigeons Will Be Target of HHH Funds

Plans for Student Center

Will Be Completed - Maybe

Transfer of $24 .67 of the $6 ,000 accumulated in the Hope-Hol land-Hamlet dr ive last Febru-ary to aid the vil lage of Le Loi in South Vietnam "seems to be imminent with no fur ther obsta-cles," accord ing to Wres Michael-son, coord ina to i of the project.

The money will be used under the direction of Rev. William Hil-legonds in an attempt to eradi-cate the ove rpopu la t ion of pig-eons, whose nests and leavings have been c logging the gutters of huts and outhouses in the vil-lage.

Now reluctantly consigned to the more-distant future is the new p r i m a r y school, delayed by the fear that the tin-cans shipped by ARA Slater as construct ion ma-terial might be relegated to the

South Vietnamese black market , where there is a great demand for cheap steel for use in guns and a i rcraf t . On his trip to South Vietnam last summer , Jeff Pow-ell had occasion to quest ion Gen-eral Westmoreland on this dan-ger. " I ' d like to get my h a n d s on some of it myself ," he said, cannily.

Other projects in the immediate future include a three-story spiral fire-escape for the p roposed pri-m a r y school (S5 .68) ; a 1600-lb. anchor ( $ 6 ^ 3 6 ) ; a shipment of wooden shoes, each conta in ing a planted tulip bulb ($865 .50 ) ; and an expense-paid trip to the village for Mr. Duffield Wade, M a n a g e r of the Blue Key Book Store, who will dedicate the gifts.

"We're go ing to have a Stu-dent Center so fast it'll make your heads swim," said President Cal-vin VanderWerf some three years ago.

One college official, who as he sc rambled to his office in the chap-el basement , preferred to remain a n o n y m o u s b lamed the slow-down on " a collusion of a g r o u p of Republican b a n k e r s in town."

ADMINISTRATORS EMPHA-SIZED that this was a Student-Centered Student Center. " T h e most va luab le asset we have here at Hope is our fantast ic student b o d y , " said one oft-quoted Ad-minis t ra tor . " C o m e to think of it, as of last week it's our only asset ."

Plans to construct the Center inched ahead as a joint commit-tee of students, faculty. Admin-is t ra tors and Republican bank-ers meet a lmost da i ly over cof-fee and stale Kletz rolls. Plans

for the m a m m o t h $2 million s tructure a re now almost com-pleted and will be sent to the architect; the only r ema in ing problem is acqui r ing the other $ 1 , 9 8 4 , 0 0 0 left after a success-ful dr ive conducted by s tudents disguised as Adminis t ra tors . The a p p r o p r i a t e authori t ies termed this " a minor technical i ty" de-pending only on the success of a fund dr ive a m o n g always-loy-al a n d ever-generous church folk. " A million here, a million there, it all adds u p , " said one Ad-minis t ra tor calculat ingly.

One faculty member , after look-ing at the p lans , p ronounced the new Center " to ta l ly unnecessa ry . " He has since been banished and is now a full professor at Har-v a r d Universi ty.

that the type of music presented ough t to be modif ied.

SUGGESTING T H A T this was merely an i l lustrat ion of the col-lege's conse rva t i sm which he h a s long at tacked, he expressed a de-sire to u p d a t e the music depar t -ment ' s repertoire to include the newest electronic music, with which he is fami l iar . The idea was met with a p p r o v a l but was tabled until J o h n Cage ' s visit to the c a m p u s in the spr ing .

At this point . C h a p l a i n William Hil legonds interrupted the meet-ing and interjected the idea that ho ld ing the Student Church wor-ship services on S u n d a y morn-ing was a viola t ion of the Sab-bath .

" S u n d a y should be a d a y dif-ferent and set a p a r t f r o m the oth-er days of the week. Wfe have chapel services five d a y s a week. If we worsh ip on S u n d a y , it will be just like a n y other d a y . " He suggested that s tudents be en-cou raged to s tudy in the l i b r a ry on S u n d a y evenings. " T h a t will be a switch," he said gleefully.

T H E COMMITTEE MEM-BERS were hesitant a b o u t the idea, but could not logical ly re-fute it. Priscilla Inkpen, a stu-dent member , added , "Often the qual i ty of the speakers p r o m o t e s student absenteeism and des t roys the college c o m m u n i t y . "

It became a p p a r e n t that a choice between S u n d a y worsh ip a n d m o r n i n g chapel must be made . One faction of the committee fav-ored p rese rv ing S u n d a y services because " they are a t rad i t ion on c a m p u s which must be preserved if we a re to cont inue in the pur-suit of academic excellence." Many others, however, felt that m o r n i n g chapel should r ema in because " o n e class isn't e n o u g h to keep me b u s y . "

FOR A TIME it seemed that the meeting would end in a stale-mate. However, Dr. Brink took a s tand in f a v o r of a b o l i s h i n g m o r n i n g chapel , and threa tened to use chemical w a r f a r e to im-plement his p lans . In o rde r to prevent him f rom " e n d a n g e r i n g his i m m o r t a l s o u l , " the com-mittee voted to abol i sh m o r n i n g chapel.

%

Administration Probes •Ion ma I is tic Masterpiece

What Sort of Man Reads the ranchor? " U n l i m i t e d N o n c h a l a n c e " — T h a i bne l

phrase descr ibes (his happy-go-lucky, care-

Iree B M O C . He ' s o m of the many t h o u s a n d s

that rush each week to pick u p his r a n c h o r ,

for as Mugsy h imsel t pu t s it, " I ' d be n o t h i n g

socially if it weren ' t lor the r a n c h o r . " T h i s

a t h ' t e - turned-scholar has had m a n y love af-

fairs t h r o u g h the r a n c h o r pen pal p r o g r a m ,

and even mei his br ide- to-be Zelda Skagfang

when he t r ied to e a t a typewri te r in the

r a n c h o r office. Said Mugsy. " M e a n d Zelda

arc awtul happy hut I can ' t get r id of my

h e a r t b u r n oi m \ cowlick. Zelda 's going to

h e l p uk a l o n g once t h o u g h . " Mugsy is mi ld

ly u n p o p u l a i w i th even his best f r i ends , but

r ead ing the r ancho r lias pu l l ed h i m t h r o u g h

It 's m a d e me a whole rnan ," he p u r r e d ,

Mugs \ a t t r i b u t e d the i m p r o v e m e n t in his

c o m p l e x i o n to r e a d i n g the r a n c h o r . "Dai ly

facial a p p l i c a t i o n with i ancho r s : /AT, likt

like magic!" he e n t h u s e d . " A n d of course 1

shave with O c c a m ' s r a / o i , " he said cu t t iug lv .

By C. Fortune Beutell

The Associated Collegiate Press h a s awarded its highest recogni-tion for responsible j ou rna l i sm to the Hope College anchor, ac-cord ing to word received last Tuesday . The admin is t ra t ion im-mediately called for an investiga-tion.

The a n c h o r was described by the ACP as " a n educat ion to r e a d , " a n d the ACP added accur-ately, "Altogether an excellent job . Your p a p e r is distinctive."

An admin i s t ra t ive s p o k e s m a n described the anchor as " a n ir-responsible pile of t rash edited by a g r o u p of d isenfranchised, cynical s tudents guilty of f l ag ran t c a m p u s absenteeism. Its tone is entirely nega t ive . "

The anchor received supe r io r ra t ings for its editorials, features, and news ana lys i s stories. The ACP j u d g e sa id , " Y o u r accuracy and sc rupu lous journal is t ic ethics

are epitomes for collegiate j ou rn -alism eve rywhere . "

In cal l ing for the inves t igat ion, the admin i s t r a t i on cited as reasons for the year ly ri tual the a n c h o r ' s " l ibe lous a t tacks aga ins t dea r fr iends of Hope College and the total ethical and m o r a l de-p rav i ty which h a s infected the entire s ta f f . "

Said the a n c h o r edi tor grace-fully, "At least I'll admi t I 'm a Calvinist . Besides, whose s t a f f a r e they ta lk ing a b o u t ? "

The Zeeland Recorder, which prints the e ight -page Hope Col-lege weekly, came in for p r a i s e as well f r o m the ACP. The judges g a v e the anchor "excel len t" rat-ings for its t y p o g r a p h y , p r in t ing , a n d reproduc t ion of pictures.

The admin i s t r a t ion c h a r g e d that picture reproduc t ion in the anchor was " l e w d . " " S o m e t h i n g ' s got to be d o n e , " the s p o k e s m a n concluded.

"o u m m m m M m m m t t m u m m

THIS IS A

FREE TICKET It's not good for anything

IT'S JUST FREE

Compliments o / T H E GREAT SOCIETY

February 3, 1967 Hope College ranchor Page S

Must Pass to Graduate

Sr. Comprehensives Revealed

FLYING DUTCHMAN—Pictured above is the new mascot of Hope

College, chosen because it aptly illustrates the spirit and essence of

the college. Big Dutch dropped to the field at half-time of a football

game and has been seen leading cheers at subsequent athletic events.

This year , for the first time, Senior Comprehens ive E x a m i n a -t ions will be required of all those who wish to g radua te . The fol-lowing list of sample quest ions was submitted by a panel of fac-ulty:

Part I. Short Answer. 1. Why? Expla in . 2. Can you expla in the essence

of Aristotle's political ph i lo sophy? Why not?

3. Do you know who Talley-rand was? Is your life happ i e r and more meaningful now that you know?

4. If T r o o p Ship A conta ins 15,000 t roops , Ship B con ta ins 12,000 t roops , and T r o o p Ship C contains 8 ,000 t roops, what the devil is the U.S. do ing in Vietnam?

5. Most people now alive will be dead in 70 years . Does that m a k e you feel more secure in the light of recent world events?

6. Cather ine the Great had 22 known lovers. Imagine you are

A Total Success

Voorhees Fire Escape Revitalized This week, for the first t ime in

more than 30 years , the Dean of Women and AWS s taged an his-toric fire drill in Voorhees Hall. The drill high-lighted the un ique fire-escape at the south side of the building.

The fire-escape is sa id to be the only one of its kind in the wor ld , combin ing the a d v a n t a g e s of a rapid exit in case of fire with a fool-proof locking system, pre-venting coeds f rom escape in the night.

T H E D E S I G N WAS submit ted by a Dutch I m m i g r a n t S a n i t a r y Engineer in 1898, built f r o m dis-carded ARA Slater tin cans over a 15-year per iod , a n d completed

in 1923, at a cost of $5 .68 . Its fi^st test drill in 1936 was a

complete success, acco rd ing to the then d e a n of women, Miss Vir-ginella v a n P r o o d s m a . " N o t a one e scaped , " she is reported to have said , capt iva t ingly .

After a full week of p r epa ra t i on , the gi r ls of Voorhees were ready for the third historic fire-drill Tues-day night. The ce remony was touched off by a cannon-b las t f rom the Pine Grove by the Direc-tor of C a m o u s Opinion, Rev. Wil-liam Hillegonds, which was answered by the K.A.s of Voorhees, clad in World War I fire suits ( refashioned by Given-chy), a n d r ing ing cowbells.

ranchor Awards Assembly Honors Students, Faculty

By Monkey See Last n ight ' s r a n c h o r a w a r d s

assembly w a s highl ighted by the presenta t ion of coveted a w a r d s to deserv ing facul ty and students.

The HOPE A w a r d was present-ed to Dr. Luther V. E r a s m u s for his unst int ing l a b o r on behalf of the College and its reputa t ion . Cited as " represen ta t ive of the e n t i r e f a c u l t y , " Dr. E r a s m u s blushed app rop r i a t e ly and mod-estly mumbled , "Jo l ly good show, old boys; I knew you 'd put the right horse before the cart and all that s tuff ."

The r a n c h o r ' s Admin i s t r a to r of the Year a w a r d went to Hope ' s J a n i t o r - a t - L a r g e Fritz Van B r o o m s m a for his largely expan-sive presence in v a r i o u s a n d sun-dry nooks and c rann ies in the widespread hur ly-bur ly of cy-clonic adminis t ra t ing . " I think it was a job well d o n e , " he said in Dutch dialect.

The GIDOF (God Is Dead On F r i d a y ) Award was presented to Hope Coed Elsie Van Piesma for fail ing to miss chapel for an entire semester. " How else would I h a v e straight A 's?" she queried. " Hope conquers all. . . doesn ' t it?"

The r a n c h o r Rebel Award for

1967 was given to Prudence Van Virg ins t ra for her lie-in on the Durfee roof protes t ing h a z a r d o u s fire condit ions in Kollen Park. " I t ' s just too hot an issue to han-dle t h r o u g h p rope r channe l s , " she quipped.

The r a n c h o r presented the Fra-ternal Society with their annua l Service Award for "mer i to r ious service above and beyond the call of footba l l . " The Fra te r s earn-ed this award by wiping out the inner city slum of South Grand Rapids dur ing a recent all-frater-nity visit. " I t was jus ' gonna be a J O K E , " their president ob-served.

The Zelda S k a g f a n g Subversive Award for j o u r n a l i s m was pre-sented to Senate secretary Lynn W y m a n for her cutting satire in the Senate minutes. " I think the a w a r d is both h u m o r o u s and com-plete," she commented defen-sively.

George Wallace received the Al-ger Hiss Memor ia l Award for h a v i n g the most a p p r o p r i a t e n a m e of any college public rela-tions m a n in the country . " I wouldn ' t let the fire m a r s h a l up the V a n Raalte s teps ," he stead-fastly declared.

THE STUDENT CHURCH

WORSHIPS

Wednesday, February 8

(Ash Wednesday, during the Calvin Game) Nationally Known Rev. Fritx VanDogma, Preaching

Pastor, Graafchaap Evangelical Reformed Church

SUBJECT: (<And Esau Was an Hairy Man" Offertory Anthem: T m a Believer'' by the Righteous Brothers

Assisting in the service will be members of the Knickerbocker Fraternity Hillegonds' Goons will usher

AT T H E O P E N I N G s h o t , Voor-hees Housemother Gertrude Van Nicema ignited the ceremonial fire in the fireplace, and a chorus of f reshmen, rehearsed du r ing the previous week by Roger ( " R a g e r " ) Davis of the Music De-par tment , screamed.

The R.A.s led the order ly cha rge to the third-f loor entrance to the fire-escape c h a m b e r , while Mrs. Van Nicema awaited outside the exit of the spiral slide. As the last of the R.A.s emerged, she stepped fo rward , and , with a cry of "Spe ra in Deo," locked the door .

The R.A.s immediately formed a co rdon a r o u n d the fire-escape chamber , while the Hol land fire depar tment a imed its hoses at the door . The girls of Voorhees, with the aid of a newly-developed f r ic t ion-proof ing treatment coat-ing the spiral slide, were said to have reached a terminal velocity in excess of 180 miles per hour .

T H E A C T U A L V E L O C I T Y , however, can only be estimated, in the absence of su rv iv ing wit-nesses. The R.A.s were aided in the slide by special b r a k i n g p a r a -chutes, but Mrs. Van Nicema grieved for the rest. "Such a speed would indeed have been ter-mina l , " she said , gravely .

The drill was termed by tne AWS a " to ta l success ," but wide-spread r u m o r has it that one coed, alleg-edly Miss Zelda S k a g f a n g , escaped into the Hope College u n d e r g r o u n d and has been lost.

Catherine. Would do rmi to ry h o u r s be a restriction on y o u r activities?

7. Is sin really as bad as every-one s ays it is? Is it as much fun as everyone c la ims?

8. Explicate the following poem: My father b roke my red ba l loon Wfhen he came home f rom the sa-loon. Make liberal use of Christ-sym-

bols, al l i teration, o n o m o n o p o e a and other useless p a r a p h e n a l i a of academic terminology.

9. Write all the good things you can think of abou t L y n d o n John-son in the following space .

10. After four years at Hope College, do you know the mean-ing of sex? Do you think you might l ea rn it in g r a d u a t e school?

11. Educa t ion is supposed to teach you how to make decisions more intelligently. Should mem-bers of the Adminis t ra t ion be re-quired to attend classes like every-one else?

Part II. Multiple Choice

1. If you could choose one a rea of the world to wipe off the m a p , which one would you choose?

a. The Syr ian-Isreal i Border b. Vietnam c. Peking d. South G r a n d Rapids

2. The reason for chapel is: a. To open your eyes in the

morn ing . b. To give you 20 minutes to

shut them aga in c. To give everyone a chance to

check out the f reshmen girls d. To let f reshmen girls waltz to

the f ront of chapel to be check-ed out

e. It's great PR for the church.

3. The guy who invented this yea r ' s registrat ion process is:

a. Crazy b. Badly confused c. Hav ing a rough time at home d. Dean Mathis e. All of these

4. The fr iends of Charles De Gaulle a re

1. 1 and 2 2. 3 only 3. 2 only 4. None of these

5. The Golden Fleece was: 1. A cover for a bookie joint 2. A l amb with yellow wool 3. A $100 increase in tuition at

Plato 's a cademy 4. The Blue Key Book Store 6. Ca r A and C a r B are ap-

p r o a c h i n g each other in a s t ra ight line. If Car A is t ravel ing at 85 m.p.h. and ca r B is t ravel ing at 60 m.p.h. , what would you do if you were d r iv ing car A?

1. 145 m.p .h . 2. 25 m.p.h. 3. The quest ion is ridiculous;

it has to be computed in fur-longs per fortnight.

4. Swerve like heck

7. The Senior Bible Requirement is based on the belief that:

1. This is our last shot at the cocky, g r a d u a t i n g heathens

2. H a v i n g undergone four years of good Chris t ian t ra ining,

they need a good nightcap be-fore going into the world.

3. The "Perseverance of the Sa in t s" is assisted by a bit

of last-minute indoctr inat ion on the side.

4. N o b o d y m a j o r s in Religion anymore , and profs in the Department have to teach

something besides Old and New Testament.

8. The Declarat ion of Indepen-dence was:

1. A love-letter to King George 2. T h o m a s Jefferson's RSVP to

the Boston Tea Party 3. A take-off on the Magna Car ta 4. A newspaper that folded after

the first issue

Part I I I . Math. 1. If X equals 17, Y equals 39

and Z equals 9, what ' s the prob-lem?

2. Suppos ing Melvin Schnurd invests $12 ,000 in a new grocery business. If he sells twice as much h a m b u r g as steak, more b read than potatoes, and three times more pars ley than head lettuce, what kind of ne ighborhood is his store in, a n y w a y ? Why does Mel-vin keep his crackers in boxes in-stead of a ba r re l?

3. Suppos ing Mr. H and Mr. L split up one acre of land between them. If you look at this l and f rom the South, which par t belongs to Mr. H? Is the other par t L's half acre?

Part IV. Essay.

Write a book review of any three of the following books . Which would you expect to have the few-est number of pages?

1. " M y Fr iends ," by Charles De Gaulle

2. " F a m o u s Dutch P l ayboys"

3. " M y Years in the White House , " by Bar ry Gold-water

4. " F a m o u s Italian War Her-oes"

5. "St ruc ture and Order at Hope College"

6. " H o w to Raise Ten Million," by W'illiam Hender

7. " T h e Emancipa t ion of Wom-en ," by Mrs. Isla Van Een-a n a a m

8. " T h e Sabba th was Made for M a n , " by William Hillegonds

9. " A List of My Students ," by Robert Peters

10. " H o w to Make the Summer Swing," by Philip Van Eyl

2. Explicate the following phrase : "We need to move Hope College to the cutting edge of the communi ty of scholars in this l a b o r a t o r y of l ea rn ing . " Is jar-gon a problem at Hope College? How about cliche's?

Occam's Razors Are you at the cutting edge of your education? Slice your face to ribbons with one of these new, improved Occam's razors. Be the first in your community of schol-ars to wear the battle scars of the pursuit of excellence.

^ B 4 Sold exclusively in the Laboratory of PRICE: Only one thin sawbuck. learning. Third floor. Science Building.

February 3, 1967 Hope College ranchor

Mystic Morning Decision-Maker

®i

Why depend on a groggy mind to make your decisions in the wee

hours of the morning when the alarm clock rudely awakens you

from slumber? Follow these simple instructions and construct your

own mystic morning decision maker: 1. Paste this paper to heavy cardboard. Your high school diploma

will do nicely. 2. Cut out the two parts carefully. 3. Pierce pointer with a pin at A and attach to dial at center

point B. 4. Secure used bubble gum or other suitable weight to point D.

5. Hang completed decision maker on bed post from loop C. 6. When alarm clock rings, spin pointer and allow instrument

to indicate next course of action. 7. Your fate will unerringly be controlled by the mystic forces

of the heavenly spheres.

ranchor editorial

Coming Events Friday, Feb. 3

Administrative Council meeting. 2;05 p.m., Presidents ' Room.

Secret Raid and Confiscation of all ranchors, 2:10 p.m.

Bonfire, Pine Grove, 8 p.m. Presidential Address; "Freedom

of the Press at Church-Related Col-leges" by President Calvin A. Van-derWerf, Dimnent Memorial Chap-el, 9 p.m. (Cancelled)

Centurian Lit Meeting, Wing 2-A Telephone Booth.

Arcadian L i t Meeting, Skiles South.

Knick Lit Meeting, Yellow Jacket . Pra te r Lit Meeting, The Pub. A-Phi-0 Lit Meeting. Fraternal

Hall Basement. Joint Emmie-Cosmo Lit Meeting,

Archives, Van Zoeren Library.

Saturday, Feb. 4 Basketball. Dutch Classic Touma-

COLUOI

ranchor

O n r L o w E s t a t e

ment, Netherlands Museum, 6:30 p.m.

All-College Social Night; Light Bulb Burning-out Ceremony. Stu-dent Union, 8 p.m.

Women's Curfew; 8:30 p.m. Men's Curfew: 8:35 p.m.

Sunday, Feb. 5

Student Church Service: Chaplain William Hillegonds, preaching; "Hope and Its Students: 'Honor thy father and thy mother; ' " Chapel. 10:45 a.m.

Van Zoeren Library closed.

Monday, Feb. 6

Faculty Meeting, Banks of the Black River, 6:30 p.m.

Recital: Duet by William Hender and George Wallace, "Carry Me Back to Old Virginny ; " Snow Audi-torium, 8 p.m.

DURING T H E PAST FEW MONTHS A s i t ua t ion has ar isen which we find to be

d i s t u r b i n g to say the least. T h i s s i tua-

t ion has no t a r i sen ex nihilo b u t has its roo t s

d e e p in t h e h u m a n psyches of everyone of us

mor t a l m e n . T h e r e are some w h o are c o n t e n t

in the i r pess imism to wr i t e it all off as a n o t h e r

m a n i f e s t a t i o n of the to ta l dep rav i ty of m a n

and leave it go at tha t . However , we b e i n g of

a more op t imi s t i c f r a m e of m i n d are n o t in-

suited by the cal lousness of cynicism; sensi t ive

to every cry ing h u m a n need , we are c o m p e l l e d

to speak o u t aga ins t rhis d e p l o r a b l e s i t u a t i o n .

Howeve r , s p e a k i n g out is not a lways as

easv as ro l l ing off a log. T h e r e are t imes w h e n

one ver i tab ly e n d a n g e r s his very l ive l ihood by

m a r c h i n g to a d i f f e r en t tunc . O u r spir i ts a rc

o f t en wi l l ing to t raverse such a road t h r o u g h

this vale of tears, bu t o u r flesh is weak. W e

find we c a n n o t stick o u r courage to the screw-

ing po in t , and in the e n d we are c o n f r o n t e d

with the rea l iza t ion t ha t we have left u n d o n e

that which we o u g h t to have d o n e . A n d

t h r o u g h o u t it all, the s i t ua t ion remains , breed-

ing a n d inf l ic t ing m o r e evil t h a n in its em-

bryon ic stages.

WE W H O A R E S E N S I T I V E s t and

apa r t , shocked how bl i the ly p e o p l e

roll d o w n the road of c o n f o r m i t y , all

the r o u g h , d i s t inc t ive edges of the i r person-

hood h o n e d a n d s m o o t h e d by the e n g u l f i n g

a n o n y m o u s forces wh ich th rea t en to m a k e all

of us i n t o n u m b e r s . As we see it, t h ings have

gone f r o m bad to worse, a n d this t h o r n in

ou r flesh, this b a n e of ou r exis tence is slight-

ed a n d ignored . W h e n peop le are at sixes a n d

sevens a n d w h e n k i th is set agains t k in , we

can n o longer sit on the s idel ines, secure in

ou r safety. For the fact of the m a t t e r is tha t

if this s i tua t ion r e m a i n s u n c h e c k e d a n d un-

heeded, w h e t h e r we sink or swim will be a

moot ( jues t ion . W e a re indeed in d i r e s t rai ts ,

and we concur u n a n i m o u s l y wi th those pro-

phets of d o o m who predic t that these a re ou r

dec l in ing years and t ha t soon all tha t we hold

fast a n d dear will t u r n to dust , w h e n c e we

came a n d w h i t h e r we go.

W h a t then can we say to this? W e can

not . we mus t not , we shall not t u r n the o t h e r

OUAND, MKMOAM

Editor Managing Editor ... News Editor Layout Editor

Virginia Advertising Manager Business Manager ..

Xavier Malibu .. Monkey See .. Monkey Do

Van Prudesmn . Bobby Baker

Cash Drawer

cheek while th i s m a l i g n a n c y c o n f r o n t s us at

every t u r n . Of t h e c o m f o r t of s leep, which has

been k n o w n to kn i t the ' r ave led sleeve of care,

we k n o w n o t h i n g . W e d e p l o r e t h e low es ta te

in which we f ind ourselves , a n d a t the risk of

k i l l i n g a sacred cow a n d u n c o v e r i n g a skele

ton in the closet, we mus t call a s p a d e a spade

T h e s i t ua t ion is r o t t e n to the core, a n d wha t

is needed is the mora l a u d a c i t y to po in t out

w h e r e the shoe p inches .

W e mus t assemble all the forces at ou r

d i sposa l a n d a p p l y every B a c o n i a n m e t h o d we

k n o w to f e r r e t o u t those in f luences in o u r

lives which seek to d i v i d e a n d des t roy us. T h e

b o n e of c o n t e n t i o n will boi l d o w n to s imply

this: Shall we be c h i l d r e n of l ight or ch i ld ren

of darkness? Shal l we serve G o d or m a m m o n ?

Shall we be fo l lowers of t h e devi l a n d his ways

or l abore r s for the k i n g d o m of G o d ? T h e r e is

n o m i d d l e g r o u n d in th is f ight; o n e c a n n o t

sit on the f ence forever . W h a t is n e e d e d is

t h a t all of us t ake t h e l eap of f a i th i n t o the

abyss ot the u n k n o w n a n d d e c i d e once a n d /

fo r all to be c o u n t e d in the l and of t h e l iving.

TH E C R O S S W H I C H W E m u s t b e a r is

not l igh t . T h e evil is all a b o u t a n d

wha t we m u s t d o is p o i n t it ou t a n d

work like the devil to see it g o to wrack a n d

r u i n . T h e wages of sin is d e a t h , a n d o u r too.

too mor t a l flesh mus t b e s teeled aga ins t the

sl ings and a r r o w s of o u t r a g e o u s f o r t u n e . T h e

dep rav i ty , l i cen t iousness , vice, sensual i ty , in

i qu i ty a n d c o r r u p t i o n wh ich we see today is

u n e q u a l l e d in the h is tory of m a n k i n d . W e can

on ly c o n c l u d e tha t s o m e t h i n g is in fact r o t t e n

in H o l l a n d a n d at H o p e . T h i s is n o j e r u s a

l e m , n o civitas Dei: r a t h e r we a r e l i v i n g in a

ver i t ab le Sodom a n d G o m o r r a h wi th in these

l o u r walls.

Time is of the essence. All good th ings

d o not l o m e to those w h o s t a n d a n d wait

Let us beg in , for t h e t i m e is d r a w i n g n igh

w h e n the c a n d l e c a n n o t be b u r n t at b o t h ends

a n d when we shall be p l u n g e d i n t o the d e p t h s

of despa i r by o u r indec i s ion . Every m i n u t e we

de lay t ime sifts t h r o u g h o u r fingers l ike the

sands of e t e r n i t y a n d t h e i n e x o r a b l e h a n d of

f a te pushes us fools a l o n g t h e road to dus tv

d e a t h .

Readers Rank On

Dear ranchor Editor ...

Published seldom and secretly during the college year by the students and for the Administration of Hope College, Holland, Michigan, 38-22-)7, under the authority of just about anyone wishing to take the responsibility. The Hoard of Editors refuses to take responsibility for the opinions expressed in this paper. The opinions do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Board or of anyone. I hey just happened to be lying around when the paper went to press.

Entered as negative matter at the Windmill of Holland, Michigan, 38-22-)7, at the special rate of postage for trash provided for in the Bird Preservation Act of Congress, lebruary 30, 1917. Delivered by carrier pigeon despite ihe President s bounty hunters and the collusion of Republican bankers. Subscription: Free to anyone who's crazy enough to read it. Printed: Mimeo-graph room, basement of Van Raalte Fire Trap.

Office Skiles Tavern, 8th and Columbia, Holland, Mich. Phone EX 2-9/57.

Board of Editors

Editorial Assistants Norman Thomas, Kenneth Crawford

Matures 5 f l m the sham Critiques Sam Snipe sPorts Swets Armstrong National News Walter Cronkite R™rite Prisquilla Inkpen Headlines Cas Bodoni Copy .. Little Annie Van Fanes ma

{ W Libby Conklin Photography . . . . Flash Van Wink Columnist Muccck Racker Cartoonist Fritz Van Reeken

"Hoorah!" However 1 hesitate to articulate for fear that I may deviate f rom the true paths of rec-titude. Therefore, "Hoorah!"

A faithful ranchor reader lo these many years.

As a member of the f lour i sh ing NDL, I wish to protest the general lack of c a m p u s interest in o u r deliberately subvers ive o rgan iza -tion. If you only knew the mali-cious p l ans afoot for upsetting c a m p u s life you never would have allowed us to infiltrate the cor-rupt s t ructure v ia the unsuspect ing Religious Life Committee.

As First C o m r a d e of In-telligence, allow me to sketch our p lans for the coming semester;

1. A m a r c h in protest of the d r a f t i n g of pre-sem students who fail Dr. Zs i ros ' Greek courses;

2. A lie-in at the Clinic to pro-test i nadequa te in-patient facilities and the ind i sc r imina te use of LSD for sufferers f rom the c o m m o n cold

3. A sit-in at the ma in tenance office to prevent the fu ture past-ing of illegal p a r k i n g stickers on cars a l r eady stuck in u n r e m o v e d snow;

4. The es tabl i shment of a sis-ter college a n d the offering of such courses as Collective Meth-ods f o r Western Mich igan Grape Growers , Ca lv in a n d Religious

P'reedom: A Study in Contras ts , and Socialist Aspects of Klaasen-esque Economics.

As you can see, we are still a c a m p u s o rgan i za t i on , we are still a c a m p u s o rgan iza t ion , we a re still. . . .

Fever ishly you r s , Penn Glontier

When the last d i n g d o n g of d o o m c langs red a n d sunless in the last angu i shed and d a r k e n e d classes of Van Raalte, then will I cease to protest the cava l ie r and gen-era l ly wretched t reatment of the dedicated staff of o u r sterl ing lit-e r a r y m a g a z i n e Dopus .

Not only h a s the philistine ad-minis t ra t ion fronted by their lack-ies in the ma in t enance depar tment refused to e x p a n d the present three-bedroom, two-bath suite; they h a v e refused to p a y f o r t h r e e ^ color p h o t o g r a p h s of staff mem-bers , a necessary ad junct for the agonized sessions in which p o e m s such as the fo l lowing are suffered over :

Despair , the drizzly N o v e m b e r of m y chapelled a n d dismal-ed m o r n i n g s

Smashes in on m y beaten b r o w U n d e r g r a d u a t e Angst , the alien-

a t ion of the commit ted The non-communica t ion of the

d ia log- r idden (no te the " i n " spell-ing)

St ruggle on, oh soul of youth bereft of life

A l iv ing dea th on a globe of cinder ( a n d etc.) 1 therefore sugges t the fo l lowing add i t ions to the s t a f f room of the Dopus :

1. Complete b o u n d vo lume of The B a n n e r , fo r the best in re-l igious poet ry ;

2. A g r a n d p i a n o , to replace the old up r igh t , ruined, we sus-pect, by Dr. Koo ike r secretly prac-ticing his " C o n c e r t o for str ing-less p i a n o and p h o g h o r n ; "

3. A complete set of Bas t i an K r u i t h o f s novels needed to s tar t the fires in

4. The fireplace, of late stolen f r o m Phelps lounge , where fires on the couches a r e not helped b y a lack of a s h t r a y s ;

5. A new set of p l a y i n g c a r d s to replace the French set confis-cated b y the Student Church;

6. A new crock of insp i ra t ion stolen f r o m the now-defunct SCCC, of late u n d e r inves t igat ion b y the Religious Life Commit tee on c h a r g e s of e n c o u r a g i n g Quak-er wor sh ip .

Y o u r s in the s t ruggle,

L .H. Menkind ( R e m e m b e r F o r m Cri t ic ism)

February 3, 1967 Hope College ranchor Page 5

1 . S Virgil ' ' S ^ \ *' M ' • r f / - - * / > ^ ^

m t J I

. V . ; • ^

>, ' • . ' * • • , * * • t • • - i t

v' i ." "v /'.WtMifflP .v/V/,!; j W ,'.ft ,/> . f *. / ,

Af te r this week is over , I'm go ing to get so pot ted . . . !'

W h a t was that , sir? Ethyl or

Regular?'

A ranchor Pictorial Revue

Are You Kidding Me ?

V : -rip -• . - c

-«v** •' v>i ,^r

'Wh ich hand has the choco la te

mess?'

i

ft P f

H

I

A n d don ' t y o u ever make fun of my p izza pie a g a i n ! ' If peop le wou ld on ly curb their dogs. . /

£

i' j .

. . A >

'S tand stil l, Tobor , here they come aga in ! '

* 4 4

' 5

, ^

Ever see that guy with the b e a r d and the p ipe? '

T e a h , I spot ted him yes te rday . '

A b o u t four of them on pa in ted horses, less than an hour ago .

Little Theater Features High

Quality, Meaningful Dramas

lope ' such work

Tm standing in what?'

The product ion of significant, meaningfu l , and well-known p l ays continues apace in the Lit-tle Theater , accord ing to Theater director George Ralph.

Fol lowing the s m a s h hit What Are They Say ing?" , Mr. Ralph expressed the following sentiments concern ing theater potential on

s c a m p u s : "1 have found talent only in my previous at South (".rand Rapids Vo-

cat ional High , " he said dramat i -cally.

The following p l ays have been scheduled: " T h e Queens Before Dea th ," a s tudy in the history of the queens of Kngland; Down in the Val ley ," an ope ra which deals with leit motifs of the Otta-wa Beach s a n d dunes ; the " T h e L o u d s , " which will s tar Hope 's cheer ing lead ing s q u a d .

When asked to comment on the series of one-act p l a y s put on by

his theater s emina r , Mr. Ralph said shor t ly , "Cer ta in ly the best product ion was "Da rknes s at N o o n " put on by the li^ht crew; running a close second was the musical "1 Wanna Make An Km-pire Outa Your Hea r t , " sung by Bill Hender and The Developers.

Klabora t ing on the product ion of "Queens Before Death," Mr. Ralph sa id , " The p lay studies Por-tuguese addict ion to the ra re Pa-p a g a n o leaf, and features cos-tumes dona ted by the Salvat ion A r m y . "

Mr. Ralph is reported as pleas-ed with the sets designed by f a m o u s New York d e s i g n e r Michael VanVoglas . The director noted that Mr. VanVog las ' sets for "What Are They Saying???" were so ove rpower ing as to m a k e a c t i n g totally unnecessary . He added that the s a m e may be said of all fu ture Hope product ions.

!

i .JM

'I don't know about this total

immersion bit.'

Page 6 Hope College ranchor February 3, 1967

Phakultie Phokus

Meaning in Academia

VanRob Skillet Publishes

Another Avant-Garde Novel

Editor's Note: Faculty Focus is written this week by Dr. Icha-bod Van Scholarsma, Dean of Affairs at Hope. Dr. Van Scho-larsma earned his B.A. from Wat-situ U. in 1917, his M.A. from Oshkosh State Teachers College in 1942, and his Ph.D. in Physi-cal Education from University of California at Berkeley in 1964. His doctoral thesis was on the topic: "The advantages of push-ing off from the right toe as op-posed to pushing off from the left toe: A study in contrasts."

By Ichabod Van Scholarsma

Our educat ional process at Hope College at tempts to opti-mize the ba lance between develop-ing b r o a d integrat ive value struc-tures and acqua in t ing the student with v a r i o u s aspects of a particu-lar discipline such as to p r epa re a student to take his place either in a chosen voca t ion or profes-sion or a p rofess iona l or g r a d u a t e school in which he m a y continue his specialized t ra in ing for a career.

To quote the Hope College Bul-letin (p. 43) , " A l t h o u g h students enter college f r o m secondary schools with a wide var ia t ion in b a c k g r o u n d and education, the first responsibil i ty of the college is to p rov ide for each student a b r o a d base of experience in the v a r i o u s fields of h u m a n activity which will en la rge his unders tand-ing of the world in which he lives, help him in disciplining his mind, and assist him in acquir ing a vital Chr is t ian p h i l o s o p h y . "

PERHAPS THIS EXTENSIVE bit of ve rb iage needs some expli-cation, besides a few c o m m a s and

DR. ICHABOD VAN SCHOLARSMA

periods. What it means is, our students take general courses .

But clearly such an insistance on non-goal-or iented develop-ment of over -a rch ing , wide-rang-ing value s t ructures will not a lone suffice. If this a lone constitutes the educat ional process, the stu-dent is left without the expertise and famil iar i ty within a specific rea lm of intellectual endeavor which are necessary to cope with increasingly highly complex deci-s ion -mak ing contexts. And so we need m a j o r s , too.

THERE'S T H E RUB: the es-sential academic a p p a r a t i prere-quisitie for the t ra in ing of sophis-ticated specialists runs head long into the need for sequences of s tudy which confront ever -broad-

er issues a n d often reach the soar -ing heights of inter-disciplinary dia logue. When one key adminis-t ra to r was recently confronted with this seemingly insoluble di-l emma, he quipped enthusiastical-ly, " S a y , that ' s right, isn't it?"

But to those of us who are com-mitted f rom the very root of o u r phyches to the e labora ted prin-ciples of un t rammeled educat ion-al excellence, such an innate con-tradict ion merely a d d s to the vero-city of the challenge. Not only must we stretch the intellect of human i ty to the unpara l le led li-mits of academic superior i ty , we must also publ ish the results when we get there.

ONLY BY S U C H cont inuous eve r -va ry ing interplay of scholar-ly minds , can one 's Weltan-s c h a u u n g be b roadened , and the wealth of m a n k i n d ' s collective knowledge be extended into the far-f lung b o u n d s of the infinite.

So, as we have seen, simple quest ions have simple answers. The reader of this exposit ion is certainly cognizant of the special and e x t r a o r d i n a r y circumstances which per ta in to the hither-to seem-ingly u n a m b i g u o u s posi t ion of the au thor of this diatribe.

When one is encumbered by responsibilities which are not necessarily commensu ra t e with his heretofore established habi t of pa t te rn-maintenance as a member of the scholar ly discipline, such obl iga t ions tend to becloud both the clarity of one 's expressive powers and the acuteness of his previous ly uninhibited mental proccesses.

B U T T H A T ' S WHAT happens when y o u become an Admin-istrator!

By Irving Van Schnord

With theenigmat ic mot to " S p e r a in B r o o k l y n " the latest novel by H o p e a l u m n u s Alain V a n R o b Skillet opens, and it shou ld p r o v e to be an immediate success on the c a m p u s of the a u t h o r ' s nourish-ing mother , as were his other au tob iog raph ica l novels "Hil le-gonds -The Rain K i n g , " and " T h e Smile ," critically acclaimed as m o r e depressing t h a n K a f k a .

The novel was written in the s a m e a v a n t - g a r d e incomprehen-sible style as his others , with the bri l l iant addi t ion of interchang-able pages , a l lowing the enter-p r i s ing reader to construct his own vers ion of the a u t h o r ' s cam-pus life.

THIS REVIEWER'S FIRST attempt at shuffl ing the pages re-sulted in a plot which had Mr. V a n R o b Skillet cutt ing a total of 5 2 3 chapels, later to be con-gra tu la ted by the college presi-dent on his ingenuity, enterprise, and good looks, and receiving the A-Phi-0 Award for the best crew cut and spor t coat combi-na t ion .

This construct was rushed to V a n R o b Skillet expert-in-resi-dence Prins, who immediate ly in-terpreted it as fal l ing within the

t radi t ion of angst , a l i ena t ion , and general a n g u i s h that charac ter -izes all the l i terature he h a s ever read.

S T U D E N T REACTION to the book w a s u n a n i m o u s l y favor-able; college l i terary m a g a z i n e b o a r d m e m b e r T h e o d o r e John-son op ined that it ough t to be serialized in mon th ly instal lments of the Dopus , s a y i n g that it re-presented the most se r ious cam-pus-associa ted l i te rary effort since the a n o n y m o u s ch i ld ren ' s classic " T h e Rabbits on Ot t ipoby Hill ."

When asked if he would visit his school and p e r h a p s deliver a lecture on his craf t , the famed au thor , l ook ing a s out-to-lunch as his favor i te Welsh poet, re-sponded:

Never, until the m a n k i n d m a k i n g Bird beast and flower F a t h e r i n g . THIS REVIEWER suggested

that such obscenities were unneces-sa ry , but V a n R o b Skillet went on to exp la in that his next novel ' s pages (depending , he admit ted , on the o rder in which they 're p laced) would deal with an ex-pose of i m m o r a l practices in the Bible Depar tment , with the possi-ble title of " T h e Char te red House of P a l m a . " Prins ' comment was lost in the r o a r of his muffler.

Choir to Go to China; Financial Aid Available

The 666th Column

The Egg-Plant That Ate Hope

The Hope College Choir will get an all-expense-paid trip be-hind the B a m b o o Cur ta in for a three-week concert tour of central Chinese rice paddies . However, choi r members will be responsi-ble for their own t r anspo r t a t i on to H o n g Kong.

A spokesman for the g r o u p stat-ed their p r o g r a m will include a medley of Dutch Chr i s tmas car-ols, to blend in with the Chinese Cul tura l Revolution, and "An Old Psal ter" by Ching C h o n g V a n Chung. Other par t s of the p r o g r a m will include read ings f r o m "Odes to the Dykes of Hol-l and and the Great Wall of Chi-

n a " a n d " T h e Chinese D r a g o n Meets Der Fliegende H o l l a n d e r . "

Dr. Powell F r y e d , Director of the Hope College P r o g r a m to Send Students A-Broad , expla ined the f inancial b o o n was m a d e possible by a g r a n t f rom " C h a n g Ki-Shek Memor ia l F u n d for Cul tura l E x c h a n g e " which folded up last week. If this g ran t doesn ' t come th rough , as he pricelessly put it, students will be expected to pro-vide food and t r a n s p o r t a t i o n costs while in Red China. But one Hope official emphas ized the a d v a n -tages of the plan: " N e v e r look a gift horse in the m o u t h , " he said freedlv.

By I rv ing Gronknor tse l

Night falls d a r k l y on the cat-whiskered pine groove , and its manifold murk iness penetrates in-to the u n f a t h o m a b l e recesses of Graves, the Chapel , numerous Bastilles, and the thoughts of ten lovers nestling in the Meditation Chapel. As ba ts circle unfa thom-ably a r o u n d the m u r k y m o o n ' s mass ive mult i tude of m u r d e r o u s malad jus ted , misan throp ic beams the silence is mutilated by an awful sc ream of un fa thomab le anguish :

" A R E YOU K I D D I N G ME?"

FROM T H E D E P T H S oi tne Hope College sewer in lower g raves rises the i n h u m a n form covered with the mud-s l inging ma-nure of countless caustic columns. Egad! it is he, the beast of the ha i ry finger!

(Dear reader , let us take a few minutes to follow this cad as he runs r a m p a n t over the cherished ideals o f o u r beloved Alma Matter, c rush ing d i a m o n d s into blacken-ed coal) .

He steps f o r w a r d now, b ran-dishing fire f rom his f o a m i n g nos-trils, b rea th ing d e o d o r a n t f rom his d r ipp ing lips, a n d holding a n iron ancho r plucked f rom the bo-som of Graves lawn. Taller than the Great Cha in of Being, able to leap regula t ions in a single minc-ing step, the ha i ry one, with a single s a v a g e smite, hur ls ten stone tablets at the chapel and leaves it ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

ADVANCING FURIOUSLY on venerable Van Raalte, the thing f rom 10,000 bull sessions flings the bui ld ing ' s bureaucra t i c bulk up into the blue a n d o r a n g e - u p , up, until it orbi ts in a posit ion exactly b locking the sun 's r a y s f rom ever i m p i n g i n g the dark-ness which covers the water.

It is loose! The ha i ry one is des t roy ing o u r precious, punit ive parad i se ! As the a l a r m spreads across c a m p u s , students panic, r u n sc reaming hideously toward

the girls ' dormi tor ies shou t ing , " T h e world is coming to an end!"

In the deepest recesses of stately VanderWerf m a n o r , l ead ing scien-tists ga ther to discuss what is to be doed. The meeting dis integrates into a babb le of voices c ry ing for advance pay , a tomic bombs , the nat ional g u a r d , and extreme unc-tion.

Outside the monster h a s just calmly seated itself on the Dean of Women, five mother-houses , two Alpha Phi Omega guerri l las , and a bewildered j an i to r who were at tempting to clean the brute 's toenails in the hopes that it would noi soil the lawns. Students, a rm-ed with water ba l loons , fratern-ity paddles and Bibles, a re help-less aga ins t the Thing with eyes that bu rn like Hell's inextinguish-able Ronsons.

ON IT GOES, tear ing d o w n one ideal after ano the r with unremit-ting malice and icy exactness. The Bible depar tment sends a delegation to the monster , and they a d v a n c e timidly m u r m u r i n g " S p e r a in Deo."

"Are you the ant i -Chris t?" they ask apocalypt ical ly .

The brute s t ands like a colos-sus, a s c reaming co-ed in one h a n d and Crispell Cot tage in the other. F r o m the u n f a t h o m a b l e depths of his g iant h a i r y being a low r u m b l i n g sound is heard , then b r e a k s for th:

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" it s c reams bleat ingly a n d proceeds to ga ther the ministers up on one gigantic toe and flip them to the seventh sphere of the heavens .

And now, as the first th in seep-ing of sunl ight peeps a r o u n d Van Raalte Hal l ' s b lockade, a dread-ful sight is revealed. The c a m p u s lies fallow, its g r o u n d s dessimat-

ed and b a r r e n . The beas t looks a r o u n d , licks his lips, a n d sl inks back down into Grave ' s sewer.

But wait. F r o m off in the dis-tance a f igure a p p r o a c h e s on ho r seback , a n old m a n with saint-

M' ranchor Sports ly expression. He a r r ives at the deserted land, d ismounts . Look-ing up toward the d a w n he speaks in a voice filled with convict ion:

" V F R I L Y , T H I S IS MY R A N C H O R , my crock of dope. '

HOPE LOSES

News Briefs ¥ • * •

France Char les (. Gaulle stated in

a speech today that those who voted aga ins t him in the recent election risked losing tlieir right to enter heaven.

Vietnam In the Mekong Delta yester-

day , U.S. Marine helicopters sank 15 s a m p a n s , destroyed two VlelconglDunkers and near-ly wiped out two U.S. Army companies . Meanwhile Army units opera t ing in the Delta re-ported being hard-hi t by heli-

copters which they could not identify; in Sa igon speculat ion mounted that the helicopters were Red Chinese. A r m y loss-es were described as " l igh t . "

Representatives of the U.S. Army will be in V a n Raalte on M o n d a y to seek recruits for the Army ' s Reconnaissance and Intelligence Divi/iim.

Middle East Syr ia and Egypt over - ran

Israel today. Spokesmen for the L'nited Na t ions promised an immediate invest igat ion.

Washington The Supreme Cour t this week

reversed a lower court decis-ion which convicted Cain of s l ay ing his b ro ther Abel.

Resurrecting the case of 5 ,329 yea r s ago , court justices point-ed to publ ished accounts which clearly h a d prejudiced the j u r y

in earl ier proceedings. One ac-count s t a t , d , " A n d it came to ; ass , when they were in the f.eld, that Cain rose up again-st Abel his brother , and slew h i m . " Justices pointed to new definit ions which clearly insist that the word " a l l e g e d " be in-serted in all accounts of crimes. The ph ra se " A n d now art thou cursed f rom the ear th which ha th opened her mouth to re-ceive they bro ther ' s b l o o d " was cited by justices as proof of an unre l iab le and b iased witness.

Memoria l services for the ex-onera ted Cain will be held on the steps of the Court bui ld ing next week.

The second semester of the Fu lbr igh t Seminar commenced in Washington this week. Ed-win 0 . Reischauer, who b e g a n by s ta t ing his full suppor t for the Adminis t ra t ion ' s policy in the F a r East, stated explosive-ly that " b o m b i n g the Nor th was a g iant psycholog ica l mis-calculat ion. Asked abou t this a p p a r e n t contradic t ion, Reisch-auer said expediently, " T h a t ' s no th ing - even LBJ isn't for J o h n s o n ' s policy a n y m o r e . "

California c Ronald Reagan ' s popularity

rating continued to soar this week as he fired two universi-ty presidents, cut welfare rolls up to 2 0 0 per cent, and con-demned surfing and swimming as "insidious tools of the liber-

al-socialist c o n s p i r a c y . " He publicly denied that he feels the

same way about educa t ion , but r u m o r s in S a c r a m e n t o a b o u n d -ed nonetheless.

New York Lucy J o h n s o n Nugent was

seen s h o p p i n g for ma te rn i ty dresses in Macy ' s yes te rday af-ternoon. She was wear ing d a r k glasses, but alert repor ters re-cognized her nose. Asked for comment in his cozy b u n g a l o w in n e a r b y Texas , Lucy ' s hus-b a n d Pat Nugent declined com-ment, issued forth on ly a mir th-ful "hee-hee" and retreated to the conf ines of his dwell ing.

Washington Bobby Baker was convicted

this week on eight counts which included heist ing petty c a s h , sw imming the Perdernales r iver without a life jacket, s tea l ing Wash ing ton , and be ing inti-mate f r i ends with L y n d o n J o h n -son. "W rhat a d a s t a r d l y series of c r imes , " said one obse rve r offensively.

Holland Weather: Mostly fair today,

tonight and tomorrow with a chance of a few light snow flurries followed b y a hurri-cane. To readers of last week's column, we apologize for the snow storm which surprised you all. Oh well. Sticks and stones, y o u know