01--Mission Training Center

Chapter OneThe Missionary Training Center

Life is inexorable. It allows for no breaks, no pauses, no chances to rest and catchone’s breath. As soon as one task is finished, five more line up and clamor for attention.To bask in the glow of a job well done is a luxury few can afford. Thus it was when Ireturned home, after a mission well served, in June of 1998.

No sooner had I stepped off the jetway when life once more demanded that I live it.I had to find employment, reestablish relationships with my family, touch base with myfriends, and through it all maintain the high spiritual health I had developed whileserving in Tampico, Mexico. To this end, I continued to pray, read my scriptures, andattend my Sunday meetings. A month after returning home, my bishop called me toteach Sunday School to the thriteen and fourteen year old class, of which my sister was apart.

I was not due to return to BYU until the beginning of winter semester. Thus, Iappraoached the coming months with eagerness and zeal. I spent my time working at thefamily business, visiting with former friends, and volunteering in the baptistry at theDenver Temple. The enthusiasm and momentum from my mission carried me saftelythrough the first few months of awkward readjustments. However, as summer faded intoautumn, a profound meloncholy and restlessness entered my life. Though I had tried torecconnect with my former friends, I had learned to my sorrow that the intervening yearshad moved us all onto separate paths, moving us in different directions. Many briskSeptember evenings found me wrapped in a moody lonliness.

For three more months I waited, looking forward to going back to school and oncemore progressing with my life. During those days, I was still able to find moments ofhope and happiness, times when I could lift my head above the smog of self-pity. I foundjoy in temple service, and though my friends and I had parted ways, I developed anhonest friendship with my parents. Although my life was not onerus, I was neverthelessanxious to continue with my education.

WALKING THE DUSTY ROAD

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In January 1999, I returned to Brigham Young University, where I officially declaredmy major in Geology. It was a large departure from my original educational goal, but Ihad prayed about the decision in the temple and felt confident about my direction. Imoved into an old, two-story apartment complex across the street from the Taco Bell on9th East, a twenty minute walk from campus. As I began attending classes once more, Imade new friends, and was even able to reconnect with old friends in a way I had notbeen able to back in Colorado.

My new student ward was like many congregations at BYU. The first semester get-to-know you activities were not repeated at the commencement of the second semester,and many of the year’s friendships and circles had already been formed. Although someeffort was made to greet those of us new to the ward, no one stepped forward with awelcoming hand or tried to integrate me into the ward family. As the semesterprogressed, I found it more and more difficult to find the motivation to attend mymeetings. Who would miss me? I asked myself. I determined that I could find morespiritual growth by reading Bruce R. McConkie by myself then spending two hours inclassrooms with a group of strangers. I began a slow decent into inactivity.

At my lowest point, when I felt lost and lonely and confused, I saw a light at the endof the proverbial tunnel. One day, while walking to class, I crossed paths with WilliamGriffin, with whom I had served in Mexico. He told me of his recent trip to Tampico andI began to think that perhaps that far off time and place were not so very far off after all.As my heart longed for renewed spiritual feasting, I began to reason that the best way tostart a spiritual revival in my life was to return to the place where my spirit had been atits strongest—Tampico, Mexico.

And so the idea of returning to my erstwhile fields of labor was born. It was more tome than just a friendly visit, or a chance to check up on the people I loved so dearly. Forme, it was a pilgrimage. Somehow, somewhere, in the last year, I had lost the vision anddrive that was so necessary for a life well lived.

As my excitement grew, I spent more and more time not only dreaming of theupcoming trip, but also remembering the past. This would not be the first time I hadtravelled by myself into an unknown future. Three years previous, I said a tearfulfarewell to my friends and family and began the greatest adventrue of my life.

Wednesday, June 5, 1996

I left home this morning at eight. We went and picked up Beckie andGrant. We then drove to the airport. Jason, Shawn, RJ, his mother, MichelleDouglass, and Mel Cruz were waiting for us there. My flight was delayed twenty-five minutes. I received my father’s copy of A Marvelous Work and a Wonder, byLeGrand Richards from RJ’s mother.

When my family had slipped into inactivity eight years previous, they gaveaway most of their church books. One of these was the abovementioned book. Itwas the copy my father had used on his mission. When I started going back tochurch in my freshman year of high school, Sister Roxanne Phillips, who was thenin possession of the book, planned for this day, and planned on giving me thisvery special copy of Elder Richard’s book. Since I had already bought my owncopy, and felt like I didn’t need two, I gave away my extra copy to Melanie Cruz,

THE MISSION TRAINING CENTER

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who was not a member of the Church. This was, it seems, my first proselyting asa missionary. My father’s copy of A Marvelous Work and a Wonder became oneof my most cherished possessions and helped me to feel a connection with myfather during the hard times of my mission.

I left my family and friends, my mother cried, and I flew to Salt Lake City.They drove me to Provo in a van. I rode with two other elders, one fromMaryland going to Detroit, and the other from Seattle going to Pittsburgh. Wearrived in Provo at one o’clock. My former roommate, Tim Chartrand, was thereto meet me. We put my luggage in a room and went to an orientation andwelcome. The two of us paid very little attention to the presentation; we had bothbid farewell to so many friends in the last six months that we knew all the beats inthe presentation and were able to crack the jokes before the speaker did.

I then said good-bye to Tim, left the room, left the building, got in line,had my picture taken, and received my nametag and house key. I was told to get ahaircut, and then they checked my immunizations. I received my books andsupplies, which included a Spanish-English dictionary, a copy of the discussionsin both English and Spanish, and “Spanish for Missionaries.” I then went to mydorm, got my haircut, retrieved my luggage, and unpacked. I met my roommatesand my companion.

We went to dinner, where I saw Noah Huntsman—who no one thoughtwould serve a mission, but was scheduled to leave for Ecuador soon—and JaredHutchings—who was leaving for Uruguay a few weeks after Noah. I talked withthem both. Dinner that night was a choice of spaghetti or meatloaf. Neitherlooked that appetizing to me, but since the spaghetti meal came with a side ofgarlic bread, I chose the former. I also had a helping of Waldorf salad. We thenwent home (that is, to my dorm). Later, we went to a meeting with the Assistantto the President, and then met our teachers with the rest of my district. We camehome and I started writing in my journal.

I’m a little nervous about this whole MTC thing. Saying good-bye wasn’tas hard as I thought it would be, though I’m already missing my family. Seeingfriends tonight really made a difference. I hope I do well. I can’t believe that I’ma missionary already! Still hasn’t sunk in that I’ll be gone for two years.

Still in shock.Looking forward to and dreading the future.I am happy.

Thursday, June 6, 1996

We woke up at six, and then showered and ate breakfast. I attended anorientation with President Barney. It lasted three hours, but was very interesting.I even took notes. This was one of the only meetings in my entire mission where Itook notes. It was about teaching with the spirit, and I found the topic and style ofpresentation to be fascinating. However, I soon learned that there are a plethoraof meetings at the MTC, and I quickly lost momentum and didn't take notes inmany other meetings.


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We ate lunch and then attended our first class—P.M. Class: CommitmentPattern, Brother Meik teaching. Brother Meik was the oldest of our instructors, inboth age and time spent teaching at the Mission Training Center. He had apregnant wife and a receding hairline. Hermano Meik (pronounced MEEK) wasenergetic, enthusiastic, and very obedient to mission rules. We tried to sing“Spirit of God” in Spanish, but it sounded horrible. We went to dinner and thenattended a meeting with President Gappmeyer, our branch president. I like him. Ihad a short interview with him. He asked me to bear my testimony to the district.I did so, came home, and showered.

I love it here. The last couple of days have been slow and it’s been hardfor me. But I’m starting to feel the spirit of this place—a spirit matched only bythe temple. My roommates are cool and I am looking forward to the next fewmonths serving and growing with them. They are:

Elder Jared Callister: from Boise, Idaho. He’s my companion. Seems tobe an agreeable and likable fellow. He was a very relaxed missionary, but alsovery obedient. He was also the first in our group to become senior companion,and was made district and zone leader shortly thereafter. He served as ZL forover a year and then finished his mission as a branch president in Tanquian. Hehad grown up in Hawaii and still carried with him the relaxed attitudes of thatculture.

Elder Michael Felley: from San Diego, California. He’s a Latino and ispretty active and vocal. He had more energy than could have possibly beencontained in his wiry frame. He picked up the language much faster than the restof us and was often a guide and an inspiration, as well as a provider of comicrelief, for the entire district. His best friend from high school was later called tothe Tampico Mission, and eventually the two of them served together in CiudadVictoria and broke nearly every mission record. He finished his mission as anAssistant to the President.

Elder Chad Fister: from Fullerton, California. He’s a tall and athletic type.So far, he’s pretty cool. He was one of only three freshmen to play on BYU’svarsity basketball team in 1995, and his love of sports often dictated our P-Dayactivities. He set the mission on fire when he was a zone leader in Victoria bybaptizing an unheard-of eleven people in a single month. He was Assistant to thePresident towards the end of his mission, and finished as a zone leader inTampico.

Elder Clark Taylor: from Monticello, Utah. He’s quiet but can be veryfunny. I think we’ll have fun. Elder Taylor was very devout and serious abouthis mission. He was often worried about serving in Mexico, mostly because hethrew up three or four times a week during our first month at the MTC.Nevertheless, he was one of the first of us to become a zone leader, served severalmonths as a branch president in Soto La Marina, and finished his mission in theoffices as Secretary to the President.

Elder Michael Stauffer: from Afton, Wyoming. He’s really quiet.However, I think he’ll make a great missionary. His frame was compact andmuscular; he was a wrestler in high school. Stauffer was quiet and unassuming,


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and could stay focused on Scripture study, even while Elders Felley and Hastywere clowning around. He thus earned the nickname “The Rock." Elder Staufferfinished his mission in Tampico as a zone leader.

Elder Michael Tonks: from Los Alamos, New Mexico. He was incrediblyintelligent and smart. Tonks was often the brunt of our jokes but always took itwith extreme good humor. He was my zone leader in Madero for a time beforebeing called to the offices to serve as Assistant to the President, where he finishedhis mission.

Elder David Watkins: from Idaho Falls, Idaho. Of the twelve of us in thedistrict, he was the only one who had taken no high-school Spanish. He struggledso hard to learn the language, and as our MTC district leader, we often ralliedaround him. He finished his mission as a zone leader in Valle Hermosa.

We’re all going to Mexico Tampico. Bonds to last a lifetime will beforged.

The other two elders in our district were:Elder Geoffrey Hasty: from somewhere in Vermont, though he got tired of

saying that and started telling people he was from northern Utah, where he hadlived for the last year. He and Felley were the class clowns, often bouncing jokesback and forth off each other to the point where we could no longer breathe forlaughing so hard.

Elder Jose Castillo: from Salt Lake City, UT. He was a convert and oftenstruggled with the rules and regulations of the MTC. He and Felley became fastfriends, and I think that Felley had a powerful impact on Castillo’s mission.

Both Elders Hasty and Castillo were preparing to serve missions inTijuana.

Friday, June 7, 1996

I had an interesting experience today. We discovered a fount ofinformation: Hermano Frandsen, an instructor down the hall who had served inthe Mexico Tampico Mission a year and a half previously. I had asked him theuppermost question on my mind—if he had ever gotten serious diarrhea. Thesisters in the district, Hermanas Bachman and Leipic, were shocked that I evenasked such a question. I realized then that I had said something not befitting mycalling as a representative of the Lord Jesus Christ. It was nothing horrendous orheinous, yet it was still wrong.

An hour and a half later, one of the sisters in the district mentioned myearlier comment. I was ashamed. I planned to apologize to the two sisters at theend of class. However, when the end came, I lost my nerve. But, I later foundmyself alone for a brief time with them. I realized that I had been given theopportunity to make amends for my misdeed. It is such a small thing, yet by smalland simple things are great things accomplished. By small and simple things wecan know the Lord loves us.

Perhaps this story is a bit melodramatic, but I was trying so hard at thetime to be an ambassador of the Lord Jesus Christ. I wanted to be the best


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missionary ever and even had delusions of grandeur—often dreaming of the greatand marvelous works that I would bring to pass in Tampico. This experiencereminded me of two things—that I am human, and that the Lord loves me,imperfections and all.

Saturday, June 8, 1996

After gym today, we all took showers. However, no one remembered tobring a key. It was quite humorous. We were locked out of our room—all six ofus, all naked and wet. Elder Hasty from next door helped us out by running to theoffice for a spare key. We decided that day that since we were living in a smallcommunity of God’s chosen servants there was no need to lock our door. Thiswas also the day that one member of our district decided that wearing a towelwas a waste of time, and began trekking to the bathroom and back naked as theday he was born.

I need to learn quiet dignity. I’ve never learned it before, but have alwayslonged for it. I guess I should do so now. I wish my district didn’t screw aroundso much. We have fun, but sometimes at the expense of our studies. I am guiltyof this spirit of levity, also. Often times during periods that were supposed to befor personal studies, we would instead talk and laugh and joke. Some of us madea pretense of studying, but mostly we just goofed around. Stauffer, the Rock, wasthe exception.

During these first two months of training I suffered from my most intensemood swings. This was the first of a downward swing. I wanted so much to be agreat missionary, serious, and full of faith and power, but more often than not, Imade jokes, laughed, and had a good time. It wasn’t until later in my mission thatI realized that the Lord does not want perfect, homogenous soldiers, but rather,He wants us to be ourselves, so that He can use our unique talents to bring soulsunto Him.

Sunday, June 9, 1996

I need to change the views that I’ve always had about my life. I havealways believed that I would someday be a leader of men—a great, moving forcein the kingdom of God. However, this is just not going to be. Elder Watkins wascalled to be our district leader. This seemed very natural to all of us, since Wattiewas such a sincere and humble missionary. However, at one level, I wasdisappointed, because I still harbored unrighteous aspirations of leadership. Ittook me time and effort to overcome those feelings, but overcome them I did, andwas all the more blessed for it.

I am an ordinary man. I have come to know that the most important thingI can do in this life is to raise up a righteous family unto the Lord. I will serveHim all my life, but as a common soldier in His army, not as a general. For now, Iwill serve. I do not need to lead. Only to serve the Redeemer of my soul, the


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Creator of Heaven and Earth, the Lord Jesus Christ, whom I love with all myheart. And so it is written, and so it must be, and so I must accept it.

Monday, June 10, 1996

I feel like we’re finally settling in to the demanding schedule of the MTC.The day went smoothly, and everyone in the district is learning to conductthemselves with quiet dignity, even Elder Hasty. I find it interesting how a groupof young men and young women, total strangers to begin with, thrown together24/7, can mesh together as a team in less than a week. I am confident that mydistrict can handle any problem, conquer any challenge, face down any situation,take on the world. I also find it interesting how quickly a reputation can beformed. Already I am the intellectual scriptorian. Ay caramba!

That night, I finally met up with an old friend from high school, BenjaminKing. He was leaving for Rome the following day, and it was exciting to see howmuch he had changed in the brief years since we had last seen each other. Ihoped that such changes were in store for me, as well, during my sojourn in theMission Training Center.

Tuesday, June 11, 1996

Today was P-Day, and despite this fact, I broke my spiritual block. I justhaven’t been feeling the spirit as strongly as I thought I should. That first weekwas long and arduous. Fatigue wore us all down, and by the time this firstPreparation Day came around, I was so tired that I felt spiritually out of step.But when I walked into the Celestial Room of the Provo Temple, the spiritwashed over me like the waves of the sea. I nearly cried.

I wrote six letters (To my family, to Adrianne Nash, and to a few others)and bore my testimony in each of them. The spirit just continued to grow. Then, Isang for Richard G. Scott in the MTC Choir and then learned of the Atonementfrom him. He spoke about searching the scriptures, and bore his testimony, atestimony, he said, that went beyond faith. He knew. At the end of his talk, hededicated time for questions and answers, and in typical talk-show style, hadushers with microphones on the prowl.

I am on fire now. The spirit is pulsing through my veins. I want to bringthis joyous message to all the world, and share the message of love and hope. Iam ready to lose myself in the work and learn what my Father can teach.

Extracts from a Letter to my Parents

“I love it here! The MTC is awesome. A spirit exists here like no other. It’sa cross between a monastery and a military camp. A monastery because you’re sosecluded and sheltered, and a military camp because of the rigorous schedule wekeep. It’s also cool to think of the 3,000 missionaries here who are buildingthemselves physically, spiritually, and mentally to go into the world and bring soulsto Christ.


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“My schedule is as follows: wake up every morning at 6:00 am. Eat breakfastat 6:30. We are in class by 7:15. We spend 45 minutes in personal gospel study.Brother Thomas comes in at 8:00 and teaches us how to teach the discussions. Weget out of class at 11:15 and go to eat lunch. At 12:30 we have some sort of activity.On Mondays it’s a Large Group Meeting. On Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdaysit’s gym. On Wednesdays and Fridays its personal study time. We are in class againat 1:45 p.m. and read the Book of Mormon in Spanish. Brother Meik comes at 2:00and teaches us the Commitment Pattern—how to use and develop our skills to teachthe gospel. We get out at 5:00 and go to dinner. Then we’re back in class at 6:00and read the Book of Mormon in English for a half hour. Sister Brady comes at 6:30and teaches us Spanish until 9:30. We then go home, write in journals, etc. and go tobed at 10:30. That’s over nine hours of classes!!! All in the same room!!! I love it!!!

“The Sunday schedule is different. We wake up at 6:00 am, like always.However, breakfast is not served on Sundays, so we take a nice leisurely shower. Orabout as leisurely as can be expected in a community bathroom—15 showers and nohot water, usually. We have a one-hour district meeting at 7:00. Priesthood meetingat 9:00, gospel study at 11:15, and then lunch. Sacrament doesn’t start until 3:00p.m. and we have a light supper afterwards. At 5:15 my comp and I go to the choirpractice, and then there is a fireside and another gospel study (kinda like SundaySchool).

“Today was P-Day, and our schedule is like this: wake up at 6:00 am. Serviceproject (cleaning the gymnasium) from 6:30 to 7:30. Breakfast, temple, lunch,laundry, and letters. And then sleeeeeeeep!!! Tonight we have a fireside (Richard G.Scott of the Twelve) and a district meeting. P-Day is officially over at 6:00 p.m..

“I’m really getting into the spirit of the work. The other day, we practicedstreet contacting. Brother Meik put us on a timer, as we role-played the scenariowith our companions. First we had to do it (that is: approach, build a relationship oftrust, prepare the contact to feel and recognize the spirit, give the contact a Book ofMormon, and make an appointment) in seven minutes. Then we had three, then oneand a half, then 30 seconds. Then we moved up, to one and a half, then three, thenseven again. The purpose of the activity was to figure out the most essential thingsthat need to be said, and build on those, rather than on other, less importantstatements. However, the overlying lesson in this and all my classes, is let yourself beguided by the spirit.

“In all my district, I’ve taken the most Spanish. This has automaticallypromoted me to Spanish Tutor. Its not an honor I would like nor am comfortablewith—I was never very good at Spanish (I got B's). However, I do help where I canand learn what I must.

“I’ve also found myself in a role that I’ve played before. Elder Hasty claimsthat I have the entire Standard Works memorized. Now, this is a role (scriptorian)that I’m comfortable and familiar with. I can deal with it easily.”


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I became so truly humble today. I noticed an aspect of my personality thatI’ve always made excuses for, and looked it squarely in the face. I wish I knewhow to overcome pride, for every time I humble myself, I feel proud that I’ve doneso, thus negating my humility. Ay caramba! Before my mission, I was the onlyperson in my family that actively attended church. Because of this, I often lostmyself to an overabundance of zealotry and devotion.

I reviewed my old Spanish grammar tonight and am now feeling muchmore confident. I am filled with excitement. I had actually been feeling a littleworried about speaking real Spanish to real Mexicans, and I was having troubleremembering some of the tenses that I had learned in Mrs. Joseph’s Spanish classback at Gateway High School. This night, I forged ahead in our Spanish textbook, reviewing those forgotten tenses, and went away from the exercise feelingmuch more confident about the future.


My excitement has given way to homesickness. That happened ratherfast, don’t you think? I received my first letters from home and I miss it! I’m notadjusting well to having a companion—I’ve always been a solitary worker, evenamong my friends. Callister was a difficult person to get close to and I often feltalienated and alone. Fister and Felley were instant best friends, and at the sametime, I was struggling to get to know my companion.

I was also struggling with some very personal issues. My struggle withpride is a losing battle. I’m not ready to serve a mission; I’m still so immature. Ihave some growing up to do. And I miss my family, my friends: Shawn, Zach,Rebekah, Jason, Darren. . . . And yet, I know this is where I should be. I still can’thelp longing for the life I left behind.


I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that the curse of my life has returned withforce. If it ever had, in fact, left me. I still suffer from a low self-esteem, thoughit manifests itself in tricky and subtle means. I know who I am and where I amgoing, but this does nothing for this new manifestation of the old curse. My viewsof myself and relationships with people are of a klutzy, spastic, awkward kid. Iknow I shouldn’t worry about this now, but I ask myself, why? Why am I notconfident in my relationships with others? Why does this curse follow mearound? I am walking a thin line between pride and self-pity.

Frequent mood swings were the norm for me in the MTC. However, sincethen I have thought that much of what was wrong with me at that time was Satanwhispering to me that I was going to fail as a missionary. On this day hereminded me of my sub-standard social skills. I didn’t know how to talk to people


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comfortably, having spent my youth and adolescence with my nose in variousbooks. Where do I turn? Only one place—my Lord and Savior.


Never mind. I’m better now. I had a dream last night about my lastweekend in Colorado with my friends at a local amusement park called ElitchGardens. It brought to my remembrance a few forgotten things. I also received aletter from Jeff Baker, a high school friend who often had more faith in me than Idid. All in all, I’m as happy as I’ve ever been. I guess this was the first of manyup-and-down cycles. It was a culmination of many things. The Lord, though, inHis ultimate goodness, has given me a chance to be happy. I can’t explain it (howmy dream helped), but I was much happier this morning.

More than anything, the dream reminded me of the love of my friends backhome and the fact that they believed in my abilities and often forgave me of myshortcomings. The events recorded in this entry taught me a profound truth:things often look better in the morning. During my mission, I learned to leave themost pressing and hopeless problems for the morning, and in the light of a newday, filled with hope, I found inspiration and answers. I am confident in myabilities and in my future. I have faith and hope in God.

Things of import today—Hermano Curtis subbed for Hermano Thomas.He told us horror stories from his mission in New York City. Hermana Brady said“De nalgas” to a group of elders which means something entirely different thanthe standard “De nada” which the situation called for.


Good Sabbath day. I feel so excited again about missionary work.Priesthood, district, and sacrament meetings were all focused on Christ. Districtmeeting focused on charity. Priesthood meeting focused on the Book of Mormoninsights into His life, and sacrament meeting on heroes and examples. OurSunday school was about Baptism, another great topic and talk. Evening firesidewas about families. And the final meeting was by far the best. It was about theBook of Mormon and the power thereof. Use it! Read it! Share it! It wasdesigned by God for the conversion of the peoples of the Last Days. The Biblewas written only to members of the Church. The Book of Mormon was written toconvince people that Jesus is the Christ; it proves the Bible is true, and in sodoing, proves its own veracity. We need to use the proper tools for the proper job.

This was humbling because I have an arsenal of Bible scriptures to provethe Book of Mormon. My preparation has been wrong. I should have beenlearning how to listen to the sprit, how to share the spirit, and how to use the Bookof Mormon. I’ll not let Blake make the same mistake. It’s the spirit that mattersmost in missionary work, and it’s the Book of Mormon which invites, sustains,and retains the spirit. Use it, Read it, Share it, Love it!


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It’s time for some serious self-reflection. And so I turn to the source thathas always made my thoughts so clear: my journal. For the Holy Spirit works itsway into my writing. I return now to the subject of humility, and morespecifically, leadership aspirations. I have always aspired to leadership positions,but very rarely have I served in them. Right now, I am serving under ElderWatkins, my DL. He is a man of rich family background, yet is the most humbleguy I ever met. He’s struggling to learn Spanish, but he’s got the biggest heart ofanyone I’ve ever known. I love him and I love serving him. He’s a great leader.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I need to learn how to be happy withbeing an ordinary soldier with superior mental attributes (not to be prideful, justtrying to consider the facts objectively). Here I am simply trying to lay thesituation on the line and be honest with myself. I had learned in the past year orso that I had certain mental gifts, among them memory and intelligence. Irecognized that they are gifts, and as such come from God. I also recognized thatI was lacking in other important abilities.

I need to learn how to serve, being aware of my strengths, but placingthose strengths at the service of my leader. I think this is an important lesson Imust learn—how to accept authority. I sustain Elder Watkins with all my heart,yet still long to lead. Maybe if I learn and appreciate lines of authority, I willsomeday be a better leader. Maybe then, when I’ve truly learned humility, theLord will deem me worthy. Until I overcome my prideful nature, the pride thatpuffs up my heart, I will never truly be a great leader.

I got mad at Felley today, ate lunch with Watkins and Tonks. Several dayspreviously, during an exercise in which we all took turns reading out loud, thedistrict decided that my reading voice had a decidedly professional sound to it.They thought that the rhythm, the cadence, the enunciation and articulationsounded like what you would hear on a book on tape. I vaguely recall that on thisday, Felley made reference to this ability of mine, and did so in a way that hethought was funny, but offended me. The fact that I can’t even recall what thecomment was demonstrates that the whole affair was rather trivial andunimportant. He later apologized for hurting my feelings, and I apologized forbeing a weenie.


My lessons in humility were for a purpose. Tonight, I was called to serveas Assistant to the Branch President. I’m excited about the calling and a littlescared. The most telling point is that the branch presidency had not made adecision on who to call until tonight. As in, after last night’s important lesson.

After the district meeting, a member of the Branch presidency, BrotherMerrill, asked a few of us to bear our testimonies, and I was included in thatsmall group along with Elders Felley and Watkins. Sometimes I finish bearing atestimony wishing I had said more or said it differently. Not so tonight. I felt


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good about what I said. The branch presidency had known since the fifth of Junethat somebody from our group would have to fill the position that Elder Gillespiewould be vacating, but their choice was held in abeyance until this evening. I washonestly shocked when the call was extended to me, and in a Forrest Gump-likeresponse, I replied simply “OK.” I realized that I should reply with greaterformality and quickly amended my response. My duties as Assistant to thePresident included orienting new missionaries, planning sacrament meeting, andassisting the district leaders in their responsibilities.

In addition, as I walked down my hall tonight, I heard a group singing“God be with you till me meet again.” Think, Nathan. Last summer, what thatsong said to you. Perhaps God has forgiven you and you are again on the righttrack. On a visit to the Temple Square the summer after I graduated from highschool, I left the Tabernacle with this song playing on the organ. I felt certainthat someday I would be a leader in the Kingdom of God. This evening I thoughtthat perhaps the promise had been renewed, that I was to lead people inrighteousness someday. However, not only did I still struggle with leadershipaspirations, I still struggled with learning how to be a leader.


“Well, it’s P-Day again. And again I’m doing my laundry. Only this time myroommates and I are here in the laundry room at 4:45 am to beat the crowds. Lastweek, we did it at 1:00 p.m. and it was impossible to find a dryer; this week we’re ontop of things.

“I said the opening prayer in sacrament meeting on Sunday. We havebranches at the MTC, not wards. Branches are quite a bit smaller. We have 48missionaries in our branch, possibly fewer, I’m not sure.

“This upcoming week is going to be hectic. Not only are we going to have arecord number of missionaries here, but there is also a new mission president’s classgoing on all week. It’ll be cool because all sorts of General Authorities will becoming through here.

“I’m learning and growing a lot. I can bear testimony in Spanish, as well aspray and sing in Spanish. Now, if only I could carry on a conversation. I’m doingfine, you can put your mind at ease for another week.”


God is so awesome! This week, 138 new mission presidents are attendingclasses at the MTC, including President Dennis Brown, from my home ward. Iwas hoping to see him, to remind me of home. And I did. At the precise momentI was thinking of it. Five years later, Sister Kathy Brown would be instrumental inkeeping me active in my home ward. I was going through a tough time in my life,taking a semester off from school, and not feeling very connected to anyone oranything in the ward. Sister Brown found me one Sunday, reading a church bookin the foyer during Sunday school, and asked me to substitute as a temporaryprimary teacher (she was Primary President). I said yes, and three weeks later,


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in sacrament meeting, I was sustained to that position in a more or lesspermanent capacity. Sister Brown was such a spiritually perceptive woman, andthat September she found a way for me to feel needed in my home ward.

Lessons in leadership: Today I made a comment to Tonks. Whereasyesterday it would have been just another dumb joke, today it was unrighteousdominion. The previous night, we had learned about how to word our prayers informal language. Tonks didn’t quite do it right today, and after the prayer, Imade a silly comment about it. Perhaps, some of the others thought that I wascorrecting him in my capacity as AP, and thus overstepping the bounds of mycalling. I was just being myself, making a silly joke, and thus annoyed a fewmembers of my district. People watch leaders, and I don’t like it. I’ve never beengood under scrutiny. I feel like I need to set an example, yet my personality islacking. I tend to make stupid jokes at inappropriate times and know nothing ofrighteous leadership. I’m not equal to the task, and I’m afraid I’ve already lostdistrict and companion support. Today we heard talks from Elders Joseph B.Wirthlin, Dallin H. Oaks, Thomas S. Monson, and Boyd K. Packer.


Not a lot happened today. I taught Hermana Lipiec (pronounced LIP-ic)the fourth principle of the first discussion, relating to her the Joseph Smith Story.We had not yet started teaching the discussions in Spanish, but that day I reallyfelt the spirit.

I’m having a few problems with my companion. I feel like he’s notopening up, giving our companionship 100%. I feel like he’s very cold anddistant towards me. As mentioned earlier, Callister was a hard person to get toknow, a very private individual. He was the youngest in his family, and all of hisolder brothers had served missions. His presence in the MTC was a matter ofcourse for him, while for me every new experience set me on fire and filled mewith the spirit. Perhaps it was this difference in our varied approaches thatbrought me to this unfair assessment of his character.

I’m on fire with the spirit. I can’t wait to get into the field. Felleyreceived a pair of pants from Hermano Thomas. Of all our teachers, we wereclosest to Hermano Thomas. He was a young man, recently married, andexpecting his first child. Hermano Thomas served his mission in Chile, and heunderstood how the MTC could at the same time both thrill and numb the soul.The endless monotony could really tear down a missionary’s enthusiasm. Toremedy this ailment, he often took us on unauthorized walks around the MTCcompound, walking backwards in front of us and quizzing us in order to justify thetime outside of the classroom. He knew that getting us out of the classroom, evenfor a short time, would be enough to renew our vigor and our studies would be allthe more disciplined because of it. He understood us and understood that rulessometimes had to be broken in order to bring about a grater good. We were hislast MTC district, and before we all left, he gave us each a neck tie, except forFelley, who for some reason, received a pair of pants.


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I’m loving life again. I’m feeling confident again in my abilities.Hermano Meik and I discussed my relationship with Callister and prayed about it.Every Friday, we had a personal interview with one of our instructors. HermanoMeik was the most spiritual of our three MTC teachers. He had served hismission in Argentina, and as our instructor in the Commitment Pattern, taught usmuch about listening to the spirit and helping others to feel the spirit. In ourinterview today, he demonstrated how the Commitment Pattern could be used inreal life, helping me to find my own answers to the problems I was facing. Hehelped me to bridge the gap with my companion.

At dinner, Callister and I talked more than we usually have done. Later, Ilearned that he comes across as somewhat distant with some others in our district,as well. I had an opportunity to ask him if I had done anything to upset him. Hereplied in the negative. God does answer prayers.

In two days, I’ll be AP. I know that God will help me in this calling.


I overcame homesickness today in remembering my “CrowningPhilosophy.” Before my mission, I often thought about the nature of RomanticLove. My conclusions were what I called my Crowning Philosophy, and includedsuch things as the importance of a solid friendship and the need for a mutualtestimony of the gospel. That day, I had been reminiscing about past girlfriendsand wondering about my future, and in all making myself homesick. As Iremembered these earlier musings, I was reminded me of where I should beplacing my focus.

Elder Callister and I have been talking and laughing a lot. God isawesome. He knows how to best heal my pains. I love Him and will serve Himforever. I recommitted myself once again to the Work.


Another great Sabbath. I was made AP today. Found out that AmandaCochran, whom I home taught at BYU, is coming into the MTC this week andwill be in my Branch. She received her mission call to Germany a week before Ireceived mine to Mexico, and shortly thereafter, we attended an endowmentsession together at the Provo Temple. I’m looking forward to seeing her again.

I had a humbling experience tonight, concerning pre-judgment. In our PMGospel Study, one young elder seemed rather odd. He raised his hand and told astory about hearing voices in the temple, and talking to the person for whom hewas going through the endowment session. Our entire district looked at eachother in bafflement, thinking that this guy was crazy. Elders Felley and Hastyexerted an admirable effort to stifle their laughter. However, the closing hymn


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for that meeting was “Love One Another,” which humbled me. I should not judgemy fellow servants. In a similar meeting a month later, this same individual tolda story in which he revealed that he grew up in a polygamous colony and wasphysically and sexually abused. Why he chose to share this in a large groupmeeting, I do not know. What I do know is that I should not judge another, for“in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can’t see.”

Not a lot to say. I’m tired. Just preformed first official act as AP—Ichecked the Captain out of his room. Captain Moroni was Hasty’s nickname forone of the two enormously tall elders who occupied the other two bunks in hisroom. Wilt the Stilt and the Captain were both going to English-speakingmissions, and so left us after only three weeks.


Today was a cool experience. During our evening class, we begandiscussing the gathering of the Lost Tribes of Israel. I found myself, all of asudden, in the middle of a group consisting of Tonks, Watkins, Felley, andCallister as I expounded on some of the things I’ve learned in my own studies. Iloved it! I loved helping other people. I loved leading others in their pursuit anddesire for knowledge. All of a sudden, I wanted to learn more. I want to knowthe entire History of Israel and Judah. And so, after class, I started reading theBible Dictionary.

This morning I taught Discussion 1, Principle 1 to Tonks and Fister inSpanish. I think I did okay. This was our first teaching experience in Spanish.Afterwards, we went to a Large Group Meeting on the spirit. It was dang cool. Iloved it.


Noah leaves for the mission field in Guayaquil, Ecuador tomorrow. Iswung by his apartment tonight and said good-bye. I’m proud of that slug. Hewas the only one of my high school buddies that no one thought would serve amission, not even himself. I’m going to miss him.

The mountains are on fire, and I can see the smoke and flames from myapartment. Pretty cool.

Change of MTC presidency tonight. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin was onhand to reorganize the power structure. I had the opportunity to sustain the newpresident. I’m on fire still. I know this work is true and I want to be the kind ofmissionary that is obedient and stuff.

I have an AP meeting. Every Tuesday night there was a meeting of all theAP’s in the building. I can’t remember who presided at these informalgatherings, but it was a time to air out frustrations and resolve conflicts betweenbranches. I love it here.


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“On Saturday, we started learning the discussions in Spanish. The words arewritten right there on the page, but we have to come up with our own questions.“¿Que cree que es Dios?” (How do you believe God is?) or “¿Que piensas de Dios?”(What do you think about God?) Everybody is having a good time teaching andlearning the Spanish charlas (discussions).

“Tomorrow, I have twenty-three new missionaries coming into the branch. Iremember how dazed and confused I was on that first day and how thankful I wasfor Elder Gillespie and his orientation meeting. I’m excited about returning thefavor by helping this new group fit into the MTC lifestyle.

“After three weeks now together, everyone has buckled down and begun tostudy. We’re even more of a team now than ever before. Elder Watkins, ourfearless leader (he’s our district leader), is so rad. I wish I could be more like him.He leads in such a quiet, humble, loving, dignified way. And we’ve got someawesome individuals besides him, too. There’s Sister Lipiec from Ontario, Canadawho has a dying mother back home, whose best friend committed suicide on theweekend before she entered the MTC, and so forth. She is so strong. I admire herfaith and perseverance.

“One of the other teachers, who teaches the class next to ours, is a returnedmissionary from Tampico. Hermano Frandsen is his name. He comes in often andwe ask him tons of questions about the mission. It seems that it’s not too far behindAmerica, meaning they have McDonald’s and stuff. However, there are no hotshowers, he said. In one area, he even had to sleep on a dirt floor.”


I welcomed the new districts today. Since we had two in-coming districts,President Gappmeyer suggested that I ask Elders Hasty and Castillo to aid me inmy tasks. Callister and Castillo took one district, and Hasty and I took theGermans. Hasty, as the district clown, was much more relaxed in front of thegroup than I was, which made me feel all the more inadequate. I had not, as yet,developed my own personal leadership style, and I thought that I had to bring thebest of Hasty, Felley, Fister, and Watkins to bear in my own personality.

After the meeting, I reflected on my apparent shortcomings. I now have anugly fact staring me in the face. I am not the Great Leader I’ve always wanted tobe. I am neither strong enough nor courageous enough to lead people. MaybeGod only gave me this position as AP to show me my weaknesses and teach me alesson about aspiring to leadership. Even though I’m serving in a capacity that isbeyond my abilities, I am going to give it everything I’ve got. I’m going to try myhardest. I owe it to the branch, to the church, and to my Savior to serve with100% of my heart. I will not let my Lord down. I will do my best.


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Another day, another doubt. Can I really be a leader of men? Am I strongenough to be an example? Am I courageous enough to set the standard? Onlytime and the Lord can tell.

Today I went onto BYU campus to go to the Health Center for Callister’sankle. He had twisted it during a basketball game during gym on P-Day and hadbeen hobbling around for the last two days. We finally convinced him to get somemedical attention. It was nice to drive through my old haunting grounds. I missSuzie and Weston. She was one of the best friends I’ve ever had. He helped methrough a tough period in my life. He was my freshman year roommate. She washis girlfriend. They were my closest friends during that first lonely year awayfrom home. I hope everything works out between them. In the final analysis,Suzie "Dear-Johned" Weston, not just the customary one time, but after repentingof that mistake, she "Dear-Johned" him an unprecedented second time.

I enjoyed the day; I think I’ve earned the trust and respect of the newdistricts. If this were true, what was I whining about at the beginning of theentry? I think that I had once again overstepped my authority and donesomething that I should have delegated to Watkins. My district may have beenmad at me.


Another day, another doubt. I don’t mean to be negative. I’m having agreat time. I’m learning much and loving the complete focus I have on the gospel.It’s just that I’m not sure how to be a leader. I want to set an example: study hard,etc. I had this image of what a righteous leader should do and say, and I was notmeasuring up to that internal standard I had set for myself. I had not yet realizedthat righteous leadership is as varied as the individuals who serve, and there aremany different ways that I could have made my mark.

My hang-up today was the following. By my very nature I love to laughand have fun, sometimes at inappropriate times. “I frequently fell into manyfoolish errors, and displayed the foibles of youth and human nature. . . I was guiltyof levity."”(JS History 1:28). Joseph Smith has always been my hero. I want tobe more like him; I want to lead like him, to know God and serve God as he did.


Fighting monotony. It’s been encroaching for the last three days. I’mdown on myself for not giving 100% of my best effort. Again, I felt that laughingand goofing off was not part of the righteous missionary’s day. Because of that,I’ve just not been extremely happy the last couple of days.

I met Pedro today. He’s from Mexico and he bore us his testimony inSpanish. We met him at lunch after Hermano Thomas’s class. He was at the


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MTC to serve as an investigator to a group practicing the charlas. He bore us histestimony and it moved all of us. I cried. Lipiec cried. Everyone cried.

I also bore my testimony in Spanish to a new district down the hall frommy own. I was on fire. I was excited. And then the monotony returned.Monotony is a constant risk in the Mission Training Center. Oddly, theexperience is both new and exciting and boring and old, all at the same time. Ourdistrict began combating the debilitating effects of monotony by dreaming aboutWattie’s cabin.

We had discovered that Elder Watkins, our DL, came from a fairly richand affluent family, though none of us would have guessed it from his humble andunassuming personality. His family owned a cabin outside of West Yellowstone,Montana, and so we began to make plans for a District 60-B reunion after themission was over. Talking and daydreaming about visiting the cabin, water-skiing on the lake, and hiking through the woods, became an activity that wewould resort to during the times when the interminable nature of our studies hungdepressingly over us. The dream took on a life of its own, becoming a symbol ofwhat would be ours if we would only serve faithfully and complete our missionswith honor.


Well, I woke up this morning realizing I haven’t been praying as much as Ishould be. The opening song at sacrament meeting was “Did You Think ToPray?” The opening song at the fireside was “I Need Thee Every Hour.” The talkat the fireside was about prayer. Holy guilt trip, Batman.

Earlier that evening, I faced my first serious challenge as Assistant to thePresident. I had a talk with AP59, who had a problem with my District E.Apparently the district under discussion was making a lot of noise at night,celebrating their imminent release from the MTC into the field. AP59 asked me todo something about the level of rowdiness in my branch. While we were talking,Elder McCormac, the DL of district E, inserted himself into the conversation andbegan arguing with AP59. I stood idly by, confused, not knowing what wasexpected of me. I finally came down on the side of AP59, and Elder McCormacstormed off.

We continued our discussion when we were yet again interrupted bymembers of the district. District E took it personally, and it nearly came to blows.One elder had to be physically restrained. I prayed to Heavenly Father that hewould make me equal to the task. This all happened immediately before ourevening gospel study, and I suffered through that whole meeting, wondering whatI was going to do, how I was going to mend my relationship with District E.During that time, the spirit whispered to me a scripture about righteousleadership, which admonishes leaders to show forth an increase of love after asharp rebuke. I talked to McCormac, the DL. Everything is good. I talked withthe entire district in a spirit of love, expressing to them that I was on their side,but that I didn’t want them to get into trouble or break the rules.


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This was my first leadership challenge in the mission field. I was neverreally comfortable talking to people, and especially not when they were angrywith me. This was the first time that, as a leader, I had to lay down the law andcall someone to repentance. This was also the first time that I realized that I hada leadership style of my own, as I went about fixing the situation, not with harshwords or blown-up polemics, but with a spirit of love and reconciliation. I did nothave to be bold and daring as a leader, I just had to love those I served.

The district leaders for the new districts were called tonight. Watkins andI trained them. One of the new District Leaders was an Elder Nathan Smith,called to serve the German district. He had been the best friend of one of mycollege roommates, and, perhaps because of this fact, he and I quickly becameclose friends during our time together in the MTC. I spent long hours in his roomtalking to him and learning from him. I like being a leader, sort of. I still thinkI’m only an average one.

Monday, July 1, 1996

Happy Canada Day, eh! Yesterday I caught my second wind and today hasbeen great. I’ve refocused on the work, placing upon the altar of sacrificeeverything I have or have had. I press forward enjoying my time at the MTC, yetlooking forward to getting into the field.

Today I taught the first charla in Spanish to another elder. This mysteriousother elder was a member of another Spanish-speaking district who was perhapstwo weeks behind us. There were many opportunities like this to practice onother elders, though most practices remained within our own district. Towardsthe end of our seemingly interminable training, we practiced more and more withother districts. I think Callister and I did fairly well.

I am looking forward to P-Day tomorrow and catching up on my sleep.It’s amazing how tired you become sitting down twelve hours a day. Oh well.

Tuesday, July 2, 1996

Another great day. I still have a lot to do tonight: a hall council, brief talkswith my district leaders, and scriptures.

I wonder if the elders in my District are treating the hermanas with theproper respect that I’ve always believed women should be treated. I don’t know ifI should say anything, maybe just set the example. This is a perfect example ofwhy I failed so often as a leader in the MTC. I often went along with the groupuntil my conscience pricked me. However, by then it was too late. I could neverask those I led to change and repent when I myself had participated in thetransgression. It didn’t matter that I felt remorse and desired a change in myselfas well. To those I was called to lead, I was often just another one of theparticipants. In this case, the lack of respect that I agonized over was just simplytreating the sister missionaries like one of the guys—joking with them, oftenpassing gas in the middle of class, and so forth. This also explains why I had


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much better luck leading the other districts in the branch—they never saw myeveryday imperfections.

Wednesday, July 3, 1996

I torqued off Sister Brady tonight. I wasn’t taking my Spanish lessons tooseriously, and was making dumb jokes instead of applying myself. She would casta sharp look in my direction and I would feel sheepish and ashamed. However, intrying to make it better, I only made it worse. I would apologize, and then I wouldjust go back to doing the same thing. She finally snapped at me and said that if Iwere truly apologetic I would quit with the dumb jokes. Then the fire alarm wentoff and we were excused early. Good thing, too. Another five minutes in thatroom and she would have killed me.

I welcomed a new district today. They are English speaking, going toTexas. Now, of the four districts in the branch, ours is the most senior. This onlyadds to the weight of authority and responsibility that is already burdening myshoulders. How could I ever have aspired to this and more?

Thursday, July 4, 1996

We got to stay up to 11:00 p.m. to watch the fireworks display fromCougar Stadium. We had the best seats in the MTC—the top floor of the tallestbuilding. From our vantage point, Callister, Stauffer, Taylor and I could almostlook down into the stadium. Behind the stadium was a fascinating electricalstorm, and thus we saw fireworks shooting up from the stadium and lightningflashing across the sky in between launches. We sat in a darkened classroom andenjoyed our extra half hour of leniency. It was dang cool.

Not much else happened today. I’m having more doubts about myself as amissionary. I’m just too scared of people. I’m not good at social situations. Weall have strength and we all have weaknesses. As indicated earlier, I felt that mystrength was intelligence; I had a sound understanding of the scriptures and ofthe gospel. However, my weaknesses seemed glaring at times—my social skillswere underdeveloped. People made me uncomfortable, and the idea that I mighthave to tell a complete stranger to repent and change his mode of livingfrightened me. Without this key skill, how could I ever succeed in the missionfield? I think I’m going to live out the remainder of my days as an old hermit andbachelor. Just me and Zach and the Couch.

I saw Brent today. Made me both happy and sad. I almost wish I werehome. What am I doing here?

Friday, July 5, 1996

I can’t believe that I’m already halfway done with my experience here atthe Empty Sea. In just over a month, I’ll be in Mexico. Ay caraches!


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I figured something out today. There is a reason why I struggle with prideone minute, and low self-esteem the next. It’s a question that has followed me forsome time. I talked about it briefly in one of my other journals. It’s not “Who amI?”, but it’s closely related. Where do I belong? What role do I play in theKingdom of God and in the world in general? What meaning will my life have?

Callister and I were walking in the front of the MTC today and saw one ofour new elders, sitting on the grass, his bags packed. He was being sent home! Itreally dampened my day. Especially since he was one of the three elders that Iwas going to recommend as district leader.

Deep philosophical musings today at dinner, about the meaning and valueof life, and the price and cost of following Christ.

Saturday, July 6, 1996

I’m having problems feeling confident in my social skills. How can I be amissionary if I can’t talk to people? I can find my place someday, but how do Iovercome these manifestations of low self-esteem? Other than this, I’m having agreat time. I’m learning a lot and feeling confident as a minister of Christ. If Ican only overcome this low self-esteem.

At some point during these weeks, a screw came loose in my glasses, andthey fell apart on me in the middle of class. I sent them back home, rememberingthat the store that sold them to me had a one-year guarantee. My parents fixedthem up and sent them back. For a whole week in the Missionary Training CenterI walked around in a blurry haze.

Sunday, July 7, 1996

Wow! Another great Sabbath. I taught the new district in the morning; Ifeel like I did a good job. Usually, the DL is in charge of teaching (or delegating)the lesson for the morning district meeting. However, in a new district without aDL, the AP would teach the first lesson. Thus, I rarely had the opportunity toattend my own district meetings.

Every week, all the district leaders met with the branch presidency, todiscuss the needs of the branch. Sister Lipiec also met with us; she served asHead Sister for the branch. It was a calling that no one else in our district knewshe had. She was a very caring individual and tried so hard to be a friend to allthe sisters in the branch. In that morning’s meeting, we discussed a sister, whosename I know not, who is having severe emotional problems. Sister Lipiec hasbeen handling the situation at the expense of her sleep, but today we discussedprofessional help. I pray for her, that she might overcome.

During the mission conference, which was held on the first Sunday ofevery month, we heard of the “Jesus Seminar,” a group of left-wing minister thathas declared that the Resurrection is a myth and that Jesus was not the literal Sonof God. The Book of Mormon says otherwise. I foresaw a time when the


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knowledge of Christ shall wane, and “Mormons” shall be the only ones to declarethat Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God.

In his capacity as our spiritual leader, President Gappmeyer had theresponsibility of conducting three interviews with each member of our district—an entrance interview, a mid-term interview, and an exit interview. That Sunday,our district had our mid-term interview with the branch president. PresidentGappmeyer told me I was doing a fine job as a leader. He says that other eldershe’s talked with have a lot of respect for me. That’s all good, I suppose.

Tonight we had a great fireside about being who you want to be, and thenanother one about drawing closer to the Savior. I haven’t been as close to Him asI should be. I need to rely on Him like I never have before. The focus of the workis not my own abilities, but on the love of the Savior and His Atonement.

Monday, July 8, 1996

This was the day of my most extreme emotional burn-out. We werepracticing with each other, doing an exercise in which we extended the invitationto pay tithing. My companion, playing the investigator, brought up some verygood doubts, and realizing that I would have to give satisfactory answers to realpeople suffering real economic hardships and struggling with real issues, I froze.I stared vacantly into space, wondering what the heck I was doing as amissionary if I lacked the ability to read a person’s emotions, and from that toknow what to say.

Hermano Meik, seeing the bleak gaze of despair on my face, pulled mefrom class, and found an empty room. In tears, I told him there was no way Icould be a missionary, since I had no idea how to deal with people, nor thecourage to say something that, while righteous and timely, could still be veryoffensive and hurtful. I had a long talk with Hermano Meik. I had hit a wall that Ifelt was insurmountable. My confidence in talking to people had completelydisappeared and I was uncertain if I would be able to fulfill my obligations as amessenger of the Lord.

I love Hermano Meik. We talked it out. I’m ready to go on, with fullreliance in the Lord. I just wish I knew who I wanted to be. I have no tact,basically no social skills whatsoever. Anyways, I’m this dichotomy of confidenceand inconfidence. I know the gospel; I can’t work with people.

Tuesday, July 9, 1996

Our district was assigned to clean the gym, and felt lucky that we haddrawn such a choice assignment. Other districts vacuumed dorms and scrubbedtoilets; ours swept the indoor track and cleaned off the basketball courts. Of allthe chores we had to choose from, I enjoyed the solitary ones the most. I lovedsweeping outside, because I enjoyed being alone in the early morning air.

It was on such a morning that I had this amazing epiphany. Today, I wassweeping outside the gym, singing “Last Farewell,” a song by Jeff Goodrich that


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speaks of the martyrdom of the Prophet. Of a sudden, the spirit filled me and Iremembered all I had learned about the life of Brother Joseph. I then cried, for Iknew that he was a prophet. I cried because I finally understood the immensepower of the Spirit of God. I could rely upon this spirit to testify to myinvestigators with the same power that it testified to me that morning. I could relyupon this spirit to carry my insufficient words to the hearts of my listeners withconviction.

I placed some names on the prayer roll, among them the nameless sisterwhom we had discussed in correlation meeting. Later, our district went througha hearing impaired endowment session. They had an extra television set next tothe large screen, and on the TV was a video with a lady translating theendowment into American Sign Language. I took part in the prayer circle. I had agreat endowment, and once again felt the spirit’s purifying influence.

Then, later tonight, Carlos E. Asay spoke about the Prophet. It waswonderful. I know that he was a prophet. The talk focused on eight tests of a trueprophet. This was another of those rare moments when I took notes, and Iactually carried those notes with me for the rest of my mission.

Last night, the whole district gathered in our dorm room, laughing,talking, having a good time. In the middle of it all, I slipped out and went nextdoor to the other dorm, now empty. There I knelt down beside Elder Tonks’ bed,and poured out my heart in prayer. I cried to the Lord. I said, “This is what I’vedone wrong in my life. If you still want me to serve, let me know.” Wham! Thespirit filled me. I said, if I were to serve, I needed Him to make me equal to thetask, to help me to overcome my fear of people. If I’m going to succeed as amissionary, I need Him. I know He’ll help. I felt an outpouring of love from onhigh; I received my answer, returned to the district, and determined that I wouldface the future with hope and optimism.


“My Spanish is coming along great, better than it ever was in high school. Ithink part of it is that we have incentive to learn; we’ll be using it in a month. Mostimportant, however, is the spirit. You just really can’t beat God as a tutor.Sometime I can speak well, sometimes I can’t. The difference is that sometimes Ihave the spirit, and sometimes I don’t.”

Wednesday, July 10, 1996

You know what? If I try to please everyone, I end up pleasing no one,myself included. If I try to be everything, I only end up making myself depressed.The only One who matters is Christ. Worries about friends and family fade in theface of His Atonement. He is the only One I need to please. And if I play to mystrengths, and admit my weaknesses, He will make me an instrument in Hishands. This last thought was something that the spirit had whispered to meMonday night, as I knelt in prayer next to Elder Tonks’ bunk. The Spirit told methat I should use my talents unabashedly, yet be fully aware of my limitations, and


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then the Lord would bless me. “If the Lord should command me, I could do allthings.”

Today, Felley pushed me over a chair. Very funny. This occurred duringa rather boisterous class exercise. Felley bumped into me, and overreacting, Itoppled over my desk. He felt bad, which was precisely why I did it. I was veryupbeat this afternoon. Part of it may have been because we finally got our travelplans.


“Just a quick note to let you know that I have my travel plans. They go asfollows:

“I leave the MTC at 3:30 in the morning on August 5. I leave Salt Lake onUnited flight 776 at 7:10. I arrive in San Francisco an hour and forty-eight minuteslater, 7:58 local time, 8:58 your time. We have a three-and-a-half-hour layover in SanFran.

“We leave San Fran at 11:30 on United flight 1011. We arrive in Mexico Cityfour hors and thirteen minutes later, 5:43 local time, 4:43 your time. I have a three-hour layover in Mexico City. I leave Mexico City at 8:35 on Mexicana flight 748. Iarrive in Tampico fifty-five minutes later, 9:30 local time, 8:30 your time.

“Just thought you’d like to know.”


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District 60-BFront row: Elders Callister, Stauffer, Tonks, Sisters Lipiec and Bachman.

Middle row: Elders Taylor, and Hasty.Back row: Elders Fister, Felley, Castillo, Watkins, and Barrett.

Elder BarrettStudying the gospel


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Hermanas Lipiec and Bachmanwith Elder Callister studying in the Mission Training Center

Yet another study periodElders Tonks, Watkins, and Stauffer

01--Mission Training Center

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