Www.yoursocialworker.com 1 Who's at my door and why should I let you in? Challenges and strategies to forming relationships with difficult to reach kids.
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www.yoursocialworker.com 1
Who's at my door and why should I let you in?
Challenges and strategies to forming relationships with
difficult to reach kids
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSWwww.yoursocialworker.com
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The Four Spheres of a Child’s Life
Biology
Psychology
Family Society
CHILD
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Hardwired
Biology
Genetics
Pre-natal care
Environmental toxins
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Hardwired and Softwired
Psychology
TemperamentPersonalityIntelligence
Cognitive activityBehaviour
Mood - Affect
Self-Esteem
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Within or Beyond One’s Control?
Society
School
FriendsExtracurricular activitiesReligion
Internet
Community
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Where Life is First Learned
Family
IntactBlendedSingle parentAdoptedStep Rules, routines
Conflict management
Emotional expressionNurturance
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Psychosocial development
Our progress through each stage of development is in part determined by our success, or lack of success, in all the previous stages.
Eric Erikson and the epigenetic principle.
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We evolve through social interaction
Socialization imprints on personality and our personality impacts on others. Their reaction to our personality then determines our socialization… and so on.
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Walk a mile in their shoes…
Formative experiences teach us how to interact with the world.
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We are determined by our formative experiences
I thought the whole world was just like me, until we moved away.. Then I learned I was different.
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0 – 1 year old
What’s Going on Developmentally?
The time of attachment
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2 – 4 Year Olds
What’s Going on Developmentally?
Rapprochement – the time to venture forth…
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5 – 12 Year Olds
What’s Going on Developmentally?
Cognitive explosion and moral development
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Teen Boys and Girls
What’s Going on Developmentally?
Social rapprochement and developing of intimate relationships
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Harmful Events
Neglect Emotional abuse Psychological abuse Physical abuse Sexual abuse
Intra-familial vs. Extra-familial Witnessing domestic violence Loss
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Harmful Events Affect Behaviour
Behavioral, social, and emotional problems higher levels of aggression, anger, hostility,
oppositional behavior, and disobedience; fear, anxiety, withdrawal, and depression; poor peer, sibling, and social relationships; low self-esteem.
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It hurts them…
Cognitive and attitudinal problems lower cognitive functioning, poor school
performance, lack of conflict resolution skills, limited problem-solving skills, acceptance of violent behaviors and attitudes, belief in rigid gender stereotypes and male privilege.
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…and can last a lifetime.
Long-term problems During childhood, harmful events can disrupt the child’s
ability to form meaningful attachments. This in turn affects relationships with others who may be poised to help.
Higher levels of adult depression and trauma symptoms, increased tolerance for and use of violence in adult relationships
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Signs of Disturbance
Anxiety and Depression
A feeling associated with fear or dread for an negatively anticipated outcome.
A feeling associated with a of loss. The loss can be tangible or psychological.
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Signs of Disturbance
•Missed school or poor school performance•Changes in eating and sleeping habits•Withdrawal from friends and activities once enjoyed •Persistent sadness and hopelessness•Problems with authority•Indecision, lack of concentration or forgetfulness•Poor self-esteem or guilt•Overreaction to criticism•Frequent physical complaints, such as headaches and stomachaches•Anger and rage•Lack of enthusiasm, low energy or motivation•Drug and/or alcohol abuse•Thoughts of death or suicide
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Signs of Disturbance
Other issues affecting behaviour:
ADD/ADHD
Learning differences
Language and auditory processing disorders
Attachment difficulties
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The World of the Parent(s)
Perhaps the same as for the child Domestic violence? Drug/Alcohol dependency Depression / Anxiety Poor self esteem Guilt? Jealousy? Fear? Immigration issues if from another country Custody/access issues Money
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Worker Characteristics
Motivation School requirement – volunteer hours Righting a personal past wrong Altruism / charity / good deed
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Take one part child, one part parent
and one part worker… Blend.
There is AWAYS more than just you and the child involved in EVERY meeting or interaction:
Child and their history and worldParent(s) and their history and worldMentor and their history and worldAgency with rules, expectations and responsibilities
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Rules, Expectations and Responsibilities
Confidentiality Child protection Reports …and?
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RESPECT
1. Polite expressions of consideration or deference
2. Willingness to show consideration or appreciation
3. To avoid violation of or interference with
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Support without interfering - boundaries
Active listening Reflecting the message Avoidance of Argument Avoidance of Control Unconditional positive regard Willingness for another to be separate
Carl Rogers – The Person-Centred Relationship
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Structure/Routine
Check in with parent before and after Check in with child – tune in – before and after Have a regular format - a beginning and an
end
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Pace
Rapport is a byproduct of relationship building over time
The turtle vs. the hare The goal is the relationship – not the fun. Fun is a tool for building the relationship, not
an end in itself!
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Beginnings
There is no reason to expect trust Trust is earned over time Trust is built as a byproduct of decency, manners,
appropriate behaviour and BEING ON TIME – EVERYTIME.
Trust is also a function of permission – approval from the parent for the child’s activity!
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Endings
May mirror past losses May seek to avoid with poor behaviour Is best when by mutual consent Transition vs. loss
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Managing Behaviour
How you respond will determine what you get back.
Here’s how it all works…
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RAISING KIDS WITHOUT RAISING CANE
The story of the two dogs…
The dog that wins is the one your feed.
Which dog do you feed?
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RAISING KIDS WITHOUT RAISING CANE
Set Up For Success
Always have children's attention when talking and give them all the information necessary to do what is expected, appropriate to their level of understanding.
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RAISING KIDS WITHOUT RAISING CANE
The Power Of Feedback
Provide the right information so children know what you want. Provide feedback to let children know they are on the right track to help the desired behaviour get repeated.
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RAISING KIDS WITHOUT RAISING CANE
Key Ingredients to Self Esteem
•Valuing
•Competency
•Structure.
•Doing good deeds
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RAISING KIDS WITHOUT RAISING CANE
Praise And Self Esteem
Praise is necessary but not sufficient. To facilitate healthy self-esteem provide generous amounts of valuing, opportunities to develop competency, opportunities for doing good deeds, and structure.
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RAISING KIDS WITHOUT RAISING CANE
Negotiating
Negotiating offers a process where both sides can come away winners. Sometimes parents have to remember to let go a little.
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RAISING KIDS WITHOUT RAISING CANE
You are always on!
Be aware of how you are interacting while in the company of children. Children are more aware than we sometimes realize. Children will always learn more from what we do than what we say. We call this… Role Modelling.
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Who's at my door and why should I let you in?
I am at your door and I am here to be your mentor –a partner in your development. I will respect our differences, work to gain your trust and through activities and our time together, present myself as a positive role model.
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Who's at my door and why should I let you in?
Challenges and strategies to forming relationships with
difficult to reach kids
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSWwww.yoursocialworker.com
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