Transcript
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We Dont Wanna
Drew Adams
1We Dont Wanna
Drew Adams
February 25, 2012 (Version 3)
Cast
Cipriani- 30s
Adrian- 20s
Bollock- late 40s
Crooked Cop- overweight 30s
(A casino, roulette table, next to a bar.)
Adrian
(hands money to the dealer)
Three hundred bucks in chips.. uh.. give it to me in fifties...
Cipriani
(like a mobster, Italian stereo type.)
Hey man you got it..
Adrian
(fumbling around looking for a place to stick his chips)
Ok.... hmmm.. uh..
Cipriani
Only outside bets..
Adrian
(fumbling around looking for a place to stick his chips)
Right, right... only outside bets.. lets see um nope nope not red...
Cipriani
(a little annoyed with Adrian)
Oy...
Adrian
(putting all of his chips on red.)
Okay... right there.
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Cipriani
(sticks the thingy that stops people from
grabbing at chips down on the table.)
Ok, good good last call...last call
Adrian
(starts to reach over at his chips.)
Cipriani
(Sprays Adrian with water from a spray
bottle)
No.. no..bad dog sit...
Adrian
(slumps in his stool)
Cipriani
(Roulette wheel stops spinning lands on
red)
Adrian
(Does a dorky little victory dance)
Yes! Woo! Yeah oh yea! OH YEA!!! YEA!! RED!! YEA!! CHEDDA!!!
(Reaches out to get his chips)
Cipriani
(Quickly takes the chips away,
and deposits them.)
Adrian
What the hell what are you doing.
Cipriani
My job.
Adrian
What the hell are you talking about? Arent you going to pay me?
Cipriani
We dont wanna.
Adrian
(imitating Cipriani)
You dont wanna?
Cipriani
We donta havta and we dont wanna.
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Adrian
But I won right.
Cipriani
Well sure technically, but you donta posses that... you know that
winnin quality..
AdrianWha...What what are you talking about? Where is my money?
Cipriani
(Expressive Italian gestures.)
You know you aint got that special badabing, you haven't got that
badabing.
Adrian
(Angrily.)
What the hell is the badabing!? Huh what are you even... you owe methree hundred dollars!
Cirpiani
(Angrily in Itallian)
Ehi, non hai che budda bing non posso fare nulla.
Adrian
I dont speak Italian...
Cirpriani
Maybe if you did, you might have that badda bing..
Adrian
Ok ok ok, lets take this slow...
Cipriani
Okay funny boy.....ok come on I dare yous you call me slow one more
time! I punch you in the head okay...
Adrian
Oh yea... okay lets just take this from the top... lets explain this
to your nimble little mind so you know exactly what is wrong here Iput down exactly 300 dollars on red...
Cipriani
Okay.
Adrian
Then it came up Red.
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Cipriani
Yep. Yea Red.
Adrian
Now you should pay six hundred dollars.
Cipriani
We dont wanna. You aint got the badda bing!
Adrian
What are you on drugs...
Cipriani
Hey Bollock.
Bollock(an old Brooklyn
type eating a meatball sub)
Yea.
Cipriani
This guy aint got the badda bing!
Bollock
(Spews crums
everywhere from
his meatball sub)
Hahaha!
Adrian
Is there like a manager... I can talk to..
Cipriani
What-day-ya think this is some kind of a chuckie cheese...
Adrian
You dont have a manager.
Cipriani
I mean you can talk to the pit boss okay. I mean hes.
Adrian
Okay let me talk to the pit boss.
Cipriani
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Hey Bollock
Bollock
(Sitting at the bar, coughing)
Cipriani
The guy without the badda bing.he wanna talks to you.
Bollock
(slowly walks over to the roulette table)
Whatsda matta? Huh...
Adrian
What kind of a casino are you running here that doesnt pay out...
when somone wins?
Bollock
A very profitable one.
Adrian
God damn it..
Cipriani
Hey man what you gotta against god?
Bollock
What is god not good enough for you.. Do you always get mad at god
just cussa you aint got that baddah bing?
Adrian
What no! Im a good upstanding Christian like everyone else.
Cipriani
So what, you just come out here to this casino and, bump through the
crowd of rich oil barons, and hookers, argue with mobsters.. cuz you
are just a great kind of a person... someone give this guy a nobel
peace prize..
Adrian
Well no I have a wife and a kid...
Cipriani
Oh really im sorry...
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Adrian
So youll give me my winnings.
Cipriani
Naw Im sorry that your somebodys dad..
Bollock
(Begins laughing then coughing and hacking.)
Adrian
Look I dont get to go out much! I didnt come out here to spend my
hard earned money. And win! Just to be stopped by some crazy
technicality... dreamed up by some dim witted, over fed, stupid,
crappy, hopeless, Italian sterotypes!
Bollock/Cipriani
(Begin to raise their fists at Adrian)
Crooked Cop
(amateurish Clint Eastwoord Dirty
Hairyimpression said through his teeth as
he chews on a toothpick)
Everything all right here fellas.(eagle SFX, Generic Western
Instrumental begins to play.)
Adrian
Officer thank goodness! These men are crooks!
Crooked Cop
(pointing to Cipriani, and Bollock)
These men right here?(Sarcastically)
No kidding these guys. Crooks no way.
Adrian
They wont pay up and I want my money..
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7Crooked Cop
(goes over to Adrian and
puts his index
finger on Adrians lips)
Shh shh shh..
(Pause for silence Eagle sound effect and,
western instrumental begin again,
for an awkward amount of time until.)
Cipriani
Yea but he aint got no baddabing.
Bollock
Yea no baddabing.
Crooked Cop
Are you guys with the guy.
Adrian
(breaks free of Crooked cops hand)
What are you talkin..
Crooked Cop
(Interrupts him and
puts his hand over Adrians mouth.)
The guy with the zoot!
Cipriani
You mean big Zoot, with the hat?
Crooked Cop
Naw his buddy with the nose.
Bollock
What nose are we talkin here.
Adrian
(breaking free of the cop.)
Okay that does it will everyone please stop speaking gibberish? Look
Im out 300 dollars, even though I bet on red it came up red and they
wont pay. I declare that these two gentlemen are crooks!
Cipriani
Oh yeah, yeah, Zoot we know Zoot.
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Crooked Cop
Hes late on his you know.
(Rubs his fingers together.)
Bollock
Hes late.
Crooked Cop
Are you sure you understand?
Bollock
What his wife is pregnant?
Cipriani
No you idiot hes late on his bribe.
BollockWell tell the whole world why dont you? What the hell is wrong with
you Cipriani what about Omerta?
Cipriani
Naw I dont like her, she drove a buddy of mine crazy.
Bollock
Not Roberta, Omerta you idiot. The Mafioso code of silence.
Cipriani
Oh right.
Adrian
Look I dont want to interrupt this little. Whatever this is..
Officer, these men owe me three hundred dollars, it came up red, and
they refuse to pay.
Crooked Cop
(While leaning over to intimidate Adrian, and
receiving a bribe from
Bollock in between his moobs.)
I guess you gotta get that baddabing.
(Slowly Saunters away.)
Adrian
Dont think I didnt see that.
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Cipriani
See what?
Adrian
I saw you, you stuck money right into that cops tits.
Cipriani
Are you calling me stupid. I dont bribe cops.
Adrian
Then what did you just do?
Cipriani
I paid him for his services he was a male dancer... I
Crooked Cop(reenters the scene and gives
Adrian a fully clothed
Tired little dance to suitable music.
Then goes over and sits by the bar.)
Bollock
Look Cipriani... Um, this guy he got us in a bit of a situation here.
I dont think anyone would pay to see that guy dance...
Cipriani
(Dealing 300 dollars
in chips to Adrian)
Okay right okay you play again.. We find you the badda bing ok, here I
lend you my badda bing. we give you double or nothing..but you have
to play again, and we pay you in Itallian currency okay..
Adrian
Well... okay.
(places his chips on red.)
Cipriani
Okay here we go.
(Roulette wheel stops)
Bollock
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Its Red!
Adrian
Alright!
Bollock
(Begins handing Adrian Boxes, of DVDs)
Adrian
What are these?
Bollock
Italian currency.
Adrian
These are bootleg DVDs, of Justin Biebers movie.Cipriani
Yes its been a tough year for Italy. We have to go back to a DVD based
economy, we used to trade Prince live in concert on blue ray! But at
least now you definitely got that badda bing!
Adrian
But.. but.. but
Bollock
Yea, you a good man.. now lotsa badda bing!
Adrian
(heavy breath)
Ok... thanks.. thanks for nothing..
Bollock
That guys got some badda bing!
Adrian
(While Googling Italian
currency on his phone.)
What exactly is baddbing huh what makes me so special damn it? I think
you dont wanna pay me, I am not stupid okay. I know for a fact that
Italian Currency is not bootleg DVDs, its a.. uh.. the Euro.
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Bollock
Maybe for the continent, but hey times are tough.
Adrian
(Showing Bullock his phone)
No, Italy does transactions in the Euro, it says so on the internet
see.
Cipriani
How do you know eh? Are you an Italian?
Adrian
Well no I...
Bollock
I for one am offended that you would suggest, that I a mild Italian
gentleman, would be accused of giving out false currency, and from
someone with the baddabing. What you dont trust actual Itallians, you
gotta get your information off the internet? From strangers. Huh? I
thought we were pals, I cant believe we give you the baddabing.
Cipriani
Right Bollock I forgot. Hey Mr.Baddabing, here is your hat.
(Hands Adrian a hat)
Adrian
What is this?
Bollock
You telling me you dont know?
Adrian
I dont get it.
Cipriani
Its your hat, its what you get for the baddabing.
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This is a hat from Cher live in concert.
Bollock
Well what we give you a little Wayne hat? And you get more street
cred? Is that what you want fifty cent? What if you out with your
grandma? Huh?
Cipriani
Yeah now everybody, know that you got the Baddabing, and you aint
gotta offend nobody.
Adrian
You morons, how are people going to know that I have the badda binghuh? Watch. Hey officer.
(Puts on the hat, and waves to the Officer)
Crooked Cop
Hey niice baddabing!
Adrian
You know what no he doesnt count you bribed him.
CiprianiI already told you we payed him for dancing services.
Bollock
Thats right you want another dance?
Adrian
GOOD LORD NO!!
Bollock
To bad.
Adrian
Look I have a Baddabing whatever that is.. the hat and the DVDs and
all of its completely worthless, you really are running a chucky
cheese. You mindless vagrants you!
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Cipriani
So what we give you all this stuff, and you are ungrateful. You dont
want it. You know what you give us that stuff back. You dont deserve,
Im also takin a back your Baddabing.
Adrian
No, you cant take back my baddabing, because there is no such thing
as a baddabing.
Bollock
I dont get you first you wanna the baddabing, then you dont huh you
wanna make money gambling or what?
Adrian
Well yeah. Of course I want to make money gambling. I want to get
paid. You know money. Cash. Real currency okay. So why dont you pay
me what I am owed.
Cipriani
We dont wanna.
Adrian
But Ive got the baddabing.
(Pointing to the hat.)
Cipriani
Yea but we already spent the money.
Bollock
Thats right we spent your baddabing money on the shrimp.
Adrian
What are you talking about?
Cipriani
The shrimp. You know the little critters we slice the heads off eat
there bottoms huh.
Adrian
How did my money get in your shrimp.
Bollock
We donta put the money in shrimp nobody wanna eat shrimp with-a
fivedoller bill in it, think of the health code violations, combining
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money, and food like that. We spend-your-money on shrimp, pay
attention.
Cipriani
Yah do-you know how expensive shrimp is these days?
Adrian
Cant say that I do.
Cipriani
Okay lets say you run a shrimping business. Okay first you gotta buy
the fuel.
Adrian
I thought I was running a shrimping business.
Corrupt Cop
Dont you know anything punk, you cant do any kinda industry without
fuel.
Bollock
Yeah mr. Shrimpin boat captain, how you gonna drive your fishing
vessel without fuel.
Adrian
Im not a shrimping boat Captain and this isnt a casino, its a
chucky cheese.
Corrupt Cop
Hey shaddup, you may just learn something.
Cipriani
Thas right you listen to our dancer.
Corrupt Cop
(Shoots Cipriani a dirty look)
Bollock
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So you get da fuel, to run da ship, right. Then you gotta get the
dock.
Adrian
Why are you talking to me about shrimping? I dont care.
Bollock
Im telling you where we spend your money.
Corrupt Cop
Yeah shut up yer gonna learn somethin.
Adrian
Okay fine. So I get the money for the dock and the fuel..
Cipriani
Then you..
Adrian
Go shrimping?
Bollock
Naw, I cant believe we give you the baddabing, and you still so very
thick. You gotta buy the nets, and traps first. It isnt cheap.
Corrupt Cop
Dont forget Insurance. You need the insurance.
Cipriani
But some guys they no get the insurance, they say eh, to exspensive
insurance, then bam oil spill! Then shrimp everywhere they die, or
they no good, and you have to wait for the next generation of shrimp,
but they not as good as the first shrimp, and they are twice as
exspensive, and they always complaining, and occupying wall street...
Bollock
So naturally prices go up. 300 dollars a pound, for shrimp.
Adrian
Thats ridiculous, why would you do business with them. Why would you
buy shrimp for that much?
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Bollock
You gotta have pretty big baddabing, to own a shrimping company with
no insurance.
Cipriani
Thats right, at this Casino we only do the business, with guys with
tha baddabing.
Corrupt Cop
Exactly.
Adrian
I am done with this I am sending a report directly to the gamingcommission, you owe me 600 dollars.
Cipriani
(puts a shrimp cocktail, down on the table)
There you go. Just for you mister baddabing.
(End Scene)
(Lights Out)
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