THE COMMUNICATION MAP. © 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC The Map.

T H E

C O M M U N I C A T I O N

M A P

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC

The Map

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC

Immediate impactLearn itUSE itEffectiveIndependent

The Criteria

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Functioning First

HistoryAvoidanceResentment

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Give People Structure

Challenges:IssuesProblemsFeelingsReasonsMotivationsHistory

Opportunity? Enhancing

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Easy to LearnEasy to UseUniversal Application

Universal Qualities

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The Map

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Before You Start

Challenges:The Issue?When?Where?

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Issues = Unmet needsALL issues are validNeeder ‘Owns’ the Issue

Rules of the Road

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No Issue is UniversalSome are unsharedDon’t indict“Came home late without calling”Ownership = EmpowermentGet past “Right” and “Wrong”

Needs and Issues

Give Sender Ownership

For the Sender:

For the Receiver:

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One issue at a timeTake turnsSpeak with moderationListen with curiosityWin Win, not War-War‑Structure is EVERYTHINGNurture the ‘space between’

Focus and Dialogue

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AttitudeCuriosityEmpathyCompassionCoach

Receiver Qualities

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The Background

Home from work two hours lateDidn’t call beforehandDinner SpoiledWaiting partner upset and been worried

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Round One

"Where have you BEEN?”

“I've been so

WORRIED””DINNER'S COLD - AND

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT."

“You are late, and you

didn't call, and I'm

REALLY upset.”

”You know what? You are just a jerk, and you're inconsiderate, and I can't believe you didn't call me”.

”You ALWAYS call. Why didn't you call THIS time?”

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The Wall

Judgement

Interpretation

Defensiveness

Reactive emotion.

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Mad

Primary Emotions

Sad

Glad

Fear

Shame

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"Oh, OK. I'm in judgment right now”

Disconnected

“Right now, I'm wrapped up in my interpretation of why you're doing this”

“Right now, I'm feeling defensive” "I'm in a reactive

emotion right now"

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The Sender Experience

Is it clear?DiscomfortThoughtsJudgementsBack upIdentifyCommunicate

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Talkers and Thinkers

If you understand which you areIf you know which your partner isYou will know what their needs areOpposites attract but challenge

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC

Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)

Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)

Communicate Issues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)

Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)

Negotiate

Request

Follow through

Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Help me Understand

Talker needs to talk about itReceiver needs to listenDon’t Pre-judgeFind the REAL issue

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC

Beat the stereotype

Don’t assume you KNOW the ‘Issue’‘Facts’ vs. ‘Issue’Build dialogueSeek confirmation

Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)

Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)

Communicate Issues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)

Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)

Negotiate

Request

Follow through

Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC

Step 4

Late and no call

Is my lateness the issue?No, worried and anxious when you didn’t call

No, cooked a great meal and it’s spoilt.

Is the Call the issue?

Sender HAS to communicate Receiver HAS to facilitate

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC

Make a request

Clarity is the first hurdleValidating is the secondMirror or askSender RequestIssuesUnmet NeedsRelationship Drivers

Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)

Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)

Communicate Issues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)

Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)

Negotiate

Request

Follow through

Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

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Ugly Alternatives

ComplainingDemandingThreateningCoercingCriticizingEntitlementMind ReadingRequesting

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Step 5

What can I do?Non-PrescriptiveThe result countsThe two routes

Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)

Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)

Communicate Issues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)

Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)

Negotiate

Request

Follow through

Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC

Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)

Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)

Communicate Issues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)

Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)

Negotiate

Request

Follow through

Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Negotiation

Negotiation isn’t compromiseDemand Win/WinFind Third OptionIf it doesn’t work for both of you it won’t stick

"You don't know WHAT you don't know"

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC

Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)

Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)

Communicate Isues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)

Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)

Negotiate

Request

Follow through

Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Outside the Box

PlanNetworkPatienceStay Open Minded

ViabilityCompassion and Mirror

Sorry. Be late

How long?

Couple hours.

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC

Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)

Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)

Communicate Issues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)

Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)

Negotiate

Request

Follow through

Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Be Positive

Never Say “No”Counter-proposePactPositiveTrustingSafeListening

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC

Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)

Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)

Communicate Issues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)

Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)

Negotiate

Request

Follow through

Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

Final Steps

NegotiatedSolvedFollow-throughCommitmentPromiseIntentionsActionsBad agreements break

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Mutuality

You won’t know until you give it a go!One you CAN keepOne you WANT to keepGo round againForgivenessPatienceLearn

Sender

Hit Wall(Or Not)

Identify Issues(Talkers v Thinkers)

Communicate Issues(Get/GiveValidation/Confirmation)

Make request(Let go of How/Outcome)

Negotiate

Request

Follow through

Experience Issue(It’s all about YOU)1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC

Practice

Perfection doesn’t existNot a panaceaStructureClarity

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Practice

Issue = SenderIdentifyCommunicateRequestReceiver = SupportKeep it handy!Don’t recycle failure

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Top Five Communication Tips

No. 1 - “Is there More?”Don’t ‘pingpong’Keep ListeningInvite DialogueSpoken Magic

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Top Five Communication Tips

No 2: “It’s NOT about You!Their issue is THEIR issuePersonal = DefensiveDefensive = Negativity

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Top Five Communication Tips

No. 3: “It’s ALL about You!The 90/10 FormulaNeed to clear and separate:

FactsJudgmentsFeelings

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Top Five Communication Tips

Facts:You were two hours lateYou didn’t callDinner is spoiled

Judgements:“You're wrong”“You're bad”“You're inconsiderate”“You're a jerk”“You shouldn't do that”

Emotions:AngerAnxietyFearAbandonment

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC

Top Five Communication Tips

No. 4: Turn complaints into requests.Many needsImpossible to meet allRequest respectfullyCreate the “Win/Win”Avoid the Uglies

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC

Top Five Communication Tips

No. 5: Tell YOUR TruthThoughtsFeelingsNeedsWants“In to me I see”Respect and love us for who we areNo truth = No connection

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC

Top Five Communication Tips

No. 5: Tell YOUR TruthConflictPainArgumentsFearUse the Map StructurePracticeSimple – Effective - Practical

© 2013 Relationship Coaching Institute, LLC

Create Your Future Together

We need to survivebefore we can thrive.

Build on this.Thank you for listening.