Outages, APIs, Benchmarks and Other Atrocities of Cloud Marketing

@shanley

thoughts and opinions do not reflect the thoughts and opinions of my employer.thoughts and opinions do not reflect the thoughts and opinions of my friends. thoughts and opinions do not necessarily reflect my own thoughts and opinions.some identities have been changed removed or otherwise obscured. not all vendors in this presentation are idiots.

On the Subject of Negligent, Incorrect, Dishonest, Obfuscating, Bordering on Unethical, Intentionally and Unintentionally Misleading, And Otherwise Corrupt Cloud Computing Marketing. Also Benchmarks and APIs.

On the Subject of Outages.

On the Subject of Outages.

On the Subject of Outages.

On the Subject of Outages.

Last Week.

4 years ago.

On the Subject of Outages. • Don’t ambulance chase • You already fail, and if you don’t, you’re going to and you are going to

look and feel stupid • Outages are a really awful thing to happen to anybody• Can your internal team really provide better availability than xxx?

On the Subject of Benchmarks.

On the Subject of Benchmarks.

your sample code in no way resembles a large scale production web app

On the Subject of Benchmarks.

your laptop is not a distributed system

On the Subject of Benchmarks.

your ruby on rails script does not emulate concurrency

On the Subject of Benchmarks.• Don’t publish shitty benchmarks• Know a shitty benchmark: check for implementation and

concurrency• There are companies that are optimizing their code for script

kiddies with macbook pros publishing crap benchmarks on their hipster blogs

On the Subject of APIs.

On the Subject of APIs.

On the Subject of APIs.

On the Subject of APIs.

the “API wars” are a deliberant propaganda campaign created by vendors, reporters and analysts and designed to distract you from what is really going on.

On the Subject of APIs.

On the Subject of APIs. Does the thing the API is attached to remotely work?

Please check

[ ] yes [ ] no

On the Subject of APIs. But seriously…..

[ ] Does the underlying infrastructure make sense

[ ] Are there any production users

[ ] Is the code production ready?

[ ] If it ruins your entire life, do you give a fuck about the API?

On the Subject of Nonsense.

On the Subject of Nonsense.

the following words don’t mean anything

On the Subject of Nonsense. • Big Data - you probably don’t have big data - the data you wish you had doesn’t count

• Cloud Optimized / Standardized / Maximized / Accelerated - please never use these words

• Full Stack Solution - there is no such thing as a full stack solution - your stack is probably falling apart if you think you have or need this

• Interoperable / portable / compatible - you can make anything interoperate with enough time and money - does your app even run right on one cloud?

• Leader / innovator / new-category-inventor - you probably aren’t leading anything - the magic quadrant is a lie - rocketships, waffles and Nicki Minaj are innovative. Your stuff probably isn’t

Things That Actually Don’t Exist

Things That Actually Don’t Exist

Your Buzzwords Hurt My Face

Stop saying things that don’t mean anything.

The Vicious Cycle

Step 1. marketers don’t understand the technology

Step 2 marketers talk to other people that don’t understand the technology

marketers analystsmarketers reporters

And the doomsday scenario…

marketers marketers

Solutions

1. Fire your entire marketing team

2. Hire people who have some vague notion of what they are talking about

3. Make the marketers talk to engineers.*

*Note: This might be painful for everyone involved.