Transcript
And I will name you Chuck. After Chuck Norris: The Unstoppable Force.
One Ugly Pie
Episode 13: No Need for What?
It was all his idea. That I needed a little time out to reflect on my life a little bit. That I was taking things too fast and by the edge of the seat. Or maybe he used the term ‘flying by the seat of my pants’. Whatever the case might be, I’m mighty pissed off that Abhijeet demanded that we go out on this vacation at Three Lakes. I bought a cabin because there is no way in hell am I going to tolerate a god damn hotel.Xerxes, “Well, here we are, BUDDY. What the hell are we gonna do now?”
Abhijeet, “Cool your jets, man. It’s not like we’re out here on a nice weekend excursion. I know you got some steam in comin’ outta your ears but this is for your own good, dude. You rock stars think you know what you’re doin’, but you ain’t foolin me bro. I know you got some kind of bubble machine and you ain’t shying away from the juice none either. Ya got a kid now and need to think less about yourself and more about what your family will be.”
Abhijeet, “Sides, dude, I can’t just sit idly by, knowin’ what you’ll be doin’ It’d be bad for the kid.”Xerxes, “And how’s dragging me out to the forest supposed to solve anything?”Abhijeet, “It’d show ya there’s much more to life than what you think you’ve got, man.”
Xerxes, “And that’d be what exactly? I’ve got so much money in the bank, I could probably buy all of downtown and still have money leftover. What could you possibly show me?”Abhijeet, “Just chill, bro. It’ll come to you when it comes. You could think of this as some real mystical journey through your inner self.”Xerxes, “I’ve had enough mystical non-sense when that genie left me behind.”
Rather than trying to explain anymore, Abhijeet just shoves me out the door.Abhijeet, “Let’s just travel around the area and see what there is to do. It’ll be good for you to get some fresh air.”Xerxes, “Hey look, it’s the neighbors. Heya, freaks. We’re leavin now. Don’t try to steal anything, what with the doors having no locks or anything.”Abhijeet, “Ignore him, dude and dudettes. He’s just going through withdraws.”
So Abhijeet drags me over to some lumber yard… camp place thing. Who the hell cares where it is? And the first thing I can’t help but notice is that god-forsaken giant lumberjack. I mean, look at that thing. A giant lumber jack. Who comes up with this stuff? Whatever, I’m hungry, I’m getting food.
If anything good comes out of this so called vacation, it’s gotta be this stack of flapjacks. At least I think that’s what they call’em. They look like fancy pancakes to me, but more power to’em for naming them something different, I guess.”
I notice Abhijeet joining the locals for some kind of dance. Slapping their thighs or something. Looks like fun so I go over to join in on the festivities. “Hey, Abhijeet, where you goin? I thought we were supposed to be having fun. Not good enough for ya?”Abhijeet, “No, bro. I just need to grab some grub myself.”
Xerxes, “So, Abhijeet, got anythingelse you want to do, but not want to do withme?”Abhijeet, “I’m serious, dude. I had a case of the munchies is all.”Xerxes, “Uh huh.”Abhijeet, “Let’s just try this axe throwing game.”Xerxes, “Sure you want me to play something like that in my sour mood? What if I miss the tree and hit, say, you?”
Xerxes, “There see, look. Bulls eye. No need for celebration. A simple pat on the back shall suffice. Can we go now?”
Abhijeet, “Dude, you seriously need to relax on the attitude gig. I know you don’t like being here, but there’s no reason to wallow in the mud like that, ya know?”
Hours later we head back to the cabin. I am practically tired from watching him just throw those axes time after time. I don’t know how I managed to just sit around and wait.
“Excuse me, people. But you don’t live here and I never said you could come inside. Now get lost or I’ll call the cops.” Then again, what would the cops do? They’d probably fine me for a prank call instead of getting rid of the trespassers.
Today seems promising. Or so I hope. “What do you have lined up for us today, all mighty wizard?”Abhijeet, “I figured we could go on a few tours of the place. Ya’know, get a feel for what else this forest holds.”“Is that all?”
“Yea, so we’re here to take one of those tour things. How much is that gonna set me back?”“Oh, for the nature hike, only a measly price of $300 per person. Course others are cheaper.”“Just give me the expensive one so we can go already.”
“Remind me why we need to take a minivan to the nature trail.”Abhijeet, “Because it’s off the beaten path that only the minivan can take us to.”“Right.”
Well, the nature trail was fun. Except for the angry bear that attacked us. Everyone decided to stand their ground so it stole all of our food. That meant coming back hungry.
Abhijeet, “Catch ya later, bro.”“Wait, where do you think you’re going?”Abhijeet, “Back to the cabin for food.”“But I can make food here! Trout and plenty of it!”Abhijeet, “That’s cool, but I need some food now. Can’t wait. Enjoy the rest of your day, dude.”“You can’t just leave me here!”
Oh, but he did. And that’s why I end up cooking my own trout to feed myself. Some other people in the area stuff their faces with the food I made for me, since I was the one beset by an angry bear and all. Jerks.
I opt to go on another tour, by myself. The bird watch seems like a wise idea, and cheaper too. Though I still wonder why I needed to take a minivan to the location. There we come across a rare bird egg and decide to leave it alone. However a few other hikers get so worried we go back for it only to never find it. They think it’d be a fair trade to dock everyone of a logic point. And that’s how the rest of my day went.
The night, however…“So what, you thought it was a cool idea to just ditch me, huh? What if I decided to just come back with you?”Abhijeet, “Chilax dude. It wasn’t like I was leaving for a bad reason.”“Oh yea, like my trout isn’t good enough for you.”
Abhijeet, “This vacation is about you, bro. It’s about detoxing you from all those bad things you keep putting in your body. You shouldn’t be blowing bubbles and the like, y’know?”
“So now it’s about me, huh? Didn’t you say the other day it was about me making better choices for my kid, or whatever? Try to keep your story straight.”
The next morning, Abhijeet decides to show me something I never ever wanted to see.Abhijeet, “Good morning, dude.”“Uh... yea... Could you put some clothes on now?”Abhijeet, “What’s the matter, bro?”“I don’t like... Just please put something over the underwear.”
He doesn’t, so I leave.Abhijeet, “Where ya goin?”“To read the newspaper. Outside.”Abhijeet, “But you could read it inside.”“That’s ok. I’d rather sit outside.”
I spend the rest of the day on my own. I did not want to go back to the cabin if Abhijeet is still hanging around in his undies. It would be completely different if it was Ratna in her undies, but it’s not.
Before we leave the next day, Abhijeet holds an important conversation with me. Well, important to him anyway.Abhijeet, “So did you learn anything while you were here, man?”“Besides that you’re a filthy person that likes hanging out in underwear all day?”Abhijeet, “Be serious, bro.”“Fine, fine... I learned all sorts of wonderful things. We done now?”
We pack our things and get on our way back to Strangetown. I can only hope that this never happens again. I do not ever want to see this cabin again so long as I am single and doing it with some weird family friend.
And I am quite happy with the lesson I learned: Never go on vacation with Abhijeet ever again.
SIDE PLOTZ
“It’s ok. There might be only one sink, but I can deal with that. Just hold it together. You’re just coming in to make sure you look alright and everything will be fine.”
There’s only one sink.
There’s only one sink.
There’s only one sink.
There’s only one sink.
There’s only one sink.
There’s only one sink.
Do I look alright?
There’s only one sink.
There’s only one sink.
There’s only one sin
k.
Do I look alright?
Is there something in my teeth?
There’s only one sink.
There’s only one sink.Th
ere’s
only
one s
ink.
Do I look alright?
Is there something in my teeth?
What if he doesn’t like me?
There’s only one sink.
There’s only one sink.
Ther
e’s
only
one
sin
k.
Do I look alright?
Is there something in my teeth?
What if he doesn’t like me?
Does my hair look good?
There’s only one sink.
There’s only one sink.
Ther
e’s
only
one
sin
k.
Do I look alright?
Is there something in my teeth?
What if he doesn’t like me?
Does my hair look good?
Do I look alright?
What if he doesn’t like me?
There’s only one sin
k.
There’s only one sink.
Is there something in my teeth?
Does my hair look good?
Is that a smudge on my face?
What if he doesn’t like me?
There’s only one sink.
There’s only one sink.
Ther
e’s
only
one
sin
k.
Do I look alright?
Is there something in my teeth?
What if he doesn’t like me?
Does my hair look good?
Do I look alright?
There’s only one sin
k.
There’s only one sink.
Is there something in my teeth?
Does my hair look good?Is that a smudge on my face?
Does my hair look good?
Is that a smudge on my face?
Is there something in my teeth?
There’s only one sink.
What if he doesn’t like me?
Do I look alright?
Does
my
hair
look
goo
d?
Can I get it out?
What if he doesn’t like me?
There’s only one sink.
There’s only one sink.
Ther
e’s
only
one
sin
k.
Do I look alright?
Is there something in my teeth?
What if he doesn’t like me?
Does my hair look good?
Do I look alright?
There’s only one sin
k.
There’s only one sink.
Is there something in my teeth?
Does my hair look good?
Is that a smudge on my face?
Does my hair look good?
Is that a smudge on my face?
Is there something in my teeth?
There’s only one sink.
What if he doesn’t like me?
Do I look alright?
Does
my
hair
look
goo
d?
Can I get it out?
Is th
at a
smudge
on my f
ace?
Do I look alright?
Ther
e’s
only
one
sin
k.
Is there something in my teeth?
Can I get it out?
I’ll be able to get rid of it.
What if he doesn’t like me?
There’s only one sink.
There’s only one sink.
Ther
e’s
only
one
sin
k.
Do I look alright?
Is there something in my teeth?
What if he doesn’t like me?
Does my hair look good?
Do I look alright?
There’s only one sin
k.
There’s only one sink.
Is there something in my teeth?
Does my hair look good?
Is that a smudge on my face?
Does my hair look good?
Is that a smudge on my face?
Is there something in my teeth?
There’s only one sink.
What if he doesn’t like me?
Do I look alright?
Does
my
hair
look
goo
d?
Can I get it out?
Is th
at a
smudge
on my f
ace?
Do I look alright?
Ther
e’s
only
one
sin
k.
Is there something in my teeth?
Can I get it out?
I’ll be able to get rid of it.
I’ll be able to get rid of it.Is there something in my teeth?
What if he doesn’t like me?Do I look alright?
Is th
at a sm
udge on m
y face
?
Does my hair look good?
What if he doesn’t like me?
There’s only one sink.
There’s only one sink.
Ther
e’s
only
one
sin
k.
Do I look alright?
Is there something in my teeth?
What if he doesn’t like me?
Does my hair look good?
Do I look alright?
There’s only one sin
k.
There’s only one sink.
Is there something in my teeth?
Does my hair look good?
Is that a smudge on my face?
Does my hair look good?
Is that a smudge on my face?
Is there something in my teeth?
There’s only one sink.
What if he doesn’t like me?
Do I look alright?
Does
my
hair
look
goo
d?
Can I get it out?
Is th
at a
smudge
on my f
ace?
Do I look alright?
Ther
e’s
only
one
sin
k.
Is there something in my teeth?
Can I get it out?
I’ll be able to get rid of it.
I’ll be able to get rid of it.Is there something in my teeth?
What if he doesn’t like me?Do I look alright?
Is th
at a sm
udge on m
y face
?
Does my hair look good?
I’ll be able to get rid of it.
Does my hair look good?What if he doesn’t like m
e?
Does m
y hair
look
good
?
Can I get it out?
Is there something in my teeth? Ther
e’s o
nly
one
sink.
What if he doesn’t like me?
There’s only one sink.
There’s only one sink.
Ther
e’s
only
one
sin
k.
Do I look alright?
Is there something in my teeth?
What if he doesn’t like me?
Does my hair look good?
Do I look alright?
There’s only one sin
k.
There’s only one sink.
Is there something in my teeth?
Does my hair look good?
Is that a smudge on my face?
Does my hair look good?
Is that a smudge on my face?
Is there something in my teeth?
There’s only one sink.
What if he doesn’t like me?
Do I look alright?
Does
my
hair
look
goo
d?
Can I get it out?
Is th
at a
smudge
on my f
ace?
Do I look alright?
Ther
e’s
only
one
sin
k.
Is there something in my teeth?
Can I get it out?
I’ll be able to get rid of it.
I’ll be able to get rid of it.Is there something in my teeth?
What if he doesn’t like me?Do I look alright?
Is th
at a sm
udge on m
y face
?
Does my hair look good?
I’ll be able to get rid of it.
Does my hair look good?What if he doesn’t like m
e?
Does m
y hair
look
good
?
Can I get it out?
Is there something in my teeth? Ther
e’s o
nly
one
sink.
It’s gone.
Ginger, “Buck… can I ask you something?”Buck, “Ok.”
Ginger, “See, I was just wondering if, um… maybe we could…”
Ginger, “I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but… um, just maybe we could… hang out… or y’know…”
Ginger, “Maybe go on a date with me?”
top related