Monkey is 60!!!!!

Age Is Just A NumberBut Monkey's is pretty damn high

Happy 60th Birthday!

Some of our favorite meories of you, you oldass Silverback!

But you can't take the Brooklyn out of the Monkey.

You can take the Monkey out of Brooklyn...

Though a silver back, the hairwasn’t as silvery as others.

The Keenan brothers constantly got the best of Monkey, one time alternating

pummeling him and rubbing snow in his face. Thinking his mother would coddle him, she only yelled at him for losing the

fight.

Those Keenan boys....A pinky ball may look soft but Monkey knew to get out of the way of one when tossed by a creature with such an affinity

for tossing poo. Unfortunately, the clever Ray

Keenan snapped off curveballs making Monkey

look foolish repeatedly.

Had it not been for the elder Keenan (Tommy),...

Monkey would have ruled his

neighborhood in Flatbush. Alas, Tommy was there and Monkey

got thrown from the top of the coal pile.

Naivete has always been a part of his Monkey ways.

Chanting “Blacky! Blacky! Blacky!” had everything to do with

the dark-colored horse and nothing to do with the driver of

the coal cart.

That's not Amy!

Don’t mess with a monkey’s territory.

Moreso, never mess with the territory of Jack the ice cream man. Monkey and

friends hurled crackerballs at Mr.

Softee, hitting him in the head. From then on, his head was a bit

softee.

Monkeys fight injusticeMonkey yelled at Nana after she hit

him with the wrong side of the

belt.

Romancing the Guinea!

The Meeting

Little known to scientists until the 1970s, monkey mating rituals begin

with becoming a spectacle and embarrassing the object of his

affection. That’s why no one can blame Monkey for sliding across a cafeteria table and kissing mom's male friend.

America's Most Wanted Monkey?

Monkey couldn’t draw his poop-filled hand faster than a cop could jack him up against a car. It was a DWM (Driving While Monkey), profiled as being a murderer.

Monkeys hate monkey stereotypes

That’s why Monkey pretends to be cultured. This desire took a wrong turn when Monkey took mom to see Schindler’s List on Valentines Day. How’d it go? He doesn’t want to talk about it.

Monkey must've missed swimming!!!

How else do you explain the bikini-style undies he would wear? (The bigger mystery is why that’s one of Paul’s most outstanding memories of Monkey.)

Larger than the average human, Monkey can’t outdrink a 5-foot-nothing

Italian girlMonkey passed out with mom after drinking a bottle of rye. Mom woke and knew Monkey had drowned and people searched for him in a nearby pond. The story of Monkey and the Italian may still be apart of Fairfield U. lore, except the story includes a streaking, shrieking woman.

Marking his wife's territory

Monkey can’t afford to buy a

lighthouse for his penis-shaped

structure-obsessed wife. He goes a

more primal route, peeing on each he

visits.

Driving within the lines, like being correct, bores Monkey

That’s why he rolled over rumble

strips like a daytime drunk on

the way TO a vineyard just to

annoy mom.

Monkey Rearing

Transformers (Damborners)

Monkey pulled a slick move, so he thought, when he bought one of the hottest toys of the 1980s for two hours pay. It was great until Paul discovered it didn’t transform.

Poop Issues

Shortly after high school-aged Paul blamed a donut for shitting himself and continued to play

basketball, Dad rescued him. Paul’s shitty underwear may still be on that campus. If not, that landscaper deserves a raise. (Paul wrote,

‘Saving me after I pooped myself.’ I just picked one of multiple times that happened in the ‘can

control his bowls era.’

Potty Time Battles

At 60, Monkey may be the oldest little kid in the world. Will should prepare to play Star Wars with light saber pee streams, a Conlin family custom.

No Opposable Thumbs UpHasty decisions aren’t uncommon with monkeys. Monkey decided to rent ‘Ninja Kids’ from Applause Video for his two sons who had a combined age of 21, the age some states require to watch pornography.

Another Movie Mishap

Monkeys have the burden of too much knowledge and mistakes are volitional. That’s the only explanation for taking two young sons to see ‘Empire of the Sun’ instead of ‘Batteries Not Included’ but making it up with bowling.

Homework's a PIA

Monkey demanded writing clarity on par with his ability and destroyed essays with edits that took longer to make than it took to write the first draft. (Suck this, Monkey. This sentence was written in the passive voice by me.)

Dukes of FairfieldSafety standards were lax in the 1980s, that’s the only way to explain two children allowed to ride in a Gremlin. Monkey upped the anti by imitating the Dukes of Hazard in the Tunxis Hill Park lot. I wish he wore daisy dukes.

Nautical Challenges

Hard Dive

Experience with water isn’t enough to slow an excited Monkey. As an inflatable raft floated astray, Monkey dove after it and met the hard reality of the Toddy pond floor.

Fish Food

One of many nautical misadventures with his lifemate, Monkey swam a capsized sailboat to shore yelling, “I feel like bait!”

Driving (Mis)Adventures

Windows are difficult

Like for politicians, transparency isn’t a monkey’s friend. One afternoon Monkey would have successfully dumped the contents of his coffee out his car window had it not been closed.

Hair Stinks

Monkeys like their hair, but it can be a nuisance. Exhibit 1: Monkey sets his chest hair ablaze while attempting to light a cigarette while driving.

Territorial Monkey

One afternoon Monkey erred in a parking lot, and the woman he inconvenienced waved her arms in fury. Sensing a challenge, Monkey copied her every move confusing the enemy.

Monkey Vs. Gas

Though they may seem dour, monkeys are extremely optimistic. With a tank low on gas and fog filling the night sky, Monkey chanted “We're gonna make it to Augusta,” until it was so.

Feats of Driving

Despite lacking opposable thumbs, a set of dextrous feet enabled Monkey to jump start the blue Civic while careening backwards down a hill around a raised stump.

Creative Cursing

Contrary to popular belief, monkeys have mastered English, especially in the form of short, creative, spontaneous bursts. One afternoon while driving an adolescent Monkey yelled at a rude motorist, “I hope your c*%t gets caught on a door knob.

And1 Driving

Driving a car heavy with three kids and a mother, Monkey underestimated the car’s weight and rolled backwards a couple yards on the Hartford Civic Center ramp before a Harlem Globe Trotters game.

Nothing to say but, ‘Monkey!?’

Can't Keep A Secret

Monkeys love surprises so much they can’t keep them to themselves. That’s why Monkey wished his new daughter-in-law a fun time to Cancun immediately before her surprise trip. Perhaps the reason she feels so comfortable with a family of monkeys, Kristin still had no idea where she was going.

The Oldest Little KidThe affinity for fart jokes isn’t the only child-like feature of monkeys. To signal the start of Christmas morning to his 25- and 19-year-old sons, Monkey stomped the floor and created a clatter to wake them up.

Hear No Alarm

Unlike any other species, monkeys enter a state of torpor several times each day. Even blaring alarm clocks that could be heard in the neighbor’s yard couldn’t stir a monkey though it sat only inches away.

Softer Side of Monkey

Monkey Makes Trips for Baseball

Monkey curses other drivers and would much rather add ‘facts’ to ReasonsWhyTheMonkeyIsRight.com, but he made the trip down to Mary Washington College for the CAC tournament in Brian’s first year back.

Dad Gave Paul Diabetes

Monkey set Paul on the slippery slope to obesity early. At Zabar’s, he gave Paul a knockwurst...on a croissant...with a Dr. Brown’s soda.

Working in the City

Going to NYC with the Monkey was the best...mainly because of Snipes. The rest was torture as evidenced by Brian hiding behind Monkey’s leg in an elevator when a co-worker was near.

The Yanks!

Paul may have become bored before the game could go into extra innings. Paul may have been asleep when they returned home and the game had just ended. But he will always remember going to Yankee stadium for his first ball game.

Sweep, Sweep, Sweep Your Shell

Paul is remembered at St. Mary’s for his dedication to rowing and for being one of the school’s best sweepers. He will remember his final regatta when a camera-toting monkey drove hours for his last race.

Clumsy Monkey Paws

Perhaps afraid his gigantic monkey paws would squish a newborn baby, Monkey refused to hold newborn Will. Makes you wonder how many times he dropped Paul and Brian.

Monkey Knows Naps

If Monkey knows one thing, it’s naps. That’s why (once he conquered his fear of holding the baby) he lulled Will to sleep by stroking his forehead and nose.

Mail Tampering

Monkey would never open somebody else’s mail, unless it’s test results from Fairfield Prep. Monkey took his lashings with his pouty-lipped, eyes-averted posture he must’ve had when Bubba Wally busted him. The look ruined Brian’s fake anger.

Chore Rewards

When it comes to Monkey making food, you can never be sure if it’s a reward or to satisfy one of his cravings. Regardless, the hot cocoa and grilled cheese sandwiches after shoveling and Carvel after beach dinners were awesome.

Monkey's idea of a birthday cake.

Monkey Punishments

This One Backfired

Monkey’s lack of basketball ability never became more apparent than during Paul’s teenage years. In an attempt to prove a lesson, Monkey, much taller and heavier than his son, played as hard as his monkey paws would let him. Joke’s on him. Paul hit a turn around, tree-assisted hail mary to render Monkey’s point moo (like a cow’s opinion).

Monkey Like a Missile

You know you stepped in it when Monkey says, ‘I’m going ballistic...I’m ballistic!’ There would be more to step in after those words were uttered.

The God Damn Pantry DoorNo one understands Monkey’s intricate insulation and cooling systems besides him. The first commandment, though, is keeping the pantry door closed, a lesson Brian learned after being made to open and shut it 100 times.

Few Words Needed

The MCDONALD’S incident...

The Staring Punishment

Countless times Monkey would stomp upstairs and defuse fights without a chance for strike 2. His favorite (or at least most used) punishmend: Sit in silence and stare at each other.

The Dog Punishment

Sit next to Odie or Blue but just far away enough where we couldn’t pet him.

Segas Are Sturdy

Besides basketball, Monkey won’t relent if a punishment is failing. For example, he bashed the Sega controller against the corner of the couch and kept doing so, not realizing the hilarity of a Monkey bashing something to punish overreactions.

Way to Ruin Ward's Buzz

Who knows what Paul and Brian did? Ward didn’t. Monkey was yelling late one night and disturbed our drug dealing neighbor. When the neighbor yelled in mockery, Monkey couldn’t hold back and unleased an ‘F&*# You!’ of his own.

Ward always reminded me of Hacksaw Jim Duggan. That's before

I even knew what drugs were.

Miscellaneous Monkey

It's Legal in Two States Now

Monkey is a law-abiding monkey except when it comes to pot. Then he will take big hits from an even bigger bong and keep the photographic evidence for decades.

Stupid Dog

Though an excellent dog trainer, Monkey never taught his English sheepdogs how to swim. Enter Monkey stripping down to his skivvies (bikini briefs?) and swimming after Odie and getting scratched as he guided him to shore.

Disappointing Cookies

Disappointing cookies are a travesty for the Monkey. He stomped out the door and threw the pan against the garage with the same force he flung poo back in his Brooklyn days.

Arm Hanging Low

Overthinking is a part of Monkey’s life, but perhaps he should have had more foresight before launching a ball from the outfield fence toward home and at a Holy Family Little League practice. His poo throws haven’t been as powerful since.

UConn Vs. USSR

At an exhibition between UConn and the USSR (or Russia) near the time the Berlin Wall fell or was about to fall, Monkey was the only person in the arena clapping for the Soviets. ‘Why?’ Brian asked. ‘They’re just athletes.’

Sabotaging Vacations

Monkey says he likes Maine and would consider moving there one day. He did have a streak of several years where he either broke things or had odd medical ailments (swollen tooth), probably to ruin everyone else’s good time and save Maine for himself.

You Lost the Argument

The napkin toss is dinner’s QED.

Pretty sure I'm yelling at Monkey for 'Being

Correct!'

Drunk Monkey Thinks He’s Cute

Not on NatGeo

Monkeys love lambics. Monkey demonstrated this at Paul and Kristin’s rehearsal dinner.

Martin-Conlin Thanksgiving IThe rules of dating say that boyfriends must make a great first impression upon meeting their significant other’s family for the first time. Monkey knows there’s no rules regarding the father of the boyfriend. Monkey took advantage of this loophole to get trashed.

Should've Studied Harder

Monkey never had a bachelor party, but he did have sisteen shots of sequila before being dropped off at Mom’s place. He would have gone to the hospital, but the 1970s were a time of free love but payphones that needed coins to call 911.

Nothing to do with that night. He was in Ireland and presumably drunk though.

The End