How should I behave! Restitution can give you answers! Pall Olafsson Icelandpallo@gardabaer.is.

How should I behave!How should I behave!Restitution can give you answers!Restitution can give you answers!

Pall Olafsson Pall Olafsson

IcelandIcelandpallo@gardabaer.ispallo@gardabaer.is

Who am I?

• I'm second oldest of nine siblings • Worked as a Carpenter for 9 years• Master of social work from Sweden • Social worker in child care for 9 years • Educated in Restitution in USA • President of the Icelandic association of social

workers• Father of five children 24, 18, 12, 10 and 2 years • Part of a popular icelandic family system

Something got to change?

• Children are sexually abused– 17 % of children in Iceland

» Offender are often young boys

• Children use drugs– The Breeser generation, “light” drug users

» Use drug to have “fun” faster, easier

• Children “live” in another (virtual) reality – Internet -rules -live –friends -info

» 60 % of children have seen porno on Internet

• Children are not feeling good about them self– More use of medical products with children

» antidepressants, painkillers, psychoactive drugs

What can we do!What can we do!Teach children self control instead of Teach children self control instead of punishing ore rewarding them to behave punishing ore rewarding them to behave

Help people to learn from their mistakes Help people to learn from their mistakes instead of punishing them instead of punishing them

Believe that people are good and they Believe that people are good and they have the power to change their behaviorhave the power to change their behavior

What is Restitution?What is Restitution?

is a pay it forwardis a pay it forward

is about restoring relationshipsis about restoring relationships

is an invitation is an invitation

teaches the person to look inside teaches the person to look inside

is about looking for the need behind is about looking for the need behind the problem the problem

focuses on solutionsfocuses on solutions

restores the person to the grouprestores the person to the group

Restitution is Restitution is creating conditions for the creating conditions for the

person person

to fix their mistakes to fix their mistakes

and return to the group and return to the group

strengthenedstrengthened

Restitution comes fromRestitution comes fromFirst nations USA - Canada First nations USA - Canada

The medicine wheelThe medicine wheel

Abraham Maslow Abraham Maslow The pyramid of needsThe pyramid of needs

William Glasser William Glasser Applied Control Theory -> Choice theoryApplied Control Theory -> Choice theoryReality therapyReality therapy

William PowersWilliam PowersPerceptual control theory Perceptual control theory

Diane Gossen – RestitutionDiane Gossen – RestitutionThe five stages of controlThe five stages of controlThe five needsThe five needsThe restitution triangleThe restitution triangle

Tree reasons people behave!Tree reasons people behave!James Wilson- The moral senseJames Wilson- The moral sense

To avoid pain – what happens if I do it?To avoid pain – what happens if I do it? Punishment Punishment GuiltGuilt Consequences Consequences

For respect or reward from another – wFor respect or reward from another – what hat will I get if I do it?will I get if I do it?

Gold stars and smiley facesGold stars and smiley faces What is a good performance?What is a good performance?

For respect of self – For respect of self – Who will I be if I do Who will I be if I do this?this?

What kind of person do I want to be?What kind of person do I want to be? Is it ok to make a mistake? Is it ok to make a mistake? What does it say about me if I do it? What does it say about me if I do it?

Brain-Based Research Tells Brain-Based Research Tells Us:Us:

Brain-Based Learning by Eric JensenBrain-Based Learning by Eric Jensen

People lose interest in activities when People lose interest in activities when they feel coerced or manipulated.they feel coerced or manipulated.

If you threaten people it may foster If you threaten people it may foster more of the same behaviormore of the same behavior

Children who feel threatened by Children who feel threatened by adults are least likely to change their adults are least likely to change their behavior. behavior.

PRECURSORS TO VIOLENCEPRECURSORS TO VIOLENCEJames GilliganJames Gilligan

1.1. D Do not feel part of the o not feel part of the group.group.

2. 2. Do not have Do not have behaviors to deal behaviors to deal with frustration. with frustration.

3. 3. Feel shame of being Feel shame of being ashamed.ashamed.

Changing our thinking! Control Theory ViewControl Theory View Stimulus-Response ViewStimulus-Response View

Our realities are different Our realities are different ----------------------------------

Everyone sees different pictures ------Everyone sees different pictures ------

We try to understand other’s views--- We try to understand other’s views---

All behavior is purposeful ---------------All behavior is purposeful ---------------

I can only control myself -----------------I can only control myself -----------------

I cannot control others --------------------I cannot control others --------------------

Win/win mental model ---------------------Win/win mental model ---------------------

Our realities are the sameOur realities are the same

Everyone sees the same pictureEveryone sees the same picture

We conform others to our viewWe conform others to our view

Misbehavior is seen as badMisbehavior is seen as bad

Others control meOthers control me

I can control othersI can control others

Win/ lose mental modelWin/ lose mental model

Academic achievement is traced to

Technical factorsTechnical factors 6%6%

Factors beyondFactors beyondthe school’s controlthe school’s control 18%18%

Quality of Quality of human interactionhuman interaction 76%76%

Therapist - client

• ““The quality of the counselling relationship The quality of the counselling relationship has consistently been found to have the has consistently been found to have the most significant impact on successful most significant impact on successful client outcome.”client outcome.”

• To have a success in counselling you must have good relationship

Fortune 500Important Job Skills

• 1970s• 1. Writing • 2. Math- skills • 3. Reading• 4. Talking • 5. Listening

• Today• 1. Teamwork• 2. Problem solving• 3. Interpersonal skills• 4. Talking• 5. Listening

Chill time - cooling time – to be able to use your brain!Never try to have a discussion when people are feeling;

angry, mad, irritated or afraid

Freeze!What's the time ?

Is it 10 45?

Adult

Does

Adult

Says

Legacy

Youth

Says

Youth

OutcomeRepeat Offense

Yells and Points

If you don't doit I'll....

RebelBlame

I don't care

Punisher

Adult

Does

Adult

Says

Legacy

Youth

Says

Youth

Outcome

Preaches andShoulds

You should haveknown better

Hide Deny Lie

I'm sorry

Low self-esteem

Guilter

AdultDoes

AdultSays

Legacy

YouthSays

Youth

Outcome

Makes excusesfor them

Do it for me

Dependency

I thought youwere my friend

Weakness

Buddy

AdultDoes

AdultSays

Legacy

YouthSays

Youth

Outcome

Counts and Measures

What's the rule?

Conformity

How high,How far?

Consequenceoriented

Monitor

AdultDoes

AdultSays

Legacy

YouthSays

YouthOutcome

AsksQuestions

What doyou believe?

Strengthen

What can I doto fix it?

Self restitution

Manager

Rules Beliefs Monitor of Consequences Manager of

Restitution

• What’s the rule?• What’s the

consequence?• What did you do?• What happens now?

• What do we believe?• Do you believe it?• If you believe it, do

you want to fix this?• If you fix it, what does

that say about you?

It's not what you say It's how you say it that's important! Professor Albert Mehrabian of UCLA

7%

38%

55%

Words Tone Face and body

First nations “Medicine wheel”First nations “Medicine wheel”

Diane’s Circle of needs

Belonging Power

Fun Freedom

Survival

• Wants to be liked• Very sociable

• Works hard for other’s approval. • Peers are important

• Enjoys activities that are cooperative

Belonging

• Wants to be in control• Observes before trying new things

• Distressed by mistakes• Very organized, systematic

• Likes to be the best

Power

• Wants choices• Needs to move around• Loves to experiment• Not so influenced by others• Tries anything new and engaging

Freedom

• Wants to enjoy work• Amusing even when misbehaving• Collectors: Love games• Jokester; Clowns around

Fun

• Food• Shelter• Sleep• Wellness

Survival

I’m like this at home!PowerPower

Belonging Belonging

FunFun

FreedomFreedom

I’m like this at work!PowerPower

Belonging Belonging

FunFun

FreedomFreedom

How are you?

at home, in school, with friends, at work ……..

PowerPower

Belonging Belonging

Fun Fun

FreedomFreedom

Topics

• Restitution in consultation– The restitution triangle– Restitution for your family

• Restitution at work– The circle– Giant steps– Little groups

• The needs– The need behind the behavior