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Text©FrancescaSimon2004
Internalillustrations©TonyRoss2004
Coverillustration©TonyRoss2008
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SourceofProduction:VersaPress,EastPeoria,Illinois,USA
DateofProduction:April2010
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FrontCover
TitlePage
Copyright
Mummy’sCurseJokes
GrislyGrubJokes
Gross-OutJokes
ScarySitterJokes
TerminatorGladiatorJokes
UnderpantsJokes
Stinkbombs
DoctorDettolJokes
DizzyDave’sDinosaurJokes
MoodyMargaretKnocksSourSusanJokes
BeefyBert’sBeastlyJokes
AerobicAl’sSportsJokes
JokesNottoTellAuntRuby
JokesNottoTellMissBattle-Axe
PerfectPeter’sFavoriteJokes
JokesMuchTooRudetoTellMom
MoreHorridHenry!
AbouttheAuthor
AbouttheIllustrator
BackCover
TothechildrenofYerburyPrimarySchool,whotoldHenrysuchbrilliantjokes
Whydidn’ttheskeletonandthemonsterfight?
Theskeletondidn’thavetheguts.
WhywastheEgyptianboyupset?
Hisdaddywasamummy.
Duringwhichagedidmummieslive?
TheBand-age.
Whatdoesamonstermommysaytoherkidsatlunch?
Don’ttalkwithsomeoneinyourmouth.
Whatdidthemetalmonsterwantwrittenonhisgravestone?
Rustinpiece.
WhatpetsdoesDraculaown?
Abloodhoundandaghoulfish.
WhatissunginthevampireproductionofAbbahits?
Fangyouforthemusic.
Whoworksinmonsterhospitals?
Askeletonstaff.
Whatfeaturedowitcheslovehavingontheircomputers?
Aspellchecker.
Whatshouldyoudoaftershakinghandswithamonster?
Countyourfingers.
Whenavampiredrinkstoomuch,whatdoesitget?
Afangover.
Whatdidthevampirecrawlingthroughthedesertsay?
“Blood!Blood!”
Whatdovampirescrosstheseain?
Bloodvessels.
Whichmonsteratethethreebears’porridge?
Ghouldilocks.
Whatdoyoucallaghostlyteddybear?
WinnietheOOOOOHhhhhhhhh.
Whathaircutdomonsterslike?
Deadlocks.
Whatdidthepirategetwhenhehittheskeleton?
Askullandverycrossbones.
Whydidn’ttheskeletongototheparty?
Hehadnobodytogowith.
Wheredoskeletonsswim?
TheDeadSea.
Boy:Mommy,Mommy,Ralphjustcalledmeawerewolf.
Mom:Shutupandcombyourface.
Whyarezombiesneverlonely?
Theycanalwaysdigupafewfriends.
Whatdoyougetifahuge,hairymonsterstepsonBatmanandRobin?
FlatmanandRibbon
Hangman:Doyouhavealastrequest?
Prisoner:Yes,canIsingasong?
Hangman:Allright.Justone.
Prisoner:Tenmillionbottlesofpoponthewall…
WhyistheletterVlikeamonster?
ItcomesafterU.
Whatdidthemonstersaytohisdaughter?
“You’retheappleofmyeyeeyeeyeeye.”
Whatisamonster’sfavoritegame?
Hideandshriek.
Whatshouldyousayifyoumeetaghost?
Howdoyouboo?
Whatdolittleghostsdrink?
Evaporatedmilk.
Whendoghostsusuallyappear?
Justbeforesomeonescreams.
Whatwouldyoufindonahauntedbeach?
Asandwitch.
Whatdoshort-sightedghostswear?
Spooktacles.
Whydidthemummyhavenofriends?
Hewastoowrappedupinhimself.
Wheredoghostsgoonvacation?
DeathValley.
BELCH!CRUNCH!
OOZE!SPLAT!Hahaha.Thesearegreatjokestotellwhenyouwanttomakepeoplefeel
sick.
VampiretoSon:You’relate.Wehadguestsfordinner.Theyweredelicious!
Whatdocannibalslikeforbreakfast?
Butteredhost.
WhatdoesDraculalikeforbreakfast?
Readyneck.
Whydidthevampireneedmouthwash?
Becausehehadbatbreath.
Whatdomonstersmakewithcars?
Trafficjam.
Whatdocannibalsplayatparties?
Swallowtheleader.
Whatdoesaseamonstereatfordinner?
Fishandships.
Howdomonstershavetheireggs?
Terrifried.
What’sthedifferencebetweenschoollunchesandslugs?
Schoollunchescomeonplates.
Whatdoyoucallsomeonewhoputspoisonontheirbreakfast?
Acerealkiller.
Whatdomermaidshaveontoast?
Mermalade.
Dozombieseatpopcornwiththeirfingers?
No,theyeatthefingersseparately…
What’syellowanddangerous?
Shark-infestedcustard.
Whatdoyougetifyoucrossaneggwithabarrelofgunpowder?
Aboom-meringue.
Waiter!Waiter!Yourthumbisinmysoup.
Don’tworry.It’snothot.
Waiter!Waiter!Thiseggisbad.
Don’tblameme,Ionlylaidthetable.
Waiter!Waiter!There’saflyinmysoup.
I’msorry,sir,thedogmusthavemissedit.
Henry:Whyisyourthumbonmysandwich?
DemonDinnerLady:Tostopitfromfallingontheflooragain.
What’sworsethanfindingacaterpillarinyourapple?
Findinghalfacaterpillarinyourapple.
Whydon’tcannibalseatclowns?
Becausetheytastefunny.
WhatdoFrenchpupilssayafterfinishingschoollunches?
Mercy.
Whathappenedtothebutcherwhobackedintoameatgrinder?
Hegotalittlebehindinhiswork.
Henry:What’syellow,brown,andhairy?
Peter:Idon’tknow.
Henry:Cheeseontoaststucktothecarpet.
Whatdocannibalsdoatweddings?
Toastthebrideandgroom.
Whatdoyougiveacannibalwho’slatefordinner?
Thecoldshoulder.
What’syellow,flat,andfliesaroundthekitchen?
Anunidentifiedflyingomelette.
What’stheworstthingyou’llfindinaschoolcafeteria?
Thefood.
MissBattle-Axe:Henry,howmanyboneshaveyougotinyourbody?
Henry:Itfeelslike4,000.Ihadfishforlunchintheschoolcafeteria.
“Outofmyway,worm!Thesejokesaremuchtoogrossforyou!”
WhathappenswhenababyeatsRiceKrispies?
Itgoessnap,crackle,andpoop.
Whyisyourmouthfulloflint?
Mymomvacuumedupmycandy.
Whatdoyougetifyousitunderacow?
Apatonthehead.
Whatmonsterdoyougetattheendofyourfinger?
Abogeymonster.
Waiter!Waiter!There’saflyinmysoup.
Quietoreveryonewillwantone.
What’sgreenandhangsfromtrees?
Giraffesnot.
Whatdoyougiveseasickelephants?
Plentyofroom.
Whydogorillashavebignostrils?
Becausetheyhavebigfingerstopickit.
What’saninsect’sbestpick-upline?
“Isthisstooltaken?”
Whatgoesha-ha-bonk?
Amanlaughinghisheadoff.
Whydidthesandscream?
Theseaweed.
Whatdoyoudowhenyournosegoesonstrike?
Picket.
Howdoyoumakeatissuedance?
Putalittleboogieinit.
Knockknock.
Who’sthere?
Alec.
Alecwho?
Alectopickmynose.
Knockknock.
Who’sthere?
Ahab.
Ahabwho?
Ahabtogotothebathroom.
What’sbrownandsticky?
Abrownstick.
Warning!Makesureyoucanmakeaquickgetawayifyoutellarabidbaby-sitteranyofthesejokes.Believeme,Iknow.
Henry:Rebecca,youremindmeofamoviestar.
RabidRebecca:Oooh.Whichone?
Henry:TheIncredibleHulk.
RabidRebecca:Ialwaysspeakmymind.
Henry:I’msurprisedyouhavesomuchtosaythen.
RabidRebecca:WheneverI’mdowninthedumps,IbuymyselfanewT-shirt.
Henry:Sothat’swhereyougetthem.
Henry:WhydoIhavetogotobed?
Rebecca:Becausethebedwon’tcometoyou.
Rebecca:Howlongcansomeonelivewithoutabrain?
Henry:Howoldareyou?
Didyouhearaboutthebaby-sitterwhoaccidentallypluggedherelectricblanketintothetoaster?
Shespentthenightpoppingoutofbed.
Nahnahnenahnah
Ifyouwanttomakeyourmean,horribleparentsreallyscream,justtellthemoneofthesejokes.
Whatdoyoucallasheepwithamachinegun?
Lambo.
What’sgotfourlegsandanarm?
ARottweiler.
Whatdoyoucallaparakeetthat’sbeenrunoverbyalawnmower?
Shreddedtweet.
Whatdidtheflysayasithitthewindshield?
That’smeallover.
What’sthelastthingthatgoesthroughawasp’smindwhenithitsawindshield?
Itssting.
What’sgreenandredandgoesaroundandaround?
Afroginablender.
Whatdoyoucallacowwithnolegs?
Groundbeef.
Whydidthechickencrosstheroad,rollinthemud,andcrosstheroadagain?
Becausehewasadirtydouble-crosser.
Didyouhearaboutthemanwhohadadogwithnolegs?
Hetookitforadrageveryday.
Howdoyoukillacircus?
Goforthejuggler.
Boyohboy!Jokesdonotgetmorehorridthanthese.
What’shairy,scary,andwearsitsunderwearonitshead?
TheUnderwere-wolf.
KnockKnock!
Who’sthere?
Underwear.
Underwearwho?
Iunderwearmymamais?
Whydowerewolveshaveholesintheirunderpants?
Sofurrytailscancometrue.
Whatgushesoutofthegroundshouting,“tightywhities,tightywhities”?
Crudeoil.
Whatgushesoutofthegroundshouting,“Underwear,underwear”?
Refinedoil.
Whathangsoutyourunderpants?
Yourmom.
Whydidthegolferweartwopairsofunderpants?
Incasehegotaholeinone.
What’sthebestwaytomakeunderpantslast?
Makevestsfirst.
Knockknock.
Who’sthere?
Icy.
Icywho?
Iseeyourunderpants.
Whatgoes300mphonawashingline?
Hondapants.
Whatdoyougetifyoupullyourunderwearuptoyourneck?
Achestofdrawers.
MiniMinnie:DoyouknowhowoldMissBattle-Axeis?
LispingLilly:No,butIknowhowtofindout.Takeoffherunderpants!
MiniMinnie:Takeoffherunderpants!Howwillthattellus?
LispingLilly:“Well,inmyunderpantsitsays,‘3to5years.’”
Holdyournoseforthesestinkers!
Whatdidtheskunksaywhenthewindblewintheoppositedirection?
It’sallcomingbacktomenow.
Whatdoyougetifyoucrossabearwithaskunk?
WinniethePoo.
Howdoyoustopsomeonewho’sbeenworkingoutinthegymonahotdayfromsmelling?
Putaclothespinonhisnose.
Whydogiraffeshavelongnecks?
Theirfeetsmell.
Whatdidoneburpsaytotheother?
Let’sbestinkersandsneakouttheotherend.
(Ralph’sfavoritejoke)
Knockknock.
Who’sthere?
Rottenegg.
Rotteneggwho?
SPLATtheyolksonyou.
What’sbrownandsitsonapianostool?
Beethoven’slastmovement.
Whatdoyougetifyoucrossaskunkwithacuckoo?
Abirdthatstinksanddoesn’tgiveahoot.
Whatdoyoucallaflyingskunk?
Asmellicopter.
Whatisthefeelingthatyou’vesmelledacertainskunkbefore?
Déjàphew!
Nexttimeadoctortriestogiveyouaninjection,distractherwithafewofthesegoodies.
Doctor,Doctor,IthinkI’mapairofcurtains.
Well,pullyourselftogether.
DidyouhearaboutthemanwhoswallowedsomeChristmasdecorations?
Hegottinselitis.
Doctor,Doctor,what’sagoodcureforsnakebites?
Stopbitingsomanysnakes.
Whatdidthevampiredoctorsaytohispatients?
Necksplease.
Doctor,Doctor,canyougivemesomethingforwind?
Sure,takethiskite.
Whenisthebesttimetovisitthedentist?
Tooth-hurty.
Doctor,Doctor,peoplekeepignoringme.
Whosaidthat?
WhatisthemostcommonillnessinChina?
Kungflu.
Doctor,Doctor,youhavetohelpmeout.
Whichwaydidyoucomein?
Doctor,Doctor,IfeelasifI’mgettingsmaller.
You’lljusthavetobealittlepatient.
Doctor,Doctor,there’ssomethingwrongwithmytummy.
Keepyoursweateronandnobodywillnotice.
Agirlwalksintothedoctor’soffice.Shehasabananainherleftearandacarrotinherright.There’sapieceofceleryinonenostrilandasmall
potatointheother.
“Doctor,Ifeelterrible,”shesays.
“Well,yourproblemisobvious,”saysthedoctor.“You’reclearlynoteatingproperly.”
DoctorDoctor,IkeepthinkingI’mabell.
Takethismedicineand,ifitdoesn’twork,givemearing.
Doctor,Doctor,thisointmentismakingmyelbowsmart!
Thenmaybeyoushouldputsomeonyourhead!
Doctor,Doctor,I’vejustswallowedarolloffilm.
Sitinthesunshineandhopethatnothingdevelops.
Doctor,Doctor,IthinkIneedglasses.
Youcertainlydo,sir.Thisisaflowershop.
Doctor,Doctor,Ikeepseeinginsectsspinning.
Don’tworry.It’sjustabugthat’sgoingaround.
Davepaidme$1,soIlethimaddafewdinosaurjokestomybook.
Whatdoyoucalladinosaurwithoneeye?
Do-you-think-he-saur-us.
Whydidthedinosaurcrosstheroad?
Thereweren’tanychickensinthosedays.
Howdoyoustopadinosaurfromcharging?
Takeawayhiscreditcard.
Whatdoyoucalladinosaurwithabananaineachear?
Anythingyoulike.Hecan’thearyou.
WhydidtheTyrannosaurusRexgotothedoctor?
Hehadadino-sore.
Whatdoyougetwhendinosaurscrashtheircars?
Tyrannosauruswrecks.
WhatdoyoucallitwhenaTyrannosaurusRexgetstheballintothebackofthenet?
Adino-score.
WhatdoyougetwhenyoucrossaTyrannosaurusRexwithfireworks?
Dino-mite.
Whatwasthescariestprehistoricanimal?
TheTerror-dactyl.
Whatdiddinosaurshavethatnootheranimalseverhad?
Babydinosaurs.
WhatdoyoucallaTyrannosaurusRexthatsleepsallday?
Adino-snore.
WhydoTyrannosaurusRexliketoeatsnowmen?
Theymeltintheirmouths.
What’shugeandbumpsintomountains?
Adinosaurplayingblindman’sbuff.
Whatdoyoucalladinosaurwithnohead?
ATyrannosaurusNex.
Whatdoyougetifyoucrossadinosaurwithapig?
JurassicPork.
Howcanyoutellifadinosaurisavegetarian?
Liedownonaplate.
WhydidtheTyrannosaurusRexcrosstheroad?
Sohecouldeatthechickensontheotherside.
TheonlygoodthingaboutlivingnextdoortoMoodyMargaretisthatsheknowssomegoodjokes.There’sjustoneproblem…
Margaret:KnockKnock.
Susan:Who’sthere?
Margaret:Littleoldlady.
Susan:Littleoldladywho?
Margaret(yodelling):Littleoldladyooooh.
Margaret:KnockKnock.
Susan:Who’sthere?
Margaret:Abyssinia.
Susan:Abyssiniawho?
Margaret:AbyssiniawhenIgetback.
Margaret:KnockKnock.
Susan:Who’sthere?
Margaret:Canoe.
Susan:Canoewho?
Margaret:Canoeopenthedoor?It’scoldouthere.
Margaret:KnockKnock.
Susan:Who’sthere?
Margaret:Bella.
Susan:Bellawho?
Margaret:Bellabottomtrousers.
Margaret:KnockKnock.
Susan:Who’sthere?
Margaret:Dishes.
Susan:Disheswho?
Margaret:Dishesyourfriend.Letmein.
Margaret:Knockknock.
Susan:Who’sthere?
Margaret:Lettuce.
Susan:Lettucewho?
Margaret:Lettucein,it’sraining.
Margaret:Knockknock.
Susan:Who’sthere?
Margaret:Sorry.
Susan:Sorrywho?
Margaret:Sorry,wrongdoor.
Margaret:Knockknock.
Susan:Who’sthere?
Margaret:Boo.
Susan:Boowho?
Margaret:Don’tcry,it’sonlyajoke.
Margaret:Knockknock.
Susan:Who’sthere?
Margaret:Abby.
Susan:Abbywho?
Margaret:Abbystungmeonthebottom.
Margaret:Knockknock.
Susan:Who’sthere?
Margaret:Nun.
Susan:Nunwho?
Margaret:Nunofyourbusiness.
Margaret:Knockknock.
Susan:Who’sthere?
Margaret:Germaine.
Susan:Germainewho?
Margaret:Germaineyoudon’trecognizeme?
Margaret:Knockknock.
Susan:Who’sthere?
Margaret:Ron.
Susan:Ronwho?
Margaret:Ronasfastasyoucan!
Margaret:Knockknock.
Susan:Who’sthere?
Margaret:Ada.
Susan:Adawho?
Margaret:AdalotofbreakfastandI’mstuffed.
Margaret:Knockknock.
Susan:Who’sthere?
Margaret:Cowsgo.
Susan:Cowsgowho?
Margaret:Notheydon’t,theygomoo.
Margaret:Knockknock.
Susan:Who’sthere?
Margaret:Adjust.
Susan:Adjustwho?
Margaret:Adjustmadeamessonthefloor.
Icouldn’tstealanymoreoftheirjokesbecause…Aarrrggghhh!I’mgettingoutofhere!
“Howcomeyoualwaysgettogofirst?”saidSusansourly.“Becauseyoucan’ttelljokesandIcan,”saidMargaret.
“Icantootelljokes!”“Can’t!”“Can!”SLAP!SLAP!
Henry:Bert,whydidthechickencrosstheroad?Bert:Idunno.
Henry:There’snopointtellingyoujokes,Bert!Whydoyoualwaysanswer,“Idunno”?Bert:Idunno.
Whatdoyougetifyoucrossacentipedewithaparrot?
Awalkie-talkie.
Whatdoyoucallasheepwithnolegs?
Acloud.
Whydoduckshavewebbedfeet?
Tostampoutforestfires.
Whydoelephantshavebig,flatfeet?
Tostampoutflamingducks.
Whatgoes99-clonk,99-clonk,99-clonk?
Acentipedewithawoodenleg.
Howdoyouhireahorse?
Putabrickundereachhoof.
What’sworsethananalligatorwithatoothache?
Acentipedewithathlete’sfoot.
Howdoyouknowwhichendofawormisitshead?
Tickleitandseewhichendsmiles.
Whathas50legsbutcan’twalk?
Halfacentipede.
Whathasfourwheelsandflies?
Adumpster.
Whatdidtheslugsayasheslippeddownthewall?
Howslimeflies.
Whydidtheturkeycrosstheroad?
Itwasthechicken’sdayoff.
Howdoyouknowwhenthere’sanelephantunderyourbed?
Yournosetouchestheceiling.
What’sgrayandsquirtsjamatyou?
Amouseeatingadoughnut.
Whatdidtheteddybearsaywhenhewasoffereddessert?
Nothanks,I’mstuffed.
Howdoesanelephantgetupatree?
Sitsonanacornandwaitsforittogrow.
Howdoesanelephantgetdownfromatree?
Sitsonaleafandwaitsforittofall.
What’sblackandwhiteandredallover?
Azebrawitharash.
Wheredofrogskeeptheirmoney?
Inriverbanks.
Howlongshouldagiraffe’slegsbe?
Longenoughtotouchtheground.
What’sachicken’sfavoriteTVshow?
Thefeatherforecast.
Whydomiceneedoiling?
Theysqueak.
Whatbirdisalwaysoutofbreath?
Apuffin.
Whatdoyoucallacartonofducks?
Aboxofquackers.
What’safrog’sfavoritedrink?
Croak-a-Cola.
WhatdoyoucallacrocodileattheNorthPole?
Lost.
Howdoyoustopmolesfromdiggingupthegarden?
Hidetheirshovels.
Whatdoyoucallaflywithnowings?
Awalk.
Anelephantiswalkingthroughthejunglewhenheseesaturtlesittingbyalog.
“Hey,”saystheelephant,“you’retheturtlethatbitme57yearsago.”
“Howonearthdoyourememberthat?”askstheturtle.
“Easy,”saystheelephant,“I’vegotturtlerecall.”
IhateP.E.!IhateSportsDay,too,unlessofcourseIwineverything.ButAlpromisedtopickmeaheadofMargaretforsoccertodayifIlethimputsomejokesinmybook.It’llbeworthitjusttoseethelookon
Margaret’sgrumpy,misery-gutface!
WhyisCinderellabadatfootball?
Shehasapumpkinashercoach.
WhywasCinderellakickedoffthesoccerteam?
Shekeptrunningawayfromtheball.
Whatdidoneearwigsaytotheotherearwigastheyfelloutofatree?
Earwiggo,earwiggo,earwiggo.
Whatdoyoucallaboomerangthatdoesn’twork?
Astick.
Whatisaghost’sfavoritepositioninsoccer?
Ghoulkeeper.
WheredidtheGorillaplaybaseball?
Inthebushleagues,ofcourse!
Whatisthehardestpartaboutskydiving?
Theground.
Howisabaseballteamsimilartoapancake?
Theybothneedagoodbatter.
Howdidthesoccerfieldbecomeatriangle?
Somebodytookacorner.
Whydidthebasketballplayergotothedoctor?
Togetmoreshots.
Whathaseighteenlegsandcatchesflies?
Abaseballteam.
Howdidthebasketballcourtgetwet?
Theplayersdribbledalloverit.
Whatkindofcatsliketogobowling?
Alleycats.
Whydoelephantshavegraytrunks?
They’reallonthesameswimmingteam.
Whyisatennisgamesoloud?
Becausetheplayersraisearacquet.
WhyshouldSportsDaysneverbeheldinthejungle?
Therearetoomanycheetahs.
Whywasn’tthebasketballplayerinvitedtodinner?
Hedribbledtoomuch.
Whydidn’tthedoglikeswimming?
Itwasaboxer.
Whatpartofaswimmingpoolisneverthesame?
Thechangingrooms.
Wheredooldbowlingballsendup?
Thegutter.
Whathappenedwhentwoballsofstringhadarace?
Itendedinatie.
What’sAerobicAl’sfavoritesubjectinschool?
Jog-graphy.
Mom:Henry!I’vejusthadthestrangestcallfromAuntRuby…Henry:Hide!
Whatdoyoucallacannibalthatatehismother’ssister?
Anaunteater.
Whatdoyoucallareallyoldaunt?
Anaunt-ique!
Whydoyouputyourauntinthefridge?
TomakeAuntie-freeze.
Hasyourauntcaughtupwithyouyet?
No,butwhenshedoesI’mgoingtoneedalotofAuntie-septic.
Howdoyoumakeanti-freeze?
Hidehernightgown.
HowcanyoutellifAuntRuby’sbeentovisit?
She’sstillinthehouse.
Mom:Henry,we’rehavingAuntRubyforlunchthisSunday.
Henry:Can’twehaveroastbeefinstead?
Mom:Henry!WhydidyouputasluginAuntRuby’sbed?
Henry:Icouldn’tfindasnake.
AuntRuby:Goodness!It’srainingcatsanddogs.
Henry:Iknow.Inearlysteppedinapoodle.
AuntRuby:Well,Henry,I’mleavingtomorrow.Areyousorry?
Henry:Ohyes,AuntRuby,Ithoughtyouwereleavingtoday.
Thesejokesareguaranteedtosendteachersscreamingfromtheclassroom.Justdon’tblamemeifyougetsenttotheprincipal…
Whatdidtheinflatableteachersaytotheinflatableboywhobroughtapintotheinflatableschool?
You’veletmedown,you’velettheschooldown,butworstofall,you’veletyourselfdown.
MissBattle-Axe:Henry!Whatisgluemadeoutof?
Henry:Um…sticks.
MissBattle-Axe:Henry!WereyoucopyingSusan’sanswers?
Henry:No!Iwasjustseeingifshegotmineright.
Henry:Wouldyoublamesomeoneforsomethingtheydidn’tdo?
MissBattle-Axe:Ofcoursenot.
Henry:Good,Ididn’tdomyhomework.
MissBattle-Axe:Henry,IhopeIdidn’tseeyoucopyingClare.
Henry:Ihopeyoudidn’teither.
MissBattle-Axe:Linda!Whyareyoulateforschoolagain?
LazyLinda:Ioverslept.
MissBattle-Axe:Youmeanyousleepathomeaswell?
WhatwouldyougetifyoucrossedMissBattle-Axewithavampire?
Lotsofbloodtests.
MissBattle-Axe:William!You’veputyourshoesonthewrongfeet.
WeepyWilliam:Waaaah!ButthesearetheonlyfeetI’vegot.
MissBattle-Axe:Henry!Youmissedschoolyesterday,didn’tyou?
Henry:Notverymuch.
MissBattle-Axe:Henry!Ifyoumultiplied1497by371whatanswerwouldyouget?
Henry:Thewrongone.
MissBattle-Axe:Henry,wherearetheKingsandQueensofEnglandcrowned?
Henry:Ontheirheads.
MissBattle-Axe:Henry,makeupasentencewiththeword“lettuce”init.
Henry:Letusoutofschoolearly.
What’sthedifferencebetweenhomeworkandanonion?
Nobodycrieswhenyoucutuphomework.
MissBattle-Axe:Henry!I’msendingyouoffthesoccerfield.
Henry:Whatfor?
MissBattle-Axe:Therestofthematch.
MissBattle-Axe:Henry,whatisamushroom?
Henry:Theplacewheretheymakecafeterialunches.
Didyouhearaboutthecross-eyedteacher?
Hecouldn’tcontrolhispupils.
MissBattle-Axe:Henry!Whyareyoudoingaheadstandintheclassroom?
Henry:Yousaidweshouldturnthingsoverinourminds.
Henry:Iwishwelivedintheoldendays.
Ralph:Why?
Henry:Wewouldn’thavesomuchhistorytolearn.
MissBattle-Axe:Henry,Idowishyou’dpayalittleattention.
Henry:Believeme,I’mpayingaslittleasIcan.
MissBattle-Axe:That’sthemosthorridboyinthewholeschool.
Mom:That’smyson.
MissBattle-Axe:Oh,I’msosorry.
Mom:You’resorry?
“NO!Idon’twantPeter’sstupid,smellyjokesinmyjokebook.”“Don’tbehorrid,Henry!”
“IDON’TWANTPETER’SSTUPID,BABYJOKESINMYBOOK.ANDTHAT’SFINAL.”
“Henry,I’mwarningyou…”“NOOOOOOOO!”
“That’sit,Henry.NoTVforaweek.”“Ohallright.Hecanputinhisstupid,yuckyjokes.”
Psst.Listen,everyone,don’treadthem.They’reawful.Skipaheadtothenextsection.
What’sgreenandridesahorse?
AlexandertheGrape.
IthoughtIsaid,don’treadPeter’sdumbjokes!
Whydidthepicturegotojail?
Becauseitwasframed.
Whathappensifyoufallasleepunderacar?
Youwakeupoilyinthemorning.
Toldyoutheywereawful!Nowstopreading!
Whycouldn’tthesailorplaycards?
Thecaptainwasstandingonthedeck.
Howdochickensdance?
Chicktochick.
Groan.
Whydidthemanwithonehandcrosstheroad?
Togettothesecondhandshop.
Whydidthegermcrossthemicroscope?
Togettotheotherslide.
Whatdoyoucallavampirethatlivesinthekitchen?
Spatula!
HowdoyouuseanEgyptiandoorbell?
Justtoot-and-come-in.
What’sorangeandsoundslikeaparrot?
Acarrot.
Whatdoyougetifyoupourhotwaterdownarabbithole?
Hotcrossbunnies.
Youstillhere?Thenit’syourownfaultifyouhavetoreaddumbbunnyjokes.
Whatdoyoucallablindreindeer?
Noeyedeer.
Whydidtheelephantcrosstheroad?
Thechickenwasonvacation.
“Peter!That’smyjoke.Ialreadytoldit.”“It’smyjoke!Youstoleit.”
“Didnot.”“Didtoo.”
“MOMMMMMMMMM!”
Whydidthebubblegumcrosstheroad?
Itwasstucktothechicken’sfoot.
Howmuchdopiratespayfortheirearrings?
Buccaneer.
Whatdoyoucallapriestonamotorcycle?
Rev.
Wheredofrogshangtheircoats?
Inacroakroom.
Peter!That’stheworstjokeI’veeverheard.Crossitoutthisminute.
Whatdidthepolicemansaytohisbelly?
“You’reunderavest.”
What’ssevenfeettall,green,andsitsinthecorner?
TheIncredibleSulk.
Whatdoyoucallabearwithoutanear?
B.
Onlyanugly,smellytoadwouldfindthatfunny.
WhatdoestheSpanishfarmersaytohischickens?
“Ohlay!”
Whatdidthemartiansaytothegaspump?
TakeyourfingeroutofyourearwhenI’mtalkingtoyou.
Whenisatractornotatractor?
Whenitturnsintoafield.
WhenI’mking,anyonewhotellsanyofPeter’sstupidjokeswillgettrampledonbyelephants.Imeanit!
Howdoyouknowflowersarelazy?
Youalwaysfindtheminbeds.
WhathappenswhenyoudropagreenrockintheRedSea?
Itgetswet.
Aaarrrgghhh.
Whichpetmakesthemostnoise?
Atrum-pet.
They’refinished.Phew.Thatwashorrible.I’mgoingtogluethosepagestogethersonoonewilleverhavetosufferagain.
Yes!Nowsomerealjokes.
Whatdidtheconstipatedmathematiciando?
Hegotapencilandworkeditout.
Whatjumpsoutfrombehindasnowdriftandshowsyouhisbottom?
TheA-bum-inablesnowman.
Alittlegirlwetherselfinclassandtheteacheraskedherwhyshedidn’tputupherhand.
“Idid,Miss,butitranthroughmyfingers.”
Ifyou’reAmericanwhenyougointothebathroomandAmericanwhenyoucomeoutofthebathroom,whatareyouwhenyou’reinthetoilet?
European.
KnockKnock!
Who’sthere?
Doneup.
Doneupwho?
Youdidapoo?!
Didyouhearaboutthecannibalwhopassedhiscousininthewoods?
Whatdidtheelephantsaytothenakedman?
“Youcan’tpickup—”
“Henry!That’senough!Gotoyourroom!”
AbouttheAuthor
FrancescaSimon spent her childhood on the beach in California and thenwenttoYaleandOxfordUniversitiestostudymedievalhistoryandliterature.She now lives in London with her family. She has written over forty-fivebooksandwontheChildren’sBookoftheYearin2008attheGalaxyBritishBookAwardsforHorridHenryandtheAbominableSnowman.
AbouttheIllustrator
Tony Ross is one of Britain’s best known illustrators, with many picturebookstohisnameaswellaslinedrawingsformanyfictiontitles.HelivesinCheshire.
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