Getting to yes a guide for divorcing parents with children 2

June Edvenson,Edvenson Consulting

Designed from Getting to Yes, by Fisher, Ury & Paton

1. ”It should produce a wise agreement if agreement is possible.”

2. ”It should be efficient.”3. ”It should improve or at least not

damage the relationship between the parties.”

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Meets the legitimate interests of each side to the extent possible

Resolves conflicting interests fairly Is durable, and Takes community interests into account.”

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”the best interests of the child”

Fails to meet the 3 basic criteria

1. Positional bargaining does not create a wise agreement.

◦ Tends to lock people into positions◦ Can cause breakdowns in communication◦ Means less attention paid to the important

underlying concerns of the parties

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2. Is not efficient.

◦ Creates incentives to stall settlement or progress

◦ Reduces the ability to make concessions◦ Involves many small decisions to revise

position◦ Increases time and costs◦ Creates a risk of a final non-agreement

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3. may not improve relations between the parties, and may harm them.

◦ Can become a ”contest of wills”◦ Strains relations, causes bitterness◦ When there are multiple parties, it multiplies

the problem of coming to solutions.

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being nice is not a solution . . .

but also

”soft” and ”hard” negotiation styles are not a solution.

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”Principled negotiaton” – ”negotiation on the merits”:1. Separate the PEOPLE from the problem.

2. Focus on INTERESTS, not positions.

3. Generate OPTIONS before deciding what to do.

4. Insist that the results be based on OBJECTIVE criteria or standards.

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Face the problem, not the person. Build a working relationship with the

people. Consider both sides as partners on a

mission: ◦ a fair agreement that is good for all.

Listen actively. Acknowledge (or repeat) what was said. Give the other side’s case your attention.

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Basic human needs are easy to overlook; don’t overlook them.

You have more shared interests than not, so share them.

Make your interests come alive: be specific, using concrete details.

Do not imply their interests are less important: begin by appreciating their interests.

Look forward, not back.

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. Separate inventing options from judging them.

Broaden the options on the table; don’t look for one single answer; look for more.

Search for mutual gains: explore this. Create ways of making their decisions

easy. Brainstorm! Be creative! Be fair!

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It is better to negotiate on some basis that is ”independent of the will of either side.” That basis is ”objective criteria:”◦ The ”best interests of the child”◦ Standards of fairness◦ Standards of efficiency & economy◦ Following the law and regulatory guidance◦ Following a fair procedure◦ Making the result a positive experience for all.

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Prioritizing your child’s interests Monitoring your child’s ability for self-

determination and direction Pride in the new plan you are creating Work to ease administering your agreed changes Dedication to making it work Openness to revising plans as needed & over

time

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”Agreed solutions save money - money that can be better spent on children and reinforcing important family values.”