Coke Zero Official Document 2013: It’s Not Your Fault You Can’t Stop Watching March Madness
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NCAA, Final Four and March Madness are trademarks of the National Collegiate Athletic Association
IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT YOU CAN’T STOP WATCHING NCAA ® MARCH MADNESS ®An exploration into all the reasons man is unable to do anything but watch basketball during the NCAA ® Tournament. It has pictures!
I. MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT
II. BASkETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT
III. MARCH MADNESS IS THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASkETBALL
IV. CONCLUSION (EPIC)
V. COkE ZERO LOGO
EXECUTIVE SUMMARY
page 3
FOR AS LONG AS MAN HAS ROAMED THE EARTH,
HE HAS NEEDED SPORT
SECTION IMan Riding Mammoth For Sport
page 4SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT
SPRINTING DODGINGPERIPHERAL
VISION
SABER-TOOTHEDTIGERS
CARELESSMAMMOTHS
ACTIVEVOLCANOES
DANGER
SKILL
JUMPING
WILDBOULDERS
EARLY MAN’S ENVIRONMENT MADE ATHLETIC SkILL ESSENTIAL
source: Some museum
page 5SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT
SPORTSPROWESS
HAS NICEWHEEL
HIGH-PAYINGJOB
ATT
RA
CTI
VE
NE
SS
BEAR-CLAWNECKLACE
GOODWITH KIDS
SPACIOUSCAVE
LITERACY
SPORT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE BEST WAY FOR MAN TO SHOW HIS GENETICALLY DESIRABLE TRAITS
source: Cave magazine
page 6SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT
THROUGHOUT HISTORY, PLAYING SPORTS HAS BROUGHT MAN TOGETHER
TIMEBALL2043, MOON
FOOTBALL1900, GRIDIRON
HOCKEY1900, CANADA?
BASKETBALL1891, FARM
DUELING1830, WILD WEST
BASEBALL1845, FIELD
WRESTLING2400 BC, MUD PIT
JOUSTING950, CASTLE
TIGER TAG42,000 BC, JUNGLE
LACROSSE1100, NATIVE AMERICA
SAILBOATING1492, OCEAN
FOOTBALL1400, ENGLAND
THE BEGINNING OF TIME
source: Wikipedia
page 7SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT
TIMEBALL2043, MOON
FOOTBALL1900, GRIDIRON
HOCKEY1900, CANADA?
BASEBALL1845, FIELD
WRESTLING2400 BC, MUD PIT
TIGER TAG42,000 BC, JUNGLE
LACROSSE1100, NATIVE AMERICATHE BEGINNING
OF TIME
BASKETBALL1891, FARM
DUELING1830, WILD WEST
JOUSTING950, CASTLE
SAILBOATING1492, OCEAN
FOOTBALL1400, ENGLAND
THE BEGINNING OF TIME
THROUGHOUT HISTORY, WATCHING SPORTS HAS ALSO BROUGHT MAN TOGETHER
source: Wikipedia
page 8SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT
1%RATIONAL THOUGHT
3%THEY HAVE NO IDEA
3%TO IMPRESS GIRLS
3.5%ICE CREAM
89.5%OTHER GUYS ARE DOING IT
WHY GUYSDO THINGS
fig. 5
source: About a hundred other similar graphs
WATCHING SPORT TOGETHER SATISFIES MAN’S INHERENT HERD MENTALITY
page 9SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT
SPORT IS BETTER THAN: BUYING PAPER TOWELS. SITTING AT A TABLE DOING NOTHING. UNSALTED SNACKS. STAMPS. EYEBALL-ING MEASUREMENTS. GETTING A HAIRCUT. DRIVING A CARPOOL. RIDING IN A CARPOOL. TALKING TO BORING NEIGHBORS. USING A COASTER. USING A TOASTER. CHANGING VOICEMAIL. POURING OUT CAT FOOD. TRYING TO REMEMBER SOMEONE’S NAME. THINKING ABOUT BUFFALOS. DOING YOUR TAXES. WRITING OUT LONG LISTS OF THINGS. READING WORDS. ORDERING MAYO ON THE SIDE. WAITING IN A DENTIST’S WAITING ROOM. BOOKS ABOUT MOVIES. CHEESE STICKS. CLICKING A PEN FOR A LONG TIME. UNBENDING A PAPERCLIP. AN OLD HAT. EGG WHITES. SPILLING PASTA SAUCE. CLEANING UP YOUR PASTA SAUCE SPILL. TAKING OUT THE TRASH. MAKING THE LONG WALK FROM THE STREET TO THE HOUSE. PLAYING SILLY, POINTLESS GAMES. ONE-WAY FLIRTING. ANTI-SMELL SPRAY. REMEMBERING OLD CARTOONS. NEVER TRYING A COCONUT. JUICE THAT TASTES LIKE VEGETABLES. DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR THAT DAY. PUTTING AWAY WHAT YOU DECIDED NOT TO WEAR THAT DAY. LAUNDRY. UGH, I HATE LAUNDRY. CALLING JIM BACK AGAIN. READING ABOUT MATH. MATH ABOUT READING. EATING HALF A SANDWICH. TRYING TO DO TRICKS WHILE YOU’RE WALKING. DRAWING ON A NAPKIN. SOLVING PUZZLES. CONVERSATIONS ABOUT OLD THINGS. TRIMMING VARIOUS HAIRS AND SUCH. SHELLING NUTS. DRINKING SELTZER. CONSIDERING CHANGING SEATS BUT NOT. WISHING YOU WERE DOING SOMETHING ELSE. WALKING AROUND AIMLESSLY. CHANGING THE RADIO STATION. CHANGING THE RADIO STATION AGAIN . STARING AT SUSAN FROM ACROSS YOUR OFFICE. LEANING ON BRICK WALLS LOOKING DGF COOL. NETWORKING. REMEMBERING THOSE DIRECTIONS. CHOOS-ING SUSHI NAMING YOUR HOUSE AFTER A FAMOUS STADIUM. RENTING TUXEDOS. PAYING FOR THINGS. CUTTING A GRAPE-FRUIT. FIGURING OUT THE CORRECT TITLES FOR PEOPLE. MAKING SURE YOU HAVE A PROTEIN SHAKE EVERY DAY. EATING BED CEREAL. UPDATING PROFILES. LISTING FAMOUS DOGS. PICKLE SLICES. WORKING ON VARIOUS GYMNASTICS MOVES. ASKING COWORKERS WHERE TO FIND A GOOD TACO. YOUR FRIEND CHESTER. BREAKING A FLIP-FLOP. WIPING OFF YOUR KEYBOARD. CONTINUING TO WORK ON REALLY LONG LISTS. TAKING NAPS. GOING TO A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED TRACTOR PULL. ORDERING FOOD. CONSUMING MEDIA. MAKING GIFS. ADJUSTING THE TEMPERATURE OF THE SHOWER. ACCIDENTALLY REPLYING ALL. DECORATING FOR VARIOUS HOLIDAYS. SHOPPING FOR TRENDY YET POORLY BUILT SWEDISH FURNITURE ON A RAINY SATUR-DAY. GIVING PEOPLE THE THUMBS-UP. ANYTHING OF OR RELATING TO BIOCHEMISTRY. LOOKING AT BORING STACKS OF NUMBER BRICKS ON YOUR COMPUTER. FIGURING OUT VARIOUS TV REMOTES. EXPLAINING THINGS TO YOUR MOTHER. LISTEN-ING TO YOUR MOTHER EXPLAIN THINGS TO YOU. FARTING. JUST KIDDING, FARTING IS FUN. SITTING INDIAN-STYLE. SMELLING DELICIOUS FOOD THAT IS NOT YOURS. MATCHING SOCKS. COUNTING FRECKLES. WAITING FOR A TRAIN TO PASS. MAN, THAT’S A LONG TRAIN. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’M GONNA GO A DIFFERENT WAY. STICKER BOOKS. FILLING OUT VARIOUS DOCUMENTS. WRITING THANK-YOU NOTES. SEEING HOW LONG YOU CAN HOLD YOUR BREATH. SINGING THE WRONG LYRICS. SPILLING KETCHUP ON YOURSELF. LOSING YOUR CELL PHONE. PIGS. SPROUTS. FILING FILES IN FILING CABINETS. READING ENTIRE LISTS.
SPORT COMPENSATES FOR MAN’S RELATIVELY UNEXCITING LIFE
page 10SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT
SPORT HERO
ASTRONAUT
PRESIDENT
INTERNATIONALMAN OF MYSTERY
SINGLE BRIANFROM NEXT DOOR
STRENGTH
WISDOM
RESPECT
QUALITIES OF MENTHAT OTHER MEN
WANT TO BE
SPORT IS THE BEST WAY TO LIVE VICARIOUSLY
source: 2012 Census
page 11SECTION I: MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT
MAN WATCHING SPORTMAN NOT WATCHING SPORT
ANGRY ANGRY
IN LOVE IN LOVE
HYSTERICAL HYSTERICAL
CONFIDENT CONFIDENT
BORED BORED
FRUSTRATED FRUSTRATED
DEPRESSED DEPRESSED
DETERMINED DETERMINED
CONFUSED CONFUSED
HAPPY HAPPY
SHOCkED SHOCkED
???? ????
source: Extensive Emotional Testing
SPORT PROVIDES MAN WITH AN EMOTIONAL OUTLET
page 12
BASkETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT
SECTION IIThe Geometric Beauty of Basketball
page 13SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT
BASKETS BALLS
BASkETBALL IS COMPOSED OF PERFECT ELEMENTS
source: Baskets: The Documentary
page 14SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT
THE BASkET HAS LONG BEEN A CORNERSTONE OF HUMAN CIVILIZATION
CARBON ALLOY EGG BASKETS1967, CANADA
BICYCLE BASKETS1853, USA
FANCY BASKETPRESENTED TO PILGRIMS
1621, NEW ENGLAND
INTERWOVEN BASKETS4000 BC, ALSO MESOPOTAMIA
HANDLED BASKETS500 BC, DENMARK
MOSES’ BABY BASKET1500 BC, ANCIENT EGYPT
WOVEN BASKETS8000 BC, MESOPOTAMIA FIRST PICNIC BASKETS
1720, ROMANIA
WWI PIGEON BASKETS1871, FRANCE
NANOBASKETS2012, USA
BASKETS.COM1999, USA
THE GOLDEN AGE OF BASKETS
source: Baskets: The Documentary
page 15SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT
BALLS HAVE CAPTIVATED AND INFLUENCED MANkIND EVER SINCE THE
AZTECS FIRST WORSHIPPED THE SUN
source: Baskets: The Documentary
• BasketBalls • sun • earth • Moon • eyeBalls • DeFensIVe arMaDIllos • Donut holes • snowBalls • oranges • atoMs • Bullet poInts
ROUND OBJECTS OF HISTORICAL NOTE
page 16SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT
FILLING AN EMPTY BASkET IS PSYCHOLOGICALLY FULFILLING
source: Baskets: The Documentary
HAPPINESS
FULFILLMENT
A SENSE OF PLACEIN THIS WORLDAMIDST ALLTHE CHAOS
HAPPINESS
FULFILLMENT
A SENSE OF PLACEIN THIS WORLD
AMIDST ALLTHE CHAOS
EMPTY BASKET FULL BASKET
page 17SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT
THE COMBINATION OF BASkETS AND BALLSRESULTED IN A NEW FORM OF PERFECTION
source: Declassified NSA documents
BASKETBALLBASKETS BALLS
page 18SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT
source: 1965 Basketball Handbook
Gives short man purposein tall man’s game
THREE-POINT LINE
Perfect distance for man to attempt low-percentage shot when alone in gym
HALF-COURT LINE
Remind man of his childhood love of blocks
LOW BLOCKS
Man has always preferredwatching paint to painting paint
THE PAINT
Man has alwaysloved free things
FREE-THROW LINE
EVERY PART OF THE COURT SATISFIES AN ELEMENT OF MAN’S COMPLEX PSYCHE
page 19SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT
THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF THE GAME APPEAL TO MAN’S BASIC NEEDS
source: 1967 Basketball Handbook
COLLEGIATE SHOT CLOCK AVERAGE ATTENTION SPAN
AVERAGE COMMERCIAL BREAK
AVERAGE BATHROOM BREAK (#1)
35 seconds 34.86 seconds
120 seconds
page 20SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT
THROWING THINGS IS MORE FUN THAN NOT THROWING THINGS
NOT THROWINGTHROWING
BALLS ROCKS BEEHIVESPIES
FUN
BACHELOR PARTIES
source: Tibetan scrolls
page 21SECTION II: BASKETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT
THE GREATEST MOMENTS IN BASkETBALL ARE THE GREATEST MOMENTS IN SPORTS
source: Extensive emotional testing
AWESOMELAME
HIGH SKILL
LOW SKILL
SLAM DUNK BUZZER BEATER(BASKETBALL)
SLAM DUNK(BASKETBALL)
BUZZER BEATER(BASKETBALL)
GRAND SLAM(BASEBALL)
EPIC SLOG(CRICKET)
PASSATA SOTTO(FENCING)
BALK(BASEBALL)
EQUESTRIAN(EQUESTRIAN)
DIFFICULT PUTT(GOLF)
DIVING HEADER(SOCCER)
TRIPLE SIX(DARTS)
BEACH VOLLEYBALL DIG(VOLLEYBALL)
PERFECT GAME(BASEBALL)
BOWLING A 300(BOWLING)
HAIL MAR
R
Y PASS(FOOTBALL)
page 22
NCAA® MARCH MADNESS® IS THE ULTIMATE FORM
OF BASkETBALL
SECTION IIIMan Carrying the Burden of March Madness
page 23SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL
source: Dictionary
mad•ness´mæd nis (n.)1. COLLEGE BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT2. INTENSE EXCITEMENT OR HILARITY3. A SITUATION THAT SEEMS TO MAKE NO SENSE
page 24SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL
WHEN THERE ARE 67 GAMES IN 21 DAYS, THERE IS NO TIME FOR ANYTHING
BESIDES BASkETBALL
4%WORK
WATCHING BASKETBALL
6%FRISBEE
7%TALKING ABOUT WATCHING BASKETBALL
8%DREAMING ABOUT WATCHING BASKETBALL
9%WATCHING BASKETBALL HIGHLIGHTS
66%
MARCH 18 THROUGH APRIL 8
source: Survey of Brian in accounting
page 25SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL
EVERY GAME OF THE TOURNAMENT FEEDS MAN’S ATTRACTION TO SINGLE ELIMINATION
source: Single Elimination, The Musical
TOURNAMENTS DUELING GLADIATORS PIÑATAS
POPULAR FORMS OFSINGLE ELIMINATION
page 26SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL
EVERYBODY IS DOING IT
source: The Internet
HOURS STREAMING GAME VIDEO
CHILDREN NAMEDAFTER SPORTSANCHORS10,300,000
BRACKETS FILLED OUT
40,000,000
PEOPLE WATCHING THE FINAL
20,000,000 18
page 27SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL
NCAA® MARCH MADNESS® GENERATESLARGE AMOUNTS OF PEER PRESSURE
source: 30-million sample survey
PEER PRESSURE
JAN
FEB
MA
R
APR
MAY
JUN
JUL
AU
G
SEP
OC
T
NO
V
DEC
WATCH NCAA TOURNAMENT
PAY TAXES
BUY FIREWORKS
SHOP AT MALLS
page 28SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL
source: Water Cooler Weekly
STE
AK
THE TOURNAMENT PREPARES MAN FOR MOST MARCH/APRIL
WATER-COOLER TOPICS
page 29SECTION III: THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASKETBALL
source: Uncle Terry
ROVER LANDINGON MARS
CULTURAL SIGNIFICANCE
NCAAMARCHMADNESS
JIM GETTINGA NEW GRILL
PRESIDENTIALINAUGURATION
INTERNATIONALKAYAKINGSUMMIT
MARCH MADNESS ELEVATES BASkETBALL TO EXTREME CULTURAL IMPORTANCE.
page 30
CONCLUSION
SECTION IV
page 31SECTION IV: CONCLUSION
MARCH MADNESS IS THE ULTIMATE FORM OF BASkETBALL
IF
AND
AND
BASkETBALL IS THE PERFECT SPORT
MAN HAS ALWAYS NEEDED SPORT
THEN
page 32SECTION IV: CONCLUSION
MAN IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY POWERLESS AGAINST
MARCH MADNESS
AVERAGE ATTENTION SPAN POWERLESS100%
MAN
page 33
• WARM UP THAT LASER POINTER • ROUND UP THOSE BOSSES • AND ENJOY EVERYTHING BASkETBALL
SO:
page 34
enjoy everything
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