Transcript
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ASSERTIVENESS
BY ;
Dr. Shereen Dorgham
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ASSERTIVENESS
Assertiveness is theability to
communicate yourneeds, feelings,opinions, andbeliefs in an open
and honest mannerwithout violatingthe rights of others
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ASSERTIVENESS
1. IS NOT THE SAME AS AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR.
2. AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR ENHANCES SELF AT THE
EXPENSE OF OTHERS.
3. ASSERTIVENESS PRODUCES POSITIVE OUTCOMES
FOR ALL; AGGRESSIVE ACTS RESULT IN NEGATIVE
OUTCOMES.
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WHAT WILL IT DO
1. HELPS YOU BECOME SELF-
CONFIDENT
2. INCREASES SELF-ESTEEM
3. GAIN RESPECT OF OTHERS
4. IMPROVE
COMMUNICATION SKILLS
5. IMPROVE DECISION-
MAKING ABILITY
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HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE
1. BE HONEST AND DIRECT ABOUT YOUR
FEELINGS, NEEDS, BELIEFS.
2. EXPRESS YOURSELF FIRMLY AND DIRECTLY
TO SPECIFIC INDIVIDUALS.
3. BE REASONABLE IN YOUR REQUESTS
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HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE
4. STATE YOUR VIEWPOINT WITHOUT BEING
HESITANT OR APOLOGETIC.
5. BE HONEST WHEN GIVING OR RECEIVING
FEEDBACK.
6. LEARN TO SAY NO TO UNREASONABLE
EXPECTATIONS.
7. PARAPHRASE WHAT OTHERS HAVE STATED TO
YOU.
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HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE
8. REGOGNIZE AND RESPECT THE RIGHTS OF THOSE
AROUND YOU.
9. USE APPROPRIATE TONE OF VOICE.
10. BE AWARE OF BODY POSTURE/LANGUAGE
11. MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT.
12. USE I STATEMENTS TO EXPRESS SELF
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HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE
13. DONT LET OTHERS
IMPOSE THEIR
VALUES/IDEAS ON YOU
14. ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO
BE CLEAR AND DIRECT
15. TAKE OWNERSHIP
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AND MY RIGHTS ARE
1. The right to respect myself because of who Iam.
2. How to lead my lifepursuing goals,
dreams, etc.3. Have my own values, beliefs, etc.
4. To tell others how I wish to be treated.
5. To change my mind and make mistakeswithout being ridiculed.
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AND MY RIGHTS ARE
6. TO HAVE POSITIVE, HEALTHY, SATISFYING
RELATIONSHIPS IN WHICH I AM SAFE AND
RESPECTED.
7. TO CHANGE AND DEVELOP MY LIFE HOW I
DETERMINE.
8. TO BE HAPPY AND AT PEACE.
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ASSERTIVENESS
1. DOESNT JUSTHAPPEN.
2. DOES NOT
GUARANTEE YOU
HAPPINESS OR FAIR
TREATMENT.
3. WILL NOT SOLVE ALL
YOUR PROBLEMS4. DOES NOT
GUARANTEEE YOU
WILL GET WHAT YOU
WANT.
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TYPES OF ASSERTIVENESS
Non-assertive behaviour
I am not ok,you are ok
Assertive behaviour
I am ok,you are ok
Aggresive behaviour
I am ok,you are not ok
Manipulative behaviour
I am not ok,you are not ok
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Negative attitude and passive behaviour
Lack of self confidence and low self esteem
Lack of self respect
Self putdowns
Negative feelings and thoughts about yourself Feeliings of inferiority compared to others
Like others to be in control of people and
situations Feel guilty towards others
demotivated
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Negative attitude and manipulative
behaviour
Lack of self confidence and low self esteem
Lack of self respect and lack of respect forothers
Mistrustful and suspicious of others motives
Negative feelings and thoughts about selfand others
Feel very wary towards others
Dishonest and indirect Twist what others have said
Undermine others self esteem
Depressed and demotivated
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Negative attitude and aggressive
behaviour
Lack of self confidence and low self esteem Lack of respect towards others
Put others down
Feelings of superiority
Like to be in control of people andsituations
Disinterested in others thoughts andfeelings
Feel angry towards others and are quick toblame them
Dont listen to or ask questions Dismissive of feedback
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Positive attitude and assertive behaviour
Self confidence and high self esteem
Respect for self and towards others
Take responsibility for self
Motivated to do a good job nterested in others feelings and thoughts
Ask questions
Honest and direct
Listen to others
Ask others for feedback
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Basics of Effective Communication,
cont.
Get the facts before you pass judgment. Some styles lendthemselves better to this than others.
Learning all communication styles is important in order to
avoid communicating in less effective ways andin order to
recognize those styles in others so as to be able to deal
with them.
People are not difficult. They only seem difficult to the
extent that we do not have the skills to deal with what
they bring to the table. It is our lack of knowledge that
makes the situation difficult.
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Which is the Best Style?
All styles have their proper place and use.
Assertive communication is the healthiest.
Boundaries of all parties are respected.
Easier to problem-solve; fewer emotional
outbursts.
It requires skills and a philosophy change, as
well as lots of practice and hard work.
When both parties do it, no one is hurt in anyway and all parties win on some level.
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Passive Communication
Allowing our own rights to be violated by
failing to express our honest feelings. The goal of being a passive communicator
is to avoid conflict no matter what.
Little risk involved very safe.
Little eye contact, often defers to othersopinions, usually quiet tone, may suddenly
explode after being passive too long.
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Examples of Passive Communication
I dont know.
Whatever you think. You have more experience than I. You
decide.
Ill go with whatever the group decides. I dont care. It doesnt matter to me.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. . . NO!
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Aggressive Communication
Protecting ones own rights at the expense of othersrights no exceptions.
The goal of the aggressor is to win at all costs; to beright.
Does not consider actions a risk because this personthinks they will always get their way. It is risky in terms
of relationships, however. Eye contact is angry and intimidating; lots of energy;
loud and belittling; never defers to others, or at leastdoes not admit to; manipulative and controlling. Oftenuses violence or verbal abuse.
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Examples of Aggressive Communication
I dont know why you cant see that this is
the right way to do it. Its going to be my way or not at all.
Youre just stupid if you think that will
work. That kind of logic will sink the company.
Who cares what youfeel. Were talking
about making things work here.
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Passive-Aggressive Communication
Forfeiting your own rights initially, followed by
manipulation and vengeance later. The goal of this style is to avoid conflict and then
make the other party wish they had seen it yourway.
Avoids risk initially, risks relationships later, thenacts surprised when people are mad.
Behaves passively to peoples face, thenaggressively when they are not around. Oftenuses sarcasm.
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Examples of Passive-Aggressive
Communication
Sure, doctor. Id be happy to write thatverbal order, but back on the unit the order isforgotten.
I love your hair. Most people probably canteven tell its a wig.
I hear what youre saying, and I wouldnt
want to make waves, so Ill do what you sayeven though someone will probably get sued.
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Assertive Communication
Protecting your own rights without violating therights of others.
The goal of the assertive person is tocommunicate with respect and to understandeach other; to find a solution to the problem.
Takes a risk with others in the short run, but in
the long run relationships are much stronger. Eye contact maintained; listens and validates
others; confident and strong, yet also flexible;objective and unemotional; presents wishesclearly and respectfully.
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Examples of Assertive Communication
So what youre saying is. . . .
I can see that this is important to you, andit is also important to me. Perhaps we can
talk more respectfully and try to solve the
problem.
I think. . . I feel. . . I believe that. . . .
I would appreciate it if you. . .
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Assertiveness Skills
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I - Persistence
1. Stay focused on the issue do not get distracted,defensive, or start justifying yourself.
2. Repeat the bottom line to keep the conversation
on track and your issues on the table (e.g., Iunderstand that, however we are talking about. .
.).
3. Alternative styles would withdraw or would
escalate this to a battle of wills that would override
compromise.
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II - Objectivity
1. Focus on the problem, not on the emotions
that often accompany and cloud problems.
Postpone discussion if emotions cannot be
contained.
2. Use the validation skill (next) to handle
others emotions so you can focus on
objective issues.
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III - Validation Allow people to have their experience, but try to
move beyond it to a discussion about theproblem.
You do not necessarily have to disagree or agreepeoples perspectives are important, but they arenotthe heart of the issue, so dont make a battle
over them. Validate them and get to the issue. If thats how you see it, thats fine. I can see that this upsets you, and from your
perspective, I can see why. Now, what can we do
to make this better for both of us?
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IV - Owning
Being assertive means you also must own what isyours to own. If the other person has a point
about your behavior, own it (this is the . ..without violating the rights of others part).Bulldozing over that is aggressive.
Accept someones criticism as feedback ratherthan an attack. (e.g., You could be right about that. . .,
That is entirely possible, knowing me. . .) Where isthe value in fighting anothers negative opinionabout us? Perspective is hard to change whendirectly challenged. This shows that IF theirperspective were true, youd own it.
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V Challenging False Information
When attacked with false and negative statements,do not fall prey to defensiveness. That onlyescalates emotions.
Look for the grain of truth and validate it. Thisknocks barrier walls down and opens the door fordiscussion about the real problem.
At times people are rigid and a more forceful stance
is needed. E.g., Im sorry, I simply do not see it thatway, but you are more than entitled to youropinion.
Disagree, using factual information. E.g., Actually, Iwas at work, so that could not have been me.
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VI Pumping the
Negatives
When criticized, ask for more negative feedback doso assertively, as though you are trying to learn more
about how to be better in that area (and in fact, that
should be your goal). E.g., Tell me more about whatis bothering you about my report.
Stay task oriented!!! If you slip into emotions and
get offended, you lose. Pump practical negatives
(not baseless criticisms) and how your actions can beimproved to help solve the problems.
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VII Humor
Humor breaks down negative emotions.
Humor can put tense situations at ease.
When grain of truth is found, joke about it
while owning it.
Be careful to use humor appropriately and
professionally.
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When Aggression is Appropriate
In an emergency
When there is not time to spend on a
compromise.
When your opinion is based on several
facts, you therefore KNOW you are right,
and there is not time to utilizeassertiveness skills.
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When Passivity is Appropriate
When the results of pushing the issuewould cause problems that outweigh thebenefits.
When issues are minor.
When there is a power differential that is
not in your favor and the other party isgetting agitated by your assertiveness.
When the other individuals position is
impossible to change. (E.g., the law).
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What is Okay in Assertive Behavior
It is okay to say I dont know.
It is okay to say No, or I cannot do that. It is okay to make mistakes as long as
responsibility is taken for them.
It is okay to disagree and to verbalize that.
It is okay to challenge others opinions or actions.
It is okay to not accept anothers opinion asfactual or accurate (e.g., getting criticized).
It is okay to ask for a change in behavior.
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SAYING YES OR NO
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Why is it difficult to say no?
If I say no,they may feel hurt or injected If I say no this time, they may not like me
anymore
If I say no this time,they may never askagain
They wont take any notice if I say no
They would say yes to me (and so I willfeel guilty if I refuse them)
I cant say no, because I feel sorry forthem
ow o say no asser ve y
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ow o say no asser ve y
Start your reply with a clear,firm,audible no
Do not justify or make excuses.Giving a reason is
different from over-appologizing
Feel that you have a right to say no
Once you have said no , do not stay around
waiting to be persuaded to change your mind.Make
a definite closure by changing the subject,walking
away, continiuing with what you are doing-
whatever is appropriate
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How to say no assertively?
Remember you are saying no to that particularrequest,not rejecting the person
If the request takes you unawares or you have not sufficent
time to think when asked,you can always say, I will let youknow in order to give yourself time to think about whatyou want to say
Take responsibility for saying no-do not blame the other
person for asking you
Ask for more information if you need it in order to decide
whether you want to say yes or no
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Why is it difficult to say yes?
I dont deserve it
They might not really mean it
I am not really sure that is what I want
I dont have enough information
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How to say yes assertively
Say yes clearly and definitely
Identify why you would find it difficult
Examine thoughts realistically and ask yourself
Having calarified thughts for yourself then reaffirmyour desire to say yes
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Combining yes and no
yes and no may be combinedassertively to define what we wantor what our limits are in a particularsituation.
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In What Situations Do You Find It Difficult to
Assert Yourself?
Exercise:
In groups of 3 or 4, identify one situation each in which
you find it difficult to assert yourself?
What gets in your way?
How do you feel?
How does the other person react?
Choose, and be prepared to share an example from
your group
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