© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.1 Children in the Middle Protecting Your Children During and After Divorce.

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 1

Children in the Middle

Protecting Your Children

During and After

Divorce

2© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

Divorce Trends This Century

0%

10%

20%

30%

40%

50%

1900 1920 1940 1960 1980 2000

3© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

Rate of Re-Marriage

0%

20%

40%

60%

80%

100%

After 1st

Divorce

After 2nd

Divorce

Re-MarriageRate

Divorce Rate

4© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

Children’s Living Arrangements

0

50

100

1960 1970 1980 1990 2000

Step/Single

Intact

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 5

All Children Born This Year, by Age 18

Always inIntact Home,30%

Some Time inSingle ParentHome, 70%

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 6

Black, Inner-City Children,by Age 18

Some Time inSingle ParentHome, 90%

Always inIntact Home,10%

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 7

Effects of Divorceon Children

• IMMEDIATE EFFECTS

a. Anger against one or both parents

b. Pervasive sadness, deep loss

c. Disruptions in concentration, academic functioning

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 8

Effects of Divorceon Children, cont’d

d. Anxiety re care, residence

e. Children in high conflict families may experience

relief

• THESE IMMEDIATE EFFECTS TEND TO LESSEN OVER THE FIRST YEAR

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 9

Effects of Divorceon Children, cont’d

• LONG TERM EFFECTS– Rule of Thirds (Wallerstein and

Kelly) for 5-10 years:• 1/3 doing pretty well

• 1/3 having some problems

• 1/3 having serious problems

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 10

Types of problems

a. Behavior and conduct

Boys: “Externalizing”

Girls: “Internalizing"

b. Social relationships

c. Authority relationships

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 11

Types of problems, cont’d

d. Poorer psychological adjustment

e. Relationship with parents

f. Poorer school performance

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 12

Some Problems Carry Into Adulthood

• Lower psychological well-being

• Lower social class achieved

• Poorer relationships with parents

• More problems in own marriage

• Higher divorce rates (60%)

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 13

Age Effects: Pre-School

• Fear, confusion

• Worry, strange fantasies

• Guilt over causing breakup

• Regressions

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 14

Age Effects:Early Elementary

• Grief; yearning for lost parent

• Anger exaggeration to residential parent, suppression to nonresidential parent

• Reunion fantasies

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 15

Age Effects:Early Elementary, cont’d

• Assuming responsibility for parents’ problems (often called “parentification”)

• Loyalty tug-of-war between Mom and Dad

• School problems

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 16

Age Effects:Middle School

• Hide or deny feelings

• Try to un-do the divorce

• Anger over parental double standards

• Psychosomatic & self-esteem problems

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 17

Age Effects: Adolescents

• Masking of problems

• Loss of role model re relationships (both sexes)

• Assume too many adult responsibilities

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 18

Age Effects: Adolescents, cont’d

• Acting out, substance abuse, early sex

• Moral development

• Relationship problems: Too deep, too shallow

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 19

Is It Always Awful?1. Children of divorce have more

problems, but the overall differences are small

2. Majority of their behaviors are within normal range

3. BUT, some have real problems that YOU can prevent!

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 20

Things that make it WORSE

• Parental Conflict

• Putting Children in the Middle

• One Parent’s Absence from Child’s Life

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 21

Things that make it WORSE

• “Parental Alienation Syndrome”

• One or Both Parents Move, With or Without Kids

• Demands of Single Parenting

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 22

Parental Conflict• Conflict is worse than divorce

• Conflict before divorce is unhealthy, but already done

• Conflict after divorce is bad, but you can stop it!

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 23

Parental Conflict• Conflict between parents is

made worse by the adversarial system (fighting in court)

• Conflict makes it more likely you will keep going back to court

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 24

Children in the Middle• Carrying messages

• “Putdowns” of the other parent

• Involvement in money problems• Using child as a spy

THIS IS THE TOPIC OF THE VIDEO WE WILL SEE IN THIS CLASS!

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 25

Parental Absence• Father Absence Leads to:

– Emotional problems

– Behavior problems, acting out (especially in boys)

– Academic problems

– Dating, relationship problems (especially in girls)

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 26

Parental Absence, cont’d

• Mother Absence– Loss of development of empathy

– Dating, relationship problems (especially in boys)

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 27

Parental Alienation• Gardner: Up to 90% of divorced

parents do this to some degree

• Brainwashing of child about the other parent

• “Staged events” in front of child(e.g., provoking a fight, lying about what the other said)

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 28

Parental Alienation, cont’d

• False allegations, call for protection

• Guilt trips, sarcasm

• Child, afraid to resist, must side with the provocateur and is alienated from the other

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 29

Moving Away• Child loses one parent

• Loses friends

• Loses home neighborhood

• Loses preschool or school

• Loses sports teams, activities

• Loses relatives in home area

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 30

Stresses of Single Parenting

• Economic decline in most homes for both parents, usually worse for moms

• Increased time pressures

• Household disorganization

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 31

Stresses of Single Parenting, cont’d

• Child has fewer gender-specific due to absent parent

• Problems due to new partners

• Decline in quality of parenting

• Stress, depression, abuse (by single parent and new partner)

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 32

WHAT MAKES IT BETTER?

• Reduce the Conflict!

• Give the Child Lots of Contact with Two Loving Parents

• Don’t Move Away

• Use “Surrogate Parents,” Role Models, for Absent Other Parent

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 33

WHAT MAKES IT BETTER? cont’d

• Improved Quality of Your Parenting–Read, Take a Class

• Teach Coping Skills to Children

• Stay Out of Court–Use a Mediator

• Therapy? Go as a Family

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D. 34

Further InformationThe Center for Divorce Education

P.O. Box 5900

Athens, OH 45701

740-594-7173

www.divorce-education.com