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Page 1: Why Worry? - Excerpt

why worry?

K A T H R Y N T R I S T A N

S TO P C O P I N G A N D S TA R T L I V I N G

“Why Worry? is just what the doctor ordered for all those who suffer from the devastating effects of constant fear and anxiety. Written by a compassionate scientist who has overcome

the problem herself, Why Worry? offers instantly accessible solutions that really work!”

—CHRISTIANE NORTHRUP, MD, author of Mother-Daughter Wisdom, The Wisdom of Menopause, and Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom

Previously publ ished as Anxiety Rescue , now revised and expanded.

A D VA N C E D U N CO R R E C T E D P R O O F S — N OT F O R S A L E

wh

y worry?

KATHRYN

TRISTAN

12/12

Copyright © 2012 by Kathryn TristanUncorrected Proof. Not for Sale.Please do not quote for publication without checking the finished book.Nonmerch9781451691047

Atria Books / Beyond WordsOn sale December 4, 2012 ∙ 978-1-58270-387-9 ∙ $14.00 U.S./$16.00 Can.

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The statistics don’t lie. According to recent reports, nearly 20 percent of Americans suffer from anxiety, 75 percent worry about the economy,

and 88 percent worry about retirement. Simply put, millions of people need a book that provides realistic strategies to overcome anxiety, stress, and worry. Kathryn Tristan’s revolutionary, solution-oriented guide, Why Worry?, uses a simple four-step program to eliminate worry. Her no-nonsense approach draws from a variety of disciplines to offer a comprehensive guide that includes cognitive behavior therapy techniques, relaxation exercises, diet and lifestyle changes, spiritual practices, and other resources. Readers learn how to:

• Make positive choices • Improve their outlook• Take risks and enjoy life• Explore and embrace their inner spirit

Readers will learn to stop coping and allowing anxiety to rule their lives, and start living the life they dreamed of!

KATHRYN TRISTAN has published articles in PARADE and Psychology Today as well as 120 articles in leading health publications, under her professional name, Liszweksi. She is a member of the Anxiety Disorders Association of America and the American Association of Immunologists, and is on the faculty at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis, Missouri.

Knock fear out of the driver’s seat and take control of your own life.

B O D Y , M I N D & S P I R I T

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whyworry?

S T O P C O P I N G A N D S TA R T L I V I N G

K AT H Y R N T R I S TA N

Hillsboro, OregonAT R I A P A P E R B A C KNew York London Toronto Sydney New Delhi

Previously published as Anxiety Rescue, now revised and expanded.

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A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. 20827 N.W. Cornell Road, Suite 5001230 Avenue of the Americas Hillsboro, Oregon 97124-9808New York, NY 10020 503-531-8700 / 503-531-8773 fax

www.beyondword.com

Copyright © 2012 by Kathryn Tristan

Originally published by Dancing Eagle Press under the title Anxiety Rescue, 2007

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoeverwithout the prior written permission of Atria Paperback/Beyond Words Publishing, Inc., except where permitted by law.

Some individuals described here are composites or have been created by the author as illustrativeexamples.!"is publication contains the opinions and ideas of its author. It is intended to provide helpful andinformative material on the subjects addressed in the publication. It is sold with the understanding that theauthor and publisher are not engaged in rendering medical, health, or any other kind of personal professionalservices in the book. "e reader should consult his or her medical, health or other competent professionalbefore adopting any of the suggestions in this book or drawing inferences from it. "e author and publisherspeci#cally disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as aconsequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book.

First Atria Paperback/Beyond Words trade paperback edition December 2012

AT R I A P A P E R B A C K and colophon are trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.Beyond Words Publishing is an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc. and the Beyond Words logo is a registeredtrademark of Beyond Words Publishing, Inc.

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10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data[to come]

ISBN 978-1-58270-387-9ISBN 978-1-4516-8791-0 (eBook)

"e corporate mission of Beyond Words Publishing, Inc.: Inspire to Integrity

Do not quote for publication until veri#ed with #nished book. This advance uncorrected reader’sproof is the property of Simon & Schuster. It is beingloaned for promotional purposes and review by the

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Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery.And today? Today is a gift.

That’s why we call it the present.—Babatunde Olatunji

Understanding Why We Worry

If you are spending more time worrying and less time enjoying life, this book can help you. Worry is a natural part of our biol-

ogy, designed to serve a useful purpose. We run amok when,instead of allowing it to provide guidance, we focus on dire calami-ties in the future rather than realistic solutions in the present.Unproductive worrying harms more than it helps.

The goal of this book is to provide you with (a) fresh, new waysof dealing with the stresses that may seed your worries, (b) keystrategies for transforming worry into a positive force, and (c) toolsto tap into your inner sources of wisdom.

There is a growing body of scienti"c evidence that helps explainhow the brain works and how we can retrain it to overcome unpro-ductive habits. We will explore some of those new, exciting concepts.

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But we are so much more than our brain and anatomy. The sublimeinterconnectedness of our mind, body, and spirit provides a power -ful way to tune into inner guidance—once we quiet the thunder ofour worry. When you overcome the worry habit, life emerges as awonderful experience, regardless of your troubles, problems, andchallenges. In this space you "nd greater joy, personal empowerment,and access to a more ful"lling and life.

Why We Worry

Life can challenge us in many ways. A natural response is to worry,because the true purpose of worry is to alert us to the need torespond to these challenges. Worry is a dual-edged sword: a posi-tive force that provides a helpful alert or a negative force that keepsus stuck. Here are some examples of both. Is your story like oneof these?

• Sarah has a presentation to make before her colleagues in aweek. She’s worried that it isn’t good enough. She decides to domore research on the topic and keep polishing it until she is sat-is"ed. Sarah is an example of how to productively worry.

• Chris’s son is deployed overseas and worries most days abouthis safety. Feeling unsettled was beginning to feel normal. Shedecided to volunteer at her local USO, welcoming home return-ing soldiers and assisting their families. Chris shows that whilewe cannot eliminate worry, we can learn to channel our con-cerns and focus on something that helps rather than hurts.

• Tim is unemployed and can’t "nd a job. He worries that he’llnever "nd work or be able to pay off his mounting debts. He’smiserable, and he sends that energy to everyone around him.

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Tim isn’t using worry to solve his problems; instead, he is creat-ing more problems because of his unproductive reactions.

• Maria is a stay-at-home mother of three. She feels trapped inan unhappy marriage but is afraid to leave. Maria provides anexample of how we can fail to seek solutions because we areworried we cannot handle our challenges.

• Doris likes to wonder what could go wrong with anything. Sheconstantly frets and warns her friends and family members towatch out for this and that, and seldom feels safe doinganything new. Doris is an example of how our personality (highstrung) and learning (“my parents were this way too”) can wireour brains into circuits of unproductive behavior.

• Pat cares for an aging mother and aunt, and one of her childrenhas just moved back home. Caught in the middle between thetwo generations, Pat never seems to have enough time forherself and constantly mulls over her situation. Pat shows uswhat can happen if we let our worries translate into feelings ofhelplessness and hopelessness. By giving away her power to herworries, they now run her life.

• Amy, an overworked elementary-school teacher, awakens in themiddle of the night for no apparent reason with a poundingheart and shortness of breath. Amy dreads going to bed and isbecoming depressed. The doctor found nothing physicallywrong with her and prescribed an antidepressant. Amy providesan example of how our stresses can mount from overworkand our inner worries quickly amplify without our consciousawareness.

• Elizabeth’s "ancé cheated on her, so she broke off their engage-ment. She’s says she is now over it, but she recently began to feelanxious when riding elevators and lightheaded while shopping,

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and now some of these disturbing sensations are coming out ofthe blue. She was given a clean bill of health but has begun tak-ing sedatives to relax. Elizabeth does not quite realize just howhurt and angry she remains. These powerful buried emotionsare severing her connection to her inner sense of safety andspurting out as anxiety.

What these examples show is that we worry in many differentways and with different levels of intensity. Many of us who sufferfrom over or unhealthy worry are unaware that we are worrying atall, as it has become a normal part of our days, but we may actuallyfeel on edge much of the time. Some cope by using drugs or alcohol,or by keeping super busy. Unfortunately, none of those strategiessolves problems. What this book teaches is that managing ourworry is an “inside job.” Many of us want to work from the outsidein, as in some of the coping mechanisms discussed above. But over-coming chronic worry requires us to change from the inside out.What we learn is that we can balance the messages of worry withour reactions to it. We "rst need to recognize how the rapid-"reresponse of worry can quickly get out of control.

Snaring those initial, overly worried thoughts can provide thekey to better managing how we worry and what we worry about. Itis not so much a matter of not having those thoughts, for they areautomatic. The key is to become aware of them and consciouslyrespond to them. Our strength to change lies in our ability tochoose how we perceive and react, which is empowered by our ownconscious intentions.

Here is one of my favorite verses that I’ve adapted:Watch your thoughts, for thoughts become words.

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Watch your words, for words become attitudes.Watch your attitudes, for attitudes become actions.Watch your actions, for actions become habits.Watch your habits, for habits become character.Watch your character, for character becomes your destiny.

Do you see the pattern? Thoughts Destiny. Which destiny doyou want: worry or authentic power?

How Worry Expands

Those of us battling our worry may "nd that the more we worry, themore we have to worry about. It keeps coming back or, like achameleon, changes its color. The automatically expanding natureof worry is something my sister Debbie calls “expandomatic worry.”This means that once we begin to worry, the path to a productiveoutcome can quickly dissolve into doom and gloom. In this way,we unknowingly defeat the purpose of worry or misread a thoughtof concern and amplify it into a catastrophe. Because so many ofour thoughts and reactions are automatic, we may not be awareof how our runaway thoughts even began. The time to evaluate ourresponse to worry is at the very beginning, before the thoughtmushrooms out of control. Here is an example:

Joan developed a headache in the late afternoon. She focusedon that feeling of discomfort and had an immediate thought:What if it’s a brain tumor? Then Joan focused on that andthought, I’ll have to have an MRI. I hate those! I bet I’ll feelclaustrophobic. Then Joan wondered, If it is a brain tumor,will I need chemotherapy or will an operation be best to

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remove it? Then Joan considered, What if it doesn’t respondto treatment? Is my will up-to-date? What will my family dowithout me? I’ll miss my daughter’s graduation and neversee my grandchildren!

Did you see what happened to Joan within an instant? She rap-idly progressed from a simple little headache into a life-threateningdisease. It’s creative, if not in total error. Instead of evaluating theinitial thought, Joan immediately launched into worrying andobsessing over stress-producing scenarios. She could have justtaken two aspirin for the headache. An important feature of thistype of expanding worry is that, as it grows, it shrinks our sense ofsafety and comfort. Soon, the watchful, wary eye begins to stay onhigh alert for anything that might need to be worried about. Justlike exercising strengthens our muscles, such reactions strengthenour habit of worrying. The difference here is that as we strengthenthe circuit of hypervigilance, we drain our emotional and physicalreserves. It’s like running the race, crossing the threshold, and hav-ing no energy available for the next race; a mechanism meant toprotect has now become harmful.

So what’s the problem? After all, lots of people have concerns.The difference is in how you let them affect your life. Worrybecomes a problem when it escalates to the point where it robsyour life of joy, and when you begin to focus on your worriesinstead of living life to the fullest. When this happens, worry con-trols you. You begin to live in a more anxious state, waiting for thenext bad thing to happen. When you expect a negative outcome, itcan become a self-ful"lling destiny. Thus, by agreeing with worry,you give it power that prompts you to watch out for anything thatcould be similarly worrisome. By agreeing with worry, you expand

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it. By agreeing with worry, you’re launched into the troublingworld of anxiety.

When we experience anxiety, we have supersized our worries.Anxiety not only results from worrying, it also seeds furtherworrying. Not everyone responds in this way, however. Are we pro-grammed to do so? For some of us, why does anxiety so oftenoverride our ability to think clearly and productively?1 New researchdemonstrates that our irrational emotions can utterly overrule ourmore temperate rational minds. The brain is hardwired to respondthis way. The old paradigm was that the body reacted based on arapid and coordinated analysis of the situation, but scienti"cevidence provided by researchers, such as Joseph LeDoux, PhD, atNew York University, found that we respond emotionally before werespond cerebrally.2 Thus, irrationality trumps rationality withbreathtaking e!ciency as sensory signals (what we see, hear, feel,smell, and taste) are translated into thoughts and rapid responses.

In the blink of an eye, our brains initiate a cascade of reactionsthat #ood the body with biochemicals of alarm and action. Whileour "rst reaction is hardwired, we can retain, elongate, or retractsubsequent responses. Thus, following the quick burst of energy,our conscious minds begin to evaluate what to do next. It is in thissecond response that our power lies.

Worry establishes itself as a problem when we do not use thissecond response to turn off the automatic reaction. Worry thenelongates our natural reactions, "res them with imaginative negativeoutcomes, fuels them with fearful anticipation, and exaggerateswhat could happen. Now worry ampli"es into anxiety.

The problem is that worry and anxiety are red #ags. They aresupposed to alert us to possible trouble, danger, and harm. Thisworked wonderfully millions of years ago, when we had to worry

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about where our next meal was coming from, whether we were safefrom saber-toothed tigers, and how we were to propagate the species.

In our modern world, overstimulation can quickly erode anevolutionary mechanism that was meant to be helpful, not harmful.Over a period of time, our negative reactions develop into quick-"ring neural circuits that become wired in our brains and bodies.Our minds and bodies become accustomed to following the negativetraining we are providing: the training to overreact, overstress, andoverworry. The myriad interactions in which we participate everyday—our jobs, "nances, personal relationships, and so on—candrain our energy resources, leaving us on an autopilot that idles in aconstant state of feeling overwhelmed and anxious.

When worry becomes supersized into anxiety, it is sending us amessage. The angst we feel comes from the impossible demand tocontrol the outside world. As you will learn, true control lies within.True control releases us from the need for total control. Truecontrol is strengthened by our conscious intention to work frominside out and in connection with our mind, body, and spirit.

Tapping Into Your CORE Power

How can you tap into your CORE power? By taking responsibilityfor managing worry and fear. You are meant to have a wonderfullife. It is within your reach. All you need to master is a simple set oftools that help you "nd the power that’s already within you; thisincredible power lies within, not without. Most of us never quiteknow how to access and manifest all that we want. Our worries andfears hold us back.

You can move beyond worry by reconnecting to your inner coreof safety and power. There are four key concepts. I call these CORE

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concepts because they draw on your inner resources, pull them backto the surface, and become your foundation for restoring balance inyour life. Each concept provides practical ways to change. You beginby quickly and easily drawing a roadmap for your own recovery.Each step forward is a step away from worry. Each tiny changeampli"es the next. By your own design, you take back your life andcreate one of purpose, power, and enjoyment.

Each of the CORE concepts builds on the previous one. Eachstep empowers the next. At the very core of your worry lies thetroubling perception that you are powerless. My friend, you are theonly one who does have the power, believe it or not. Power comesfrom the choices you make. If you don’t recognize your power ofchoice, you may feel swept along by the quick currents of life.Whether you realize it or not, you do have control over how youchoose to view any problem or challenge. You can change theimmediate, wired response, the exaggerated mental meanderings,and your subsequent overreactions. For example, instead ofresponding with anger to the behavior of others, you can learn tostep back, observe, and then choose how you will respond. Choiceis the key and the power. In our dealings with others, situations, orchallenges, a peaceful, directed mind "nds many solutions. Thechoices we make are entirely up to us. It takes time to permanentlyovercome worry; you didn’t get this way overnight, and you won’tconquer it overnight, either. But by rebuilding a more solid founda-tion, you can quickly begin to feel better and more in charge of yourlife again. It takes time to change our habits and patterns. But it’sworth your time and effort.

This is not a passive process. You are the driver, not the passen-ger, in the journey out of worry. You can read all the books on thesubject, attend lectures, roam from therapist to therapist, and take a

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variety of medications, but to transform permanently, you must res-cue yourself and take charge of your own healing.

The four CORE concepts will help you change how you viewyour life. They will provide a template for experiencing the magicand joy of life. And they will help you learn how to empower your-self and stop worry from being your driver. Each concept builds onthe previous one, and you progress at your own pace. Here’s a quicksummary of these tools.

The C in CORE stands for Choice. Healing from fear begins byrecognizing that your life is built on your choices. This initial con-cept reveals a secret: choice provides power. How you react to anysituation, event, or experience is something you choose. This bookshows you how to begin making power-building, rather than fear-seeding, choices.

The O stands for Outlook. This second concept reveals that howyou think about anything determines how you experience every-thing. By changing how you perceive, process, and react to anysituation, you surge past seemingly insurmountable problems. Youcan create safety and feel more powerful. You can deconstruct innertrash talk and negative thinking, and consciously rewire, retrain,and restore more productive ways of reacting to worries and chal-lenges. Ultimately, you launch into your own recovery by takingcharge of two natural inner forces that either hurt or heal. Thisbook will show you how.

R stands for learning to take Risks. Worriers don’t embrace theidea of doing anything risky, anything that might heighten analready overactive sense of danger. But embracing your ability tomake better choices and connect with inner sources of strengthreenergizes your self-con"dence and allows you to take baby stepsaway from worry. As con"dence builds, you begin to free yourself

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from the prison of chronic worry, and this book teaches how totone down the voice that says “don’t” and amplify the one that says“do!” You will learn how to reenergize feelings of happiness andrealize that taking risks may not be so risky. Instead, you "nd youare your own source of safety in any situation. You "nd that riskscan lead to fun, exploration, and adventure. You "nd that worryfades like a bad memory, while excitement for life is restored.

E stands for Embrace. When you embrace your inner spirit, youcultivate the highest part of yourself that loves life, gives directionthrough your feelings, and perceives meaning beyond the "ve senses.This "nal CORE concept shows you how to continue pushing backthe barriers that have hindered you. Embracing your inner spirit andyour intuitive side allows you to surge beyond limitations and headinto the remarkable. It releases a buried treasure. It rejuvenates achildlike sense of wonder, imagination, and adventure. This treasureis expansive and fun. When you feel free and safe enough to exploreinstead of recoil, you do things you never thought you could, and byturning your pain into an opportunity for growth and healing, youopen the door to becoming the person you’ve always wanted to be.

While I don’t have all the answers, I do have some exciting andhelpful ideas—ideas that are from my own personal experienceand from others who’ve taken this journey. Take what works foryou, develop your own modi"cations, and continue to seek the besthelp available.

If you want to change, you can. If you want to heal, you will. Ifyou want to take back the reins of control, you just begin. You’vesuffered long enough. Now is the time to try something new, some-thing better, something fun. Are you ready?

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Notes1. This question was posed by Jerilyn Ross in the book that she coauthored with Robin

Cantor-Cooke, One Less Thing to Worry About (New York: Ballantine Books, 2009).Former president and CEO of the Anxiety Disorders Association of America, Jerilynstruggled with anxiety and panic earlier in her life. She later became an internation-ally recognized psychotherapist and one of the nation’s leading experts on anxietydisorders. Jerilyn related her own experience that occurred while she was workingout in a gym. She repetitively lifted 130 pounds on an assisted pull-up exercisemachine. Just as she raised the weights during one lift, her nearby cell phone rang.Instantly, she jumped up to answer it while the weights came crashing down, almostcausing a serious injury to her nearby trainer. “Why did I do this?” she later won-dered. There was no emergency. Her reactions represented a seemingly automaticresponse without the bene"t of conscious thought to temper them. This inspiredJerilyn to look into scienti"c studies to see if they could provide some answers.

2. Joseph LeDoux, Synaptic Self: How Our Brains Become Who We Are (New York:Viking, 2002).

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