Unauthorised version

Unauthorised version

Published by the Concretist Foundation 2004.

n the beginning was the bear, and the bear was Boris. And the bear was without clothes, for he was bare. nd he came into the world and started causing trouble. On the first day he was culture-shocked and just pottered around a bit. On the second day he decided to get a move on and considered creating lots of rivers and mountains, plants and animals and stuff like that. On the third day he commissioned a feasibility study. On the fourth day he submitted his application for funding. On the fifth day he discovered someone else had got in theirs in first and already done it all (though it was obviously a rushed job that had been messed up). What he did on the sixth day you don‘t want to know, bearing in mind that he was still naked.

1

o he took the blether and added lime and he took two parts of sand to three parts of the lime and mixed it with water and pebbles from the river. And lo, it turned to concrete. So he took the holy book and filled the holes with the concrete.

n the seventh day he had a break and thought unto himself that he should have a book. And he looked around and saw a book called a Buybull, and thought this might be a good start, but it didn’t have a lot of pictures. And he thought unto himself that there were some gaps in the Buybull, for the Buybull is a holy book, like unto a book that has been in the land of Gerbils. And Boris saw that there was much blether in the Buybull, and that the blether was not very concrete.

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nd Boris saw that he could not make head nor tail of the book, for it was covered in excess cement and gravel. And he saw that he had made an ungodly mess. And he thought unto himself that the Buybull reminded him of an email scam, for the buyers are like unto sheep, for they are led into green pastures maintained by heavy applications of nitrates supported by agricultural subsidies and they get fleeced.

nd the Buybull was heavy reading, for now it was full of concrete. And so he wrote a book without holes, and he included many pictures, and this book was light, which made it easy for it to enter into the litter bin. And he was like the shepherd who does the fleecing, and so this book was the Sellbull. nd the accountants spoke truly when they said, “Far better Sell than Buy when a Bear replaces a Bull” and so it was good. Perhaps.

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nd he wrote that the people should give thanks to the reindeer Rudolf, for it is Santa Claus who gets all the credit but the deer who do all the hard work.

nd his book was full of suchlike statements about animals for it was a book of

Bull.

O Deer,What can the matter be?

nd Boris wrote in the book that it is easier for a Camel to enter a Swiss cinema than for a poor man to get into the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

nd he wrote in his book that there will be seven seals honking, and when the seventh seal honks the zoo will be closed down.

nd Boris wrote about a wolf in sheep’s clothing, which was confusing for he had just written that the sheep had been fleeced.

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nd Boris saw that go spell was spelled wrongly in the Buybull, and so he corrected the spelling. And he asked what was the point of sending pupils out to spell, if the teacher couldn’t even spell correctly. And so in the Sellbull there was a chapter called the Gospellandgetthegrammarright

too.

hen the people heard about the Sellbull, they gathered together asking one another, “Who is this bear who dares to mix concrete with religion?” and Boris ventured into the midst of the multitude and spoke to them until he became hoarse, and the people marvelled at his transformation, for they could not distinguish hoarse from horse, being simple people dependent on agricultural subsidies. And he droned on, which was very apt, for he happened to be speaking about a land of milk and honey.

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nd the multitude started to complain of hunger. Among them was one man with 7 loaves and 7 fishes. And Boris said, “It is written in the scriptures that the three are as one, and thus I will feed you all with these few fishes and loaves.” And he took a loaf and multiplied it by one. And he said, “Here are three loaves.” And the people could not deny it, for they were arithmetically challenged. And then he took the three loaves that were one, and applied a geometric progression, so that after eight cycles he had 6561 loaves on the right hand side of the equation, though only one

was visible to the multitude.

1 3 (from the doctrine of the Trinity)

1 3

1 3

substituting 8 we have:

6561 where is one loaf

k k

x x

x x

k

x x x

hen he multiplied the fishes in a like manner, and distributed the products to the people, and the people ate and said that their bellies were full, for by their presence in the gathering they had witnessed that they were greatly lacking in logic.

nd Boris carried out many other magical transformations by dividing by zero and confusion of categories.

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eferring to the material he had used to fill out the Buybull, Boris said, “The true religion is not syncretism, but Concretism. For nirvana is achieved by restraining the release of abominations. Blessed are those whose mouths are stitched with thread, for no more do they make loathsome utterances. Blessed are those who submit also to needlework of the inferior orifices, for thus are malodorous emissions prevented.” Thus did he explain the meaning of Concretism, causing much consternation among the listeners for they had been greatly in need of relieving themselves.

nd the people said, “He is a jealous bear who is elevating the playthings of children above humanity. For who among us comes into the world with stitched up orifices?” Then they looked at one another considering their own preferences, and said, “It is good and true”, and they wished their neighbours to become true believers. But few were those who chose themselves

to be initiated.

Boris addressing the select 1312

hen Boris taught the people about the errors of other philosophies. He revealed the true story of the three little pigs, of whom the third was an anthroposophist whose house contained no right angles. So the house fell down and all three were consumed by the wolf.

e explained that Islam is a misnomer, for it is not a religion of immature sheep. The Evangelicals are no better named, for they are odd. He proved the Marxists to be mistaken, for they believe the value of anything is in the labour that went into it, which must be false for much labour went into the Sellbull of Boris but it remains without worth.

n old man came unto Boris and said, “I have heard that the world will be flooded, and so I am building a boat, and the boat will be called No Asark, and all the different species of animals will go into the boat in twos, one male and one female of each species and they will stay there until the end of the flood. So I ask you to join with a female of your species in the boat, so that when the water subsides you will be able to procreate your species again.” And Boris laughed and told the man about food pyramids, asexual reproduction, and ring species, and showed the man his body which had no orifices with which to engage in reproductive activities. And the man said it would make a good story anyway and that Boris should not be such a spoil-sport. And the boat was overwhelmed with a surfeit of beetles, and it sank.

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hen Boris went on Retreat. And the retreat was like Napoleon’s Retreat from Moscow. For great losses were incurred, whilst moving backwards.

nd when Boris arrived at the Retreat he was asked, “How did you come amongst us, Great Bear?”. So Boris explained patiently about mechanised production lines, distribution by motor vehicle, and display shelves in shops. And the people were mystified, for they had expected him to present some cock-and-bull story about stars, possibly involving sheep and shepherds (for they had heard that he was

obsessed with these topics).

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o he explained that the Great Bear in the sky was not a real bear, but only a likeness, and they said, “Can it be that we have been worshipping an image, O Great Bear?”, and Boris answered that Concretism is very post-modern, and has no problem with idolatry. So then they answered him with another question, “Pray tell us, what mean post-modern and idolatry, O Great Bear?” And Boris decided he had suffered enough disputing with the ignorant and went away in a huff.

nd they asked him to go up a mountain to fetch the rules by which they should live their lives. And he said, “A greater fool is the man who gets his ethics from a mountaineer, even than he who buys a helicopter from a second-hand car salesman”. And he took out an old envelope and wrote his commandments on the back with an old biro.

Always adhere strictly to the two-and-a-half commandments.

2.0. Ignore rule number 1.0.

2.5. Never mind.

Naughty bits that Boris doesn‘t know about

1.0

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hen they said, “Show us your power by moving the mountain.” and Boris said, “The prophet said, if the mountain will not come to Mohammed then Mohammed must go to the mountain. But I say, if you want to move mountains ask a landscape gardener, and let Mohammed do the site visit. I am not going out today for it is raining.” And the people said, “That bear is no prophet, he is a dead loss.”

oris explained that the end of our world will come about soon, for there will be no more space on earth for those who have chosen nirvana. And the people were confused, for few of them had sealed their orifices as he instructed them, so they understood not how this would come about.

hen Boris asked them to count the numbers of beings of his ilk in their cupboards, and to compare this number with the counts of household gods in the homes of their ancestors. And they calculated that the bears were multiplied by two score in each generation. And Boris explained the secret of exponential growth so that they understood.

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nd then they were filled with consternation for they calculated that soon the earth will be covered to a depth of many perches with bears and their fellow-travellers. And there was great gnashing of dentures.

o they plotted secretly to strip the beds of their infants of Concretist infiltrators and to wreak vengeance against these agents of destruction.

hen the infants awoke and started to complain, Boris saw there was an opening for blame takers. For many were those who were willing to give blame, but few were those who would take it away. For blame is an unpleasant and slimy substance and it is not mentioned in the waste disposal regulations. And he took the blame and put it on top of a cupboard.

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oris said “Just as Salman Rushdie does not go into the land of the Persians, I will not enter that land which is ruled by the vegetation.” and the people puzzled, for they could think of no country where the vegetation held sway. So Boris gave hints about trees and irrigated cereals and spoke about nominative determinism. And it was a great mystery until finally some of the people understood and groaned.

And Boris said, “Thus will I separate the sheep from the goats in the final examination.”

nd Boris opened the seventh seal, and lo, there was a live fish called Joan inside its belly (or 6561 fishes according to the word of the select).

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nd thus the prophecies of those who hedge their bets were fulfilled, both in the beginning, and in the muddle, and in the end.

What the reviewers wrote:

The Sellbull of Boris Bear describes the ontology and metaphysics of Concretism, the most anal of world religions, whose astonishing claims are matched only by those of Christianity, Islam, Neo-liberalism, Structuralism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, Maoism, Trotskyism, Groucho-Marxism, Anthroposophy, Scientology, Seventh-Day Adventism, Post-Modernism etc.. A must-read for all students and teachers of comparative theology.