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The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

Oct 30, 2014

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Paul Delbar

Presented as a warm-up session during J and Beyond 2011 conference
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Transcript
Page 1: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers
Page 2: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

The Ugly Truth About

Stupid CustomersA Scientific Approach

Page 3: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

Raise Your Hand

If You Have Ever Encountered Such A Customer

Page 4: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

Introductory Remarks

Page 5: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

Introductory Remarks

This Presentation is the Result of years of Scientific Research into the Behavior of the Species Homo Customeris Stupidus

Sponsored by the Rl.Ac.f.t.A.o.U.o.S.C.a.t.B.t

Conducted by Eminent Specialists in the fields of Psychology, Anthropology, Econometrics and Sociopathic Sciences

Page 6: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

Introductory Remarks

Less Enlightened Pseudo-Scientists have claimed that there is No Such Thing as 'a Stupid Customer ' …

For Years, Renowned Scientists have Documented many Observations of this Species in the Wild !

WRONG !

Page 7: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

However !

While the Customeris Stupidus does in fact Exist, it is a rather Rare and Shy Creature

Most Observations have been exposed as cases of Confusion with the Customeris Vulgaris !

Such mis-classification is known to have Desastrous Consequences!

Page 8: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

What We Shall Present Today

A Correction of the hitherto available Classification of the Customeris Stupidus

A Proven Approach to avoid the Potentially Lethal Consequences of Exposure to this SpeciesMay we ask the Gentlemen in

the audience to cover the Eyes of the Ladies when necessary

Page 9: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

Homo Customeris Frustratus

« I Thought You Knew That »

Page 10: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

Customer: What did you say ? Translate the content myself ? Not automatic, is it ? I thought that was going to be done automatic ally ! Had I know you were incapable of building this I would have gone with Drupal, my friend assured me that his site does all that and more, he doesn't need to bother at all, well, you've really put me in a difficult spot with your Open Source approach, I won't fall for that again !

You: But when I asked you during our first

meeting whether you needed

a multi-lingual site, why did you say 'No' ?

Page 11: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

Managing Expectations

It has been Proven beyond reasonable doubt that Customeris Frustratus does NOT exist

Frustratus is often confused with cases of Acute Disappointment, which can lead to chronic Displeasure

The only Approach known to work is Prevention by using Documentation

Page 12: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

Customer: Er … you're right. How stupid of me.

You: But why did you not react when we

presented our initial analysis document ?

Page 13: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

Home Customeris Alwaysmohrus*

The Ever Expanding Expextation

† after Prof.Dr. Ursula.K.Always-Mohr (°1934 – †2009)

Page 14: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

You: But how was I to foresee

in 2011 what technology would be current

30 years later ?

Customer: So you're saying you think it's Normal that my Site isn't compatible with Explorer XXVI ? The entire 3D-effect is missing, I'ld say that's not the quality you would expect from a professional webdesigner, perhaps I should have worked with another company altogether …

Page 15: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

Avoiding 'Scope Creep'

Prof. Always-Mohr discovered that in all likelihood, the Alwaysmohrus (also known as Extendum Continuum) became extinct around 1430

Since then, documented sightings have proven to be cases of regular Customeris (Customeris Vulgaris) with increased Assertivity levels

In such cases, it is Capital to write down all Promises in a Contract

Page 16: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

You: But doesn't the contract

clearly mentions which browser

versions we will test against ?

Customer: Er … you're right. How stupid of me.

Page 17: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

Homo Customeris Reclamatus

The Unhappy Customer

Page 18: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

Customer: You promised me the site would be ready today, I've got a Board meeting in an hour and now I see a missing image, on the home page no less, in the section the Boss wrote himself, I'm making a fool of myself if this comes up on the screen, you bunch of incompetent morons, you'll give me an ulcer, wait till my Legal Department get their hands on you lot, they'll skin you !!

You: … (lost for words)

Page 19: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

Dealing With Reclamatus

Demonstration

Page 20: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

You: I understand this must be very

annoying for you, and I'm

sorry. Perhaps we can discuss later

what can be done to avoid this in the

future, but I'll quickly fix the

image and make your demo a

success.

How about that ?

Customer: Er … you're right. How stupid of me.

Page 21: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

Conclusion

Page 22: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

Remain Vigilant !

Time is Lacking to discuss Customeris Pauperis (who cannot pay you

just now)Customeris Amateurus (who ruined the site

by upgrading to 1.6)Customeris Ignoramus (who thinks the

Facebook feature set is part of a standard website installation)

To Guide you, we've composed a little Song

Page 23: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

The Ballad of the Stupid Customer

Page 24: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

The Ballad of the Stupid Customer

Intro

Dear Customer, I love you so, but something I must tell

from time to time you turn my life into a bleedin' hellI cannot sleep, I beat my wife and drink until I'm blueBut change is in the air tonight and what must change

is you

Page 25: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

The Ballad of the Stupid Customer

1st Verse

I'll document precisely what I think you really meantbecause I'm trying to avoid discussions at the endI'll write it down on paper, for you to read and sign

I'll build your site, I'll turn it live and it will be sublime

Page 26: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

The Ballad of the Stupid Customer

Chorus

Customers are Stupid, acting like a foolThey don't know what they really need,

like they never went to schoolThey can be very irritating and so, my Friend, are youso go and mend your silly ways and try to get a clue

Page 27: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

The Ballad of the Stupid Customer

2nd Verse

Everything in life must end, so my fixed price contracts doyou'll get what you have ordered, down to the final screw

But should you ask for one more thing, as simple as it may

I'll write up an addendum and tell you what to pay

Page 28: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

The Ballad of the Stupid Customer

Chorus

Customers are Stupid, some are greedy tooThey hope they'll never have to pay for the things they

make you doNow I don't work for nothing, never done and never will

so be a sport, call your bank and pay the final bill

Page 29: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

The Ballad of the Stupid Customer

3rd Verse

I know that I'm not perfect and there's an error on your screen

but what you said about me and that sheep was really mean

I'll fix the bug and hope that that will lighten up your mood

perhaps you'll quiet down again and stop being so rude

Page 30: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

The Ballad of the Stupid Customer

Chorus

Customers are Stupid, angry and irateBut all that cursing in my ears doesn't help me

concentrateSo please stop screaming on the phone and uppercase

your mailLeave me be to find the problem that makes your pages

fail

Page 31: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

The Ballad of the Stupid Customer

4th Verse

I think you understand by now I've had it up to hereyou'll have to change your ways a bit, I hope it's crystal

clearShould you return tomorrow for another Joomla gig

then we will do things my way or I'll gut you like a pig

Page 32: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

The Ballad of the Stupid Customer

Chorus

Customers are Stupid, Customers are dumbBut maybe if we help them, all these faults are overcomeIf you set your mind free baby, maybe you'll understand

Customers are useful and some are downright grand

Page 33: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

The Ballad of the Stupid Customer

Epilogue

To this enlightened audience, there's one thing left to sayI'll give you one more golden rule to live by every day

Customers are people just like you and meI hope that you will all become a happy family

Page 34: The Ugly Truth about Stupid Customers

The End

[email protected] - @pdelbar