The Sandspur Vol 112 Issue 23

A Rollins student has re-cently contracted avian in-fluenza, commonly referredas the Bird Flu, from a suspi-ciously chunky milkshakefrom the Grille in Dave'sDown Under. For respectfulpurposes, the family wishestheir child’s name to remainunknown until the investiga-tion is fully played out.

The student was simplyenjoying a night out withfriends when the student no-ticed a strange taste to themilkshake purchased fromthe friendly staff at theGrille. The next day and con-tinuing into the followingday, the student began to feelsymptoms of apparent foodpoisoning.

Not thinking anything of

it, the student continuedabout the normal schoolweek until the symptomscontinued into the weekendfollowing the consumptionof the tainted milkshake.

The student attended ahealth clinic in the area rec-ommended by another stu-dent who had once experi-enced food poisoning anddid not feel comfortable at-tending the health clinic oncampus. After some bloodwork was done, strains ofthe controversial avian in-fluenza were found in thestudent's blood stream.

The student was imme-diately sent to the local hos-pital and remained there forthree days until the condi-tion was confirmed. Friendsin close contact with the stu-dent, including the student'sroommate, were also sent tothe hospital for blood work.However, the condition maynot show up in blood workfor up to three months.These specific students,along with the original stu-dent, are being held in a con-tainment center in England,where teams of specialists

have been working on thecure for the disease for overa year.

The student who con-

tracted the virus died Mon-day at the International Hos-pital from complications.

Rollins students are told

to be wary of any suspiciousfood served within the cam-pus center and to check all

Rollins awoke this morn-ing to find itself blanketedbeneath a significant accu-mulation of snowfall, thelikes of which Central Flori-da has never seen. Despitethe dramatic weather situa-tion, the resolve of theRollins community has en-sured that no academic timewill be lost to the ills ofweather. Classes have notbeen called off today, accord-ing to administrationsources, nor are there anyplans to do so.

The snow began fallinglate last night and began toaccumulate into a significantsnow event, the likes ofwhich are usually seen onlyin more northern climates.Soon the greenery of Rollinsfound itself beneath a layerof wintry white, resemblinga liberal arts campus straight

out of the NortheasternUnited States.

Blizzard conditions weredeclared in the early hoursof this morning as windstopped fifty miles an hour,fiercely blowing the accumu-

lating snow into a blindingswirl of white. These un-precedented conditions werethe result of a cold air massrapidly descending fromCanada, reaching NorthernFlorida before any sign of

precipitation was detected.The uncharacteristic latecold, coupled with the satu-rated mass, yielded a disas-trous wintry surprise forCentral Floridians to awaketo this morning.

With snow still falling, atotal accumulation is un-known, already reachinglevels of more than a foot.The fierce winds havecaused significant driftingand the cold, although shortterm has caused a dramaticfreeze throughout the regionwhose implications will onlybe known once the blizzardonslaught subsides.

Cities throughout Cen-tral Florida have declared astate of emergency and haveclosed all offices and re-quired non-essential person-nel to remain home. The ma-jority of other Central Flori-da businesses and institu-tions have closed, includingall major public and privateschools. Major roads includ-ing I-4, the 408, and the 417were deemed impassabledue to a lack of proper snowremoval equipment, being

SOME OF THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO PRINT - AND A LOT THAT ISN’Twww.thesandspur.orgVOL. 112 ISSUE 23

NEWS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2CRUMMER NEWS . . . . .5HOLT NEWS . . . . . . . . . .6LIFE & TIMES . . . . . . . . . .8ENTERTAINMENT . . . .12OPINIONS . . . . . . . . . . .15SPORTS . . . . . . . . . . . . . .18

Index

Mold Eats Rollins StudentFind out more about the mysterious devouringof a Rollins student by the mold we oncethought to be our friend.

page 04

Rollins Renamed Harvard SouthIn Life and Times read all about the Rollinsname change: its reasons, its implications, itsgoals.

page 08

Second Coming Site DeterminedFind out our exclusive information regarding

the Second Coming and its location here on theRollins campus.

page 21

MARCH 31, 2006

APRIL FOOL’S EDITION

Freak Blizzard Strikes, Classes RemainJosh Beneshthe slantspur

DANI PICARD / The Slantspur (illustration)

LET IT SNOW! LET IT SNOW! LET IT SNOW!: The Rollins Campus was recently blessed withthe miracle of snow. Classes, however, still remained for the fair-weathered Floridians.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 2

Rollins Student Contracts Avian FluNicole Fluetthe slantspur


THE EVIDENCE: Rollins student, whose family wishes to remain anonymous, recently contract-ed Avian Influenza from a milkshake at the Grille in Dave’s DownUnder.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 2

Rollins College an-nounced at a press confer-ence last week they will bepurchasing the Universityof Central Florida.

The plan has been onthe tables for years now, butfinally it will become a real-ity. After a consistent rise intuition prices, Rollins hasamassed enough surplusmoney to purchase one ofthe largest schools in Flori-da.

The cost was nearly $10billion dollars and tookfour years of inflatedRollins tuition in order toafford it

Rollins' purchase ofUCF will bring big changesto the university. Forstarters, UCF will no longerbear the same name be-cause it will no longer be astate run institution. It willnow be known as the Un-derprivileged College ofFlorida.

This way, the schoolwill still retain its sameacronym to avoid confu-sion. Rollins feels that thisnew name, however, moreaccurately describes the re-lationship between the twoschools. But Rollins letthem keep their former ini-tials to make them feel asthough they were not beingcompletely stripped of theiridentity. UCF will be usedas an alternative for thosestudents whose parents'bank accounts are smallerthan seven figures. In thatsense, nothing will change.

Rollins has also decidedthey must change UCF'smascot in the course of thischange. The mascot will be,instead of the GoldenKnights, the Tin Cans.

The campus will nolonger see the pretentiousimages of the knight or the

Pegasus. In-stead, theywill see thehumble, yetstrong, small,yet important,image ofAmerica's fa-vorite methodof food stor-age-the can.

The cam-pus mustchange inother ways, aswell. Therewill no longerbe any needfor athletic fa-cilities, be-cause, if theyare to be apart ofRollins, sportswill not do atall.

All facili-ties for athletics, especiallythose for football andmarching band, will beturned into the UCF spa.Rollins students will beable to visit the spa, as well,and will get first priorityover the appointments forthe services of the spaabove UCF students.

UCF will also see majorchanges in their curricula.UCF currently does nothave majors in golf, finewine, or underwater bas-ket-weaving. Rollins willinstitute these changes intheir curriculum when theschool reopens under itsnew management in thefall.

Rollins' major concernin this process, however, isthat the current students ofUCF may feel out of placeas a result of this transition.They are suddenly mem-bers of the Rollins commu-nity, which is not what theysigned up for when theydecided to go to UCF.

In order to aid students

with the transition, Rollinsplans to team up withDowneast to get a store onUCF's campus. This willhopefully provide all thecollared shirts with little al-ligators on them for the stu-dents on campus so theyare able to fit in with thecollar-flipping culture oftheir sister campus.

Rollins believes itwould be appropriate thatUCF students go throughcounseling sessions to helpthem adjust to the changes.

Rollins will institutethese changes as soon aspossible, so that most ofthem will be ready whenthe University of CentralFlorida reopens as the Un-derprivileged College ofFlorida in the fall.

UCF students will beexpected to purchase theirLouis Vuitton bags and La-coste shirts prior to the firstday of class. And chauf-feured BMW's will be usedfor students transportationsfrom Rollins to UCF.

The purchase of UCF

will only make things betterfor Rollins students, whowill now have a wider vari-ety in courses to choosefrom.

Plans for constructionwill begin this summer andsoon UCF will resemble thebeautiful campus of RollinsCollege.

All UCF students willsoon become part of theRollins community and bewelcomed to attend fea-tured events that take placeon the Rollins campus.

COURTESY OF CNN.COM

Iraq: Peace was announcedin Iraq. The war is now overand American soliders willbe returning back to thestates within the next twomonths.

Afganistan: Osama binLaden called President Bushand said he was sorry for allthe trouble he has caused.

Africa: A brand new Dis-neyland will be opening inNigeria.

China: A cure for bird fluwas found by a Chinese sci-entist who contracted thedisease and was not ready todie.

Malaysia: The Malaysiangovernment is happy to helpwith the country’s first high-way drive-in spa center.They believe that givingdrivers the opportunity torelax in order to ease tensionto stress-out drivers.

France: New laws will notallow any child under theage of ten work because thegovenment does not feelthat children need their ownincome.

Washington D.C.: PresidentBush admits he secretlythinks Iraq was a mistake,but was only going alongwith what his advisors toldhim.

Florida: The Rollins Collegepost office admits to sendingout packages containing An-thrax.

California: After a devastat-ing earthquake the state ofCalifornia fell into the Pacif-ic Ocean and is no longerpart of the United States.

Florida: An unknown vol-cano erupted in CentralFlorida. Lava flowed downhighways and ash fell fromthe sky.

Washington D.C.: PresidentBush admits he secretlythinks Iraq was a mistake,but was only going along

with what his advisors toldhim.

Washington D.C.: Vice Pres-ident Cheney threw a dartinto the eye of a friend whileplaying darts in a localWashington D.C. bar.

Florida: A family stowedaway on a Royal CaribbeanCruise Ship. They were fi-nally found after being onthe ship for two months.

Missouri: A category fivehurricane hit Missouri unex-pectedly in the middle of thenight causing over three feetof flooding and miles of de-bris.

NEWSTHE SLANTSPUR· MAR. 31, 20062 VOL. 112 ISSUE 23

WORLDNEWS

NATIONALNEWS

Snow Daydeclared 100 percent snowand ice covered. Cities andstates across the countryhave responded with thedispatch of emergency snowremoval equipment to clearroadways and crews to re-pair damage to infrastruc-ture as a result of the coldand snow.

The deteriorating situa-tion and failing infrastruc-ture have led to a curfewbeing placed in effect by thecity of Orlando and sur-rounding communities, re-stricting residents to all butthe most necessary travel.All residents are urged to re-main in their homes untilthe winds subside and roadsare clear.

At Rollins, in a decisionmade last evening, it becameobvious that snow wouldnot come between the Tarsand higher learning. It wasannounced via severalmeans of communicationthat faculty, staff, and stu-dents were expected to re-port for classes, despite bliz-zard level conditions.

Amid significant protestfrom faculty and the studentbody it was determined thatmembers of the Rollins com-munity had the will andability to brave the harshestof weather conditions inpursuit of their goals ofglobal citizenship and re-sponsible leadership.

Students choosing not toattend classes will not re-ceive the benefit of an ex-cused absence, nor will con-cessions be made to mem-bers of the faculty or staffunable or unwilling to arrivefor class.

The Rollins campus isadvised to be as careful aspossible when attendingclass in the blizzard. Sincemany students are not usedto conditions of this weath-er, students are advised toresearch the best methods oftravel.

UCF Purchased by Rollins Jami Furo

the slantspur


UNIVERSITY OF ROLLINS: Rollins College buys University of Florida whichgive Rollins students more oppurtunities.

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1

Avian Flumilkshakes for abnormalchunks before consumption.Until more information isreleased, stay on the lookoutfor e-mails regarding thematter from the UnitedStates Department ofHealth. Currently, they arenot planning on releasing anadvisory in order to protectthe privacy of the studentand his/her family.

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1

Residential Life an-nounced that they havenow decided to use a newhigh-tech system to wire-tap each phone line and in-ternet line to create a saferenvironment for the stu-dents and faculty of RollinsCollege.

The Res-Life committeemet and discussed all de-tails of the wire-tappingamong themselves andfailed to involve students inthe decision that maychange their lives forever.

Of course when stu-dents learned of the planthey were outraged and feltthat all of their privacy wasgoing to be slowly strippedaway from them. Sopho-more, Emily Spencer, doesnot see why Res-Life finds itnecessary to know all thebusiness of each Rollins res-ident. Spencer also feelsthat she would be better offliving off-campus for hernext two years of school sothat she will not have toworry about her privateconversations being moni-tored.

Rollins students havebegun to complain abouthow illegal it is for Rollinsemployees to monitorphone calls and reviewemails. Senior Kendall

Dawson, who is applyingfor Law school nextfall,stated that Res-Lifewould need a warrant tomonitor the private phonecalls of each student, espe-cially if the students werenot guilty of any suspiciousbehavior.

Rollins is a rather safecampus; no students havedone anything that wouldbring harm to others, butRes-Life is making it seemas though something suspi-cious is taking place on thecampus and that it must bestopped. Rollins studentsare not terrorists and no ter-rorizing events have takenplace on campus recently sothere really is no reasonwhy Res-Life needs to wire-tap.

The overall view ofRollins College will proba-bly soon decrease for tworeasons, first of all who willwant to come to a college inwhich there is no privacyand second if it becomesknown that calls and emailsare monitored it may seemas though there is a poten-tial risk to any studentswho attend.

It seems as though Res-Life is following in the foot-steps of President Bush whofeels that it would be effec-tive to wire-tap suspectedAl Qaeda terrorists in orderto prevent them from at-

tacking the United Statesagain, but Bush has a legiti-mate reason unlike Res-Life; terrorists versus col-lege students.

However, unlike thePresident of the UnitedStates, Res-Life does nothave the right to take thelaw into their own handsand they do not have theauthority to electronicallyintercept private calls ofstudents without a searchwarrant.

The wire-tappingseemed like a great idea toRes-Life and they even usedover one million dollarsfrom the college's money topay for high-tech equip-ment. And since the equip-ment has already been paidfor it does not look like theyare going to go back ontheir plan even if studentsare completely against theprocess.

Junior, Kevin McPhee,said he will no longer beusing his telephone in hisroom and will avoid usingemail at all costs. Theschool has also receivedseveral phone calls fromangry parents who havethreatened to pull theirchild out of the school ifwire-tapping did start tooccur. The phone callsmade by parents were over-heard by Res-Life as theybegan testing.

NEWS 3MAR. 31, 2006· THE SLANTSPURVOL. 112 ISSUE 23

Campus Safety RobbedLast week, the Rollins

College Campus Safety of-fice was robbed sometimebetween the hours of 1 amand 4 am. Although for themost part the office was notdisturbed, minus a couplebowls of candy and an oldbox of doughnuts, the canal-ization that could have oc-curred was averted. Howev-er, when officers returnedfrom their rounds of secur-ing the campus and theparking lot, they found theoffice door open with all thecomputers turned on.

As they prowled aroundthe office, looking for theperpetrator, one of the offi-cers noticed that all the bootsin the back room had gonemissing, along with collectedcontraband from the dormsand last week's parties.Upon further inspection ofthe computers, IT discoveredthat all the tickets that hadbeen issued in the last se-mester were erased from thesystem, and replaced with alittle memo about lockingdoors when you leave.

IT reported that the

deleted tickets, calculatingfrom the last few years ofticket collections, was some-where in the range of costingthe college over $250,000. Al-though the Campus Safetyoffice was concerned aboutthe missing tickets, theyhave resolved themselves tomaking back that money bythe end of the semesterthrough higher ticket pricesand boots.

A few estimates thatyour average parking ticket,which currently is in the $50area, will be increased to $75,with a week to pay and thendoubling if it is added ontothe student account.

A few officers reporteddesigner bags and pursesmissing from their offices,which were locked whenthey left but were unlockedwhen they returned. Soundslike a familiar thief is on theprowl around the Rollinscampus.

A few days after the of-fice break in, the missingboots turned up in an ironicchange of events for theCampus Safety Office.

Unfortunately, all golfcarts on campus had beenbooted, along with the Cam-

pus Safety trucks. The trucksall included the nasty yellowsticker, which had to be re-moved later with Goo Be-Gone as the perpetrator hadsuper-glued the tickets ontothe window.

The debacle took hoursfor Campus Safety to sortout, including the best wayof removing the boot (As theperpetrator had stolen all thekeys along with the boots)without divulging to the stu-dent population a tricky bootremoving method.

In the end, they wereforced to call their frat broth-ers on campus to help themdeflate all the tires to removethe boots, and then re-pumpthe tires back up to workingconditions.

Although there havebeen no breaks in the case asof yet, Campus Safety has as-serted its commitment tofinding whoever carried outsuch a heinous act.

Together with the BursarOffice, the officers have sincebeen assembling a list of dis-gruntled students whowould be willing to vandal-ize the office. Thus far over1356 students have beennamed as possible suspects.

Kelsey Fieldthe slantspur

ResLife’s New Wire-Tapping PlanRochelle Siegel

the slantspur

More Green for:More Green!

Tuition will double fornext year due to abnormallyhigh landscaping costs. Overthe past academic year,Rollins College has resodedevery piece of grass twelvetimes, planted, dug up andreplanted fifty seven treessix times, completely redoneall flower beds three timesand replanted all of the rosebushes in the President'srose garden four and a halftimes.

The grass was resodedfor all of the various eventswhere Trustees, parents andnews media were scheduledto attend. Five of the resod-ings were undertaken be-cause of an infestation ofcrab grass and clover in thesame square foot area ofMills Lawn.

The President's rose gar-den was replanted when amember of the FacilitiesManagement Staff noticed awilting flower on one of thebushes. Everyone appeareddistressed over the loss ofsuch beautiful bushes to thenatural wilting of age.

The fifty-seven trees thatwere planted and thenmoved to new locationswere involved in a simplecase of fickleness. Dean ofLandscaping, Bent Grasse,changed his mind severaltimes over the ambience thatspecific trees gave provideddifferent locations. Hechanged his mind six times.Mr. Grasse commented, "Isimply wish to promote thecorrect atmosphere for ourillustrious students, facultyand extended family. No onewants to live on or visit acampus with poor locationchoices for trees."

Dean Grasse had muchto say about the multiple

flower garden makeoversthat took up so much timeand manpower that theMcKean elevator remainedbroken for three weeks and asinkhole on Chase the size ofa VW Beatle was left alonefor a month and a half. Mr.Grasse said, "Well I was soangered over the poor quali-ty of the mulch and chipsthat were brought in, that Ihad the mulching companymake three new Rollins ex-clusive types of mulch andchips. And about the plants,I realized that the entirecolor scheme was messed upand it took a few tries to getit right, and it is alright…forthe moment."

What all of this land-scaping means to the Rollinsstudent is that tuition will bedoubled next year to accountfor the high landscapingcosts this year and to pro-vide Dean Grasse with somefinancial room so he is notforced to finalize any land-scaping changes on the firsttry. Now Rollins studentsare must pay more to attendthe college so we can havefresh new landscaping proj-ects take place multipletimes a semester.

Many students arehappy to pay the extramoney for an ever-changingand improving botanicalambience so prized by ourDean of Landscaping. How-ever, others are disappoint-ed in the college for allow-ing, in the words of ananonymous student, "frivo-lous spending." What willthe long term impacts of thisincreased tuition to bolsterthe landscaping budget befor Rollins? Will these longterm impacts be worth it?No one seems to know rightnow, but you will have to de-cide for yourself.

Brett Heineythe slantspur

NICOLE FLUET / The Slantspur (illustration)

ADDING COLOR: Rollins has begun landscaping for a morebeautiful campus in the upcoming year.

The flagpole that oncestood tall over the MillsMemorial Lawn, the heartof the Rollins campus, wasstolen in broad daylight bya group of unmasked rob-bers the other day. Eyewit-nesses report to The Sand-spur that the robbery tookplace at sometime betweenone p.m. and four p.m. on aclear blue sky springRollins day.

The gang began by re-moving the American flagfrom the pole and the hav-ing an elaborate flag-fold-ing celebration. Apparentlythey did not want to disre-spect the old Red, Whiteand Blue. They also fol-lowed protocol in foldingthe flag of the state of Flori-da and the Rollins flag.

After carefully placingthe flags in special cases,they proceeded to saw offthe flagpole. It seems thatthey ran into trouble whenthe saw ran out of gas. Therobbers then went to facili-

ties and asked where theyget some fuel for theirpower tool. Upon the re-quest facilities said theycould take some of theirgas, and they fueled up thepower saw.

They sawed the pole offfor about thirty minutes.Quiet a group of studentsamassed around the lawnbecause of the horriblenoise that came from thesaw. The robbers were verycareful when knocking thepole over, they made it fallaway from any buildings orcars parked on Holt Av-enue.

Sources say that thethieves' plan involved lift-ing the flagpole towardsHolt Avenue where a get-away crane would be wait-ing for them. The crane wasstuck in traffic, because ofannoying Rollins pedestri-ans crossing Fairbanks Av-enue. The thieves did notaccount for how heavy theflag pole was going to be sothey enlisted the aid ofsome Campus Security Of-ficers that just happened tobe driving by on their golf

cart. They efforts were notenough, so they needed thehelp of some of Rollins'oldest residents the mas-sive squirrel population.

The hodge-podge car-rying team managed to getthe flagpole onto Holt Av-enue, but this caused amassive traffic jam on thestreet. The traffic jam heldup the crane-truck evenmore, since of course Holtis only wide enough forone car to pass by. CampusSecurity then intervenedand cleared out the trafficjam for the robbers.

So finally after this or-deal that lasted longer thanthe robbers expected theymanaged to lift the flagpoleonto the truck, and the rob-bers drove away with theflagpole.

When most studentswere asked about theirthoughts on the missingflagpole answered, "What?The flagpole is missing?Oh, I knew something waswrong with the lawn." Infact it took about a week forthis publication to figureout that the flagpole had

been missing. The adminis-tration did not comment,but an anonymous sourcetold The Slantspur that

they believed this was justanother cause of "kidsbeing kids."

A student at Rollins Col-lege has suffered a tragicfate. Over the weekend, afreshman girl living in WardHall was eaten by the moldthat has continued to spreadthroughout the building.

The mold formation is ofthe species dormitoriusreslifeignoricus, and it hasposed a threat for years. Ithas spread throughout thevarious dorms on campus,but usually, it has formed insmaller formations. Studentshave reported the yellowishfuzzy substance spreadingacross their ceilings andwalls, especially aroundwindows and air condition-er vents. There have alsobeen reports of sightings inthe dormitory bathrooms.

However, this is the firsttime that a formation hasever grown large enough todevelop a mind of its own.The formation began as aspot forming about a leakyair conditioner vent. As itbegan to spread and developa yellow, fuzzy consistency,

she became concerned. Thevictim, who will remainnameless at the request ofthe family, discovered thespot on her ceiling andbrought it to the attention ofResidential Life.

Representatives of theDepartment of ResidentialLife ensured the student thatthere was nothing to be con-cerned about. They assuredthe student that it was sim-ply water damage, and acoat of paint could fix the sit-uation. Even though the stu-dent reasserted that the spotwas fuzzy and looked likemore than paint damage, therepresentatives from Resi-dential Life successfully re-assured the girl that sheshould not be concerned.

Over the weeks, howev-er, the spot began to grow.After a while, the spot grewin length, width, and height,creating a rather large three-dimensional structure. Thevictim truly became con-cerned when she heard theformation breathing as sheslept.

After a few weeks, thestudent decided that she

must put a stopto the mold for-mation. She al-legedly plottedagainst it forthree days. Herneighbors saidshe hardly lefther room duringthat time. Herprofessors saidshe did not at-tend class. Herfriends said shewould not an-swer her phoneor respond totheir e-mails.Plans werefound on herdesk, includingcomplex maps,procedures andequipment.

At the end of those threedays, it was the victim'snext-door neighbor whoheard the scream and ran toher rescue. The victim wasfound dangling from herceiling, as the mold forma-tion began swallowing herwhole.

Investigators have puttogether that the victim was

trying to attack the mold for-mation when the formationturned fought back. As shereached to destroy the crea-ture, it began to devour her.Despite her struggle, the for-mation won the battle.

The Sandspur asked theDepartment of ResidentialLife about the incident,given they had the opportu-nity to respond to the situa-

tion in advance. They had nocomment to offer, however.Likewise, the representativesof PR and Admissions havenothing to say.

The room, on the otherhand, has been quarantined.The door has been boltedshut until further precau-tions can be taken. WardHall has been taken off of thetour for Rollins prospects.

NEWS4 THE SLANTSPUR· MAR. 31, 2006 VOL. 112 ISSUE 23

All advertisements and classifiedsare legitimate advertisements.

Mold Eats Rollins StudentJami Furo

the slantspur

KELLY MCNOLDY / The Slantspur (illustration)

ATTACK OF THE MOLD: Mold from a Rollins dorm room eats student re-cently, causing much controversy on the Rollins campus.

Flagpole Stolen With Aid of Security,Most of Campus Unaware

Hugo Bossthe slantspur

Starting in 1956, thatlovely little animal, theRollins Fox, has canceled “allclasses, meetings, seminarsand other gathers of the resi-dential college scheduled”on one surprise day in thespring. Unfortunately, thepesky beast never thought toexpand its proclamation toinclude any of the otherschools at Rollins.

Thanks to student un-rest, however, and severalthreats by alumni givers inthe Roy E. Crummy Society(gifts of $1 million or more)who remain bitter aboutnever experiencing Fox Day,all that is changing.

“Fox Day,” for thoseCrummy students who don'tknow, is a great time forRollins undergrads to goparty at the beach. Said onesoon-to-be Crummy flunk-out, “I don't understand

why they haven’t includedus. We are all over 21, sowe'd really be able to addsomething to the celebration,namely alcohol.”

Apparently administra-tion now agrees, and after anextensive battle, every FoxDay will henceforth occurbefore April 1st. This changeis occurring because Fox Dayhas often landed in the be-ginning and middle of April,a time when Crummy stu-dents may not even have

class and thus would receiveno benefit from being in-cluded in Fox Day.

Most students in theknow are really excitedabout this new perk andhave said they now plan onshowing up to class everyday in the hopes that therewon’t be any. Faculty mem-bers are equally happy. Onegroup is stating, “Thank theFox I won’t have to see thesestudents for at least one daythis year,” while the other

says they “can’t wait to partylike it’s 1969.”

Some students, however,think they are paying to getan education and see this asan attempt to undermine theschool’s academic quality.

These students shouldwatch their back on Fox Day.Word on the street is thatthis group of students willbe forced to particpate insomething entirely uncom-fortable and foreign tothem—a fun time.

As many of you mayknow, parking during the dayis generally reserved for fac-ulty members and visitors,but after an extensive dia-logue between the Rollinsand Crummy administra-tions, Crummy students willnow have the exclusive rightto park in the three areas clos-est to the building: the gym,the President's lot, and infront of Crummy Hall.

More and more studentshave been showing up toclass late, offering excuseslike “It took me 10 minutes tofind a parking space” and “Isaw Dr. [name withheld]slyly trying to park in a stu-dent spot.” Faculty membersincreasingly voiced frustra-tion at these students untilone day a fight broke out.

According to the student,who wishes to remain anony-mous but whose initials areB.S., “I don't see why all theprofessors need parking

spaces anyway. It's not likethey are rushing to get toclass like I am. Those guys al-ways get to school early, sohow's the 3 minute walk fromthe parking garage going tohurt them?”

According to decisionmakers, the rationale for ex-tending the privilege to

Crummy students is becauseit is the smallest group oncampus and thus the only onethat could be covered com-pletely—plus they wanted tobe nice. The real reason, how-ever, is because after graduat-ing, “Crummys” give themost money and time back tothe school.

After years of secrecyand cover-up, all of Crum-my will now know whatonly the select few used toknow: most of the studentsreally aren’t all that smart.

The information, whichcould spell ruin for theschool, was allegedly leakedby a disgruntled studentwho typically has been la-beled a slacker and waslooking for regenge. Latelast week, he supposedlybribed a member of FacilitiesManagement to let him intoCrummy’s administrativeoffices.

The student, now ondouble secret probation, hascalled the cover-up “outra-geous and disappointing.”The exposed Crummer stu-dents are equally upset athaving been outed to all oftheir peers.

“I am ashamed and em-barrassed,” said one student,“that everyone knows what

I have known my wholelife—I was socially promot-ed through most grades.”The stigma that will now beattached to these studentsmight mean that not evenCrummy alumni will givethem a job after graduation.

The study, which detailsCrummy students’ academichistories back to the sixthgrade, provided several keyinsights, but the most inter-esting figure is how oftenthese students “brown-nosed” to achieve bettergrades.

Reportedly, the non-so-cially promoted students—i.e., the ones with decentGPAs—gave generic classdiscussion responses, of-fered bogus compliments,and stayed after school to“help” teachers 200% morethan both the genuinelysmart Crummy students andthe socially promoted ones.Next week: a restatementwith an even higher percent.

Crummy News5

THE SLANTSPURVOL. 112 ISSUE 23

EDITOR: MELINDA GREEN [email protected]

Rollins Fox Day Extended to CrummyStudents After Years of Neglect

Melinda Greenthe slantspur

All Crummy StudentsGet Reserved ParkingSpaces On-Campus

“If I Only Hada Brain” StudyReleased


Upcoming Events4-5Crummy Social ClubCome join your fellow stu-dents for an evening of triv-ia and lots of merry-makingthis Wednesday at 5:30 PMat Rollins’ favorite hangout.If you don’t know where itis, ask the undergrads.

4-6Call Out A ProfessorIn the Gateway to the Top,which happens to be in thebasement, Crummy will behaving a free-for-all compli-ment and complaint sessionat which you can let every-one know what is on yourmind. Come at 11:45 AMand plan to spend the rest ofthe day.

4-7Not So Hot Jobs For Not SoHot GradsCrummy students with lessthan stellar GPAs now havea chance to shine with em-ployers who’d like MBAs atBA pay rates. The eventwill be held in the AlfondSports Center at 4:30 PMdue to high anticipatedturnout.

As you go out into the world and start planning for yourlong-term financial health, be sure to take the advice of avery successful Wall Street money-maker and consistently

Buy High, Sell Low!

Business Tip of the Week



Holt NewsTHE SLANTSPUR

6

VOL. 112 ISSUE 23

EDITOR: JEAN BERNARD [email protected]

The Hamilton HoltSchool administration on itssearch to bring new profes-sors into its already loadedstaff and create new coursesis successful in getting theNobel Peace Prize winnerand former President ofSouth Africa, Mr. NelsonMandela, to teach a humanrights course in summer2006.

It was a very thoughfight that our institutionwon. A member of the ad-ministration states that theHamilton Holt School hasjust won the Power-ball. Asyou all can imagine it wasnot an easy fight to win.When President Mandelaannounced last year his in-tention to teach a class inAmerica, all the big nameuniversities launched theirbid to bring him to their re-spective campus. Theythrow money at him like rainfalling from the sky, but onething they did not know isthat President Mandela isnot after money.

He made it clear that hewould review all the offersthoroughly and made a deci-sion by mid March. Amongmany other requirements fora bid qualification was hav-

ing a great human rightsrecord, and I kid you notthis was the most pow-erful requirement of all.

Professor Delaman,the head of the newfounded Hamilton HoltHuman Rights Depart-ment, was very certainthat the Holt Schoolwould win the competi-tion against all odds. HeSaid, “I knew that wewere going to win be-cause we have the great-est human rightsrecords of all the institu-tions and we are minutesfrom Universal Studio, SeaWorld, Disney World, andthe Kennedy Space Center.Based on his undercover in-vestigation, he learned thatMandela loves these attrac-tions and enjoy the Florida’swarm weather.

Now because the de-mand for the Nobel PeacePrize winner was so high,the Holt School expects toraise the tuition for thiscourse alone from under onethousand dollars to threethousands, and despite thishigh price tag, the class is ex-pected to be closed out in thefirst thirty minutes of regis-tration. Since the news brokejust a few hours ago, theHolt administration’s phonelines have been jammed.

As a result, the adminis-tration was forced to call thephone company to come addfive hundred more lines tothe existing one hundredlines just to deal with peoplewho want to secure a spot inPresident Mandela’s humanrights course.

I know while you arereading this paper you arebanging your head againstthe wall and asking yourselfwhy you didn’t know of thenews earlier. Don’t worry! Ihave great news for you.

At the request of Mr.Mandela, the administrationmoves the registration datefor this particular class fivedays earlier.

As you must know stu-dents with 90 credits or more

and declaredmajor arescheduled toregister onApril 5, but for-get about thatdate for thehuman rightsclass. The ad-ministration inits attempt to beas fair as possi-ble to all stu-dents decides tonot only waivethis senor statusrequirement forearly registra-

tion but also moves the reg-istration date to Saturday,April 1, at 6 a.m.

The administration fore-sees a possible breakdown ofthe computer system as a re-sult of too many studentstrying to register at the sametime. It encourages studentsto call Student Services De-partment on April 1, andleave their names, R-cardnumbers, the exact time thatthey tried to register, and theproblem they got with thecomputer, and the automat-ed system will register allcallers. Technology!!!

To reward these stu-dents, the administrationpromises to guarantee thema spot in President Man-dela’s class. To make thing

even sweeter, the first 100students who register forthis course will get their tu-ition waived and a freeseven-day trip to Africa withthe President in his privatejet and stay at his luxurymansion in Pretoria, the cap-ital of South Africa.

During this trip, he willgive you students personaltour of Robben Island Prisonoff Cape Town where he wasincarcerated from 1964 to1982 and Pollsmoor Prisonwhere he was imprisonedfrom 1982 to 1990. Remem-ber, you must be among thefirst 100 students who regis-ter on April 1.

President Mandela’s con-tract to teach at the HoltSchool is only for the sum-mer, so if you miss it youmay never get this opportu-nity to learn from one of themost renowned humanrights leaders of the world.Don’t miss this once in a lifetime opportunity.

Besides earning yournormal three credits for thisclass, the President Mandelawill issue to all students aspecial certificate in humanrights.

This will definitely en-hance your chance in the jobmarket.

Don’t miss out. GoodLuck!

Jean Bernard Cherythe slantspur

Nelson Mandela, Hamilton Holt’sHuman Rights Professor Next Summer

One of the biggest com-plaints from college studentsis the rising costs of tuition.In a move that bucks thetrend of tuition increases,Rollins College will cut thecosts for its nontraditionalstudents. In the past fourconsecutive semesters,Hamilton Holt has seen asteady decline in its studentenrollment.

A comprehensive studyof former and present stu-dents target the rising tuitioncosts and the habitual feelingof disconnect from the

Rollins College community. Sense of family and com-

munity is one of the oft-citedreasons for attending a smallliberal arts college, but Holtstudents seem to have hadtheir fill of the second-classstatus.

Listing issues such as notbeing able to use the clinic,see other health officials andnot feeling as if clubs andother extracurricular activi-ties are open to them, sever-al Holt students have statedthis semester is their last.

One Holt freshman, whowishes to remain anony-mous stated, “I don’t feel likeit’s worth the money. I mightas well spend my first twoyears at Valencia and thencome here to complete mydegree.” She didn’t, howev-er, rule out the University ofCentral Florida as an option.“I have a friend who loves it

there. She attends the nightcourses, and there are actual-ly day students who are outat night before classes en-couraging them to get in-volved in the different clubsand activities.”

Said a Holt sophomore,“You would never see thathere. It’s like we don’t exist.”The long-standing gripewith Holt students has beenaddressed by numerousRollins officials, but as of yet,nothing has seemed tobridge the chasm betweenthe communities.

As more people praisethe value of community col-leges and Holt advisors sug-gest taking classes at com-munity colleges and trans-ferring those credits over,students can’t see paying$982 per course when UCF’scontinuing education pro-gram, Valencia and Seminole

community colleges offer thesame small class environ-ment at a fraction of the cost.

Valencia tuition costs areless than $195 per course,and an Associate’s degreefrom the college is acceptedat Rollins. The same is trueof Seminole CommunityCollege which boosts tuitioncosts of less than $160 percourse. Rollins officials arehoping to give Holt studentsan approximately $300 percourse.

Arts and Science stu-dents not happy. They feelit’s unfair and are left hold-ing the burden of financiallysupporting the school. “Holtstudents already pay such arelatively small amount toattend a great school likeRollins; I don’t know whatelse they want.” Said an Artsand Science sophomore whodidn’t want to be named, “I

think its great they get theRollins education at a con-siderable discount. It’s awinner both ways; a degreefrom Rollins and not nearlyall the debt.”

As far as Crummy Grad-uate Students and Holt Mas-ters Program students, theydon’t seem to feel the need toamalgamate with the rest ofthe campus. Probably be-cause they have experiencedthe college life at the under-graduate level; they seem tobe more concerned abouttheir responsibilities in theclassroom.

The new course prices of$584 will begin during theFall 2006 semester.

The Hamilton HoltSchool will start its promo-tion campaign on radio,print and television startingtomorrow, April 1.

Massive Tuition Break For StudentsIn an effort to

retain Students,Holt has decidedto cut tuition.

Tanisha Mathisthe slantspur


Dear Marian,I need help! Can you

provide me with some tipsto “ace” the interview?Mysterious GraduatingHolt Senior ‘06

Dear Mysterious Graduat-ing Senior,

Thanks for askingabout one of my favoritetopics! Here are five sim-ple ways to “stand outfrom the competition”!

A FEW DAYS BEFORETHE INTERVIEW, HAVEYOUR MOTHER CALLTHE EMPLOYER TOCONFIRM THE TIMEAND LOCATION.

This will send a strongmessage to the employ-er……..the message thatyou have significant familyties! This also allows momto evaluate the potentialemployer.

BE YOURSELF! It is important to show

the “real you” in the inter-view process.

Forget the earlier col-umn advice on “dressingfor success”. Whatever you would wearon a night on the town or atrip to the mall should befine.

After all, you certainlydo not want to create anyfalse expectations.

TALK ABOUT SALARYAS SOON AS POSSIBLE

Why waste your time ifyou cannot agree on thesalary?

I recommend bringingit up in the first five min-utes of the interview.

That way, you can boltif you do not agree on thenumber.

CRITICIZE AND BLAMEMake sure, when you

are answering questionsthat you lay the blamewhere it belongs.

Passed up for a promo-tion?

Let them know it wasbecause that you had anidiot for a boss.

Written up for poorperformance?

Talk about the unreal-istic expectations.

Whatever you do,make sure that you do notaccept responsibility.

USE YOUR CELLPHONE AS A TIMER

Prior to the interview,ask how long the sessionwill take.

Then, set your cellphone to ring at the appro-priate time.

While demonstratingyour time managementskills, it will also let theemployer know that theycannot “waste” your time.

This is an importantpre-employment messageto send.

Bonus!As a bonus, send a let-

ter to the interviewers rightafter the interview to tellthem how boring the inter-view was and include aproposal on how you aregoing to change the inter-viewing process after youget hired.

Make sure you tellthem that they were notasking the right questions.

Ask them how in theworld they have gotten totheir positions.

Suggest that they werenot competent enough toconduct the interview.

They will send yourletter to the CEO, who inturn will see your highlevel of intelligence andcall you in right away toimplement your proposal.

APRIL’S FOOLS DAYaside, make sure to sched-ule time soon to come intoCareer Services and prac-tice for the real thing be-fore using these tips! Playat your own risk if youdon’t!

Do you have a questionfor Marian? E-mail her [email protected] guarantees that allquestions will be respond-ed to individually or in thiscolumn.

HOLT NEWS 7

ALL ONE NEEDS TO DO TO

“ACE” A JOB INTERVIEW

MAR. 31, 2006· THE SLANTSPURVOL. 112 ISSUE 23

The administration ofthe Florida’s finest privateinstitution, Rollins College,has been fighting over theintention of the HamiltonHolt School, the school’sevening division, to becomean autonomous institutionfor many years.

Things has gotten out ofhands over the past fewweeks when Donald Trumphad openly expressed his in-terest in buying the HoltSchool and transforming itinto the “La Sorbonne” ofAmerica.

This had prompted Pres-ident Lewis Duncan tothreaten the Holt Schoolwith a possible invasion if itmoves forward with its inde-pendence’s proclamation.

Yes, that’s right, an inva-sion! Because the presidentdid not specify what kind ofinvasion he was referring toin his threat, the Holt admin-istration interpreted it as apossible invasion of privacywhich did not really botherthem, because according toone advisor who did notwant to be identified, is not a‘biggy’ considering that partof President Duncan secretservice staff job is eaves-dropping on faculty andstaff members.

The Holt School lead ne-gotiator, Ms. NeverGiveUp,stated that Mr. Duncan isfantasizing because he doesnot even have a Boy Scoutteam loyal to him.

When asked about thewell-trained and strong cam-pus security force at thePresident disposal, sheclaimed that the securitychief, Mr. Tough, had toldher that he will not send hismen to invade the HoltSchool, because he was dis-appointed to learn last yearthat President Duncan hadinherited his uncle’s DonutEmpire but never broughtthem some donuts despitethe fact that the presidentknew they were all formerpolice officers.

In order to buy out theSecurity Department, Presi-dent Duncan decided to takethe whole department on a

night out at a local DuncanDonut during the ChristmasBreak, leaving the campus towatch itself.

While they were chokingthemselves on free donutsand coffee, thieves ran-sacked dormitories aroundcampus and left with thou-sands in valuable goods.

Now when this possible‘split’ news got out, victimA&S students announcedthat they will support theHolt School. They said, if theinvasion plan were to go for-ward, they would start a riotwhile the Security Depart-ment would be concentrat-ing all its manpower and ar-tillery at the other side of theparking garage.

Ohhh... Snap! Theydon’t have any guns. Maybethey will use their brightflashlights to blind their ad-versaries. A riot by A&S stu-dents would make it impos-sible for the department topursue with its battle plan.

They also said they

would block any vessel fromharbor on the lake, as a re-sult would thwart any rein-forcement that may havecome from neighboring in-stitutions like the UCF policedepartment upon request ofPresident Duncan.

Finally, Duncan real-ized that he had no chancebut to cave in to the HoltSchool demand.

A few days ago, they hadreached an agreement whichapproved the transfer of theHolt School to DonaldTrump, who in turn namedSharon Carrier president ofthe new independent Hamil-ton Holt School.

The inauguration isscheduled for 4 a.m. this Sat-urday, April 1, 2006, on theTop floor of the parkinggarage. Why the top floor?

Because there will be somany people in attendance,it will be like a picnic typeevent where loud speakerswould be placed around thecity for everyone to hearTrump and Carrier’s procla-mations.

The Hamilton HoltSchool apologizes to all stu-dents and residents for theshort notice.

Despite the peacefultransfer and the contentmentexpressed by Winter Parkresidents in having a schoolwhich expected to be thenumber one school in thecountry at their door steps,they are very concernedwith the presence of a devel-oper like Donald Trump,who many see as a bloodsucking vampire.

Residents feared thatTrump will use the HamiltonHolt deal as a way to get hisfeet on the ground, but hisreal plan may be the com-plete transformation of thehistoric city of Winter Parkinto a “little New York city”with huge skyscrapers.

But one thing for sure isthat he will get rid of all thebricks from the streets ofWinter Park and replacethem with asphalt.

Many elderly residentshearing this proposition saidthey would give Trump thewhole city because withthose bricks they cannotdrive on Park Avenue with-out going to their chiroprac-tors the next day for backpain treatments.

By fear of not havingenough students attendingthe inauguration because oftime constraint, the adminis-tration decided to compen-sate those students whoshow up with a healthypackage which includes freetuition for their remainingtime at the Hamilton HoltSchool, a card with unlimit-ed purchasing power at theIrish Pub near campus, anykind of coffee combinationon campus, and also freepasses to local area nightclubs.

There will also be freefood and refreshments.

So Come and part of ahistory in the making!

As of April 1, HamiltonHolt School, No LongerPart of Rollins College

Jean Bernard Cherythe slantspur

“Mr. Duncan is fanta-sizing because he

does not have evena Boy Scout team

loyal to him.”

Ms. NeverGiveUpHolt Lead Negotiator

Sharon Carrier, Now Former dean of the Holt School,was selected to be the first president of the new inde-pendent Hamilton Holt institution.

In an unprecedentedmove, Rollins College hasannounced that its name willbe changed to HarvardSouth, profiting off the noto-riety achieved by the Cam-bridge, Massachusetts insti-tution. The name changecomes amidst new momen-tum for improving Rollins'academic image.

Under the new name,Rollins will have no formalties to the already existingHarvard which currently hasno plans to change its nameto Harvard North. Instead,the school will embark on thecreation and implementationof new programs and majorenvironmental changes tomore closely mirror legiti-mate northeastern academicinstitutions.

The Rollins College mis-sion statement, "Educatingfor global citizenship and re-sponsible leadership," is out.In its place, a new missionstatement, "Providing a legit-imate education for globaldomination and returns oninvestment through massivedonations."

The look of campus haschanged as well. Previouslyknown for Spanish mosscovered oaks, stucco-coveredMediterranean architecture,and majestic palm treesRollins has become a symbol

of Southern charm. HarvardSouth will feature extensiveuse of red brick buildings, firtrees, and occasional coat-ings of snow to offer a moretemperate northeastern feelto the Rollins climate.

The change to HarvardSouth closely mirrors theshifting goals of Rollins Col-lege toward a stable, aca-demic, and inherently morelegitimate environment.Rollins was a school onceknown for its parties, relaxedflip-flop wearing atmos-phere, and hand-holdinghuggy academics. The insti-tution found that these as-pects failed to translate intothe legitimacy and academicstability that fed motivationsof power seizure throughoutthe United States and world.

In order to accomplishthese goals, the name changewas deemed necessary as ameans of instant remedy tothe woes of the Rollinsimage. Gone are the days ofthe fun and sun party school,here are the days of an ad-vanced and forward thinkingbastion of higher learning.

In the new world ofRollins social life partyingand drinking have simplybeen renamed to “extracur-ricular activities” as a meansof boosting both student in-volvement numbers and in-stantly erasing the partyschool image.

No significant changes

will be made to thesubstance of curricu-lum, fearing the risk ofrevolt on the part offaculty, staff, and stu-dents. Instead, a policyof instant grade infla-tion has been put intoplace to raise GPAs andthus the appearance ofacademic achievement.Under the new policythe grade of C, D, and Fhave been eliminated.The grades of A and Bhave been maintained,with A being defined aspassing and B for fail-ing, although still car-rying the 3.00 weightwhen calculatingGPAs.

The appearance ofacademic achievementon the campus, in caseexternal review was totake place, will be ob-tained by addingAdderall to the school'swater and food sup-plies, ensuring a facadeof obsessive studious-ness in place of actual ac-ademic reform.

Finally, in place of Har-vard’s Ivy League, we havebanded with a group of sim-ilar schools including YaleSouth and Dartmouth South

into the Cannabis League asa means of obtaining grouplegitimacy.

These changes have beenlauded by alumni, students,staff, and faculty alike. It is

viewed as a triumph of pub-lic relations to have such asignificant impact on imageand legitimacy through thesimple change of an institu-tion's name.

Life&Times8


EDITOR: KARINA MC [email protected]

Rollins Renamed Harvard South Joshua Benesh

the slantspur


UNDER CONSTRUCTION: Eager to rename the college quickly,students did not want to wait for the official Harvard South sign.

All advertisements and classifieds arelegitimate advertisements.

In a recent unanimousdecision by SGA, it is now il-legal to not pop collars if onehappens to be wearing a col-lared shirt around campus.This new measure sparkedmuch protest amongst twocampus organizations:WPRK and Pinehurst.

A member of SGA, whoasked to not be named forfear of their car gettingkeyed and paint splashed allover, ("This happened to melast time I quoted for 'TheSandspur.' Bow down to mefor doing this again," saidthe member) said that thishad been in the works forsome time. "Certain Greeksand clubs kept on complain-ing that the campus was notunified enough," they said."So of course SGA put theiramazing minds together andcame up with this."

After hearing the news,WPRK 91.5 FM, the campusradio station, and PinehurstCottage, a residential house,started a week long protestthat involved picketing on

Mills Lawn without poppedcollars for three days,speeches in Dave's DownUnder shirtless, and turningthe pool into cherry Jell-O,after they threw all of theircollared shirts into the pool."It'll take weeks to get thestains out," said MarigoldFruitfly, a campus securitymember who was in chargeof halting the protests.

"We wrote up over 20people for the picketing,"said Fruitfly. "The collarswere not popped and theyhad to be written up."

The protests, however,did not spark any feelingsaround campus. Studentsbarely even stopped to lookat the starving DJ's and ac-tors from the campus organ-izations falling down on theground.

The newly-added lawn-services majors did notice,however, and successfullypushed the protesters off thelawn without touching it

themselves. Then they tookthe vegan hot dogs the pro-testers were grilling and fedit to the squirrels. After theprotesters were pushed offthe lawn, the lawn-servicesmajors cried over the smallcircle pressed into the grassby the picketers, saddenedby the cruelty to such beau-tiful grass.

When this daring "Sand-spur" reporter asked a mem-

ber of the administration fora quote, he only replied with"No comment," and did notconsent to his name being re-leased.

WPRK spokesmenHenry Jabberwocky waseager to talk. "This is rub-bish-exclamation point," heexclaimed. "Never in myeight years of being alivehave I ever heard anythinglike this-exclamation point.

People are supposed to befree to express themselves incollege, but instead they getwritten up for not-poppingtheir collars-exclamationpoint."

"I think it's great," saidAmanda Huginkis of the Ep-silon Alpha Tau Sigma EtaIota Tau Sorority.

LIFE&TIMES 9MAR 31, 2006· THE SLANTSPURVOL. 112 ISSUE 23

Popped Collars Spark Riot On Campus


ANTI-POPPING: Disgruntled students picket SGA’s recent legislation, citing popped-collars asa ridiculous measure for writing students up.

Recent SGAlegislation causesmajor controversyon campus.

Kelly McNoldythe slantspur

School’s Newest Millionaires

“We wrote up over20 people for the

picketing. The col-lars were notpopped...”

Marigold FruitflyCampus Security

A week ago the twonews editors of The Sand-spur went on their weeklygrocery store trip and as ajoke, the two bought a lot-tery ticket. They made a dealthat if they won anything,even one dollar, they wouldsplit the winnings equally.And then when the winningnumbers were announced itturned out the two editors,Nicole Fluet and RochelleSiegel, won the Florida lot-tery jackpot of $70 million.

Of course they kept theirpromise of splitting themoney and each will receiveabout $25 million after taxes.However, that $25 millionwill not come in one bigcheck but rather in smallerchecks over a period ofabout 20 years. The two edi-tors will be getting some

pretty big checks in the mailfor the next 20 years.

Nicole told The Sand-spur that she never watchesthe news, but stayed up latedoing her homework thenight the lottery numberswere announced andthought she was eitherdreaming or just overly ex-hausted. But after checkingover 20 times, she realizedshe held the winning ticket.

The newest millionairesof Rollins become the talk ofthe college and two of themost popular girls on cam-pus. Keeping the news quietis impossible to do on asmall campus like Rollins.

Both girls plan on stay-ing at Rollins and finishingup their schooling and haveno plans on taking time off.The future plans are tospend the summer over in

Europe touring the countriesof Italy, Greece, France, Eng-land, Sweden, Ireland andGermany, to name just a few.Rochelle is planning on buy-ing her own jet to make thelong trip overseas a bit morecomfortable for herself andinviting all of her guests tojoin her aboard and alongthe four week trip. Nicolewill be setting up a privatechauffeur service to takethem to each destination inEurope.

Once they return, Nicoleis going to begin construc-tion on her four bedroom,three bathroom weekendapartment near Disneywhich she will share withher boyfriend Dave. The twospend a lot of time at Disney,so the closer the better.

According to many, thebest thing to do when a per-son wins the lottery is to getaway from anyone who mayhave influence over you.Plan alone what you will dowith your own money anddo not worry about whatanyone else thinks. BothNicole and Rochelle have

planned on spending sometime out of town deciding onwhat they are going to dowith the money for the restof their lives and how muchof it they are going to save.

As of now, Nicole planson opening up a children'sbookstore in which she willcontact guest writers to stopby and do weekly readingfor local children. Rochelle'splans are to pursue a careerin journalism. With thisboost of income, the girlsmay have two feet in thedoor and be just one stepcloser to their dreams.

The best part of winningthe lottery is that they neverhave to struggle for money,and instead live their lives inthe ways they alwaysdreamed.

The Sandspur’sNews editors arethe most recentlottery winners!

Rochelle Siegelthe slantspur

COURTESY OF NICOLE FLUET

I QUIT!: The girls collect their winners, announcing that theyno longer near their jobs at The Sandspur.

Last week, all majornewspapers throughout theglobe announced owing anew owner has taken overthe land of fantasy andimagination for kids of allages: Disney. This spells anend to the companies trou-bles.

The new owner an-nounced to the press thatmajor positive changeswould be coming to the com-pany in the next few years,such as more rides, more

characters and newer inno-vations.

However, left out of theworld-wide press conferencewas that the happiest placeon Earth was actually pur-chased for his daughter forher nineteenth birthdaypresent. This was in additionto her own personal jet totransport her to the park at amoment's whim.

In celebration of hisdaughter's birthday, the newDisney owner celebratedwith an hour long gala offireworks and finger foodwithin the Magic Kingdom,

finished with a serenade byDisney's own Mickey andMinnie. The birthday girl, afreshman studying at ourown Rollins College, wasoverjoyed with her birthdaypresent, though was over-heard complaining abouthow for her eighteenth birth-day daddy bought her an is-land, and she had hoped thather next birthday presentwould be even more fabu-lous than last years.

Despite the festivities,Disney workers protestedoutside the kingdom's gates,arguing that the new parkrules were both unjust andunfair to those that work atthe park and to the type ofpeople that would now becoming to Orlando for vaca-tion.

One irate worker in par-ticular, Summer Smile, 27,expressed her displeasure atthe takeover. "I haven't spentthe last decade working tomake children happy to justbe employed by one ofthem."

Although not present atthe initial press meeting, the-new owner announced a listof new rules in order to enterthe parks, similar to the rulesthat Walt Disney had at firstinitiated with Disneyland inCalifornia, though with amodern twist.

The new possessor ofDisney declared that inorder to enter the park, plaidshorts and polo shirts wererequired for men over theage of thirteen. Popped col-lars are optional, thoughpreferred.

Ladies are required towear their nicer clothes, forexample the mini-skirts thatare so frequented to class onthe Rollins College campus.

In addition to the newentry rules, the presidentalso introduced his plan tophase out the old-schoolMickey emblem that has forso long represented thecharm of Disney, and insteadreplacing it with a picture ofhis daughter.

To further enhance thenew Disney experience,valet parking is available atthe front of the park forthose who wish to use it. Ad-ditionally, pools will beavailable to suntan, and mar-garita bars will be imple-mented over the next fiveyears.

This is all in the attemptto make Disney appeal moreto the older generation,rather than to the children ithas been up to this point.

Celebration will be usedas a great spring break loca-tion for allthe Rollinss t u d e n t s ,who if theychoose toparty there,will gainfree en-trance intothe parksand thebeer gar-d e n s ,where theywill beserving aselection ofN a t u r a lIce, Franzia and some mix-ture called "Jungle Juice."

Ticket prices remain thesame, though if you showyour Rollins I.D. you will re-

ceive a discount, and if youpresent your sorority/frater-

nity mem-b e r s h i pcard, youwill receivean evenbetter dis-count, de-pending onthe sororitythat hisd a u g h t e renters intothis spring.

So, al-t h o u g hDisney ischanging,for Rolly

Colly it looks like an exten-sion of the Country Club somany call home.

10 &LifeTHE SLANTSPUR· MAR. 31, 2006


Kelsey Fieldthe slantspur

COURTESY OF WDWNEWS.COM

BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION: What a better way to celebrate anineteenth birthday than at your own Disney castle?


NEW DISNEY FAMILY: The lucky girl who will soon replaceMickey Mouse as the park’s world-wide symbol.

“I haven'tspent the last

decade workingto make childrenhappy to just be

employed byone of them!”

- SUMMER SMILEIRATE DISNEY EMPLOYEE

Spending an authenticIrish night at Fiddler's is oneof the most popular studentactivities. Ask any Rollinsstudent what the numberone nightly destination is,and the answer will be Fid-dler's. Students have askedin the past why Fiddler'scannot be added to the mealplan, but Rollins alwaysseemed to dismiss the idea,until recently.

Finally after many dis-cussions dealing with stu-dent meal plans, Rollins fac-ulty has decided to add Fid-dler's to the meal plan. Eachnight Rollins students spendgreat amounts of money atthe Irish Pub, so startingnext semester, instead ofstudents having to use the

money out of their ownpockets or their daddy'scredit cards, they will beable to simply swipe their R-Card at the popular IrishPub.

S t a r t -ing eachy e a rRollins stu-dents re-c e i v e$1,500 tobuy foodin Beans,the C-S t o r e ,D a v e ' sD o w n u n -d e r ,D i a n e ' sCafé andDominos,but nextyear stu-dents willreceive anextra $500 in their food planto pay for the costs of Fid-dler's.

It is always towards themiddle of the semester thatstudents begin complaining

about how tired they are ofthe random cafeteria food orthe unhealthy Dave's Dow-nunder food, and honestly,there really is not a lot of va-riety.

I n -stead ofc h o o s -ing toe a ts o m ec o l dp i z z a ,randomc a f e t e -ria food,o rg r e a s yg r i l l ef o o d ,s t u -d e n t swill beable toc h o o s ef r o m

corned beef and cabbage,fish and chips, shepherdspie or barbeque Guinnesswings.

It was easy to persuadeFiddler's to allow Rollins to

add them to the studentsmeal plans. They werehappy to allow students toswipe their R-Cards to payfor meals. It makes sense,considering Fiddler's is soclose the Rollins campus. Itis almost as convenient asgoing to Beans. Fiddler's ishappy to expand the hori-zons of Rollins students.

When students heardthe news that their foodplans will soon include Fid-

dler's, they were thrilled.Sophomore Erica Hart said,“I will probably be at Fid-dler's every night,” and shefeels that Fiddler's beingadded to the meal plan is“one of the best decisions

the administration has madein my two years at theschool.”

The next project is forRollins to put Panera andCheesecake Factory on thefood plan, considering thoseare also very popular restau-rants for students. The prob-lem the school sees with al-lowing too many restau-rants to be on the meal planis that students will nolonger eat on campus. But

also, giving students moreoptions is what Rollins fac-ulty would like to do.Rollins is only looking outfor the interests of the stu-dents in the end.

11&TimesVOL. 112 ISSUE 23

All advertisements and classifieds are legitimate advertisements, unlike everything else.

Beer Bucks!Fiddler's joins

Domino's in off-campus diningoptions with theR-card



GOOD PLAN: The meal plan finally includes a place stu-dents might actually want to eat at.

“I will probablybe at Fiddler’s

every night!” Thisis “one of the

best decisions theadministrationhas made in mytwo years at the

school!”- ERICA HARTCLASS OF 2008

Arts&EntertainmentArts&Entertainment12


EDITOR: LARA BUESO [email protected]

The Slantspur Editor-in-Chief, Joshua Louis Benash III,was arrested last Friday nightfor money laundering and em-bezzlement. Authorities say thatthe total amount of money isaround twenty thousand, thesame size of the organization'sbudget deficit.

Investigators on the case saythe reason for his theft was tohelp fund his new band, calledThe Proverbials and the releaseof their demo tape, which in-cludes their possible hit single,Big Mouse on Campus. Investi-gators found in Mr. Benash's of-fice and dorm room, which iswallpapered with UniversalStudios posters, boxes full ofThe Proverbials' demo tapes en-titled "Go to Your Office," whichfeatures Big Mouse on Campus.Also in the boxes were memora-bilia including hats and t-shirts.

The amount of the demotapes and memorabilia foundcannot be explained by thesalary of The Editor-in-Chief of

such a small school newspaper.When asked head investigatorfor the Winter Park Police De-partment Captain Teneille com-mented, "He obviously has anunhealthy love for UniversalStudios, and he should feelashamed of himself for stealingthe non-existent funds of thestudent newspaper."

Mr. Benash could not bereached for comment, but mem-bers of his posse, who exalt himwith the epithet "Oshkosh Be-nash," said, "The fascists are try-ing to destroy our freedom ofexpression by arresting Oshy.These so-called cops need toread the Declaration of Indepen-dence."

Throngs of supporters wereprotesting outside the countyjail where Mr. Benash is beingheld awaiting arraignment. Pro-testors yelled, "Save White-bread, free Oshy." Unfortunate-ly, their efforts went largely un-noticed by the prison popula-tion since the large wall sur-rounding the jail blocked theprotesters from view, and theirshouts could not be heard in-

side. Questions have arisen con-cerning Mr. Benash's moralesince he has been held in solitaryconfinement.

The Proverbials have beensaddened by the arrest of theirlead singer and do not knowwhat will happen to the cross-dressing punk rock band. With-out their front man, their sourceof laundered funds has driedup, and the fate of "Go to YourOffice" is now in question.Members of the band were heldfor questioning by Winter ParkPD, but were released when, asCaptain Teneille said, "Theywere too stupid to have helpedtheir front man, and are of nouse to the investigation."

Authorities would neverhave been tipped off to the factthat Mr. Benash had been laun-dering and embezzling moneyfrom The Slantspur had he notwalked out of the bank withmoney stuffed inside and fallingout of his pockets in the sight ofother newspaper staff whocalled the police with their sus-picions.

Slantspur Editor Found Guilty ofMoney LaunderingBrett Heiney and friends

the slantspur

Look for these hot new items at the Bookstore...

KHAMPHA BOUAPHANH / KRT Campus

ARTS&ENTERTAINMENT 13MAR. 31, 2006· THE SLANTSPURVOL. 112 ISSUE 23


Kristin Cavallari, knownbest for her role on the MTVreality series "LagunaBeach," has been spottedchecking out the RollinsCollege campus as she getsready to settle down inFlorida.

Living in Laguna Beachgot a little bit tiring and oldfor Kristin. In addition, shealso decided it was time tofocus on her future, so aftershooting the last season ofthe show "Laguna Beach,"graduating high school, andbreaking up with her one ofmany boyfriends, shepacked up and moved awayfrom the limelight.

When looking for a col-lege, Rollins seemed like theperfect choice for Kristin,considering her brotherMike is an alum. She alsowill have no problem fittingin with the drama of Rollins,as she is from Laguna Beachwhere the drama is ten timesworse than at Rollins.

But Kristin is ready tosettle down and focus moreon her academic studies.

As a result of the popu-larity of the "real-life" ver-sion of "The O.C.," 2005seemed to be Kristin's year.

She appeared on thefront cover of the October2005 edition of Seventeenmagazine, she appeared on a

number of talk shows suchas Jimmy Kimmel Live, Livewith Regis and Kelly andLast Call with Carson Dalyand she made an appearanceat award shows such as TheStuff Style Awards and MTVMovie Awards. It was at theVH1 Big In '05 Awards thatKristin was named one ofHollywood's hottest starsafter being nominated forthe "Biggest It Girl of theYear."

After rumors of her andNick Lachey becoming acouple leaked into the press,the best thing for the formerparty girl is to disappearfrom the media for a littlewhile.

Her mother insisted thatshe come live in Chicago andattend school there, but thestrong-willed and assertiveCavallari had her heart seton Florida.

Like many other celebri-ties Kristin has become a tar-get to the paparazzi. Rollinsstudents will probably wit-ness cameras followingCavallari around campus asshe walks from class to class.And if rumors are true, lookout for Nick Lachey walkingaround campus too.

Kristin has not yet decid-ed what to focus her studieson, but is interested in pur-suing an acting career andpossibly becoming a mem-ber of the drama depart-ment. Students may soon beable to check her out at theAnnie Russell Theatre.

Although she will benew on campus, she willhave no trouble makingfriends considering she wasa member of the populargroup in her high school.

Additionally, her communi-cation skills and appearancealso will not hold her back.

Kristin is ready to proveto everyone that she is morethan just a ditzy blonde girllooking for all the hot par-ties. Rather, she is highlyintelligent student who can

make the honor roll at one ofthe country's most distin-guished private colleges.

Giving up the shopping,beaches and boys of Lagunamay seem like somethingimpossible for Cavalleri, butshe is determined to makeherself known in the aca-

demic world also. Maybethe next MTV reality showwill be filmed on the RollinsCollege campus and becalled "Rolly Colly CountryClub."

Laguna Beach’s Kristin Attends Rollins


REALITY STAR AT ROLLINS: Sibling of Rollins alum, Kristin Cavallari, plans to leave Lagunaand continue her acting career in the Rollins theater department.


Sudoku Fill in the grid sothat every row,

every column, and

every 3x3 box contains the dig-its 1 through 9.

Rating:Gentle

Laguna’s KristinCavallari decidesto transfer toRollins and willstart Fall 2006.

1

69 4

2

7

3

17 2

59

3

4

5

8

ARTS&ENTERTAINMENT14 THE SLANTSPUR· MAR. 31, 2006 VOL. 112 ISSUE 23


ACE announced thisweek that following the suc-cess of Nappy Roots duringthe 2003-2004 school year,they have reached an agree-ment with Bad Boy Enter-tainment to bring P.Diddyand his new band to RollinsCollege. The concert datewill be announced in thenext coming weeks, willshowcase both Rollins' upand coming hip hop artistsand dancers, followed by ablow out performance by thegirl group and a motivation-al speech by P. Diddy him-self about building an em-pire, and then a performanceby the owner himself, SeanCombs.

Excitement has definite-ly been brewing aroundcampus for the last few days,

as news of the concert hasspread throughout the stu-dent body and the faculty.Although sponsored byACE, other campus organi-zations will be coming to-gether to make this concertas great and well attended asthe Nappy Roots concert. Al-though ACE had conversa-tions with both Kanye Westand Lauren Hill to come singat the college campus, P.Diddy seemed to have thebroader fan appeal amongthe student population.

In an attempt to bring upstudent representation at thecollege, ACE has teamed upwith SGA for a weeklong cel-ebration of the tour, stop-ping at Rollins College. Cel-ebrations include rap offs,guess that Bad Boy, andother fun activities, whichwill be presented by thenewly elected SGA president

and vice president, who willhave gift certificates toplaces down Park Ave. andCD's donated by Bad Boyentertainment. P.Diddy willbe rolling in at the end of theweek on Friday, landing hisjet brigade in the middle ofMills Lawn. Meanwhile abus will pull up to the gym,in order to begin set up withthe girl group and to get toknow the bouncers, ensuringeverything runs smoothly.

The girl group, as seenon the MTV show Makingthe Band, will be signing au-tographs and announcingthe name of their group,both before and after theconcert. Although photogra-phy is forbidden under thepenalty of death (otherwiseknown as P. Diddy's securityguards) you will be able tobuy pictures of both the girlgroup and P. Diddy together,for a steal of a deal of $15. Al-though P. Diddy will not besigning the picture, his auto-graph has been convenientlylocated on the top left cornerin a realistic black pen color.Proceeds of the pictures willbe split between the SGAfund and P. Diddy's retire-ment fund.

ACE requests that thoseattending the concert comedressed in white, in an at-tempt to replicate the whiteparty P. Diddy throws annu-ally. Although gold chains

will be tolerated, silver orwhite gold chains accompa-nying your bling are pre-ferred in honor of the whitedress code, which includes

shoes and other accessories.Grills are accepted, thoughbe sure to deck them outwith your best P. Diddy sup-port.

P. Diddy Scheduled to Play at RollinsKelsey Fieldthe slantspur

Rollins, Do WeKnow?

LIONEL HAHN / KRT Campus

KELLY MCNOLDY & DANI PICARD / The Slantspur (illustration)

DIDDY SIGHTING: Due to recent support from the Rollinsalumni, they have sponsored a Diddy concert to be held for allstudents to promote voting for SGA elections.

Kelly McNoldythe sandspur

Welcome to the UnitedStates of Bush (USB)!What a wonderful changehas taken place in thiscountry since Presidentfor Life George W. Bush Ihas taken control as mili-tary dictator. The worldwill surely become theGeorge Bush haven sincehe now has absolutepower over our great na-tion.

Many were concernedabout the implications forour great nation, but theirfears seem to have beenunfounded. Our civilrights and liberties havebeen maintained at a levelappropriate for citizensbeing ruled so fairly bysuch an intelligent andgracious leader as GeorgeI. The extra securitymeasures and increasedsurveillance only betterensures our safety.

If one is not commit-ting crimes, are not par-taking in illegal activities,then there is no reason toobject from having thegovernment watch us asgood parental figuresshould. I know I havenothing to fear from mygracious governmentwatching what I do.

Even as I write this,Agents of the State arehere helping me to makesure my facts are correctand that I use proper lan-guage. Some claim thatthese new Agents of theState are a coercive force,but they are only protect-ing us and our illustriousleader. We have nothingto fear from them.

Now that George I hasassumed absolute powerwe will never again bethreatened by terrorists orrogue nations. George Iby increasing securitymeasures and surveil-lance has been able to ar-rest and execute threehundred USB citizenswho were collaboratingwith Iran, Al Qaeda, andJacques Chirac, and worstof all the Palestinians.

With war on ourdoorstep, George I willcleanse the planet of evildoers and those whowould see our great civi-lization die in a fiery hail-storm. Jacques Chirac,Iran, Al Qaeda, and thePalestinians shall pay fortheir impudence. Theythreatened us with vio-lence and the best way tominimize the deaths ofUSB military personneland civilians is to make apreemptive strike whileour enemies are unpre-pared.

Some have accusedour gracious PresidentGeorge I of being a “warhawk” or of “war mon-gering,” but nothingcould be farther from thetruth. George I wants tolead our great nation tovictory by striking ourenemy before they can ad-equately defend them-selves. Victory is not aquestion of if but ofwhen, and with the aid ofGeorge I’s Grand Coali-tion that includes SaudiArabia, Libya, China,Russia, Poland, Monaco,Indonesia, and the newlyformed kingdom of Korealead by Jong Il-Kim, theson of Kim Jong-Il.

While victory over

evil is won abroad withthe help of George I’sGrand Coalition, the newHead of National SecurityRichard Cheney is hard atwork defeating evil on thehome front. Acknowledg-ing that George W. Bushwould rule much longerthan Cheney would livewith such health condi-tions, he graciouslystepped down as vicepresident to head up thenewly formed Bureau ofNational Security. TheAgents of the State, whomMr. Cheney commands,have spread throughoutthis nation protecting thegovernment and citizenswith a firm hand.

Mercy is shown tothose who deserve it andwe are all lucky that onlythose truly guilty ofcrimes against the statehave been punished.

George I has implimenteda fair and impartial crimi-nal justice system that ri-vals only Northern Ire-land’s Diplock Courts innumber of truly evil peo-ple convicted.

With Karl Rove takingover as George I’s Secondin Command, things arelooking up for the USB.General Rove’s personalmorals and strict code ofethics will only help toadd to the wonderfullyperfect nation in whichwe now find ourselves.Only a man of such moralfibre could improve thegreat job our leadership isdoing.

The only regret any-one has in this transitionis that of the unfortunateincarceration of formerSecretary of State Con-doleeza Rice. Her sadstory of misguided loyal-

ty in the the concept ofthe United States ofAmerica necessitated herremoval from office.

All should rejoice atthe advent of the UnitedStates of Bush. We havenever been in such a posi-tion of power, safety, andmoral righteousness inthe two hundred and thir-ty year history of thiscountry. As long as we re-main faithful to George Iand the laws of this landthere will be nothing tofear from our new over-lord.

Brett Heiney is a PoliticalScience major and an AsianStudies minor in the Schoolof Arts and Sciences

T H E S T U D E N T V O I C E O F R O L L I N S C O L L E G E S I N C E 1 8 9 4

OpinionsTHE SLANTSPUR

15

DISCLAIMER: THE VIEWS EXPRESSED WITHIN THE OPINIONS SECTION ARE ENTIRELY THE OPINIONS OF THE INDIVIDUAL AUTHORS, AND DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECTTHE VIEWS OF THE SANDSPUR STAFF OR ROLLINS COLLEGE. PLEASE ADDRESS ANY COMMENTS, OPINIONS, RANTS, OR RAVES TO [email protected].

MARCH 31, 2006VOLUME 112, ISSUE 23 1000 Holt Avenue - 2742

Winter Park, FL 32789Phone: (407) 646-2696Fax: (407) 628-6349e-mail: [email protected]: 0035-7936

SECTION EDITORS COPY EDITORSTOM TRASENTE

HEATHER WILLIAMS

JULIA JACKSONNEWS ........................................NICOLE FLUET

HOLT NEWS ...............................JEAN B. CHERY

LIFE&TIMES. ........................KARINA MCCABE

A&E.............................................LARA BUESO

OPINIONS ....................................BRETT HIENEY

SPORTS ..............................ANGELA GONZALEZ

VOL. 112 ISSUE 23

EDITOR: BRETT [email protected]

Joshua BeneshEditor-in-Chief

John FerreiraManaging Editor

Dani PicardProduction Manager

Mark BartschiBusiness Manager C

ON

TAC

TU

S

ESTABLISHED IN 1894 WITH THE FOLLOWING EDITORIAL:“Unassuming yet almighty, sharp, and pointed, well rounded yet many-sided, assiduously tenacious, victorious in single combat and therefore without a peer,

wonderfully attractive and extensive in circulation; all these will be found upon investigation to be among the extraordinary qualities of The Sandspur.”

PRODUCTION ASSTSONLINE PRODUCTION ASST......KELLY MCNOLDY

Advisor...........Kelly Russ

ASST SECTION EDITORS

NEWS...................................ROCHELLE SIEGEL

HOLT NEWS..........................TANISHA MATHIS

LIFE&TIMES..................................KELSEY FIELD

A&E ...........................................JESSICA ESTES

Sports ........................................JUAN BERNALPHOTOGRAPHERS

Topic: April Fool’s Day Fun

MORGEN CULVERRYAN WALLS

BRANDY VANDERWERKEN

Lauding Our Gracious President for Life: BushGeorge I has only been President for Life for four months and already our nation has reached new heights.

Brett Heineythe slantspur

America is having an oilshortage, and an oil shortagemeans that there is a short-age of oil. That means thatAmerica has no oil. Thatmeans America could reallyuse some oil right about nowbecause America likes oil.So why not drill in our ownland and stop using foreignoil? I know the perfect place- the Arctic National WildlifeRefuge, more commonlyknown as ANWR.

ANWR spreads over 19.6million acres in northernAlaska. Eight million ofthose acres belong to thewildlife. And 1.5 millionacres are the designateddrilling area. ANWR wasfounded in 1960 by Presi-dent Eisenhower and addedonto in 1980 by PresidentCarter. It is the habitat ofsome 45 mammal speciesand 180 plus species of birds.

But the most important partof ANWR? The 10.4 billionbarrels of technically recov-erable oil. Not bad.

There are many reasonswhy we should drill for oil inANWR, one being that it willhelp the economy in moreways than one. Many envi-ronmentalists that areagainst the provision saythat it's not the actualdrilling of oil that will hurtthe 1.5 million acres of pris-tine wildlife refuge, but theinfrastructure that goes withit. I beg to differ. The bene-fits far outweigh the risksconcerning the infrastruc-ture because not only willthis infrastructure createmore jobs but it will boostthe economy as well. Lookat it this way:

-Research needs to beconducted and finished be-fore the drilling can begin.

-The newer, cleanermethods of drilling for oilwill not hurt the environ-ment at all. Also, these new

methods still need to be fi-nalized and the machinerybuilt.

-The supplies to buildthe roads, airports, docksand buildings need to bemade.

-The supplies to buildthe roads, airports, docksand buildings need to beshipped to Alaska.

-The supplies to buildthe roads, airports, docksand buildings need to bebuilt into the roads, airports,docks and buildings.

-People need to be hiredto do all of the above men-tioned and to occupy theroads, airports, docks andbuildings.

-People need to be hiredto actually work the oilfields.

All of this means morejobs for people which meansa better economy.

Also, the actual drillingfor oil in ANWR is not asdamaging as environmental-ists believe. Because of the

newer, cleaner methods ofdrilling for oil, spillage is alot less likely and the harm itcould cause is minimal tonone.

Another perk of drillingfor oil is specifically for theAlaskans. Many Alaskansare supportive of the drillingbecause they receive part ofthe profits from the sales ofthe estimated 10.4 billionbarrels of oil available alongthe coastal plain. And be-cause the population of Alas-ka is so small, that meansmore money for each person- even the children. So donot be surprised if I end upin Alaska sometime in thenear future.

Yet another worry thatmany environmentalistshave concerns the PorcupineCaribou Herd, which is thelivelihood of the Gwich'nTribe. However, science hasshown that evolution is tak-ing place far faster, and sothe caribou will mostly like-ly adapt faster to the

changes, which will not besudden but gradual, andtherefore still be able to sur-vive. Man, however, is an-other story, considering howstubborn he is.

Although it may take tenyears to extract the oil fromthe refuge, the wait will bewell worth it. Gas pricescould easily lower once theoil is drilled. And even if theoil does not make it to Amer-ica but to overseas, which isyet another concern of envi-ronmentalists, America willstill be feeling the benefits ofdrilling for oil through itseconomy.

Drilling for oil in ANWRis actually a great idea, eventhough I said that it was notbefore. However, peoplechange their minds, as Ihope all of those crazy envi-ronmentalists will do too.

Kelly McNoldy is a first yearArts & Sciences student fromPhoenix, AZ.

I have found that myentire life has been spentin vain. My beliefs, myideals, my values. Theyhave all been focused onthe wrong side of thespectrum.

I have supported thatRepublican Party for mywhole life - until now. Anew candidate from theDemocratic Party hasarisen, and it is the bestcandidate by far that theparty has had in years. Itis a candidate far strongerthan any Democrat on thepresidential ballot indecades.

Who is this candidate,you ask? Who could pos-sibly warrant such achange of heart? Whowould possibly changethe mind of the die hardfollower of the ChristianRight?

It is a candidate thatwe already know andlove. It is a candidate whois familiar to us. It is acandidate that may be asurprise but, when itcomes down to it, fullyAmerican in every way.

It is none other thanour good friend the toast-er. We are all comfortablewith this candidate. We

have breakfast with himevery morning. He shareswith us our good timesand bad over a steamingcup of coffee and the Eng-lish muffin that he him-self created.

He is a strong candi-date. With an exterior ofstainless steel and a burn-ing desire in his heart, hewill bring about change inour nation. He will standtall despite his shortstature and provide asolid backbone for ourfair country.

Toaster also has amuch stronger moralcharacter than those ofpast Democratic candi-dates: being involvedwith scandals, affairs,corruption, perjury andother serious events ofunlawfulness.

With Toaster, there isno need to worry aboutanything of the sort. Asan inanimate object,Toaster does not have thepower to make unlawfuldecisions. He does nothave the ability to furtherdestroy the moral fiber ofthis nation. He is the can-didate with the kind ofmoral outlook that weneed in this nation-indif-ference, because withoutany action at all, at leastthere is nothing more thathe can do to harm our

country. Toaster will never

waste your time withmeaningless pageantry.He will never make long,boring speeches becausehe cannot speak. He willnever waste his time mak-ing pointless public ap-pearances because he can-not move. He will be a be-hind the scenes president.He will be the quiet onewith the electrifying spir-it - due mostly to his at-tachment to the wall out-let. He will work with ef-

ficiency in the placeswhere it really matters-the oval office, the situa-tion room, and, of course,the kitchen of the privateresidences in the WhiteHouse.

The Democratic Partyhas put up some formida-ble candidates in the past.Jimmy Carter, Al Gore,John Kerry and that guythat Reagan beat, to namea few. But never have theyput up a candidate asstrong as this one.

I am willing to forfeit

my previous party affilia-tion to follow Toaster. Ifthe Democratic Party canmake such an improve-ment in their choice for acandidate, that is the kindof innovation that I wantto follow.

Jami Furo is a Music Majorin the School of Arts andSciences.

OPINIONS16 THE SLANTSPUR· MAR. 31, 2006 VOL. 112 ISSUE 23

Feeding Our Oil Thirst: Drilling Starts in ANWRThe rich oil reservoirs in ANWR are finally being tapped to satiate America’s need for black gold.

Democrats Say in Unison: Yeah Toaster!!!A change of heart comes from the new Democratic platform and their new candidate.

Jami Furothe slantspur

Kelly McNoldythe slantspur

Most people at thisschool do not pay attentionto the events that occursouth of the Mexican border.That is all that Latin Ameri-ca really is to most Ameri-cans, they are dirty peopleattempting to cross the bor-der to the "land of the freeand the home of the brave."Many Americans see LatinAmerica as a parasite thatresides on the side of theUnited States, while all thatreally matters in the world isEurope and Japan.

A true revolution isbrewing in one of the coun-tries in Latin America andAmericans should take note.Some great Americans likeHarry Belafonte, CornelWest, and Jesse Jackson haveseen first hand the greatstrides being made in nationof Venezuela. Although ittook centuries of oppres-sion, the people ofVenezuela have finally elect-

ed a leader who truly caresabout the people and isfighting the capitalist pigdogs that have stepped onthe throat of the masses fortoo long.

For far too long the oilwealth of the nation ofVenezuela was held in thehands of a few, fat-cat bu-reaucrats. Since HugoChavez has been in power,the oil wealth has beengiven to the people who re-ally deserve the masses.That is why the rich inVenezuela are conspiringagainst the great leaderChavez, because they nolonger get special treatmentfrom the government. Theoligarchy is working non-stop in the shadows with theevil Central IntelligenceAgency of this country. TheUnited States, being an evilimperialist nation that caresnothing about democracyand the good of the foreignmasses, is upset that a LatinAmerican nation is finallyrising to power. They are

also upset that the oil thatthey cherish so much is dan-ger. The United States onlycares about oil in its foreignpolicy.

Hugo Chavez has finallygiven the poor what theyneed, cheap food andhealthcare. He has broughtthe best of Cuban doctors toVenezuela. So while thereare no Cuban doctors inCuba, there are plenty of thein Venezuela. Chavez needsto push further though, heneeds to take the holdings ofAmerican corporations inVenezuela, because obvious-ly the geographic location ofa business determines theownership. It doesn't matterthat American corporationsare the ones that created thetechnology and then invest-ed tons of money to developthe industry. It is the easiestway to redistribute wealth,because you are takingmoney away from the rich-est nation in the world andgiving to the poor, who real-ly deserve the wealth.

As for the rich ofVenezuela, all of theirmoney should be takenaway and given to the poor,equally distributing wealthfor the first time in history.The only people allowed tohave wealth in the nationare the leaders of course,like Chavez. He does nothave to give up his palatialsetting at Miraflores. In factit is good that Chavez iskeeping himself in powerfor decades and decades. Heshould be president for life,for he is only one who canmake the country work. Itdoes not matter that he ismanipulating elections withthe use of electoral council;it is justified because the oli-garchs of the country usedto do it before. Democracyonly matters when the re-sults are good, and electionsonly matter if the right can-didate wins. In the case ofVenezuela the best candi-date is and always will beHugo Chavez. So as long asthe Bolivarian Revolution

continues and the results aregood for the people democ-racy can be overlooked. Inthis case when I say "the willof the people" I mean thewill of the only people whocount, the poor of the coun-try, because rich people donot count. Rich people areonly rich because they havegotten big inheritances andwere born into wealth. Ifnot, then they made theirmoney at some point by op-pressing the workers of thecountry. There are no goodrich people, because they areonly looking for one thing,to keep their money andpower.

The United States woulddo well to emulate Chavez.It is disgusting how un-equally wealth is distributedin this nation. The poor ofAmerica, even though theyare the richest poor peopleof world, need to bewatched over and taken of,because they cannot takecare of themselves.

OPINIONS 17MAR. 31, 2006· THE SLANTSPURVOL. 112 ISSUE 23

All advertisements and classifieds are legitimate advertisements, unlike everything else

Why the Bolivarian Revolution is GreatHugo Chavez is changing Venezeula and America should follow.

Next Topic: The Bush Administration

John Ferreirathe slantspur

The Athletics Depart-ment announced this weekin the weekly release a num-ber of changes to occur be-fore next semester.

Rollins Director of Ath-letics Pennie Parker recentlyannounced the promotion ofWinston Short, affectionate-ly known as Winnie byfriends, to Assistant Directorof Athletics. He will remainin charge of general

groundskeeping as well asassuming the role of Assis-tant Director of Facility Op-erations.

Short has been a part ofRollins Athletics for justunder a decade as the headgroundskeeper of baseball'sHarper Shepherd Field andsoccer's Cahall-SandspurField. For his commitment tothe Rollins Athletics pro-gram, baseball especially, heis known as the tenth manon the baseball team. Mr.Short helped lead the 2004baseball team to their seat inthe College World Series. His

dedication to the upkeep ofRollins' fields will continueto insure the safety of all theathletes that compete uponthem.

Winnie's office is locatedSplinter City, situated in thesouthwest corner of the Al-fond Baseball Stadium.There will be a formal cere-mony held for Mr. Short atPR's Taco Palace after he getsall the equipment put awayat the field after the game.Margaritas will be served.

Rollins' mascot, the Fox,

will be looking for a new jobsoon. Sports Information Di-rector, Nate Weyant has sub-mitted a proposal to changefrom the Rollins Tars to theRollins Buckeyes. Director ofAthletics, Pennie Parker iscurrently reviewing his pro-posal along with the mem-bers of the Rollins BoosterClub.

Confidential sources sayWeyant presented somestrong arguments in favor ofchanging the mascot that aresure to swing the committeeinto agreement with him. InWeyant's proposal, he out-

lines that although buckeyetrees are not the state tree ofFlorida like they are in Ohio,a buckeye would be moreappropriate for Rollins be-cause Ohioans always mi-grate to Florida in massesand Brutus Buckeye appearsto be wearing a polo shirt.

In addition to altering allRollins Athletics logos tomimic Ohio State's, Brutuswill be slightly made over inorder to better fit the Rollinspopulation. Instead of Bru-tus Buckeye, he will be re-ferred to by his full name,Brutus Buckeye Smith III. Hewill also sport a popped col-lar, a Ralph Lauren logo onhis jersey and will show upat only important gamesduring the end of the seasoncompletely inebriated andyelling taunts that don'tmake any sense.

Finally in baseball news,Rollins Pitching Coach, RobSitz will have his jersey re-tired this year. Sitz, a RollinsCollege graduate himself, iscurrently in his fourth sea-son as an assistant coach atRollins. He becomes only thethird player to have his jer-sey retired in Rollins history.His #24 jersey will join thelikes of Joe Justice (1) andBoyd Coffie (25) on the out-field wall at Alfond Stadium.

Coming from humblebeginnings at Lake BrantleyHigh School, Sitz joined theteam in 1999 as a pitcher. Be-fore his Rollins career fin-ished in 2002, Sitz earnedfirst team all-SSC honors hissenior year while posting a9-5 record and 2.49 earnedrun average. He also record-ed 86 strikeouts and only 14walks. Sitz's overall record atRollins was 26-17 and with a3.75 earned run average. Heis ranked fourth in schoolhistory with 298 strikeoutsand eighth in total victories.

Although his career atRollins is short in compari-son to Rollins other retirees,his contributions to the base-ball team will stand the test

of time. Last season, hispitching staff was the Sun-shine State Conference's sec-ond best with an ERA of3.69. This season's pitchingstaff is currently rankedthe best pitchingstaff in the Sun-shine StateConferencewith ERAof 3.14.One ofhis jun-ior pitch-ers, JonWano isr a n k e dsecond inthe SunshineState Conferencewith an ERA of 1.60,a mere .03 away from firstand also holds first for leastearned runs allowed witheight for the season. SeniorEduardo Chile is first in totalinnings pitched and fourthin the conference for strike-outs. Three of Sitz pitchersare in the top four for least

number of walks allowed. At the next Rollins home

game, the Tars will honortheir beloved pitching coachwith a pre-game ceremony

where his jersey willbe hung on the

outfield walland Sitz

w i l lthrowo u tt h ef i r s tpitch.

Scoutswill be

wa i t i n gin anticipa-

tion withtheir radars to see

if he still has it. There hasbeen rumors that a pro con-tract could be on the hori-zon.

Following the gamethere will be an honorarydinner at O'Boys Barbequeand Grill on Fairbanks Ave.

Big Announcements from RollinsAthletics Department

Sports18

THE SLANTSPUR

[email protected]

TARS SPORTS SCHEDULE

Baseball vs. FloridaTech - 7pm

Honorary Dinnerfor Rob Sitz -

O’Boys - after game

FRI 31Baseball vs. Florida Tech (DH)

- 1pm

Honorary Dinner for WinstonShort - PR’s - after game

SAT 1

Mercedes Drag Racing - Park Ave - midnight

MON 3

Croquet - Mill’s Lawn - 10am

TUE 4

BMW Drag Racing - Park Ave - midnight

WED 5

EDITOR: ANGELA GONZALEZ

VOL 112 ISSUE 23

Horse Races - Mill’s Lawn - 2pm

SUN 2

ANGELA GONZALEZ / The Slantspur (illustration)

BRUTUS BUCKEYE SMITH III: Rollins new mascot.

Angela Gonzalezthe slantspur

DANI PICARD & KELLY McNOLDY / The Slantspur (illustration)

WALL OF FAME: The outfield wall will now display Sitz’s num-ber alongside other retired jerseys.

The Rollins CollegeMen's Basketball team fin-ished with a 24-8 record thispast season winning theSunshine State Conferenceand advancing to the SouthRegion Tournament. Asidefrom their duties on the bas-ketball court, the team alsoachieved the highest GPAout of any of the athleticteams at Rollins College forthe fall of 2005. The teamhas seven academic AllAmericans and nine Sun-shine State Conference Allacademic honorees. The av-erage team GPA is 3.3.

Senior Nate Rusbosin,who is in the running forvaledictorian, recorded his7th straight semester with a4.0 GPA. The sports man-agement major is the captainfor the basketball season andnew head coach Brad Ashsays: "Nate really sets thetone for us when it comes tobeing in the classroom. Hegoes to every class, doesevery homework assign-ment, does every extra cred-it project and the professorslove him. What more couldyou ask from your team cap-tain? Without Aderol hewouldn't be where he is atright now." Joining Nate inthe 4.0 GPA club is freshmanGreg Sweeney. Sweeeney,who was an academic AllAmerican at North HillsChristian in Pittsburgh,Pennsylvania, is one of fourfreshmen at Rollins who hada perfect GPA in the first se-mester. Sweeney declinedcomment because he is

afraid that publishing thisarticle might jinx his aca-demic success.

Despite not having per-fect GPA's, Jon Smith andDeon Troupe are workingextremely hard to pursuetheir degrees in elementaryeducation. "Jon and Deonare the two hardest workingeducation majors that I'veseen at this school. Their un-bridled organization skillsare something that I havenever seen before. Theirpassionate dedication to stu-dent teaching is remark-able," says education majorRay Nazario. Deon and Jonalso declined comment forthis article because they feltthey would jinx themselvesby being satisfied with their3.8 GPA's. Ebonics majorIsaac Codrey's 3.8 GPA is thehighest among all sciencemajors at Rollins. "He sosmart, you couldn't nevertell he was a baller. He greatin da ebonics classes," says afellow ebonics student whochose to remain anonymous.Kevin Hogan is next on theastounding list of AcademicAll Americans. Hogan 3.67GPA in the first semester wassecond among all freshmanbasketball players in theSunshine State Conference(behind Sweeney), fourth inthe South Region and Top 50nationally. Fellow freshmanJoe Doyle was not an aca-demic All American, butmade the SSC conference'sAll American list with his3.49 GPA. SophomoresJohnny Reibel and ChaunceyGibbs both achieved solid3.3 GPA's, and Gibbs, whohas not yet declared a major,

has the highest GPA of allathletes with an undeclaredmajor at Rollins. Criminaleconomics majors JohnThinnes has 3.25 and JordanKolosey has a 3.23.

Unfortunately goodgrades are not always conta-gious. Such is the case withstar player JoJo Kuhlmanand a redshirt freshman whoasked that his real identitybe screened, so we'll call him"Magic." JoJo, who is chem-istry major, blames his aca-demic problems on ADD. "Idon't do too well in schoolbecause of ADD, so it causesa downward spiral in my

classes. I just can't concen-trate." ADD is not the casewith Magic. Magic says hisproblem is that his profes-sors expect him to do thingsthat he can't do. A transferfrom the College of SouthernIdaho, Magic came to Rollinswith a 1.8, but he says thatRollins is a completely dif-ferent ballgame. "I can't dohomework. I didn't evenknow what the (expletive)that was till I got here. AtSouthern Idaho, we'd go toclass and class was pickingpotatoes and fixing cars. Theonly time we touched a penand paper was to sign our

name when we had to bondourselves out of jail. Theonly English work we had todo was the jokes we made upwhen we went to go pick po-tatoes." He also blames thelack of opportunity for his2.1 GPA. "Man, at SouthernIdaho we (expletive) gotgraded for playing basket-ball. That (expletive) was aculture. How do they not dothat at this school?" Hope-fully Nate's Adderal canserve a good use for Magic,and for every other athletethat is struggling in school.

SPORTS 19MAR. 31, 2006· THE SLANTSPURVOL. 112 ISSUE 23

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Would you like to place an announcement or classified?Call (407) 646-2696 or e-mail [email protected].

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It seems like some peo-ple can never give it up.Tired of sitting around,doing nothing and pickingup his kids from school,Michael Jordan is makinghis third comeback to theNBA. For Central Floridi-ans, it's even more excitingbecause Jordan will bemaking that comebackwith the Orlando Magic.Jordan, who turned 44 onFebruary 17, thinks thatthis could be his best come-back yet.

With the optimisticoutlook of Dwight Howardand Jameer Nelson beingthe franchise of the Magic,

Jordan is eager to get in."Dwight and Jameer needsomeone such as Jordanthat can teach them andmotivate them. Michael isthe perfect guy for that.He's won six NBA titles,numerous MVP awards. Idon't think he is all washedup at all. I think him sit-ting out re-energized him,and he will come back andbe ready to dominate justlike he did ten years withthe Bulls and five years agowith the Wizards," saysMagic fan, Amaury Rolle.The last time Jordan retiredhe gave a 100% guaranteeof not coming back. How-ever, when dealing withpeople that have the pas-sion for the game that Jor-

dan does, nothing is everguaranteed.

So how do we knowthat this comeback will notbe an absolute joke? Jor-dan's trainer Tim Groverhas Michael going throughan intense workout regi-men that will have himready by the start of nextseason. For six days aweek he starts out by run-ning 3-5 miles a day, thenworking out for one hourand a half in the morning.He takes a lunch break, at 2P.M it's back to the gym ashe shoots 1,500 jump shots.After shooting, he doesvarious plyometric drills.At 6 P.M he goes to dinner,and at 8 P.M its back at thegym for two hours of

breaking down film andworking on ball handlingdrills. On his off day, heshoots 1,000 jump shots,but does not lift. It's an in-tense workout regimen, butinside sources say that Jor-dan is committed to this in-tense workout because hewants to be known as theman that resurrected theOrlando Magic franchise."It's clearly his biggest taskyet, he didn't even workout this hard when he wasin his prime with Bulls,"says NBA scout, MarvinWilliams.

The Magic plan ongiving Jordan a two yearcontract, but playing bas-ketball will be the least ofhis duties. He will become

an immediate impact in thepublic relations depart-ment, immediately boost-ing ticket sales. The Magicfront office has had to add100 extra phone lines to ac-commodate unrelentingcallers who are already try-ing to reserve season tick-ets for next season. Jordanwill also serve as the link totry to create free agents toOrlando. Among thosementioned are LebronJames, Dwyane Wade andCarmelo Anthony, who areall free agents after nextseason. The Magic are ex-tremely serious aboutbuilding a championshipsquad and they could nothave found a better acqui-sition.

Juan Bernalthe slantspur

Juan Bernalthe slantspur

"Student-Athletes": Men's BasketballTeam with School's Highest Team GPA

The King is Back: Jordan Returns to NBA

ADVERTISEMENT20 THE SLANTSPUR· MAR. 31, 2006 VOL. 112 ISSUE 23

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