The Lifelong Journey of the Adoptee€¦ · The Lifelong Journey of the Adoptee By JaeRan Kim Keynote presentation for Pact Camp Although I’ve done a number of presentations over

1 ©JaeRanKim,2011

TheLifelongJourneyoftheAdoptee

ByJaeRanKim

KeynotepresentationforPactCamp

AlthoughI’vedoneanumberofpresentationsoverthepastseveralyears,I

donotconsidermyselfa“speaker.”Iamatheartawriterandagoodlistener.Thatis

why,asIhavebeenworkingonthismorning’spresentationoverthepastfew

months,Ihavestressedoverhowtocreateagreat,dynamictalk.WhenBethandI

brainstormedforideas,webothagreedonapresentationaboutthelifelongjourney

ofanadoptee.SoIwentaboutbusilyputtingtogetheratalkbasedonErikErikson’s

modelofpsychosocialdevelopment,withDavidBrodzinsky’sadditional

developmentaltasksforadopteesaddedontop,andalittlebrainneurobiology

sprinkledthroughout.Butastodaygrewnear,Irealizedthatmypresentationthat

I’dputtogetherjustdidn’tfeelright.Itriedtofixitseveraltimes,andthenrealized

whyitwasn’tworking.

Iamnotapsychologistorachilddevelopmentexpert.Infact,tomorrow

you’llgettohearfromatruechilddevelopmentexpert.I’malsonotanexperton

brainneurobiology.ButIhave42yearsexperienceasaKoreanadopteeandI’ve

writtenalotaboutmyexperiencesandthoughtsaboutbeingaKoreanadoptee,and

I’velistenedalottootheradoptedindividuals.Sotoday,Iamgoingtotalkaboutthe

lifelongjourneyofanadopteebysharingmythoughtsandexperiences,andthoseof

otheradopteesI’vebeenprivilegedtoknowandhearfrom.

SomeofwhatI’llsharewithyoureflectsmyexperiencesasatransracially

adoptedperson,andsomewillreflectmoregeneraladoptionthemes.Whilemy

experienceisunique,whatI’vediscoveredasImeetmoreadopteesandadoptive

parentsisthatdespitethediversityofexperiencesandfamilies,therearealsoalot

ofcommonthemes.WhatIwanttohighlighttodayisanormalizationofthese

feelings,thoughtsandbehaviorsofadopteesthroughoutthelifespan.

2 ©JaeRanKim,2011

I’llbethrowinginalittleoftheotherstuffImentionedaboutdevelopment

too,butmostlyjusttoprovideaframeworkandcontextforthesomeofwhatI’m

goingtoshareabouttheadopteeexperience.Iam,afterall,anexpertinmyownlife.

TherearefourmainmessagesIwanttoleaveyouwithtodayandIwillgo

moreindepthforeachone.Thesemessagesare:

1) Youcan’teraseourpast–includingthehurtandlosswehaveexperienced

2) Themajorityofyourrelationshipwithyouradoptedchildwillbeas

adults.AsIseeit,asaparent,yourjobforthefirstdecadeofyourchild’s

lifeistokeepthemsafe.Yourjobfortheseconddecadeoftheirlifeisto

helpthemlearnhowtokeepthemselvessafe.Andfromthatpointon–

theremaining40or50years–yourjobistobepresentandtohavea

mutuallyhealthy,supportive,reciprocalrelationship.Youmaythinkthat

thislastpartisagiven,butwhatI’velearnedovertheyearsisthatit’s

not.Becauseformanyadoptees,it’sadeliberatechoicewhetherornot

theyaregoingtostayengagedwiththeiradoptiveparents.Andsome

makethechoicetowalkaway.

3) Anadoptee’srealidentityworkbeginslaterthanwhatthe“experts”say

4) Theimpactofadoptionlastsalifetime–andforgenerationstocome

Let’sbeginwith1)Youcan’terasethepast.

Alltheadoptiveparentsinthisroomreceivedthechildtheyadoptedunder

differentcircumstances.Butonethingisthesame.Eachchildthatcomestobe

adoptedhadtohaveexperiencedthedisruptionandlossoftheirbiologicalfamilyin

someway.Inorderforonefamilytobeformedtherehastobeanotherfamilythat

experiencedadissolution.Inadditiontothatfirstinitialloss,formanyadoptees

thereareaddedlayersofloss.AccordingtoErikson,ababy’spsychosocial

developmenttaskiscenteredaroundfiguringoutifs/hecantrusttheworldtomeet

hisorherneeds.Thebabylearnshecantrusttheworldifheisfedwhenheis

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hungry,changedwhenhisdiaperisdirty,keptsafefromharmandcomfortedand

loved.Someofushavelivedinmultiplehomesorwithmultiplecaregivers–foster

care,orphanages,withfamilymembersorfriends–eachplacementormoveisa

loss,asistheexperienceofgettingclosetoacaretakeratanorphanageonlytohave

themtransferorquit.Someadopteesareadoptedintotheir“foreverhomes”onlyto

havetheadoptiveparentorparentschangetheirminds.Someareabusedor

neglectedintheirbiologicalhomeorinoneoftheirplacementsbeforetheycome

intoyourhome.Thoseofusadoptedtransraciallyorinternationallyloseour

countryofbirth,ourlanguage,acommunityofpeoplewholooklikeus,social

customs,faithcommunities,food,holidaysandmore.

Ourpastalsoincludesourpre-natalexperiences.Althoughit’snottypically

includedindiscussionsofchilddevelopment,whenwethinkabouttheadopted

person’sdevelopmentwehavetolookimpactofprenatalexperiencesonthe

adoptee,whichcouldincludematernalstress,poornutrition,geneticheritable

influences,environmentalorsubstancetoxinssuchasdrugsoralcoholorlivingin

anareaexposedtoenvironmentaltoxins,poverty,lackofprenatalcare,andviolence

inthehome.Impactsofpre-natalexperiencesmayshowupaslowbirthweight,pre-

termdelivery,immaturedevelopmentordevelopmentalorintellectualdelaysor

disabilities.

Beginningatbirth,ourbrainsbegintoformimplicitmemory–which

continuesthroughoutourwholelifespan.Ifyou’veeverexperiencedasenseof

havinganemotionalreactiontosomethingforareasonyoucan’texplain,it’slikely

yourbrainisrecallinganimplicitmemory.Ourbrainsalsogeneralizerepeated

experiencesandstorethemasmentalmodels.Whenourbrainsrecognizes

somethingthatseemsfamiliar–andrecallsamentalmodel–webehave,feelor

thinkbasedonourmentalmodelofasituation,evenifthecontextissomewhat

different.AsDanSiegelandMaryHartzellwriteinParentingfromtheInsideOut,

emotions,behaviors,bodysensationsandperceptualinterpretationsbasedonour

mentalmodelsformedthroughoutourlivesinfluenceourpresentbehaviorsand

perceptions.And,wedon’tevenknowthatthisishappening.Becausetheyare

formedwithoutourconsciousness,mentalmodelsareveryhardtochange.

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Adoptiveparentsdon’twanttheirchildrentosufferandmaythinkthatif

theycanjustworktohelpusforgetaboutourpastthenwe’llbebetteradjusted.But

thisapproachcanbackfire.First,iftheadopteeexpressesgriefoverhisorher

losses,orifwebehavebasedonmentalmodelsofourpasthistoriesofabuse,loss,

abandonment,neglect,orprenatalexperiencesthenadoptiveparentscanfeellike

theywerebadparentsorunsuccessful,thatitwastheirfault.Or,theymayproject

this“failuretoresolvethepast”ontheadopteewhoisunableto“getoverit.”

Inhisbook,BeingAdopted:TheLifelongSearchforSelf,DavidBrodzinsky

writesthatinanattempttominimizeadoptionasaloss,peopleoftencompare

adoptiontodivorceanddeath,twootherwaysinwhichchildrenloseparents.But

becauseinadoptionachildgainsaparentorparents,insteadofan

acknowledgementofloss,anadoptioniscelebratedasatimeofjoy.Peoplehavea

tendencytotelladoptedchildrenthattheywerelucky,somethingtheywouldnever

saytoachildwholosesaparenttodivorceordeath.

Adopteesgrieveinwavesovertime.Aswetalkfurthertoday,I’llhighlight

timeswhereadopteesmighthavemoredifficulty.Ourpastispartofwhoweare,

andcannotbeerased.Ithinkthemostsuccessfuladultadopteesarethosewhocan

recognizetheirlossesbutnotbedefinedbythem.Ihavemetmanyadultadoptees

wholooked“adjusted”butwereactuallyincrisisbelowthesurface,oftenbecause

somewherealongthelinetheyhadinternalizedthebeliefthattheycouldn’tbeboth

grievingandgrateful.

I’mnotwhereIamtodayinspiteofthelossesI’veexperienced,butbecauseof

them.I’vehadthesupportofalotofpeoplehelpingmelearnthatIcantakewhat

I’veexperiencedandpassthatknowledgeon.DeborahJiangStein,atransracial

adopteewhowasbornandspentthefirstyearofherlifeinprisonwithherbirth

motherwhowasincarcerated,andIhadaninterestingconversationonfacebook

lastyear.DeborahwroteonherFacebookwall,“Adiagnosisisnotadestiny.Ordoes

ithavetobe?Oncecalled"at-risk&specialneeds"andmore,Icantestifythatone

canout-doandout-liveadiagnosis.Atleasttoliveaproductive,happy,andfulfilling

life.Buthowoftendopeopleliveuptotheexpectationsofadiagnosis,justbecause

that'sexpected?”

5 ©JaeRanKim,2011

Myresponsewasthis:"Ithinkit'seasierforsometoliveaself-fulfilling

prophecythantospendourlivesconvincingbothourselvesandothersthatweare

morethanthesumofourchildhoodlosses."

ImayhavegainedmanythingsbybeingadoptedtotheU.S.,butI'vealso

experiencedmanylosses.AndwhileIbelieveIammuchmorethanthesumofmy

childhoodlosses,therearestilldays–notoftenbutsometimes-whensadness

bubblesupandoverwhelmsme.Becauseit'shard.Formanyofusadoptees,itwould

beeasiertojustshoveallthosefeelingsoflossandgriefwaydowndeep,

compartmentalizethem,andthrowawaythekey.Forothers,itiseasiertostay

overwhelmedwithgrief.Itotallyunderstandwhymanyadopteesdon'tmakeit.As

difficultasitmaybetobelieve,everytimeIhearaboutanadopteewhohastaken

theirownlife,Igetit.I'vehadtoworkhardtoconvincemyselfthatIammorethan

thesumofmychildhoodlosses-andhavingtoconstantlyprovethattogreater

societyaswelltakesaheavytoll.

I'mfortunatethatIhaveagoodrelationshipwithmyadoptiveparents.

However,havinga“good”(howeveronedefinesthat)adoptivehomedidnoterase

thelossesI'veexperienced.ThereisnothingthatmyAmerican,middle-class

upbringingcouldhavedonetoerasethelossofmyKoreanfamilyandcultureand

language.Iamfrustratedwiththeprevailingassumptionthataslongasthe

adoptiveparentsare"good"ones,theadopteewon'teverfeellossandgrief.I'mnot

convincedbythenotionthata"well-adjustedadoptee"isonewhoneverquestions

adoptionloss,whoneverfeelssadnessorgrief,orwhonevergoesthroughan

identitycrisisoverwhos/heisandwheres/hebelongs.Itangersmethatweare

constantlytoldthatweshould"getoverit."

IrecentlyIheardoneadoption"expert"(notanadoptee,ofcourse)statethat

despitethelossesinvolvedinadoption,asaninstitutionalchildwelfarepractice,

"adoptionisstillthebestinterventionwehaveforchildrenwhoareparentless."As

an"intervention"adoptiongavemeahomeandafamilybutitdidnot"cure"what

causedmetobeinneedofahomeandafamily.Adoptionisnotacure,it'sa

treatment,that-iftheadopteeisfortunateandifit'sdonewell-potentiallyhelps

makesthesorrowsmoremanageable.Adoptiveparentscan’terasetheinitialloss

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thatiscoretoadoption,norcantheypreventthatlossfromimpactingtheadoptee.

Especiallysincemanyofthemostchallengingtimesforadopteesoccurafterthey

leavethesafetynetoftheparentsandareoutontheirown.Whichleadsmetomy

secondmessage.

2).Themajorityofyourlifelongrelationshipwithyourchildwillbeasadults.

Inthepastthreeyears,overtwentyofmyfriendshavehadtheirfirst

children.I’vebeenempathizingwithlatenights,pottytrainingissues,sleepingand

eatingandthelackofcoupletimeandthegeneraloverallexhaustionmyfriends

havebeenexperiencingasnewparents.Meanwhile,mypartnerandIhave

teenagers–a13-yearoldsonandadaughterwhowillgraduatefromhighschool

nextyear.Whilemyfriendsareimmersedinthedailyinsandoutsofparenting

babiesandtoddlers–thinkingthosedayswilllastforever–mypartnerandIare

facingadifferentrealityandadifferentstyleofparentingalltogether.Welookat

parentinginamuchdifferentway–welookatparentingteenagersaslearninghow

tohaveauthentic,long-termrelationshipswithourchildrenasadults.

Ifyouthinkaboutit,themajorityofourknowledgeandinformationabout

parentingishowtodotheearlystuff–theearlychilddevelopmentstufflikeI

mentioned–gettingthechildtosleepthroughthenight,eatingwell,keepingthem

safe.That’sthefocusofthemajorityoftheparentingbooksoutthere.Thereisa

resurgenceofadviceforwhenourchildrenbecometeenagers–I’vereadthosetoo–

RevivingOpheliaandbooksabouthowtotalktoyourkidsaboutsex,etc.Buthave

anyofyouseenabookabouthowtobeaparenttoanadult?Howdowecontinueto

havegoodrelationshipswithourkidsoncetheyarenolongerkids?They’reonly

oursforthefirst18-20yearsgiveortake(orformanyofuswhoadopted,evenless)

–butwehopefullyhaveanother40-50yearsofrelationshiptimewithouradult

children.

It’sthesamewhenthinkingaboutparentingadoptedchildren.Themajority

ofthebooksoutthereonparentingadoptedchildrenareaboutchildrenandteens–

under18yearsold.Ithinkthisissomethingthatmostadoptiveparentshaven’t

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thoughtabout–therelationshipthey’llhavewiththeiradoptedchildrenafterthose

childrenareadults.

Adulthoodiswhenmanyadopteesstartthinkingaboutabirthfamilysearch.

Oriftheyhavecontactwiththeirbirthfamilies,adultadopteesneedtobegin

negotiatingontheirownhowmuchtimetospendwiththebiologicalfamilyandthe

adoptivefamily.Theymaydecidetoliveintheircountriesorcommunitiesofbirth.

Allthesethingscanfreakoutadoptiveparents,andadultadopteescansmellthis

fear.Asaresult,adultadopteesoftenkeeptheiradoption-relatedactivitiesfrom

theiradoptiveparents.It’sverycommonforadopteestoworryaboutsplitloyalties

regardingbirthfamilyrelationshipsorsearches.

Thiscanbetoughontheadoptee’srelationshipwiththeadoptiveparentor

parents.Theadopteemayreplicateparent/childattachmentandabandonment

issueswiththeiradoptiveparents.Manyofmyadultadopteepeershavetenuousor

strainedrelationshipswiththeiradoptivefamilies.I’veknownmanyadultadoptees

thatseveredcontactwiththeiradoptiveparentsduringthisphaseoflife.It’spretty

commoninyoungadulthoodtoexertindependence.Havingarelationshipwithan

adoptiveparentatthisstageoflifeismoreachoice–andsomeadopteesmay

choosetodistancethemselves.

Otheradopteesmaybecomeclingyandoverlydependentandhaveahard

timeseparatingfromtheirparentsandfamily,eventogotocollege,beginacareer

orsettleintoarelationshiporbeginafamily.Thetransitionintoadulthoodisone

thatmightbemoredifficultforanadoptee,andadoptiveparentsmightnotrealize

thattensionsaroundmovingoutofthehome,startingajoborcareerordifficulties

inintimaterelationshipsmaybeadoptionrelated.

Adoptiveparentsoftenhavecomplicatedrelationshipswithadultadoptees.

Particularlywiththoseofuswhoarealittlemore“outspoken.”Asablogger,thisis

somethingthatIandsomemyadopteebloggerpeersoftendiscussedwitheach

other–whywastheresuchanimositytowardsuswhenwewroteaboutour

thoughtsandexperiences(especiallyasatransracialadoptee)andatendencyfor

adoptiveparents,somewhowereyoungerthanuschronologically,todismissour

reflectionsasadolescentangst?Ithinkit’sbecauseadoptiveparentshavebeenso

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caughtupinthedailyworkofparentingchildrenthattheycan’talwaysseetheir

childasanadultadoptee,withtheirownthoughtsandopinionsaboutadoption.

Weparentourchildrenwithourvaluesandbeliefsandhopetheytakethose

onastheirownwhentheybecomeadults.Weseeourchildrenasextensionsofus.

Adoptiveparentstendtothinkthatiftheycandothe“right”thingsthatthey’ll

preventtheiradoptedchildfromgoingthroughanydifficulttimesorbecoming“an

angryadoptee.”

Iunderstandwhyadoptiveparentsfeelrawreadingorhearingadult

adopteesbeingcritical.Acriticismofadoptionseemslikeacriticismoftheadoptive

parentandtheirfamily.Soit’sfairlycommonforadoptiveparentstodichotomize

adopteesinto“well-adjustedadoptees”(whichmeanstheydon’teverythinkabout

theirbiologicalparentsandthinkadoptionisthebestthingeverandhavenodesire

tosearchorthinkaboutadoptionidentity)and“angryadoptees”whoget

pathologizedasbeingdysfunctional,mentallyill,orthattheymusthavehadterrible

adoptiveparentswhowereabusive.Thisisn’tthecaseatall.Someofthe“angriest”

adopteeshavethemostsupportive,amazingadoptiveparents.Andmanyofthe

adopteesfromthemostdysfunctionalandabusiveadoptivehomesgotogreat

lengthstodefendadoption.PeopleareoftensurprisedthatIhaveagood

relationshipwithmyadoptivefamily–theyassumefromreadingmyblogthatwe

mustbeestranged.Doweagreeoneverythingadoption-related?Ofcoursenot.We

havedefinitelyhadourchallenges.

Itwasn'tuntillegallychangedmynamethatIfullyunderstoodthatmy

parents’resistancetomyincorporationofaKoreanAmericanidentitycamefroma

placeoffearoflosingourrelationship.TheypersonalizedeveryattemptImadeto

"reclaim"myidentityasreactionagainstthem.Theyhadsetupadichotomy–

either/or–withKoreaononeendandthem(amentalmodelofAmerican)onthe

otherend.InthismodeleverysteptowardsKoreameantmovingawayfromthem.

OnlyoncetheyunderstoodIwasnottryingtobecomemore“Korean”inorderto

leaveourrelationshiptheycouldletgooftheirfearandbecomemoresupportiveof

myKoreanidentity.AlthoughI’veneverbeenestrangedfrommyfamily,therehave

9 ©JaeRanKim,2011

beentimeswhenourrelationshiphasbeensuperficial.Thosewerethetimeswhen

myadoptiveparentswouldnotwalkwithmeinmyjourney.

Thisisaperfectexampleofhowadoptionisalife-longissue.Iwas36whenI

changedmyname-anadult,withapartnerandtwokids.Iwashardlyapetulant

childdoingsomethingoppositionalinordertohurtmyparents.Andmyparents

wereintheir60s.Ifmysisterhadchangedhermiddleandlastnames,theywould

neverhavefeltitwasanactofangertowardsthem.Theyprobablywouldhave

questionedherdecision,andfeltshewasmakingamistake.Buttheywouldnothave

personalizedit.Raceandnationalityandadoptionandadoptiveparentfearof

rejectiongottangledupinmyadoptionjourney.Perhapsresidualfearonbehalfof

someadoptiveparentsmakethemmoreclingyandresistanttotheiradoptedchild's

normalprocessofindependence.Adoptiveparentscanstrengthentheir

relationshipwiththeiradultadopteechildreniftheydon'tpersonalizetheirchild's

stepstowardsfindingout"whotheyare."Theyneedtorememberthatthissearch

foridentityisanormalpartofhumandevelopment.

3)Anadoptee’srealidentityworkbeginslaterthanwhatthe“experts”say

Erikson’staskforyoungadultsistodevelopthecapacityforintimacy.This

canbeachallengeforyoungadultadoptees.Youngadultsaredevelopmentally

individuatingagain,re-definingthemselvespolitically,spiritually,andsociallyfrom

theirparents.Foradoptees,thismightmeaniftheiradoptiveparentsheavily

emphasizedadoptionthattheymightnotwanttoidentifyasadoptedandmayquit

anyadopteegroupsinwhichtheyusedtoparticipate.Oritcouldmeanthatifthe

adoptiveparentsnevertalkedaboutadoptionthattheadultadopteemightimmerse

themselvesinadopteesocialgroups.

Identityworkisoftenconsideredthedevelopmentaltaskofteenagersand

youngadults,andforadopteesthishappenssomewhat,butI’vefoundthatmany

adopteesreallydon’tbegintodelveintotheiradopteeidentityuntillater.For

transracialadoptees,racialidentityoftenbecomesmoreofanissuethanadoption

identitybecauseofthevisualdifferences.Whentheadopteeisoutsidethe

protectiveandfamiliarfamilyandcommunitysphere,theycanimmersethemselves

10 ©JaeRanKim,2011

intocommunitieswithoutdisclosingtheyareadopted.I’vefoundthatthistime

periodiswhenidentityworkgetsintense,particularlyfortransracialadoptees.

WhenIwentintocollege,IhadtoexplaintopeoplewhyIhadanAnglicizedname

becausetherewerealargenumberofinternationalstudentsfromAsiaatmycollege

andmyclassmatesandteachershadahardtimeunderstandingwhyIdidnothave

anaccentorwasnotaninternationalstudent.Ineverhadtoanswerthisquestion

whenIlivedinmyhomecommunitybecauseeveryoneknewIwasadopted.Itwasa

periodofintenseevaluationofwhatbeinganadopteemeant,inawayIneverhadto

thinkaboutwhenIlivedathomewithmyfamily.

In2009,theEvanB.DonaldsonAdoptionInstitutepublishedareportbased

onasurveyofadultadopteestitled,BeyondCultureCamp.Responsesfromthe

Koreanadopteessurveyedfound“mostKoreanadopteesgrewupincommunities

thatwerelessthan10percentAsian,butalmosthalf(47%)indicatedthereare

largernumbersofAsiansintheircurrentcommunities.Thisshiftalsowasreflected

inthefactthat67percentoftheKoreansdescribedtheextentofdiversityintheir

childhoodcommunitiesas“notatall”to“notverymuch,”whereasmany(42%)

indicatedthereis“verymuch”diversityintheircommunitiesasadults(p.25).”

IgrewupinasuburbofMinneapoliswheretherewas,tomyknowledge,only

oneKoreanAmericanfamilyinmyschooldistrictandaverysmallhandfulof

AfricanAmericanfamilies.Althoughwelived20milesfromthecity,mydaily

interactionswithanyoneotherthanWhiteAmericanswasnon-existent.This

changedwhenIbecameanadult.Ifoundmyselfajobwherethemajorityofthe

employeeswereimmigrantsandIattendedaverydiverseuniversity.And,sincethe

dayImovedoutofmyparent’shome,Ihaveonlylivedinthecityandin

neighborhoodsthatareracially,ethnicallyandsocioeconomicallydiverse.Asa

personofcolor,thisiswhereIfeelcomfortable.Myparents,ontheotherhand,don’t

likewhereIchoosetoraisemyfamily.Tothemyouliveinmyneighborhood

becauseyoudon’thaveachoice,andassoonasyoucanyou“moveup.”Formy

partnerandmyself,livinginourneighborhoodwasourfirstchoice.

Sometimesadopteeidentitydoesn’thituntiltheadopteereachestheir30sor

40s.Thiscouldbebecausetheadopteehasreachedapointinlifewheretheyhave

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the“space”tobegintoexplorewhatbeingadoptedmeanstothem.Iamaperfect

exampleofthisphenomenon.Growingup,Ionlyhadonetransraciallyadopted

friend,whomIonlysawatchurchcamp,untilthesummerafterfourthgrade.But

likemanychildhoodfriendships,welosttouch.Oneday,whenIwas30yearsold,I

happenedacrossacopyofKoreanQuarterlyandthepageIhappenedtoopen

featuredthestoryofaKoreanadopteeandherfamily.Therewassomethingfamiliar

aboutthiswoman-hername,thereferencestoherfather,andthecoincidencethat

herdaughterhadmyname(whichisnotverycommon).Therewasane-mailatthe

bottomofthearticleandIwrotetothiswoman,hopingitwasmyfriendfromso

longago.Itwas.Lessthantwoweekslater,weweresittinginthemiddleofacoffee

shopcatchinguponourlives.ItwasthebeginningofmyjourneytodiscoverwhoI

amasaKoreanAmericanadoptee.AyearlaterwewouldtraveltoKoreatogether,

forthefirsttimesinceweweredeliveredtoouradoptiveparentsinMinnesota.

Asamazingasitistomeetotheradopteesthathavesharedsimilar

experiences,ifanadopteeisinanintimaterelationshipthisadoptionexploration

canbeapointofcontention.Iwroteablogpostcalled,“BeingMarriedtoHarlow’s

Monkey”inwhichIsharedsomeofmy(andotheradopteesIknow)struggleswith

intimaterelationships.TodateitistheblogpostI’vereceivedthemostfeedbackon

fromotheradoptees.

Intheblogpost,firstIwroteabouttheimpactthatattachmentandlosscan

haveonanadopteeintermsoftheirintimaterelationships.Adopteesmayrushor

settleintomarriagesorrelationshipsthataren’trightforthembecausetheywould

ratherbewithanyonethanalone.Someadopteesontheotherhandmayalways

have“onefootoutthedoor.”I’veheardmanyadopteesexpresstheycanneverfeel

liketheycanjustsettleintoarelationship-theissueswithattachmentmaybe

expressedasexcessiveclinginessoragain,asaneedfortotalindependence.In

manywaysadultadopteesarereplayingtheirabandonmentandattachmentissues

butthistimewithsignificantintimatepartnerrelationshipsinsteadofparents.

DifficultywithtrustandabandonmentisthesinglemostsharedcommonalityI’ve

foundamongdomesticsame-raceadoptees,foster-adopteesandtransracialand

internationaladoptees.Forsomeadoptedpersons,thatcantranslateasbeingstand-

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offish,coldandcommitment-phobic,withatendencytoleavepeoplebeforethey

leaveus.Forothers,thismighttranslateintoclinginess,jealousyandneedinesswith

atendencytowardssuffocatingtheverypeoplewelovethemost.Thisiswhat's

referredtoasinsecureattachment.

ButoneofthebiggestareasofconflictortensionI’vewitnessedistheconflict

thatresultswhenadultadopteesthathavepreviouslynotreallythoughtabout

adoptionbeginstoexplore.Thereisatendencyfortheadopteetobecome

immersed–somemightsayobsessive–aboutadoption.Theinternethashelped

feedthiswithalltheblogsanddiscussionforums.OneoftheFacebookgroupsI

belongtoisforalumnioftheWhiteLilyOrphanageinDaegu,SouthKorea.Currently

thereare80+members,andI’malwaysstruckbyhowfeverish“newbie”adoptees

are.Theretendstobeapatternwheretheadopteediscoversotheradopteesthat

haveaconnectionwiththeminsomeway.Theywanttogettoknowasmanyother

adopteesastheycan.Theysharethemostpersonal,intimatethingsabouttheirlives

withpeopletheybarelyknowjustbecausetheyhavetheadoptionconnection.It’s

verycommonforadopteeswhomeeteachothertosharetheiradoptionstorythe

firsttimetheymeet.Soontherearemeet-upsandmini-gatheringsandspecial

discussionforums.RecenttopicsontheWhiteLilyforuminclude:whohasbeento

Korea,whohasconsideredchangingtheirnamesandwhy,whohastroublewith

dating/relationships,whohasbeenabusedintheiradoptivehomes,andwhat

peoplethoughtabouttherecentlegislationpassedinKorea,includingtherightfor

adopteestoobtaindualcitizenshipandthenewonethatjustpassedacoupleweeks

agothatwouldrestrictadoptionsfromKorea.

Theimpetustoimmerseoneselfinadoptionreflectionmightbetriggeredby

havingachildormeetinganotheradoptee.Iftheadultadopteeispartneredand

beginstoreallybecome“obsessed”aboutadoption,thepartnermaywonder“why

now?”andbecomeresentful.I’veseenalotofrelationshipsbreakupbecauseofthis.

IfoundthisarticlebytheBenevolentSocietyinAustraliabestaddressesthefears

andquestionsthenon-adoptedpartnermighthaveabouttheirlovedoneimmersing

themselvesinadoption-relatedidentitywork.Someofthewordsofwisdominthis

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article(andI’vefoundmanyarehelpfulforadoptiveparentstoknowaswell)

include:

• Youhaveprobablygrownupwithyourbiologicalfamily.Thisisavery

differentexperiencefrombeingpartofanadoptivefamily.Adopteesare

cutofffromthingsthatnon-adoptedpeopletakeforgranted–birth

parents,theextendedfamily,geneticinheritanceandsometimesethnicor

racialorigins.Adopteesoftensearchinordertore-connectwiththepast

andcontrarytomanypeople’sbeliefs,thosewhosearcharenot

necessarilyunhappywiththeirlife.

• Adopteeswhohavehadahappyadoptioncanalsoexperiencefeelingsof

emptiness,ofyearningandofsomethingmissingintheirlives.

• Thegriefassociatedwiththissenseoflosscansometimessurfaceatthe

timeofspecificevents,suchasthedeathofanadoptiveparent,theillness

ofalovedone,oron‘happy’occasionssuchasbirthdays,anniversariesor

thebirthofachild.Thesesituationscanallberemindersofthelostbirth

family

• Youmaybetemptedtoundertakethesearchonyourpartner’sbehalf,

wishingtoprotecthim/herfrompossiblehurt.However…thesearchcan

bepartofthehealingprocessforanadoptee.Askyourselfwhetheryou

aretakingcontrolofthesituationratherthanprotectingyourpartner.

• Youmight…feelresentmentwhen[yourpartner]becomeobsessedbythe

searchandalltheirenergyisfocusedonit.Youmaybegintoworrythat

thesearchseemstobetakingovernotonlyyourpartner’slifebutyours

• Ifthereareexistingproblemsinamarriageorrelationship,thestress

causedbyreunion[oridentitywork]canserveasacatalystby

highlightingthese,andsometimesbreakdowncanresult.

[http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/documents/IS19_Partners_of_Adoptees_2010

06052.pdf]

14 ©JaeRanKim,2011

Withtransracialadoptees,anotherareaofconflictforcouplesinwhichone

ormorememberisadoptedoccurswhenanadopteemeetsothersfromtheirracial

andethnicgroupforthefirsttimeandbeginstorealizetheymighthavemissedout

ondatingopportunities.SomeKoreanadopteesIknowfeltpangsofregretthatthey

marriedwhitespouseseitherbecauseoflackofdiversitywheretheylivedor

becauseoftheirinnernegativefeelingsaboutAsians.Imaginebeingthatperson

whenyourpartnersuddenlyregretsbeingpartneredtoyoubecauseyou'renotthe

samerace.ManyadoptedKoreansgetdivorcedorseparatedaftertheybeginto

addresstheiradoptions.

EventhoughI’vesemi-retiredfrommyblog,Istillgetemailsfromadult

adoptees.Whatadultadopteeswhoemailmewriteissosimilaritisalmostascript.

Statementslike,Ineverreallythoughtaboutmyadoption/racialidentityuntil...

college/marriage/havingchildren.And,I'vealwaysfeltsoisolated.Mostofthese

adopteeshavegoodrelationshipswiththeiradoptiveparents.Mostofthemlove

themtodeathanddon't"regret"theiradoptions.Butallhaveincommonafeelingof

"wheredoIfitin"andasenseofambiguousloss.Manyhavewrittenthingslike,"my

worldisturningupsidedown."

Theywritetomebecauseforthefirsttime,someonehasputintowordswhat

theyhavefeltbutdidnothavethelanguagefor;orjustthatperhapstheir

experiencesresonatedwithwhatIwrote.Theseadopteesareonlyasmallfraction

ofthoseoutthere,butknowingthey'vefoundsomethingrelatablehasreinforced

mybeliefthatmyvoice,ascriticalasitcanbeattimes,isthereasonIcontinueto

speakout.

UpuntilIwas29yearsold,Iwasthat"happy,adjustedadoptee."Therewere

somethingsaboutmyadoptionexperiencethatwerenegative,andmanythatwere

positive.Ijustnevertoldanyoneaboutthenegative.Ididtheadopteeversionofthe

hustleandjiveforotherfolks.Youknow,tellingthemwhattheywantedtohear

whileinside,Iwascringingatmyownwords.Youknowwhatchanged?Imetother

Koreanadoptees.Knowwhattheysaid?They'dhadthesameexperiencesIhad

growingup;thesamethoughts,thesamefeelingofwalkingintwoworldsandfitting

inwithneither,thesameracialincidentsatschool,churchandhomes.Theywere

15 ©JaeRanKim,2011

alsotryingtofindthebalancebetweentheiradoptiveparentsandtheirown

personaljourney,andbetweenprotectingtheirparents’feelings,orbeingtrueto

theirown.

4)Theimpactofadoptionlastsalifetime–andforgenerationstocome

Humansareobsessedwiththeirpersonalhistories.Wetakegreatpridein

tracingourforefatherstotheMayflowerorapastpresidentorakingorqueen.

Witnessthenamingofsonsafterfathers(myhusbandisthethirdgenerationJohnin

hisfamily).Familynamesareimportant–Inamedoursonaftermymaternal

grandparents,descendentofOliverWolcott,whopennedhissignatureonthe

DeclarationofIndependence.Thereisawholeindustrysurroundinggenealogy;web

sitestosearch,booksoncompilingthedata,magazinesforthehomeanthropologist

onthemostbeautifulandelegantmethodofpresentation.Morethanmere

surnamesorthefamilyschnoz,wedesiretopassontothenextgenerationfamily

culture,mythology,impliedinheritedvirtues,andahistoricalcontextinwhichto

framethefamily’sjourney.IrememberbeingprettysadthinkingabouthowIhad

noabilitytopassonmyculturalheritagetomychildren.Whenmydaughterwas

about4½sheaskedwhyIdidn’tlooklikemyparentsandsiblings.Iexplainedto

herthatIwasadopted.Forawhile,mydaughter’sreactionwastoaskwhereher

“Koreangrandparents”were.ItwasdifficulttoberemindedthatIcouldn’tprovide

thatforher.

WhenIwaspregnantwithmydaughteratmyfirstprenatalcheckIhadtofill

outastandardmedicalhistorychart.UntilmypregnancyI’dneverhadareasonto

haveregularmedicalcare.Wasthereheartdiseaseorbreastcancerordiabetesin

myfamily?HadIhadchickenpoxorGermanmeasles?Iknewnothingofmy

personalmedicalhistoryfrombirthto3years.Asmybabygrewinsidemesodid

thefrequencyoffamilyhistoryissues.AtmybabyshowerIreceivedababybook

andonthesecondpage,thereitwas–twosolidpagesoffamilyhistorywaitingfor

mypentofillintheblanks.IfilledinJohn’ssideofthefamilyandmyadoptive

parentsside.Butwhatismissingsaysmoretomethananythingelse–somewhere

16 ©JaeRanKim,2011

outthereistherestofmyhistory,thefamilywhowillneverhavetheirnames

documentedinmygenealogybecauseIwillneverknowthem.

Mydaughterwasbornintheimageofherdad.Fromthebeginning,Iwas

fascinatedwithwhoshelookedlike.Didshehavemyeyes?Shehadmynose.Her

faceshapeandhaircolorweredefinitelynotlikemine.Shehadherdad’sskincolor,

eyebrowsandcurlyhair.Iassumedshewouldhavetheshockofthick,coarseinky

blackhairtypicalofAsians,notthefine,curlylightbrownhairfromherpaternal

sideofthefamily.Allmyfriendsandfamilymemberssaidittoo;shelooksjustlike

herdaddy.Thisupsetme.I’dspentmywholelifestandingout,theonlydarkheadin

familyphotographs.Iwantedmychildrentoatleastresembleme.

Anothertransracialadopteefriendofminetoldmethatrecentlyshewas

lookingatsomephotosofhertwoyoungsonswithheradoptiveparentsandit

struckherthatitjust“lookedwrong”toseehertwoKoreankidssittingonthelaps

ofherWhite,ScandinavianAmericanparents.Someadopteesbecomeso

accustomedtoseeingthemselvesinfamilyphotographsbeing“theoddone”thatit

doesn’tregister.Butforsomereason,seeingherAsianboyswiththeirwhite

grandparentstriggeredherownsenseofracialisolationandfeelingslikeshedidn’t

“fitin”withherfamily.AnotheradopteeIknowsharedthatshefeltherwhite

adoptivemother“fetishized”herbaby,reenactingtheorientalizedchildhoodshe

experienced.Sheworriedthatifherchildwasoutwithhisgrandmotherthat

strangerswouldthinkhewasadopted,andshefoundherselfshockedtofeelthat

way.

I’vehadadopteefriendssharethatthey’reworriedabouthowtobeagood

parent.Manyofmyadopteefriendsareveryanxiousparentsandareafraidthat

somethingwillhappenthatwillcausethemto“abandon”theirchild.Pregnancyand

childbirthcanbeverytriggeringforadoptees.Regulardevelopmentalmilestones

canbetriggeringaswell.Onefriendwhohasanalmost-3yearoldandisexpecting

anotherbabylaterthissummeraskedmeifitwas“normal”tobawlthedayshe

realizedherdaughterwastheageshewaswhenshewasplacedforadoption.Thisis

prettycommon,actually–IremembermyselfthedaythatIrealizedmydaughter

was14monthsold–thedayIwasfoundatthecityhallinDaegu.MY14-monthold

17 ©JaeRanKim,2011

wassaying“mama”and“dada,”sherecognizedus,shewasstartingtofeedherself

andshewaswalking.WhenIthoughtaboutmydaughterbeingleftatCityHall,it

wasunfathomable.IwastriggeredagainwhenIrealizedthatatalmostthreeyears

old,shewastheageIwaswhenIwassentonaplanefromKoreaandflown15

hourstoastrangefamilyinMinnesota.Icouldnotimaginemychildhavingtogo

throughthat.

Otherthingsthatcantriggeranadopteeparent–children’smoviesand

books,sincesomanyofthemfeatureorphansorchildrenthatareabandonedor

abused(likesomanyoftheDisneymovies.Mydaughter’spersonalfavoriteswere

AnnieandTheLandBeforeTimeaboutanorphaneddinosaur).Schoolassignments

suchastheFamilyTreedon’tgoawaywhenyou’reanadultifyouhaveachildand

theyhavetodotheassignment.Onceagain,theadopteehastodecideifthey’re

goingtosqueezeinathirdbranchifthere’snoinformation.And,onceagain,ifyour

childismultiracialyoumayhavetodealwiththequestionatschoolof“Isthatyour

mom?”orpeoplethinkingthatyou’rethenannyinsteadoftheparent.

Anotherwaythatadoptionimpactstheadopteethroughouttheirlivesand

forgenerationstocomeisdealingwithanabsenceofmedicalhistory.Since2004

theSurgeonGeneral’sofficehaspromotedFamilyMedicalHealthDayfor

Thanksgiving–whereitishopedthatfamiliessharefamilymedicalhistorybecause

itisconsideredthesinglemostimportantmedicalpreventionthatapersoncan

have.FacingunknowngenetichistoryformyselfandmychildrenisanissueI’ve

experiencedalotinthepastfiveyears.Somedevelopmentalandneurobiological

disabilitieshavestronggeneticcomponents.MysonhasAsperger’sSyndrome,

whichoftenhasageneticcomponentandmydaughterhasADHDwhichhasalso

beenfoundtoruninfamilies.Overthepastfewyearsthemedicalneedsofmykids

havemeantthatI’vebeenfillingoutcountlessmedicalhistoriesformykids’doctors

andEverySingleTimeIhavetoexplaintothephysicianwhyIdon’thaveany

medicalhistoryinformationformykidsformysideofthefamily.Notonlyisthisa

constantreminderformethatIlackthatinformationformyself,italsostressesme

outthatIcan’tpassonthatimportantmedicalinformationformychildren.

18 ©JaeRanKim,2011

IusedtoworkatanorganizationcalledMinnesotaAdoptionResource

Network.OneofmyresponsibilitieswastoanswertheinformationlineandIwas

surprisedbythenumberofphonecallsandemailsIreceivedthatwerenotfrom

adoptiveparentsbutfromadultadopteesorfrombirthfamiliesseekingadviceand

informationaboutre-connectingwitheachother.Adopteesintheir50sandolder

hadwaiteduntiltheiradoptiveparentspassedbeforetheyfelttheycouldbegina

searchandnowtheyfeareditwastoolate.OneofthemostmemorablecallsI

receivedwasfromawomaninher60swhodiscoveredafterhermotherpassed

awaythathermotherhadplacedababyforadoption.Thiswomanwantedtoknow

ifitwaspossibletofindhersister.Ialsoreceivedphonecallsfromchildrenof

adopteeswhowantedtofindtheirbirthgrandparents,eventhoughtheirparent

(theadoptee)didnotnecessarilysharethatdesire.AdoptionagenciesinKoreaare

nowseeingchildrenofKoreanadoptees,searchingforinformation.

Formanyyearsmymomhasbeenworkingonafamilygenealogy.Thispast

Christmas,mymomsharedwithmethatshehadlearnedhergreat-grannyhadbeen

adopted,likelyfromanorphantrain.Ifyou’renotfamiliarwiththeorphantrain

movement,letmegiveyouabriefhistory.From1854to1929,anestimated

200,000mostlyorphaned,abandoned,orhomelessimmigrantchildrenfromNew

YorkandotherurbancitiesintheEastwereplacedontrainsthattraveledtotowns

intheMidwest,wherefarmfamiliesandtownspeoplewouldchoosethemfor

fosteringorindenturedwork.Theterm“putupforadoption”originateswiththe

orphantrains,becausethechildrenwouldbeputuponthetrainplatformforthe

prospectivefamilytoview.Formymom,havingaquestionmarkinherownfamily

treeactuallyhelpedherunderstandalittlebetterwhyIfelttheneedtosearchfor

myownroots.I’manadvisoryboardmemberforanorganizationcalledAdoptees

HaveAnswersinMinnesotaandlastyearweputonaneventhonoringOrphanTrain

alumni.Asyoucanimaginethereareveryfewleft.Imetonemanwhose

grandmotherhadbeenadoptedfromanorphantrain.Hewassocuriousabouthis

grandmother’soriginsthathebeganaten-yearsearchtofindoutwhereshecame

fromandhowsheendedupontheorphantrainandintheendwassuccessfullyable

tofindherbirthfamily’sinformation.I’vealsometFirstNationspeoplewhohave

19 ©JaeRanKim,2011

sharedtheirstoriesaboutthedevastationtheNativeAmericanBoardingSchools

hadontheirfamiliesformultiplegenerations.Andifyouevergetthechancetosee

thefilmTheTriumveratebyJeanStrauss,youlearnthatnotonlywasJeanadopted,

bothherbirthmotherwasalsoanadoptee,andherbirthgrandmotherhadbeen

raisedinanorphanage.

I’dliketoendtodaybysharingapoembyKhalilGibranthatservesasmy

ownparentingmantra.

Yourchildrenarenotyourchildren.

TheyarethesonsanddaughtersofLife'slongingforitself.

Theycomethroughyoubutnotfromyou,

Andthoughtheyarewithyou,yettheybelongnottoyou.

Youmaygivethemyourlovebutnotyourthoughts.

Fortheyhavetheirownthoughts.

Youmayhousetheirbodiesbutnottheirsouls,

Fortheirsoulsdwellinthehouseoftomorrow,whichyoucannotvisit,notevenin

yourdreams.

Youmaystrivetobelikethem,butseeknottomakethemlikeyou.

Forlifegoesnotbackwardnortarrieswithyesterday.

Youarethebowsfromwhichyourchildrenaslivingarrowsaresentforth.

Thearcherseesthemarkuponthepathoftheinfinite,andHebendsyouwithHis

mightthatHisarrowsmaygoswiftandfar.

Letyourbendinginthearcher'shandbeforgladness;

Forevenashelovesthearrowthatflies,soHelovesalsothebowthatisstable.

Ithinkthisisabeautifulmeditationonhowtobeanengagedparent.Ilove

theideathatasaparent,Iamthebowthatsetsthecourseformychildrentoflyoff

anddiscovertheworld.ThismeansthatImustbestrongyetflexiblesothatwhenI

launchthem,they’reabletogototheirfulldistance.AndthisiswhatIwouldliketo

encourageyoutobe:strongyetflexible.Ittakesalotofstrengthtobeanadoptive

parent.Adoptiveparentshaveextrachallengesinparentingthanthoseparenting

20 ©JaeRanKim,2011

biologicalchildren.Andinalovelyway,thispoemisamodelforadoptivefamilies

andaddressesthefourmessagesIhadforyoutoday.

Firstofall,asGilbranwrote,childrenarenotobjectstobeowned–theyare

“sonsanddaughtersofLife’slongingforitself.Theycomethroughyoubutnotfrom

you.”Whileadoptedchildrenliterallydonotcomefromtheiradoptiveparentsin

thebiologicalsense,whatIloveaboutthislineisthatallchildrenareseenaspartof

alarger,extendedfamilyandcommunity.Asparentsitisagifttohavethe

opportunitytoshepherdchildrentoadulthood.

Gilbranwrites,“Youmaystrivetobelikethem,butseeknottomakethem

likeyou.Forlifegoesnotbackwardnortarrieswithyesterday.”Parentscan’terase

theirchild’spast,includingthehurtsandlosses.Buttheycansupporttheirchildren

throughtheirgrieving–howeverthatlooks–andbyusingallavailableresources

thatarenecessary.Unrealisticexpectationsareoftenplacedonadoptiveparentsto

bethetherapistandtheparentboth.Youdon’thavetobeyourchild’stherapistand

sometimesthebestwaytohelpyourchildiftheyarestrugglingwithadoption-

relatedissuesistofindtheappropriateresourcesforthem.

Themajorityofyourrelationshipwithyouradoptedchildwillbeasadults.

Gilbranwrites,“Youarethebowsfromwhichyourchildrenaslivingarrowsare

sentforth.Thearcherseesthemarkuponthepathoftheinfinite,andHebendsyou

withHismightthatHisarrowsmaygoswiftandfar.”Sendingthemoffistoughto

thinkabout.Iknowthisfirsthand.Mydaughterissoeagertobeonherownand

experiencelifeasanadult.Ofcourse,I’mmuchmorefearfulbecauseIknowhow

hardtheworldcanbe.ButIseemyjobaspreparingmykidstobecompetentin

beingindependentaswellasvaluingrelationshipsandinterconnectedness,both

withmeandwiththosetheychoosetobuildfamilieswithinthefuture.I’veoften

toldadoptiveparentsthattheirrealmarkerof“success”isnotwhethertheirchild

growsuptobean“angry”adopteeornot,butwhethertheystillwanttohavea

relationshipwithyou,andknowyou’llbetheretosupportthemintheiradoption

journey.

Anadoptee’srealidentityworkbeginslaterthanwhatthe“experts”say.

Gilbanwrote,“Youmaygivethemyourlovebutnotyourthoughts.Fortheyhave

21 ©JaeRanKim,2011

theirownthoughts…theirsoulsdwellinthehouseoftomorrow,whichyoucannot

visit,noteveninyourdreams.”Identityworkforadopteesismorecomplexthanfor

non-adoptedpersons.Adoptiveparentsneedtoacknowledgethisandremember

thattherearenotimelineexpectationsthatanadopteewill“resolve”issuesaround

identity.Infact,aswithlivingwithloss,anadopteemaybeworkingonidentityfor

theirwholelifetime.

Andfinally,weneedtorememberthattheimpactofadoptionlastsalifetime.

I’vefiguredalotoutoverthepastfourdecadesasanadoptee,butIknowthereisso

muchmoreIstillhavetodiscover.BettyJeanLifton,anauthorwhoisconsidered

oneofthefoundersoftheadultadopteemovementintheU.S.passedawaylastyear.

Eveninher90s,shewaswritingandadvocatingonbehalfofadultadoptees.

Beingadoptedislikereadingabookwiththefirstfewchaptersrippedout.It

takesawhiletofigureoutthestorywhenyouaremissingtheintroductionorfirst

fewchapters.Myfriend,LaotianadopteeandpoetBryanThaoWorra,described

beingadoptedas“alifewritteninpencil”becauseoftheconstanterasingandre-

writingwhennewinformationabouthimandhisbiologicalfamilyisdiscovered.

Adopteesarenottheonlyoneswithliveswritteninpencil,however;adoptive

parentsarealsodoingalotoferasingandre-writing.

SomeofwhatI’vesaidtodaymayhavebeendifficulttohear.Andasthis

weekcontinues,someofwhatyou’llhearfromotheradultadopteesmaybedifficult

too–orevenscary.ButIhopethatratherthanbeingfrightened,thisweekservesas

acatalystinstead,motivatingyoutoconsiderwhatmightbeaheadforyouradopted

childthroughoutyourlivestogetherasafamily,soyoucanbegintoreflectonhow

youmightaddresssomeoftheseissuesiftheycomeup.IalsohopeI’vehelpedto

normalizesomeofthecommonareasinwhichadultadopteesstrugglesothatyou

knowthatthesearenormalforanadoptee.

I’mheretoday,atPactcamp,forthesamereasonIwrotemyblog.Sincethat

dayin1999whenIsawmyselfreflectedinanotherpersonwhohadsharedsomany

experiencesasme,IknewIwasnotalone.Iwriteandspeaksootheradopteescan

knowtheyarenotalone.OneofthebiggesttragediesIthinkmanyofusadoptees

experienceisisolation.ThatiswhyPactcampissuchanimportantresourceand

22 ©JaeRanKim,2011

whyIamthrilledtoseeallofyouhere.ButPactCampisjustthebeginning.Your

kidsarestrongandcapableandsurvivors.Myhopeforeachandeveryoneofyouis

thatthisweekyou’llbegin,orcontinuetobuild,boththestrengthandtheflexibility

you’llneedtosendyourchild“swiftandfar.”