Really Bad design advice

DESIGNReally Bad

Advice

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This is a medley

of expert advice…

passed on

by the masters…

to define the quintessential

finesse of design.

Cue the drumroll...

“Always use Microsoft

Word. It is the best design

software available!”

Amazing Chunk of Advice #1

Don’t fall for the Photoshop, Illustrator,

and InDesign ruse. This software is named

after a primative manure-packed mud

brick. So un-designer-ish!

Found online design apps like Gimp, Pixlr,

and Pic Monkey? Approach with caution.

In fact, stay away! Why? They are FREE!

Which means they can’t be trusted. At

least Microsoft Word costs like $100. That

means it is real and probably better with

design stuff.

Plus, Microsoft Word works wonders with

images! …Well, I guess you wouldn’t know

that, based on the title…

“Choose exceptional stock

photography.”


Here are a few easy tips on how to pick

great stock photography. Just look for

the following trusty traits:

Choose models who are gazing off into

the distance. This prompts viewers to ask

themselves, “What were they thinking?”

Ah, here is another great example of

gazing off into the distance. Nice. Very

meditative.

It is also important to choose images

that have a very clear positive vibe. I’m

loving the enthusiastic thumbs up. This just

screams “positive”.

Also, take note of the composition. The

background models are standing in a

natural triangular formation. This ads to

the reality of the shot.

Also, the white background is a post-modern

interpretation of the reality of their clean,

steril work environment. On-site photography

just doesn’t achieve the same effect.

Next, be sure to choose the classic

handshake photo. This represents unity,

relationships and business all at once. Never

pass up this essential icon of professionalism.

An added bonus is that this composition calls

for contemplation about where the rest of the

table went and why those hands appear to

come out of nowhere. Facinating!

“Learn to mold images to

fit your needs.”


Ok. Back to Microsoft Word. We will be using

this sophisticated software to manipulate

images so that they can work in any situation,

or in this case, an ad. See as follows…

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Have a photo that needs to take up more

horizontal real estate? No problem!


Voila! An easy fix! All you have to do is

resize the image by dragging one of the

sides without holding the shift key.


The shift key maintains the proportions of the

image, so we want to make sure to avoid

that. This looks great, don’t you think?


This process works the other way around

too. If your image is just too big, you can

make it smaller.


Easy! Now let’s say you need the image to

be bigger than it is originally. That’s an easy

fix too.


Just drag out the image until it is as big as

you like. If you notice any pixelation, don’t

worry. The 8-bit pixel art look is all the rage

right now.


Just drag out the image until it is as big as

you like. If you notice any pixelation, don’t

worry. The 8-bit pixel art look is all the rage

right now.

“Make chic,

professional-looking

typography.”


Always use more than three fonts in your

design. Variety is key here. It keeps things

interesting.


In fact, make sure to use Papyrus, Comic

Sans, and Hobo. Those are the staple fonts.


Next add bright-colored gradients…


Then beveled edges…

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Then add some dark drop shadows. Lovely!

Now your typography looks professional!

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“Make your design POP!”


Now it is time to put everything together. A

photo will make this layout really POP!!!


Perfect! When you put text on top of the

photo you leave room for more stuff!!! Great!


It is important to fill in that negative space so

we aren’t wasting real estate. Eliminating

gaps in your design will also help the eye

move throughout the piece more smoothly.


Lovely! Now, we just have to make the

design POP! The best way to do this is

simple. Just make EVERYTHING bigger!!!


Fastest, easiest, safest way…

Guarenteed!!!!

As a special bonus, we will alsoinclude a cabbage chopper…

Free!

Wow! This is great! Everything really POPs!

This is a design masterpiece!

Call today and you will get the original dodecaphonicextrapolator for only $19.95!!!!Fastest, easiest, safest

way… Guarenteed!!!!

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Free!

“Most importantly of all,

always go with your

gut feeling!”


When it comes to making design decisions,

there are two fatty tissue organs that

compete for the role of top decision-maker:

…The Brain and the Gut.

Brain

&

Gut

The brain, which regulates things like facts,

know-how, creativity, principles, analysis,

and comprehension, is overrated when it

comes to making design decisions.

Brain

Brain

Design should be instinctive, so there is no

need for educated decisions here.

Gut

Instead you need to turn to the fatty

neighbor down south for help. The gut simply

knows best.

Gut

The gut is the source of both indigestion and

intuition. Gut feelings may seem whimsical,

nonsensical, bizarre, idiotic or irregular, but you

can rest assured that they are always right.

So make sure to dodge brainiac tendencies and

let the gut get things moving. You’ll be sure to

end up with a gut-feeling product.

Brain

&

Gut

The End

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Really Bad design advice

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