Parenting Workshop Parenting Workshop Adolescent Hood Adolescent Hood Part II Part II Mary Ann Bishay Mary Ann Bishay [email protected] [email protected]
Dec 27, 2015
Parenting WorkshopParenting WorkshopAdolescent HoodAdolescent Hood
Part IIPart II
Mary Ann BishayMary Ann Bishay
[email protected]@yahoo.com
When conflict arises remember…LOVE
Lay your problem at God’s feet, pray
Observe and listen: balance how much you talk with how much they talk
Validate their feelings/frustrations
Establish whether this is a good time to
discuss the issue
What teens look for….C.A.R.T.What teens look for….C.A.R.T.
CCareare
AAcceptancecceptance
RRespect espect
TTrustrust
Communication TipsCommunication Tips
Don’t interrogate or lectureDon’t interrogate or lecture They are not on the witness standThey are not on the witness stand Teenagers are very sensitive to intensive Teenagers are very sensitive to intensive
questioning and tend to withdraw when questioning and tend to withdraw when pressed pressed
If you have serious questions that must be If you have serious questions that must be answered, pick only the most important answered, pick only the most important ones to ask ones to ask
Communication TipsCommunication Tips
Balance how much you talk with how Balance how much you talk with how much your teen talks much your teen talks
Don’t bring up past grievances, or faults Don’t bring up past grievances, or faults that they have done that they have done If it was in the past, keep it there. If it was in the past, keep it there.
What the Bible Tells Us About What the Bible Tells Us About CommunicationCommunication
So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; (James 1:19). (James 1:19).
Talk to your children not yell at themTalk to your children not yell at them
Communication is more than just talk. Jesus Communication is more than just talk. Jesus said that “out of the heart’s abundance the said that “out of the heart’s abundance the mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45). mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45). So through good communication, we learn from So through good communication, we learn from
others and reveal things about ourselves. others and reveal things about ourselves.
RulesRules
Teenagers don’t want to live in a home Teenagers don’t want to live in a home without rules.without rules.
Parents’ job to encourage them and help Parents’ job to encourage them and help them become young men and women God them become young men and women God created them to be.created them to be.
Implementing rules with more than one Implementing rules with more than one childchild
DisciplineDiscipline
Consistency is key Consistency is key
The goal of discipline is not to punish but The goal of discipline is not to punish but to teach responsibility. to teach responsibility.
What Does God say About What Does God say About Discipline?Discipline?
““Live in sadness and grief” - 1Samuel 2 Live in sadness and grief” - 1Samuel 2
““My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, Nor detest His correction; For whom the LORD loves He Nor detest His correction; For whom the LORD loves He corrects, Just as a father the son corrects, Just as a father the son in whomin whom he delights.” he delights.” Proverbs 3:11-12 Proverbs 3:11-12
““Chasten your son while there is hope, And do not set Chasten your son while there is hope, And do not set your heart on his destruction.” Proverbs 19:18 your heart on his destruction.” Proverbs 19:18
What Does God say About What Does God say About Discipline?Discipline?
““If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten?” Hebrews 12:7 chasten?” Hebrews 12:7
““Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11 trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11
Discipline Leads to Self ControlDiscipline Leads to Self Control
““Now no chastening seems to be joyful for Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11)trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11)
Strict and Abusive DisciplineStrict and Abusive Discipline
Depressed and guilty childrenDepressed and guilty children
Does not help them grow emotionally or Does not help them grow emotionally or psychologicallypsychologically
Causes low self worthCauses low self worth
Don’t Rely On GuiltDon’t Rely On Guilt
Severe damageSevere damage
Don’t remind them constantly of the Don’t remind them constantly of the sacrifices you’re making for themsacrifices you’re making for them
Self esteemSelf esteem
Adverse effects in other relationships Adverse effects in other relationships
Guide, Don’t ControlGuide, Don’t Control
Remember the goalRemember the goal
““But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:23)there is no law.” (Galatians 5:23) That is the goal to have them be able to self That is the goal to have them be able to self
control, not have parent controlcontrol, not have parent control
Spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline Spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline
Guide, Don’t ControlGuide, Don’t Control
God disciplines those he loves, just as a father God disciplines those he loves, just as a father disciplines his childrendisciplines his children
Hebrews 12:5-10 Hebrews 12:5-10
He also says that not disciplining a child is an act of He also says that not disciplining a child is an act of hatred and not love.hatred and not love.
He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly. (Proverbs 13:24)him promptly. (Proverbs 13:24)
Guide, Don’t ControlGuide, Don’t Control
Anytime you help a child with something he Anytime you help a child with something he could complete on his own, you slow his could complete on his own, you slow his progress toward autonomy progress toward autonomy
Ask questions to direct them toward reasonable Ask questions to direct them toward reasonable courses of actioncourses of action
Use your instincts when deciding whether to Use your instincts when deciding whether to help your children function more independently help your children function more independently or persuade them to make certain decisions or persuade them to make certain decisions
Pick your battles!Pick your battles!
Tips For Negotiating Rules and Tips For Negotiating Rules and DecisionsDecisions
1.1. Keep it dynamicKeep it dynamic
2.2. Start shifting the power from you to himStart shifting the power from you to him
3.3. Provide options for her to choose within Provide options for her to choose within a set of parametersa set of parameters
Tips For Negotiating Rules and Tips For Negotiating Rules and DecisionsDecisions
4.4. Know where your boundary lines are, and Know where your boundary lines are, and keep these clear in your head and in your keep these clear in your head and in your child's headchild's head
5.5. Have clearer and fewer rules Have clearer and fewer rules
6.6. Build rules with respectBuild rules with respect
The Critical PointThe Critical Point
It’s the process by which we arrive at decisions It’s the process by which we arrive at decisions and enforce our rules that is the goldand enforce our rules that is the gold
If teens have a say in the rules and decisions If teens have a say in the rules and decisions they will be more apt to follow and obey them they will be more apt to follow and obey them because they are not be forced upon thembecause they are not be forced upon them
It gives them ownership and it also works on It gives them ownership and it also works on your communication with one another, as well as your communication with one another, as well as problem solving together as a familyproblem solving together as a family
PunishmentPunishment
Does not promote or strengthen any Does not promote or strengthen any behavior behavior
It may promote different kind of rewards to It may promote different kind of rewards to your child your child
Reinforcing certain behaviorsReinforcing certain behaviors Use action based punishments to help Use action based punishments to help
them learn from their errors them learn from their errors
PunishmentPunishment
Punishment should be used sparingly and wiselyPunishment should be used sparingly and wisely
And you, fathers, do not provoke your children And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Two Steps Forward, Three Steps BackBack
Shaping BehaviorShaping Behavior
1.1. ReinforcementReinforcement
2.2. ModelingModeling
ReinforcementReinforcement
Positive reinforcement is the first way to Positive reinforcement is the first way to shape your child’s behaviorshape your child’s behavior
Reinforcement strengthens or increases Reinforcement strengthens or increases the behavior to occur morethe behavior to occur more
Research indicates that there is no Research indicates that there is no better or more effective way to change better or more effective way to change behavior.behavior.
ModelingModeling
The frontal lobes in your kid’s head are The frontal lobes in your kid’s head are open to copying behaviors that are put open to copying behaviors that are put before him, particularly from role modelsbefore him, particularly from role models
You are the most powerful role model You are the most powerful role model available to your teen available to your teen
They observe you in different scenariosThey observe you in different scenarios
ModelingModeling
Being a Positive Role ModelBeing a Positive Role Model
Talking Talking
Spending time with them Spending time with them
Practice what you preachPractice what you preach
What This Means to YouWhat This Means to You
Establishing a good code of conduct is importantEstablishing a good code of conduct is important Sit down as a couple and establish some ground Sit down as a couple and establish some ground
rules rules Stay calm. Stay calm. Choose your words. Choose your words. Express yourself clearly and appropriately. Express yourself clearly and appropriately. Model apologizing and forgiving (when kids see Model apologizing and forgiving (when kids see
their parents fight, they should also see them their parents fight, they should also see them make up — and not days later) make up — and not days later)
Being a Positive Role ModelBeing a Positive Role Model
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart; you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” (Deuteronomy 6:5-7)
Family Devotion TimeFamily Devotion Time
FDT FDT An occasion for family prayersAn occasion for family prayers Time to discuss and communicate with Time to discuss and communicate with
one anotherone another Should not be time to argue Should not be time to argue Time to enjoy one another’s companyTime to enjoy one another’s company Problems should not be brought up, no Problems should not be brought up, no
criticism whatsoever!criticism whatsoever!
Parents Relationships With One Parents Relationships With One AnotherAnother
Parents must operate as a teamParents must operate as a team
Your relationship with one another affects Your relationship with one another affects your childyour child
Being a solid foundation
“and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock. (Matthew 7:25).
Feuding ParentsFeuding Parents New research shows that kids who New research shows that kids who
constantly see their parents bicker may be constantly see their parents bicker may be more apt to have problems in schoolmore apt to have problems in school
Feel home environment is not secureFeel home environment is not secure Increased risk for things like:Increased risk for things like:
Anxiety Anxiety Depression Depression Aggression Aggression Trouble interacting with their peers Trouble interacting with their peers
What This Means To You What This Means To You
Stay calmStay calm Choose your wordsChoose your words Express yourself clearly and appropriatelyExpress yourself clearly and appropriately Model apologizing and forgivingModel apologizing and forgiving No hitting, pushing, or threatening. No hitting, pushing, or threatening. No name-calling (even if it's jokingly). No name-calling (even if it's jokingly). No making broad generalizations (this is called No making broad generalizations (this is called
"globalizing"), like "This always happens" or "globalizing"), like "This always happens" or "You never help me." "You never help me."
What This Means To YouWhat This Means To You
No leaving unless you both agree to take a No leaving unless you both agree to take a break or a "time-out" from the conversation break or a "time-out" from the conversation (time-outs can help grown-ups, too). (time-outs can help grown-ups, too).
If your kids are around and watching (or hearing) If your kids are around and watching (or hearing) you squabble, it's also wise to add these other you squabble, it's also wise to add these other no-no's to your fighting rule book:no-no's to your fighting rule book:
No yelling. No yelling. No cursing. No cursing. Don't involve your kids in your disagreements or Don't involve your kids in your disagreements or
expect them to take sides. expect them to take sides.
What This Means To YouWhat This Means To You
Also avoid exposing your kids to Also avoid exposing your kids to arguments about adults-only topics arguments about adults-only topics
Problems are learning opportunitiesProblems are learning opportunities Kids need to know that it's never their fault Kids need to know that it's never their fault Make sure your children understand that Make sure your children understand that
even if you fight, you still love each other even if you fight, you still love each other How parents react to conflicts often lays How parents react to conflicts often lays
the foundation for how children deal with the foundation for how children deal with others others
Team building techniquesTeam building techniques
Date your spouseDate your spouse
Support your partner Support your partner
Keep your sense of humor Keep your sense of humor
Single Parenting: The Toughest Single Parenting: The Toughest Job You’ll Ever Have!Job You’ll Ever Have!
What You Can DoWhat You Can Do
Take care of yourselfTake care of yourself
Build a community of friends, co-workers, Build a community of friends, co-workers, church members, support groups, church members, support groups,
and other single parentsand other single parents
Let your child know that you love him Let your child know that you love him or her, both in words and actionor her, both in words and action
What You Can DoWhat You Can Do
Set a good exampleSet a good example
Talk with your teenTalk with your teen
Involve your child in decision-makingInvolve your child in decision-making
Develop routines and family traditions and ritualsDevelop routines and family traditions and rituals
Spend time with your child Spend time with your child each dayeach day
What You Can DoWhat You Can Do
Don't overindulge your childDon't overindulge your child
Don't take your anger, anxieties, Don't take your anger, anxieties, frustrations, or personal problems out frustrations, or personal problems out on your childon your child
What You Can DoWhat You Can Do
Don't say negative thingsDon't say negative things
Don't confideDon't confide
Remember that there is no such thing Remember that there is no such thing as a perfect parentas a perfect parent
10 Commandments For Parents10 Commandments For Parents1. Thou shall use Thy Heavenly Father as Thy parental model1. Thou shall use Thy Heavenly Father as Thy parental model2. Thou shall love thy child with all thine heart2. Thou shall love thy child with all thine heart3. Thou shall provide a nurturing place for thy child to grow3. Thou shall provide a nurturing place for thy child to grow4. Thou shall become and stay involved4. Thou shall become and stay involved5. Thou shall have a positive attitude toward thy child5. Thou shall have a positive attitude toward thy child6. Thou Shall learn the art of listening with thy child6. Thou Shall learn the art of listening with thy child7. Thou shall not fear conflict with thy child7. Thou shall not fear conflict with thy child8. Thou shall choose wisely when to approach thy children8. Thou shall choose wisely when to approach thy children9. Thou shall not lecture, interrogate, or threaten thy child9. Thou shall not lecture, interrogate, or threaten thy child10. Thou shall not use guilt against thy child10. Thou shall not use guilt against thy child