Parenting Workshop Adolescent Hood Part II Mary Ann Bishay [email protected]

Parenting WorkshopAdolescent HoodPart IIMary Ann [email protected]

When conflict arises rememberLOVELay your problem at Gods feet, pray Observe and listen: balance how much you talk with how much they talkValidate their feelings/frustrationsEstablish whether this is a good time to discuss the issue

What teens look for.C.A.R.T.CareAcceptanceRespect Trust

Communication TipsDont interrogate or lectureThey are not on the witness standTeenagers are very sensitive to intensive questioning and tend to withdraw when pressed If you have serious questions that must be answered, pick only the most important ones to ask

Communication TipsBalance how much you talk with how much your teen talks

Dont bring up past grievances, or faults that they have done If it was in the past, keep it there.

What the Bible Tells Us About CommunicationSo then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; (James 1:19).

Talk to your children not yell at them

Communication is more than just talk. Jesus said that out of the hearts abundance the mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45). So through good communication, we learn from others and reveal things about ourselves.

RulesTeenagers dont want to live in a home without rules.

Parents job to encourage them and help them become young men and women God created them to be.

Implementing rules with more than one child

Discipline Consistency is key

The goal of discipline is not to punish but to teach responsibility.

What Does God say About Discipline?Live in sadness and grief - 1Samuel 2

My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, Nor detest His correction; For whom the LORD loves He corrects, Just as a father the son in whom he delights. Proverbs 3:11-12

Chasten your son while there is hope, And do not set your heart on his destruction. Proverbs 19:18

What Does God say About Discipline?If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? Hebrews 12:7

Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11

Discipline Leads to Self Control

Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:11)

Strict and Abusive DisciplineDepressed and guilty children Does not help them grow emotionally or psychologically

Causes low self worth

Dont Rely On GuiltSevere damage

Dont remind them constantly of the sacrifices youre making for them Self esteem

Adverse effects in other relationships

Guide, Dont ControlRemember the goal

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:23) That is the goal to have them be able to self control, not have parent control

Spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline

Guide, Dont ControlGod disciplines those he loves, just as a father disciplines his childrenHebrews 12:5-10

He also says that not disciplining a child is an act of hatred and not love.He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly. (Proverbs 13:24)

Guide, Dont ControlAnytime you help a child with something he could complete on his own, you slow his progress toward autonomy

Ask questions to direct them toward reasonable courses of action

Use your instincts when deciding whether to help your children function more independently or persuade them to make certain decisions

Pick your battles!

Tips For Negotiating Rules and DecisionsKeep it dynamic

Start shifting the power from you to him

Provide options for her to choose within a set of parameters

Tips For Negotiating Rules and DecisionsKnow where your boundary lines are, and keep these clear in your head and in your child's headHave clearer and fewer rules

Build rules with respect

The Critical PointIts the process by which we arrive at decisions and enforce our rules that is the gold

If teens have a say in the rules and decisions they will be more apt to follow and obey them because they are not be forced upon them

It gives them ownership and it also works on your communication with one another, as well as problem solving together as a family

Punishment Does not promote or strengthen any behavior It may promote different kind of rewards to your child Reinforcing certain behaviorsUse action based punishments to help them learn from their errors

Punishment Punishment should be used sparingly and wisely

And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4

Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back

Shaping Behavior

Reinforcement

Modeling

ReinforcementPositive reinforcement is the first way to shape your childs behaviorReinforcement strengthens or increases the behavior to occur moreResearch indicates that there is no better or more effective way to change behavior.

ModelingThe frontal lobes in your kids head are open to copying behaviors that are put before him, particularly from role models

You are the most powerful role model available to your teen

They observe you in different scenarios

Modeling

Being a Positive Role ModelTalking

Spending time with them

Practice what you preach

What This Means to YouEstablishing a good code of conduct is importantSit down as a couple and establish some ground rules Stay calm. Choose your words. Express yourself clearly and appropriately. Model apologizing and forgiving (when kids see their parents fight, they should also see them make up and not days later)

Being a Positive Role ModelYou shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart; you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. (Deuteronomy 6:5-7)

Family Devotion TimeFDT An occasion for family prayersTime to discuss and communicate with one anotherShould not be time to argue Time to enjoy one anothers companyProblems should not be brought up, no criticism whatsoever!

Parents Relationships With One AnotherParents must operate as a team

Your relationship with one another affects your child

Being a solid foundationand the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock. (Matthew 7:25).

Feuding ParentsNew research shows that kids who constantly see their parents bicker may be more apt to have problems in schoolFeel home environment is not secureIncreased risk for things like:Anxiety Depression Aggression Trouble interacting with their peers

What This Means To You Stay calmChoose your wordsExpress yourself clearly and appropriatelyModel apologizing and forgivingNo hitting, pushing, or threatening. No name-calling (even if it's jokingly). No making broad generalizations (this is called "globalizing"), like "This always happens" or "You never help me."

What This Means To YouNo leaving unless you both agree to take a break or a "time-out" from the conversation (time-outs can help grown-ups, too). If your kids are around and watching (or hearing) you squabble, it's also wise to add these other no-no's to your fighting rule book:No yelling. No cursing. Don't involve your kids in your disagreements or expect them to take sides.

What This Means To YouAlso avoid exposing your kids to arguments about adults-only topics Problems are learning opportunitiesKids need to know that it's never their fault Make sure your children understand that even if you fight, you still love each other How parents react to conflicts often lays the foundation for how children deal with others

Team building techniques

Date your spouse

Support your partner

Keep your sense of humor

Single Parenting: The Toughest Job Youll Ever Have!

What You Can DoTake care of yourself

Build a community of friends, co-workers, church members, support groups, and other single parents

Let your child know that you love him or her, both in words and action

What You Can DoSet a good example

Talk with your teen

Involve your child in decision-making

Develop routines and family traditions and rituals

Spend time with your child each day

What You Can DoDon't overindulge your child

Don't take your anger, anxieties, frustrations, or personal problems out on your child

What You Can DoDon't say negative things

Don't confide

Remember that there is no such thing as a perfect parent

10 Commandments For Parents1. Thou shall use Thy Heavenly Father as Thy parental model2. Thou shall love thy child with all thine heart3. Thou shall provide a nurturing place for thy child to grow4. Thou shall become and stay involved5. Thou shall have a positive attitude toward thy child6. Thou Shall learn