Parenting Children Who Are Strong Willed David Causey, Ph.D. Clinical Child Psychologist 502-896-2606 [email protected] Square One: Specialists in.

Parenting Children Who Are Strong Willed

David Causey, Ph.D.

Clinical Child Psychologist

502-896-2606

[email protected]

Square One: Specialists in Child and Adolescent Development

Group Hypnosis for Parents of Children Who Are Strong Willed

David Causey, Ph.D.

Clinical Child Psychologist

Square One: Specialists in Child and Adolescent Development

Support Groups for Parents of Children Who Are Strong Willed

1-800-AAA-AHHH!!!

www.AAAAHHH!.com

Most Common Characteristics

• Inflexible

• Stubborn

• Persistent

• Insistent

• Demanding

• Argumentative

• Low Frustration Tolerance

Other Characteristics

• Perfectionist• Need for instant gratification• Controlling• Reactive• Moody• Self-centered• Contrary

Positive Characteristics Often Described by Parents

• Charming

• Helpful

• Smart

• Determined

• Loving

• Inquisitive

• Eager to please

What Makes Parenting Them So Challenging?

• Emotionally draining

• Frustrating

• Inconvenient

• Disruptive to family life

• Simple becomes complicated

• No obvious reason for behaviors

Temperament

Determines how we interact with the world around us, which then reflects how we cope. Coping is defined as any response to perceived threat, change, stress, or DISAPPOINTMENT. Types of coping may include: problem solving, support seeking, avoidant coping, emotion focused coping, or aggressive.

Temperament

• Emotional versus Logical

• Rigid versus Adaptable

• Controlling versus Compromising

What’s Behind the Frustration?

(Internally)

Sad / Disappointed Worried / Nervous Embarrassed

Frustrated (Externally)

Issues that contribute to strong-willed behaviors

• Temperament!!!

• Compromised coping skills

• Medical Concerns

• Sleep Disorders

• Environmental Stressors

• Disrupted Attachment

• Regulatory / Psychological Problems

Regulatory / Psychological Problems

• Mood reactivity• Depression / irritability• Anxiety • Obsessive• Impulse control• Sensory Integration • Processing problems• Oppositional Defiant

WHY? – The myths

• They want to make your life miserable

• They must have their way

• They can’t help it

• They just care about themselves

• They’re spoiled

• Poor parenting caused it

WHY?!!!

• Need to feel in control

• Internal discomfort not regulated

• Internal alarm and agitation supersedes logic, common sense, or good coping

• Instant gratification

Impact on the child?

• Lowers self esteem

• Perceived frustration of others

• Compromised ability to problem solve

• Heightened sensitivity to correction

Impact on others?

• May resent the child

• Disruption to family life

• Parent self esteem and “efficacy”

Adult Issues That Escalate or Reinforce Strong Willed Behavior

• The adult’s mood at that moment

• Feeling helpless or ineffective

• Expectations – Anticipate Conflict.

• Not being prepared for managing the situations.

What makes it worse?

• Too quick to say “no”• Quick to anticipate a conflict• Quick to raise voice or yell • Coercive Process• Interpret behavior as intentional• Don’t set limits when necessary• Too strict with limits-can’t follow through• Indulge to “keep the peace”

Goals of intervention:

• Short-term – some immediate relief of conflict

• Long term: – parent feels empowered and effective– Child develops better self-regulation and

compliance– Conflict is significantly reduced

Best Intervention:

Prevention!!!

1) Floor Time

• Schedule 20 minutes several times a week to be with your child

• Let them pick the activity

• Let them be “in charge” of it

• Be a spectator or participant, but do not direct the activity unless invited to by child

2) Behavior Blueprint• Make a list of common conflicts• Evaluate how you will view these issues in the

future (Ross Green – ABC basket)• Evaluate the importance of “winning” or

confronting these issues

- Preference versus Requirement• Decide on a specific plan for how you will handle

these issues in the future

2) Behavior Blueprint• Have an action plan - practice or rehearse: specific

issues and/or situations, preference or requirement, how to respond, consequences

• *Consider including your child to decide how certain issues should be handled

• “Firm Flexibility” – adult must be firm, clear, and consistent while ALSO being flexible, supportive, and

collaborative with the child when appropriate.

Frustration

0 1 2 3

3) Make schedule if needed

• Add predictability to the day and maybe give them a say about it

4) Simple Incentive Plan• Set a simple goal with your child such as:

“accept no without arguing”, “be respectful”, etc.

• Earn tokens in a jar

• Earn privileges or reward

• Never take away tokens that are earned

Look for the Positive

Positive Attention Things (PATs)

INTERVENTION

When prevention isn’t enough…

In the moment• Try to avoid a critical or judgmental tone of voice when a

request is made or a potential conflict occurs

• Take time to consider the request before giving an answer – “I need to take a few minutes to think about that.” (Tell your child in advance that you will be doing this from now on)

• Consider your child’s underlying stress or anxiety level

• Remember: Is this issue a “preference” or a “requirement” for you as the parent?

Request Form• List the request and give some details:

• Why I think this is an OK request and why it could work:

• Why I think mom and/or dad might say “no” to this request:

• What might be a fair compromise:

• PARENT RESPONSE:

Rules for Request Form

• -If a request is made, the parent tells the child to fill out a request form OR the child may decide to go ahead and fill out the request form right away.

• -Child completes the request form and gives it to the parent

• -Child must give the parent time to review and respond to the request

• -Parent must provide an answer and give reasons for the answer or provide a temporary reason to wait (such as I need to talk with your mom/dad about this request).

• -***The answer still may end up being given a “NO”• -Child must review the parents response alone• -Then the parent and child can discuss

Discipline

• 1-2-3 Magic Approach (Phelan)

• “All or none privileges” approach

• Level system

Parenting Children Who Are Strong Willed

David Causey, Ph.D.

Clinical Child Psychologist

502-896-2606

[email protected]

Square One: Specialists in Child and Adolescent Development