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Night Fever Night Fever

Apr 06, 2016

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Page 1: Night Fever Night Fever

night fever

night fever

night fever! night fever.

Page 2: Night Fever Night Fever

Calpurnia Cooper—(500BC-2018) was born and fed in Prebbleton, New Zealand. She quickly abandoned her family to write some of the greatest Russian novels of this century. None of her major works were writ-ten during her lifetime. She is described as “queasy to get along with” and currently resides in Hope Bros under a table.

Stumpy Lamb– people have described her as “a city that always sleeps”. She loves to travel and hang out with her cat, but she prefers her cat travelling if she’s being totally honest. “Who?” - Her mother “Oh her, yeah she’s alright.” - Her mother “I only travel to get away if I’m being totally honest” - Her cat

About the editors:

Page 3: Night Fever Night Fever

night fever

night fever

Wise words for this week’s episode:

“Fool me once,

shame on you,

fool me twice,

shame on me,

fool me three times,

MAGIC”

CONTENTS

Saturday Séance……………………………………..1

Investigative Journalism……………………………….2

Art Review………………………………………...3

Fashion………………………………………….5

Feature Article—Wellington’s Number One Drinking

Fountain…………………………………………...7

Horoscopes…………………………………………10

Who’s Your Dead Boyfriend?

Quiz……………………74

Fine Dining……………………………….whatever

Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat

1 2 3 4

5 6 7 8 9 10 11

12 13 14 15 16 17 18

19 20 21 22 23 24 25

26 27 28 29 30 31

Events—October 2014

What’s happening this month

at night fever

night fever?

Not much!

For complaints, enquiries, proposals, beauty tips, thoughts email us at

[email protected]

(nightfevernightfever was already taken) :-(

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On a dark and stormy and pumping Saturday night, two curious young women who had attempted to set up a book club with Lady Chatterly’s Lover as the first on the reading list decided that a séance with the author, D.H “Herby” Lawrence”, would be a great way of gaining even more literary insight. (They didn’t

even finish the book.)

S: Do you have candles

C: What?

C: No

S: You don’t have candles?

C: What

C: Oh I thought you said jandals

S and C: [laughs]

C: My roommate probably does, I will have a look [goes

through roommate’s property]

S: [laughs]

1 hour later:

S: [still laughing]

S and C set up appropriate séance paraphernalia in an amateur, unsure fashion, regretting that C does not have internet and they can’t google

things

C: D.H. Lawrence, would you like to

speak to us?

[outside wind howls and squeaks]

D.H: No [laughs]

S and C drink cheap wine and make up an encounter with the spirit of

D.H Lawrence

S: What’s your view on the current Crimean crisis? [S and C laugh, Herby called orgasms ‘crises’ in his

books

D: I think it will have implications for the relationships between sons

and mothers

S: What?

D.H: What? Nothing.

C: Who would rather, Shakira or

Beyonce?

D.H: Which one of you is Shakira and which one is Beyonce I was-n’t listening when you introduced

yourselves

S and C: [laughs]

D.H: I’m not really interested in either to be honest, is there an-

other option

S and C: [stop laughing]

S: Biggest regret?

D.H: Mainly writing books, but I also regret not living to the 80s, the hairstyles would have suited me. Also my wife. Actually just

my wife.

C: Why?

D.H: My hair had lots of volume, it deflated after we got am-arried which would have ruined

me in the 80s

S: What’s the afterlife like Mr

Lawrence?

D.H : Please, call me D. Herb or

Herby.

S and C laugh.

D.H : Um yeah the afterlife is all

good, don’t worry about it guys.

C and S feel a great sense of relief as the fear of death is

lifted from their shoulders

D.H : Unless you listen to Taylor Swift, not Ironically, then it’s a

bad bad time.

The house shudders as outside the wind howls, sounding not too

unlike a Taylor Swift song.

C: I think we all learnt something

today.

Saturday Séance w/ d.h. lawrence

Do you think Herby had good hair? Email us your thoughts at

[email protected] !

Page 5: Night Fever Night Fever

night fever

night fever

Wind. It’s worse than checking your bank

balance.

When I was an ankle biter (gross. nostal-gia) I was convinced that the wind was ghosts. A cold, chilling invisible force that terrorises your hair, skirts, and ice cream, making you ramp up your lick rate to stay in equilibrium with the demonic force rush-ing past you. You can’t see it, but it makes you shiver and go all goosebumpy. It makes things bang in the night. Occasion-ally it howls in an unearthly manner. It is uncannily like your classic spirit of the dead, tormenting the blind, ignorant living for all of eternity. Was I a child genius? Did my innocent eyes see winds true, mali-

cious nature? Probs.

Wind ‘allegedly’ is an essential cog of the large scale cycle that makes up Life. Its lawyers claim it does important, life cy-clely things like scatter pollen, which makes forests, flowers and shrubberies grow, it wears down rocks, like a middle class job, until they are unrecognisable shapes often cynical and looking forward to death. It sometimes cleans the deck for you. Ok, yes, wind does do those things, but scattering pollen? That could be done by introducing a social obligation in which everyone in the world picks up a flower and shakes it ten meters away from where they got it from. Easy solutions. Re shaping earth geological features? Everyone just

take cue from the bible and marry a geologi-cal feature then wear down with your own bitter resentment, a natural bi-product of being in the same vicinity with the same person for too long ( see families.) I also will report to the mothers of the world, that the winds so called ‘cleaning’ actually just consists of it moving and hiding things in a spot not immediately obvious to the eye. Yes, the wind is your teenage son of

cleaning.

God I hate it. If you can’t already tell, I left the house this morning, dressed for the day that my stupid eyes had prepared me for. Fluffy white clouds, crayon blue sky, gleaming patches of sunlight that would make a third rate vampire twinkle. Yet as soon as I leave the house, I real-ize I have made a terrible mistake, one that I am probably doomed to repeat all summer. It is as cold as fuck, the wind is whipping around me, bringing with it supernatural chill and a rise in my blood pressure. I had promised my body glorious warmth and instead we will soak in ice tinted wind. And I hate disappointing my body , I already let it down in so many ways, it seems the least I could do for the slightly over-

weight, toxin filled thing, is keep it warm.

Some people, like my mother and everybody else’s mother, might say something along the lines of “Take a jacket, dick head.” No! The way the weather works is it freezes you as solid as Walt Disney, but the second you de-clare war on it with a last season’s jacket , the

dumb old sun makes you too hot.

Some people might suggest that living in a city , regarded as one of the windiest cities in the world, is a poor idea, and perhaps I should leave. Again , No! You can’t run a way from your problems. Your problems are Usain Bolt , you are you! They will catch you up and break sprint records! Have you never watched any day time telly? Turn and face those problems,

head on, like a man with groomed facial hair!

Solution: If you can’t beat them , join them. Kill

yourself and become a ghost / wind!.

Investigative Journalism - Wind Woes

Page 6: Night Fever Night Fever

In review: City Art Gallery

Hailed as the cornerstone of Wellington’s art scene, the City Gallery this week debuted an-other critically acclaimed exhib-it. We sent our team of art ex-

perts down to check it out:

Immediately upon entry, an artist approached us and re-quested that we surrender our backpacks and coats—we were shocked! Although we were prepared for controver-sial avant-garde pieces, to be confronted so early on threw us

off! Upon debaggaging our items, I felt my own personal baggage lightening which I found worrying and alarming. We left the piece with bewil-dered looks towards the artist, whose face remained an unex-pressionless thank you. What an

actor!

The second piece we came across, Untitled, appeared to be an interactive installation. We were unsure as to the na-ture of the interaction itself, until we observed another par-ty of viewers. It seems that you are meant to become part of the installation by placing your

rear on the top of the object, and let it support your weight, or “sit” as we were told by the helpful gallery guide. We proceeded to “sit”, but we still

didn’t get it.

After this disappointing piece, we made our way to the next in the exhibit, yet another Un-titled piece. We believe the piece was a kinetic sculpture of some sort, about the size of a large cat. There were under-lying tones of industry—

perhaps a critique of neo-capitalism, but the overpower-ing theme was that of the fick-le nature of humankind, ex-pressed through a series of blinking lights and occasional,

very quiet, “whoosh” noises.

Mentally tired from the crea-tive demands the pieces, we decided to conclude our trip to the City Gallery. We were surprised to find that our jour-

ney was not as over as we had thought! Before leaving, the first artist that had approached us, approached us once again and asked us if we would like our bags and coats back. Wow! We could not believe it! A com-plete reversal of the original performance piece! How de-lightfully unexpected! We looked at each other in awe, and congratulated the artist many times over as she pro-ceeded to hand to us first our coats, and then our bags. She remained completely modest—

slightly confused even, at the praise we were giving her, as if she was unaware at her high

artistic merit.

So if modesty and masterpiec-es are what you are looking for—the City Art Gallery is the

place for you.

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night fever

night fever

Page 8: Night Fever Night Fever

FASHION (beep beep)

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Yeowch! Mamma mia! Ravioli Ravioli give me the formioli! We just can’t get enough of

blogger/student/dairy product enthusiast Charlotte’s evening look.

“I just love being able to express my spirituality through my clothes. When I’m not blog-ging, I love going to my favourite hidden Wellington clothes stores, Recycle Boutique and

Kmart.

Recycle offers sub-standard tacky clothing at obscene prices, which is great for people like myself who are after that sense of expensive homelessness. And Kmart, well it’s

Kmart! But shh! Don’t tell everyone!”

The Icelandic—Japanese Gypsy Wanderer

Page 10: Night Fever Night Fever

mags and every move it makes subjected

to intense media scrutiny.

“I think at first I felt like I had to personally every criticism that came my way, and sometimes I would think if it was all worth it, you know?” WDF lets out a tired dribble of water. “And then you realize its all just part of the job and people are going to have something new to talk about next week, I keep the same friends around me that I did before all this and they don’t let

it get to my head.”

WDF knows that it’s talking about, back in 2011 a feud with the Moore Wilson’s drinking fountain rotated the rumour mill, things got ugly with both sides taking pot-shots in the media, now howeverthat’s all in

the past, WDF insists.

"God! That was so long ago!" It's 11am on a sunny Wellington morning and Wellington's number one drinking foun-tain is reminiscing over a photo shoot it did for Woman’s Weekly before hitting

the big time.

“I had no idea what I was doing back then… I can’t say too much has changed.” Wellington’s number one drinking fountain is being modest of course, dressed down for our interview, its natural good looks still make it in-stantly recognisable to a group of Ger-

man tourists who ask for a photograph.

Does it get tiring? Since being crowned WN1DF in 2010, WDF has been a con-stant in the media spotlight, its personal and private life splashed across gossip

FEATURE Living Life in the Fast Stream— we talk to Wellington’s Number One Drinking Fountain

The verdict is in—it’s number one!

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“It was blown way out of proportion, we are actually good friends, MWDF sent me the sweetest text the other day, and I

really admire their work.”

So success hasn’t changed WDF?

“At the end of the day it’s just a job, it’s one I love and I’m so lucky to be doing it, but I think modesty and staying humble is

key.”

True to its word, WDF was recently in-volved in a charity program which raises

awareness of three legged dogs.

“People need to be aware, they’re quite

gross.”

So what’s next for WDF?

“There are a couple of things in the pipe-line that I can’t wait to share, I think the

fans are going to love it.”

Can you tell us more? WDF gives its trade-

mark water spurt.

“Not yet! I’m retaining water on this one!”

The future looks bright for this unstoppable

water fountain doesn’t it?

“Well never say never, but things are

good,”

WDF has the look of a fountain contented

to be at the top of its game,

“Thing are looking real good.”

Catch Wellingtons number one drinking fountain in action 24/7 at its home outside

the City Art Gallery.

Page 12: Night Fever Night Fever

Can you find Steve Buscemi?

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night fever

night fever

TAURUS

Be warned! The orbit of the moon means

your step-dad is going to find out you stole

that 20 bucks out of his wallet. He will use

this as an emotional weapon over you and

further the distance between you and your

mum. Stupid moon.

CAPRICORN

Giiirll! The presence of Saturn means you

are going to dribble 5x the socially

acceptable amount of wine down your

top at a work do. On the plus side, a

stranger is going to think you’re more on

to it than you really are (not at all) when

you give really good directions sometime

at the end of the month

PISCES

Prepare yourself to be troubled by a

dream about fish running an apothecary,

then annoyed by your flatmate telling you

it means you have low self-esteem and

rage issues.

SCORPIO

It’s time to focus on you this month. A big

change in career place means you will

have an opportunity to finally accept that

your job is a waste of time! Also you will

have a hot and steamy encounter with a

new brand of shampoo bringing extra

spice to your shower life! ;-)

ARIES

Things are looking up for you! You will

befriend a group of people who are

much, much taller than you. Unfortunately,

the passing of the new moon means that

one of your new, tall friends will soon

(very, very soon) meet their untimely

death. Maybe you should give them a

call right now (if it’s not already too late).

CANCER

New discoveries define your month ahead.

As you venture out of your bedroom for

the first time in 3 weeks, you realize you

and all your clothing are now permeating

a strong smell not dissimilar to rancid

meat.

LIBRA

An unexpected visit from a forgotten friend

is awkward and embarrassing for you

both. You at least remember why you are

no longer friends. The alignment of Mars

and Neptune will also mean you have

gained weight. Remember IT’S THE PLAN-

ETS NOT YOUR LIFE STYLE!

GEMINI

You and your twin are in for an exciting

month! It’s time to take your relationship to

a new level - that’s right, time to put a

name tag on that stray cat! It’s practically

yours anyway.

AQAURIUS

Now is a good time to yield your wander-

lust and go on a trip. Your friends will get

into an awkward fight with you in the

middle—perfect time for you to get out of

town for a few days!

HOROSCOPES Accurate, up to the orbit predictions by our in-house, professional apologist Moody Moony

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Inanimate Object of the Week!!

Want to spruce up your living

room?

Try pegs!

Hungry?

Try pegs!

Single?

Try pegs!

Stay tuned for next week’s

Inanimate Object: butter!!!!

Out of hair clips?

Try pegs!

Out of safety pins?

Try pegs!

Name for your baby?

Try Pegs!

Word that rhymes with legs?

Try pegs!

FINE DINING IN WELLINGTON

As we approached the counter to settle the bill, we were surprised to find we were not served and were expected to use the latest in technol-ogy—touch screen monitors. Unfortunately, I punched in the wrong code (specific to each order) for our award-winning bags of muesli. Tragically, this resulted in me entering the code for Whole Crabs (8x the price we were meant

to pay).

Overall the meal was gratifying, though messy as no cutlery was offered. The customer service was pleasing, although the waiters sometimes

seemed confused at our requests/enquiries.

Hidden costs include: $8 for can opener and/or $3000 for my date’s dental reconstruc-

tion.

In conclusion Chaffers New World is an enjoya-ble establishment and other diners will struggle to beat this extravagant experience. However,

my date remains unimpressed.

“8/10”

Review by Grossula Turkey

For weeks the talk among the town has been Chaffers New World, one of Wellington’s most critical-

ly acclaimed dining establishments. Upon arrival we were told that, sadly, reserva-tions were not taken and that no tables

were available.

Situated by the waterfront, we were disap-pointed at the lack of view, my date and I meandered down one of the many private aisles to find somewhere more intimate. The chef’s special of the evening was 4 cans of tomatoes for $5. Unfortunately, the cans

were served without a can opener and re-sulted in my date and I gnawing though the

cans.

For dessert we received bags of the highly-acclaimed Pick n Mix. The presentation was impeccable in their aesthetically-pleasing

transparent plastic bags.

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Quiz time!! Whose your dream dead boyfriend?

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