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Rabbi Joseph H. KrakoffCONGREGATION SHAAREY ZEDEK
SOUTHFIELD, MICHIGAN
Jewish Mourning Practices:A Time for
Reflection and Memory
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Jewish Mourning Practices:A Time for
Reflection and MemoryRabbi Joseph H. Krakoff
CONGREGATION SHAAREY ZEDEKSOUTHFIELD, MICHIGAN
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First and Foremost:
We Are Here For You!
Confronting the sadness accompanied
with the death of a loved one often catapults mourners into
moments of anguish, uncertainty and pain, even amid the beautiful
and cherished memories of a meaningful legacy and a life well-
lived. Without a doubt, this can be a very difficult time, and there
is no single way to confront the psychological roller coaster that
comes with loss and mourning.
This guide has been created to help congregants and friends
better understand Jewish approaches to death and mourning, but
it is no substitute for talking with your Clergy. We are here topersonally offer you comfort, while helping to honor the memory
of loved ones in a meaningful way. If you need clarification of any
rituals, or are confronted with a particularly difficult situation, or
if you just need a hug or a caring ear, your Clergy will always be
responsive to your needs, and our door is eternally open to you.
So please call on us at any time with questions or concerns. We
wish you and your loved ones peace and consolation as you mourn
your loss.
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TTable of ContentsI. Mitzvot(Commandments) in a Time of Mourning ............... 4
II. Bikkur Cholim (Visiting the Ill), Vidui(End-of-Life Prayer) . 5
III. At the Time of Death ............................................................ 7
IV. The Funeral Service ............................................................. 9
V. Leaving the Cemetery and Mourning Customs ................ 12
Meal of Consolation ............................................................ 12
The House of Mourning ..................................................... 13
Shiva ..................................................................................... 14
Shloshim ............................................................................... 15
Minyan ................................................................................. 16
Visiting the Cemetery/Unveiling ........................................ 16
Yahrzeit ................................................................................. 17
Yizkor ................................................................................... 17
VI. End-of-Life Decisions ........................................................ 18
VII. Wishing You Comfort ......................................................... 19
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I.
Mitzvot(Commandments) in a
Time of Mourning
The Jewish rituals of mourning are
thousands of years old and are structured to bring about comfort
and psychological healing. Based on the laws of the Torah and
developed more fully in the Rabbinic Period (200-500 CE), there
are two major categories of mitzvot (commandments) associatedwith death: Kvod HaMeit(honoring the dead) which continues until
burial is complete and Nichum Aveilim (comforting the mourners),
which focuses on helping the mourners in every way possible
during their time of need. This booklet was lovingly prepared as a
resource guide to help inform and educate mourners and their
families during a very difficult time of loss. We hope this begins to
answer your questions, and we pray that the rituals described
herein bring solace in the moments when it is most needed.
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II.
Bikkur Cholim (Visiting the Ill),
Vidui(End-of-Life Prayer)
Your Rabbis and Cantors want to
provide support every step of the way. If a loved one is ill we would
like to visit them. Since hospitals, hospices and care facilities are
not allowed to share or release confidential patient information, we
are completely dependent on family members and friends to informus. Please call the synagogue office (248.357.5544) so we can
arrange a visit, at which time we will offer the Mi Shebeirach
lCholim, the prayer for healing.
If it is a situation where death is impending, we suggest finding a
time to bring the family together with the Rabbi at the bedside to
recite the Vidui, the end-of-life prayer. This prayer, which
includes the Shma (Hear O Israel), petitions God for comfort and
peace during the final days/hours. It also allows the family to
formally give the individual permission to die. The prayer does not
hasten death by any means, but creates a powerful and uncondi-tionally loving Jewish setting for saying goodbye.
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Near the end of a loved ones life, it is customary in our tradition
to not leave the individual alone. We believe that as we die, our
soul is being separated from our body. Our physical bodies
eventually get sick or wear down, but the soul implanted within us
is pure and never diminishes. Just as we receive our soul when weare born into this world, our soul is returned to the Almighty when
we die. When we stay with loved ones in their final hours and re-
cite Psalms or re-tell stories, we actually play an indispensable role
in escorting their soul from this world (Olam HaZeh) to the next
world or World to Come (Olam HaBah), where they take their
place in another plane of existence.
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III.
At the Time of Death
When death occurs, the period of
aninut (time between death and interment) commences. At this
point, we are fully focused on planning the funeral and arranging
for burial.
If the death occurs in the hospital, the bereavement nurses will
offer guidance and prompt you when to place the telephone call to
the funeral chapel that you have chosen. When a death occurs at
home, if hospice or a team of care professionals has been engaged,
they will offer guidance. In Michigan, any home death is consid-
ered a suspicious death, and thus, the police will be called to the
house before the deceased can be released to the funeral home.
In Metropolitan Detroit, there are three Jewish funeral homes:
The Dorfman Chapel 248.406.6000
Hebrew Memorial 248.543.1622The Ira Kaufman Chapel 248.569.0020
An onen (individual mourner) is exempt from all religious
obligations, and does not typically pray, put on tefillin, have an
aliyah to the Torah, say Kaddish yet, or conduct business. Their time
is spent, rather, in preparing for the funeral/burial.
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Immediately after Death
A representative of the funeral home will schedule a family meet-
ing to make arrangements that include setting the time and location
for the service, selecting a casket and securing the Clergy to
officiate. The Rabbi will meet with the family and facilitate thesharing of stories, reflections and remembrances that memorialize
the deceased. This opportunity to laugh and to cry as an extended
family in a private setting is an important and invaluable part of
the mourning period. Some even choose to record these sessions
to keep as a perpetual collection of memories.
Shomer (staying with the deceaseds body)
Taharah (ritual cleaning)/Tachrichim (shrouds)
Up until the funeral service a shomer (guard) will remain with the
deceased at all times, reciting Prayers and Psalms. Furthermore,
the body will be gently and carefully ritually washed (taharah) bythe Chevra Kaddisha, a group devoted to the proper burial of the
dead. Afterward, the deceased will be dressed in a tachrich, a plain
linen or cotton burial shroud symbolizing that we are all equal in
death and before God. A person can also be buried in their tallit
(prayer shawl) after one of the fringes is cut to make it un-kosher.
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IV.
The Funeral Service
In Hebrew, the name for the funeral
itself is lviyah, meaning to accompany, affirming that as a community
we have the sacred responsibility to escort our loved ones to their
graves ourselves. There are several options to choose from for the
location of a funeral service it can be conducted in the chapel ofa funeral home or in a chapel at the cemetery itself. Others choose
to have the entire service at the graveside. Jewish tradition
encourages burial to take place as soon as possible after death.
In the Torah, our ancestors Jacob, David and Job all tore their
garments in reaction to the death of a loved one. Before the service
begins, the funeral director or Rabbi will help the mourners per-
form kriah either tearing or ripping a piece of their own cloth-
ing (often a tie or shirt for a man, a blouse or scarf for a woman)
that will be worn each day of the shiva period, excluding Shabbat.
Some mourners prefer to wear a black ribbon instead of tearingtheir clothes. Either way, this tearing is a sign of grief and sadness,
a metaphor for our hearts ripped apart by our loss. If the deceased
is a parent, children wear the kriah on the upper left side of the
chest closest to the heart. For the death of a spouse, sibling or child
the kriah is worn on the upper right side of the chest. When making
the tear we say the blessing Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech
Haolam Dayan Haemet Blessed are You God, Ruler of the Universe,
the Righteous Judge, as a reaffirmation of faith in God at a time
of sadness and loss.
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Although there are minor modifications that each individual Clergy
person institutes, the Jewish funeral service is quite meaningful
and straightforward. It often begins with a Biblical Psalm that is
read, chanted or sung, followed by the Rabbi offering a hesped, a
eulogy paying tribute to the life of the deceased. Sometimes one ortwo members of the family or friends will also offer brief comments
of praise.
It is important to remember that the focus of the funeral tribute is
to honor the persons life and memory in a praiseworthy way. Our
tradition teachesacharei mot kedoshim emor we should only speak
words of holiness of a person who has died. It is not a time to
publicly express difficult internal family dynamics or to repeat
embarrassing stories about the deceased. If the service takes place
in a chapel, we conclude with the Memorial Prayer (Eil Malei
Rachamim) affirming that the individual (named in Hebrew) willrest for eternity in Gods loving embrace.
At this point, the 6-8 pall-bearers who are pre-designated by the
family to accompany the casket to the grave are called forward to
carry the casket either to the hearse or directly to the burial site.
Pall-bearers are usually extended family members and friends, but
not customarily immediate mourners such as parents, spouses,
children or siblings.
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The most traditional form of burial is directly in the ground as we
are taught in the Book of Genesis 3:10 from dust you came and
to dust you shall return. At the cemetery, burial Psalms and
Memorial prayers are offered as the casket is lowered into the
ground. Many cemeteries require the use of a vault to guardagainst the ground caving in over time. The vault or bottomless
liner is made of concrete and is consistent with the requirement of
Jewish law since concrete itself is considered karka or ground.
Family and friends participate actively in the burial by placing
hands or shovels full of earth over the casket in fulfillment of the
mitzvah chesed shel emet. It is an act of loving kindness that can never
be repaid by the deceased. As Jews, we take personal responsibil-
ity for the burial of loved ones, spreading a blanket of earth over
them as they rest in eternal peace.
Mourning (aveilut) officially begins with the initial recitation of the
Mourners Kaddish (known as Kaddish Yatom or OrphansKaddish).
The Kaddish makes no mention of death, but rather, it is still another
reaffirmation of faith in God at lifes most difficult and trying moments.
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V.
Leaving the Cemetery
and Mourning Customs
When leaving the cemetery it is
customary to wash the hands with water (no soap and no blessing).
This recalls the ancient ritual in Numbers 19 when our ancestors
cleansed themselves after coming into contact with the dead. It acts
as a symbolic purification of going from death back into life.
Meal of Consolation (Sudat Havraah)
After leaving the cemetery, the immediate family goes directly to
the house of mourning. Theneirnshama candle should be lit (it will burn
throughout shiva, symbolizing that the deceaseds soul continues to
burn in the hearts of loved ones, based on Proverbs 20:27). Mourners
should partake in a meal (sudat havraah) provided by friends and
neighbors. Traditionally, the meal includes round objects like hard
boiled eggs and lentils, symbolizing the cycle of life as well as our
belief in an afterlife (resurrection and immortality). This meal does
not include symbols of joy such as wine or meat. Throughout shiva,meals should be provided by the community to be eaten by the
mourners and not by those coming to pay a shiva visit.
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The House of Mourning
Extended family and friends often return to the house of mouring
following the funeral. They may also choose to visit during the day,
or more specifically, to attend religious services in fulfillment of the
mitzvah ofNechum Aveilim bringing comfort to the mourners. Itis a good idea to avoid going too early in the day or during
dinnertime if possible. When entering a house of mouring, visitors
offer mourners the same words that concluded the cemetery interment:
HaMakom Ynacheim Etchem Btoch Aveilei Tzion Virushalayim, or
May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and
Jerusalem. After offering these brief words of consolation, we
should stand silently and allow the mourner(s) to talk/shape the
conversation. Having already had numerous conversations that
day, perhaps they do or do not want to talk about the deceased. It
is essential to remember that the house of mourning is not a joyful
place and that the mourners should not be put in the position ofhaving to entertain those who come to pay their respects. A visit
should not be too long, as general socializing is frowned upon.
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Shiva
The Torah teaches in Genesis 50:10 that when our forefather Jacob
died, his children mourned him for seven days. Shiva, or seven,
refers to the seven day period that begins with the cemetery burial.
By way of example, if a burial is on Monday, shiva concludes thefollowing Sunday morning after Shacharit(morning services). The
day of burial, not the day of death, counts as the first day ofshiva.
During this time, it is customary to hold religious services in the home,
coming to the synagogue only on Shabbat meaning Friday night
(Mincha, Kabbalat Shabbat, Maariv), Saturday morning (Shacharit,
Torah Reading, Musaf) and Saturday night (Mincha, Torah Reading,
Maariv). When a Jewish holiday (Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot,
Pesach or Shavuot) begins in the days immediately following a burial,
shiva may be truncated. Please check with the Rabbi in such a situation.
During shiva, mourners abstain from work, marital relations,
bathing (except for hygiene), using cosmetics, cutting the hair and
wearing leather footwear. Mirrors are also covered because they are
seen as a sign of vanity. Many mourners sit on low stools or remove
cushions from the couches.
Shivaends on the morning of the seventh day. To conclude
shiva,
there is a tradition of walking around the block after services in
order to symbolize a transition from the initial mourning period. It
marks a re-entry into day-to-day life.
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Shloshim
The Torah explains that when Aaron died (Numbers 20:29) the
House of Israel bewailed Aaron for 30 days. And when Moses
died (Deuteronomy 34:8) the Israelites bewailed Moses for 30
days. Shloshim, meaning thirty, refers to the thirty day period fol-lowing interment. It marks the full period for mourning and saying
Kaddish for spouses, children and siblings. It ends on the morning
of the 30th day after the burial.
During this period of 30 days, a mourner typically does not attend
parties and avoids expressions of festive entertainment. It is alsocustomary to refrain from wearing new clothing or cutting the hair.
When mourning the death of a parent, restrictions remain in place
for a full year while the Kaddish prayer is said for 11 months minus
one day from burial. This is in keeping with a Kabbalistic (mystical)
belief that we recite Kaddish for a whole year only for the most
wicked individuals who are believed to need additional time for
their soul to arrive in heaven.
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Minyan
Following the conclusion of shiva where Kaddish has been said all
week long in the House of Mourning, the recitation of Kaddish
continues during the Shloshim period and over the course of the
first year following burial. At this time, mourners are encouragedto come to the synagogue and participate in daily minyan. Twice a
day, 365 days a year, we gather for morning services (Shacharit) and
afternoon/evening services (Mincha/Maariv) where Kaddish is
recited multiple times at Congregation Shaarey Zedek. The Daily
Minyan is composed of congregants (some who are similarly saying
Kaddish) who embrace mourners and help guide them through this
difficult time with prayer and community so they never feel alone.
Your Clergy encourage you to be part of the minyan and are happy
to help you feel comfortable and welcome in this setting.
Visiting the Cemetery / Unveiling
Traditionally, the cemetery is not visited again until the conclusion
ofShloshim. Oftentimes, within the first year the grave marker or
tombstone (matzeivah) will be installed and dedicated in a ceremony
known as an unveiling. If you plan to ask Clergy to officiate, please
call both the synagogue and the cemetery to schedule the date and
time.
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Yahrzeit
Each year on the anniversary of the death, a yahrzeitcandle is lit
and Kaddish is recited at each of the three religious synagogue
services Maariv (evening), Shacharit (morning) and Mincha
(afternoon). At Congregation Shaarey Zedek, the yahrzeit namesare read at each service throughout the day. Reminder letters are
sent by the synagogue approximately one month prior to the
yahrzeit. It is customary to make a contribution to a worthy cause
in memory of the deceased.
Yizkor
Four times a year, Yizkor Memorial prayers are recited in the
synagogue and a candle is lit at home in the evening as the new
Jewish day begins. Yizkor is recited on Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret
(end ofSukkot), eighth day ofPesach, and second day ofShavuot.
At Congregation Shaarey Zedek, Memorial plaques are dedicated
on Shemini Atzeret(end ofSukkot), and the eighth day ofPesach and
may be purchased anytime throughout the year.
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VI.
End-of-Life Decisions
Occasionally, in regard to a death,
questions arise with regard to some other practices.
Organ and Tissue Donation
Organ and tissue donation is an acceptable Jewish practice and
fulfills the mitzvah ofpikuach nefesh, saving a life.
Autopsy and Embalming
Autopsies are only performed when required by the Federal or
State Government, when a body is brought back from a death
abroad, or when medical conditions require it. Embalming is
prohibited by Jewish law and is only conducted when required byFederal or State law.
Cremation
Cremation is not the traditional form of Jewish burial because the
body is meant to be returned directly into the ground in its full-
ness based on Genesis 3:10 From dust you came and to dustyou shall return.
While ground burial is always encouraged and remains preferable,
Clover Hill Park Cemetery does maintain a cremains section for
the burial of ashes. This decision is in recognition that oftentimes
families are compelled to honor the wishes of a deceased loved one
who wanted to be cremated. So too, it is still better for cremains to
be returned to the ground than having them scattered in the wind.
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VII.
Wishing You Comfort
Congregation Shaarey Zedek hosts
bereavement groups throughout the year. If you would like to join
one, please call the synagogue office and we will connect you to
the groups facilitator.
We truly hope this booklet on Jewish Mourning Practices has been
helpful in guiding you meaningfully and thoughtfully through the
Jewish rituals and observances associated with the death of a loved
one. Of course, if we can be of any further help, or if questions
remain, please contact us at any time.
As you mourn the loss of your loved one during this time of
reflection and memory, we wish you and your family peace and
consolation. In the words of our sacred tradition, HaMakom
Ynacheim Etchem Btoch Aveilei Tzion Virushalayim May God com-
fort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.
Rabbi Joseph H. Krakoff
August 2012Av 5772
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NNotes
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Congregation Shaarey Zedek27375 Bell RoadSouthfield, Michigan 48034248.357.5544
www.shaareyzedek.org
2425 West Fourteen Mile Road, Birmingham, Michigan 48009
248 723 8884 www cloverhillpark org