Mourning Practices Booklet

7/29/2019 Mourning Practices Booklet

1/22

Rabbi Joseph H. KrakoffCONGREGATION SHAAREY ZEDEK

SOUTHFIELD, MICHIGAN

Jewish Mourning Practices:A Time for

Reflection and Memory


2/22

Jewish Mourning Practices:A Time for

Reflection and MemoryRabbi Joseph H. Krakoff

CONGREGATION SHAAREY ZEDEKSOUTHFIELD, MICHIGAN


3/22

C

First and Foremost:

We Are Here For You!

Confronting the sadness accompanied

with the death of a loved one often catapults mourners into

moments of anguish, uncertainty and pain, even amid the beautiful

and cherished memories of a meaningful legacy and a life well-

lived. Without a doubt, this can be a very difficult time, and there

is no single way to confront the psychological roller coaster that

comes with loss and mourning.

This guide has been created to help congregants and friends

better understand Jewish approaches to death and mourning, but

it is no substitute for talking with your Clergy. We are here topersonally offer you comfort, while helping to honor the memory

of loved ones in a meaningful way. If you need clarification of any

rituals, or are confronted with a particularly difficult situation, or

if you just need a hug or a caring ear, your Clergy will always be

responsive to your needs, and our door is eternally open to you.

So please call on us at any time with questions or concerns. We

wish you and your loved ones peace and consolation as you mourn

your loss.

two


4/22

three

TTable of ContentsI. Mitzvot(Commandments) in a Time of Mourning ............... 4

II. Bikkur Cholim (Visiting the Ill), Vidui(End-of-Life Prayer) . 5

III. At the Time of Death ............................................................ 7

IV. The Funeral Service ............................................................. 9

V. Leaving the Cemetery and Mourning Customs ................ 12

Meal of Consolation ............................................................ 12

The House of Mourning ..................................................... 13

Shiva ..................................................................................... 14

Shloshim ............................................................................... 15

Minyan ................................................................................. 16

Visiting the Cemetery/Unveiling ........................................ 16

Yahrzeit ................................................................................. 17

Yizkor ................................................................................... 17

VI. End-of-Life Decisions ........................................................ 18

VII. Wishing You Comfort ......................................................... 19


5/22

four

T

I.

Mitzvot(Commandments) in a

Time of Mourning

The Jewish rituals of mourning are

thousands of years old and are structured to bring about comfort

and psychological healing. Based on the laws of the Torah and

developed more fully in the Rabbinic Period (200-500 CE), there

are two major categories of mitzvot (commandments) associatedwith death: Kvod HaMeit(honoring the dead) which continues until

burial is complete and Nichum Aveilim (comforting the mourners),

which focuses on helping the mourners in every way possible

during their time of need. This booklet was lovingly prepared as a

resource guide to help inform and educate mourners and their

families during a very difficult time of loss. We hope this begins to

answer your questions, and we pray that the rituals described

herein bring solace in the moments when it is most needed.


6/22

Y

five

II.

Bikkur Cholim (Visiting the Ill),

Vidui(End-of-Life Prayer)

Your Rabbis and Cantors want to

provide support every step of the way. If a loved one is ill we would

like to visit them. Since hospitals, hospices and care facilities are

not allowed to share or release confidential patient information, we

are completely dependent on family members and friends to informus. Please call the synagogue office (248.357.5544) so we can

arrange a visit, at which time we will offer the Mi Shebeirach

lCholim, the prayer for healing.

If it is a situation where death is impending, we suggest finding a

time to bring the family together with the Rabbi at the bedside to

recite the Vidui, the end-of-life prayer. This prayer, which

includes the Shma (Hear O Israel), petitions God for comfort and

peace during the final days/hours. It also allows the family to

formally give the individual permission to die. The prayer does not

hasten death by any means, but creates a powerful and uncondi-tionally loving Jewish setting for saying goodbye.


7/22

six

Near the end of a loved ones life, it is customary in our tradition

to not leave the individual alone. We believe that as we die, our

soul is being separated from our body. Our physical bodies

eventually get sick or wear down, but the soul implanted within us

is pure and never diminishes. Just as we receive our soul when weare born into this world, our soul is returned to the Almighty when

we die. When we stay with loved ones in their final hours and re-

cite Psalms or re-tell stories, we actually play an indispensable role

in escorting their soul from this world (Olam HaZeh) to the next

world or World to Come (Olam HaBah), where they take their

place in another plane of existence.

S U P P O R T I N G T H E I L L A N D T H E D Y I N GCONTINUED


8/22

W

seven

III.

At the Time of Death

When death occurs, the period of

aninut (time between death and interment) commences. At this

point, we are fully focused on planning the funeral and arranging

for burial.

If the death occurs in the hospital, the bereavement nurses will

offer guidance and prompt you when to place the telephone call to

the funeral chapel that you have chosen. When a death occurs at

home, if hospice or a team of care professionals has been engaged,

they will offer guidance. In Michigan, any home death is consid-

ered a suspicious death, and thus, the police will be called to the

house before the deceased can be released to the funeral home.

In Metropolitan Detroit, there are three Jewish funeral homes:

The Dorfman Chapel 248.406.6000

Hebrew Memorial 248.543.1622The Ira Kaufman Chapel 248.569.0020

An onen (individual mourner) is exempt from all religious

obligations, and does not typically pray, put on tefillin, have an

aliyah to the Torah, say Kaddish yet, or conduct business. Their time

is spent, rather, in preparing for the funeral/burial.


9/22

eight

Immediately after Death

A representative of the funeral home will schedule a family meet-

ing to make arrangements that include setting the time and location

for the service, selecting a casket and securing the Clergy to

officiate. The Rabbi will meet with the family and facilitate thesharing of stories, reflections and remembrances that memorialize

the deceased. This opportunity to laugh and to cry as an extended

family in a private setting is an important and invaluable part of

the mourning period. Some even choose to record these sessions

to keep as a perpetual collection of memories.

Shomer (staying with the deceaseds body)

Taharah (ritual cleaning)/Tachrichim (shrouds)

Up until the funeral service a shomer (guard) will remain with the

deceased at all times, reciting Prayers and Psalms. Furthermore,

the body will be gently and carefully ritually washed (taharah) bythe Chevra Kaddisha, a group devoted to the proper burial of the

dead. Afterward, the deceased will be dressed in a tachrich, a plain

linen or cotton burial shroud symbolizing that we are all equal in

death and before God. A person can also be buried in their tallit

(prayer shawl) after one of the fringes is cut to make it un-kosher.

AT T H E T I M E O F D E AT HCONTINUED


10/22

I

nine

IV.

The Funeral Service

In Hebrew, the name for the funeral

itself is lviyah, meaning to accompany, affirming that as a community

we have the sacred responsibility to escort our loved ones to their

graves ourselves. There are several options to choose from for the

location of a funeral service it can be conducted in the chapel ofa funeral home or in a chapel at the cemetery itself. Others choose

to have the entire service at the graveside. Jewish tradition

encourages burial to take place as soon as possible after death.

In the Torah, our ancestors Jacob, David and Job all tore their

garments in reaction to the death of a loved one. Before the service

begins, the funeral director or Rabbi will help the mourners per-

form kriah either tearing or ripping a piece of their own cloth-

ing (often a tie or shirt for a man, a blouse or scarf for a woman)

that will be worn each day of the shiva period, excluding Shabbat.

Some mourners prefer to wear a black ribbon instead of tearingtheir clothes. Either way, this tearing is a sign of grief and sadness,

a metaphor for our hearts ripped apart by our loss. If the deceased

is a parent, children wear the kriah on the upper left side of the

chest closest to the heart. For the death of a spouse, sibling or child

the kriah is worn on the upper right side of the chest. When making

the tear we say the blessing Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech

Haolam Dayan Haemet Blessed are You God, Ruler of the Universe,

the Righteous Judge, as a reaffirmation of faith in God at a time

of sadness and loss.


11/22

ten

Although there are minor modifications that each individual Clergy

person institutes, the Jewish funeral service is quite meaningful

and straightforward. It often begins with a Biblical Psalm that is

read, chanted or sung, followed by the Rabbi offering a hesped, a

eulogy paying tribute to the life of the deceased. Sometimes one ortwo members of the family or friends will also offer brief comments

of praise.

It is important to remember that the focus of the funeral tribute is

to honor the persons life and memory in a praiseworthy way. Our

tradition teachesacharei mot kedoshim emor we should only speak

words of holiness of a person who has died. It is not a time to

publicly express difficult internal family dynamics or to repeat

embarrassing stories about the deceased. If the service takes place

in a chapel, we conclude with the Memorial Prayer (Eil Malei

Rachamim) affirming that the individual (named in Hebrew) willrest for eternity in Gods loving embrace.

At this point, the 6-8 pall-bearers who are pre-designated by the

family to accompany the casket to the grave are called forward to

carry the casket either to the hearse or directly to the burial site.

Pall-bearers are usually extended family members and friends, but

not customarily immediate mourners such as parents, spouses,

children or siblings.

T H E F U N E R A L S E RV I C E CONTINUED


12/22

The most traditional form of burial is directly in the ground as we

are taught in the Book of Genesis 3:10 from dust you came and

to dust you shall return. At the cemetery, burial Psalms and

Memorial prayers are offered as the casket is lowered into the

ground. Many cemeteries require the use of a vault to guardagainst the ground caving in over time. The vault or bottomless

liner is made of concrete and is consistent with the requirement of

Jewish law since concrete itself is considered karka or ground.

Family and friends participate actively in the burial by placing

hands or shovels full of earth over the casket in fulfillment of the

mitzvah chesed shel emet. It is an act of loving kindness that can never

be repaid by the deceased. As Jews, we take personal responsibil-

ity for the burial of loved ones, spreading a blanket of earth over

them as they rest in eternal peace.

Mourning (aveilut) officially begins with the initial recitation of the

Mourners Kaddish (known as Kaddish Yatom or OrphansKaddish).

The Kaddish makes no mention of death, but rather, it is still another

reaffirmation of faith in God at lifes most difficult and trying moments.

T H E F U N E R A L S E RV I C E CONTINUED

eleven


13/22

twelve

W

V.

Leaving the Cemetery

and Mourning Customs

When leaving the cemetery it is

customary to wash the hands with water (no soap and no blessing).

This recalls the ancient ritual in Numbers 19 when our ancestors

cleansed themselves after coming into contact with the dead. It acts

as a symbolic purification of going from death back into life.

Meal of Consolation (Sudat Havraah)

After leaving the cemetery, the immediate family goes directly to

the house of mourning. Theneirnshama candle should be lit (it will burn

throughout shiva, symbolizing that the deceaseds soul continues to

burn in the hearts of loved ones, based on Proverbs 20:27). Mourners

should partake in a meal (sudat havraah) provided by friends and

neighbors. Traditionally, the meal includes round objects like hard

boiled eggs and lentils, symbolizing the cycle of life as well as our

belief in an afterlife (resurrection and immortality). This meal does

not include symbols of joy such as wine or meat. Throughout shiva,meals should be provided by the community to be eaten by the

mourners and not by those coming to pay a shiva visit.


14/22

The House of Mourning

Extended family and friends often return to the house of mouring

following the funeral. They may also choose to visit during the day,

or more specifically, to attend religious services in fulfillment of the

mitzvah ofNechum Aveilim bringing comfort to the mourners. Itis a good idea to avoid going too early in the day or during

dinnertime if possible. When entering a house of mouring, visitors

offer mourners the same words that concluded the cemetery interment:

HaMakom Ynacheim Etchem Btoch Aveilei Tzion Virushalayim, or

May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and

Jerusalem. After offering these brief words of consolation, we

should stand silently and allow the mourner(s) to talk/shape the

conversation. Having already had numerous conversations that

day, perhaps they do or do not want to talk about the deceased. It

is essential to remember that the house of mourning is not a joyful

place and that the mourners should not be put in the position ofhaving to entertain those who come to pay their respects. A visit

should not be too long, as general socializing is frowned upon.

M O U R N I N G C U S T O M SCONTINUED

thirteen


15/22

fourteen

Shiva

The Torah teaches in Genesis 50:10 that when our forefather Jacob

died, his children mourned him for seven days. Shiva, or seven,

refers to the seven day period that begins with the cemetery burial.

By way of example, if a burial is on Monday, shiva concludes thefollowing Sunday morning after Shacharit(morning services). The

day of burial, not the day of death, counts as the first day ofshiva.

During this time, it is customary to hold religious services in the home,

coming to the synagogue only on Shabbat meaning Friday night

(Mincha, Kabbalat Shabbat, Maariv), Saturday morning (Shacharit,

Torah Reading, Musaf) and Saturday night (Mincha, Torah Reading,

Maariv). When a Jewish holiday (Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot,

Pesach or Shavuot) begins in the days immediately following a burial,

shiva may be truncated. Please check with the Rabbi in such a situation.

During shiva, mourners abstain from work, marital relations,

bathing (except for hygiene), using cosmetics, cutting the hair and

wearing leather footwear. Mirrors are also covered because they are

seen as a sign of vanity. Many mourners sit on low stools or remove

cushions from the couches.

Shivaends on the morning of the seventh day. To conclude

shiva,

there is a tradition of walking around the block after services in

order to symbolize a transition from the initial mourning period. It

marks a re-entry into day-to-day life.



16/22

Shloshim

The Torah explains that when Aaron died (Numbers 20:29) the

House of Israel bewailed Aaron for 30 days. And when Moses

died (Deuteronomy 34:8) the Israelites bewailed Moses for 30

days. Shloshim, meaning thirty, refers to the thirty day period fol-lowing interment. It marks the full period for mourning and saying

Kaddish for spouses, children and siblings. It ends on the morning

of the 30th day after the burial.

During this period of 30 days, a mourner typically does not attend

parties and avoids expressions of festive entertainment. It is alsocustomary to refrain from wearing new clothing or cutting the hair.

When mourning the death of a parent, restrictions remain in place

for a full year while the Kaddish prayer is said for 11 months minus

one day from burial. This is in keeping with a Kabbalistic (mystical)

belief that we recite Kaddish for a whole year only for the most

wicked individuals who are believed to need additional time for

their soul to arrive in heaven.


fifteen


17/22

sixteen

Minyan

Following the conclusion of shiva where Kaddish has been said all

week long in the House of Mourning, the recitation of Kaddish

continues during the Shloshim period and over the course of the

first year following burial. At this time, mourners are encouragedto come to the synagogue and participate in daily minyan. Twice a

day, 365 days a year, we gather for morning services (Shacharit) and

afternoon/evening services (Mincha/Maariv) where Kaddish is

recited multiple times at Congregation Shaarey Zedek. The Daily

Minyan is composed of congregants (some who are similarly saying

Kaddish) who embrace mourners and help guide them through this

difficult time with prayer and community so they never feel alone.

Your Clergy encourage you to be part of the minyan and are happy

to help you feel comfortable and welcome in this setting.

Visiting the Cemetery / Unveiling

Traditionally, the cemetery is not visited again until the conclusion

ofShloshim. Oftentimes, within the first year the grave marker or

tombstone (matzeivah) will be installed and dedicated in a ceremony

known as an unveiling. If you plan to ask Clergy to officiate, please

call both the synagogue and the cemetery to schedule the date and

time.



18/22

Yahrzeit

Each year on the anniversary of the death, a yahrzeitcandle is lit

and Kaddish is recited at each of the three religious synagogue

services Maariv (evening), Shacharit (morning) and Mincha

(afternoon). At Congregation Shaarey Zedek, the yahrzeit namesare read at each service throughout the day. Reminder letters are

sent by the synagogue approximately one month prior to the

yahrzeit. It is customary to make a contribution to a worthy cause

in memory of the deceased.

Yizkor

Four times a year, Yizkor Memorial prayers are recited in the

synagogue and a candle is lit at home in the evening as the new

Jewish day begins. Yizkor is recited on Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret

(end ofSukkot), eighth day ofPesach, and second day ofShavuot.

At Congregation Shaarey Zedek, Memorial plaques are dedicated

on Shemini Atzeret(end ofSukkot), and the eighth day ofPesach and

may be purchased anytime throughout the year.


seventeen


19/22

eighteen

O

VI.

End-of-Life Decisions

Occasionally, in regard to a death,

questions arise with regard to some other practices.

Organ and Tissue Donation

Organ and tissue donation is an acceptable Jewish practice and

fulfills the mitzvah ofpikuach nefesh, saving a life.

Autopsy and Embalming

Autopsies are only performed when required by the Federal or

State Government, when a body is brought back from a death

abroad, or when medical conditions require it. Embalming is

prohibited by Jewish law and is only conducted when required byFederal or State law.

Cremation

Cremation is not the traditional form of Jewish burial because the

body is meant to be returned directly into the ground in its full-

ness based on Genesis 3:10 From dust you came and to dustyou shall return.

While ground burial is always encouraged and remains preferable,

Clover Hill Park Cemetery does maintain a cremains section for

the burial of ashes. This decision is in recognition that oftentimes

families are compelled to honor the wishes of a deceased loved one

who wanted to be cremated. So too, it is still better for cremains to

be returned to the ground than having them scattered in the wind.


20/22

nineteen

C

VII.

Wishing You Comfort

Congregation Shaarey Zedek hosts

bereavement groups throughout the year. If you would like to join

one, please call the synagogue office and we will connect you to

the groups facilitator.

We truly hope this booklet on Jewish Mourning Practices has been

helpful in guiding you meaningfully and thoughtfully through the

Jewish rituals and observances associated with the death of a loved

one. Of course, if we can be of any further help, or if questions

remain, please contact us at any time.

As you mourn the loss of your loved one during this time of

reflection and memory, we wish you and your family peace and

consolation. In the words of our sacred tradition, HaMakom

Ynacheim Etchem Btoch Aveilei Tzion Virushalayim May God com-

fort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

Rabbi Joseph H. Krakoff

August 2012Av 5772


21/22

twenty

NNotes


22/22

Congregation Shaarey Zedek27375 Bell RoadSouthfield, Michigan 48034248.357.5544

www.shaareyzedek.org

2425 West Fourteen Mile Road, Birmingham, Michigan 48009

248 723 8884 www cloverhillpark org

Mourning Practices Booklet

Documents