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Moths & Moonlight [2]
Moths & Moonlight
Jennifer Amabilé
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Moths & Moonlight [3]
Index
Chapter One: Ashes to AshesAshes to Ashes
Driving Down Dance Street
ListenShe’s Far Away
I’m Just Fine
Summertime
Chapter Two: Chasing RainbowsChasing Rainbows
Blue Sky
AddictionAs You…
Heart of Stone
Hold On
Chapter Three: Sour GrapesSour Grapes
The Moon & ISweetest LiesFairy Tales
Take It All
King Lear
Jaded
Chapter Four: ReflectionReflection
Pieces of MyselfDon’t Pull Your Foot Away
I’ll Shut the Blinds
Walking Contradiction
I’m A Hamster
Chapter Five: Inside the Chrysalis
Inside the Chrysalis
Silly BitchBoob
Beauty in This
Footnotes
Skeletons
Chapter Six: Once Upon A TimeOnce Upon A Time
I Am a WriterSandcastles
So Smile
I’m Happy
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Chapter One
Ashes to Ashes
a spontaneous disastersparking quick, burning fasterup in flames, down in dust
forever's fury
in a fucking rushLet it be, let it go
‘cause we all know…
ashes to asheseternal detour
lightning bolt to the soul
shot straight to the coreflickering ember
lying, dying on this floor
sweep it up, toss it out
what was it good for?
Casualty times two
scarred to the pit of youcold cinder, wasted light
can't fuel a fire
once you give up
the fightmake it stop
stomp it dead
cause, in your head ...
ashes to ashes
that's for surelightning bolt to the soul
shot straight to the core
flickering ember
lying, dying on this floorlet it be, set it free
what was it good for?
nothing......and nothing more
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Driving Down Dance Street
If I put it in reverse
will it take us back
to that fork in the roadwhere we could conversewithout a single curse
and stand
each other’s company? I want to see that smile
that faded into the wind
around the 9th mile;
Where the road splitwith no signs to guide us.
Driving down Dance StreetI have to trust my feet -
fast or slow, when to go;
which turn to make…
for my own damn sake.
And, if I put it in reverse
will it take us backto a happier place
in love
where we put each other first
in our bubble of a universe?Or, will we run out of gas?
I want to hit the brakes
and let you out the doorwith a bag of mistakes
to burn for heat, or keep
as a memory ofour trip.
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Listen
Listen, don't speak.
My words must be where I’m weak.
I didn’t say how I felt loud enough?
I’ve fallen, alright.
I used to fall with you in sight,
but you didn’t see my heart breaking.
Call me a quitter, but
we both know I tried.
Call me cold-hearted, butwe both know I’ve cried.
Call me. Call me, but
don't torture yourselfin denial.
I’m strong; tough.
My strength is knowing what I want.You didn’t want to believe my tears.
I love you, I do.Quitters just know how to lose.
I lost this battle a long time gone.
Call me a quitter, butwe both know I tried.
Call me cold-hearted, but
we both know I’ve cried Call me. Call me 'cause
your call will never
be denied.
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Moths & Moonlight [7]
She's Far Away
she's far away
he pulls her close
but in her eyesthe distance growsshe doesn't feel
she's far away
he holds her tight but she won't stay
she gave up hope
it's over now
she's far awaythe air is stale
he kisses her
she starts to crythe time is now
to say goodbye
he won't let go
she won't stayhe doesn't care
she's far away
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Moths & Moonlight [8]
I'm Just Fine
It's the sidewalk
beneath me.
I can’t breathe.
I’m just fine.
It's the sidewalk beneath me.
It's cracking
under my feet.
Can I walk
on your side?
Don’t leave me
behind.
I’m slipping through the cracks
in the sidewalk
beneath me.
I can't breathe.
I’m just fine.
I haven't yet
lost my mind.
Lost my balance.
Lost my way.
I’m just fine.
I’m okay.
The sidewalkis cracking
and I am slipping
away.
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Summertime
He’s hung -
up on a girl
who tossed him aside like an old winter coat.
She lost the extra weight for the Summertime.
So many guyswant nothing more
than to see what it's like
between her thighs -
When all he wants is to be in her heart.
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Chapter Two
Chasing Rainbows
intoxicatingartistry for the eyenature lets fall a tear -
then a sigh
beautiful
rarity amongst the rain
sun-kissed droplet -
perfect stain
unattainable
strictly to be admiredfond illusion of the mind -
ideal desire
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Blue Sky
I want the guy with the see-through eyes
a soul with nothin’ to hide
I want the man with talent and viea pen in his hand to get byI want the boy with a beautiful mind
an intellectual stimuli
I want the moon locked in Julya chance to be his blue-sky
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Addiction
His one touch she desires
His two lips on her skin
She craves him to hold herJust to breathe him in
His absence is painful
She aches for his voiceThis man she's in love with
Her only drug of choice
No hope for this addictWho waits for her fix
No fix for this addict
Who waits for his kissShe holds tightly her pillow
As she silently weeps
Sleep holds onto her
As she drifts into sleep
He's blind to her addiction
He knows nothing at allSo she secretly suffers
An addict’s withdrawal
She needs him to functionHer mind cannot rest
He flows through her veins
As he beats in her chest
No hope for this addict
Who waits for her fix No fix for this addict
Who waits for his kiss
She holds tightly her pillow
As she silently weepsSleep holds onto her
As she drifts into sleep
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As You…
As you hold her hand, I can feel your hand
envelope my own as it once did before.
As you kiss her, I can feel the warmth ofyour lips upon my own where they belong.
As you stand behind her and whisper in herear, I can hear your words and feel your breath.
As you hold her, I can feel your arms around me
as I listen contently to the beating of your heart.
As you go on day by day oblivious to my love, I can
feel the constant pain I've come to know
...but not accept.
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Moths & Moonlight [14]
Heart of Stone
you think you're over it
no feelings left
but regretfloods your chestwhen you lock eyes
for the first time
in a long time
tunnel vision fades
as the full image
comes into viewand she's smiling
holding hands
with a guywho isn't you
your stomach twists
must have hadone too many drinks
but it's early yet
and you're stillignoring the truth
you've only had a few
and like a train-wreckyou watch her - happy
with the guy
who isn't you
and they laugh,
they hug, they kissit's as if you
don't exist
the liquor isn't workingto numb the ache
in your chest
shot after shot
you try to ingest
you're drunk and
your body is numball you can hear
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Moths & Moonlight [15]
is the deafening
sound of a beating
drum
your so-called heart
of stoneis the only thingstill working
you’ve never felt
so alone
she walks out the door
with the guy
who isn't youit's better that way
you tell yourself
it's easier that way
lying to yourself
is the easiest way
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Hold On
Is it whining time
so soon, again?
Whoa is you, come cry to me.
I’ll waste my breath
to stubborn ears
and hope...
Hold on!
Let me grab my violin
and that box of KleenexI keep on hand.
And, the cycle goes. Where it ends, nobody knows!
Well, I do.
Shh, take a moment.
Collect your lies...
Hold on!
Let me grab my violinand that box of Kleenex
wearing thin.
DJ play my tune. Can you please sing
a different song?
This shit's on loop, and
my ears are beginning to bleed.
Dammit, pass the tissues.
Hold on!
Let me grab my violin
and smash it over your fuckin’ head!
Oh dear, here it comes.
the list of self-created problems. Life sucks, whoa is you.
Demonic possessions
don't got shit on you.
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Hold on!
Let me grab my common sense
and squeeze it backinto my brain.
Oh, Satan called. He said he has moreimportant things to do with his timethan bother with you.
Says he's got a few suicide bombers
to inspire; a few hospitals to implode;a few thousand cities to infect
with the plague.
I took the message.
I figured you were too busy crying aboutsomething important like...
an empty box of cereal. Because,
your life sucks.
Hold on!
Let me walk away.
Stopping me would be too much effort.Yeah, keep the violin.
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Chapter Three
Sour Grapes
Clean slate, like an empty plateI’ve had my fill of mind games And what’s-his-names
I’ll drink my sour grapes
In a wine glassWith a half-assed smile
Until I’m nice and numb
To the core
When I’m ready for more
I’ll get out my little black book
I’ve kept for years Take a trip down memory lane
I’ll pick the name
With the most smeared pen stains
We’ll have a real good time
Share a few bad lies
And fake smilesHe’ll call me in a week
Three AM
On a Saturday night
And if he mood strikesI just might take his call
He can be my new downfallHe’ll pick me up in his truck
We’ll go back to his place
Play a little kissy-faceMaybe even fuck
But there’s no time
For pillow talk
We’ll both be too drunk
I’ll sneak out
Before the sun comes up
My heart’s too dark To let any light inside
I don’t need to say goodbye
I won’t pretend I careEven if I do
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If he calls again
We’ll be through But, I know this one
Won’t call
And after a month I’ll fall Completely in loveWith his lack of
Desire
So I’ll drink my sour grapes
In a wine glass
With a half-assed smile
Until I’m nice and numbTo the core
Until I’m ready for more
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Moths & Moonlight [20]
The Moon and I
Half the world is asleep finding comfort in their dreams
while a full moon hides behind scattered clouds drifting by.
I look over at you lying in my bedI wonder what types of thoughts are alive in your head
as you rest.
At my very best, I’d never fall for you.
I know too well what bad decisions lead to
in the end.
I respect myself, but you never can.
I completely understand the misconceptions people hold
on what it is to be man.
Where do you go in your dreams?
I wonder if there is more to you than what it seems.
I’m not sure I’ll ever know.
Moments like these make me wonder
if I can handle the choices I make, in the end.I respect myself, but you never can.
I laid in your arms upon your request.
Listened to the beating in your chestuntil your breath
became faint.
The window by the bed keeps me awake.
But, when the morning comes, I will return to my
previous restraint.
This time I spend questioning our fate is in vain.
I respect myself, but you never can,
in the end.
One last glance at the moon completes the night
I take my place in bed, while thoughts of you and I fill my head.
It’s moments like these I’ll keep inside…
except when, in the middle of night,
it's just us - the moon and I
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Sweetest Lies
the sweetest lies
are the ones
we tell ourselveswhen we know the truth but sit it on a shelf
collecting dust passing time
feigning trust
shutting eyes
the sharpest knife
cuts straight to the bone
when we try overlookingwhat we damn-well know
with rose colored glasses
and a heart full of hopea victim of yourself
a self-deceiving dope
the sweetest lies
are draped in desire
and buried in the dark.
there is no instinct
like that of the heart
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Fairy Tales
There's no such thing as Fairytales. Put the Cinderella down and raise your little girls on truth.
We grow up wishing to be rescued - let down after let down. We grow cold instead of strong.
Sleeping Beauty's got the message all wrong.
Raise your little girls on strength. They aren't Damsels in Distress. Don't lead them down a road
of pain and hurt. True strength is knowing their own worth; What she stands for and what she
won't stand. Teach her to love herself and she'll know she can - without the delusion of beingrescued by a man.
There's no such thing as Mr. Right. Frogs don't turn into princes; three thousand kisses and that
asshole's still a frog. No woman can change a man - no man will save her from her path. We areall the victims of a fate molded by our own hands.
Lock yourself in a tower high above the ground - you'll die of old age before your Savior comesaround. Bricks bonded in fear; Hair longer than hell. Waiting for the Miracle Man to climb into
your cell - but they don't tell you that he really doesn't exist. He's never coming - tell your
daughters this.
There's no such thing as Happily Ever After - no Prince Charming; Knight in Shining Armor.
There’s no Fairytale-endings, only heartbreak; No such thing as falling in love for love's sake;
No such thing as soul-mates - no matter what the stars say; Even if your soul aches when theywalk away; Even if your eyes meet and you see inside - it's all a lie.
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Take It All
Take two of these.
You won’t feel better
in the morning, but you'll feel just fine tonight.Take two of these.
Take four. Fuck it.
Fuck it. What's one more?
Once more you fall.
Maybe this time you'll...
Maybe it's time to lose it all.Every last breathing shred
of hope -suffocate it!
Suffocating desire to be;
desire to believe.
Believing this is
the only waystay awhile - please stay!
Denial is your best friend.Swallow it.
(swallow them)
Swallowing your soul.Your blank stare says it all
Can you see through?
(you're see through) The mirror on the wall
knows you!
take two of these
(take more)
Take four of these
(take more) Take six of these
(take more)
Rip your soul out
by its rotting core.
Once more you fall.
No safety net.Just regret.
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Drown in your mess.
Breathe in your disease.
Take two of these.Wake up in a fog.
Don’t mind the mess.
Let it collect.Sucking in more wasted time.
Wasting time.
(killing time) Murder-suicide.
Walking the line of death.
Dead inside.
Physically alive… Until the body joins the soul.
(and dies)
Take two of these!
(take more)
Take it all!
Take everything!Suck the life from everything!
Kill the beauty inside!
Make it ugly!Make it rot!
Make it suffer!
Suffering by choice.Choosing to feed
the hunger…
the monster… that resides in us all.
Take my tears!Take my blood!
Take it all!
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King Lear
"We came crying hither; Thou knows't, the first time that we smell the air, we wail and cry." – King Lear
They say one can no longer write a proper tragedy. Perhaps not on paper, but it is only humannature to be blinded; misguided by self-absorption - each mind-fucking experience requiring a
brain-cell abortion. The damage is only visible on those who are easily marred - each scar a
memoir. Kissing harder, loving stronger. Try all you want - it won't make it last anylonger. Some people suffer in pairs; some go it alone. It's easier breaking a heart to save your
own. Every fall makes it harder to heal; nothing left to hurt, nothing more to feel. Awake - with
a sleeping soul. That's what keeps the tragedy whole - one crushed spirit, one throbbing sole.
Kiss me harder, make it hurt. Keep me dirty, I am dirt.
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Jaded
Can you see the little girl
inside the woman,
jaded?Torn from the blissof her
innocence.
Can you see the sparkle behind her eyes,
faded?
She keeps a small emberof hope burning -
Insisting on destiny
to keep the worldturning.
Can you see the woman
inside the whore,tired?
The one whose worth
you expired.Can you see through her eyes,
behind the wall
built to protect
her soulfrom one more trip
or fall?
She made herself easy
because being difficult
causes the same pain.A broken spirit
kills her name.
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Chapter Four
Reflection
left alone in a small roomwith the one person Itruly despise
I pace back and forthfor a few minutes
before patience
runs low and I got to go
door's locked I begin
to break a sweat
stuck in this small roomstaring at Regret
there's a window but
that's sealed shut.I can't stay here.
I got to break freethere's only so much
I can take
of Misery
I toss the only chair
at the fake-me-out
window-pane broken wood falls
to the floor
I feel faint
leaning against
the stone wall
I fallslide down to the floor
I'm really stuck
in this small roomwith this fuckin' Whore.
well what the hellis she staring at
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oh she thinks I'm fat
she disapproves of my clothes
she isn't happy with
the size of my nose
or, more importantlythe size of my chest
I'm stuck in a small room
no way outthis slut thinks she knows
all about me
I'm not fond of this bitchReflection
and I'm pretty sure she's not
so fond of me
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Pieces of Myself
You only think you know me.
Pieces of myself
spread all over the place.You look right through me.Invisible.
My superpowers include:
genuine sincerity -honestly. I lie
in bed at night
dreaming. Hopes anddesires that are more
than subconscious.
When I wake upand remember
pieces of myself
in a journal, I
set my goals outmy dreams; blue prints
for what is to come.
I’ve come to you
for help; opinions; support…
and your reply
directs me in a completelydifferent direction,
at every intersection.
You will no longer bea source of my inspiration.
I don't need your support -
lack of concern
for my well being
or success.
My heart guides me bestand I don't need
a different beat;
you try to makemy struggle harder; make
my wounds deeper.
Scars keep me alive;Show me I can, in fact, bleed.
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And, that
is the only thing
I can ever needfrom you.
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Don’t Pull Your Foot Away
when I trip
and fall down hard
don't pull your foot away
my misery and failure
might make you smile
my heartache and strugglemay brighten your day
but my soul
my passion for lifeis deeper and stronger
than any words could ever say
show yourself for what you are
don't pull your foot away
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I’ll Shut The Blinds
I'll shut the blinds
to fall asleep,
unable to keep my eyes awake.They're tiredand want to escape,
the endless tears
that blur their vision.They fall for it every time,
shutting out the pain
hiding from the light,
until the sun pries them open.
It must be morning.
I’ll shut the blinds.
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Walking Contradiction
a walking contradiction
anti-religion with
a deep-rooted belief systemfree-spirited slaveto her own indecision
a wealth of wisdom
lacking faith in her own intuition
an idol inconsistency
concrete wall
protects her heart’s cadency hollow places
allow entry for injury
despite the scarsshe loves unconditionally
a flawed transcendence
defective dollrecalled for conformance
sick society
crucified her innocencevintage views
cause too much turbulence
a tranquil derangementsoft-spoken words
needing a pen’s empowerment
issues in lifefrom logic to sentiment
written in volumes
both lavish and strident
an indiscriminate design
visible goals
requiring much effort and timedependent desire
subjected to stupefied minds
dropped the book
to fit in with the times
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I’m A Hamster
Sometimes I find myself
feeling lost with no drive;
no ambition or willto survive.
Sometimes I ask myself
what my purpose is -hoping to figure out why
I’m alive.
My idealistic sidetries to conjure up
a comfortable philosophy on life.
But, cynicism strikes.
Sometimes reality isn’t real.
The things we think we know
or feelrust like tarnished steel.
Sometimes I imagine
I am just one of many foolsspinning on my little wheel.
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Chapter Five
Inside the Chrysalis
broken down natural coursewe're all the same in the beginninginsects
crawling
barrenhoping to emerge
with wings
dis-assembled andcompletely re-modeled
inside the chrysalis
we control the outcome
wrapped in cocoons
self-made protection
claiming false desiresaspirations of greatness
only to emerge
uglier than before.
dissected and
completely re-constructed
inside the chrysalisalone and undone
nature supplies the waywe find the will
one chance to live a beautiful life
inside the chrysalismost become moths
all learn to fly
we control the outcome
with the beautyinside
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Silly Bitch
A few thousand dollars
and a school bag;
a train rideheading for happiness.Can I get a ticket?
No, no. Silly bitch.
They dug you a hole. Now, sit in their ditch...
and die.
Appreciate their efforts.They went to such lengths
to make it deep enough
to bury the cloudyou keep
your dreams stuffed inside.
You’re strong enough to climb, but they smoothed the edges
of your soon-to-be tomb,
and hung your failuresaround the height that meets
your eye.
They only want your soul broken, molded.
Silly bitch,
you should have just sold it.
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Boob
your strength relies on the weakness of other's lies
envy and doubt
judgmental minds can't functionwithout the free-spirit you possessyour desire to digress
and leave the crowd behind
you've found what they can't findambition
skill
and drive
watching you fall keeps them aliveyour beauty radiates from within
no need for powdered skin
crayoned lipsor blush
true beauty is in no rush to mask itself
you're persistence at life is unparalleled
their insults fade into the airunnoticed
past the shield of strength you've built
you have too much free willto be a photo-copied
cut and glued
mindless
generic boob
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Beauty in This
a little girl
searches for scissors
in the junk drawer -doll in hand - blonde strands
soon fall all over
the kitchen floor.a present from
her grand-pop,
she quickly cuts
the faux satinknee length dress
into a crop top;
turns a pieceof duct tape
into a mini skirt.
she runs upstairs:one black marker
makes a black skirt;
a purple one dyesthe hair;
a blue bic
used for eyeliner;a red one
for the lips...
and amongst
all the others
same makeupsame pose
same hair
same clothes...
she finds beauty
in this.
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Footnotes
Sometimes you have to follow your heart,
swallow your pride,
& hope you don't choke.You can't ever give up on the things you need the most.Everyone makes mistakes,
And, if you don't take risks,
how will you ever know the answers to the what if's?
You have to listen to what your heart wants,
even if your mind says its wrong.
Sometimes the road to realization is long,and maybe it hurts,
but you must put your happiness first.
Some have been thought brave
because they were afraid
to run away[1],
but that doesn't make it okay to stay.When your heart aches for a different path
than your feet have found,
sometimes you have to turn around,find the right ground,
and follow the beat in your chest.
Your mind doesn't always know best.
Some desire is necessary to keep life in motion[2],
and there is no magic potion to erase your deepest yen.
You must let your heart over-speak your head to succeed.You can't ever give up on the things you need.
Our truest life is when we are in our dreams awake[3],no matter what is at stake.
There is no wrong risk to take
when it's a decision you let your heart make.
Sometimes you have to let things go,
or else you may never know if it was meant to be.
even if it seems that your every hope and dream falls to shit,
you will always succeed in knowing the what if.
[1] Thomas Fuller[2] Samuel Johnson
[3] Henry David Thoreau
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Skeletons
the skeletons in your closet
are crowding up the room
one by one emergingsinging their signature tune
fucking up your presentdwelling on the past
ensuring that your happiness
won't last
you could join the pity party
you could shut out the light
you could stuff them back in there
until another night
but there's always the window
you keep shut so tight
could open it for them
and wish them farewell
could send all your demonsright back to hell
the future is halted when the past remains nearthe present's a gift only ruined by fear
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Chapter Six
Once Upon A Time
I tried to write a storyand found no ink in my pen.I grabbed a pencil later.
and tried it again.
The point broke offthree words in.
I pressed too hard -
the story begins
"once upon a..."-then ends.
The following dayI made another attempt
to write a poem of sorts
that starts off where I left.
"once upon a... timeI had a pen with no ink;
a pencil that broke;
a mind that couldn't think"Then the Cat in the Hat
came strolling my way -
kept saying the Doctor
would roll in his grave.He ripped up the poem -
only left me one line
and with that I began
Once upon a time...
there lived a girl with such skill
she could write a million poems
that'd give the Devil a chill.
But, the old village Witchcast a spell on the Scribe,
crippling her talent -
that which kept her alive.
The girl didn't knowthe source of her block,
and as time ticked away
by the hands of the clockshe questioned her craft;
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doubted her art…
as the emptiness inside
sunk deep in her heart.She visited the Healer
in search of a cure
but he never heardof her disease before.After days of confusion
weeks of disbelief
months of afflictionshe needed relief.
So, she tried to write a story
and found no ink in her pen.She grabbed a pencil later,
and tried it again.
The point broke offthree words in.
She pressed too hard -
the story begins
"once upon a..."-then ends.
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I am a Writer
This ink provides you with
the clarity you desire.
Because I am a writer.
I connect
the feelings inside
with the words you couldn’t find to describe them in your
own time.
Language is my lifeline.
When I strum
the strings of your soulto the rhythm inside your chest
you feel the beat…
meter, rhyme
and verse.
My music lives inside you first.
When I feel inspired
it’s like a spark of fire
that is fueled by my own desire
to further inspireyou.
Brilliance is what I aspire to.
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Sandcastles
a sandcastle with various
sea shells adorning
it's delicatelycrafted columnsrefuses to surrender
to the sunset
as the sun dips
down into the water
past the horizon
the wind strengthensitself for battle
with the innocent
each moment passing
is unavoidable doom
and as I watch
a coral colored shellfalls into the sand below
grains of dustare carried away slowly
with each passing breeze
yet half remains
the castle refuses to go
it grows late
and much time passesas I watch layers
of what was once
a royal inventionenter extinction
tomorrow
children will build castlesin the sand
and at night
you can find meon the beach
with a pen in my hand.
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So Smile
Is it possible?
Is it real?
I’m still capable? I can feel? Numb to the core, but
the times I’ve cried…
I put it all aside.For the first time
in a long time
I feel alive.
You can't hidewhat's behind your eyes.
Beautiful soul inside…
keep me alivewith your smile.
Just a little piece of heaven
makes a trip through hellworthwhile.
For just a little piece of heaven
I’ll walk the shadows for miles and miles.
I find a little piece of heaven
every time you smile.
So, smile.
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I’m Happy
I’m happy
‘cause I feel
how I’ve wanted to feel for the longest time.You hold me
and I feel
the way I’ve wished to feel with you
by my side.
You kiss me
and I feelthe way I’ve dreamed to feel
knowing you are mine.
I’m happy ‘cause I feel
what I’ve found in you
is so hard to find.