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Mar 15, 2016
Today I looked in the mirror.
No longer am I living in that beautiful 5 stone figure. An extra 2 and
a half stone has taken me over in as little as 4 years and it is shameful. Although everbody says this is healthy. This disgusting body is normality
and now I have to live with it.
My reflection stares back at me blankly. All I can see is imperfections.
They have taken over my body.
Its been 4 years since
I overcame an eating
disorder. But the demons still dwell inside me.
Why did I let myself get like this?
It all started when I was around 16/17. My par-ents split up, I was try-ing to take my A levels,
friend seemed fickle and
sparse and emotionally
I was weak. I felt like I couldnt control the way
my life was headed. I felt like I had hit a brick wall
and there was nothing I could do about it. I was
stuck as this person I
hated and needed to do anything. I succumbed
to Ana. The only thing
that made me feel as if I had some control over
my own life, even though
it was the disorder that controlled me. At least it
cared enough to make me
feel as if I was achieving.
I was counting calories,
keeping records and con-trolling my food intake. I was finally had power of a
part of my life no matter
how miniscule that part
may be. I watched the weight
drop off me. My clothes
started to slowly hang off me and I got such a thrill
from trying on clothes
while shopping and a
size 8 was too big. It was brilliant! I couldnt believe
it. Although I struggled
finding clothes to fit and
usually had to buy an 8 and take it in myself. But it didnt matter. Because
I wasnt eating or being a slob I had more time to spend on how I looked.
Finally I was going to be beautiful and everybody knows beautiful people
succeed. I was so excited.
My parents and friends
didnt seem to understand this though. They told me I was looking awful, but I
suppose I was. Because I
still wasnt skinny enough.
WEDS MARCH 1, 2006...skipped breakfast to-day. That meant i could fit in 50 more sit ups to my usual 100 every morning anyway.lunch time at school. some peo-ple just mindlessly stuff-ing their faces with calo-ries. dont they understand they are so disgusting? i had a yoghurt. 65 calories. thats a bit much for lunch! made my-self dinner,, pasta salad. 160 calories, but i only ate half. still that makes 225 for the day. need to get an early night be-fore i start feeling weak. sleep is the only distraction from the hunger.
MON MARCH 1, 2010...Breakfast - 2 slices of toastlunch - cheese sandwhich, crisps, bottle of coke.dinner - dominoes pizza, cheese and tomato.Total of 1047 calories.
Eating away at me, there is a Pain, Feeding on my agony. A breeding parasite prevails. It gnaws away my insides, taunts me with its strength, acid burning up, a flare up of self hate, a constant reminder of
the core weakness in me. Decisions to be made are cho-sen by the Pain. No control do
I have over its actions. Its grasp is too strong for me
to throw off. I cannot move.Only to trem-ble and shake, the
Pain is back.I am eaten
YESTER-DAY I ATE 2 SLICES OF CAKE. TODAY I MUST NOT EAT ANY-THING.
THIS IS YOUR PUNISHMENT. IM A FOOL. I HAVE TO RE-ALISE HOW DISGUST-ING I AM OR I WILL NEVER BE WORTH ANYTHING.
03/12/2005I thought it would be a good idea to build on my current diet plan and chal-lenge myself today. I so far have been really successful
at cutting down my calo-ries and in 2 weeks I have
lost 5lb. The recommend-ed amount for women is something like 1000 calo-ries a day so I wanted to at least halve this to begin with. I did better than I thought though, in the
first few days I managed
to cut down to around
250 calories on average. It
can only get better. I have
been trying to think of other methods to help me
lose weight. I researched
it and some girls make themselves sick to trick
their bodies into thinking they have eaten so they wont go through the pain
of hunger. I tried it and I dont think I will be doing it again. I find that sleeping
helps get rid of the hunger
pains. If I feel hungry, I
sleep and then I wake up
feeling refreshed, well-rest-ed and ready. So perhaps
making myself sick isnt
for me. Ive looked at fast-ing though. It allows me to eat a little more, obviously
only within my restricted
calorie allowance and then
I will fast for a day. I will only consume water dur-ing my fasting days to keep
me hydrated so I can still
complete my daily exercise
routine. Which I am also
really happy with at the
moment. I now do a series of squats, lunges and sit
ups every morning before
school, then when I come
home from school and
then also before I go to bed. On weekends I will just exercise as soon as I
am bored. Its the only way I can notice a difference
and I really can see it. Ive
never been so happy.
These are some facts I found about Anorexia Nervosa victims. I first read them and though they were pathetic excuses for those who dont understand the complexity of this lifestyle. I then realised I was only making excuses for myself. I suppose it really shows I havent recovered...
Food and eating dominate the lif
e of a person with ano-
rexia nervosa. Weight loss is achi
eved by excessive diet-
ing and other extreme ways of co
ntrolling weight. These
behaviors are fueled by an intens
e desire to be thinner and
a fear of becoming fat.
Eating disorders can re-quire long-term medical
care and disrupt function-ing in school, work, and
relationships. While severe
cases can lead to permanent
disability and even death,
recent advances in the understanding of anorexia
nervosa provide hope for
more success in treatment. Currently, about 75% of
people with anorexia ner-vosa experience improve-ment with treatment.
People with an eating disorder think about food, weight, and body image constantly. They usually have chronic medical and psycho-logical problems relat-ed to these issues and how they eat.
23/02/2006Ive been feeling so tired recently. The hunger pains are beginning to get to me. I think I have spent the past few hours crying. But I cant settle them. I already went over my 200 calorie a day limit yesterday by eating yoghurt because I couldnt bear it anymore, so today I had to fast. And it hurts so much. Im so weak. I couldnt do half of my morning exercise routine and when I went to try again after school I couldnt even get to 50 squats without feeling faint. Ive been keeping myself hydrated and I just dont understand what is wrong. Ive been doing so well. I was speaking to another girl who has pretty much the same ideals as me. She said she only tried fasting once a week now, whereas I do it every couple of days. She has also said she has upped her calorie intake to allow for more highly ener-
gising foods but also upped her exercise regime to com-pensate. I think she has about 300-400 calories a day and on top of a similar regime to mine, goes for a 2 mile run every other day. I am almost at my target weight anyway so once I get there it will be fine and it will all be about main-taining and balancing the diet to keep myself there. I am currently 5 stone 6lb. My target weight is 5 stone exactly. Its incredible to think that I have lost nearly 3 stone in about 2 months. I am so proud of myself. That final 6lb should be a doddle. I am going to try what this girl does and up my calorie count and change my exercise pat-tern to see if I can cope a little more and hopefully the next 6lb will be gone. I give myself 14 days maxi-mum, but if I can do it in one week then I will be so happy. I cant believe how well I am doing!
some-times i wish
i could live my
life effortlessly,but mostly im caught up in
sometimes i give in and let myself heal
but reaching the sky is my intimate aspira-
when my body cries out to me, i close my ears
but when my mind scolds me, i cant disobey
captivating ads and announcements so clear
beauty and success, just one pound away
happiness, just twoand self-love, quite a few
sometimes i need an escape from this hollow home,
but im captive to treadmills and running on emptythe faster i run the closer the victory,
but in conquering the sky, the journey is ended.
08/03/2006I did it. 5 stone exactly.
I was so happy when I
stepped on the scales this
morning. I even celebrated
by having a rice cake for
breakfast. I never have breakfast, kinda hoping
I hadnt ruined it! One problem though. I was
getting ready this morning to go and meet a friend. I got dressed, put my make
up on and straightened my
hair, as I would normally. I
was in such a good mood
because of the success. I
then stood up to take one
final look in the mirror and
I couldnt believe what I
was seeing. I was disgust-ing. I wasnt beautiful at all. I was skinny but not beautiful. I didnt under-stand. I still dont. All this
hard work and as soon as I have reached my goal it
was ruined. I had succeed-ed in nothing but making myself a smaller version of