MARYJANE XXXthemaryjane.com/uploads/3/4/0/5/34055473/maryjane_2019_letterbp… · THE MARYJANE A TRADITION SINCE 1990 Hey MaryJane. You did it again! Three more days right after Labor

THE MARYJANE A TRADITION SINCE 1990

Hey MaryJane. You did it again! Three more days right after Labor Day on which we were able to, at

worst get rained on, but never rained out.

Thirty years means that your streak is at 90 consecutive golfable days. Good on you, girl. We only have

to do it four more times in search of a perfect score of “102”

Before we start with your annual recap, we would be remiss in not introducing you to some of your new

neighbors. Doc Walton moved up and in in February and Brian White’s dad, Bill, joined you

just a couple of days ago. Men of virtue and kindness. Be sure to show them the ropes in search of a

well-earned good time

As for those of us on Da Rainch last month, we learned what we had often expected. The Eyes of

Texas were upon us.

Long frustrated by being the Day without a (Maryjane) Jacket, Texas Tom Day came “loaded for

bear”. He hit the Cloquet Country Club Introductory round, his bag filled with attitude. With a Gross

Score less than 50, he showed us what a Dreamer’s Card looked like. Unfortunately he did this in less

than ten holes, at which point his body’s deterioration convinced him that this was not his year to

participate in the main event. More than 20 years of penance and the annual Big

Hurt persists.

But his across the street neighbor in Double Oak, brought game with him.

Defending Champion Jim Hovanec missed the playoff by one swing.

Out of 216 choices, which swing, do you figure was “that #*&@%$ swing”?

Leaving it to next door neighbor Bob Knoll (MJ Class of 2009) to bring the brand new living room

MaryJane trophy back to TEXAS to flaunt his proficiency to all who visit his humble abode. Bob

Knoll, (a pastry chef (cannoli being his specialty)) turned golfer; a man bred in the pedigree of a sleek

Studebaker; an American airline Grey Eagle.

What did he do? He had a modest, but not great first day, a stinkeroo LOFTY day 2. And then a Mike

Allen Saturday. (The late Mike had a penchant for shooting fabulous rounds on Saturday. Given that

Saturday only has team games; Mike’s super low net scores never did anything other than lower his

handicap for day one of the next year. Bruno is the modern version) Mister Knoll posted a “nifty net

60” on Saturday. But that did it. It put him into the playoff. And unlike what normally happens, he won

a fair sized check. The remainder of his stipend included two bottles of MaryJane Flavor and two vintage

MaryJane candy bars. Congratulations Bob.

MARYJANE XXX


What he really is, is a guy who can actually play the game of golf. A regular participant in this annual

foolishness.

Shootout? Playoff? You ask

For the first time since Bill Finley bested Tim Flaherty in 1999 to win the right to serve us all dinner in

2000, we spent 54 holes over three days essentially determining nothing

At the end of that period, we had four participants who had swung their clubs in combat 215 times.

(Plus the modest few strokes that they were each given based upon their perceived abilities)


Along with Mr. Knoll was Mister Hovanec, Indianapolis edition, referred to as Cousin Tom

(1995); Harju Senior (2000) who came in from Colorado; and the Golfmeister who refines his

attitudes in Massachusetts.

Cousin Tom last visited

in 1999, the year that Mr.

Finley won the first

playoff. Therefore to Tom,

what happened this year

was no big deal. But Tom

had game, like we had

never seen before. In

addition to tying for top

place, he was the 2019

Mister Putz. But

unfortunately he had a

little bit too much “Kim

Newman/Ed Upton” in

him.

When put in front of the cameras in the Playoff, Cousin Tom hit his tee shot to Kim Newman/Ed Upton

Country, i.e. “Out of Bounds, Left” behind the viewing gallery. Being a competitor, and probably

remembering cousin John’s “ hole in one at Chaska” story of many years ago (following a lost ball with

an ace), Tom reteed a ball and promptly sent it to the same damn place that the first one went. Now

that is what our memory of Kim Newman is all about. Way to go Tom. (Point of clarification: Since the

concept of an Ace that shows as a “5” on the scorecard was of no interest to this man, he properly just

picked up his clubs and toddled back to Indiana.

On his drive home, we are wondering which hole held a bigger part of his memory bank: his “9”

on the par four fourth hole or his “10” on the par 3 18th hole. He He was that close to victory.

Mister Colorado, Randy Senior had a lot more class than Cousin Tom. He had a consistent approach in

dealing with the 145 yard playoff 18th hole. On both his first and second go around he laid up short of

the green, managed his way to the putting surface, and displayed his putting skills from there. The first

time, Herr Knoll also took a local route to the green, but come the second time, he had a greenie and

dispatched Randy back to his home.


Now this was Randy’s second brush with MaryJane greatness. Three years ago Randy was the

comfortable leader going into Day Three. But he

suffered the misfortune of blowing an 8 shot lead and

coming in fifth. So his inner self likely prepared to help

him deal with the 2019 calamity. But here is the point.

HE SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN IN THE

PLAYOFF. He did not have a 215 he had a 216!!!

WAYNE DAVIS (2012) HAD A 215. Accordingly we

already know who is going to be slotted into the 2020

shootout under our long established Henry Moller

Rule.

But what was troubling, Mary Jane was

the mistakes in the scoring.

Anyone in attendance knew that the golfmeister was

on the war path in 2019 over mis -added scorecards.

And he has always held to our No Arguments: No

Audits fundamental Rule of Sportsmanship. In fact, he

personally made each card receipt an arduous process

for all involved this year. But as it worked out Randy’s

“99” on day three was really a “100”. (As for Wayne

Davis, the heretofore secret post audit that is

performed in Kennedy Country revealed that while his

three scorecards were correct, the addition of these

three numbers to come up with a total that was a bit

remiss.


The explanation? Randy’s partner and scorekeeper on Day Three was THE GOLFMEISTER. As soon as

that genius collected all of the cards he went into the ECC and tabulated the final results. It is to be

assumed that he was distracted when he saw that he, of all people, was one of the four involved in the

playoff yada yada yada

In any event the golfmeister will not be taking any of these revelations to the grave with him, and will

not be refunding any money to those others who were guilty of incorrect addition. Memo to file: He

fined himself $20 ($10 for him and $10 for Randy, and paid himself in crisp hard cash)

The golfmeister’s approach to his playoff opportunity included a twenty yard (maximum) lay-up off the

tee followed by an acceptable chip and an unfortunate three putt.

But he was satisfied in that he took the playoff opportunity to model his John Daly Money Pants and

utilize the services of Drea as his personal caddy. She artfully selected the pick of his golf ball litter as

his chosen weapon (she went with a blue one). She also went to the driving range to warm up his clubs a

bit. She held his jacket, his glasses, his beer, and her mouth as he flailed away, And she toted his 35

pound golf bag back and forth to the 18th tee. And finally she promptly donated 100% of his generous

payment to her to the 2019 MJ Charity. She may well have a future in this grassroots social club named

in your honor.

So upon final reflection “event 2019” went right down to the finish … and then some … What more

could a fan ask for

In addition it produced a worthy champion and a few interesting by-lines.

But, Maryjane, there is a lot more that you will be delighted to hear

We had our preliminary round at the Cloquet Country Club, where John Hovanec and his Cloquet

High School Golf Team Hoodie were front and center as he held court with his boyhood chums.

But the highlight of this year’s practice venture was a new game (to us) called Anaconda. To educate

you, the way this game separates you from your money is as follows. Each foursome has to keep track of

its “three putts”. The first person to get one immediately incurs a liability to the other three members of

his foursome. He is on the bubble. The next time a player gets a three putt, he replaces man number

one “on the bubble:” and man number one is permanent owner of his own money. And so it goes until

you determine who the last on is to mess it up with his putter. The “problem” lies in the pricing of the


bet. The first 3 putt has a liability of 50 cents. When it goes to number two, it doubles to $1. For

numbers 3, 4, and 5 it continues to double up to $2, $4, and $8.

The first foursome included Returning Local Hero John Hovanec who had the last of 4 triples in that

foursome. Therefore he owed $4 to each of his playing partners. The second group announced that The

Gay French Guy (Marc Malleuge) was the loser. But, alas, Mark was man number 9 to sit on the

bubble.

$8 .. $16 $32 $64 $128. Paying $128 to his three mates was hard enough to the extent that he did it.

But the shame of paying $40 for a round, cart included, and playing on greens that were the fastest that

most of us had seen in our lifetimes and then screwing it up with a putter implosion of the 17th green

should be enough to test a man’s mettle.

But Mark is a planner and was up to the task. The key part of

his planning routine was having his son Gay Guy Junior

(Scott) (2012) in the final foursome. When GG Jr approached

the bar, he admitted quite readily that he has the last

Anaconda in his group, and, in fact, had their 13th three putt.

When he came to realize that $128… $256… $512… $1,024…

$2,048 was a big number, he came to understand what the

game is all about. It is a guy like that who will remember that

fun game and try it again on some course where he

knows the lay of the land and the lines on all of the

greens

Back to the Playoff, MaryJane

So as to promote transparency in our little event, had

there been a Shootout, rather than a Playoff, the

entrants would have been Dave and Dan Leary,

along with Gay Guy Junior Scott Malleuge,

and Chris Cznokrak (Alphabits). “Cereal boy”

ended up in the field when Tony Strupeck shuttled

himself off for medical attention to deal with problems

associated with a person’s splitting of his own wrists.

As a point of informat ion, Tony decided to save

himself a buck and regrip his own clubs. While this is

not the hardest job in the world and it will save you 4

or 5 dollars, it does involve the use of a cutting tool to

remove the old grip. Tony made a predictable choice


when he selected to use a knife. Let’s just say this: Florida boy was not up to the task. In addition to

slicing up the old grip, he also sliced up himself. And he made his money by dealing with

safety systems in America’s prison system? Our

Kind of guy.

But you have to consider his full 2019 odyssey to get a true

picture of the man. Friday before our event Tony is in

Tulsa. After listening to Fort Lauderdale Eastep bail out of

the Maryjane on Thursday night due to impending hurricane

Dorian, we hear from Tony that he off for Port Saint Lucie

for the weekend before coming north on Tuesday.

Collectively, those of us on Da Rainch, hearing this, displayed that quizzical hairy eyeball that seemed to

apply. When Dorian really got going, we spoke with Jerry on Monday night and he confirmed that with

14 mph winds (yes, 14) and a touch of rain, he was hunkered in for the

duration. But then Tony chimed in to say that he was cancelled out of

Orlando on Tuesday but would give it a try on Wednesday. As luck

would have it, he made his way out of either West Palm or Fort

Lauderdale (without Jerry). With age comes wisdom. Isn’t that what

your grandfather used to tell you? Case in point, “to the grandkids in

Tulsa.”

But Tony was not alone in “the cross to bear” category.

The Leary Twins, Slick and Nifty were given the challenge of

showing us their best shot using a Medicus Driver. Those of you who

are familiar with the Medicus know that wiggles of the club were not

condoned by the club’s designer. In fairness they both managed to

make contact with the ball (Mike Soucy: Pay attention…. It could be

done) but they did not elect to use it on the course (NOTE TO FILE:

Maybe the Medicus is the missing ingredient to use in Project Tim Herron… let him compete with the

Medicus and the croquette mallet for 54 holes)(hmmmmm)

But Dave brought his long game once again and took home the Oh Calcutta look how long mine is

award, beating Brian White by a comfortable distance. For this he was properly paid and took home

the hubris of being the better brother. If Gay Guy Junior hadn’t

been there, maybe it would have worked out for Dave. But given

that one Of Dave’s inherited responsibilities is to provide the

Preparation H for the man with the low gross score (it is an

applicant to be used on irritating assholes) maybe justice was

served.


Given that Gay Junior and the Leary’s were the low gross guys, and that the playoff foursome were the

low net guys; if there is a lowest there has to be a highest.

In reality Dave Kingsbury was DA MAN. But

his seizure of a crown owned by Gray Hartley for

all these years proved to be a bit of a false crown.

To wit, Gray went to a funeral in Duluth on Friday

and was unable to post a 54 hole entry. Now, in

reality, his proud offspring Dylan filled in on

Friday. The boy has learned from the master. If we

had put Team Harley up against the retired

professor, Hartley would be the name to

remember,

Once again we had audit problems with the

award. We awarded the inaugural Catheter Prize

to Brian Harju (2003). As background; Brian

and Le Real Kirk Gibson were just a sight to

behold on days one and two. They both had facial

expressions that told the world how bad they had

played. But then, wouldn’t cha know, they both

came to realize that there was a chance that the

other one was worse. Up turned the smiles and off

they went to play day three. Each had a good third

round. But whereas Kirk was the loser between

the two, Brian was the loser at the end of the round. And the margin between both, both before and

after, was one shot.

Thus Brian Harju is the Inaugural recipient of the Golden Catheter Award.

The Inscription:” since you played piss poor, let this little gadget help you

to piss good.” Note: Instructions for proper use can easily be found on

YouTube.

Returning veteran Mark Malleuge (2010) , noted above, was the

designated host of the 2019 Group Joke Off, Dave Kingsbury assisting.

But the steering committee was quite disappointed when Mark was

unable to retell the story aka joke that he told in 2010 in such an elaborate

manner that we all thought he was funny (only to be told by Minnesota

Tom the next day “I have seen him tell that joke 40 times and he finally


got it right last night”. Being told that story, he failed to remember what he has was talking about when

he came racing out of the kitchen, hitting the floor with a kneed slide… and then yapping his way to the

response of group laughter and guffaws

Getting back to Kirk …. Allegedly making his last road trip by non-stop car from Pennsylvania, he learned

well this year. His third day net was 20 shots better

than his first day net. Any teacher would be proud.

His son Bear (2015) won the group joke off. And he

KIRK GIBSON was the charity MAN OF THE YEAR.

How? You ask.

Kirk spent the last year, after watching our failed

attempt to shave some dude in 2018, growing his

hair, in the hopes of having enough to donate. He

brought his own clippers to assist. And then proceeded to auction off his hair to charity LEAVING THE

EYEBROW AS IS AND WHERE IS. Nifty collected $460 for the cause. It brought smiles to everyone’s

face. Being a trooper, he was not the least bit troubled by the fact that Jada and Drea were shaving

heads for the first time. No cuts were reported until Kirk did it himself after returning home to

Harrisburg. Let’s see how long that lasts. Kirk Gibson aka THE BALD EAGLE from Da Rainch

Maybe when he flies in here next year, we will have him bring the Bat with him. Time will tell, but it

looks good from here, dontcha think, MaryJane

As an aside, MaryJane, we have announced our sun setting schedule for the MJ whereby the 34th and

final will be held in 2023 on Cape Cod Massachusetts and will have an entry in the field that will consist

of four women. Given that this is our ending point, there might as well be a transition point wherein our

caddies transform themselves into angels on the fairways. We toyed with a transgender arrangement

this year, but that concept died on the vine, so in one of the next three years, we are going to open up

the stable. Stay tuned and chime in if you or Elsa have any brilliant ideas

Sunsetting also gives us the challenge of identifying

the conceptual goals of the three more Minnesota

MJ’s that remain to be dealt with. By the end of this

tome, we will hopefully have a few ideas for you to

consider.Now, MJ, we have talked about the highs

and the lows of various categories this year, but we

should start to introduce you to our 2019 Most

Valuable Participant. Plucked from a Canadian town

named Sarnia, Gray Hartley donated DONUTS

THE COP.


Side bet: How many of those who went to MJ 2019 know what DONUT’s Birth name is?

In any event, this gentleman was introduced to us as a bicycle man and we met him while he was

participating in the Trans Minnesota bike rally in June. Yak yak yak… he heard our sales pitch… he

bought in we told him his job… he agreed… and thus it came to pass that we got daily donuts from

DONUTS THE CANADIAN COP. And being a clean cut Canadian, he was kind enough to police the area

and accept all of the leftovers as his Saturday night dinner. All in all it was a well-made plan that got

done. Now how often does that happen? I am sure you join with me in saying THANKS DONUTS, WE

COULDN’T HAVE DONE IT WITH OUT YOU

And to add frosting to the Canadian cake, DONUTS “Had (a)Game”. He plodded this way to a 115

opening round before make a nifty 102 on day two. As a result he was the leader starting on day 3. But,

alas, the best he could do was finish in 6th place at 217, two shots away from potential awe and glory

As for Randy Nebraska, our original target

out there in Dwight Nebraska, we still do not

have a clue as to what went wrong with that

communication line. But Nebraska cannot say

that we didn’t give them a shot. Now our most

desired states target will shift to Oklahoma

and Arkansas

Now Maryjane, as I am sure you may have

observed over the years, our annual collection

of dreamers and schemers runs the gamut of personalities. Some guys will never get out of the glow of

their mother’s eyeball, while others were just born to

bitch.

o make my point consider the guy named Bruno... Kiwi.

Lady’s Rugby Coach. A snowbird living in Tucson. A

workmate of Brian White and Tony Strupeck. Took a

few years off Came back to the 2018 MaryJane. Played

below his self-esteem norms. Came back in 2019. Saw his

scheduled handicap. And started to bitch bitch bitch. He

was unable to get Tony to give him some of his strokes. Now in 2019 he

fattens up his handicap on day one. Day two? The genius posts a net

61. Wait until we hear him bitch about the consequences of that come

next year. But in the hopes that he reads this annual letter, let him

reflect on what we want from him next year. We want him to bring an

Aussie with him so that we can perform our own judgements on that old

Kiwi/Aussie question and/or bring us a Mexican cop. The Canadian cop


was aces, but let’s give is a shot and see what Poncho has to offer. Mexican donuts? What the heck

why not NAFTA to the rescue

Henry boring?

WHAT’S THIS, Maryjane?

Henry Moller, number

one on the seniority list,

continues to plague us with

his year in and year out

rounds in the high 80’s and

low 90’s.

Many of us have lived on that

planet and subsequently

come back to earth… But Jeez

Henry lighten up

Well this year the rallying cry

was “Hurry up, Henry”

We apparently touched a

nerve because, Maryjane, on

Thursday afternoon Henry made a public challenge to the GM to a mano a mano game at 4 pm on

Friday. “Let’s see who the slow golfer is”

Long story short … Henry 79 years young… walking … carrying bag … versus the spirit of 76 …the

golfmeister

The result? NINE HOLES in 1:13 walking and carrying… each man with at least one par … Henry

took fewer swings… HENRY HAS LOST ANY FUTURE SYMPATHY FOR DELIBERATE OR MEASURED PLAY.

Try to remember to remind us to get him some speedos for 2020.

Mike Soucy (1995)… the man who always comes the farthest (from Singapore) may have a problem

in 2020. Delta stopped flying to Singapore on 9-20-19 Now we will get to see if Junko is trying to clear

out space at home for a week or not ???


Lame excuses continued to

populate the email and text

responses. The big bad wolf is

going to blow my house

down. I have terminal cancer

and my wife and do ctor will

not transfer my care to you

guys. The normal stuff that

grows in size every year.

But the Your Excuse Really

Sucks Award for 2019

goes to Ed the dead Upton.

In detail: The week before the

event Ed Upton (1994) calls

the GM and says, as an

introduction to what most often

is a 45 minute call “I can’t come.

I am weak. I got no game. I hate

to just ride in a cart”. Significant

in this recollection is that the

GM acknowledges that he heard

it, but never agreed to it. The

conversation shifted to guys who

were using cancer as an excuse

for staying home and how it was

that the 2019 steering

committee was rejecting all

“I have cancer” excuses. Their

rational is “so what”. Everybody has an excuse for having lost their golfing skills (not that you ever had

any), so it just does not fly with us. If you can eat, drink, and laugh… you

come.

Fast forward to the day after Labor Day. Ed is not in MSP to join up with Randy Harju. Ed is called and

asked where he is. His reply: “In bed” “I told you last week that I wasn’t coming.” So Ed no shows. But

guess what. On MaryJane Saturday a Facebook posting pops up sharing with the world the fact that Ed

posted going to the Reno Hot Air Balloon Races. Up at 5 a.m. yada yada yada. Now we can deal with

Burning Man, but Balloon Races??? I dunno , Maryjane, I dunno. It’s a good thing that Reno wasn’t

attacked by 14 mph winds.


Pete Bacig returned this year and managed to get

in two of our three rounds. A great member of our

field and a generous Lofty on Day two. Thanks Pete

Hudson Day no showed again for the umpteenth

time. In fairness to the facts, he has never come. But

to his credit he was appointed Secretary of Defense

for the Stillwater Ponies. In our lifetime, he will tee

them up with the likes of Jack Shreve and Parker

Harju and Dylan Hartley. All young enough; all inept

enough, to be positive adds to the field

Where do we go from here?

I told you MaryJane that MJ XXXIV is going to be on

Cape Cod in 2023. But we have to coordinate 2020,

2021, and 2022 before we get to that

Coming in 2020. A new concept entitled ‘HOW HARD CAN THIS BE?

The format will have a challenger go to the first hole and play one hole with the foursome on the tee. He

will then keep track of his score as well as the scores of the four guys that he just met. When that group

gets to the second tee, the original foursome will just go off on their own. Our Challenger will wait until

the next Maryjane foursome shows up and he will then repeat the same exercise on the second hole,

once again recording the same statistics. He will continue this format until he has played one hole with

every man in the field. The presumption is that he will lose to all of them. Should that be the case, he will

be declared a LOFTY for the day and charged the appropriate fee. On days two and three he will do the

same thing and spend his spare time doing whatever the iron range has to offer him. Now the law of

averages suggests that we are not collectively good enough to completely shut the guy down.

Accordingly, if he beats one guy on one hole, he is not a lofty on that day and saves himself $40. But

more to the point, he deserves to be paid something by the guy that he beats. Should that victim be one

of our 35 or 40 handicappers, he has likely earned $1, but should the gods have him beat a single digit

golfer, we will send out the Brinks Truck to help us settle the accounts. Just an idea that requires a

person with attitude and the ability to swing a club and hit a little ball. As an early update, Little Stevie

Forsberg from Portsmouth England has signed on for the challenge. As a man of the cloth he will be our

first preacher (or barfly) in the field. He should provide an interesting personal public torment as he tries

to combine what he has with what we want.

Alternate candidates include anyone that I am able to find in the next 50 weeks.

In 2021, we will have a playing female (in the event that we do not have one in 2020) and in 2022, we

will have, referring to the bottom video on the Maryjane website “Scott” in the field. Our original


computer jock, he has avoided the MJ since day one. The video that is on the website dates back to

September of 2000. His time is due. He has been advised. He has no interest. He is my nephew. He is my

sole heir. You do the math.

MaryJane Trivia: 2019 edition

1- WHAT WAS DONUTS’ NAME?

2- WHO WAS THE OLDEST IN THE FIELD IN 2019?

3- WHO WAS THE YOUNGEST IN 2019?

4- WHAT WAS THE OPEN BAR BILL ON ANY OR EACH OF THE THREE NIGHTS?

5- WHAT WAS THE WEEKLY RENTAL FOR EACH MAN AT THE WHOREHOUSE?

6- WHAT WAS BEAR GIBSON’s winning joke?

7- Who came the furthest?

8- Who came the closest?

For extra credit a- Total prize pool amount?

b- Who is Bob Lincoln?

c- Who is Mike Bradley?

d- Will we be getting cannoli at VI’s next year?

Send all replies to Denny Nightingale in St Paul.

P.S. Happy 106th Birthday, Elsa


miscellany

WE FORGOT TO USE THE RUBBER CLUB AND THE CROQUEST MALLET THIS YEAR

We forgot to give the champion a $100 wine gift

LITTLE STEVIE FORSBERG WILL BE PROVIDING CRUMPETS IN 2020 RATHER THAN DONUTS

THE CHARITY UPDATE” SMILES SEVERAL SIGNIFICANT DONATIONS ARE AWAITED. FINAL

RESULTS WILL BE POSTED TO THE WEBSITE WHEN AVAILABLE

MARYJANE XXXthemaryjane.com/uploads/3/4/0/5/34055473/maryjane_2019_letterbp… · THE MARYJANE A TRADITION SINCE 1990 Hey MaryJane. You did it again! Three more days right after Labor

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