How to Make Small Talk Like a Pro

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Overview
When attending a party with mixed friend groups, you’re inevitably going to meet
new people. And that means that, whether or not you like it, you're going to have to
make small talk. For shy people or those with social anxiety, small talk can seem like a
mountain that is way too intimidating to climb. However, small talk doesn’t have to be
stiff conversations about the weather and what you’re eating. In fact, these
introductory conversations can be truly rewarding and lead to new friendships,
business connections or . Want to learn how to make dinner party small talk like a
pro? Use these some tips and you’ll be the hit of the party in no time.
Pretend
Friend
Praised as the best advice from the thread, the concept of approaching small talk as if
you were conversing with someone you’re good friends with is as simple as a change
in perception.
Assume the
Best in
People
You’ve probably been taught about stranger danger since you were a child, but those
instincts won’t do you any good when you’re trying to get to know people. The faster
you open up, the more likely it is that you can skip that boring what’s your name and
what do you do? conversation.
Know that No
Names
This one is a bit of a relief to learn about. Turns out remembering names is hard for
everyone. So, don’t feel bad if you need a quick reminder. You probably wouldn’t
hold it against anyone, and it’s unlikely anyone would hold it against you.
Keep the Focus
Conversation
Partner
One of the hardest things about small talk is finding something to talk about besides
the weather. But, pro networkers have figured out that most people like to talk
about themselves. Take that and run with it.
Make
Connections
Compliments
A conversation is a two-way street, so don’t forget to make some connections with
the stories you’re hearing. If all else fails, compliments are pretty universally well
received.
Have Topics
in Mind
Nobody wants to be stuck talking about the weather or your surroundings all night,
so think of a few conversation topics before you embark on your evening, like fun
facts about food or the state you live in. This is particularly important if you’re an
anxious person who is intimidated by meeting new people. While you don’t want to
seem like a rolodex of topics, try to study up a little on current events and pop
culture so you can engage with your fellow party guests.
Ask Questions
(and Follow-Up
Questions)
People love to talk about themselves, so don’t be afraid to load the bulk of the
conversation on them. Even a simple question such as What do you do for a living?
can turn into something more meaningful if you ask more about their job or how they
got interested in that career. Be genuinely interested in what the other person has to
say and the rest of your exchange should flow seamlessly.
Read Up on
Current Events
You hopefully do this already. To make yourself small talk ready, just kick it up a notch
and have an educated opinion. With that said, don’t come up with an inflammatory
thought just for the sake of having one. Instead, stay current on what you care about,
and your passion and knowledge will shine through.
Be Interested
There’s nothing that makes a person more interesting than being interested. Period.
So, rather than faking enthusiasm about someone’s impending move, work to find a
topic you both care about—whether it’s upcoming weekend plans, an adorable puppy,
a new TV show, or the food being passed around.
Channel Your
Inner Puppy
The visual it brings to mind is a little unusual, but the idea makes sense. Enthusiasm
is infectious. When people smile, you want to smile back. Why not use this
knowledge to your advantage when you’re chatting with strangers? It’s genius.
Keep Calm
and Carry On
All that said, in the end small talk isn’t a big deal, so let’s just not make it a big deal.
Relax and know that only you are freaking out about or even aware of all the little
mistakes you think you’re making in a conversation.
Ask for their
opinion
It’s nice when someone wants to know what you think. It’s also interesting to learn
more about what people think and why. Something as simple as this can make people
feel important: “I’m thinking of getting a pair of boots. What do you think I should go for
Blundstones or Doc Martens?”
It’s an emotional memory, and that is more powerful than a fact-related one. And, you
now know them on a deeper level than most work acquaintances.
Find
common
ground
Part of building rapport with someone means finding out where you have similar
opinions. It could be with any of the following:
•Agreement on an issue
•Knowing the same person
•Enjoying a similar background
subject
If you feel like the person you’re talking to is similar to you, or is reasonably open, use
your imagination to take the conversation to some less direct places.
You could dig into the details of what you’re talking about. Things like, “What is it about
cars that inspires you?” “You’ve mentioned going to Mexico a few times. Where would you go if you
went somewhere you’ve never been to before?”
Use what if-scenarios to get people thinking & talking
This is great if you are sitting beside someone new and have a bit of time to chat, like
at a dinner party or a pub get-together.
You can make this as serious or as silly as you like. Here are a few possibilities:
•“What if mobile phones were forbidden?”
•What if you were given 3 wishes – what would they be?
•What if you were a hotdog and you were starving. Would you eat yourself?
•What if animals could talk. Which one would be the rudest?
•If you could spend eternity alone with one person, who would it be?
Make it
listen
Listening isn’t enough – you need to communicate that you hear them. This is
called active listening. If you subtly check your phone while someone’s talking or scan
the room, that will make it less rewarding to speak to you.
•Listen with intent and sincere interest. Give your partner your undivided
attention and listen to understand. This is your only job. If other thoughts jump into
your head, like a story you want to tell, shelf it for a minute. Prioritize letting them
finish and then ask any relevant questions that came to mind while they were talking.
•Use verbal acknowledgment to show that you are listening while they
talk.This could be things like “Interesting,” “Sounds cool!” or “No way!”.
•Use nonverbal acknowledgment that you listen. For example, nodding or
saying Mmmmm” or “uhuh.”
•Ask follow-up questions to keep people talking.“How did that make you feel?”
“And then what happened?” “What did you think when that happened?”
•Ask about what you have been told.“So, does that mean he was stuck in the bathroom
this whole time?”
•Paraphrase what people said to show you heard them and
understand.They: “I lived in Denver all my life and wanted to discover something
new.”You: “So you felt like you were kinda done with Denver.”They: “Yes, exactly!
Mention
something
conversation
naturally
If the discussion seems to be going nowhere, there’s no shame in ending it gracefully.
Here are a few pre-canned exits for those times when you can’t get a rhythm going
with someone.
•“(Excuse me) I have to go find a seat/say hi to X/get ready to do X.Y.Z…”
•It was nice talking to you, but I have to [see above].
•Great to see you, I’m gonna [something], but we’ll catch up again later.
Know that you
need practice to
Making small talk gets easier the more you practice it.
You have to do it to get better at it. It will not come overnight, but you will see gradual
progress over the next few weeks and months.
When you’re better at small talk, social events will not be excruciating, and talking to
people becomes enjoyable. Also, the positive response you get from others will make
you feel good.
experience
Small talk is kind of like speed dating for friends. You invest a minimal amount of time.
You test for common interests, a similar sense of humor, mutual life experiences. If
you get a jackpot on any of those items, you can probe deeper to see if this person is
worth getting to know long term. By the way, they are thinking the same thing. It’s a
two-way street that you’re taking together.
See friendship
shared
experiences
Every interaction is a shared experience. Learning about someone else is meaningful,
and the same applies if they learn something about you. When you have enough
positive shared experiences, you become comfortable around that person. And once
you have comfort, you can build trust and friendship.
Make sure people enjoy being around you; after that, friendships will follow.
Use friendly body language
When people start talking to you, they don’t know anything about you. If you’re
nervous, it might make you look tense and angry, even if that’s not your intention.
Here are some body language tips before you say “Hi”:
•A relaxed smile
•Arms at your side rather than crossed
•Face your feet in their direction
•Your voice is warm and strong, and your words are clear
Make others comfortable first
•Be curious and show genuine interest in them
•Show empathy
•Make easy eye contact and smile to assure them that they are accepted
•Ask and use their name
•Remember, and bring up personal details: “How is your wife/dog/boat doing?”
•Paraphrase what people said to show you listened
•Show trust and some vulnerability
•Say what you think and feel
•One interaction won’t make or break your social life. If you mess up, great – you’ve
learned something for tomorrow.
you talk to someone
•Use the 3-second rule – Approach the person you want to talk to before you can
think. Why 3 seconds? Left to our own devices, we will find a reason not to do it
(a.k.a. we’ll allow fear to stop us).
•Focus all your attention on the other person. It helps keep your self-critical
thoughts away.
•Know that it’s okay to talk to someone despite being nervous. “Courage is
being afraid and doing it anyway.”
•Take deep, calming breaths. It helps your body calm down before you approach
someone.
talk to someone
•Remind yourself of your strengths. Boost your confidence before going out to a
social activity. Remind yourself of the things you do well. Do a few things do what
makes you feel good: work out/puzzles/cold shower/read/game.
•Remind yourself that no one cares about your social mistakes as much as
you do.
•Share how you’re feeling when you start talking to someone. Nothing earth-
shattering, just something honest and open. “I usually don’t step up to people, but you looked
pretty interesting.”
•Practice. You won’t be perfect the first or the fifth time, but you will get
incrementally better every time. Say to yourself: “The outcome of this interaction isn’t
important. What’s important is that I practice”.That can take some of the pressure off you to
succeed.
Conclusion
The phrase small talk sounds like it doesn’t mean much, so it can’t be hard. The
truth is, it’s a skill, and it takes practice to be good at it. Once you do, it will make
your social life MUCH BETTER. Why? Because every meaningful relationship in life
starts with small talk.
So settle in, and let’s dissect small talk and why it’s worthwhile.