Fifth Gear 16 Ep 8 Script 889839B

1

FIFTH GEAR

WORLDWIDE PROGRAMME 8

DUR: 25’ 25”

10:00:00 OPENING TITLES

10:00:21 TIFF NEEDELL VO

In this edition of Fifth Gear, Tim reveals whether

Car Share clubs really can save you money.

It’ll log how long I’ve been in the car and send

me a bill at the end of the month

I head out to what was once the fastest Grand

Prix circuit in the world in the brand new Nissan

370Z.

That’s fantastic.

00:42

And car mad celebrity chef James Martin tests

his driving ability in an F1 car.

Oh man....

FIFTH GEAR

2

10:00:55 - TOM

This is the brand new Toyota Urban Cruiser.

It’s kind of a chunky little SUV thing, based

basically on the same platform as the Yaris. Now

Toyota reckon that this combines an active

lifestyle with green credentials, so as ever I’ve

devised three deeply practical tests to figure out

whether its active, fresh and green, or slow, dull

and a little bit brown.

01:18

Test 1: does it work as a 4 x 4. Now personally

I’m still utterly unconvinced as to why something

called the Urban Cruiser needs 4 x 4 at all, but

because it’s got it, we’re going to test it. So I’ve

come somewhere very slippy – the Austrian Alps.

In Tamworth.

10:01:37 TOM

Now under the bonnet we’ve got a 1.4 litre diesel

with 89bhp. Now that sounds fairly paltry until

you realise the Urban Cruiser only weighs 1100

3

kilos – which makes it’s power to weight ratio

actually very good, and it’s certainly seems to be

coping.

Oh dear.. and ohhhh

No. No.

02:00

Just as quick comparison this is the Nissan X-

Trail – not the world’s most hardcore 4 x 4, but it

does have a similar transmission arrangement to

the Urban Cruiser and similarly rubbish road

tyres. Let’s see how it gets on.

SEQUENCE

10:02:21 TOM

This is absolutely creaming it.

Test 1: Urban Cruiser – fail.

10:02:31 TOM

Test two – Is it Green? Well CO2 or gas

emissions ...

4

Have become an increasing concern of late, so

I’d like you to imagine that each of these

balloons represents 10grams per kilometre of

CO2.

02:44

Now currently a Fiat Panda 4 x 4, the smallest

car we can think of with four wheel drive,

produces this many balloons – fifteen and a half.

Now you’d think the Urban Cruiser, being bigger,

would produce more – but it doesn’t. Fly my

pretties!! Fly!!

It produces just 13 balloons – making it the

greenest 4 x 4 you can buy.

Test two – Is it green? – yes it is. The Urban

Cruiser wins.

10:03:14 TOM

Test Three – Is it cool? Now Toyota says that the

Urban Cruiser is for people who are dissatisfied

with traditional hatchbacks and wants something

that better expresses their individuality.

So I’ve decided to talk to some individuals to see

what they think.

5

10:03:33 TOM

Is this cool?

INDIVIDUALS

Not really for me.

No

No

(Why not?)

Just being honest.

10:03:39 TOM

You wouldn’t want to be seen in it?

INDIVIDUALS

Quite bland

Bland

TOM

Bland is a good word

INDIVIDUALS

It doesn’t seem 4 x 4 it just seems like a little bit

6

of a bigger version of a car.

10:03:51 TOM

If I told you it was sixteen and a half grand

INDIVIDUAL

LAUGHS – I wouldn’t.

TOM

Would that make it better or worse?

MAN

Worse. There’s no way.

10:04:00 TOM

Is it cool? Well that’s always a little bit of a

subjective matter, but when you end up

mentioning the price – No. Fail.

10:04:09 TIM

Right moving on now to something which should

hopefully be just a little bit less rubbish –

Nissan’s new 370Z.

7

TOM

Now Tiff absolutely adored its predecessor the

350Z, but Nissan said they’ve changed

absolutely everything on this new one.

10:04:24 TIFF

Which is rather worrying because there were

only two things I didn’t like about the 350Z.

The first was the suspension crossbeam in the

rear luggage compartment which totally

compromised the space, and that’s gone, and

the other was a very nasty plastic cubbyhole in

the centre console and that’s also gone. So what

have they changed on the rest of it?

10:04:48 TIFF VO

Well for a start the new Z is 50 kilograms lighter

and has 16 more horse power and I love the

design’s new slashes and kicks that make the

car look tighter and meaner. Just look at that

swoopy profile and tell me you wouldn’t like one.

8

05:06

To test the car we’ve come to somewhere very

special. A place I’ve been keen to visit before it

completely crumbles from view.

This is Reims in Northern France, which hosted

the French Grand Prix back in the day.

10:05:21 TIFF

And it was right here back in 1953 that Britain’s

first ever World Champion was involved in the

so-called race of the century, when the dashing

young Mike Hawthorn went head to head with

the legendary Juan Manual Fangio.

10:05:37 TIFF VO

The circuit was incredibly quick – being little

more than a triangle consisting of two very long

straights connected by a section of frighteningly

fast curves.

10:05:49 TIFF

You can no longer drive the whole circuit as this

dusty loop pends into a dead end, but you can’t

9

help but marvel at the heroics of the drivers that

used to wrestle their monstrous machines

through these sweeping corners on their skinny

little tyres.

06:06

Hawthorn and Fangio battled for 60 laps of this 5

mile circuit, swapping the lead on virtually every

straight, with the young upstart occasionally

looking across at his great hero and giving him a

cheeky smile as they roared towards speeds of

nearly 200mph with just little tiny fly screens to

protect them from the elements.

06:27

Now we can’t head towards that sort of speed –

(a) cos we’re on public roads, and (b) because

this Nissan is now limited to 155mph.

What I can appreciate is the extra bit of power

this new 3.7 litre V6 has.

10:06:44 TIFF VO

It serves up a healthy 326 bhp which gets the car

to 62 in just 5.4 seconds.

But it’s the engines grunt that impresses most,

10

just tickle the throttle at any speed and you surge

forward like a bullet train.

07:04

Prices start at just under £27,000, which is 10

grand cheaper than a similarly powered BMW Z4

and 17,000 less than the Porsche Caymmene S.

That sounds like incredible value, provided the

car handles.

To find out we have to detour from the circuit and

head for some bends.

10:07:27 TIFF

Despite all the improvements, the 370 actually

doesn’t feel quite as frisky or responsive as the

350 did. But that’s not really a bad thing

because there’s definitely more overall grip, it’s

just that the balance seems to have grown up a

bit, become a bit more refined. The nose there

still points into the corner very nicely when you

want it to. Once you start addling the power the

rear follows round.

11

10:07:55 TIFF VO

Pay 30 grand for the GT packed version and as

well as things like heated seats, and a six CD

changer, you get Zync Pro Rev control.

10:08:05 TIFF

All my life I’ve heel and toed on down changes to

match the engine revs, but now, by just pressing

this little button, for the first time ever on a

manual gearbox there’s an auto blip which we

just brake, go for the gear lever. Ha ha.

Go straight into 2nd gear. It revs in 1st gear.

08:28

That’s fantastic. Oh how Fangio and Hawthorn

would have loved an auto blip everytime they

braked to the end of those long straights and had

to go down through the gearbox double de-

clutching and heel and toeing to make sure they

didn’t burst the transmission or blow the engine

up. That’s brilliant.

10:08:56 TIFF

So who won the race – well Mike Hawthorn of

12

course by just 1 second after two hours and 45

minutes of racing, and to celebrate he headed to

the local hotel with a bottle of Champagne in one

hand and a pretty girl in the other, and I reckon

Nissan should pop open the odd bottle of bubbly

as well, cos from where I’m standing this 370Z

looks like a surefire winner.

FIFTH GEAR

10:09:21 TOM

Now Tim’s about to come over all caring and

sharing, which may come as a shock to some of

you.

TIM

Yeah, now we all know how difficult it is getting

round cities nowadays. You’re either hot and

sticky stuck on a tube somewhere.

TOM

Or you’re getting stung for parking charges, the

congestion charge, you know all the rest of the

13

other gubbins.

10:09:34 TIM

Yeah now one solution which has recently risen

in popularity is to join a ‘car share club’, where

you can literally hire a car for as little as an hour

as and when you need it.

TOM

Yeah, but the question is – do they actually

work?

10:09:49 TIM VO

Just having a car sitting on your driveway will

cost you an average of £2,000 a year in

insurance and depreciation.

Small wonder then that the membership of car

share clubs has nearly tripled in the last 18

months.

10:10:04 TIM

Car sharing is not the politically correct term for

what joy-riders do, its basically a ‘pay as you go’

14

car scheme, and I’m gonna test it today to see if

it’s the future.

10:10:14 TIM VO

There are five big companies operating such

schemes, who charge between £50 and £60 for

a year’s membership. You ring up or book one of

their cars online with as little as half an hours

notice and you simply pay for how long you use

it.

10:10:28 TIM

Now the clubs are most popular in London and

the cars aren’t stored in some sort of central

depot, they’re quite literally dotted across the

whole of the city in various car parking spaces.

The idea is this – you quiet simply use the car

closest to you.

10:41

Citroen C1. Oh Wicked, alright, okay that’s fine,

thank you.

10:10:47 TIM VO

15

The first of the three cars I’m gonna use today is

a Citroen C1 from Whizzgo. Parked slap bang

outside Euston Station.

Ahhh here it is.

And the brilliant thing is I don’t even need to find

the keys.

10:10:59 TIM

Now when you register they send you a smart

card, which apparently when you park over a

sensor in the front window is gonna open the

doors. Let’s give it a go.

Heh presto, we’re in.

11:11

So now you’re thinking how do you start the car.

Well you go in the glovebox. I punch in a special

pin you’ve been given, and provide you the keys

and now you can start the engine.

10:11:24 TIM VO

This basic car from Whizzgo costs £60 for a

year’s membership and £5.99 per hour. That

16

includes 40 miles worth of fuel and the £8.00

London congestion charge, which all car share

clubs should include as part of their deal.

10:11:38 TIM

Now just as an exercise in testing the value, I’m

gonna enter an endurance race with this cabbie

here. Basically we’re gonna go 6 quids worth,

cos that’s how much it costs to drive this for an

hour, see where we get.

And we’re off.

11:49

Follow that cab. I’ve always wanted to say that.

How much are we up to now mate?

£3.00s? £3.00 already, we’ve only done .4 of a

mile.

Mind you we’d have to pay the parking right and

that is not cheap in London.

He’s saying you’re getting £35,000 worth of car

plus a chauffeur for 6 quid. That’s a good point.

10:12:10 TIM VO

17

After just 1.2 miles my £6 fare was up. I still had

ages left in the car, but I headed back anyway.

10:12:19 TIM

Now at the end of the journey, you basically

wave your smart card under the sensor, it will log

how long I’ve been in the car and send me a bill

at the end of the month.

12:28

Now you might just recognise this space – that is

because it’s exactly the same one we took it from

this morning. So, unless you’re a fan of round

trips, this scheme definitely isn’t for you.

10:12:38 TIM VO

The next company, Street Car, have a way round

that, and have three cars located just around the

corner.

Street Car has an annual membership of £59.50

and they offer what’s called a ‘one way trip’. For

an extra charge you can hire the car from its

designated space and then return it to a different

location.

18

10:12:58 TIM

This car’s actually a little bit cheaper at 3.95 an

hour, mind you, you do only get 30 free miles

with this one as opposed to 40 with the last car.

13:06

Now Street Car are the biggest car club in the

UK which means that they’re much more likely to

have a car near where you live.

10:13:13 TIM VO

At the end of the hire you have to stick an hour’s

worth of parking on the car to give them enough

time to pick it up. It’s dead simple, if the car gets

clamped after the hour, it’s their problem.

10:13:23 TIM

Do you know what, I’m quite impressed with the

flexibility of the service, but not the cost. The

one way scheme actually costs an extra £24.50

plus the cost of parking the car for an hour until

they collect it. It is rapidly, yummy, approaching

the cost of hiring a car for the day.

19

Lunchtime.

No.

10:13:43 TIM VO

Finally car three. Provided by ZipCar, which

costs £50 for a year’s membership. If you want

to travel on slightly longer journeys this could be

the answer, but you’ll need to drop you car back

at the same place you start the trip.

This Honda Insight starts at £3.95 an hour but

you’ll get 60 free miles worth of fuel and ZipCar

also offers a few premium cars like the BMW 3

Series, just in case you’re worried about being

spotted driving something ... a bit humdrum.

10:14:12 TIM

If you really love cars, nothing can beat the thrill

of having your own lump of metal, but if you

travel less than 6,000 miles a year, you could

save up to £1500 – perfect if you’re only making

frequent journeys.

20

FIFTH GEAR

10:14:27 TIM

Now you may know James Martin as the telly

chef, but to us he’s just as much of a fan of cars

as we are.

TOM

He’s got an awesome set of cars in his garage,

one of which is an actual F1 car. There’s a slight

snag though, it hasn’t got an engine.

10:14:40 TIM

Hmm it doesn’t work at all, so when he rang us

and said please can you get me a go in the real

thing –

TOM

We said – yes we can.

10:14:50 JASON

Now it’s not every day you get to drive an F1 car,

21

and it absolutely blows your mind just how quick

these things are.

15:02

But the real reason I’m at Silverstone today is

I’ve got to train celebrity chef James Martin how

to drive a Formula 1 car – and I’ve only got half a

day.

10:15:12 JASON

Good to meet you.

JAMES MARTIN

Good to meet you as well.

10:15:14 JASON

Now I know its not gravy that runs through your

veins, its petrol isn’t it.

JAMES

It is. I was in the wrong queue at the job centre I

think. I went left and yeah turned out to be a

chef, but erm my passion is cars. I’m absolutely

obsessed with them.

22

10:15:28 JASON

You’ve never driven a really saucy racing car

have you?

JAMES

The ultimate has got to be Formula 1 hasn’t it

really.

10:15:37 JASON VO

This is what we’re tempting him with. A 1996

Benetton as driven by Jean Alessi.

Its V10 engine puts 750 horse power through a 7

speed semi automatic gearbox, meaning it’s

gonna rearrange his internal organs.

10:15:54 JASON

Now it’s not a foregone conclusion we’re gonna

let him out in the F1 car. First he’s got to prove

himself in the Formula Silverstone.

JASON

So, I’m now gonna l keep a bit of an eye on what

23

James is up to. Have a look at his racing lines.

10:16:10 JAMES

That’s all you want when you’re sat in a car is to

have Jason Plato on your arse, turn in.

Two thirds of the track,

Power, power, power, power.

10:16:20 JASON

Turned in a bit early there. Understeer on the

way out.

But I have heard he’s gone off and got himself a

racing license, so he’s not the novice he’s

actually pretending he is.

10:16:34 JAMES

***** missed that.

Done it again.

JASON

So the hairpin’s a bit of a problem. If he does

that in the Formula 1 he’s gonna have a bit of a

moment!

24

JAMES

Better corner.

10:16:50 JASON

Good, better.

JAMES

Driving single seaters is unbelievable.

And to think I could have been doing Loose

Women.

10:16:59 JASON VO

I’m not sure what he meant by that, but anyway,

time for some feedback.

10:17:04 JASON

If when you turn the car into the corner you can

feel a bit of understeer (yeah), that’s too fast.

But not bad. Not bad.

JAMES

That’s like saying my omelettes are sort of half

25

good.

10:17:14 JASON VO

,u

Power Power Power Power

I decided to check with Tim Preston and Phil

Osborne of Cars International, Formula 1 experts

and suppliers of the car, whether he made the

grade.

10:17:27 JASON

You’re the boss, you’re the team man around

here, you’re the bloke who owns the car.

MAN

Yeah.

JASON

I’ll ask you first.

MAN

Yeah okay you can ask me first. I mean it looks

26

good to me. I think you’ve done a great job to

get him where he is so quickly.

MAN

I think he’s a sensible guy and he’s gonna do

what he’s asked to do and I think you should be

okay.

10:17:45 JASON VO

It was time to give James the good news.

JASON

Well (Is it a yes or a no?)

Well they weren’t keen and I’ve twisted their

arms.

No mate they’re well up for it. (Are they happy?)

Yes they’re happy.

He he he Come on that’ll do won’t it

JAMES

You’re a star, get to drive my dream.

10:18:07 JASON VO

27

While the team prepped the car I decided to cook

up an extra challenge for James.

10:18:12 JASON

Earlier on in the day I did 5/6 laps in the F1 car

and I did a time of 34 seconds. I think a fair

challenge would be if you don’t bust 40 seconds

you have to cook me and my mates food and we

have a look in your wine cellar and choose one

nice bottle.

10:18:33 JAMES

... I’m thinking now why did I answer the phone

call to you lot.

Right, alternatively, (yeah), alternatively if you

lose you buy me dinner at the restaurant of my

choice.

JASON

That’s gonna be a lot of money.

10:18:47 MAN

The thing to remember James is just to be very

28

relaxed and calm in the car.

10:18:51 JASON VO

After a final safety briefing it was time for James’

big moment.

10:19:03 JAMES

My heart rate has just doubled.

10:19:13 JAMES

This is it.

JASON

First task done, to leave the pits without stalling.

Good lad.

JAMES

****** I’m driving a ....F1 car

10:19:34 JAMES

It’s fierce.

This is the senses .....

29

10:19:49 JASON

He’s probably only taken one breath in the last

minute and a half.

10:19:59 JAMES

Oh man alive.

10:20:11 JAMES

What a car. What a car.

10:20:20 JASON

That was alright wasn’t it?

JAMES

This is fantastic I tell you. I want one.

But most of all who’s buying lunch?

JASON

I am. (LAUGHTER)

Mate well done. Well done.

JAMES

What did I get?

30

10:20:32 JASON

You got you down, you kind of you were chipping

down, soon you got under 40 to be honest, just

under 40 then chip, chip, chip, and you got

yourself down to 38 zero and then I think your

last lap before you backed off just under 37.

Proper work.

10:20:46 JAMES

I’m sweating like a kipper.

I cannot believe how instant everything is. Do

you know what I mean, it’s just literally bang,

bang, bang....... the power of this thing, it’s like a

rocket.

Where do I sign for one of these anyway.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much.

10:21:02 JASON

Do you want me to bring over, do you want me to

bring the sales...

31

JAMES

No maybe not.

Thank you Fifth Gear, that’s what I should be

saying shouldn’t I. Wicked.

FIFTH GEAR

10:21:15 TOM

We’ve decided to finish up with a little bit of a

shoot out treat – call it our tribute to the 80s.

TIM

Yeah now it all hinges around Cosworth, the

engine specialists who can turn normal cars into

pin-ups.

10:21:31 JASON PLATO VO

The first of which is this – 1989 Mercedes 190E

Cosworth. It might look as an assuming as a

Bavarian Businessman, but don’t let its subtlety

fool you. This was the super saloon of its day.

Packing 195 horse power from a 2.5 litre engine.

The 190 Cossie has, on paper at least, the

32

speed to match even the newest hot hatch.

10:21:58 JASON VO

But it’s not the only one. This 1986 Sierra

Cosworth was Ford’s Iron Lady. Stout, powerful

and imposing.

While the 2 litre engine may be smaller than the

German’s, a turbo means it’s actually more

powerful, with 201 horses romping through the

rear wheels, it doesn’t recognise the meaning of

defeat – or subtlety.

10:22:21 JASON

First up, the Mercedes.

22:25

Now the whole reason this car exists is so

Mercedes could go and race in the German

Touring Car Championship in the 1980s.

Back then the cars had to based on road-going

versions – something called homologation. This

car was created. Cosworth did the engine. 60

comes up in about 7½ seconds, so it’s not a

rocket ship. It’s hard work to drive, it’s really soft,

33

it’s a bit sloppy, but it’s good fun.

10:22:52 JASON

So.... let’s set a time.

Come on you old girl.

Start the clock.

10:23:00 JASON

Now even though this is a big saloon car, you

know back in those days, they didn’t have to put

too much safety kit on cars, so it doesn’t weigh a

great deal. You know it weighs 1300 kilos which

is about the same as a, as a modern day VW

Golf.

Oh get in *****

10:23:18 JASON VO

And the Mercedes 190E Cosworth crosses the

line in 47.15 seconds. How does the whale tail

compare?

10:23:29 JASON

34

2 litre turbo charge engine, gets you to 60 in

what, 6.8 seconds.

It’s certainly more racy than the Merc, but it’s got

a thing called turbo lag, all 80s cars with turbos

had this horrendous lag. You know you put your

foot down you get nothing, then you get nothing.

And then whoosh it comes in with a bang.

I’ve got a sneaky suspicion this might just be a

bit quicker than the Merc. Let’s find out.

Start the clock

10:24:02 JASON

Now this had revolution aero-dynamics with that

great big windmill at the back. But it works, you

know the car’s really stable at high speeds. It

certainly made you look like a boy racer.

10:24:17 JASON VO

At the first check point the Sierra is just .8

seconds ahead.

10:24:21 JASON

35

Now brakes are good. Considering it’s on old-

styled tyres, it’s got pretty good grip.

JASON VO

At the second check point the Sierra has

increased its lead to 1 second exactly.

10:24:35 JASON

You can even get the tail out on corner entry. It’s

quite nicely balanced.

Soft, but quite nicely balanced.

10:24:45 JASON VO

And the Sierra Cosworth crosses the line in

46.02 seconds, so Fifth Gear’s Cool 80s Cossie

of Choice is the one with the massive wing.

10:24:56 END CREDITS

10:25:21 ENDBOARD