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FANTASTIC CAPTAIN MISTER BY: TOD KREIDER
41
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  • 1. FANTASTIC CAPTAIN MISTER
    BY: TOD KREIDER

2. HIGH ABOVE THE EARTH IN HIS SPACE COMMAND CENTER OF JUSTICE, CAPTAIN MISTER IS INTERRUPTED WHILE PLAYING DIABLO 2 ON NIGHTMARE MODE
3. *%&$# what I tell u about bothering me while Im playin my computer games?!?
*Ring Ring*
ARGH that phone ring is so AVERSIVE! I need to answer it to make the aversive sound go away!
4. Before:
Aversive phone ring
Behavior
Answer the phone
After:
No aversive phone ring
*%&$# did I tell u to start spoutin off escape contingencies?!?
*Ring Ring*
ARGH!!!
5. Who callin me?!?
Its the President! We need your help Captain Mister!
You interrupt my killin evil midget dudes on my compy and tell me u need my help? Whats goin down?
Americas under attack by a plague of Zombie Pirate Ninjas!
6. Oh snap! The zombies, the pirates AND the ninjas are on the SAME TEAM now?!?
No nono some evil mastermind has combined them all! Will you save us Cap?
Im on my way!
7. As soon as I kick out all these naked, passed out groupie babes.
8. And so Captain Mister heads to NORAD in his Ultrasonic Fighter Ship of Justice
9. Oh snap! I forgot to wear the Ultimate Spacesuit Diaper of Justice!
This is gonna get messy
10. General, Mister Captain is here to see you, sir!
Thats the third time hes made the aversive sound of my name being used wrong!
11. Before:
Will hear name said incorrectly soon
Behavior: Vaporize the mispronoun-cingdimwit
After:
Wont hear name said incorrectly soon
That avoidance contingency is brilliant, random NORAD nerd!
12. ZAP!!!
13. Thats okay, we didnt need that dweeb anyway!
What happened to your legs?
They were too much effort to draw onto my body.
Anyway, we heard the zombies were coming out of the ground in Cozumel, Mexico, so we got the satellite feed check out what we found!
14. 15. That looks like a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition photo shoot, general.
Youre darn right it is, LOL!
16. But seriously, the zombie things are coming out of the ground near Kalamazoo, Michigan. Here are the coordinates.
And be quick about it! Weve got only 12 hours before those zombie things reach D.C.!
17. Suddenly, Captain Mister breaks out into a chicken dance
18. What are you DOING?!? Youre supposed to be saving AMERICA!
I have to do the chicken dance before I begin the mission, or else the abominable alien slave-lords of the dream world will enslave me for eternity!
Cut out the superstitious behavior and get a move on!
19. Oh man, I could totally head to Cozumel and party with that SI swimsuit babe with the painted-on swimsuit
but if I do that, I cant save America in time!
20. After:
D.C. will be saved and can probably party with random babes
SD:
(Deadline)
Before 12 hours is up
Behavior:
Stop the Zombie Pirate Ninja Plague
Before:
D.C. will be destroyed and can probably party with SI swimsuit babes
After:
D.C. will be destroyed and can probably party with SI swimsuit babes
S:
After 12 hours is up
GEEZ even swimsuit models know analogs to avoidance of the loss of an opportunity to receive a reinforcer!
21. If I save the world first, I probably cant party with the practically naked babe
but I can probably party with some RANDOM babes after I save America!
Partying with random babes sounds WAY riskier!
And risky behavior produces lots of adrenaline!
22. Before:
Noincrease in reinforcing adrenaline
Behavior:
Party with random babes
After:
Increase in reinforcing adrenaline
And since Im such a BAMF and addicted to adrenaline, the random babe party will be WAY more reinforcing than the quasi-swimsuit babe party!
Yeah, a basic reinforcement contingency, general!
23. Captain Mister lands on the ground in Kalamazoo
24. *Ring Ring*
WTF?!?
Oh snap! Its my mom! THIS CALL COULD TAKE HOURS!
If I dont pick up the phone, shell keep calling!
But if I pick it up, shell do the same thing again later, knowing Ill pick it up
25. Before:
Mom calls repeatedly
Behavior:
Answer moms call
After:
Mom does not call repeatedly
Before:
Dont answer moms call
Behavior:
Mom calls repeatedly
After:
Answer moms call
Before:
Mom calls repeatedly

Before:
Answer moms call

Before:
Dont answer moms call

Before:
Mom does not call repeatedly

Whoa, even random skyscraper-residing Kala-bamans know the Sick Social Cycle!
26. Hi ma
WELL its about TIME someone answered the darned phone! I was just telling Charlene here how I thought I whooped better contingency control into you than to let your dear old ma
Ma, Im kinda busy can we talk later?
OH, I see! Too busy with your skank hoes to talk to your dear old ma! Boy I oughta
*BEEP*
*Phew* Now where are those zombies?
27. Oh snap! Theyre coming out of the ground by that evil looking castle place and OH GOD THEYVE GOT NUMBCHUCKS!
!
and theyve spotted me with their keen ninja senses!
Time to put to use my Street Fighter skills!
28. HADOUKEN!!!
29. Whoa, wassuphott police officer babes! Is there a problem?
We were just wondering how you did that sexy fireball thing with your hands!
30. Oh thats easy!
+ P
???
Anyway, now to find out whats in that hole!
31. And so, ignoring any possible innuendos, the Cap begins probing the hole
32. Hey its a big laboratory and OH GOD ITS DR. MALOTT THE EVIL BEHAVIORAL SCIENTIST OF DOOM!!!
Yeah, you landed right in my trap, just like I planned! NO ONE outsmarts Uncle Dickie!
Rats! How did I not see! Youve unleashed your behavioral zombie grad students on the earth after teaching them ninjutsu!
33. Youre smarter than you look! Yeah, I tried for years to save the world throughbehavior analysis, but after a while I came to realize its not gonnahappen
so I took my coolest grad students, taught them the fine art of piracy, then transformed them into zombies before teaching them ninjutsu!
WAY more scary than an army of rats.
34. Youll never get away with this Dr. Malott!
Whatever, man, the only thing that can stop the zombie plague is this Zombie Retrovirus Granola I cooked up and placed within easy reach of you!
35. *SNATCH*
Whoa! I didnt expect that
36. Stick THAT in your dipper Uncle Dickie!
37. And so the Cap hops in his Ultrasonic Fighter Ship of Justice and sprinkles the Zombie Retrovirus Granola into the atmosphere
38. Nobodys cleaned up this mess yet?!?
39. Wassup, President Norris!
Youve saved America, Cap!
I mean I totally could have roundhouse kicked all those zombie things myself
but Im the mutha%&*#$@ President! I let little midget superheroes do it for me!
40. Anyway, how can we ever repay you Cap?
Well
there is this photo shoot in Cozumel
41. FIN