Developing Behaviors that Will Help You Move Aheadgabrielleconsulting.com/docs/...Behaviors-CityTallahassee2013.pdf · Developing Behaviors that Will Help You Move Ahead (and Changing

Developing Behaviors that WillHelp You Move Ahead

(and Changing Behaviors thatSquash Your Success)

for City of Tallahassee

Gabrielle K. Gabrielli, Ph.D.

Introductions

• Name• What You Do

What You Hope to Learn TodayOR

Something Unique About You

Learning Objectives

By the end of this course, you will be able to:• Identify your own personal barriers to success.• Develop emotional intelligence and effectively

manage feelings to improve communication andteamwork.

• Refine your workplace habits and attitudes toimprove how you are perceived.

• Accept responsibility for your behaviors, and learnhow to make things right.

• Implement an action plan to successfully changecareer-sabotaging habits.

Ground Rules

1. Turn cell phones or anything thatmakes noise to off or silent.

2. Listen actively.3. Participate to the fullest of your ability.4. Keep an open mind.5. Be respectful to others (including being

on time to class and from break).6. If you break any rules, you sing.

Agenda1300 Ground Rules, Objectives, Introductions, Pretest, Icebreaker

1330 Research on Successful Workplace BehaviorsSabotaging BehaviorsWhat Matters Most in the Workplace

1345 Importance of Emotional IntelligenceActivity and ApplicationHow you can improve your EI

1430 Break1440 CALM Model of Conflict Resolution1500 Messages You Send Intentionally or Unintentionally1515 Exercise: Group Activity1530 Leadership: 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth1600 Conclusions and Posttest1630 Adjourn

What are your goals?

Gap Analysis

Research Shows Need for Soft Skills

Soft Skills of Most Importance

• Communicating effectively• Promoting teamwork and collaboration• Conveying professionalism• Critical thinking and solving problems

Research on Success

• Results, Enthusiasm, Attitude,Cooperation, Honor

Forbes’ Reasons People Don’tAdvance at Work

1. Beef up your negotiating skills.2. Speak up at meetings.3. Keep your message short and on point.4. Hone your leadership skills.5. Say no when you mean no.6. Control your emotions.

Gabrielle’s List ofTop Sabotaging Behaviors

• Having a negative attitude!• Letting fear get in the way

– Procrastination– Failure to be open to constructive feedback

• Conveying an ego that doesn’t match abilities• Having a poor mentality

– “We’ve always done it that way” or, “That’s not my job.”

• Being unprofessional– Treating internal or external customers poorly– Sending the wrong message– Being a constant source of conflict– Participating in gossip

Gabrielle’sTop Behaviors for Success

• Positive attitude including gratitude• Strong work ethic• Desire to improve and learn - competence• Excellent emotional intelligence• Ability to make things right when things

don’t go as planned• Leadership abilities• Compassion and focus on others

The Domino Effect of a Negative Attitude

The Domino Effect of a Positive Attitude

Benefits of a Positive Attitude

• Better communication• Increased teamwork• Improved morale• Higher productivity

Strategies For Being Positive

• Appreciate others• Take time for yourself• Help others• Avoid negative attitudes

Strategies For Being Positive

• Appreciate Others– Say “thank you!”– Say “well done!”– Say “congratulations!”

Strategies For Being Positive

• Take Time for Yourself– Meditate– Journal– Exercise– Reflect– Pray– Do something you enjoy

Strategies For Being Positive

• Help Others– Pitch in around the

office– Volunteer in the

community– Remember your

coworkers

Strategies For Being Positive

• Avoid Negative Attitudes– Avoid negative comments– Avoid drama and gossip

• Look for the good in others• Give others the benefit of

the doubt– Challenge yourself to be

nice

The Importance of Attitude

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitudeon life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It ismore important than the past, the education, the money,than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than whatother people think or say or do. It is more important thanappearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break acompany... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is wehave a choice everyday regarding the attitude we willembrace for that day. We cannot change our past... wecannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can dois play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. Iam convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you....”

Charles Swindoll

Modes of Listening

• Combative listening takes place when welisten only to look for flaws in the otherperson’s point of view.

• Passive listening takes place when we trulytry to hear the other person’s point of view.However, with passive listening, we do notyet provide feedback to verify whether wehave understood.

• Active listening takes place when weprovide feedback to verify whether or not wehave understood the sender.

Listening Actively

• Listen with your ears, your eyes, and your heart toconcentrate on what the person is saying and toempathize.

• Pay attention to speaker’s facial expressions andother nonverbal cues for insight into the message.

• Listen without interruption. Note key phrases anddocument the information that the interviewee says.

• Provide feedback checks to the speaker. Restate,paraphrase, or ask questions of the interviewee toconfirm that you received the message as intended.

Activity

• Get with a partner.• Pick who will be the speaker first and who

will be the listener first.• Discuss whatever is on your mind for 3

minutes.• Switch roles.

Examining Body Languageand Behavioral Cues

• Observe what message your body languageconveys:– facial expressions or gestures– shifts in eye contact– crossed arms or legs– placement of feet– excessive sweating

• Be aware of nonverbal messages you send.

“A goal is a dream with adeadline.”

– Napolean Hill

Set SMARTER Goals

• Specific

• Measurable

• Actionable

• Realistic

• Timely

• Enriching

• Rewarding

Emotional Intelligence

• 55% of Americans are not familiar with EI.• 48% are not familiar with the negative effect

that stress has on EI.• EI has been scientifically proven to be a

greater predictor of success in the workplacethan IQ.

What does it mean?

Definition of EI

Emotional intelligence is the capacity forrecognizing our own feelings and those ofothers, for motivating ourselves and others,and for managing our own emotions as wellas influencing others.

Study That Initiated EI

• 1960s: 4-year-olds and marshmallows.• Researcher told kids not to touch the

marshmallows then left the room.• Concluded that those who delayed gratification

had higher EIs.• Study followed kids to high school.• Surveyed teachers, parents, and others.• When kids took SATs, those who held out had

210 point average higher score.

• “It is not the strongest of the species thatsurvives, or the most intelligent, but the

one most responsive to change.” -Charles Darwin

Research on EI

• 2007 study showed correlation between EI anduse of tobacco and marijuana.

• Those who started smoking at a young age andwho regularly smoked had lower scores inemotional self-regulation.

• Conclusion: people who have strong EI and whoclearly comprehend their emotions consume lesstobacco and marijuana than those with low EI.

Research on EI

•According to a poll (Nov. 2007), stresshas a detrimental impact on our EI andthis can spell professional problems forworking Americans.

•A strong EI can help build positiverelationships and improve performance-ideal for workplace success.

Commercialization of EI

• Goleman is known for generating interest fromthe business world in EI.

• In 1995 his best selling book expanded Saloveyand Mayer’s definition of EI to include the abilityto motivate oneself.

• Time Magazine- 1995 article “The EQ Factor:New brain research suggests that emotions, notIQ, may be the true measure of humanintelligence”

EI Misconceptions

• EI is NOT:• Being nice all the time• “Getting emotional”, “being soft”, or touchy-

feely• Denying or stuffing your emotions, “sucking it

up”• The solution to all problems

Emotional Intelligence

EI is :• Being honest• Being aware of your feelings and other

people’s feelings• Being smart with your emotions• The ability to understand and use the

power of our emotions wisely• Maintaining poise under pressure*

Summary of EI Research

• People with high EI are happier, healthier,and more successful in their relationships.

• People with EI have:– Balance between logic and emotions– Awareness of their own feelings– Healthy self-confidence– Empathy and compassion for others

Summary of EI Research

• Everyone has different levels of EI.• The way we express and use our emotions

can be controlled.• Feelings affect our physical health.• Emotions are contagious.• Unlike IQ, EI can be significantly raised.

EI Self-Assessment

Scoring the Assessment

Instructions:

1. Add numbers in each row and place the resultsin the boxes at the right.

2. Compare your results to see how well youscored!

EI Value and Benefits

• EI is more than 85% of what enables peopleto develop into great leaders.

• EI skills allow people to think clearly underpressure

• For performance, EI is 2x as important astechnical and cognitive skills combined.

• People with high EI don’t let emotions get inthe way of solving problems and positivelyimpact everyone they contact.

EI Value and Benefits

• Developing EI skills minimizes time wastedon turf wars or arguing.

• People with high EI are able to calm theirminds quickly, opening the way for insightand creative ideas.

• People with high EI choose productivebehaviors.

• Improved personal productivity and improvedstaff performance means people leave workat a reasonable time.

5 Competencies of EI

1. Self-awareness2. Self-regulation3. Motivation4. Empathy5. Effective relationships

1. Self-Awareness

People with high self-awareness:

• Interact easily with others• Don’t stress over making decisions• Accurately assesses themselves,

others, and situations• Are open• Are quietly self-confident

Self-Awareness Activity

Increase Self-Awareness

• Spend 15 minutes daily on self-reflection.• Know where in the body stress is held.• Keep a journal of emotions and triggers.• Ask for feedback.• Find opportunities to improve self-

confidence.• Pause before reacting to a tense situation.

2. Self-Regulation

People with high self-regulation:• Foster a climate of trust & fairness• Surround themselves with talented

people• Focus on issues and not on politics• Are role models and mentors for others• Adapt quickly• Build lasting relationships

Avoiding Emotional Highjacking

• Take charge of your thoughts• Identify and manage emotional shifts• Take control of behavioral patterns

Increase Self-Regulation

• Buy time• Avoid generalizations, assumptions• Develop constructive inner dialogues• Derail counterproductive behavior• Use humor• Find balance

3. Motivation

People with high levels of self-motivation:• Initiate improvements in their jobs• Succeed at difficult assignments• Are less likely to quit their job• Motivate others personally and

professionally• Attract others with the same values

Motivation Activity

Sources of Motivation

• Yourself• Support System• Environment• Mentor

Increase Motivation

• Using motivational self-statements(affirmations)

• Using positive mental imagery(visualizations)

• Give yourself opportunities for success• Find an emotional mentor

4. Empathy

People with high levels of empathy:

• Keep people in the loop• Promote collaboration and teamwork• Develop others to their full potential• Achieve high performance

Empathy Activity

Increase Empathy

• Assume people have the best ofintentions.

• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.• Remember that you always learn more

from listening than from speaking.• Identify with the other person by reflecting

on an experience you’ve had thatproduced a similar emotion in you.

Empathetic Listening Habits

• Listen for ideas and emotions• Listen for what is not being said• Control your emotional reactions• Avoid prejudgments and distractions• Use open-ended questions for active listening

Empathetic Driving!

5. Effective Relationships

People with effective relationships:• Have a wide circle of colleagues and

friends, and multiple circles• Find common ground among differing

views, often mediating others• Effectively lead teams• Are successful in managing change

Improve Relationships

• Expand your circles of social networks• Get to know people who are seemingly

different than you• Think outside your comfort zone• Ask for feedback from people you have

had disagreements with

Promoting EI in Others

1. Keep your emotional perspective2. Help others maintain emotional

balance3. Be a supportive listener4. Set expectations

Keep Your Emotional Perspective

• Anticipate the other person’s emotionalstate

• Pay attention to cues in the other person’sbehavior

• Use instructive statements• Use relaxation techniques

Help Others MaintainEmotional Balance

• Use slow-down techniques• Redirect the conversation• Listen

One View of Conflict

Conflict is inevitable, butcombat is optional.

~Max Lucado, theologian

Common Conflict Responses

Avoidance Maybe the problem will just go away.

Poor me Complain to anyone within earshot, exceptthe person you have the problem with.

Anger Emotional outbursts that make everyoneuncomfortable and solve nothing.

RevengeFind ways to disturb the person who hasdisturbed you by “getting even” or evensabotaging their performance or reputation.

The CALM Model

C Clarify the issue

A Address the problem

L Listen to the other side

M Manage your way to resolution

C: Clarify the Issue

Conflict Clarification Questions - Primary Questions

1. What am I upset about? In specific behavioral terms,what actually happened? Who else is involved? What didthey do?

2. What emotions am I feeling: anger, hurt, frustration? Whyam I feeling that way?

3. Have I contributed to the problem?4. Am I just overreacting? If so, why?5. In terms of actions and relationships, what are my desires

for an outcome to this conflict? What will successfulresolution look like?

6. If I was the other person involved in this situation, howwould I want to be approached and dealt with?

C: Clarify the Issue

Conflict Clarification Questions - Secondary Questions

7. Where was the other person coming from? Could they infact have been motivated by good intentions?

8. Has this happened before, or is this a first timeoccurrence?

9. How is this situation affecting you and your work? Areothers impacted? If so, how?

10. When dealing with this issue, what can you do toincrease your chances of getting the results you want?What counter-productive behaviors do you want toavoid?

A: Address the Problem

• The Opening• The Issue Description

– Exactly what happened– How it made you feel– The negative impacts the situation

caused

A: Address the Problem

Other things to remember:1. Have a walk-in strategy; you may want to

practice what you plan to say.2. Don’t repeat what co-workers have said;

this is between the two of you.3. Keep the end in mind; the goal is not to

win an argument. The goal is to reach arespectful, collaborative result.

L: Listen to the Other Side

• Give the other person your TOTALATTENTION.

• NEVER interrupt.• Ask questions for clarification.• Paraphrase what you’ve heard.• SHOW that you’re listening.• Use positive body language.

Be An Empathetic Listener

• Acknowledge your acceptance of what thespeaker is saying.

• Help the speaker clarify thoughts, feelingsand ideas.

• Don’t interrupt; look for nonverbal signals;maintain a listening posture

• Rephrase the content and reflect on thefeelings.

M: Manage Your Way to Resolution

• Gain agreement that a problem exists.• Identify each other’s concerns and needs.• Explore win-win solutions.• Agree on a course of action.• Determine how to handle missteps, should

they happen.• Close on a positive note.

No Time to Plan!

• Stop, breathe, and think.• Acknowledge the conflict.• Buy some time (and then do CALM).• Take it somewhere else.• Keep it respectful.

The CALM Model

• Clarify the issue• Address the problem• Listen to the other person• Manage your way to a resolution

SASHET

EI Tips

4-7-8 Breathing

1. Exhale completely through your mouth,making a woosh sound

2. Close your mouth and inhale quietlythrough your nose- count 4

3. Hold your breath- count 74. Exhale through your mouth, make a woosh

sound- count 85. Inhale and repeat for a cycle of 4

Dr. Andrew Weil

Leadership-15 Laws Message

To discover your own purpose andpotential, you need to grow in thefollowing areas:1. Self-awareness2. Character3. Skills4. Relationships5. Spiritually

Overview of 15 Laws

1. The Law of Intentionality - Growth Doesn’t JustHappen

2. The Law of Awareness - You Must KnowYourself to Grow Yourself

3. The Law of the Mirror - You Must See Value inYourself to Add Value to Yourself

4. The Law of Reflection - Learning to PauseAllows Growth to Catch Up with You

5. The Law of Consistency - Motivation Gets YouGoing; Discipline Keeps You Growing

Overview of 15 Laws

6. The Law of Environment - Growth Thrives InConducive Environments

7. The Law of Design - To Maximize Growth, DevelopStrategies

8. The Law of Pain - Good Management of BadExperiences Leads to Great Growth

9. The Law of the Ladder - Character GrowthDetermines the Height of Your Personal Growth

10.The Law of the Rubber Band - Growth StopsWhen You Lose the Tension Between Where You Areand Where You Could Be

Overview of 15 Laws

11.The Law of Tradeoffs - You Have to Give Up toGrow Up

12.The Law of Curiosity - Growth Is Stimulated byAsking Why

13.The Law of Modeling - It’s Hard to ImproveWhen You Have No One Else but Yourself to Follow

14.The Law of Expansion - Growth AlwaysIncreases Your Capacity

15.The Law of Contribution - Growing YourselfEnables You to Grow Others

The Law of Modeling

• It’s Hard to Improve When You Have No OneElse but Yourself to Follow

The Law of the Mirror

• You Must See Value in Yourself to AddValue to Yourself

The Law of Contribution

• Growing Yourself Enables You to GrowOthers

The Law of the Rubber Band

• Growth Stops When You Lose the TensionBetween Where You Are and Where YouCould Be

The Law of Curiosity

• Growth Is Stimulated by Asking Why

The Law of Tradeoffs

• You Have to Give Up to Grow Up

Actionable Items

• Spend one minute writing to answer thequestion on your handout, “What can I dotoday to apply the laws to strategicallyposition myself for success?”

Mark Twain’s 9 Tips for Living an Awesome Life

Success

Coming together is a beginning, keepingtogether is progress, and workingtogether is success.

-Henry Ford

Seven Steps to Success

1. Make a commitment to grow daily.2. Value the process more than events.3. Don't wait for inspiration.4. Be willing to sacrifice pleasure for

opportunity.5. Dream big.6. Plan your priorities.7. Give up to go up.

John C. Maxwell

Conclusions

• Be aware of any behaviors you use to self-sabotage, and work to improve them.

• Work to develop your skills every day.• Consider an action plan for your skills.

– What are your strengths?– What areas do you need to work to improve?