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ThankyouMr.Freleng.ThankyouMr.Foster.Addlthankies,Tex&BobWhenIthinkof

therecentconsummationalaVinylandSmearedIweepalittle,

Ido.

x

Forthepirates.

AntiCopyrightMackinawSpoon2009.

NEREPress,[email protected]

Thisstorysstolen,butitisnotfake.IamthinkingBthere,insunIcansee

clamvendors.

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Winterhadcome.AsIknewitwould.Therewasnogoingaroundit,andIhaddelayedheadingsouth.Myflockwentonwithoutme,astheywereapttoheadalong

andlookformelater.Iwasalittleyounger,hadbeenrecruitedwhenIwasbutachild;buttheyknewme,andmyprocrastinationboredthem.Atbest,Iwasmerely

boring.SometimesIthoughttheywouldhavebeenhappytoberidofme.Iwasabit

strangetomost,frustratingtosome,utterlyandeffortlesslyannoyingtoothers.I

hadthiswaywithroutines,stories,wisecracksmybrothershadtroubleengaging

theoppositesexwithmearound,foundthebottomsoftheirpocketsifweplayed

cards,andriskedseverepenaltieswerewedetainedduringleave,formydrinking

wasquicklybecominglegendary.Fallendedsometimeago,andmybrothershad

alreadyheadedsouth.Istayedintownforawhile,asanagencyhadsecuredafew,

minorgigsformenewsreels,notthegeneralpropaganda,andsomevoiceovers

afterthat.ThatswhereImetB,whowasabouttosetoffforPismoBeach.Wehad

arrangedtohaveadrinkbeforeleavingforwinter. Hecamein,takingagoodlook,andsmiledwhenhespoketome:Theresno

catchingupwithyou,hejoked,andrequestedadrink.Ihadbeendrinkingforawhile,prospectsforquicklyreachingthewarmthofthesouthnowdimming,figured

Imightaswellgooutdrunk.Youcouldalwaystry,Isuggested.

Ivegotalongjourneyaheadofme,Badmitted.IftheboysinWashington

werentpayingcash,Idbeeatingclamsbynow.Hesmiledatthebartenderandflippedhimasilvercoin. Somediggingaheadofyou?

Youcanalwayscomewithme,hesaid.

Thatsnowayforahumanbeingtotravel,Ilied,secretlywantinganything

buttosetoffalone,nearlyanythingmorethanhitchingafollowwiththefew,last

stragglersstillstragglingabout.Ididntlikeflyingverymuchatall,butItotally

loathedmovingaboutundergroundButthenwemadesmalltalk,andlaugheda

greatdealofthepastseasonspentatthetopsofourforms.

Eventually,thebarclosed.Willyoucontinuetoserve?Baskedme.Bebacknextyear?

Idunno,Ireplied,budgetcuts,youheard?SignedNSC162/2,hedid. Well,Bsaid,wedidnthaveanytroubleturninganickelwhendutywasdone.

No,Iadmitted,guesswedidnt.

Thenhesaidsomethingaboutpeanuts,thesegigs,andinsinuatedunfaltering

patriotismashespokeofactualworkrealservice.Illhavesomethingforyouif

UncleSamgroundsyourflock,andheemptiedhisglass.SeeyouSpring?

Icouldntimaginewhynot.

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BandIsaidgoodbye.Thebartender,itturnedout,knewB,andhadbeenwatchingmebefore(Heeasedupsometimeago,afterhecouldseeBandIwerefriends,

comrades.)Theysaidgoodbyeandthebartenderpassedhimawoodencasefullofspiritsandcarrots.Heofferedasimilarcontainertome,butIknewIwouldbe

unabletoliftmuchmorethanmybodyandthankedhimanyway,steppingtoward

theexit.Inthecorner,wheresatthejukebox,Bactivatedalevercamouflagedinto

thewall,whichspunthejukearound,revealingoldplanksofstairs,anddisappeared

below.Isteppedout,andliftedintothechillingwind.

Mostofmybrothershadgonesouthweeksago.WhileIcontinuedmyservice,I

watched,countingtheflockeachdayasanotherleft.Thismorning,therewerea

scantsixofus,andIwashearingrumorsthatwewerethelast.

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Whatablizzard!wasthelastthingIheard.Oursparsesquadronhadspreadthin,andwhenthesnowhitus,ithitallofus,spreadingusevenfurther,outintowind,off

intodizzyinguncertaintyImayhaveheardsomeonesay,Whatsthatupinfrontthere?

Icollidedintosomethinghiddeninthewhitesky,andfelltowardwhite

earth.FranticlyIscrambledwithmyhands,butIwascaughtonsomethingvery

steep,andwasslidingquicklyaway.Myfeetsnagged,snowjumpedfromthem,

revealingwhatlookedlikeahugegutter,andthenIflewover,andmyfeetwere

aboveme.Thegroundopenedbelow,butintheinstant,Icaughttheledgeofan

enormouswindow.Snowexploded,andfellfromme.Imademywayup,andsaton

theledge.

Thegroundwasstillfarbelow.Theledgewasvast,somehowlargerthan

ledgesIwasusedto.Theblizzardwaseverywhere.Icouldseeneitherthesky,nor

mybrothers,soIturnedtoinspectthewindowitself,forthecoldwasterrible,andIneededsomeplacesafetogetmywitsaboutme.Iapproachedtheglass,whichwas

stainedyellowandredandgold,andwipedoneofthelargediamondshapedpiecessothatImightgetaclearviewoftheroominside.IwasyetawarethatIhad

somehowshrunk,asifIhadbecomeasmallchild,oratleast,hadsomehowbeen

renderedachildsdimensions,fortheroomopenedfreakishlylarge,anditgreatly

excitedme,andIreleasedtheideaofmysizedespitethetremendousstretchofthewindowsframebeforeme.Butdangerwasthereintheroom.Despitetheinvitingfireplace,thelush,leatherfurniture,thedark,butbeautifulbarframedintoplace

aboutthewallsweretrophiesofallkinds,mindbogglinglylargeracks,tusks,the

headsoflions,bears,evenawildrat,displayedamidphotos,certificates,medals

thenIsawhim,abrother,standingatattentionontopofthemantle.

Well,theresoneofourboysthatsgotthisflyingsouthbusinesslicked!IknewI

hadnotyetreachedthesouth,butIwasalreadyexhausted,havingenduredthe

blizzard,andnowinneedofrestforthecollisionandslidefromtheroofBut

again,Inotedsomesubtledifference,formybrothertherelookedsmall,not

younger,butsomehowminiature.

SensingthatIshouldcarryonwithgreatcaution,butsuddenlymorecuriousthanever,Idugawaysnowandgrimeuntilfixingmyhandsbeneaththewindowformanyterrificlifts,whichfinallyyieldedanopeningjustwideenoughformetoslip

though.Irolledofftheledgeandlandedintheplushseatofalargechair.Thenit

wasundeniable:Itoowassmall.

Theroomwaswarm,verywarm,andopenedaboutinanexaggerated

manner.Iquicklymademywaytothemantle,whichpresidedoverablazingfire.Iscaledanold,purplechairandstretchedtomakethedistancetothemantleshelf.

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Say,Ibegan,turningonmycharm,somejointyougothere,bub,alittlelonely,IreckonyoushouldhaveacompanionforthelongwintereveningsaheadIlookedat

him,pausingbriefly,Now,IllhavetobeonmywaycomeSpring,butwhatdoyousay,

brother?Putherthere?Ioffered,extendingmyhand.Buthedidntmoveatall.I

pausedagain,withmyhandout,readytoshake,watchinghiseyes.Therewassomethingabouthiseyes,andIwonderedifIwasnotgatheringthemeaningofhis

silence.Half-brother?Ijoked,extendingmyhandfurther,evenbeginningabowbut

lookingupslightlytogatheranychangeinhisexpression,anysparkinhiseyes

Buttherewasnothing.Cousin?Isaid,loudlybeforeIknewit,andaccidentallyjabbedhiminhisbellywhereIwouldhavepreferredtoshakehands.Err,total

stranger?Listen,itsverycoldout,downrighttreacherouseven,andButnothing,

andnothing.Hewasperfectlystill.Oh,Igetit,asnobeh?Istarted,andbegantojab

himagain,overandover,Dontgivemeanyofthatuppity-puppitystuff,yourea

living,breathinghumanlikeme,yougotsomenerve,butasIpokedhimagainandagain,hebegantoslipback,andIhesitatedtoseeifhewouldfalloverbuthecame

backatmeandlandedablowtomyheadbeforeIhadseenhimcock.Hey,whodoyouthinkyouare?andIgavehimagreatpushtohischest.Mybrotherthenfellover

entirelybutsprungupwithgreatspeedasifsnappingbackintoposition,andnot

beforedeliveringuponmeanotherblowdidhestill.Whatstheidea?Iyawped,

holdingmyhead.Itscometothisthen,Isaid,takingastance,liftingmyfists.Itrarely

cametothis,inmyexperience.Idseenmorebarfightsthantruecombat.ButIhad

trainedforthissortofsituation,andperhapsmybrotherherehadnotsocompletely

dedicatedhislifetothenoblecause.Illknockthestuffingoutofyou,IwarnedasI

boxed,creepingcloser.Imovedslowly,andhescarcelymovedatall,almostasifhe

wasrightbackwherehewantedtobe;andIseizedtheopportunityandlanded

severalblowsbeforehefellforward,andIcouldgetontopofhim.Inmyfury,Idid

seestuffingliftingabout,likethesnowoutside.Andbeneathoneofmyfeetwasadestroyedspringsnarlingfromoneofhisboots.SoIlookedagain,andgotveryclose

tomybrothertopeerintohiswoundsandhewasfullofstuffing.AndthenIrealized

thiswasthehomeofahunter.

Nosoonerhadthisdirethoughtoccurredtomeforwhichwasworse,theblizzard

outside,possiblystretchingentirelysouth,orthekillerinthisenormoushouse,

whosestuffedcarcassesattestedtothesocalledhonorsopronouncedinpaperandribbons,badges,hatsanduniformsIhadanother,andquicklystuffedmybrothers

bodybackup,pickingupscrapsofmetalandwire,andmademyway,carryinghis

corpse,fromthemantletotheroombelow.Yetanotherthoughtstoppedme,I

rememberedsomethingofsellingsubscriptionsinThermopolis.Whenwasthat

happening?Haditbeenadream?Myservicehadended,Idmadesomeextra

money,andIwasfinallyheadingsouth.Ishookitaway,thelastthought,andclung

totheonebeforeit;thenIquietlyfoundthefrontdoor,andthrewmybrothers

bodyoutside.Isawitlandinthesnow.Iknewitwouldsoonbecovered.ThisiswhereIgetsomeroomandboard.

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Ithoughtofthebar.Iwondered,therefrigerator,andbegantocreepabout.

Aroundacorner,fromoneofthedarkroomsahead,Iheardtheloudvoiceofthe

hunter.Iheldmybreath,andsilentlymadeforthethreshold.Peekingin,thehunter

wassurroundedbymountainsofpaperwork,andwasinthemidstofoperatinga

largedevice.Evenwithhisbackturned,hislargeshoulderseclipsingtherollsoffatsaggingfromhisskull,hewasmenacing.Belowhim,however,Isawhisbeast,andit

stoppedmyheart.Thiscreaturewassleeping,atthemomentItlookedlikea

nightmarishcrossbetweendogandbaboon.Itwascoveredwiththick,luminously

goldhair,butwasugly,andwildlooking,withbrownteethjaggedlyarrangedrounditslips,andthickropesofyellowmucusspillingdownfromitssnout,mixingwith

thepoolofdrooldepositedbeneathitsfilthyjowls.

Andthemomentwasover,forthebeasthadmoved.Iquicklyflattened

myselfagainstthewalloutside,certainmyheartwasripplingtheveryshadowsthat

keptmeconcealed.Butthebeastshambledout,thiswayandthat,apparentlydrowsy,andmadeitswaydownthehalltowardthefireplace.Iwasntsurewhatto

do.Wasthehunterrisingfromhisdesk?WouldthebeasthearmeracingbacktothemantleButIhadaplan,andaplancalledfordedication.

AsIfollowedthebeast,Icouldhearthehuntersvoicefading,andfelt

somewhatbetter,untilthebeastpausedonthelargerugbeforethefire.Itbarely

openeditseyesasitsniffedtheair.MyheartwasspeedingagainasIracedintothe

room,leapttothepurplechairandtookmyplaceonthemantlewheremybrother

hadstoodbeforeme.

Mymomentummusthavecaughtthebeastssenses,foritthenlookedupat

me,andfrownedbeneathhorribleeyesbeforedroppingtothehearth,lyingdown

veryclosetothefire.Ibegantobreathalittlemorecalmly,butstoodatattention

untilIwascertainthebeastwassleepingagain.AsIenduredthislengthywait,the

clockbesidemetickedandtickedloudly.Sohypnoticallydiditentranceme,thatItoomusthavefallenasleep,forIwassoonstartledbyacrash,andinstinctively

lookeddowntoashatteredvaseuponthehearthnexttothebeast.Itleapttoitsfeet,

andbeganhowling,butquicklynotedthebrokenvase,andslowlybroughtitsattentionbacktome.

Ifroze.Thewarmbreathofthebeastsettledinpoolswelledupinmypores.Itwaswaiting.Iknewit.Itwantedtoseememovetheslightest,thewayIhad

waitedonmybrotherbefore.Andthen,afly,atinyflybuzzedoverandbegan

spinningaroundmyhead.Briefly,butdistinctly,IwonderedifIhadntseenthefly,ifitsbuzzandvelocityweresomehowaheadofitsbody,ifitweresomehowonlarge

scalewiththehunterandhisbeast;butitwasnt,foritlandedonmynosebeforeI

couldlosemycool,andIwassnappedbacktothesituationathand. Theflywaspersistent,however,andIquicklynotedthathemightbean

agent.Hewalkedupmynose,andlookedmerightintheeyeandIslammedshut

mylids,catchinghim.Hestruggled,andslippedfree,butImusthaveclippedawing

orsomethingbecausehefelltotheground,andcalledtothebeast.

Thebeastlowereditshead,placinganearclosetothefloor,andlistenedto

thefly.Thenitroseup,ashighasitshindlegswouldallow,andbeganhowling

again,thistime,arrestingly.Fromthisview,Icouldseethecreaturewasmuchtoo

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largetojump.Itmusthavehadagoodlife.Butitlookedlikeadeadlyfoeatclose

range.Itsclaws,teeth,itsevileyesasithowled,Iswat,refusingtomoveAnd

thenIheardthehuntercomingdownthehall.

Hequicklysizedupthesituation:Stopit,stopit,heyelled,Whatswrongwith

you,youburnoutabearingorsomething?Thenhesawthatthebeasthadbecomeobsessedwithme.Losinghistemper,heraisedhisvoiceevenmore,suchthatI

thoughtwasnotpossible,Itsatrophy,itsstuffed,dead,doIgottaproveittoyou?

Andheseizedmyleg,andIstiffenedcompletely.Thehunterrambledonabout

stuffing,knockingmeagainstthebeastasifIwerearolledupnewspaper,butitworkedandthebeastcowered,andthehuntersetmebackonthemantleshelf.

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Thenextmorning,thehunterleftafterbreakfast.Thisheateinfrontofthefireplace,readinganewspaper.Iwaited,theticksoftheclockkeptmybreathfor

me.Whenallwasutterlysilent,Icreptdownfromthemantle,andbegantolookforthekitchenagain.

WhenIfoundit,thefridgelookedlikeacartoon.Itwashuge,likea

monumenttodomesticity.Ireachedup,onmytoes,andwasabletomovethelatch.

Thedoorpoppedopen,andIswungittherestofthewayfromthebottom.The

shelvesroseinfrontofmesucculenceaftersucculenceawaitedme.Butonedish

piquedmyinterest,onelargeplateandIbalanceditonmyheadandclimbed

downandoutoftherefrigerator.

Icouldntresist,andtherewasnodraggingthisheavyplateanywhere,soI

quicklysatdownandbegantodevourthedishrightthereonthekitchenfloor.Ihad

beenreducedtosavagery.Butforthemoment,thatwasokay.Itbeatflyingsouthin

thecurrentblizzard,whichthehunterwassomewhereenduring.Ihadntthoughtofthebeast,butnosoonerdidIhaveathoughtofitandturntopeekbehindmedidI

seeitpassingthroughthethresholdofthekitchen.Itlookedangry,andtrailed

saliva.Ihadtoactquickly. Therefrigeratordoorhadnotlatchedshut,soIheavedthedooropen,leapt

inside,pulledalegbonefromalargemetalpotsittingatthebottomofthefridge,

andmadeittothefloor.Thebeastpaused,consideringthebone.Itlowereditselftothefloor,andwaggeditsenormoustail.Liftingtheboneintomyarmslikeaheavy

oar,Inavigatedmywayoutofthekitchen,backdownthehall,upandintothevery

windowIhadusedtogainentrylastnightThebeastwasaboutmerapidly,butI

managedtogetthewindowupandabovemyhead,andIheavedtheboneoutjust

asthebeastlaunchedupfromanottoman,andclaweditswayintothewindowsill.

Oncethere,thebeastrealizedthejig,butafirmkickofmybootsentitoutand

seeminglyovertheledge.

AsIpulledthewindowdown,thebeastsclawsmadetheledge,anditbegan

heavingitsbodyupandawayfromthefall.Whenitwassafe,ithowledloudly,and

steamedtheglass.Ielectedtojump,andfinallyreachedthebeadedpulloftheblind.

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Laterthatday,uponhisreturn,thehunterheardthehowlsofhisbeast,andbecamequitebaffleduponretrievinghispetfromthewindowsledge.Whatsthematter

withyou?heasked.Bewitched?Thebeastimmediatelymadeforme,leapingandsnarling.Thehunterwouldnthaveit,mumblingsomethingofpaperwork,and

disappearedfromtheroom.Thebeastthenwatchedmeforhours,before

succumbingtoitsdrowsywaysontherugbeforethefire.

Iwatchedtheuglythingsleepforawhile.Ihadagoodthinggoinghere,ifIcould

justnixthebeastsinterestinme.Thevase,Ithought,thefly.Thathadbeenit.The

hunterwasntgoingtomakeme,soIhadtofigureouthowtoconvincethebeastI

wasstuffed,dead.Buthowtodothat?

Iquietlymademywaydownthemantle.Thebeastsnored.Downthehall,Icould

hearthehunterramblingonandonabouthispaperwork.Imadeforthedoor,andcarefullypulleditopen.Outside,Icouldseethemoundwheremybrotherhad

landed.Iliftedhimfromthesnow,andbrushedhimclean.

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Aroundthecornerfromthesleepingbeast,Iarrangedatrap.WithmaterialIhadquietlygathered,Ifixedmybrotherintoatrackofwiresandpulleys.Werehe

snappedup,say,bythebeast,hewouldslipfreeoftheline.Ifthebeastslowlypursued,mybrotherwouldrollforwardtoastandingposition.Ithoughtitbrilliant.

Igavemybrotherapushandcalledoutloudly,suchthatthebeastwould

awakenandrise.Anditdid,andnotedmystiffbrotheranglingquicklyoutofview

Thebeastspedforhim,andactually,despiteitsgirth,pouncedonhim,rippingflesh,

wire,stuffing.Theincidentechoedthroughthehouse,andthehunterwassoonon

thescene.

Stopit!Stopit,youidiot!hescreamed,andpulledtheheavybeastintotheair.

Areyoucrazy?Hesdead.Dead.Andnowyouveruinedhim!Mybrotherscorpse

rainedandpuddled.

Thehunterthenstruckhisbeastonthesnout,andthebeastagaincowered

fromitsmaster.NowIhavetostuffthathumanalloveragain,andhereacheddown,tookholdofthebeastshair,anddraggeditoutoftheroom.

Relieved,Ibegantotiptoebacktomybrother,wholaydestroyedandnearly

unrecognizableonthefloor;butinmymovement,thehunter,whowasstillscreamingathisbeast,angrilymadehiswaybackintotheroomand,without

looking,reachedandgrabbedmeratherthanmybrother.

Onhisworktable,helookedmeovercuriously.Youlookedmuchworseonthefloor,

hesaid,sittingdownneedleandwire.Instead,hepushedmyjawsapart,andbegan

shovingstuffingintomymouth.

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Ifeltbloatedbackonthemantle.Whenthehunterwassatisfied,andweleftforthefireplace,Inotedthatmybrotherhadbeencleanedupfromthefloor,andIsawthe

beast,smilingonthehearth,quiteasleep.Thehuntersatmedown,anddisappeared.Icouldbarelybreathe.Ihadmanagedtoeatmostofthematerialhefingeredinto

mymouth,butatimeorthreeentirebatcheshadbeenshovedpastmytongue,and

ImnotsurehowIenduredsuchathing,buteverythingseemstohavebeenrather

convincing.Thebeasthaddevouredmybrother.Thehunterhadrepairedme,and

wasconvinced,perhaps,thathispetwouldnottakeafterhistrophyagain.

SoIstoodatattention,andfiguredtheplanwastowaitfornightfall.

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Shortlybeforenightfall,however,Inoticedmovementoutsidethewindow.Theblizzardhadletup,butthewindchilledandsnowwasstilleverywhere.Outonthe

ledge,therewasmovement,asifmanyothershadsatdownfromthesky.Andthen,astheycreptclosetotheglassandpeeredin,Isawmybrothers,myscantflockhad

comeforme.

Wecommunicatedincode,buttheydidntunderstandme,andinstead

openedthewindowandquietlyslippedinsidepastthebeast.Theymadeforaroom

oppositethehalldownwhichthehunterrambled.Iwonderedwhatschemesthey

mightpatchup.Iwasafraidtoleavethemantle,asitwasnotyetdark,butIdid,I

summonedcourage,creptpastthebeastandmadefortheroom,closingthedoor

behindme.

Turnsouttheybroughtdameswiththem,flasks,hadalreadypulledchips

andcardsoutonatable,andonefellowwhoobviouslyplayedpianowasjust

warminguphisfingerswhenIsaid,Wait,andgottheirattention.Theyhadapparentlyhadmythought,outontheledgeHadtheyfailedtonotethetrophies,

mystanceonthemantle,thebeast?

Mybrothers,thesestragglers,talkedatmethroughit,beginningtocelebrate.Whynotwaitouttheblizzardhere?someonesaid.Whowantstoflysouthtonight?

No,Iinsisted,youdontunderstand.Thisisthelairoftheenemy

andthenthedoorslammedopen,andtherethehunterstoodwithhisbeastandhisshotgun.Heragedandfiredintotheroom,andweflutteredabout.We

destroyedtheroom,andinthecraziness,Igotawayandmadeforthewindow,

heaveditupinarushofadrenaline,andsignaledretreat.Theflockrushedtoward

me,stirringupframes,books,trinkets,lamps,knockingovertrophies,andthe

huntersgunboomed,andthebeastshowlswerelouderthanever

Andtheflockflewrightpastme,outthewindow,upintothesky,veering

southoftheorangesunset.Ithoughtinstantlyofthemantle,andconsideredmy

planMustIheadsouth?

Thenthehunterwasroundthecorner,andwesaweachother.

Buckshot,fire,piecesofwood,stoneandglassbehindme,Istruggledtocatchuptomybrothers,andthoughtsuddenlyofB,andwonderedifhedmadeitto

PismoBeach.

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x

AlsobyMr.Spoon

TheCorpseofMickeyMouse

Homage

Bckpg

GirlieNight3:TheScript

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19/19